Topsy-Turvy 1999 - Movie Quotes

Helen Lenoir The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.

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Gilbert There's something inherently disappointing about success.

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Gilbert Madam, I had rather spend an afternoon in a Turkish bath with my mother than visit the dratted dentist.

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Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) I do apologize, sir, that neither I nor Schwenck was here to welcome you on your arrival last night.

Gilbert's Father I do not appreciate being left upon the doorstep like a hawker!

Gilbert If you'll only take the trouble to press the electric bell, Father, you'll be admitted at once. Is that not so, Pidgeon?

Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman Indeed it is, sir.

Gilbert's Father I have no intention of placing my life in danger, sir!

Gilbert How many doorstep deaths have we had thus far, Pidgeon?

Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman None to my certain knowledge, sir.

Gilbert There you are, Father. The odds would appear to be in your favour.

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Wilhelm Rest assured, Mr. Lely, my designs are properly researched and authentic to the last thread.

Durward Lely No disrespect to you, Mr. Wilhelm, but your authentically tailored costume seems to have left me rather in the buff, somewhat!

Wilhelm No more in the buff than Japanese peasants have been for the last eight hundred years, sir.

Durward Lely May I draw your attention, Mr. Wilhelm, to the fact that I am not actually a Japanese peasant?

Gilbert No, you are a Scotch actor who is taking the part of a Japanese prince who is posing as an itinerant minstrel.

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Gilbert A terrible thing has just happened, Grossmith. You've become a cockney.

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John D'Auban, Choregrapher I haven't laughed so much since my tights caught fire in "Harlequin Meets Itchity Witch and the Snitch".

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Gilbert I'm sure we shall reap the benefits of your remonstrations in the fullness of time.

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[giving notes after a dress rehearsal]

Gilbert Your performances were, on the whole, promising, which is more than can be said, alas, for that of the sliding doors. One of which might have thought it was in Japan, but the other was apparently stubbornly laboring under the misapprehension that it was on holiday in Yorkshire.

[laughter]

Richard Barker Where was the man, Mr. Seymour?

Mr. Seymour, Production Manager Rest assured, Mr. Barker, that tomorrow night he will be with us in Japan.

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Gilbert Can we do that line again please, Barrington, and this time try it in English.

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Richard Temple Laughter, tears, curtain.

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Gilbert's Father Am I to understand, sir, that you have been in communication with your mother?

Gilbert No, Father, not for some considerable time, I'm glad to say.

Gilbert's Father You are a liar, sir.

Gilbert No, sir. I can assure you, Papa, that the very last person with whom I wish to have any communication at all is your estranged wife, the vicious woman who bore me into this ridiculous world.

Gilbert's Father How dare you, sir? Have you no respect?

Gilbert Don't misunderstand me, Father. Nobody respects her more than I do, and I can't stand the woman.

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Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) How's my wounded soldier?

Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid He's not doing as he's told, madam.

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) Oh, isn't he now? Willie, are you intending to visit the dentist tomorrow?

Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid You really should try...

Gilbert [exploding] Oh, for God's sake, you pair of bloody harpies! Get out, I'm *working*!

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Gilbert Every theatrical performance is a contrivance by its very nature.

Sullivan Yes, but this piece consists entirely of an artificial and implausible situation.

Gilbert If you wish to write a Grand Opera about a prostitute, dying of consumption in a garret, I suggest you contact Mr Ibsen in Oslo. I am sure he will be able to furnish you with something suitably dull.

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Wilhelm Mr. Grossmith, kindly oblige me by removing your hat.

George Grossmith Why, sir? Are you ready for me?

Wilhelm Would that I were, sir. And, I'll thank you not to refer to my designs as "vulgar", Mr. Lely.

Durward Lely Mr. Wilhelm, to my eyes, your designs are not only vulgar, but obscene!

Wilhelm How DARE you, sir?

Gilbert Strong words, Lely - what the deuce do you mean?

Durward Lely Mr. Gilbert, I am a respectably married man and I love my wife dearly. Now, one of the few pleasures that she has enjoyed since the untimely demise of my beloved mother-in-law is to watch me perform upon the stage. But, I am not prepared to allow her to suffer the embarrassment of seeing me flaunted before the public like a half-dressed, performing dog!

Gilbert You have my sympathies, Lely. Unfortunately, your avocation as an actor compels you, on occasion, to endure the most ignominious indignities, to which Grossmith will doubtless testify.

George Grossmith Without question, sir.

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Fanny Ronalds Oh, there's good news from Dublin.

Sullivan Mm?

Fanny Ronalds The Churchills are to return to London.

