Barbie Movie Quotes
Gloria
It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong. You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault. I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don't even know.
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Gloria
What? You're so pretty!
Barbie
I'm not stereotypical Barbie pretty!
Narrator
Note to the filmmakers: Margot Robbie is the wrong person to cast if you want to make this point.
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Ken
To be honest, when I found out the patriarchy wasn't just about horses, I lost interest.
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Ken
I thought I might stay over tonight.
Barbie
Why?
Ken
Because we're girfriend and boyfriend.
Barbie
To do what?
[pause]
Ken
I'm actually not sure.
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Ruth
Humans have only one ending. Ideas live for ever.
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Allan
Allans have been in the real word before, no one's noticed! NSYNC? They're all Allans! Even that one!
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Ken
I'm just Ken and I'm enough / And I'm great at doing stuff.
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Ken
Hi, Barbie!
Barbie
Hi, Ken!
Barbie
Hi, Barbie!
Barbie
Hi, Barbie!
Barbie
Hi, Barbie!
Barbie
Hi, Barbie!
Barbie
Hi, Barbie!
Ken
Hi, Barbie!
Barbie
Hi, Ken!
Ken
Hi, Ken.
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Barbie
I do not have a vagina and he does not have a penis. We have no genitals.
Ken
I have *all* the genitals!
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Ruth
We mothers stand still so our daughters can look back and see how far they've come
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Aaron Dinkins
I'm a man with no power, does that make me a woman?
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[as Barbie leaves Barbie Land, she finds Ken in her car]
Barbie
What are you doing here?
Ken
I'm coming with you!
Barbie
Did you bring your rollerblades?
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[last lines]
Barbie
Hi.
Doctor Receptionist
Name?
Barbie
Oh, um... Handler, Barbara.
Doctor Receptionist
And what are you here for today, Barbara?
Barbie
I'm here to see my gynecologist!
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Ken
Is it just me or did these mojo dojo casa houses just get a whole lot dreamier?
Barbie
That's because they're Dreamhouses, motherf-
[last syllable is bleeped out and mouth is covered by the Mattel logo]
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Ken
Does the label "long-term long-distance low-commitment casual girlfriend" mean nothing to her?
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The Woman on the Bench
[confidently]
I know it!
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Mattel CEO
I am the son of a mother, and the nephew of a female aunt. Some of my best friends... are Jewish!
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Narrator
[from trailer]
Since the beginning of time, since the first little girl ever existed, there have been dolls. But the dolls were always and forever baby dolls, until...
[a large figurine is seen by the young, primitive-like girls; she is revealed to be Barbie in her iconic, one-piece, black-and-white swimsuit]
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Sasha
Men hate women and women hate women. It's the one thing we can all agree on.
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Doctor
No, I won't let you do just one appendectomy.
Ken
But I'm a man.
Doctor
But not a doctor.
Ken
Can I talk to a doctor?
Doctor
You are talking to a doctor.
Ken
I need a clicky pen.
Doctor
No.
Ken
A sharpy thing?
Doctor
No.
Doctor
Somebody get security.
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Allan
Hi, Barbie!
Barbie
Oh, hi, Allan!
Narrator
There are no multiples of Allan. He's just Allan.
Allan
Yeah, I'm... confused about that.
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Sasha
You're a fascist!
Barbie
How can I be a fascist?
[through tears]
Barbie
I don't control the railways or the flow of commerce...
[cries]
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Barbie
It's like I've been in a dream where I was really invested in the Zack Snyder cut of 'Justice League'.
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Ken
You guys aren't doing patriarchy very well.
Corporate Man
We're actually doing patriarchy very well
[lowers voice]
Corporate Man
... we're just better at hiding it.
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Barbie
Come in to my Weird House! Hi, I'm Weird Barbie, I am in the splits, I have a funky haircut and I smell like basement.
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Barbie
I've never seen 'The Godfather'...
Ken
Oh my God! You've never seen 'The Godfather'? This movie is a rich blend of genius and a triumph that Robert Evans...
Barbie
Can you start the movie over and just talk the whole time?
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Sasha
There are Kens, too?
Barbie
There are many Kens.
Sasha
Where do all the Kens live?
Barbie
I don't know.
