Magnolia 1999 - Movie Quotes

Burt Ramsey You with me, Jimmy?

Jimmy Gator The book says, "We might be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."

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Earl Partridge I loved her so. And she knew what I did. She knew all the fucking stupid things I'd done. But the love... was stronger than anything you can think of. The goddamn regret. The goddamn regret! Oh, and I'll die. Now I'll die, and I'll tell you what... the biggest regret of my life... I let my love go. What did I do? I'm sixty-five years old. And I'm ashamed. A million years ago... the fucking regret and guilt, these things, don't ever let anyone ever say to you you shouldn't regret anything. Don't do that. Don't! You regret what you fucking want! Use that. Use that. Use that regret for anything, any way you want. You can use it, OK? Oh, God. This is a long way to go with no punch. A little moral story, I say... Love. Love. Love. This fucking life... oh, it's so fucking hard. So long. Life ain't short, it's long. It's long, goddamn it. Goddamn. What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Phil. Phil, help me. What did I do?

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Gwenovier Come on, Frank. What are you doing?

Frank T.J. Mackey What am I doing? I'm quietly judging you.

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[last lines]

Jim Kurring [to Claudia] I can't let this go. I can't let you go. Now, you... you listen to me now. You're a good person. You're a good and beautiful person and I won't let you walk out on me. And I won't let you say those things - those things about how stupid you are and this and that. I won't stand for that. You want to be with me... then you be with me. You see?

[Claudia smiles]

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Young Pharmacy Kid Strong, strong stuff here. What exactly you have wrong, you need all this stuff?

Linda Partridge Motherfucker...

Young Pharmacy Kid What are you talking about?

Linda Partridge Who the fuck are you, who the fuck do you think you are? I come in here, you don't know me, you don't know who I am, what my life is, you have the balls, the indecency to ask me a question about my life?

Old Pharmacist Please, lady, why don't you calm down - ?

Linda Partridge Fuck you, too. Don't call me "lady". I come in here, I give these things to you, you check, you make your phone calls, look suspicious, ask questions. I'm sick. I have sickness all around me and you fucking ask me about my life? "What's wrong?" Have you seen death in your bed? In your house? Where's your fucking decency? And then I'm asked fucking questions. What's... wrong? You suck my dick. That's what's wrong. And you, you fucking call me "lady"? Shame on you. Shame on you. Shame on both of you.

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[first lines]

Narrator In the New York Herald, November 26, year 1911, there is an account of the hanging of three men. They died for the murder of Sir Edmund William Godfrey; husband, father, pharmacist and all around gentleman, resident of Greenberry Hill, London. He was murdered by three vagrants whose motive was simple robbery. They were identified as: Joseph Green, Stanley Berry, and Daniel Hill. Green, Berry, Hill. And I would like to think this was only a matter of chance. As reported in the Reno Gazette, June of 1983, there is the story of a fire, the water that it took to contain the fire, and a scuba diver named Delmer Darion. Employee of the Peppermill Hotel and Casino, Reno, Nevada. Engaged as a blackjack dealer. Well-liked and well-regarded as a physical, recreational and sporting sort, Delmer's true passion was for the lake. As reported by the coroner, Delmer died of a heart attack somewhere between the lake and the tree. A most curious side note is the suicide the next day of Craig Hansen. Volunteer firefighter, estranged father of four and a poor tendency to drink. Mr. Hansen was the pilot of the plane that quite accidentally lifted Delmer Darion out of the water. Added to this, Mr. Hansen's tortured life met before with Delmer Darion just two nights previous. The weight of the guilt and the measure of coincidence so large, Craig Hansen took his life. And I am trying to think this was all only a matter of chance. The tale told at a 1961 awards dinner for the American Association of Forensic Science by Dr. John Harper, President of the Association, began with a simple suicide attempt: seventeen-year-old Sydney Barringer, in the city of Los Angeles on March 23, 1958. The coroner ruled that the unsuccessful suicide had suddenly become a successful homicide. To explain: The suicide was confirmed by a note in the right hip pocket of Sydney Barringer. At the same time young Sydney stood on the ledge of this nine-story building, an argument swelled three stories below. The neighbors heard, as they usually did, the arguing of the tenants and it was not uncommon for them to threaten each other with a shotgun, or one of the many handguns kept in the house. And when the shotgun accidentally went off, Sydney just happened to pass. Added to this, the two tenants turned out to be Faye and Arthur Barringer, Sydney's mother and Sydney's father. When confronted with the charge, which took some figuring out for the officers on the scene of the crime, Faye Barringer swore that she did not know the gun was loaded. A young boy who lived in the building, sometimes a visitor and friend to Sydney Barringer, said that he had seen, six days prior, the loading of the shotgun. It seems that all the arguing and fighting and all of the violence was far too much for Sydney Barringer, and knowing his mother and father's tendency to fight, he decided to do something. Sydney Barringer jumps from the ninth-floor rooftop. His parents argue three stories below. Her accidental shotgun blast hits Sydney in the stomach as he passes the arguing sixth-floor window. He is killed instantly but continues to fall, only to find, three stories below, a safety net installed three days prior for a set of window washers there that would have broken his fall and saved his life if not for the hole in his stomach. So Faye Barringer was charged with the murder of her son, and Sydney Barringer noted as an accomplice in his own death. And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just "Something That Happened." This cannot be "One of Those Things. " This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can't. This was not just a matter of chance. Oh, these strange things happen all the time.

