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Kinoafisha Films Legally Blonde Legally Blonde Movie Quotes

Legally Blonde Movie Quotes

Emmett Did you take Mrs. Windham on a date?

Enrique Salvatore Yes.

Emmett Where?

Enrique Salvatore A restaurant in Concord, where no one could recognize us.

Emmett How long have you been sleeping with Mrs. Windham?

Enrique Salvatore Three months.

Emmett And your boyfriend's name is...

Enrique Salvatore Chuck.

Emmett Right.

[Everyone gasps/laughs]

Enrique Salvatore Pardon me, pardon me. I thought you said friend; Chuck is just a friend.

Chuck YOU BITCH!

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Warner Huntington III You got into Harvard Law?

Elle What? Like it's hard?

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Elle I just don't think that Brooke could've done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.

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Vivian Nice outfit.

Elle Oh, I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.

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Elle I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life.

[a wolf-whistle gets directed at her]

Elle I object!

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Elle Ms. Windham, what had you done earlier that day?

Chutney Windham I got up, got a latte, went to the gym, got a perm, and came home.

Elle [Elle suddenly gets a brainstorm and looks up] Where you got in the shower?

The Honorable Marina R. Bickford I believe the witness has made it clear that she was in the shower.

[courtroom audience laughs]

Elle Yes, your Honor. Ms. Windham, had you ever gotten a perm before?

Chutney Windham Yes.

Elle How many, would you say?

Chutney Windham Two a year since I was 12. You do the math.

Elle [nods, smiles knowingly] You know, a girl in my sorority, Tracy Marcinco, got a perm once. We all tried to talk her out of it. Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure. But thankfully, that same day, she entered the Beta Delta Pi wet t-shirt contest, where she was completely hosed down from head to toe...

DA Joyce Rafferty Objection, why is this relevant?

Elle Oh, I have a point, I promise.

The Honorable Marina R. Bickford Then make it.

Elle Yes, ma'am. Chutney, why is it Tracy Marcinco's curls were ruined when she got hosed down?

Chutney Windham Because they got wet.

Elle Exactly. Because isn't the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the ammonium thioglycolate?

Chutney Windham [nervous] Uh... y-yes.

Elle [as Elle speaks, Chutney's composure gradually begins to break. DA Joyce looks worried then horrified] And wouldn't somebody who's had, say, thirty perms before in their life be well aware of this rule? And if, in fact, you weren't washing your hair, as I suspect you weren't because your curls are still intact, wouldn't you have heard the gunshot? And if, in fact, you had heard the gunshot, Brooke Windham wouldn't have had time to hide the gun before you got downstairs. Which would mean that you would have had to found Mrs. Windham with a gun in her hand to make your story plausible, isn't that right?

Chutney Windham [desperate] She's my age! Did she tell you that? How would you feel if your father married someone who was your age?

Elle You, however, had time to hide the gun, didn't you, Chutney? After you shot your father.

Chutney Windham [in tears] I didn't mean to shoot him!

[points at Brooke]

Chutney Windham I thought it was YOU walking through the door!

[Everyone in the courtroom gasps. DA Joyce Raffery gasps. Chutney is humiliated. Brooke is both horrified and proud. Elle is stunned.]

The Honorable Marina R. Bickford [to the courtroom] Order! Order! Order!

Elle [surprised] Oh My God!

Brooke [proud of Elle] Oh My God!

The Honorable Marina R. Bickford [stunned] Oh My God.

[Emmett shakes his head, blown away and proud of Elle]

The Honorable Marina R. Bickford Bailiff, take the witness into custody, where she will be charged for the murder of Heyworth Windham. In the matter of The State vs. Brooke Windham, this case is dismissed.

[to Brooke]

The Honorable Marina R. Bickford Mrs. Windham, you are free to go.

Brooke [happily] Thank you!

[Brooke and Elle hug as the courtroom celebrates]

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Enrique Salvatore Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.

Elle These aren't last season!

[looks down, gasps, runs back into court room]

Elle He's gay! Enrique is gay!

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Professor Stromwell If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were.

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Emmett I can't believe you just called me a butthead. I don't think anybody has called me a butthead since the 9th grade.