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Narrator
Barbie has a great day every day. Ken only has a great day if Barbie looks at him.
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Ruth
I was arrested for tax evasion, but that's another movie.
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Barbie
Oh! I would never wear heels if my feet were shaped this way!
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Barbie
You can be brainwashed, or you can be ugly. There's nothing in between.
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Ken
I'll play the guitar at you.
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Ken
[singing]
I'm just Ken, anywhere else I'd be a ten! Is it my destiny to live and die a life of blonde fragility?
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Gloria
You don't have your license.
Sasha
This car has no engine!
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Barbie
Kenland contains the seeds of its own destruction.
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Gloria
[showing her drawings]
This is Irrepressible-Thoughts-of-Death Barbie... this is Cellulite-All-Over-The-Body Barbie
[flipping over the page of her sketchbook]
Gloria
... and this is Crippling-Shame Barbie...
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Ken
I just don't know who I am without you.
Barbie
You're Ken.
Ken
But it's Barbie and Ken. There's no just Ken. That's why I was created. I only exist within the warmth of your gaze. Without it, I'm just a little blond guy who can't do flips.
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Barbie
I'd love to see what kind of nude blob he's packing under those jeans.
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Mattel CEO
Women are at the foundation of this company! There was a female CEO in the 90s and then another one... at some point. So that's two right there!
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Gloria
[watching as Barbie slowly rolls face-down on the ground]
She's not dying, she's just having an existential crisis.
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Ken
Do you want to be my bride wife, or my long term long distance low commitment casual girlfriend?
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Ken
I'll see you on the Malibu Beach!
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[Puts on a second pair of sunglasses]
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Sasha
Hell yeah, White Saviour Barbie!
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Barbie
I'm sensing some kind of entendre here... and it appears to be double.
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Mattel Executive #1
Is BarbieLand an alternate world where everything is doll-sized or are Barbies our size?
Mattel CEO
Mattel CEO, Aaron Dinkins, Mattel Executive #2, Young Mattel Executive, An Even Younger Mattel Employee: Yes.
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Narrator
Thanks to Barbie, all problems of feminism have been solved!
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Ken
What if there's beach? You'll need a professional in that.
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Mattel CEO
No one rests until this doll is back in a box!
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[Looks up at Barbie who nods encouragingly]
Ken
Ken... is me.
[Stands boldy, shouting defiantly]
Ken
Ken is me!
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Ken
And the Nobel Prize for horses goes to Ken!
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Barbie
What would a Smart Barbie do?
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Allan
I am never going to get out of here!
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Mattel CEO
E-O-D... that stands for "End Of Day."
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Barbie
This makes me emotional, and I'm expressing it. I have no difficulty holding both logic and feeling at the same time. And it does not diminish my powers. It expands them.
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Barbie
By giving voice to the cognitive dissonance required to be a woman under the patriarchy, you robbed it of its power.
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Advertising Voice
Okay, kids, it's time to run out and get the new Depression Barbie. She wears sweatpants all day and night. She spent seven hours today on Instagram, looking at her estranged best friend's engagement photos, while eating a family-size bag of Starbursts. And now her jaw is killing her. And she's going to watch the BBC's Pride and Prejudice for the seventh time until she falls asleep. Anxiety, panic attacks, and OCD sold separately.
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Sasha
Hey, what about Barbie?
Mattel CEO
What do you mean?
Sasha
What's her ending? What does she get?
Mattel CEO
Well, that's easy. She's in love with Ken.
Sasha
That is not her ending.
Barbie
I'm not in love with Ken.
Mattel CEO
What do you want?
Barbie
I don't know. I'm... I'm not really sure where I belong anymore. I don't think I have an ending.
Ruth
That was always the point. I created you so you wouldn't have an ending.
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Barbie
So, being human's not something I need to ask for or even want? I can just... it's something that I just discover I am?
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Ruth
You guys, do you think the lady who invented Barbie looks like Barbie? I'm a five-foot-nothing grandma with a double mastectomy... and tax evasion issues. Nobody looks like Barbie, except, of course, Barbie.
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Mattel CEO
Her ghost keeps an office on the 17th floor.
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Ruth
Being a human can be pretty uncomfortable.
Barbie
I know.