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Stanley Spector [watching it rain frogs outside the library window] This happens. This is something that happens.

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Frank T.J. Mackey Don't go away, you fucking asshole, don't go away. Don't go away, you fucking asshole, don't go away! Don't go away you fucking asshole!

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I know I did a stupid thing. So stupid! Getting braces. I thought... I thought he would love me. Getting... braces! And for what? For something I don't even... I don't know where to put things, you know? I really do have love to give! I just don't know where to put it!

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[repeated line]

Frank T.J. Mackey I will drop-kick those fuckin' dogs if they come near me.

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Frank T.J. Mackey Respect the cock! And tame the cunt! Tame it! Take it on headfirst with the skills that I will teach you at work and say no! You will not control me! No! You will not take my soul! No! You will not win this game! Because it's a game, guys. You want to think it's not, huh? You want to think it's not? Go back to the schoolyard and you have that crush on big-titted Mary Jane. Respect the cock. You are embedding this thought. I am the one who's in charge. I am the one who says yes! No! Now! Here! Because it's universal, man. It is evolutional. It is anthropological. It is biological. It is animal. We... are... men!

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[singing along to Aimee Mann's "Wise Up"]

Claudia Wilson Gator It's not / What you thought / When you first began it / You got / What you want / Now you can hardly stand it though / By now you know / It's not going to stop

Jim Kurring It's not going to stop / It's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up

Jimmy Gator You're sure / There's a cure / And you have finally found it

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith You think / One drink / Will shrink you 'til you're underground / And living down / But it's not going to stop

Phil Parma It's not going to stop

Earl Partridge It's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up

Linda Partridge Prepare a list for what you need / Before you sign away the deed / 'Cause it's not going to stop

Frank T.J. Mackey It's not going to stop / It's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up / No, it's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up / No, it's not going to stop

Stanley Spector So just... give up

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Claudia Wilson Gator Now that I've met you, would you object to never seeing me again?

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Stanley Spector This isn't funny. This isn't cute. See the way we're looked at? Because I'm not a toy. I'm not a doll. The way we're looked at because you think we're cute? Because, what? I'm made to feel like a freak if I answer questions? Or I'm smart? Or I have to go to the bathroom? What is that, Jimmy? What is that? I'm asking you that.

Jimmy Gator I'm not sure, Stanley.

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Jim Kurring A lot of people think this is just a job that you go to. Take a lunch hour... job's over. Something like that. But it's a 24-hour deal. No two ways about it. And what most people don't see... is just how hard it is to do the right thing. People think if I make a judgment call... that's a judgment on them, but that is not what I do. And that's not what should be done. I have to take everything... and play it as it lays. Sometimes people need a little help. Sometimes people need to be forgiven. And sometimes they need to go to jail. And that is a very tricky thing on my part... making that call. I mean, the law is the law. And heck if I'm gonna break it. You can forgive someone. Well, that's the tough part. What can we forgive? Tough part of the job. Tough part of walking down the street.

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Thurston Howell It's dangerous to confuse children with angels.

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I'm sick and I'm in love.

Thurston Howell You seem the sort of person who confuses the two.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith That's right. That's the first time you've been right. I confuse the two and I don't care.

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Frank T.J. Mackey [Frank is speaking to followers at his seminar] Men are shit. What? Men... are... *shit*. What, isn't that what they say? Because we do bad things, don't we? We do horrible, heineous, *heinous*, terrible things. Things that no woman would ever do. No, women, they don't lie. No, women don't cheat. Women don't *manipulate* us. But you see what I'm getting at. You see what society does? Little boys, it's, "Wow, womaaaan!" We are taught to apologize. I am sorry. I am so sorry, baby. I am so sorry. What is it that we need? Is it their pussies? Their love? Mommy wouldn't let me play soccer... and Daddy, he hit me, so that's who I am, that's why I do what I do? Fucking bullshit. I will not apologize for who I am. I will not apologize for what I need. I will not apologize for what I *want*!

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Claudia Wilson Gator I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people.

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Dixon When the sunshine don't work, the good Lord bring the rain in.

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Stanley Spector Dad? You need to be nicer to me.

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Earl Partridge I'll tell you the greatest regret of my life: I let my love go.

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Jim Kurring Sometimes people need a little help. Sometimes people need to be forgiven. And sometimes they need to go to jail.

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Narrator And there is the account of the hanging of three men, and a scuba diver, and a suicide. There are stories of coincidence and chance, of intersections and strange things told, and which is which and who only knows? And we generally say, "Well, if that was in a movie, I wouldn't believe it." Someone's so-and-so met someone else's so-and-so and so on. And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that strange things happen all the time. And so it goes, and so it goes. And the book says, "We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I used to be smart, but now I'm just stupid.

Thurston Howell Brad, dear, who was it that said..."A man of genius has seldom been ruined but by himself"?

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith [quietly; to himself] ... Samuel Johnson...

