Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Movie Quotes
Ace Ventura
If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.
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Ace Ventura
Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
[a shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head]
Ace Ventura
...and a clean pair of shorts.
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Lois Einhorn
Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura
Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.
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Lois Einhorn
Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone.
Ace Ventura
Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.
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Melissa
Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.
Ace Ventura
Pleasure to meet you.
Melissa
Did you have any trouble getting in?
Ace Ventura
No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.
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[Aguado stomps on a cockroach to provoke Ventura]
Aguado
Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?
[everyone laughs]
Ace Ventura
Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK, and became insanely jealous.
[everybody "oohs"]
Ace Ventura
Then I'd lose 30 pounds... porkin' his wife!
Aguado
Why you...!
[Aguado charges Ace, but Ace makes him do a face-plant that ends with his face just an inch or so from the dead bug]
Ace Ventura
Now, kiss and make up.
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[Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching]
Ace Ventura
Holy testicle Tuesday.
Lois Einhorn
What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura
I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
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Melissa
You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.
Ace Ventura
Yeah? And you're ugly.
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Mrs. Finkle
It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
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[repeated line]
Ace Ventura
LOOO-HOOO-ZUH-HER!
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Sexy Woman
[after Ace has returned her dog]
Thank you Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?
Ace Ventura
Well, a reward would be good. There is some damage to my car. It's a high performance machine, so I have to fill it with premium...
[she cuts him off with a deep kiss]
Sexy Woman
Wouldn't you like me to take your pants off instead?
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[coming out of the men's room, all wet with his clothes torn]
Ace Ventura
Do *not* go in there! Pheeww!
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Melissa
That was pretty impressive, what you did at the apartment.
Ace Ventura
You don't have to tell me. I was there.
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Ace Ventura
HDS, sir, and how are you this afternoon? All righty, then. I have a package for you.
Man
Sounds broken.
Ace Ventura
Most likely, sir. I'll bet it was something nice, though.
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Melissa
Ace, get out of the tank.
Ace Ventura
[talking like Scotty from Star Trek]
I just can't do it, Captain. I don't have the power.
Melissa
I said, get out of the tank now!
Ace Ventura
For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man!
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Dan Marino
Hey Ace?
Ace Ventura
Yeah, Dan?
Dan Marino
You got anymore of that gum?
Ace Ventura
That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.
Dan Marino
You're a weird guy, Ace. A weird guy.
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[Ace is standing in front of Lois who's in her underwear]
Ace Ventura
My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have *ever* seen!
[turns Lois around to reveal a bulge in her nether regions]
Ace Ventura
*That's* why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winkie!
[all the men in the vicinity start throwing up because Einhorn has kissed them]
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Ace Ventura
[as Captain Kirk]
Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER.
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Ace Ventura
[with a German accent]
How can I be getting zis vork done wit all de shouting? Control de shouting?
Reporter #1
Who's That?
Ace Ventura
Heinz Getwellvet. I am trainer of dolphins. You want to talk to de dolphin, you talk to me.
Reporter #1
What happened to the *regular* trainer?
Ace Ventura
Vat happened to him? Vat happened to me? Seven years I am wit Siegfried.
[he holds up only four fingers]
Ace Ventura
Ve are making de dolphins disappear, und den Roy is coming wit de vite tiger und ze shtuffing in de pants und den I'm gone.
Reporter #2
[skeptically]
Where is Snowflake?
Ace Ventura
Why do you care about Snowflake? Do you know him? Does he call you at home?
[shouts]
Ace Ventura
Do you have a dorsal fin? To train ze dolphin you must zink like ze dolphin! You must be getting inside ze dolphin's head. I am saying to Snowflake, "Akay!... Akay Akay Akay?" und he is saying "AKay Akay!" und he is up on ze tail "Eeeeeeeeee!" und you can quote him!
[Ace spits]
Roger Podacter
Alright, it's almost time for Coach Shula's press confrence, uh, lets let Heinz do his work?
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Mr. Finkle
What do you know about Ray Finkle?
[Ace sucks in a huge breath of air]
Ace Ventura
Soccer style kicker graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," the first and only pro-athlete ever to come out of Collier County and one hell of a model American.
Mr. Finkle
Are you another one of those "Hard Copy" guys?
Ace Ventura
No sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir.
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Melissa
[in her office, she is showing Ace a video of the halftime routine performed by their missing mascot, Snowflake. She sees Ace chewing on either birdseeds or sunflower seeds, and spreading the leftovers in a neat pile on her desk]
Would you like an ashtray?