Ruth
Humans make things up like patriarchy and Barbie just to deal with how uncomfortable it is.
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Narrator
Well, the Kens have to start somewhere. And one day, the Kens will have as much power and influence in Barbie Land as women have in the Real World.
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Barbie
So, what'll it be then? You can go back to your regular life and forget any of this ever happened, or you can know the truth about the universe. The choice is now yours.
Barbie
The first one. The high heel.
Barbie
No. We'll do a re-do. You're supposed to want to know.
Barbie
I don't.
Barbie
Mmm. Babe, listen. You have to want to know, okay? Do it again.
Barbie
I'm not Adventure Barbie. I'm Stereotypical Barbie. I'm like the Barbie you think of when someone says, 'Think of a Barbie.' That's me.
Barbie
I'm bummed. You're a bummer. That's a bummer.
Barbie
Okay, I'm ready to forget now.
Barbie
No! You're doing this one! I just gave you a choice so you could feel some sense of control.
Barbie
So there is no option one?
Barbie
No!
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Aaron Dinkins
This happened before.
An Even Younger Mattel Employee
What? When?
Aaron Dinkins
I heard about ten years ago, a woman named Skipper turned up at some family's home in Key West. Asked to babysit the kids. She then tried to take their toddler surfing.
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Ken
I'm a liberated man. I know crying is not weak.
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Gloria
I have an idea.
Mattel CEO
Tell me your secret dream, child.
Gloria
Okay, what about Ordinary Barbie? She's not extraordinary. She's not president of anything, or maybe she is. Maybe she's a mom. Maybe she's not. Because it's okay to... to just want to be a mom, or to wanna be president or a mom who is president. Or not a mom who's also not president. She just has a flattering top, and she wants to get through the day feeling kinda good about herself.
Mattel CEO
That's a terrible idea.
Mattel Executive #1
Yeah, that's going to make money.
Mattel CEO
Oh. Ordinary Barbie. I love it. Fantastic.
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Ken
Barbie! Take your lady fashions with you. Take your Celebrate Disco Bell Bottoms...
Barbie
Oh!
Ken
And your Ice Capades Pretty Practice Suit and Dazzling Show Skirt.
Gloria
These are archival.
Ken
Your Pajama Jam in Amsterdam sets.
Barbie
No!
Ken
And your Pretty Paisley Palazzo Pants!
Barbie
Not the Palazzos!
Ken
And get out!
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Mattel CEO
Shame on you, Executive Number Two. You think I spent my entire life in boardrooms because of a bottom line? No! I got into this business because of little girls and their dreams. In the least creepy way possible. Now, blade faster. Time is running out.
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Barbie
Do you give me permission to become human?
Ruth
You don't need my permission.
Barbie
But you're the creator. You... Don't you control me?
Ruth
I can't control you any more than I can control my own daughter. I named you after her, Barbara. And I always hoped for you like I hoped for her. We mothers stand still so our daughters can look back to see how far they've come.
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Ken
I'll take a high-level, high-paying job with influence, please.
Corporate Man
Okay, you'll need at least an MBA. And a lot of our people have PhDs.
Ken
Isn't being a man enough?
Corporate Man
Actually, right now, it's kind of the opposite.
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Barbie
Geez, you would think a construction site at lunch time would be the perfect place for a little woman power, but this one was so... male.
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Barbie
It is the best day ever. And so is yesterday, and so is tomorrow, and so is the day after tomorrow and even Wednesdays and every day from now until forever.
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Sasha
Or distract them with the old standby. Wearing glasses so they can discover that you're pretty.
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Gloria
You have to find a way to reject men's advances without damaging their egos. Because if you say yes to them, you're a tramp, but if you say no to them, you're a prude.
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Gloria
You have to be their mommies but not remind them of their mommy. Any power you have must be masked under a giggle.
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Gloria
You like my drawings?
Sasha
They're weird and dark and crazy. Everything you pretend not to be.
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Barbie
No, Ken. This is my Dreamhouse. It is my Dreamhouse! It's mine!
Ken
No, this is no longer Barbie's Dreamhouse. This shall henceforth be known as Ken's Mojo Dojo Casa House.
Sasha
You don't have to say dojo and house.
Gloria
And casa...
Ken
But you do because it feels good. Try it.
