Violent Night Movie Quotes
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Scrooge
Now, I know you're an idiot, but don't be an idiot out loud.
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Bert
Grandma, your Wi-Fi sucks dick. Dammit!
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Santa Claus
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Scrooge
The real goddamn Santa Claus.
Santa Claus
This is not your night, pal.
Scrooge
Oh, I don't know. I think you're wrong. I think my whole shitty life's built up to this moment. Because when I kill you, this whole goddamn holiday finally ends. Whatever it takes...
[pulls out his weapons]
Scrooge
Christmas dies tonight.
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Scrooge
[singing to the tune of "Silent Night"]
Violent night. Gory night. All is calm. If all doesn't want to get shot in the fucking head.
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Linda
I'll never get over the fact that you grew up like this.
Jason
My therapist says I'll never get over it either.
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Trudy
Are you going to help us, Santa?
Santa Claus
Yeah. Of course. I'm going to help you. I'm going to get you out of there. Take all these bad guys on my naughty list. I'm going to take a lump of coal, each and every one of them, and shove it straight up...
Trudy
The ass.
Santa Claus
Well, I mean, come on, sweetie. We want to keep it on the nice list, you know.
Trudy
Sorry. Can I say butthole then?
Santa Claus
I mean, it's borderline.
Trudy
How about anus?
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[from the trailer - Santa steps in poo before, furiously, turning his attention to the reindeer]
Santa Claus
Which one of you did that? Prancer?
[Prancer bows his head in guilt]
Santa Claus
So... unprofessional!
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Santa Claus
Damn chickenshit reindeer leave me here to die.
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UK Barkeeper
You ain't driving, are you?
Santa Claus
I steer a little bit, but the reindeer do most of the work.
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Commander Thorp
You all know the plan, and I like my operations like I like to fuck. Hard and fast with minimal cleanup. Now, some idiot gets in your way, what do you do?
Killer Squad
Fuck their shit up right!
Commander Thorp
Damn right. Time to lube up.
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Trudy
Did you ever have a mommy and daddy?
Santa Claus
[grunts and chuckles]
Yeah, of course I had a mommy and daddy. I wasn't... I wasn't always Santa Claus. I had a life before this. A long, long, long time ago. They used to call me, uh... Nicomund.
[flashback begins with flames rumbling and Nicomund panting]
Santa Claus
Nicomund the Red.
Trudy
You had a different job then?
Santa Claus
Yeah, you could say that. I was a warrior. A raider. A thief. And if somebody got in my way, me and Skullcrusher would...
Trudy
Who's Skullcrusher?
Santa Claus
Skullcrusher's my, uh... my hammer. My favorite hammer. I was a surgeon with that thing. Used to be able to take three heads, line 'em up...
[makes thudding sound]
Trudy
But why?
Santa Claus
What?
Trudy
Why'd you do those things?
Santa Claus
Because I was mean. And I was greedy. And I wanted gold, jewels. Yeah, I mean, if there was a naughty list back then, I'd be top dog.
Trudy
Well, maybe...
Santa Claus
What?
Trudy
Maybe all those bad things you used to do... maybe you can use them to do good things instead. To help.
Santa Claus
What do you mean?
Trudy
Mr. Bunny, he wasn't just a toy. That night, you gave me what I wished for. A best friend. 'Cause you're good and kind. And you mean more than just the presents you bring. That's why I believe in you, Santa. That's why I believe.
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Santa Claus
You gave me my "ho ho ho" back.
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Scrooge
Alright, who the hell are you really, huh? Some security guard who's watched too many action flicks? Some loser ex-cop stuck in a mall playing dress-up with fat kids pissing on your lap? Stop me when I get it right.
Santa Claus
It's a little more complicated than that.
Scrooge
Not to me, it's not. Because I want to make it my personal mission, my holiday to-do list, to find you, and to end you, and to wipe my ass with you, and this whole fucking holiday. That's what I want for Christmas, Santa.
Santa Claus
That is a terrible thing to want for Christmas. But maybe you and I should discuss that in person. Santa Claus is coming to town.
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Scrooge
[from the trailer]
You have 300 million dollars in your personal vault. That's what I want for Christmas.
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[last lines]
Santa Claus
[riding his sleigh with his reindeer into the night sky]
Merry Christmas! Hyah! Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! Come on, you beautiful bastards! We've got some work to do! Hyah! Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
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[after capturing Santa Claus and tying him up with Christmas lights]
Scrooge
Now, how did this tired, old, fat piece of shit get the drop on us?
Gingerbread
I don't know.
Candy Cane
He's not even armed. This bag is the only thing he had on him.
Scrooge
What's in there?
Gingerbread
[digs into the bag]
Can't see anything.
[pulls out a present]
Scrooge
Here, give it to me.
