Naked Gun 33⅓: The Final Insult Movie Quotes
Frank Drebin
Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out.
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Frank Drebin
Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.
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[Frank Drebin is stopped at the entrance to the Oscars]
Frank Drebin
Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad.
Guard
Yeah, and I'm Robert De Niro.
Frank Drebin
Mr. De Niro, we've got to get inside.
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Tyrone
You just watch your step, McGurke. This place here changes a man.
Frank Drebin
Yeah? In what way?
Tyrone
I used to be white. I was the drummer for the Osmonds.
Rocko Dillon
Screw around with me, and Tyrone here will make you feel pain that you'd never believe.
Frank Drebin
Yeah, I remember the Osmonds.
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Tanya Peters
[46:02]
You're all man. I like that in my men.
Frank Drebin
You're coming on to me big time, sister. You're preying on me like a kitten with a fresh mouse. And we got a problem.
Tanya Peters
You're Jewish?
Frank Drebin
No. You're Rocko's girl, and in my book that chapter's called "look but don't touch."
Tanya Peters
I could have two lovers.
Frank Drebin
Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.
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Ed Hocken
We heard about you and Jane.
Frank Drebin
Jane, Jane. That name will always remind me of her.
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Dr. Kohlzak
[at a Sperm Bank and Fertility Clinic, unbeknownst to Frank, who's faking an old football injury]
When did you first notice the problem?
Frank Drebin
In the backyard, with my uncle.
Dr. Kohlzak
In the backyard... with your uncle?
Frank Drebin
Yes, when he comes over we like to go out in the backyard and throw it around for a while.
Dr. Kohlzak
And what did you and your uncle find out?
Frank Drebin
Oh, I can't keep up with him, mine hurt especially on the long ones. I can't seem to straighten it out, it has no feeling, it's... it's kind of numb. I may have yanked it too much, maybe.
Dr. Kohlzak
[hands him a cup and opens a door to another room]
If you would.
Frank Drebin
For what?
Dr. Kohlzak
A sperm count.
Frank Drebin
In here?
Dr. Kohlzak
Well, it's not exactly the backyard, but it'll do.
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Frank Drebin
Well... We shot a lot of people together. It's been great. But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now, it'll have to be within the confines of my own home. Hopefully, an intruder and not an in-law, like at my bachelor party.
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[Frank and Jane approach the first cab with an Arabic driver]
Frank Drebin
Does that radio work?
Cabbie
[replies in Arabic]
[they move to a second cab with a Jamaican driver]
Frank Drebin
Call Police Squad! Tell 'em Frank Drebin says...
Cabbie
[replies in Jamaican]
[they move to a third cab with an African driver]
Frank Drebin
Forget it.
[they immediately leave]
Cabbie
[British accent]
I wonder what the devil he wanted!
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Dr. Stuart Eisendrath
Yes, I was sorry to hear about his suicide.
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Ed Hocken
There's only one way to find out where Rocco's gonna strike next. We're gonna hafta send someone into Statesville Prison.
Frank Drebin
I'll do it.
Ed Hocken
Frank, I couldn't. I wouldn't feel right about that. If Rocco finds out you're a cop, you might end up dead!
Frank Drebin
You might end up dead is my middle name.
Ed Hocken
What about Jane?
Frank Drebin
I don't know her middle name. But, Ed, I need the action. I'm going inside the big house.
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Olympia Dukakis
What's that?
James Earl Jones
It looks like Phil Donahue throwing up into a tuba.
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Ed Hocken
You haven't shot anybody in six months.
Frank Drebin
That's true. Funny how you miss the little things.
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[a grip falls from the rafters into the orchestra]
Rocco Dillon
Well, from now on!
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[in the prison cafeteria]
Frank Drebin
Hey! You call this slop? Real slop has got chunks of things in it! This is more like gruel! And this Château le Blanc '68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature! What do you think we are? Animals?
Convicts
NO!
Frank Drebin
What are we?