Thurston Howell It was the lovely Samuel Johnson! Who also spoke of a fellow "who was not only dull... but a cause of dullness in others."

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith "The cause of dullness in others."

Thurston Howell Picky picky!

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Let me tell you this; Samuel Johnson never had his life shit on... and taken from him, and his money stolen! Who took his life and his money? His parents? His mommy, and daddy? Make him live this life like this... A man of genius who gets shit on as a child!... and that scars! That hurts! Have you ever been hit by lightning? It hurts. It doesn't happen to everyone. It's an electrical charge. It finds its way across the universe... and it lands in your body, and your head! And as for ruined, but by himself... not if his parents took his freaking life... and his money, and tell you to do this... and to do that, and if you don't...

Smiling Peanut Patron #1 Your parents took your money you won on that game show?

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Yes! They did.

[to Thurston]

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith What does that mean, a spoke in the wheel?

Thurston Howell Things go round and round, don't they?

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Yes, they do... They do. But I'll make my dreams come true.

Thurston Howell Sounds sad as a weeping willow.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I used to be smart. But now I'm just stupid.

Thurston Howell [raising his glass] Shall we drink to that?

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Phil Parma [looks out window] Why are frogs falling from the sky?

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Earl Partridge Don't ever let anyone ever say to you, 'You shouldn't regret anything.' Don't do that, don't! You regret what you fucking want! And use that, use that, use that regret for anything, any way you want. You can use it, okay?

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Frank T.J. Mackey In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve - it's what you take!

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Claudia Wilson Gator I'm really nervous that you're gonna hate me soon. You're gonna find stuff out about me and you're gonna hate me.

Jim Kurring No. Like what? What do you mean?

Claudia Wilson Gator You have so much - so many good things. And you seem so together. You're a police officer and you seem so straight and put together - without any problems.

Jim Kurring I lost my gun today.

Claudia Wilson Gator What?

Jim Kurring I lost my gun today when I left you and I'm the laughingstock of a lot of people. I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know and it's on my mind. And it makes me look like a fool. And I feel like a fool. And you asked that we should say things - that we should say what we're thinking and not lie about things. Well, I can tell you that, this, that I lost my gun today - and I am not a good cop. And I'm looked down at. And I know that. And I'm scared that once you find that out you may not like me.

Claudia Wilson Gator Jim. That, that was so...

Jim Kurring I'm sorry.

Claudia Wilson Gator - great. What you just said.

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith You look like you have money in your pocket.

Thurston Howell Maybe I'm just happy to see my friend Brad there.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Just throw some money around. Money, money, money.

Thurston Howell This sounds threatening.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Do you have love in your heart?

Thurston Howell I have love all over. I even have love for you, friend.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Is it real love? The kind of love that makes you feel... that intangible joy in the pit of your stomach... like a bucket of acid and nerves running around... making you hurt and happy and all over... You're head over heels?

Thurston Howell You lost me with the last couple of cocktail words spoken my boy... but I believe it's that sort of love. Sounds nice to me.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I have love.

Thurston Howell A very chatty kind, indeed you do.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith No, I mean I'm telling you - I have love.

Thurston Howell Yes, and I'm listening avidly, fella.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith My name is Donnie Smith, and I have lots of love to give.

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Earl Partridge This fucking life... it's so fucking hard, so long! Life ain't short, it's long, it's long, God damn it!

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Earl Partridge Phil. Phil. Hey, come here. Come here. Uh... Phil. I'm... I'm gonna try... talk. I'm gonna try to say something-something. Do you know Lily, Phil? Do you know her? Lily?

Phil Parma No, I don't.

Earl Partridge Oh, she's my love, my life, love of it. Y'know. In school... I'm twelve years old, in school, in sixth grade. I saw her. I didn't go to that school, but... uh... we met. My friend knew her. I said, uh... "What's that girl? How's that Lily?" "Oh, she's bad. She sleeps with guys." Yeah, he said this, but then sometimes... I went to another school, you see. But then... when high school - at an end. What is that when it gets to the end?

Phil Parma Graduation.

Earl Partridge No, no, the grade. What grade are you in?

Phil Parma That's 12th.

Earl Partridge Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I went to her school for that grade. Grade - that's grade twelve. And we meet. She was... fucking like a doll. A beautiful porcelain doll. And the hips, child-bearing hips, you know that? So, so beautiful. And I cheated on her... over and over and over again. Because I wanted to be a man. And I didn't want her to be a woman, you know? A smart, free person who was something! My fucking mind then. So stupid, that fucking mind! Stupid! Jesus Christ! What would I think, did I think for what I'd done? She was my wife for twenty-three years... and I went behind her over and over. Fucking asshole that I am. I'd go out and I'd fuck and I'd come home and get in her bed... and say... "I love you." This is Jack's mother. His mother, Lily. These two... that I had... and I lost. This is the regret that you make. This is the... regret that you make and the something you take and the blah, blah, blah, something, something. Gimme a cigarette. Mistakes like this... you don't make. Sometimes... you make some and OK. Not OK, sometimes, you make other ones. Know that you should do better. I loved Lily. I cheated on her. She was my wife for twenty-three years. And I have a son. And she has cancer. And I'm not there, and he's forced to take care of her. He's fourteen years old. To... to take care of his mother... and watch her die on him. A little kid, and I'm not there. And she does die.

