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Needy Lesnicky
You know what? You were never really a good friend. Even when we were little, you used to steal my toys and pour lemonade on my bed.
Jennifer Check
And now, I'm eating your boyfriend. See? At least I'm consistent.
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Needy Lesnicky
Why do you need him? Huh? You can have anybody that you want, Jennifer. So why Chip? Is it just to tick me off, or is it just because you're just really insecure?
Jennifer Check
I am not insecure, Needy. God... that's a joke. How could I ever be insecure? I was the Snowflake Queen.
Needy Lesnicky
Yeah... two years ago when you were socially relevant.
Jennifer Check
I am still socially relevant.
Needy Lesnicky
And when you didn't need laxatives to stay skinny.
Needy Lesnicky
I thought you only murdered boys.
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Needy Lesnicky
Hell is a teenage girl.
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Jennifer Check
You're such a player-hater.
Needy Lesnicky
And you're a jerk.
Jennifer Check
Nice insult, Hannah Montana. You got any more harsh digs?
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Colin Gray
They're showing "Rocky Horror" at the Bijou next Friday night.
Jennifer Check
[confusing "Rocky Horror Picture Show" with the "Rocky" movies that Sylvester Stallone makes]
I don't like boxing movies.
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Jonas' Dad
You hear me, you bastard? I'll cut off your nutsack and nail it to my door! Like one of those lion door knockers rich folks got! That will be your balls!
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Jennifer Check
He listens to maggot rock. He wears nail polish. My dick is bigger than his.
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Jennifer Check
I think the singer wants me.
Needy Lesnicky
Only because he thinks you're a virgin. I heard them talking.
Jennifer Check
Yeah, right. I'm not even a backdoor-virgin anymore, thanks to Roman. By the way, that hurts. I couldn't even go to flags the next day. I had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas.
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Needy Lesnicky
No, your heart.
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Needy Lesnicky
Jennifer's evil.
Chip Dove
I know.
Needy Lesnicky
No. I mean, she's actually evil. Not high school evil.
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Needy Lesnicky
How are you going to get alcohol?
Jennifer Check
I'll just play Hello Titty with the bartender.
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Needy Lesnicky
Are you PMS'ing or something?
Jennifer Check
PMS isn't real Needy, it was invented by the boy-run media to make us seem like we're crazy.
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Chastity
"Rumor"? Rumor! It's true. It's on the Wikipedia.
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Chip Dove
[Jennifer is levitating in the air, about 20 feet above the pool of water.]
She can fly?
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Nikolai Wolf
Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? There are so many of us, and we're all so cute and it's like if you don't get on Letterman or some retarded soundtrack, you're screwed, okay? Satan is our only hope. We're working with the beast now. And we've got to make a really big impression on him. And to do that, we're going to have to butcher you. And bleed you. And then Dirk here is gonna wear your face.
[Dirk gives him a look]
Nikolai Wolf
Relax, I'm kidding about the face thing. The rest is gonna happen.
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Chip Dove
Did you get the make and model?
Needy Lesnicky
I don't know, Chip! An '89 rapist?
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Jennifer Check
I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It's about a girl who's, like, half sushi. She must've had sex with a blowhole or something.
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Jennifer Check
You're lime green jello and you can't even admit it to yourself.
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[from trailer]
Needy Lesnicky
I will finish you if I have to.
Jennifer Check
Ok, you can barely finish gym class.
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[Unrated version, first lines]
Needy Lesnicky
[narrating]
Everyday I get letters. I think I get more letters than Santa Clause, Zac Efron and Dr. Phil combined...
[pause]
Needy Lesnicky
I'm kinda the shit!
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Jennifer Check
I am a god!
Needy Lesnicky
Okay.
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Needy Lesnicky
[after killing Chip, Jennifer is back home in her bedroom watching television and doodling on the school yearbook with a red pen; viewers can see that she's actually drawing a circle over a photo of a boy that may be her next intended victim. She turns off her TV and switches off the bedroom light. Needy suddenly bursts through the bedroom window and attacks Jennifer on her bed with a knife. Jennifer catches it and Needy starts grabbing her throat]
Best friends FOREVER, huh? You killed my fucking boyfriend! You goddamned monster, you dumb BITCH!
