All That Jazz Movie Quotes
Joe Gideon
Do you suppose Stanley Kubrick ever gets depressed?
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[repeated line]
Joe Gideon
It's showtime, folks!
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Dancer Backstage
Fuck him! He never picks me!
Dancer Backstage
Honey, I *did* fuck him and he never picks me either.
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Joe Gideon
Katie, I try to give you everything I can give.
Kate Jagger
Oh, you give all right; presents, clothes. I just wish you weren't so generous with your cock.
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Angelique
Do you believe in love?
Joe Gideon
I believe in saying, "I love you." It helps you concentrate.
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Joe Gideon
[to Audrey, while heading for surgery]
If I die, I'm sorry for all the bad things I did to you.
[turns to Kate]
Joe Gideon
And if I live, I'm sorry for all the bad things I'm gonna do to you.
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[last lines]
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[repeated line]
Joe Gideon
Don't bullshit a bullshitter.
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Davis Newman
There's a lady in Chicago, man, wrote a book - Dr Kübler-Ross, with a dash. This chick, man, without the benefit of dying herself, has broken the process of dying into five stages: anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Sounds like a Jewish law firm. "Good morning, Anger Denial Bargaining Depression Acceptance!"
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Joe Gideon
Sometimes I don't know where the bullshit ends and the truth begins.
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O'Connor Flood
Folks! What can I tell you about my next guest? This cat allowed himself to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched by failure in his personal relationship bag, now - that's where he really bombed. And he came to believe that show business, work, love, his whole life, even himself and all that jazz, was bullshit. He became numero uno game player - uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended, and the reality began. Like, to this cat, the only reality - is death, man. Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you a so-so entertainer, not much of a humanitarian, and this cat was never *nobody's* friend. In his final appearance on the great stage of life - uh, you can applaud if you wanna - Mr. Joe Gideon!
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[Kate has just finished setting up a dinner date, probably to make Joe jealous]
Joe Gideon
Who was that?
Kate Jagger
Michael Graham.
Joe Gideon
Who is Michael Graham?
Kate Jagger
A dancer in my ballet class.
Joe Gideon
Straight or gay?
Kate Jagger
What do you mean?
Joe Gideon
I mean, is he looking to get laid or is he looking for Mr. Right?
Kate Jagger
He's straight.
Joe Gideon
And tall...
[turns to leave]
[leaves the room slowly but comes running back]
Joe Gideon
[laughing]
God damn it, how dare you use my phone! My phone! To call someone who is not gay!
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Michelle Gideon
It's just that I keep wondering, Dad. Why don't you get married again?
Joe Gideon
I don't get married again because I can't find anyone I dislike enough to inflict that kind of torture on.
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Joe Gideon
No, nothing I ever do is good enough. Not beautiful enough, it's not funny enough, it's not deep enough, it's not anything enough. Now, when I see a rose, that's perfect. I mean, that's perfect. I want to look up to God and say, "How the hell did you do that? And why the hell can't I do that?"
Angelique
Now that's probably one of your better con lines.
Joe Gideon
Yeah, it is. But that doesn't mean I don't mean it.
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[first lines]
Joe Gideon
To be on the wire is life. The rest is waiting.
Angelique
That's very theatrical, Joe.
Joe Gideon
Yeah, I know.
Angelique
Did you make that up?
Joe Gideon
I wish I had. Do you like it?
Angelique
Eh, it's all right.
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Joe Gideon
[to God, while wandering the hospital after surgery]
What's the matter? Don't you like musical comedy?
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Paul Dann
[after dancer strips during rehearsal of "Take Off With Us"]
Now Sinatra will never record it.
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Assistant Insurance Man
You could be the first show on Broadway to make a profit... without ever really opening!
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Joe Gideon
A great entertainer.
O'Connor Flood
A great entertainer...
Joe Gideon
A great humanitarian.
O'Connor Flood
A great humanitarian...
Joe Gideon
And my dear friend for 25 years.
O'Connor Flood
And my dearest, dearest friend for 20 years.
Kate Jagger
Joe, you love show business.
Joe Gideon
Oh that's right. I love show business. I'll go either way.
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Davis Newman
You know what death with dignity is, man? You don't drool.