[the entire hall is silent]
Mess Hall Convict
Homo sapiens?
Frank Drebin
You're right! We're men! We are men!
Frank Drebin
Frank Drebin, Convicts: [all chant] WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN!
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Director
[slightly irked after Frank, undercover as Phil Donahue, throws up in a tuba]
Someone make a note. I don't think we should have Phil Donahue back next year.
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Papshmir
My people are very upset.
Muriel Dillon
They're always upset. They're Arab terrorists.
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Papshmir
[to Rocco]
You are supposed to be the world's foremost terrorist bomber. Airlines, government buildings...
Muriel Dillon
The devastation in South Florida?
Papshmir
That was Hurricane Andrew.
Muriel Dillon
That's what they told the public.
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Frank Drebin
[before Jane leaves]
Look, baby. I am what I am, and I do what I do. A few guys make shoelaces, some lay sod, others make a very good living neutering animals. I'm a cop!
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Rocco Dillon
Where's your prison number?
Frank Drebin
It's unlisted.
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Frank Drebin
They're going to blow that place sky high. It'll be a tragedy. Unless it's during a dance number.
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Frank Drebin
Jane...
Jane Spencer
Frank, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Frank Drebin
Yes! Florence Henderson's gonna win it, and it's about time.
Jane Spencer
No! The bomb is in one of those envelopes!
Frank Drebin
You're right!
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Frank Drebin
Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye. It's just I won't ever see you again.
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Tanya Peters
What are you doing?
Frank Drebin
Oh! I was, uh, just conjugating my next move.
Tanya Peters
Your bishop's exposed.
Frank Drebin
It's these pants.
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Dr. Stuart Eisendrath
You know, I feel it's important to get off on the right foot and not get caught up in blame. Now, which one of you is impotent?
Jane Spencer
Uh, that would be him.
Frank Drebin
Why don't you ask who's frigid?
Jane Spencer
Uh, that would be him also.
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[Jane catches Frank kissing Tanya]
Jane Spencer
How could you!
Tanya Peters
Well, you just shove your tongue as far down his throat as you can.
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Frank Drebin
Uh, Raquel, just a second, I just had a thought. This show is being seen all over the world. I was thinking, if we could all just send good thoughts, transmit them through these cameras here, to the elected leader of China, Wing Wa Woo Tong, so that they might finally be nice. Thank you.
[applause]
Raquel Welch
And the winner is...
Frank Drebin
Uh Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation, yet cat food is full of tuna! I can't help but think each time I go to the zoo and see those porpoises, crammed into those tiny tanks, what a waste that is. Butcher half of them now! That's hundreds of pounds of dolphin meat that can be fed to our cats, freeing up that tuna for our nation's hungry.
[few people clap]
Raquel Welch
And the winner is...
Frank Drebin
Uh, so many are cold, shivering in the night, so I say, butcher those cats, skin them! Use their fur to keep hundreds warm!
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[Big Con drops a bar of soap in the prison shower room]
Big Hairy Con
Bend over and pick it up for me, would you lover?
Frank Drebin
Sure. No problem.
[Bends over. His towel falls off, revealing cast iron underwear]
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Jane Spencer
Now I know why Ed's been calling every half hour. You've been back on a case, haven't you?
Frank Drebin
No, no, I swear, it's another woman.
Jane Spencer
In your wildest dreams.
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Frank Drebin
Mrs. Dillon, your son is a ruthless, sadistic, cold-blooded animal. You must be very proud of him.
Muriel Dillon
I am.
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Rocco Dillon
Any last words before I throw you off?
Jane Spencer
Yes. Don't do it.
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Frank Drebin
Do you have "Spartacus"?
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[during prison riot]
Rocco Dillon
I've been watching you McGurke. You handle yourself really good.
Frank Drebin
Really well.
Rocco Dillon
Whatever.
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Tanya Peters
Hey, who's the stud?
Rocco Dillon
Oh, I'd like you to meet the newest member of our gang. Slasher McGurke, meet Tanya Peters.