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Ken
Can I come to your house tonight?
Barbie
Sure. I don't have anything big planned. Just a giant blowout party with all the Barbies and planned choreography and a bespoke song. You should stop by.
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Ken
But what will we fight with? We have no guns.
Ken
Tennis rackets and volleyballs.
Ken
And slap fights.
Ken
And beach offs.
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Gloria
That's Sugar Daddy Ken. And Earring Magic Ken. Mattel discontinued them.
Sasha
Sugar Daddy?
Sugar Daddy Ken
No, no, no, no. I'm not a sugar daddy. This is Sugar, and I'm her daddy.
Earring Magic Ken
And I have an earring. A magic earring.
Gloria
These were actual Kens.
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Narrator
So, Barbie left behind the pastels and plastics of Barbie Land for the pastels and plastics of Los Angeles.
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Barbie
I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do now. I've always been Stereotypical Barbie, and I don't think I'm really good at anything else.
Ruth
You saved Barbie Land from patriarchy.
Barbie
That was very much a group effort.
Ruth
And you helped that mother and daughter connect.
Barbie
They really helped each other.
Ruth
Maybe you're Self-Effacing Barbie?
Barbie
Maybe I'm not Barbie anymore.
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Barbie
What is wrong with them?
Ken
We just explained to them the immaculate, impeccable seamless garment of logic that is patriarchy, and they crumbled.
Gloria
Oh, my God. This is like in the 1500s with the indigenous people and smallpox. They had no defenses against it.
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Barbie
I don't think that things should go back to the way that they were. No Barbie or Ken should be living in the shadows.
Allan
Or Allan.
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Barbie
In our assessment, money is not speech, and corporations have no free speech rights to begin with. So any claim on their part to be exercising a right is just their attempt to turn our democracy into a plutocracy.
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Barbie
I want to be a part of the people that make meaning. Not the thing that's made. I want to do the imagining. I don't wanna be the idea.
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Barbie
I know I'm Stereotypical Barbie and therefore don't form conjectures concerning the causality of adjacent unfolding events, but some things have been happening that might be related. Bad breath this morning, a cold shower, burnt waffle, and falling off my roof.
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Sasha
Okay, Barbie, let's do this. You've been making women feel bad about themselves since you were invented.
Barbie
I think you have that the wrong way around.
Sasha
You represent everything wrong with our culture. Sexualized capitalism, unrealistic physical ideals...
Barbie
No, no, no. You're describing something stereotypical. Barbie is so much more than that.
Sasha
Look at yourself.
Barbie
Well, I am technically Stereotypical Barbie.
Sasha
You set the feminist movement back 50 years. You destroy girls' innate sense of worth and you are killing the planet with your glorification of rampant consumerism.
Barbie
No, I'm supposed to help you and make you happy and powerful.
Sasha
Oh, I am powerful. And until you showed up here and declared yourself Barbie, I hadn't thought about you in years, you fascist!
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Ken
At first I thought the Real World was run by men. And then there was a minute where I thought it was run by horses. But then I realized that horses are just men extenders.
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Sasha
So you're like 'Barbie' Barbie? Like a professional bimbo?
Barbie
No. Barbie's not a bimbo. Barbie is a doctor and a lawyer and a senator and a Nobel Prize winner.
Junior High Friend
You're a Nobel Prize winner?
Barbie
Oh. No, not me, but Barbie is.
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Narrator
When you're playing with Barbies... nobody bothers to walk them down the stairs and out the door, et cetera. You just pick them up and put them where you want them to go. You use your imagination.
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Ken
Out there, I was somebody. And when I walked down the street... people respected me just for who I am. One lady, she even asked me for the time.
Ken
No way!
Ken
Way. And if it weren't for these technicalities like MBAs, medical degrees, and I don't know, swim lessons, I could have ruled that world. But I don't need any of those things here. Here, I'm just a dude. And you know what? That's enough.
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Barbie
Oh, look, a construction site. We need that good feminine energy.
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Dan at the FBI
Two of your dolls have gotten loose.
Aaron Dinkins
Impossible. How do you know?
Dan at the FBI
Don't sass me, Aaron. Couple of blondes, answering to Barbie and Ken. Rollerblading in Santa Monica. We're gonna need Mattel's help landing the eagle. Don't crap the bed, Aaron!