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O'Connor Flood
[singing]
Give it to me! Bye Bye Life, Bye Bye happiness, Hello loneliness, I think he's gonna die. Gonna die. Bye Bye Life, Bye Bye happiness, Hello emptiness, I think he's gonna die. Gonna die. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Goodbye your life, Goodbye...
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Victoria
Well, you're right. I'm terrible. I know I'm terrible. I look at the mirror and I'm ashamed. Maybe I should quit. I just can't seem to do anything right.
Joe Gideon
Listen. I can't make you a great dancer. I don't even know if I can make you a good dancer. But, if you keep trying and don't quit, I know I can make you a better dancer. I'd like very much to do that. Stay?
Victoria
Are you going to keep yelling at me?
Joe Gideon
Probably.
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Joe Gideon
[after a run-through, for VIPS, of a critical number in the show he's rehearsing]
Ooh, I don't think they liked it... what do you think?
Audrey Paris
[not smiling]
I don't know about the others... but I think it's the best work you've ever done - you son of a bitch.
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Autograph Seeker
Are you
[hesitates]
Autograph Seeker
Lucas Sergeant?
[he nods]
Autograph Seeker
Could I have your autograph? I'm an actress, too. You're my favorite director, after Joe Gideon. I'm so sorry your show was a flop.
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Davis Newman
Oh, God! I'm dying! I'm paying $240 a day for the hospital room! At those prices, man, who can afford to live?
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Audrey Paris
Quick. Tell me. What was the name of the girl in Philadelphia, the blonde with the television show?
Joe Gideon
Ah, the blonde with the television show. The blonde with the television show in Philadelphia? I remember that girl's name. I remember that girl's name because that girl meant something to me. The blonde with the television show - her name was Sweetheart!
Joe Gideon
Honey?
Audrey Paris
Nope.
Joe Gideon
Baby.
[introspective]
Joe Gideon
I can't remember her name.
Joe Gideon
Who cares? I can't remember her name.
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Joe Gideon
Stop smiling! Lay back. Lay back. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Candy, Casey very good. You're gonna do it again Victoria. Gary, Danny, let's go. Stop smiling, its not the high school play. Count! Hold it. Stand on your right foot. Point your left toe. Drop that shoulder. Now, that's not too hard is it? Again!
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Jonesy Hecht
[condescending]
And you, a son to me.
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Angelique
You're a real drinker, aren't you, Joe?
Joe Gideon
Yeah.
Angelique
Also heavy into speed, aren't you?
Joe Gideon
Yeah.
Angelique
Also sleep with a great many women.
Joe Gideon
Real turn-off, huh?
Angelique
Just the opposite.
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Joe Gideon
I always look for the worst in other people.
Angelique
A little of yourself in them?
Joe Gideon
A little of myself. And generally, I find it.
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Davis Newman
You know, man, death is really a hip thing now. But we all have very different feelings about it. I mean, for instance, to a Catholic, death is a promotion.
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Joe Gideon
I really screwed up that marriage. Because I cheated. Oh, man, I cheated every chance I could get.
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Joe Gideon
OK, now, all I wanna do now is to read easily - easily through the script, and, frankly, I'm not too familiar with it myself. So if we go through it, then you'll give Paul and me some rough idea of what we've got. Okay, no - no acting. Everyone just take it easy. Easy. All right, lights up. Audrey, you have your first number, and then you begin reading on page - page two.
Audrey Paris
You see, Sammy, in California, everybody needs a car. I got a friend who bought a Mercedes just to get to the bathroom.
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Jonesy Hecht
[about the Airotica number]
It's uh... uh... interesting.
Ted Christopher
Very interesting.
Joe Gideon
You liked it?
Jonesy Hecht
It's unusual.
Ted Christopher
Very unusual.
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Joe Gideon
I'll make up my mind about the men later. But, I know which girls I want now: Candy, Casey, Rima, Jennifer and Victoria Porter.
Paul Dann
The one in the shocking-pink leotard?
Joe Gideon
Yeah and see if any of those are willing to be swing dancers.
Paul Dann
She's tone-deaf, Joey.
Joe Gideon
With those legs, who cares?
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Fan Dancer
Fan Dancer, Fan Dancer, Fan Dancer, Fan Dancer, Fan Dancer, Fan Dancer, Fan Dancer: [singing] You had your way, Now you must pay, We're glad that you're sorry now.
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Michelle Gideon
I think lesbian scenes are a *big* turn-off.