[Jennifer bites Needy on the arm. Needy reveals her knife]
Needy Lesnicky
Ya know what THIS is for? Huh? It's for cutting BOXES!
Jennifer Check
[Needy tries stabbing Jennifer in the face, Jennifer grabs the knife]
Do you buy ALL your murder weapons at Home Depot? God, you're butch!
Needy Lesnicky
Cross out Jennifer!
[Needy slices a bloody "X" on Jennifer's stomach with the knife]
Jennifer Check
[Jennifer uses her demonic powers to thrust Needy up in mid air; they both grab on each other and fight. Needy eventually grabs Jennifer and pushes herself on top of her. She yanks and breaks off the BFF necklace on Jennifer. Jennifer stares at Needy and falls back on top of her bed; Needy screams and thrusts the knife in her chest. Jennifer grunts and blood gushes out of chest]
My tit...
Needy Lesnicky
No... your heart.
[Jennifer dies]
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[last lines]
Passing Motorist
So, why are you headed east?
Needy Lesnicky
I'm following this rock band.
Passing Motorist
Must be one hell of a group.
Needy Lesnicky
Tonight's gonna be their last show.
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Jennifer Check
Hey, Monistat.
Needy Lesnicky
What's up, Vagisil?
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Needy's Mom
[to Needy]
I dreamed some bad people were trying to nail you to a tree with hammers and big stakes and shit. Just like J.C. But I didn't let 'em get to you, 'cause I'm a hard-assed, Ford-tough mama bear.
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Chip Dove
[while having sex with Needy, she's wimpering, and freaking out]
Am I hurting you?
[a beat. Chip gets a coy look]
Chip Dove
Am I too big?
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Needy Lesnicky
I'm gonna call the cops.
Jennifer Check
Uh, okay... why don't you narc me out? I've got the cops in my back pocket, Needy. I'm fucking a Cadet, remember?
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Jennifer Check
I mean, they did go all "Benihana" on my ass with that knife, and it should've killed me, but for some reason... it didn't.
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Jennifer Check
[Grabs Needy's breasts]
These are like smart bombs, you point them in the right direction and shit gets real.
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Chip Dove
Stop kidnapping my girlfriend!
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[from trailer]
Chip Dove
I can take care of myself. I've been using the Bowflex.
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Jennifer Check
Please don't talk to yourself. It's one of your more freakish Needy behaviors and it makes us both look like total gaylords. Fuck, you need a mani bad. You should find a Chinese chick to buff your situation.
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Jennifer Check
You give me such a wetty.
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Needy Lesnicky
[Narrating at the end of the movie while still in solitary confinement]
I don't even know who Needy Lesnicky is anymore.
[a guard serves her food through the door slot; she sniffs towards it with disgust]
Needy Lesnicky
I'm a different person now. A person who uses curse words and kicks orderlies and sees things that aren't there. A very bad, very damaged person...
[Needy lifts her top sleeve, revealing Jennifer's bite-mark imprinted on her shoulder]
Needy Lesnicky
But sometimes change can be good! For instance, most occult scholars don't know this, but if you're bitten by a demon, and you live, you just might absorb some of the demon's abilities...
[Needy talks to the audience and smirks]
Needy Lesnicky
You might get lucky for once in your miserable life!
[Needy uses her powers to float up in mid-air; she mediates herself carefully while she makes her way to the top glass window to escape. Seconds later, she fiercely kicks open the window and makes her way out of the prison]
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Jennifer Check
I am scrumptious!
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Chip Dove
Who cares about Jennifer, and those douche-bags with their douche-bag haircuts and their man-scara? People just burned to death!
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Camille
[Chip told her to knock it off]
You knock it off, Chip! You're penis cheese!
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Jennifer Check
[Colin got cut by a pair of garden hedges]
Oh! A puncture wound. God, that's *so* emo...
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Chip's Mom
Did you hear what Colin Gray looked like when they found him?
Chip Dove
Lasagna with teeth?
Chip's Mom
You heard.
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Nutritionist
Just one Toast 'Em, huh?
Needy Lesnicky
I like Toast 'Ems.
Nutritionist
That's good. But I'm not sure a Toast 'Em can provide you with sufficient energy for your day. I'd recommend more complex carbohydrates...