Sullivan Forgiven, but not forgotten.

Fanny Ronalds I do hope so. Jenny says Winston is eleven, covered in freckles, and has a total disdain for authority.

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Gilbert's Father [on Gilbert's mother] She is a veritable gorgon.

Gilbert She is indeed, and she has chosen her own path, and in so doing, she has turned her back on yourself and myself. And for that small mercy we should both of us be eternally grateful.

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Sullivan [proposing a toast] To the Savoy Hotel.

Richard D'Oyly Carte The Savoy Hotel.

Sullivan With its seventy bathrooms.

Richard D'Oyly Carte The builder was much bemused. "What's the point of having a bathroom to every bedroom? Who's going to be staying there, amphibians?"

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[to her reflection in the theatre dressing-room mirror]

Leonora Braham, Lead Soprano Yes, I am indeed beautiful. Sometimes I sit and wonder, in my artless Japanese way, why it is that I am so much more attractive than anybody else in the whole world. Can this be vanity? No! Nature is lovely, and rejoices in her loveliness. I am a child of Nature, and take after my mother.

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Sullivan [to Mr. Hurley, the bassoonist] You was late, Mr. 'Urley.

[laughter]

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[rehearsing a scene]

George Grossmith [annoyed] "Well, a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding head, and the deference due to a man of pedigree!"

Gilbert Mr. Grossmith, you are under sentence of death, "by something lingering, either boiling oil or melted lead." Kindly bear that in mind.

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Fanny Ronalds Lady Colin is irresistible. She cannot conceive why the Irish are starving when there's lots of good fish in the sea.

Sullivan She most probably has a point.

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[after extracting Gilbert's bad tooth]

Dentist I must say, my wife and I did find "Princess Ida" rather too long, don't you know.

Gilbert [mumbles indignantly around the gauze in his mouth]

Dentist Try not to speak, old chap.

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Armourer [in French] You are going to have a definite success, sir!

Gilbert Merci.

[the Armourer leaves]

Gilbert What do you expect me to do, kiss the carpenters?

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Gilbert What are you writing, sir?

Calligrapher [speaks Japanese]

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Wilhelm Will you remove your corset.

Durward Lely I beg your pardon?

Wilhelm Kindly remove your corset, Mr. Lely, it will spoil the hang of the cloth.

Durward Lely Mr. Gilbert, I never perform without my corset!

Gilbert What, never?

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Richard D'Oyly Carte Well, I don't know about you, but speaking for myself, I could murder a pork chop.

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Sullivan What's this?

Richard D'Oyly Carte Pull it.

[Sullivan does]

Richard D'Oyly Carte It's a reservoir pen. Contains its own ink.

Sullivan Good gracious me. Whatever will they think of next?

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Sullivan Oh, Gilbert! You and your world of topsy-turvydom. In 1881, it was a magic coin; and before that it was a magic lozenge; and in 1877 it was an elixir.

Gilbert In this instance it is a magic potion.

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[in a Japanese tea house]

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) My goodness! It's perfectly green.

Gilbert Spinach water.

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) Oh, Willie.

Gilbert Thank you very much.

Miss 'Sixpence Please' Shickerspen, preas.

Gilbert I beg your pardon?

Miss 'Sixpence Please' Shickerspen, preas.

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) Oh, she speaks English.

Gilbert What did she say?

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) She said, "Sixpence, please."

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Gilbert They walked downstage in the Japanese manner.

John D'Auban, Choregrapher They walked downstage in the Japanese manner because they are Japanese.

Gilbert Exactly, and that is precisely why they are here.

John D'Auban, Choregrapher Our three little maids are not Japanese. However, they are very funny.

Gilbert No funnier, however, than they would be if they all sat down on pork pies.

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Richard Temple One should be rewarded on one's merits, not on one's ability to ingratiate oneself with the management. Particularly when the management have difficulty in locating the relative whereabouts of the arse and the elbow.

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Richard D'Oyly Carte With reference to your engagement for the opera, I have a great concern about your little weakness.

Leonora Braham, Lead Soprano Hmm... I'm a little shocked, Mr. Carte. I really do believe that my behavior this last year has been exemplary.

Richard D'Oyly Carte I'm pleased to say your tendency has improved, but I am concerned about the future.

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Gilbert's Mother Maude...

Maude Gilbert Yes, Mama?

Gilbert's Mother Never bear a humorous baby.

Maude Gilbert I shall endeavor not to, Mama.

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Gilbert You, do?

[referring to the chorus members belief that the Mikado song should not have been cut]

Mr. Price Yes, sir, we do so.