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Barbie
I've gotta talk to somebody in charge. Everything is backwards here. Men look at me like I'm an object. Girls hate me. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, and I keep getting arrested.
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Barbie
So what can I do to repair the rift in the space-time continuum, get my feet back, and that one cellulite gone, and just generally not turn into Weird Barbie?
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Sasha
Distract them by appearing helpless and confused. Kens cannot resist a damsel in distress.
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Narrator
Since the beginning of time, since the first little girl ever existed, there have been dolls. But the dolls were always and forever baby dolls. The girls who played with them could only ever play at being mothers. Which can be fun, at least for a while, anyway. Ask your mother.
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Barbie
You guys ever think about dying?
[needle scratches record]
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Barbie
Good night, Barbies! I'm definitely not thinking about death anymore.
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Mattel CEO
Oh, no. First step is always Rollerblading.
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Ken
What do we do?
Ken
We beach every individual one of them off.
Ken
No. We go to war.
Ken
Against the Barbies?
Ken
No, against the Kens.
Ken
But we are the Kens.
Ken
The other Kens.
Ken
Well, we should probably call them something else so it doesn't get confusing.
Ken
No, because we'll know what we mean.
Ken
But when we're on the battlefield and you say 'Ken at four o'clock,' how will I know if you mean us Kens or the other Kens?
Ken
Because, my dudes, we attack at ten o'clock and take advantage of the morning waves.
Ken
But not so early 'cause we're gonna want to sleep in.
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Barbie
Send me through the portal.
Barbie
Okay. There's actually no portal.
Barbie
Oh.
Barbie
It's a figure of speech. It's actually a sports car to a speedboat, to a rocket ship, to a tandem bike, to a camper van, fun, to a snowmobile, brr, which will take you most of the way to the state of Los Angeles, where you will don neon and Rollerblades, and enter the country of California. Weird, I know. Best if you don't think about it too much.
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Ken
Look, I'm just having some brewski beers at my Mojo Dojo Casa House.
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Ken
Shredding waves is much more dangerous than people realize.
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Sasha
Are you really gonna let Barbie take you and your tween daughter to an imaginary land?
Gloria
Yes, and you wanna know why? Because I never get to do anything.
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Mattel CEO
But thanks to the Barbies, I, too, can now relieve myself of this heavy existential burden while holding on to the very real title of CEO.
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Ken
We were only fighting because we didn't know who we were.
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Barbie
I just have all my money in a savings account.
Ken
That's totally wrong. You need treasury bonds, corporate bonds, CDs.
Barbie
No one has CDs anymore.
Ken
Oh, sweetheart, you are so cute when you're confused. But no, not music. CD stands for Certificate of Deposit.
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Barbie
Oh! Photoshop is so hard! I just don't understand how to use the Select tool.
Ken
Honey, you can only use the Select tool if the layer is highlighted. Let me show you.
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Barbie
I've never wanted anything to change.
Gloria
Oh, honey, that's life. It's all change.
Barbie
That's... That's terrifying. I don't want that. Not my life. No, thank you. Just, no, I don't want this. I'm just gonna sit here and wait and hope that one of the more leadership-oriented Barbies just snaps out of it and does something about this whole mess.
Gloria
I really understand this feeling. It's basically, like, being a human person all the time...
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Barbie
Wow. And now you're making it permanent with a special election to change the Constitution.
Ken
That's right. In just 48 hours, all the Kens will head to the polls and vote to change the Constitution to a government for the Kens, of the Kens, and by the Kens!
Barbie
You can't do this. This is Barbie Land. The Barbies worked hard and they dreamed hard to make it everything that it is. You... You can't just undo it in a day.
Ken
Literally and figuratively, watch me. Now, if you'll excuse me... this is my Mojo Dojo Casa House, it's not Barbie's Mojo Dojo Casa House. Right?
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Ken
Buckle up, babe. Because Barbie Land is now Ken Land. And it's gonna be just like Century City in Los Angeles, because they had it all figured out in Century City. The minute you get out of your car, you're like, 'I can't believe how great this place is!'
Barbie
No, no, no. They don't have it figured out in Century City because we failed them.