Elle Maybe not to your face.

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Elle For that matter, any masturbatory emissions, where the sperm is clearly not seeking an egg, could be termed reckless abandonment.

Professor Callahan You've just won your case.

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[Elle sees David the geek trying unsuccessfully to get a date with two lovely girls, who mock him, and decides to help by making the girls think she dated David]

Elle Excuse me.

[Elle turns around and slaps David]

Elle Why didn't you call me? We spent a beautiful night together and I haven't heard from you since.

David [pause] I'm sorry?

Elle Sorry for what? For breaking my heart, or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and just taking it away?

David Both?

Elle Well, forget it. I've spent too much time crying over you.

[Elle walks away, and the girls change their mind about him]

Girl So, when did you wanna go out?

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Professor Callahan Do you think she woke up one morning and said "I think I'll go to law school today"?

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Elle [after Warner asks her out after the trial] But if I'm going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead.

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Elle Did you see him? He's probably still scratching his head.

Paulette Yeah, which must be a nice vacation for his balls.

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Elle [on video essay] ... and that's why you should vote for me. Elle Woods: future lawyer for the class of 2004.

Admissions Guy She does have a 4.0 from CULA and she got a 179 on LSATs.

Head of Admissions Fashion major?

Admissions Guy Well sir we've never had one before and aren't we always looking for diversity?

Admissions Guy Her list of extra-curricular activities is impressive.

Head of Admissions She was in a Ricky Martin video.

Admissions Guy Clearly, she's interested in music.

Head of Admissions She also designed a line of faux-fur panties for her sorority's charity project.

Admissions Guy Uh huh, she's a friend to the animals as well as a philanthropist.

Head of Admissions Elle Woods.

[pause]

Head of Admissions Welcome to Harvard.

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Elle's Mother Honey, you were First Runner-Up at the "Miss Hawaiian Tropics" contest. Why are you going to throw that all away?

Elle Going to Harvard is the only way I'm going to get the love of my life back.

Elle's Father Oh, sweetheart, you don't need law school. Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious. And you, button, are none of those things.

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Elle Oh Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal?

Warner Huntington III Uhh, ye... no?

Elle Well this is so much better than that! Excuse me, I have some shopping to do.

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Margot Here, you're gonna need this.

Elle Your scrunchie?

Margot My LUCKY scrunchie. It helped me pass Spanish.

Serena You passed Spanish because you gave Professor Montoya a lap dance after the final.

Margot Yeah... Luckily!

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Paulette Is she as pretty as you?

Elle She could use some mascara and some serious highlights, but she's not completely unfortunate looking.

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Elle Hi. I'm Elle Woods and this is Bruiser Woods.

[her dog!]

Elle We're both Gemini vegetarians.

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Paulette [Elle is in tears at the salon after she finds out Warner dumped her for her new rival, Vivian] So what's this Vivian got that you don't have? Three tits?

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Paulette [to her ex-husband] I'm takin' the dog... DUMBASS!

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Elle And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.

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Warner Huntington III Pooh bear, just get in the car.

Elle No.

[starts walking away, sniffling]

Warner Huntington III You're gonna ruin your shoes.

Elle Okay.

[gets in car]

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Elle [wearing a bunny costume and shopping for a laptop computer] Don't ask.

Emmett Wasn't gonna.

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Elle This is what I need to become.

Old Lady at Manicurist What? Practically deformed?

Elle No, a law student.

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Elle Is that low-viscosity rayon? With a half-loop top stitching on the hem?

Boutique Saleswoman Of course. It's one of a kind.

Elle It's impossible to use a half-loop stitching on low-viscosity rayon. It would snag the fabric. And you didn't just get it in - I saw it in the June Vogue a year ago. So if you're trying to sell it to me for full price, you've picked the wrong girl.

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Vivian You know, I'm still shocked that you didn't give Callahan the alibi.

Elle It wasn't my alibi to tell.

Vivian I know, I thought that was very... classy of you.

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Elle You're breaking up with me because I'm too... blonde?

Warner Huntington III Well, no. That's not entirely true...

Elle Then what? My boobs are too big?