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Phil Parma I know this sounds silly, like this is the scene in the movie where the guy's trying to get ahold of the long-lost son, you know, but this is that scene. And I think they have those scenes in movies because they're true, you know? Because they really happen. See, this is the scene in the movie where you help me out.

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Frank T.J. Mackey Respect the Cock. Tame the Cunt

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Frank T.J. Mackey Do you think they're your friends? They're not your friends. Do you really think she'll be there when things go bad? Huh? When things go wrong? You think again. Oh, fucking Denise, Denise the Piece, you are gonna give me that cherry pie, sweet mama baby.

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Rose Gator Say it, Jimmy.

Jimmy Gator I think she thinks... that I may have... molested her. She thinks terrible things that somehow got into her head... that I may have done. She said that to me last time, when it was... ten years ago, she walked out the door. "You touched me wrong. I know that." Some crazy thought in her head.

Rose Gator Did you ever touch her?

Jimmy Gator I don't know.

Rose Gator [covers her mouth in disgust] ... Jimmy!...

Jimmy Gator I don't know. I really don't.

Rose Gator But you can't say!

Jimmy Gator I don't know what I've done.

Rose Gator [angering] Yes, you do. You do! But you won't say!

Jimmy Gator I don't know. What? Please? Please.

Rose Gator You deserve to die alone for what you've done!

Jimmy Gator I don't know what I've done!

Rose Gator [beginning to cry] Yes, you do!

Jimmy Gator Rose, if I said that I knew, would you stay?

Rose Gator No!

Jimmy Gator But I don't know what I've done.

Rose Gator You should know better!

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Frank T.J. Mackey In this big game that we play, life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve, it's what you take. I'm Frank T.J. Mackey, a master of the muffin and author of the Seduce and Destroy system now available to you on video and audio cassette. Seduce and Destroy will teach you the techniques to have any hardbody blonde just dripping to wet your dock. Bottom line? Language. The magical key to unlocking the female analytical mindset. Tap directly into her hopes, her wants, her fears, her desires, and her sweet little panties. Learn how to make that lady "friend" your sex-starved servant. I don't care how you look. I don't care what car you drive. I don't care what your last bank statement says. Seduce and Destroy produces an instant money-back guarantee trance-like state that will get you this - naughty sauce you want fast. Hey - how many more times do you need to hear the all-too-famous line of 'I just don't feel that way about you?'

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Claudia Wilson Gator You don't know how fucking stupid I am.

Jim Kurring It's okay.

Claudia Wilson Gator You don't know how *crazy* I am.

Jim Kurring It's okay.

Claudia Wilson Gator I got troubles, okay?

Jim Kurring I'll take everything at face value. I'll be a good listener.

Claudia Wilson Gator I started this didn't I, didn't I - fuck.

Jim Kurring Whatever it is, just say it, you'll see.

Claudia Wilson Gator ...You wanna kiss me, Jim?

Jim Kurring Yes, I do.

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Want to know the common element for the entire group?... I'll tell you the answer: I'll tell you, 'cause I had that one. I had that question... Carbon. Carbon. In pencil lead, it's in the form of graphite and in coal, it's mixed up with other impurities and in the diamond it's in hard form.

[Jimmy Gator impression]

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith "Well... all we were asking was the common element, Donnie... but thank you for all that unnecessary knowledge... haha, kids! Heads so full of useless knowledge. Thank you. Thank you." And the book says: "We may be through with the past... but the past is not through with us!"

[to Thurston]

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith And... no, it is not dangerous to confuse children with angels!

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Do you know who I am?

Thurston Howell You're a friend of the family, I presume.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith What does that mean?

Thurston Howell Nothing special. Just a spoke in the wheel.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith You talk in rhymes and riddles and r-Rub-a-Dub. But that doesn't mean anything to me. See, I used to be smart. I'm Quiz Kid Donnie Smith.

[loudly]

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I'm Quiz Kid Donnie Smith, from TV.

Thurston Howell It might have been before my time.

Smiling Peanut Patron #1 I remember. In the Sixties, right?

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I'm Quiz Kid Donnie Smith.

Thurston Howell Like you said.

Smiling Peanut Patron #1 Smart kid! You got struck by lightning once.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith So what?

Smiling Peanut Patron #1 I heard about that.

Smiling Peanut Patron #2 Did it hurt?

Thurston Howell But you're all right now. So what's the what?

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith What?

Thurston Howell That's right.

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Alan Kligman, Esq. Linda, stop. Now you take a moment, you breathe, and one thing at a time.

Linda Partridge Shut the fuck up.

Alan Kligman, Esq. You know what would help you, Linda?

Linda Partridge Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Alan Kligman, Esq. You need to sober up.

Linda Partridge Now, you must *really* shut the fuck up now, please - shut the fuck up.

Alan Kligman, Esq. Linda.

Linda Partridge I have to go.

Alan Kligman, Esq. Let me call you a car, Linda.

Linda Partridge Shut the fuck up.

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I'm sick... I'm sick here now. I confuse melancholy with depression sometimes. You see?

Thurston Howell Why don't you run along now, friend? Your dessert is getting cold.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I'm sick.