Ken
No! You failed me!
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Barbie
Oh, you've done it. You've opened a portal.
Barbie
I didn't open a portal.
Barbie
Someone did. And now, there is a rip in the continuum that is the membrane between Barbie Land and the Real World, and if you wanna be Stereotypical Barbie perfect again, then, baby girl, you gotta go fix it. Or you're gonna keep going funny. Look at your upper thigh.
Barbie
What is that?
Barbie
That's cellulite. That's gonna spread everywhere.
Barbie
What?
Barbie
And then you're gonna start getting sad and mushy and complicated.
Barbie
No!
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Sasha
Thank God they arrested that nutjob. Um, um... that reality-challenged woman.
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Ken
I will beach both of you off at the same time.
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Ken
Anyone who wants to beach him off has to beach me off first.
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Narrator
Midge was Barbie's pregnant friend. Let's not show Midge, actually. She was discontinued by Mattel because a pregnant doll is just too weird.
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Narrator
Because Barbie can be anything, women can be anything.
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Ken
Stephen Malkamus really harnessed the acerbic talk-singing of Lou Reed with post-punk influences such as Wire and The Fall.
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Barbie
You should heal up in no time. Actually, in the time that it took for me to say that sentence, you healed.
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Narrator
All of these women are Barbie, and Barbie is all of these women.
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Ken
The influence that Porsche 356 has had on the motoring world as a whole, it can't be overstated.
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Ken
Why didn't Barbie tell me about patriarchy, which, to my understanding, is where men and horses run everything?
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El Esposo de Gloria
Si se puede.
Gloria
That's a political statement.
Sasha
That's appropriation, Dad.
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Barbie
You play on their egos and their petty jealousies, and you turn them against each other. While they're fighting, we take back Barbie Land.
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Barbie
That's a beautiful song that you're playing. Did you write it?
Ken
Yes. You want to sit here and watch me do it, while I stare uncomfortably into your eyes for four and a half minutes?
Barbie
I would love that.
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Barbie
I'm ready to be your long-term-distance low-commitment casual girlfriend, if you'll still have me.
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Ken
Oh, my God. You've never seen The Godfather? This movie is a rich blend of Coppola's aesthetic genius and a triumph for Robert Evans and the architecture of the '70s studio system.
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Gloria
You can tell him that you've never seen The Godfather. And that you'd love them to explain it to you.
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Sasha
You have to try. Even if... Even if you can't make it perfect, you can make it better.
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Barbie
Why did you wish me to your messed-up world using your complicated human thoughts and feelings?
Gloria
What?
Barbie
Barbie Land was perfect before. I was perfect before.
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Barbie
Anyone need a brewski beer?
Barbie
What are you doing? You're a doctor.
Barbie
I like being a helpful decoration.
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Mattel CEO
They've gone to Barbie Land.
Aaron Dinkins
Oh, no.
Mattel CEO
And she's brought humans there with her. This could mean extremely weird things for our world.
Mattel Executive #1
Like...
Aaron Dinkins
What?
Mattel CEO
Nothing any of our collective imaginations could ever dream up.
Mattel Executive #1
A podcast hosted by two wise trees. Or a choir of 2,000 young fathers.
Mattel CEO
Not even close. We've got to get to Barbie Land. Go! Find some blades now! Just pick a direction and run!
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Sasha
Are you shining with a real Barbie?
Gloria
No! I mean, maybe. Like a little, yes.
Sasha
I don't even know where to start with this wishing-a-Barbie-to-life crap.
Gloria
Oh, Sasha, listen. I'm just a boring mom with a boring job and a daughter who hates me. Can you blame me for wanting to have a little fun?
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Mattel CEO
What I'm trying to say is... Get in the box, you Jezebel! What? I can't say Jezebel now?
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Barbie
Aren't you guys gonna thank me and give me a big hug? For being your favorite toy?
Sasha
We haven't played with Barbie since we were like five years old.
Junior High Friend
Yeah, I hated dolls with hair.
Junior High Friend
I mean, I'd play with Barbie, but it was, like, the last resort.
Junior High Friend
I loved Barbie.
Sasha
Anyways, even then, it was horrible for us.