Female Chorus Member Yes, especially after all our extremely hard work and of course, Mr. Temple's.

Gilbert I'm very sorry for you, but as we all know, it's an unjust world.

Male Chorus Member We all feel it would have been a great benefit to the opera.

Female Chorus Member And it's fair for it to be left to the audience to decide.

Gilbert Is this the considered opinion of you all?

Chorus Members It is, sir.

Mr. Kent I am not a party to this, Mr. Gilbert.

Gilbert Ah, Mr. Kent, as ever the sole voice of reason!

Gilbert [to Temple, who has unexpectedly come upon the meeting of Gilbert and the chorus members] Mr. Temple, what do you make of this occurrence?

Richard Temple I do beg your pardon Mr. Gilbert, but I have absolutely no idea of what is taking place.

Gilbert There has been a request that your song be reinstated.

Richard Temple Ah.

[pause]

Richard Temple Ah.

Gilbert A most forceful request, I have to say.

[George Grossmith also comes unexpectedly upon the crowd]

George Grossmith [to the crowd members] Afternoon, afternoon, please give way.

[seeing Gilbert]

George Grossmith Ah! Beg pardon, sir.

Gilbert This is surprising, indeed, ladies and gentlemen, somewhat overwhelming.

Gilbert [to Temple] Temple, would you be prepared to sing this song at this evening's performance?

Richard Temple Yes, sir, I would.

Gilbert [after long hesitation] Then please be so good as to do so.

[Chorus members laugh, cheer and applaud]

Gilbert Rehearsals will commence in five minutes!

Male Chorus Member Congratulations, Temple!

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Gilbert I don't quite know how to take praise. It makes my eye red.

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Gilbert's Father A father should not have to seek permission to visit his own son!

Gilbert The son shouldn't be expected to be clairvoyant.

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Gilbert Now, Miss "Sixpence, Please" - what you have just witnessed is not even remotely Japanese, am I right?

[Miss "Sixpence, Please" is silent]

Gilbert [to the Japanese man] Sir - Japanese.

Japanese Man Japanese.

Gilbert No.

Japanese Man No.

Gilbert Thank you very much...

John D'Auban, Choregrapher Excuse me, Mr. Gilbert sir, if I may?

[to the Japanese man]

John D'Auban, Choregrapher Japanese.

Japanese Man Japanese.

John D'Auban, Choregrapher Yes.

Japanese Man Yes.

John D'Auban, Choregrapher [to Gilbert] See, he hasn't got the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.

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Mr. Price Hello, Mr. Gilbert.

[addressing Gilbert as he is leaving the theater at the head of the members of the opera chorus]

Gilbert Good Afternoon, Price.

Mr. Price Mr. Gilbert, might you spare us a moment of your time, please?

Gilbert Of course, that's why we're here. We have to rehearse.

Mr. Price Please, Mr. Gilbert...

Gilbert [irritated] Yes, Price, what is it?

Mr. Price [hesitating] We-uh...

Gilbert Hmm?

Mr. Price The ladies and gentlemen of the chorus...

Gilbert [patiently] Yes?

Mr. Price Concerning Mr. Temple's song, sir.

Gilbert Ah! The Mikado's song!

Mr. Price Yes, sir.

Gilbert Well, what of that mercifully released aberration?

Mr. Price We all consider it a very fine song, sir.

Male Chorus Member Indeed, we do!

Gilbert Gratifying, I'm sure, but that must be a matter of opinion, mustn't it, Price?

Mr. Price Well, yes, Mr. Gilbert, but we believe it a great loss.

Male Chorus Member Terrible!

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Gilbert [giving notes to the cast after a dress rehearsal] Ko-ko's entrance: Mr. Kent and Mr. Conyngham. Please ensure that you do not flinch at Mr. Grossmith's sword. You must have confidence that he is not about to chop off your heads, even if it may appear that that is your inevitable fate.

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Sullivan This work with Gilbert is quite simply killing me.

Richard D'Oyly Carte Working with Gilbert would kill anybody.

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Fanny Ronalds Lady Colin is endeavoring to persuade us to take up smoking. She's writing an article for the Saturday Review. She proposes that nicotine is a gift from the gods, and if men may benefit from its soothing qualities, why then may women not also? My poor daughter now believes that smoking is an extension of the... communion between a woman and her husband.

Sullivan Will she be smoking a cigarette on her wedding day?

Fanny Ronalds [laughing] Heaven forfend!

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Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) Schwenk speaks to The Savoy every morning in code, father-in-law. Just in case the telephone operator should be eavesdropping.