Ace Ventura
Hmm-mmm. I don't smoke. It's a disgusting habit.
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Lois Einhorn
We'll find the porpoise.
Ace Ventura
[to Lt. Einhorn]
Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.
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Ace Ventura
[has been trying to figure out a connection between Lt. Lois Einhorn and football player Ray Finkle, when he sees his dog's fur overlapping Finkle's hair in a photo]
What the... That's it! Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a man!
[Ace remembers how Einhorn kissed him and the pieces fall into place]
Ace Ventura
Oh, my GOD! Einhorn is a man!
[Ace heads to the bathroom to throw up]
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[Ace Ventura is trying to get his car started, while looking at somebody smashing it with a bat in his mirror]
Ace Ventura
Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear.
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Melissa
I swear if you do anything to embarrass me in front of Camp...
Ace Ventura
What? Like this?
[makes weird noises, doorman answers the door]
Ace Ventura
Aye, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir!
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Ace Ventura
This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh? Huh? Huh?
[mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist movie]
Ace Ventura
I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear.
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Mr. Shickadance
Ventuuurrraaa.
Ace Ventura
Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.
Mr. Shickadance
Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura...
[coughs in Ace's face]
Mr. Shickadance
... you owe me rent.
Ace Ventura
Mr. Shickadance, I told you, you're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out. Look at that.
[shows him a flyer]
Ace Ventura
That's a true Albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid.
Mr. Shickadance
I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard 'em again this mornin' scratchin' around.
Ace Ventura
I never bring my work home with me, sir.
Mr. Shickadance
Oh yeah? What's all this pet food for?
Ace Ventura
Fiber.
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Ace Ventura
[bending over and talking from his behind]
Excuse me. I'd like to "ass" you a few questions.
Emilio
This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn come down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.
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Ace Ventura
I'm ready to go in, coach, just give me a chance. I know there's a lot of riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind.
[Gestures and makes sounds of a slow-motion picture and stops]
Ace Ventura
Let's see that in an instant replay.
[Does a reverse playback sound and gesture]
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Lois Einhorn
[after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers]
Shoot him! Shoot him!
Emilio
[offscreen]
Hold your fire!
[walks in with Melissa, gun to his head]
Emilio
Don't shoot!
Melissa
Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!
[cocks revolver]
Emilio
She's not joking!
Lois Einhorn
[ignoring them]
He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was just about to kill Dan Marino and me!
Ace Ventura
Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up professional football's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.
[takes deep breath]
Ace Ventura
What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top of a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed the entire thing!
[takes another deep, relief breath]
Aguado
What the hell are you talking about?
Ace Ventura
SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man.
Lois Einhorn
He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!
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Melissa
You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura
If it gets cold enough.
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Ronald Camp
Who is he, a friend?
Melissa
No, this is my date. He's a lawyer.
Ronald Camp
Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer?"
Melissa
No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace.
Ace Ventura
Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you, Sir, and may I congratulate you on all your success... you smell TERRIFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
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Riddle
[angry]
How in the hell do you lose a five hundred pound fish?
[Melissa wants to say something]
Riddle
What?
Melissa
I'm sorry sir, I was just going to say, that it's not a fish, it's a mammal.
Riddle
[refusing to accept this correction]
Thank you, Miss Jacques Cousteau.
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Ace Ventura
That's a lovely dog you have there Sir. Mind if I pet him?
Man
I don't give a rat's ass.
Ace Ventura
Alllrighty then.
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Lois Einhorn
What would you know about pressure?
Ace Ventura
Well, I have kissed a man.
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[last lines]
Announcer
The National Football League would like to extend a special thank-you to the man who rescued Dan Marino, and our beloved Snowflake...
[a shot of Ace appears on the giant screen, beating the crap out of the mascot in the bird suit]
Announcer
...a great humanitarian, and lover of all animals, Mr. Ace Ventura!
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Ace Ventura
I have to have money to buy food. I have to have a dolphin to get the money. I don't see a dolphin around here, do you?
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Ace Ventura
Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the bathroom.
[whispering loudly]
Ace Ventura
I think it's the pâté.
Ronald Camp
Sure, right over there.
Ace Ventura
Thanks! Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?
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[Ventura knocks on the door]
Woodstock
What's the password?
Ace Ventura
New England clam chowder.