Gingerbread
[tosses Scrooge the present and pulls out another one]
Gingerbread
[pulls out a present shaped like a ukulele]
Scrooge
What the fuck?
Gingerbread
Doesn't make any sense. Look at all this shit.
[tosses the ukulele present]
Santa Claus
[wakes up chuckling]
Scrooge
So, you're gonna tell us what's the gimmick with the bag?
Santa Claus
It's magic. You put your hand in, out comes a present. I don't really understand how it works, either. So, you're Mr. Scrooge.
Scrooge
That's right. But who are you?
Santa Claus
Weihnachtsmann. Julenissen. Shèngdàn Laorén. Babbo Natale, Père Noel, Kris Kringle. Jolly old Saint Nick. People call me a lot of things.
Scrooge
Ha, ha, ha. Very funny. Or should I say, "Ho, ho, ho"?
Gingerbread
If you're Santa, where's your reindeer?
Santa Claus
They were on the roof until that guy I turned into an ice kebab just...
[imitates rapid gunfire]
Santa Claus
You don't believe me? Go check. Prancer left a tasty log up there.
Scrooge
This fucking guy.
Candy Cane
You don't think...
Scrooge
Now, I know you're an idiot, but don't be an idiot out loud. Come on, he's just in Santy Claus with a fucking trick bag.
[tosses the bag into the fireplace]
Santa Claus
Oh, no! That bag was full of kids' dreams!
Scrooge
Oh, come on. Everybody knows that Christmas dreams are bullshit. My father used to make a big deal out of it every Christmas. Every freaking Christmas with the presents and the candy and the decorations and the Christmas caroling and all that bullshit. And then when I was... I don't know, ten, 11, he got laid off, and that Christmas, couldn't even afford a tree. No Christmas dinner, no gifts. Nothing, nada, culo, dick. But our neighbors... our neighbors, oh, they had it all. I could see all that yuletide cheer through their window mocking me. So Christmas Eve rolls around, and... I waited for everybody to go to bed. And then I snuck in there to take it all. Only problem was that the gramps got up to take a piss and the two of us scared the shit out of each other. And, um, he fell down the stairs and-and broke his neck, and he died in the hospital. Everybody thought that I did it, and every time I tried to tell them, I tried to tell them that... Anyway, maybe I did do it. Maybe I did push him. Poor old fucker. So, you see, Christmas ruined my life. Okay? But you know what? It set me on the path and made me the great man that I am today.
Scrooge
I'm sorry, Jimmy. I really am. But I do gifts. I do Christmas cheer. I don't get involved in people's lives.
Scrooge
Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, maybe you fucking should!
Gingerbread
Um, how did he know your name?
Santa Claus
[to Gingerbread]
Oh, Bjorn. What's your excuse? Huh? Didn't I get you that Huffy bike you wanted back in '82? One you wrote me 50 times about!
[to Candy Cane]
Santa Claus
What about you, Kira? Well, you made your brother eat worms. That's naughty!
Gingerbread
Okay, how does he know about my bike?
Scrooge
It's a lucky guess, like: "Hey, do you like big tits?". Come on, every kid wants a fucking bike.
Scrooge
[pulls out his gun]
You're gonna tell me who you work for... then you've got five seconds to tell me who you really are.
[aims his gun at Santa Claus]
Scrooge
Five, four, three, two...
Santa Claus
I'm Santa Claus!
Scrooge
Well, not anymore.
[clocks his gun and is about to shoot until the fake snow appears and music plays in the background]
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Gertrude
[enters the room talking on her phone]
Listen, you cocksucker. It's Christmas. So why don't you take your best offer, gift wrap it, and ram it up your fucking box.
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[mid-credit scene]
Bert
[recording himself for a viral video with Commander Thorp's dead body]
Hey, yo! What's Gucci, squad fam? It's the Bert Locker, living the dream. You know what? See this guy? Dead as hell. Santa's real, all right? Don't end up on the naughty list. Do better. Bert Lightstone out.
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Gertrude
[to Jason about his plan to steal and run away with her money]
It's part of the Lightstone legacy. We're horrible people. So I get why you did what you did. When your grandfather told me I'd never run the company because a girl doesn't have what it takes, I had to snatch the reins away from him. But the point is, a Lightstone takes what's theirs. I'm proud of you, son.
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UK Mall Santa
It's the look on the kiddies faces, ain't it? That's what does it for me.
Santa Claus
That look. Yeah, that look. Lasts about two seconds. As soon as they're finished unwrapping, they want the next present, they want the next cool thing. That's how the world works. And kids, what kids have become. They're just little junkies. They're little shits. They just demand. They don't believe. They just want, crave, consume. Maybe this is my last year. The last Christmas.
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