Dumb and Dumber To Movie Quotes
Harry Dunne
Whoa! Lloyd! Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.
Lloyd Christmas
That's almost three hours away. Can't I check them out now?
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Harry Dunne
I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.
Dr. Meldmann
Ah. Christmas, like the holiday?
Lloyd Christmas
No, Like the tree.
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Harry Dunne
Lloyd, did you say something? That's it, kid. You can do it. Come on! Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!
Lloyd Christmas
GOT YA!
Harry Dunne
Wh- Wh- Wh- What-What-What?
Lloyd Christmas
You should see the look on your face! I got you so good!
Harry Dunne
W- W- W- Wait, wait. Wait a second! Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?
Lloyd Christmas
Uh-huh.
Harry Dunne
So you mean you just wasted the best years of your life.
Lloyd Christmas
Out the window.
Harry Dunne
And you let me come here every Wednesday for like a thousand weeks and it was all just for a gag?
Lloyd Christmas
Uh-huh!
Harry Dunne
That's... awesome!
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Lloyd Christmas
Hey, Har. You wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?
Harry Dunne
Sure.
[constantly rings the doorbell]
Harry Dunne
Yeah, that's pretty annoying.
Lloyd Christmas
No, not that.
Mrs. Stainer
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RINGING OUR DOORBELL LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
Lloyd Christmas
That!
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Harry Dunne
[Going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home]
Whoa. I got accepted at Arizona State.
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Lloyd Christmas
Hey, who's this?
Harry Dunne
That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley.
Lloyd Christmas
Why did you name him Butthole?
Harry Dunne
Oh. 'Cause of this.
[shows the cat's butthole]
Lloyd Christmas
Oh, yeah. Good name. Totally fits.
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Harry Dunne
Wait a minute. I know what you're up to mister. You wanna stay 'cause you're hot for my daughter.
Lloyd Christmas
What?
Harry Dunne
Am I right?
Lloyd Christmas
What?
Harry Dunne
Am I right?
Lloyd Christmas
That's insane!
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Harry Dunne
How many days are in April?
Lloyd Christmas
30 days have September, all the rest I can't remember
Harry Dunne
Must be 31 because nothing rhymes with August
Lloyd Christmas
Nah I think it's 32 Harry. April's a leap month
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Harry Dunne
Lloyd? I think that was her "gran-gina."
Mrs. Snergle
That's right. So you can cross that one off your bucket list.
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Lloyd Christmas
Lloyd Christmas, Harry Dunne: [to Dr. Walcott] Show us your tits!
Harry Dunne
Both of 'em!
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Lloyd Christmas
Legs are a little rubbery after all that time sitting here. Why don't you roll me inside? We'll get the nurse take the catheter out of me. I wanna see if my lizard's still spitting straight.
Harry Dunne
We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.
Lloyd Christmas
Don't you have to...
[Harry pulls on the catheter, yanking Lloyd off the wheelchair]
Lloyd Christmas
Oh, God!
Harry Dunne
That things really taken root!
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Harry Dunne
You're the spitting image of her!
Fraida Felcher
You morons! This is the return address. Her's is on the side with the stamp.
Lloyd Christmas
But it's still uncanny!
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Lloyd Christmas
Hey, you guys want to play "He Who Smelt It"?
Harry Dunne
Yeah.
Travis
What's that?
Lloyd Christmas
It's complicated, so pay attention. We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point. If you say who dealt it, double points.
Harry Dunne
But if you say you smelled a fart and nobody farted, like if we were passing a slaughterhouse.
Lloyd Christmas
False fart!
Harry Dunne
You lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts either.
Travis
What, are you kidding? No! No! I'm not gonna sit around sniffin' you guys's farts like some kind of truffle pig. Forget it!
Harry Dunne
Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one-on-one.
Lloyd Christmas
Yeah, head-to-head.
Travis
How can you play one-on-one? If you smell a fart, and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?
Lloyd Christmas
I thought you said you never played before.
Harry Dunne
Yeah. Sound like he wrote the rule book.
Lloyd Christmas
I think we might have a hustler, Har.