Tanya Peters
Wait a minute. Don't I know you from somewhere?
Muriel Dillon
[putting her gun in his face]
I smelled cop on him the minute I saw him.
Frank Drebin
I get that all the time. The underwear ads, played everywhere.
Muriel Dillon
Are you saying you're not a cop?
Frank Drebin
Well... yeah!
Rocco Dillon
Well, that's good enough for me.
Tanya Peters
Me, too.
Muriel Dillon
I'm fine.
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Rocco Dillon
Pull out the bomb, Drebin. If you don't, I'll shoot the dame.
Frank Drebin
All right, Rocco. All right. I'll do what you say.
Jane Spencer
Frank!
Frank Drebin
Just don't harm her.
Jane Spencer
Frank, if you pull out the bomb, you'll kill me anyway, and everyone else in this theater.
Frank Drebin
Yeah. No dice, Rocco.
Rocco Dillon
Then I'll plug her.
Frank Drebin
You shoot her, and I'll empty this envelope.
Jane Spencer
Frank, think about it.
Frank Drebin
It's all right. You'll be dead.
Jane Spencer
Then you'll kill yourself and everyone here.
Frank Drebin
Yeah.
Rocco Dillon
Then I'll shoot you, Drebin, if you don't do as I say.
Frank Drebin
Jane?
Jane Spencer
I'd be safe, so would everyone else, but you'd be dead.
Frank Drebin
This is getting a little complicated, Rocco.
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Frank Drebin
Let's look at this logically. You're the psychotic. You should have the envelope. I should have the gun.
Jane Spencer
Frank!
Frank Drebin
I know what I'm doing.
[as he and Rocco trade, the cops, everyone in the control room, and the audience all facepalm]
Rocco Dillon
All right! Here's your best picture! In front of the whole worldwide audience, this place is going up!
Ed Hocken
Well, if I'm going out, I'm going out happy.
[he grabs the woman next to him and kisses her]
Frank Drebin
Wait a minute, Rocco. Before we're all blown to bits, mind if I pull the underwear out of my crack? A man's got to go comfortable.
Rocco Dillon
All right. But that's it.
Frank Drebin
[feigning bending over, he knocks the bomb out of Rocco's hand]
All right, give it up, Rocco. You're history.
[as Frank turns to look, Rocco takes the gun away]
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'Weird Al' Yankovic
[in their underwear, talking to two security guards]
Silver hair.
Vanna White
About 6'2".
'Weird Al' Yankovic
Kind of looked like Phil Donahue.
Vanna White
Yeah.
'Weird Al' Yankovic
'Weird Al' Yankovic, Vanna White: [spotting him] That's the guy!
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Frank Drebin
[Narrating]
Rocco could tell from my little escapade in the shower that I was well endowed... with courage.
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Muriel Dillon
How's my little boy? Getting along OK, sweetie?
Rocco Dillon
As well as a heterosexual can in prison. I don't know how much longer I can take it. How's Tanya?
Muriel Dillon
Tanya's the same. Milky, creamy skin, pouting red lips, firm buttocks, ample breasts, ears you want to stick your tongue into.
Rocco Dillon
Ma, please. I'm gonna get guy cramps if you keep this up.
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Ed Hocken
[entering the Oscars control room]
I'm Ed Hocken, this is Officer Nordberg, from Police Squad. We're here to prevent a disaster.
Director
You're too late for that.
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Frank Drebin
I knew I'd bump into you around here somewhere. I want answers, cherry cakes.
Tanya Peters
I love you.
Frank Drebin
Wrong answer. I've dropped out of the sap of the month club a long time ago. Now, listen to me, angel drawers, you've got one last chance. And I don't mean one of those Major League Baseball, Steve Howe kind of last chances. Now, where is Jane?
Tanya Peters
I swear I don't know.
Frank Drebin
All right, then, where's the bomb?