Thurston Howell Stay that way.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I'm sick, and I'm in love.

Thurston Howell You seem the sort of person who confuses the two.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith That's right! That's the first time you've been right. I confuse the two, and I don't care!

[to Brad]

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I love you. I love you, and I'm sick. I'll talk to you - I'll talk to you tomorrow. I'm getting corrective oral surgery tomorrow... for my teeth. I love you, Brad. Brad the bartender. You want to love me back? I'll be good to you. I'll be goddamn good for you. I won't be mad if you don't know who said what. I won't punish you if you get the answer wrong. I can teach you, and tell you...

Thurston Howell Brad, you have a special secret crush over there, I think. Don't treat him too lovely. He might get hurt...

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith - You, shut up! Mind your own business!

Thurston Howell Gently, son!

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Brad, I know you don't love me now.

Thurston Howell It's a dangerous thing to confuse children with angels.

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[Officer Kurring has just handcuffed Marcie to a couch]

Marcie This is bullshit. This is fuckin' bullshit.

Jim Kurring I want you to stay right there, Marcie.

Marcie This is bullshit motherfucker. Mother-goddamn-fucker it's bullshit and you know it!

[Officer Kurring moves down the hall to investigate a disturbance]

Marcie Don't go down my hallway! Don't go down my motherfuckin' hallway! This is bullshit motherfucker! Don't go in my god damn bedroom!

Jim Kurring This is the LAPD. If there's someone back here...

Marcie What I tell you? What I tell you? Ain't nobody in there! Where the fuck you goin' motherfuck? Don't go in my motherfuckin' bedroom and stay outta my motherfuckin' closet!

[Officer Kurring enters her bedroom]

Jim Kurring This is the LAPD. If there's someone in this closet, come out right now, or you will be shot.

[Marcie begins dragging the couch towards the bedroom]

Jim Kurring Marcie! Do not drag that couch any further!

Marcie There's nobody in my motherfucking closet, motherfucker! This don't make no sense! This don't make no goddamn sense! Why can't you goddamn talk to me? This is bullshit motherfucker!

[Officer Kurring opens the closet and finds a dead body]

Jim Kurring Whoa! What the hell is this, Marcie?

Marcie That ain't mine!

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Phil Parma When was the last time you talked to your son?

Earl Partridge ...I don't know. Ten, maybe... five... *moans*... that's another thing that goes...

Phil Parma Your memory?

Earl Partridge Time lines, you know? I remember things, but not... right there, you know?

Phil Parma Yeah.

Earl Partridge 'Yeah.' The fuck do you know?

Phil Parma I've seen it before.

Earl Partridge Yeah, other assholes like me.

Phil Parma Oh, there's no asshole like you.

Earl Partridge Cocksucker.

Phil Parma How come every other word you use is either 'cocksucker', 'shitballs' or 'fuck'?

Earl Partridge Do me a personal favor.

Phil Parma Go fuck myself?

Earl Partridge Yeah, you got it.

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Frank T.J. Mackey I'll tell you what I want you to do, Janet! I want you to do your fucking job!

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Phil Parma [making an order over the phone] I'd like to get an order of peanut butter, umm, uh, cigarettes, Camel Light, uhh, water...

Pink Dot Girl Bottled water?

Phil Parma No. You know what, forget the water. Just give me a loaf of bread. White bread.

Pink Dot Girl Okay.

Phil Parma And, umm, do you have Playboy magazine?

Pink Dot Girl Yeah.

Phil Parma Okay, one of those, and uh, Penthouse? The magazine?

Pink Dot Girl Yeah.

Phil Parma You have that? Okay uh, one of those, and umm... Hustler?

Pink Dot Girl Yeah.

Phil Parma You have that?

Pink Dot Girl Yeah, I said. That it?

Phil Parma Yeah that's it.

Pink Dot Girl Still want the peanut butter, bread, and cigarettes?

Phil Parma Yeah. What?

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Jim Kurring The law is the law, and heck if I'm gonna break it. But if you can forgive someone... Well, that's the tough part. What can we forgive?

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Aimee Mann It's not going to stop until you wise up.

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Jim Kurring Oh, Lord, why is this happening to me? God, please help me figure this out. I'm lost out here! I don't understand why it's happening. God, please, God!

[sirens]

Jim Kurring Whatever it is I did, I'm going to fix it. I'm going to do the right thing. Please, help me find the gun! I...

[points his flashlight at the camera as the sirens get louder]

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Earl Partridge I loved her so. She knew what I did. She knew all the fucking stupid things I'd done. But the love... was stronger than anything you can think of. God damn regret!

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Jim Kurring Let me tell you something, this is not an easy job. I get a call on the radio, dispatch, it's bad news. And it stinks. But this is my job and I love it. Because I want to do well - in this life and in this world, I want to do well. And I want to help people. And I might get twenty bad calls a day. But one time I can help someone and make a save - correct a wrong or right a situation - then I'm a happy cop. And as we move through this life we should try and do good. Do good... And if we can do that, and not hurt anyone else, well... then...

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Burt Ramsey We met upon the level, and we're parting on the square.

Jimmy Gator In my fucking sleep, Burt.