Gilbert's Father One might as well open the window and shout down the street.

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Gilbert Barker, what are you doing? Do you propose to join in?

Richard Barker My dancing days are long over, Mr. Gilbert.

Gilbert Over, Barker, but not forgotten.

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[Gilbert brings a samurai sword home from the Japanese exhibition]

Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman It's a fine-looking instrument, sir. Now would that be Spanish or Italian?

Gilbert Neither, Pidgeon.

Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman Of course, sir.

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Richard Temple [on wearing a sweaty costume during summer performances] I fear that dear Mr. Gilbert has run out of ideas.

Durward Lely No!

Richard Temple He doesn't know what to do with me. Ponder this: he thrusts me into a gamut of tight-fitting pots, pans, and pails, and poaches me like a fucking haddock! Forgive my Anglo-Saxon, Mr. Butt.

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Gilbert How was your crossing, Sullivan?

Sullivan Mercifully smooth, thank you.

Gilbert As smooth as D'Oyly Carte?

[they laugh]

Sullivan No, not quite, Gilbert.

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George Grossmith I have a meeting with Carte this afternoon.

George Grossmith At what hour?

Rutland Barrington Five o'clock.

George Grossmith Curious. I am to meet with him at half-past four.

Durward Lely Strange, I DON'T have a meeting with him at four o'clock.

Rutland Barrington It is my firm intention to prise open his purse.

George Grossmith It will take a far stronger man than you, Mr. Barrington, to fulfill that herculean labour.

Rutland Barrington [chuckles] And what's your mission, Captain Grossmith?

George Grossmith Oh, there are certain little matters.

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Durward Lely Dickie, have you heard the real news of the day?

Richard Temple Yes, the Fenian bomb. Oh, dreadful.

Durward Lely No - Grossmith and Barrington.

Richard Temple [shocked] What?

Durward Lely They're off tonight.

Richard Temple No!

Durward Lely Yes.

Richard Temple Both of them?

Durward Lely Yes.

Richard Temple Why?

Durward Lely Oysters...

Richard Temple [gasps]

Durward Lely - We shared luncheon together.

Richard Temple Did you swallow?

Durward Lely No, I chose the sole!

Richard Temple Off the bone?

Durward Lely Yes, it was rather succulent.

Richard Temple Wise man. Oysters can kill, you know.

Durward Lely Oh, unquestionably!

Richard Temple I had an aunt, choked on a scallop at Herne Bay.

Durward Lely Really?

Richard Temple Tragic.

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Gilbert [indignantly] "Sullivan & Gilbert"? Who are they?

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John D'Auban, Choregrapher On the whole, the terpsichore was executed very magnifiquely, notwithstanding the topsy-turvydom befuddling Mr. Ko-Ko's entrance.

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Gilbert Thus. The traditional Japanese posture adopted by well-meaning, but misguided, underlings upon the departure of their august superiors.

George Grossmith Would that be a recognised Japanese attitude, sir?

Gilbert Not as yet, Grossmith, but I have every confidence that it shall become one.

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Jessie Bond [about her kimono] It's shapeless.

Madame Leon Yes, Miss Bond, it is shapeless. Japanese ladies are most shapeless.

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Richard Temple Shocking news from Khartoum. Something will have to be done tout-de-suite. Mrs. Temple hit the nail on the head as usual.

Durward Lely Oh, really? What did she say?

Richard Temple "The nation loses a hero, but the family loses a loved one."

Durward Lely Oh, how apt.

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Richard D'Oyly Carte Who told you that?

Richard Barker Hollingshead. I played a game of cricket with him this morning before breakfast at Coram's Fields.

Helen Lenoir In this heat?

Richard Barker Yes, madam, but not in this attire.

Helen Lenoir Oh, good.

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[Barker phones Gilbert with the returns from the previous evening, speaking in code]

Richard Barker U, U, plus 10 shillings and sixpence!

Gilbert Can you repeat that, please?

Richard Barker Yes: U, U!

Gilbert So that's U for udder, U for udder, plus ten shillings and sixpence!

Richard Barker Yes!

Gilbert So you have two udders, Barker?

Richard Barker Uh, yes!

Gilbert I always suspected as much!

Richard Barker [laughs]

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Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid I've made you some beef tea, Mr. Gilbert.

Gilbert Take it away.

Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid You've not had anything since yesterday afternoon, sir.

Gilbert Take it away.

Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid You can't work on an empty stomach.

Gilbert I can't work at all, Mrs. Judd, if I'm being constantly pestered by interfering women with hot beef tea, cold compresses, mustard poultices, and excessive attacks of philanthropic zeal.