Tanya Peters
It's in the Best Picture envelope. Oh, Mr. Drebin, I wanna go straight. I'm tired of the lies. Oh, kiss me. Please kiss me. I've never kissed lips so innocent, so pure.
[she kisses him; as he sits down, she pulls the straps of her dress down and his eyes widen as he sees she has a penis; breaking the fourth wall and looking at the audience, he gags and runs out of the room]
Security Guard
[elsewhere, talking to Ed and Nordberg]
He looked a little like Phil Donahue; white hair...
[Frank runs past]
Security Guard
That's the guy!
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Jane Spencer
He has no idea what a woman wants or needs. You're so insensitive.
Frank Drebin
This isn't that the toilet seat thing again, is it?
Jane Spencer
It's babies, Frank! I want to have a baby. And every time we start to make love, you have a headache.
Frank Drebin
I'm not a piece of meat, Jane. I'm trying. I've got ointments, lotions, creams, books, things that vibrate.
Jane Spencer
Frank!
Frank Drebin
Well, maybe it's your fault.
Dr. Stuart Eisendrath
Have you tried sexy lingerie? Some lacy underwear, a black teddy?
Frank Drebin
I've worn them all. They don't work.
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Frank Drebin
[seeing Tanya in just a one-piece bathing suit]
That bathing suit was never happier. I had only a second to admire the view. I had to watch out; if she made me as a cop, I'd be tonight's meat loaf.
Tanya Peters
Come here, sexy.
Frank Drebin
You're all woman. I could tell just by looking at you.
Rocco Dillon
Hey! She's referring to me.
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Rocco Dillon
[listening to Frank and Jane bicker]
Jeez, you two, knock it off! You'd think you were married or something.
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Frank Drebin
It's a great setup.
Rocco Dillon
No phone, miles from the nearest town, Playboy channel, perfect.
Frank Drebin
High stakes, but I'm here for the action. What are we going after, a bank, armored car, Dodgers' payroll?
Muriel Dillon
[putting a gun in his face]
You're getting a little bit too nosy, McGurke.
Rocco Dillon
Relax, Ma. She's been itching to try out her new gun.
Frank Drebin
I know the feeling.
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Frank Drebin
I was in prison, surrounded by murderers, rapists and thieves. It was like being in the stands at a Los Angeles Raiders game.
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Jane Spencer
Oh, honey, it's just that I love you so much.
Frank Drebin
My little lover sparrow.
Jane Spencer
My puppy-wuppy wover.
Frank Drebin
My little love biscuit.
Jane Spencer
My little shnooky-wookums.
Frank Drebin
My little lady cheesy puppy.
Dr. Stuart Eisendrath
Mr and Mrs Drebin, please. I'm diabetic. I think you two ought to go now.
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Ed Hocken
Nordberg, look! That's Frank at the Academy Awards.
Nordberg
Hey, how did he get tickets?
Ed Hocken
Nordberg! That's where Rocco Dillon is going to strike next. He's planning on blowing up the Academy Awards. We've gotta get there!
Nordberg
But, Captain, we're... we're not invited. We're cops.
Ed Hocken
[picking up a silent phone receiver]
It's for you.
Nordberg
[taking it, oblivious]
Norberg, Police Squad. Hello? Hello?
[handing it to another cop]
Nordberg
Henderson, see about this phone. I think it's broke.
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Jane Spencer
Why don't you want a child?
Frank Drebin
Didn't I try to adopt that 18-year-old Korean girl?
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Frank Drebin
Having a baby is a big responsibility. It's like being in charge of sanitation at a Haitian jail.
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Frank Drebin
It was Tanya. That bathing suit was never happier.
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Frank Drebin
I had to get a message to Police Squad. This was more than I could handle. No phone, miles from civilisation, my prospects look bleaker than a gerbiI's in a bathhou
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Papshmir
America will be brought to its *knees* by this ultimate terrorist act. That's right. this will be more embarrassing to the United States than Tonya Harding.