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing?

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Gwenovier So where are you from originally?

Frank T.J. Mackey Around here.

Gwenovier The Valley?

Frank T.J. Mackey Hollywood, mainly.

Gwenovier What did your parents do?

Frank T.J. Mackey My father was in television. My mother... This is going to sound silly to you.

Gwenovier Try me.

Frank T.J. Mackey She was a librarian.

Gwenovier Why does that sound silly?

Frank T.J. Mackey I don't know. I guess it doesn't.

Gwenovier Does your mother still work?

Frank T.J. Mackey No, she's retired.

Gwenovier Are you close?

Frank T.J. Mackey She's my mother.

Gwenovier Yes, but... she's a woman, too. How does she feel about "Seduce and Destroy"? What does she say?

Frank T.J. Mackey Well, she says, "You go get 'em, honey."

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Jim Kurring Now, some neighbors claimed they heard screaming and a loud crash.

Marcie I don't even know no loud crash.

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Aimee Mann Save me from the ranks of the freaks who suspect that they'll never love anyone.

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I need braces.

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[Claudia kisses Jim]

Claudia Wilson Gator I wanted to do that.

Jim Kurring Well...

Claudia Wilson Gator That felt good to do - to do what I wanted to do.

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Jimmy Gator Now I'm going to have our three whistlers... uh... please to present the next... um, the... um... musical... there were three... musical sections here, and this'll be the third... the third section... um... and they'll play a piece... it's very recognizable, it's... Chopin, actually... it's taken... it's, it's in the style of "March Militaire", which is a very... recognizable piece, so... if you please, just... listen to this, and I'm sure you can identify the... um, I'm sort of giving away the answer here, but that's... it's... Chopin... I don't mean to give away the answer... it's... please, just... you know... sing us a ditty, guys... a Chopin ditty.

[collapses]

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Rick Spector Let's make some fuckin' money, folks.

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Jim Kurring Now calm yourself down.

Marcie [shouts] I am calm!

Jim Kurring No you are not calm. You're screaming at me. Do you understand? I got a call for disturbance, and I'm going to checking it out. That is what I'm going to do. Are you alone in here?

Marcie I ain't got to answer none of your questions.

Jim Kurring No, you don't, but I'm going to ask you one more time. Are you alone in here?

Marcie What does it look like?

Jim Kurring There's no one else in here?

Marcie You in here.

Jim Kurring That's true, but is there anyone else besides me and you in this house?

Marcie No, I said that already.

Jim Kurring Are you lying to me?

Marcie I live by myself.

Jim Kurring That might be true, but the question I'm asking you, ma'am: is there anyone else in this house right now?

Marcie No.

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I'm sick.

Thurston Howell Stay that way.

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Burt Ramsey You smell like trouble.

Jimmy Gator I'm fucking hammered, Burt.

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Earl Partridge What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Phil, help me, what did I do?

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Jim Kurring ...whatever you wanna tell me, whatever you think might scare me, won't... and I will listen... I will be a good listener to you if that's what you want... and you know, you know... I won't judge you... I can do that sometimes, I know, but I won't... I can... listen to you and you shouldn't be scared of scaring me off or anything that you might think I'll think or on and on and just say it and I'll listen to you...

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Seduce and Destroy Furry No Pussy has Nine Lives!

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[repeated line]

Solomon Solomon Don't do this, Donnie!

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Rose Gator [on the phone] Hi, how you doing?

Jimmy Gator I'm drinking.

Rose Gator Slowly or quickly?

Jimmy Gator As fast as I can.

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Frank T.J. Mackey Men... are shit.

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Jimmy Gator It's in my bones. I'm fucked.

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Have you ever been struck by lightning? It hurts.

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Young Jimmy Gator [on T.V] Thank you, everyone...

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Avi Solomon Donnie, you got struck by lightning last summer you were on vacation in Tahoe, I don't think braces is a good idea.

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Jim Kurring Man, oh man, I feel like a bit of a scum-bucket doing this, since I came here as an officer of the law and the situation and everything, but I feel like I'd be a fool if I didn't do something I really wanna do - which is to ask you for a date.

Claudia Wilson Gator You wanna go on a date with me?

Jim Kurring Please, yes.

Claudia Wilson Gator Ahem. Well, is that illegal?

Jim Kurring Sort of.

Claudia Wilson Gator Then I'd like to go. What do you wanna do?

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Claudia Wilson Gator You're so stupid.

[snorts a line of coke]

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Please.

Solomon Solomon Don't, Donnie. Don't do this.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith This is so fucked, Solomon! I don't deserve this!

Solomon Solomon Don't get strong, Donnie. This is making sense. This is making a lot of sense. You are not doing the job. The job I ask you to do. A job I give you. Over and over and over. I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna say "I'm sorry" much more.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I don't have any money, Solomon. If you fire me...

Solomon Solomon I pay you! I give you a paycheck. Your sales suck, Don! I give. I give. When I find you, when I meet you, what? I put your name up on a fucking billboard. I put you in my store. My salesman. My fucking representation of Solomon Solomon Electronic. The Quiz Kid, Donnie Smith, from the game show.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I lent you my celebrity, my name. Exactly.