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[first lines]
Asylum Nurse No. 1
There he is again.
Asylum Nurse #2
Almost two decades and he still comes.
Asylum Nurse No. 1
So sad.
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Harry's Dad
We love you, Harry.
Lloyd Christmas
Do you love him long time?
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Harry Dunne
[Lloyd is in a catatonic state at a mental hospital]
Come on, Lloyd. You gotta get over her. Mary Samsonite was just a girl. Besides, she's married. And even if it had worked out, would you really want ginger babies? Gross.
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Dr. Pinchelow
I know she will appreciate all the trouble you have come to find her. Let's call her.
[Hands over to Harry his cellphone]
Harry Dunne
It's ringing!
Lloyd Christmas
[Lloyd answers Penny's discarded cellphone]
Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something very important here.
Lloyd Christmas
[to Penny's foster parents]
Guys I know this is weird timing but I got to take this. It's my dead Dad!
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Captain Lippencott
Where is the invention? WHERE IS THE GODDAMN BILLION DOLLAR INVENTION!
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Dr. Pinchelow
You know, I always wondered what Penny's natural father was like. When my late wife and I adopted her, we didn't have much information her birth parents. We were told her mother was single, and that she was... Well...
Adele
You can say it, dear. She was rumored to be a titanic whore.
Harry Dunne
That's a lie! Fraida never stepped foot on the Titanic!
Lloyd Christmas
You must be talking about the time she did the night crew on the Block Island Ferry.
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Harry Dunne
Oh, that's my new roommate.
Harry Dunne
Well, I mean, I had to get someone to pay half of the rent while you were in hospital. How's it going, Ice Pick?
Harry Dunne
Pick cooks up a rock candy that'll make you dizzy. Folks come from all over the city to buy it.
Lloyd Christmas
It's burning my eyes. Must be Cajun style,
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Harry Dunne
Boy, I sure wish I could have been there when she was little.
Lloyd Christmas
Whatever. That's all water under the fridge now, Har. Think of the bright side. You're finally getting to meet her, and you never had to change those poopy diapers.
Harry Dunne
That's called being a parent, Lloyd. Besides, I changed your poopy diapers for 20 years.
Lloyd Christmas
I totally sucked you in. Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.
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Dr. Meldmann
Okay, may I ask you a question, doctor. And I don't mean to be insensitive. But, uh, does Dr. Pinchelow have Aspergers?
Lloyd Christmas
Probably. I know he doesn't wipe real well.
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[after Mrs. Snergle convinces Lloyd there are "diamonds" under her blanket]
Lloyd Christmas
Did you hide them inside this turkey?
Mrs. Snergle
Yeah, right.
[starts moaning]
Mrs. Snergle
[sternly]
And you're not my grandson!
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Harry Dunne
Okay, Dr. Picasso, what's your definition of sex?
Fraida Felcher
Well...
[whispers to Harry and Lloyd]
Lloyd Christmas
No way! That's just... Not my mom! Ew!
Harry Dunne
But that's where she pees!
Lloyd Christmas
It's in my head, and I can't unlearn it! You're bad!
Harry Dunne
Can you show us?
Lloyd Christmas
I call sloppy seconds.
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Trucker's Pal
Kick his ass, Sea Bass!
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Harry Dunne
Let me ask you something Freida. If I'm not Penny's father and Lloyd's not her father then who's her father?
Fraida Felcher
Funny you should ask.
[to Penny]
Fraida Felcher
Honey how would uou like to meet some relatives?
[Points towards the Stainers]
Lloyd Christmas
Mr Stainer? I should have known. You horny old goat!
Fraida Felcher
No Lloyd. Mr Stainer is Penny's grandfather.
Harry Dunne
You mean Pee Stain's the dad?
Lloyd Christmas
Duh!
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Harry Dunne
I don't know about this, Lloyd. I haven't been home for over 20 years.
Lloyd Christmas
Come on, Harry! You need a genital organ match. They're your parents.
Harry Dunne
I'm not gonna go crawling back to them, Lloyd. Not after what they did to me.
Lloyd Christmas
What'd they do?
Harry Dunne
They threw me out of the house.