Woodstock
Is that the red or the white?
Ace Ventura
Ah, I can never remember that. White.
[door opens]
Ace Ventura
Yes.
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Melissa
Ace, Where are you?
Ace Ventura
I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor.
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Melissa
Have you ever heard of FAN?
Ace Ventura
Free Animals Now. Started in 1982, by Chelsea Gamble, daughter of the famous industrialist Fisher Gamble. Over half a million members from Florida to Finland. No. Who are they?
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[he shakes his keys acting like they're stuck. The door opens. Ace enters]
Ace Ventura
Go ahead. Snoop around!
[Mr. Shickadance enters, looks around and sniffs]
Ace Ventura
Well? Are you satisfied?
Mr. Shickadance
Just don't let me catch you with an animal here, that's all.
Ace Ventura
All right! Take care now! Bye-bye, then!
[slams door in front of Mr. Shickadance's face]
Ace Ventura
L-oser!
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[Ace Ventura just got his car started]
Ace Ventura
It's ALIVE. IT'S ALIVE.
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[Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head]
Ace Ventura
[begging]
Don't kill me. Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear. He's the one you want, kill him!
Dan Marino
No, no kill him.
Ace Ventura
No kill him. He held the ball, remember? Come on, look at the guy.
[Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air]
Dan Marino
Cry-baby.
Ace Ventura
Jock.
Dan Marino
Whimp.
Ace Ventura
Muscle-head.
Lois Einhorn
SHUT UP.
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Ace Ventura
No problem, it gets flooded, we'll just wait a few seconds.
[suddenly the dog thief appears and smashes the windshield with a baseball bat]
Ace Ventura
Or we could try it now.
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Ace Ventura
WOW., Ray Finkle's house, I can't wait to meet him
Mr. Finkle
Ray ain't coming home
Ace Ventura
But your wife said you expect him home any minute
Mr. Finkle
She expects him home any minute, see the engine's running but there's nobody behind the wheel. Eight years ago our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental Hospital in Tampa, and they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.
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Lois Einhorn
And somebody get me some coffee!
Ace Ventura
Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss some coffee.
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[mimicking Sean Connery]
Ace Ventura
Lovely party. Pity I wasn't invited.
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[Melissa is pretending to be Ace's sister to check him into a mental hospital]
Doctor
Has he always had a history of mental illness?
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Lois Einhorn
You've done some fine detective work... 'Ace'.
Ace Ventura
I'm sorry. Could you please speak in to my good ear? I thought I heard you call me Ace.
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Ace Ventura
Once you get inside my head, there's no turning back baby.
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[Melissa and Ace are reading news clippings about Ray Finkle]
Melissa
"Replacement Kicker Having a Great Year." "Ready For Super Bowl, All-Star Kicker Boasts."
Ace Ventura
"Field Goal Sails Wide. Dolphins Lose Super Bowl."
Melissa
The "Kick Heard Round The World." That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.
[Ace lets out an impressed whistle. Melissa flips to the next clipping, with a headline that reads "Finkle Contract Not Renewed."]
Melissa
Poor guy.
Ace Ventura
Poor guy with a motive, baby.
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Ace Ventura
Come to me jungle friends.
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[Ace sings in a falsetto voice]
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Ace Ventura
Finkle and Einhorn, Finkle and Einhorn, Finkle and Einhorn, Finkle and Einhorn, Finkle and Einhorn, Finkle and Einhorn, Finkle, Einhorn, Einhorn, Finkle, Einhoen and Finkle, Finkle and Einhorn.
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Ace Ventura
Holy shitballs.
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Ace Ventura
You're certain you had to open this door.
Aguado
Yeah, I'm certain.
Lois Einhorn
What's the point, Ventura?
Ace Ventura
Only this.
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[repeated line]
Ace Ventura
Loo-oo-ser!
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Lois Einhorn
DIE ANIMAL BOY!
Ace Ventura
Quick Decision
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Ace Ventura
That was a close one ladies and gentleman. Unfortunately in every contest, there must be a loser. Loo-hoo-ser-her.
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Ace Ventura
Gee, Chuck, the date started out good. Just before we got to the party she seemed to tense up.
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Aguado
Uh oh, I think I heard a toilet flush. Maybe somebody lost a turtle.
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Ace Ventura
351, 351, Rover sit. Hut! Hut!
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Ace Ventura
Hmmm, unconscious. Exactly as I planned.