Solomon Solomon Oh, fuck you. Fuck you! I paid you! I paid you! I gave you a fucking chance, and a chance, over and over, and you let me down! I trust you with so much! Keys to my store. The codes to my locks. The life and blood of my business. In return you smashing in 7-Eleven! And late! Always late! Loans! The loans I give you for the kitchen that you never did.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I paid you back!

Solomon Solomon In two years. Two years later, and from your paycheck! I never charged interest.

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Earl Partridge She's a good girl. Yeah. She's a little nuts. But, she's a good girl, I think. Yeah. She's a little daffy. Yeah.

Phil Parma She loves you.

Earl Partridge Well, maybe. Yeah.

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Linda Partridge You don't understand. It's - there's more pain than before and the fucking morphine pills aren't working.

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Frank T.J. Mackey You're gonna have to be tough on yourself. You're gonna have to set goals.

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Placard Go Stanley!

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Jimmy Gator [Card: Our kids teach us]

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Rick Spector No, you have to be Subtly Abusive, so they don't know what's going on.

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Dr. Diane I understand.

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I have love.

Thurston Howell And I am listening avidly, fella!

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Jimmy Gator The Categories are: Chaos or Superstring, Authors and Rub-a-dub!

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Rick Spector I don't know where he gets it! He's a Goddamn Genius, really...

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Stanley Spector Dad, you have to be nicer to me.

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Stanley Spector [Book: Learned Pigs & Fireproof Women]

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Burt Ramsey [Masonic Pinky Ring] We met on the Level and we're parting on the Square!

Jimmy Gator Are you fucking insane, Burt?

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Claudia Wilson Gator Wanna call me a slut now or something?

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Frank T.J. Mackey I set goals for myself and when I say I do not wanna take it anymore, I will not take it anymore.

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Cynthia Wet. Wet is wet. Just that simple.

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Jimmy Gator I gotta go. I don't have time. I got a lot more drinking to do.

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Frank T.J. Mackey I am firing pearls at you here.

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Frank T.J. Mackey Facing the past is an important way of not making progress.

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Frank T.J. Mackey What is your fucking question?

Gwenovier Well, I guess my question is this: Why would you lie, Frank?

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Linda Partridge I am his wife. We are married. I broke the contract of marriage. I fucked around on him *many* times. I sucked other men's cocks. I fucked, fucked, fucked...

Alan Kligman, Esq. Adultery is not against the law.

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Phil Parma He will start to disappear.

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Burt Ramsey You have a chance to look those over?

Jimmy Gator Oh, come on. It's the same fucking shit for 30 years, Burt.

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Linda Partridge I met him, I fucked him, and I married him.

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Frank T.J. Mackey Listen up. That is not to say that we don't all need females as friends. Because we're gonna learn later in Chapter 23 that havin' a couple of chick friends lyin' around comes in real handy in setting jealousy traps.

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Thurston Howell Shall we drink to that?

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Frank T.J. Mackey How to pretend like you are nice and caring...

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Frank T.J. Mackey It's not very safe for you here, at the moment.

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Earl Partridge Got a girlfriend, Phil?

Phil Parma No.

Earl Partridge Get a girlfriend.

Phil Parma I'm trying.

Earl Partridge Do good things with her. And share the things. All that bullshit is true, you know, you know. Find a good one and hold on and all that.

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Frank T.J. Mackey Come June, oh, baby, it is the lick of my spoon. Come August, we like to celebrate: Saint Suck My Big Fat Fucking Sausage!

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Frank T.J. Mackey "Form A Tragedy." Now, this is simple and clean - and, if done correctly, can be very, very effective in getting some *bush*.

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Claudia Wilson Gator Why are you here? Why are you doing this? Coming in here? You wanna call me a whore?

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Jimmy Gator Claudia, I'm sick. I'm sick, Claudia.

Claudia Wilson Gator Fuck you.

Jimmy Gator No, no, please, listen to me.

Claudia Wilson Gator Fuck you!

Jimmy Gator Listen to me right now, Claudia. I am dying. I got sick and I fell down...

Claudia Wilson Gator Fuck you! Get the fuck out of my house.

Jimmy Gator I'm dying. I have cancer, Claudia. I have cancer. And I'm dying very soon.

Claudia Wilson Gator Fuck you.

Jimmy Gator It's metastasized in my bones.

Claudia Wilson Gator Fuck *you*!

Jimmy Gator Claudia, it's - I'm not lying to you. This is the truth. I'm telling you, Claudia, I'm going to lose.

Claudia Wilson Gator Get out. Get out! Get the fuck out of here! Get out! Go!

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Rick Spector All right, you ready to keep winning?

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Rick Spector I've never seen it rain this bad since last year - because of La Niña or El Niño or whatever the shit.

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Luis That's my thing. Come on. I'm serious. Come on. Milk and sports, man. You never heard? Milk and sports, okay? Anything baseball. Um, anything dealing with numbers - when it comes to those, you know, or who broke whatever record. Any kind of dairy product, any kind - dairy recipe, um, like goat milk, goat cheese, goat - all that stuff.