[Needy kicks the nutritionist so hard, it sends her flying across several tables before hitting the floor]
Needy Lesnicky
I recommend that you shut the fuck up!
[spits on her as the nutritionist spits a bloody tooth onto the floor]
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Nikolai Wolf
Good evening, Devil's Lake!
Man at Melody Lane
Devil's Kettle!
Nikolai Wolf
Fuckin' A, right it is!
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Jennifer Check
[Trying to let the guys from Low Shoulder let her go]
Yes. Yes, I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin. I've never even done sex. I don't even know how. So, you guys should find somebody. Who does. Know how.
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Jennifer Check
[Needy and Chip come downstairs from her bedroom]
Hey, Chip. It smells like Thai food in here...
[pause]
Jennifer Check
Have you guys been fucking?
Needy Lesnicky
Ugh, you're gross!
[Needy and Jennifer playfully shove each other]
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Chip Dove
I think you might want to talk to the school shrink. I mean, I'm not saying that to be a dill-hole, but...
Needy Lesnicky
Chip, I don't tell whoppers, and I'm not crazy.
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Needy Lesnicky
It's 'freak-tarded'.
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[Throws him around some more]
Jennifer Check
I need you hopeless.
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Chip Dove
[Needy is changing]
Those jeans are hella low. I can almost see your front butt.
Needy Lesnicky
It's a rock show. This is my rock look.
Chip Dove
Well, I can see, like, your womb, so...
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Needy Lesnicky
I hate this fucking song.
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Needy Lesnicky
What the FUCK is happening!
Jennifer Check
Whoa, Needy. I never heard you drop the f-bomb before.
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Jennifer Check
Boo! Cross out Needy!
[Makes a cross in front of Needy with her hands]
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Chip Dove
Needy, I care about you. As a person, not just some girl I made love to for four minutes the other night, and I'm scared of what's happening to you.
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Nikolai Wolf
Let's go to the van.
Jennifer Check
I wanna go to your really cool van. Needy, let's go see his van.
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Needy Lesnicky
Hey, that's the band.
Jennifer Check
Mmm. You can totally tell they're from the city.
Roman Duda
Yeah, 'cause they're wearing eyeliner. They look like a bunch of faygos.
Jennifer Check
Well, you wouldn't think that, Roman, because you're a small-time Gomer. I wish we had more guys like that in Devil's Kettle. All stylish and shit.
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Needy Lesnicky
I've been through the Occult section of the library five times.
Chip Dove
Our library has an Occult section?
Needy Lesnicky
Yeah, it's um, it's really small.
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Chip Dove
[about to die, apologizing to Needy]
And you look really hot in that dress.
[which it obviously isn't]
Needy Lesnicky
You're delirious.
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Chip's Mom
Camille! Sit like a lady, no one wants to see your kiki.
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Jennifer Check
Where-where are we going?
Nikolai Wolf
You don't have to talk if you don't want to.
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Nikolai Wolf
Listen, it's uh, really dangerous out here. Do you wanna head someplace safer, like my van?
Needy Lesnicky
What?
Nikolai Wolf
I'm in survival mode right now, and I want us to get to a familiar place, and right now, I feel like that's my van.
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[from trailer]
Nikolai Wolf
I think it's important to reach out to our fans in the shitty areas, too.
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Jennifer Check
[sighs]
Move on, dot org, Needy, it's over. Life is too short to be moping around about some white-trash pig roast.
Needy Lesnicky
That's sweet, Jen.
Jennifer Check
You know, I tell it like it is. And besides, you know what? You should be happy for me, because I am having the best day since, like, Jesus invented the calendar.
Needy Lesnicky
Jesus didn't invent the calendar.
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Jennifer Check
Nice hardware, Ace.
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Needy Lesnicky
People died, Jennifer. It's, like, all over the news. National news.
Jennifer Check
Anybody that we know?
Needy Lesnicky
We know everyone.
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Jennifer Check
Needy and Colin were intimate. And by that, I mean they were porking on a semi-regular basis.
Chip Dove
I don't know...
[shakes his head]
Jennifer Check
She and Colin were doing things that you have never even heard of. Okay? Total varsity moves.
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