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Elle [to Emmett] So, if you don't know an answer they're just gonna kick you out.

Emmett So you have Stromwell, huh?

Elle Yes. Did she do that to you too?

Emmett No, but she did make me cry once... not in class I waited until I got back to my room, but yeah she'll kick you right in the balls, or wherever.

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Elle I don't need back-ups. I'm going to Harvard.

C.U.L.A. Advisor Well then, you'll need excellent recommendations from your professors.

Elle Okay.

C.U.L.A. Advisor And a heck of an admissions essay.

Elle Right.

C.U.L.A. Advisor And at least a 175 on your LSATs.

Elle I once had to judge a tighty-whitey contest for Lambda Kappa Pi. Trust me, I can handle anything.

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Elle The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known.

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Brooke I was getting...

[whispers]

Brooke liposuction.

Elle I'm sorry, what?

Brooke [whispers a little louder] I was getting liposuction.

Elle Huh?

Brooke [shouting] LIPOSUCTION!

Elle [gasps loudly]

Brooke OH GOD!

Elle [low voice] NO...

Brooke I know! I'm a fraud! It's not like normal women can have this ass! If my fans knew that I bought it, I would lose everything!

[sadly]

Brooke I've already lost my husband.

[bitterly]

Brooke I'd rather go to jail than lose my reputation.

Elle [understanding] Brooke, your secret's safe with me.

Brooke [tearfully, yet thankfully] Thank you.

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Elle Because I'm not a Vanderbilt, suddenly I'm white trash? I grew up in Bel Air, Warner. Across the street from Aaron Spelling. I think most people would agree that's a lot better than some stinky old Vanderbilt.

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Brooke Are you one of my lawyers?

Elle Sort of.

Brooke Well thank God one of you has a brain.

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Professor Callahan Smell this.

Emmett What is it?

Professor Callahan Her resume.

Emmett [sniffs the pink paper] Smells good.

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Elle Bend and snap.

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[Elle is presiding at her sorority meeting]

Elle It has come to my attention that the maintenance staff is switching our toilet paper from Charmin... to generic. All those opposed to chafing, please say "Aye".

Entire Sorority Group Aye.

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Paulette So what's a girl to do? He's a guy who followed his pecker to greener pastures. I'm a middle aged, high school drop out with stretch marks and a fat ass.

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Warner Huntington III Excuse me, I'm sorry... are you here to see me?

Elle No, silly. I go here!

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Elle I promised her, and I can't break the bonds of sisterhood.

Professor Callahan Screw sisterhood! This is a murder investigation! Not some scandal at the sorority house!

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Serena Oh look, there's Elle! Elle, we came to see your trial and look! There's like a judge and everything... and jury people.

Margot VOTE FOR ELLE!

The Honorable Marina R. Bickford Ladies, take a seat!

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Warner Huntington III Pooh-bear, you're not serious enough...

Elle [firmly] Well, I'm serious about this, Warner.

Warner Huntington III No. I mean, I'm sorry but, you're never going to be smart enough for lessons in law.

[Elle silently, yet suddenly discovers that Warner doesn't respect her and never will respect her]

Elle I'm never going to be good enough for you, am I?

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Warner Huntington III If I want to be a Senator, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn.

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Brooke You know a Delta Nu would never sleep with a man who wears a thong.

Elle Never!

Brooke I just liked to watch him change the filter.

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Elle [from deleted scene] She told me I look like Britney Spears! Why would she say that if she doesn't like me?

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Elle That's great, Paulette. Is that the only interaction you two have ever had?

Paulette No! Sometimes I say "okay" instead of "fine."

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Elle Warner, what kind of shoes are these?

Warner Huntington III Umm... black ones.

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[sees Elle in her Bunny costume]

Warner Huntington III Hey, well, don't you look like a walking felony.

Elle Thanks, you're so sweet.

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Elle I'm reading about the LSATs.

Serena My cousin had that once. Apparently you get a really bad rash on your...

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Elle No more boring suits or pantyhose, I'm trying to be somebody I'm not.

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Warner Huntington III How was your first class?

Elle Oh, it was okay, except for this horrible preppy girl who tried to make me look bad in front of the professor, but no biggie.