Lloyd Christmas
Why?
Harry Dunne
Just 'cause I told them I was gay.
Lloyd Christmas
Why'd you tell them that?
Harry Dunne
I was sick of mowing the lawn.
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Lloyd Christmas
Cheers!
Fraida Felcher
Whoa! Wait. Where'd you get that?
Lloyd Christmas
The Slurpee machine in the back.
Fraida Felcher
That's embalming fluid.
Lloyd Christmas
Oh. Does it have aspartame?
Fraida Felcher
No.
Lloyd Christmas
Cool.
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Harry Dunne
That's weird. The smell of peanuts makes my weenie cold.
Lloyd Christmas
It shrank mine.
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Captain Lippencott
Why are you standing in the toilet?
Harry Dunne
So you wouldn't see my feet.
Captain Lippencott
Why not just stand on the rim?
Harry Dunne
There's ball hairs all over that thing. I'm not stupid.
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Lloyd Christmas
[Lloyd meets the now adult Billy 4C for the first time in 20 years]
Hey Billy! I hear you got a lot of flockin' birds!
Billy
Is that you, Lloyd?
Lloyd Christmas
Very good. I didn't think you'd recognize me after all these years. So what you been up to, buddy boy? Seen any good movies lately?
[Harry nudges him]
Lloyd Christmas
I mean, you know, like, on the radio?
Billy
[Lloyd feeds some of Billy's parrots candy]
What was that? Did you just feed them something?
Lloyd Christmas
Relax. Just a little candy.
Billy
You can't feed candy to birds! They're stomachs'll explode!
Lloyd Christmas
Even if it's just a few Pop Rocks?
Billy
Are you crazy? Pick those up! Pick 'em up!
Lloyd Christmas
All right, all right! Sheesh. Well, nice catching up. See you later.
Billy
Not If I see you first!
Lloyd Christmas
Ha-ha! Good one!
Billy
No, no, no. It's okay, Siskel. Daddy's not going to let them get anywhere near you.
Lloyd Christmas
Lloyd Christmas, Harry Dunne: [Together at once] BOOGA!
[the pair frighten Billy]
Lloyd Christmas
See? I told you that hearing thing was a wives' tail.
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Fraida Felcher
Yeah, but, Lloyd, Lloyd. She isn't your daughter either.
Lloyd Christmas
Nice try, Fraida. But Penny read me the letter. I know all about Oyster Swallow Cove, which is exactly where you took me in the van!
Fraida Felcher
So? That was my spot. I must've taken hundred of guys there. What can I say. I was a titanic whore.
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Harry Dunne
Mr. Stainer, Mrs. Stainer so nice to see you.
Mr. Stainer
Harry, Lloyd. To what do we the owe the honor at this late hour, gentlemen?
Lloyd Christmas
We were just wondering if Pee Stain wanted to come out for some suds and maybe having his ass handed to him in a couple of games of Dig Dug.
Mr. Stainer
Lloyd. Peter is dead.
Lloyd Christmas
Yeah right. Since when?
Mr. Stainer
Since 1991. Remember?
Lloyd Christmas
The motorcycle accident? But I thought he pulled through. The obituary said he was survived by his parents.
Mr. Stainer
No, he did not pull through.
Lloyd Christmas
Are you sure?
Mr. Stainer
Yes.
[Shows the duo a poster of their late son]
Lloyd Christmas
You guys are right. Anyway sorry about that whole thing. Pee Stain and I were close friends.
Mr. Stainer
Yeah, we know. You were the one who sold him the motorcycle.
Lloyd Christmas
And if I recall I made him a sweet deal. My bike for his helmet straight up. That thing was a rocket. A little squirrelly on the corners, and when you got on it straight away...
Mr. Stainer
Good night, Lloyd. Good night, Harry.
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Lloyd Christmas
Wow. Think about it. If I hadn't sold that crotch rocket to Pee Stain, you wouldn't have a bastard child who's gonna save your life.
Harry Dunne
God's got a pretty warped sense of humor, huh?
Lloyd Christmas
Yeah. I bet he smokes weed. Otherwise, why he put our testicles outside our bodies, where someone can do this?