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Mattel CEO
If this got out that our dolls were coming to Los Angeles from Barbie Land as life-size versions of themselves... roaming the earth... this would be very bad.
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Aaron Dinkins
I'm going all the way up.
Young Mattel Executive
No one goes all the way up.
Aaron Dinkins
I have to.
An Even Younger Mattel Employee
You may never come back.
Aaron Dinkins
I know.
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Barbie
There's the girl and the doll. And never the twain shall cross.
Barbie
The twain is crossing?
Barbie
Yes.
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Doctor
No, I won't let you do just one appendectomy.
Ken
But I'm a man.
Doctor
But not a doctor.
Ken
Please?
Doctor
No.
Ken
Can I talk to a doctor?
Doctor
You are talking to a doctor.
Ken
Can you get me a coffee?
Doctor
No.
Ken
And I need a clicky pen.
Doctor
No.
Doctor
No.
Ken
And a sharp thing.
Doctor
No.
Ken
There he is. Doctor!
Doctor
Somebody get Security.
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Policeman
I love me a leotard.
Policeman
I love the elbow pads.
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Ken
Looks like this beach was a little too much beach for you, Ken.
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Ken
If I wasn't severely injured, I would beach you off right now, Ken.
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Ken
I'll beach off with you any day, Ken.
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Ken
All right, Ken, you're on. Let's beach off.
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Ken
But you don't even know how to beach yourself off. How you gonna beach both of us off?
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Barbie
Takes two to rip a portal.
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Aaron Dinkins
I think you're gonna want to hear this, sir.
Mattel CEO
Can you just e-mail it? And you can send it to me EOD.
[whispering]
Mattel CEO
End of day.
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Barbie
It's okay if you're crying. You know, I cried too. It's actually kind of amazing.
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Barbie
Okay. Ken, you have to figure out who you are without me.
Ken
Why?
Barbie
You're not your girlfriend. You're not your house, you're not your mink.
Ken
Beach?
Barbie
Nope. You're not even beach. Maybe all the things that you thought made you you aren't... really you. Maybe it's Barbie and... it's Ken.
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Mattel CEO
Look, do you know how many times I've wanted to stand up in a board meeting and just say, 'Can we just tickle each other?'
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Barbie
Don't blame me, blame Mattel. They make the rules.
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Mattel CEO
And when you think of sparkle, what do you think of after that? Female agency.
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Junior High Friend
Destroy Barbie.
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Ken
I need to find somewhere where I can start patriarchy fresh.
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Barbie
I like not having to make any decisions. It's like a spa day for my brain. Forever.
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Sasha
You know, I almost feel bad for you, but you are exactly what I thought you were.
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Dan at the FBI
This is Dan of the FBI.
Aaron Dinkins
Oh. This is Aaron at Mattel.
Dan at the FBI
I don't give a flying squirrel who you are, Aaron. What are you, like an intern?
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Ken
What do I do? Do I follow Barbie into that scary unmarked black truck car? A truck car I'd like to have, actually.
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Barbie
Ken? What have you done? What are you wearing?
Ken
Don't question it. Just roll with it, tiny baby.
Barbie
Don't call me baby.
Ken
What about mini-baby? Like this mini-fridge.
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Barbie
Please just leave me here. Just leave me. Go back to your messed-up world and just leave me to mine.
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Ken
Well, you bet both those things incorrectly, and I bet in the opposite direction.
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Ruth
I always knew that Barbie would surprise me, but I never expected this.
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Mattel CEO
Let's have a company retreat and just tickle each other.
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Gloria
You have to make them believe that you're complacent. That they have the power. And when their guard is down, you take the power back.
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Ken
I hate it when people think. I get so bored.
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Barbie
That Ken of yours, he is one nice-looking little protein pot.
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Narrator
Yes, Barbie changed everything. Then, she changed it all again.
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Narrator
Girls can grow into women, who can achieve everything and anything they set their mind to.
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Barbie
Come on, Kens. Nobody's gonna beach anyone off.
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Ken
Every night is girls' night.
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Barbie
And how do I get back?
Barbie
The same way you came, but in reverse.
Barbie
Like I should move forward but do the order backward or go...
Barbie
Don't overthink it.
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Barbie
[talking to Weird Barbie] I'm like you now: ugly and unwanted.
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