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Sullivan May I remind you, Helen, that I am not a machine.

Helen Lenoir I would not suggest for one moment that you were.

Sullivan You all seem to be treating me as a barrel-organ. You have but to turn my handle, and Hey Presto! Out pops a tune.

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Gilbert I have other things on my mind, you know that.

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) Yes, I do know that, Willie, and I understand, but a little distraction will do you good.

Gilbert Kitty, I don't want to be distracted.

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) Yes, you do.

Gilbert Oh, do I? You know my mind better than I do, do you?

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) I know you better than you think I do, Willie.

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George Grossmith The Hottentot in the desert doesn't play cricket. His natural habitation being the jungly-bungly tree, he is as yet hardly able to walk upright, don't you know.

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Jessie Bond Is one to presume one is to be prevented from wearing one's corset, Madame Leon?

Madame Leon Miss Bond, none of the ladies shall be wearing corsets during the performance.

Jessie Bond That's simply preposterous!

Madame Leon Our aim is to emulate the Japanese ladies, and Japanese ladies are as thin as thread paper, inasmuch a Roman column as opposed to a Grecian urn.

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Gilbert You have my sympathies, Lely. But unfortunately your avocation as an actor compels you on occasion to endure the most ignominious indignities, as Grossmith will doubtless testify.

George Grossmith Without question, sir.

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[Seymour, the stage manager, fills in Lely's part during a rehearsal]

Mr. Seymour, Production Manager [reading from the script, over-acting] Oh, but it's too late! I'm a dead man, and I'm off for my honeymoon.

[Barrington falls about laughing]

George Grossmith Uncanny, is it not?

Gilbert Mr. Seymour, please inform Mr. Lely that his services will no longer be required.

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Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) I should rather like to be an actor, upon the stage.

Gilbert An actor?

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) Yes. Wouldn't it be wondrous if perfectly commonplace people gave each other a round of applause at the end of the day?

[she claps enthusiastically]

Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) Well done, Kitty! Well done!

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Fanny Ronalds [to Sullivan] I love "The Mikado." You've put everything you are into it. You light up the world. You can't help it.

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Richard Barker [during a heat wave] Seven dead horses in the Strand this morning. Well, one down by Trafalgar Square.

Richard D'Oyly Carte I don't know how you can sit there in your hat and coat, Barker.

Richard Barker I'm too hot to remove them, Mr. Carte.

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Helen Lenoir [during a heat wave] I fear we shall all have to pray for rain.

Richard Barker Well, if it's any consolation, every theatre in town is afflicted. Even the Gaiety, graced as it is with Madame Bernhardt's execrable Lady Macbeth.

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Gilbert I was unable to present you with the libretto until you returned from your Grand Tour of Europe.

Sullivan That is neither here nor there.

Gilbert No, Sullivan, indeed. I was here and you were there!

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Richard Barker And now, sir, I am going in search of some Italian hokey-pokey, and I care not who knows it.

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George Grossmith [In rehearsals as Koko, and pronouncing a word wrongly] Is this a time for airy persiflidge?

Gilbert *Persiflage*, Grossmith.

George Grossmith Is it?

Gilbert It is.

George Grossmith Is this a time for airy persiflage? Doesn't sound right to me.

Gilbert Persiflage, mirage, fromage.

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Rutland Barrington [rehearsing a line] Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to a bald and unconvincing narrative.

Gilbert No, Barrington. "An *otherwise* bald and unconvincing narrative."

Rutland Barrington [faltering] Was that incorrect? I-I do beg your pardon.

Gilbert On the contrary, it has only just occurred to me.

Rutland Barrington Ah. To an *otherwise* bald and unconvincing narrative.

Gilbert Much better.

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[Frederick Bovill who has the part of Pish-Tush has just sung his part in the trio in a dotted rhythm, when it is in 12 8]

Sullivan Yes, but you see, I have gone to considerable trouble, Mr Bovill, to provide you with triplets. So, if you would care, to triple?

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Madame Leon I am acting on Mr. Gilbert's instructions. Mr. Gilbert desires the Japanese appearance, and what Mr. Gilbert desires, Mr. Gilbert must have! Fait accompli!

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Richard Barker [during a heat wave] I'm going out to seek a little Italian hokey-pokey, and I care not who knows it.

Richard D'Oyly Carte Thank you, Barker.

Richard Barker I shall not return with any for you sir... because it would melt. Au revoir.

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George Grossmith [of the Japanese fan] I'm sure I've seen this on a vase somewhere.

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Topsy-Turvy Movie Quotes