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Elle Uh. I'm sorry. I just hallucinated.

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Boutique Saleswoman There's nothing I love better than a dumb blonde with Daddy's plastic.

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Elle All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs.

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Maurice Oh, my God, the bend and snap works every time!

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Elle Here it is!

Professor Callahan It's pink...

Elle Oh! And it's scented! I think it gives it a little something extra, don't you think? Okay, well, see you next class!

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Elle This is gonna be just like senior year, except for funner!

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Professor Stromwell The law is reason free from passion. Does anyone know who spoke those immortal words?

David Aristotle.

Professor Stromwell Are you sure?

David Yes.

Professor Stromwell Would you be willing to stake your life on it?

David I think so.

Professor Stromwell What about his life?

David I don't know.

Professor Stromwell Well, I recommend knowing before speaking. The law leaves much room for interpretation, but very little for self-doubt. And you were right. It was Aristotle.

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Brooke Why would I kill my husband?

Professor Callahan Insurance? A love affair? Pure, unadulterated hatred? Believe me; the D.A. will come up with plenty of reasons.

Brooke I loved him.

Professor Callahan He was 34 years older than you. That doesn't look so good to a jury.

Brooke Then show them a picture of his dick. That should clear a few things up.

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David My name is David Kidney. I have a master's in Russian literature, a PhD in biochemistry, and for the last eighteen months I've been deworming orphans in Somalia.

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Paulette [Paulette gets nervous talking to the UPS man and spills nail solution all over the table] Geez! Could I be any more goddamn spastic?

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Enid The English language is all about subliminal domination. Take the word, semester, okay? This is a perfect example of this school's discriminatory preference of semen to ovaries. That's why I'm petitioning to have next term be referred to as the winter ovester.

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Warner Huntington III [running after her] Elle! Elle!

Elle What?

Warner Huntington III I just wanted to say that you were so brilliant in there. And that I was wrong. And... you are the girl for me.

Elle [smiles] Really?

Warner Huntington III Yes. Pooh Bear... I love you.

Elle Oh, Warner! I've waited so long to hear you say that.

[smile fades]

Elle But if I'm going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead.

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Professor Callahan Let the blood bath begin.

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Enid Hey, how ya doin', I'm Enid Wexler, got a PhD from Berkeley in women's studies, emphasis in the history of combat...

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Elle Woods [after being chosen to work on Brooke's case] Oh, Warner? Do you remember those four amazing hours we spent in the hot tub after Winter Formal?

Warner Yea-no

Elle Woods This is so much better than that! Excuse me, I have some shopping to do!

Vivian Kensington [after Elle has left] Four hours?

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[after being escorted into the courtroom by the bailiff, Brooke smiles at Callahan intently after learning the truth from Emmett]

Professor Callahan What are you so happy about? You're on trial for murder.

Brooke Get up.

Professor Callahan What?

Brooke You're fired. I have new representation.

Professor Callahan Who?

[Callahan is shocked when Elle returns to the courtroom escorted by Dorky Dave]

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[Elle has decided to quit law school after Professor Callahan made a pass on her. She is saying goodbye to Paulette]

Elle What's the point in staying, Paulette? I mean, all people see when they look at me is blond hair and big boobs. No one's ever gonna take me seriously. The people at law school don't. Warner doesn't. I don't think my own parents take me seriously. I just felt, like, for the first time that someone expected me to... to do something more with my life than just become a Victoria's Secret model. But I was just kidding myself. Callahan never saw me as a lawyer, he just saw me as a piece of ass. Just like everybody else.

[sadly]

Elle Turns out... I am a joke.

Paulette [compassionately] No, you're not a joke.

Elle [They hug; unbeknowst to them, a woman is getting her hair done behind them] The hell with law school. I just wanted to say goodbye.

[the woman getting her hair done turns around and is revealed to be Professor Stromwell]

Professor Stromwell [to Elle] If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life...

[approaches Elle, who stares at her in astonishment]

Professor Stromwell ... You're not the girl I thought you were.

[Stromwell smiles knowingly and admiringly at Elle before leaving. Elle stands there, stunned]

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