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Ace Ventura
Oh, by the way, I went ahead and solved that pesky, Snowflake/Podacter/Marino thing.
Ace Ventura
Yeah, ever hear of a former Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle?
Lois Einhorn
[the water shuts off. Einhorn appears around the corner]
Alright, Ventura. Make it quick.
Ace Ventura
I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It belongs to a Dolphin '84 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking paranoid, delusional psychosis. I saw the guy's room... Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lector.
Lois Einhorn
So how does Roger Podacter fit in?
Ace Ventura
My guess is Finkle was snooping around. Podacter recognized him. End of story. As for Snowflake... they gave him Finkle's number, and taught him how to kick a field goal. Finkle took it personally.
[Einhorn listens with great interest]
Lois Einhorn
So where is Finkle, now?
Ace Ventura
Busted out of a mental institute. Did a Claude Raines. He's been plotting his revenge for years, waiting for the perfect time to get back at the Dolphins. The time it would hurt them the most. Super Bowl time! Man, I'm tired of being right!
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[Ace Ventura, bending over and talking from his behind]
Ace Ventura
Do you have a mint? Perhaps some Binaca?
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Riddle
I don't give a good goddamn about that fish. Fillet it and fast food it if'ya want'to. All I give a damn about's winning the Super Bowl. My athletes have got to have their heads in the right place. Shit, Roger, you been in this business a long time. You know how superstitious these players are.
[Roger hides his rabbit foot key chain]
Riddle
I've got a quarterback who puts his socks on backwards. Has since high school. I've got a line backer who has not washed his jockey strap in two years because he thinks flies are lucky.
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Ace Ventura
Obsess much?
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Melissa
You know what? I'm not even going to talk to you. Would you please leave.
Ace Ventura
Why? So you can beat him?
[talking about Melissa's dog]
Ace Ventura
Fatty.
Melissa
You're unbelievable. Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.
Ace Ventura
Well, why don't you cry about it. Saddlebags.
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[repeated line]
Ace Ventura
All righty then!
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Ace Ventura
Snowflake. Here Snowflake. I've got a little snack for you.
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Ace Ventura
Yummy!
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Ace Ventura
Good night, everybody. You've been a wonderful audience, I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.
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Emilio
Something ain't stirring the Kool-aid, man.
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Melissa
Yes, they certainly are.
Ronald Camp
No matter what's going on in my life, I can always watch them swim and be totally at peace.
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[first lines]
Ace Ventura
Heads up! Good defense! Good defense!
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Ronald Camp
I'm very sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.
Ace Ventura
Be sure that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed.
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Lois Einhorn
What's the matter, Dan? Aren't you having fun? I just love Super Bowl Sunday! Don't you, Dan? A magical afternoon... where dreams are made... and crushed!
Dan Marino
Look, lady, if you want tickets, you're going about it the wrong way!
Lois Einhorn
Do I look familiar to you, Dan? Does it seem as if we've met someplace before?
Dan Marino
I-I don't know. I get hit in the head a lot.
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Ace Ventura
'Scuse me, HDS! HDS coming through. Got a package, people!
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Ace Ventura
Where's Dan Marino?
Melissa
Marino, why?
Ace Ventura
Because he's about to join Snowflake. I've got to know where he is.
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Dan Marino
Hi, I'm Dan Marino and if anyone knows the value of protection it's me.
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Ace Ventura
Excuse me, gentleman. Pet Detective. Come on, what's the matter with you? Can't you hit me?
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[repeated line]
Ace Ventura
Your gun is digging into my hip.
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Aguado
Hey Ventura, Ventura. Make any good collars lately, or were they leashes.
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Ace Ventura
Receipts, what about receipts? There's gotta be receipts.
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Ace Ventura
Half time!
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Lois Einhorn
I need some refreshments, Dan. Would you like some refreshments, Dan? I'll be right back, Dan.
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Ace Ventura
Be careful with that phone, Lieutenant. In time you could develop a tumour.
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Ace Ventura
Gee, let me think. Um sure.
[sound of zipper]
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Melissa
Why did it have to happen now, two weeks before the Superbowl?
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Dan Marino
Who are you?
Ace Ventura
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. I've been sent in with a special play. Quarter back sneak
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Thug
Where the hell's the smelt?
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Lois Einhorn
[42:00] Well, that's a very entertaining story but unfortunately real detectives have to worry about that little thing called "evidence"
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Riddle
Find the fish, or find new jobs!
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