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Frank T.J. Mackey I finish one of these seminars, Gwenovier, I swear to fucking God, I mean, I am *Batman*. I'm Superman. I'm like a - a fucking - a fucking action hero the way I feel after that. I could walk out of this room right now, Gwenovier, I could go down the hall, walk down the street and I could pick up any sweet little honey I meet that has even one second to stop.

Gwenovier All it takes is one second?

Frank T.J. Mackey Just one second, girl. One second. One glance, one hesitation, one subtle - look my way - for me to know - and then it is: bing, bang, boom. Oh, my God! Oh!

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Frank T.J. Mackey I get so fucking jazzed at these seminars. See, because, I am - what I believe. I do as I say. I - live by these rules - as religiously as I preach them. And that's why I am getting the nasty: left, right, center, up, down, sideways. "The Battle of the Bush" is being fought and won by Team Mackey.

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Frank T.J. Mackey So, me, I am, you know, I'm just on full afterburners - full-throttle through hottie heaven.

[rapidly, repeatedly sticks his tongue in-and-out, in-and-out, in-and-out, etc.]

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Frank T.J. Mackey So, what we're looking at here is a true rags-to-riches story. That's why people respond so strongly to "Seduce", because at the end of the day, "Seduce" may not be just about picking up chicks, sticking your cock in. It's about finding out - what you can be in this world, defining it, controlling it, and saying, "I will take what is mine." And what if you happen to get a little blow job out of it, then, hey, what the fuck? Why not?

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Frank T.J. Mackey I don't wanna be the sort of fella who doesn't keep his word - so I gave you my fucking time, bitch.

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Frank T.J. Mackey You gotta give me things, Janet. Give me things. Give me information. I want the information. That's what I want.

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Doc Even if you don't get to pump her you still need to start honing your skills on a feminist.

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith You know, you know, you know. Go, go, go.

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Stanley Spector I'm not a doll! I'm not silly and cute! I'm smart. That should make me something - so people can watch how silly it is that he's smart. I know. I know things. I know, I know, I know I have to go to the bathroom.

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Jim Kurring I wait for those calls. And I wait and I pray. And sometimes, Jesus says: "Jim, I got a surprise for you today. I want you to meet this young lady, okay? Now, where it goes from there is up to you. And I don't think you're gonna screw it up, okay?" And, God, I'm telling you right now, I will not screw it up. You gave me an opportunity. I'm gonna treat this young lady right. I'm a happy cop.

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Dixon Presence! With the double-ass-meaning gifts I bestow, With my riff and my flow, But you don't hear me, though, Think fast, catch me, yo, 'Cause I throw what I know, With a resonance, For your trouble-ass fiend In weaning yourself, Off of the back of the shelf, Jackass crackers, body-stackers, Dick-tooting niggers, Masturbating your triggers

Jim Kurring Hold it, homeboy. I don't need to hear that word.

Dixon Living to get older, With a chip on your shoulder, Except you think you got a grip, 'Cause your hip got a holster, Ain't no confessor, so, buster, you better just shut the fuck up, Try to listen and learn

Jim Kurring Whoa, cut it, Coolio. I've had enough of the mouth and the language.

Dixon I'm almost done.

Jim Kurring Finish it up without the lip.

Dixon Check that ego, Come off it, I'm the prophet, The professor, I'm gonna teach you about the Worm, Who eventually turned to catch wreck, With the neck of a long-time oppressor, And he's running from the devil, But the debt is always gaining, And if he's worth being hurt, He's worth bringing pain in...

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Jimmy Gator He looked about 50!

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Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Solomon, please. Please! I am so fucked here if you do this. This is the worst timing. The worst timing I could ever imagine. I need to keep working. I have so many debts, so many things. I have... I have... I have... I have my surgery. I have my oral surgery coming.

Avi Solomon What surgery?

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Oral surgery. Corrective teeth surgery.

Solomon Solomon What is that?

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Braces.

Solomon Solomon Braces?

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Yes.

Solomon Solomon You don't need braces.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Yes, I do.

Solomon Solomon Your teeth are fine.

Avi Solomon Your teeth are straight.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I need surgery! I need corrective oral surgery.

Avi Solomon Don, you got struck by lightning that time in Tahoe you were on vacation. I don't think braces is a good idea.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith Solomon, just let me ask you once, please. Please, don't do this.

Avi Solomon How are you paying tor the braces, Donnie?

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I don't know.

Solomon Solomon Well, that's just incredible. How much are braces, anyway?

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith It's uh... doesn't matter.

Avi Solomon It's like five thousand dollars. I've seen it, I know.

Solomon Solomon Now, you're pissing me off, Don. This is fucking incredible. This is fucking stupid. You're paying five thousand dollars for braces you don't need?

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I've been a good worker.

Solomon Solomon Don't do this, Donnie!

Avi Solomon No need for braces, Donnie.

Solomon Solomon Where are you gonna get the money?

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I don't know.

Solomon Solomon You were going to ask me, weren't you?

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith I have been a good worker.

Avi Solomon No need for braces, Donnie.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith That is not of your business! I've been a good and loyal worker for you, you fucking assholes!

Avi Solomon Hey, fuck you, Donnie. Watch it, now.

Solomon Solomon Give me your keys!

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith No, don't...

Solomon Solomon Give me your fucking keys!

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Magnolia Movie Quotes