[hits Harry in his crotch]
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Fraida Felcher
Look, guys. It's me. Fraida Felcher.
Lloyd Christmas
Yeah, right. Like we'd be fighting over those blowfish jowls. No offense.
Fraida Felcher
Harry, Lloyd, I'm gonna say this one more time. I'm Fraida.
Harry Dunne
Oh, yeah. Then show us your tattoo. 'Cause Fraida had a cute little smiley face on her back, right above her bikini line. Well?
[Fraida shows her tattoo]
Harry Dunne
Hmm. It's close.
Lloyd Christmas
Mmm.
[Fraida pushes up the smiley face]
Lloyd Christmas
Oh. Hi, Fraida.
Harry Dunne
Oh, hey! How ya been?
Lloyd Christmas
Have you been doing yoga?
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Lloyd Christmas
Harry, holy cow. I'm worried about you. You're as deaf as a bat.
Harry Dunne
That's not exactly how it happened, Lloyd. Your mother got into bed with me.
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Harry Dunne
Mrs. P. What are you doing here?
Dr. Walcott
Do you always call your wife Mrs. P?
Harry Dunne
Oh. Uh - How you doin', sugar tits? I missed ya.
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Fraida Felcher
So, guys, there's still one thing I don't understand. How could either of you have possibly thought that you were Penny's father?
Harry Dunne
Well, why wouldn't we?
Lloyd Christmas
Yeah!
Fraida Felcher
Because we never had sex.
Lloyd Christmas
Oh. Yeah. Well, you could've fooled us.
Harry Dunne
Yeah, nice try, Snow White. Does the word "hot tub" jog your memory? If I recall, I played with your boobies for a long time that night. The mother boat, the windshield wipers, the punching bag.
Fraida Felcher
You know Harry, you can't get a woman pregnant by manhandling her breasts.
Harry Dunne
Oh, really? Well, then, why'd your doorbells get so hard?
Lloyd Christmas
Yeah. And did you forget about the French tickler in the back of the van?
Fraida Felcher
Putting a frilly glow-in-the-dark condom on your finger is not the same as having sex.
Lloyd Christmas
What if I go like this?
Lloyd Christmas
[wiggles his finger]
Fraida Felcher
No.
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Lloyd Christmas
Wow, so this is what rock-bottom feels like. Hm, not THAT bad.
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Captain Lippencott
I thought those Canadian accents were a little shakey.
Gus
Yeah? YOU try it.
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Harry Dunne
Wow. Great accent, Doc. Where you from?
Dr. Walcott
England. Surrey.
Harry Dunne
Oh, no need to apologize. That was years ago. We kicked your butt anyway, so we're cool with it.
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Lloyd Christmas
Oh crap! I ordered a vanilla shake and they gave me a chocolate one.
Harry Dunne
Tell me about it! I ordered a chocolate shake and those dopes gave me a vanilla one.
Lloyd Christmas
They do that a lot.
[Lloyd and Harry toss their shakes behind them and they land on the windshield of Sea Bass' truck]
Sea Bass
What the hell!
[Sea Bass and his Trucker Pal sees Lloyd and Harry]
Trucker's Pal
Kick his ass, Sea Bass!
Sea Bass
Those sons of bitches!
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Harry Dunne
I wonder what it would have been like to raise a child.
[Harry daydreams of what life would have been like if he raised a daughter. First Harry teaches his toddler daughter how to do a stunt on her bike. Harry is then shown knocking one of his daughter's baby teeth out a few years later. We then see that Harry's now teenage daughter has had her first period]
Penny
[Harry's daughter now an adult goes on a date]
Bye, dad.
Lloyd Christmas
[Lloyd is acting retarded and is wearing a pink vest and two huge fan gloves]
Mr Dunne! Mr Dunne!
[about to eat from a dustbin]
Lloyd Christmas
Do you mind?
Harry Dunne
Bon appetite, kid!
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Lloyd Christmas
thats just an urban myth like women shouldent smoke while there pregant my smoked like a chimney when she wasent drinking and i turned out fine.
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