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Frank Drebin
[upon his retirement from the Police Squad]
Well, Ed, I officially give you my gun. And my badge. And, Jane and I would like to keep the handcuffs as a souvenir.
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Frank Drebin
Ed, what's happenin', my man?
Ed Hocken
Frank, we missed you last night at the fondue party.
Frank Drebin
I couldn't make it. I went to see the Village People. They're a stone soul gas, man.
Ed Hocken
Alright, I can dig it.
Frank Drebin
What have we got here?
Ed Hocken
One dead disco dancer.
Frank Drebin
Bummer.
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Dr. Stuart Eisendrath
Jane, Frank, here's what I suggest. Make tonight a *special* night. Dinner, wine, romantic music. Put on the 24-hour Johnny Mathis station. Just be Jane and Frank - lovers.
Jane Spencer
We haven't had a night like that in a long time.
Frank Drebin
Not together.
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Frank Drebin
Might be good to feel that cold, hard steel pressed against my thigh once again. The thrill of the chase. To be a man!
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Jane Spencer
Honey, I've been waiting all day. I'm wearing the nightgown you bought me for our honeymoon. Tonight's going to be a special night. I'm going to make love to you for hours and hours. Wouldn't Mr Happy like that?
Frank Drebin
Hours?
Jane Spencer
Just like we did the first time we were together.
Frank Drebin
Jane, why don't I get ready and soak in the tub for a couple of days? Possibly a week.
Jane Spencer
Oh, you're so cute. Let me go get the oysters and clams.
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Frank Drebin
Well, listen to you.
Jane Spencer
Listen to you.
Frank Drebin
*Listen* to you.
Jane Spencer
*Listen* to you.
Frank Drebin
Listen to you.
Jane Spencer
Listen to you!
Frank Drebin
Listen to you!
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Ed Hocken
Frank, I feel really bad about all of this. If there's *anything* you need.
Nordberg
Dr Kevorkian's home phone number?
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Jane Spencer
There's no such thing as the wrong man. You just have to work at it.
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The Judge
Sweetie, Mommy said no pounding when she's in session.
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[Ted Olsen enters office holding a lab dish mounded with a brown material.]
Ted Olsen
Hi Frank! Nice to see you.
Frank Drebin
[Enters with Ed Hocken] Ted.
Ted Olsen
Ed, I've got that data for you on the bomb.
[Places lab dish onto a desk.]
Ed Hocken
Good! What did you find out?
Ted Olsen
Well, the explosive itself is a very fine powder.
[Frank uses his finger to taste the brown material.]
Frank Drebin
It tastes like...
Ted Olsen
That would be fertilizer, Frank. It's for another case.
[Frank grimaces.]
Ted Olsen
This is what I'm talking about.
[He holds up beaker half filled a white powder.]
Ted Olsen
We detected a high quantity of nitroglycerin.
Ed Hocken
Can you tell us where it came from?
[Frank opens a container and swishes the liquid contents hoping to wash his mouth out. Meanwhile, a cop adjusts the Venetian blinds to darken the room.]
Ted Olsen
I'd be glad to.
[Starts a slideshow]
Ted Olsen
Billions of years ago, the Earth was a molten mass. As it...
Ed Hocken
[Interrupting] Ted, I'm talking about the powder.
[Slideshow stops. Cop readjusts blinds to let light back in.]
Ted Olsen
Oh, we haven't got a clue about that, Ed.
[Taking back the container Frank is holding.]
Ted Olsen
Here. Let me take that urine specimen from you, Frank.
[Frank does a spit take.]
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Pía Zadora
[singing]
This could be the heart of somethin', This could be the start of somethin', Big!
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Jane Spencer
Louise, you're witnessing the beginning of a new Jane Spencer-Drebin. No more little Miss Perky, devoting her life to one man. I'm out for the new me. Let's burn rubber.
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Papshmir
Regards to Mrs Qaddafi. Oh, and tell her thanks for the cookies.
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