Joe Gideon
You're right. I shoulda cut it.
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Joe Gideon
The pain is gone. I'm okay. Nothing wrong with me, a rewrite of the show wouldn't cure. A couple of good jokes is what I need.
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Joshua Penn
[watching umpteenth rough cut of Gideon's stand-up film]
It *is* better. Oh, God, it *is* better.
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Stacy
Oh, Joe, I really like it, I think it's really funny.
Joe Gideon
Who asked *you*, Stacy?
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Paul Dann
God, I hope he doesn't pick her. She's uglier than a witch's tit.
Ted Christopher
The expression is "colder than a witch's tit".
Paul Dann
How would you know, Ted? You've never seen a woman's tit in your life.
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Kate Jagger
Joe, I don't wanna go out with Michael Graham. I don't want a date. I have no more small talk left. I don't wanna fool around, I don't wanna play games, and I don't wanna fight. I just want to love you.
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Victoria
I want so to be a movie star.
Joe Gideon
Oh?
Victoria
Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to see my face on the screen - 40 feet wide.
Joe Gideon
Oh, yeah?
Victoria
"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." You're looking at my nose, aren't you? It's crooked. It goes to the left. See? I mean, like, I could always have that fixed. Like that. Do you think I could be? You know, a movie star. In the movies.
Joe Gideon
Well, that's - I don't know anybody that could answer that question. It's - it's a very freaky business, you know?
Victoria
Yeah, I know all about that, but, like, I wanna know what *you* think. Do you think I could be a movie star?
Joe Gideon
No.
Victoria
Even with a nose job?
[Joe shakes his head no]
Victoria
Well, that's fair. Like you said, it is a freaky business, though. You know, you could be wrong, right?
Joe Gideon
Right!
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Joshua Penn
Joey, the whole thing has gotta stop. It has to stop. It's got to stop! It just simply must stop!
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Paul Dann
Jesus Christ! Sex, sex, sex! Can't he ever think of anything else but sex?
Ted Christopher
That's his sickness.
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Michelle Gideon
That was the first R-rated movie I ever saw and I loved it.
Joe Gideon
Did you understand it?
Michelle Gideon
Well, I understood everything except the part where the two girls were in bed together and they were kissing. What was that supposed to mean?
Joe Gideon
Is dinner ready yet?
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Davis Newman
Look, man, can we - come here, come here - can we sit down and talk about this like businessmen? A negotiation, okay? Look, I don't want to haggle. You'll find me a reasonable man, man. The blonde, the one on East 63rd Street, yes, I see on Tuesday nights, right? Gone. Finished. I'll never see her again. That's it! Alright, no more hard drugs. A little grass, maybe, but that's it. Okay, all right, look, man, I promise I won't flash on subways any more, okay? We got a deal? Huh? Huh? Huh?
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Joe Gideon
I once tried living with two girls... two girls at once. We lived together!
Menage Partner #1
Laughed together!
Fan Dancer
Drank together!
Menage Partner #1
Smoked together!
Fan Dancer
Slept together!
Joe Gideon
Woke up one morning... one of them was gone! On the bureau, she left a note.
Menage Partner #1
I'm sorry. I cannot share you anymore. I want you all to myself, or not at all. Please... please try to understand!
Joe Gideon
I not only understood, I was flattered! I was flattered that she felt so strongly about me!
Angelique
How do you know the note was to you?
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O'Connor Flood
This is the man who would be my first choice as a modern-day saint. When I was in those marches, like Selma, this brother was shufflin' right alongside me, long before those other cats who thought that civil rights was a hip scene and jumped on the black wagon.
[laughs]
O'Connor Flood
The black wagon!
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Davis Newman
I'm telling you, Gideon, I got real insight into you. There's a deep rooted fear of being conventional.
Joe Gideon
Right.
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Kate Jagger
Kate Jagger, Audrey Paris, Michelle Gideon: [singing] Ya better stop, Ya better change, Ya better stop, Ya better change, Ya better stop, Ya better change, Ya better stop, Ya better change, Ya better stop and change your ways today, I said stop! Change! Stop!
Kate Jagger
Please.
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Jonesy Hecht
This morning he said he could hardly wait. Said he had a lot of new ideas.
Ted Christopher
And not all that sex stuff, either.
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Davis Newman
That sex thing, Jesus. Listen, l wouldn't say you were a faggot, but you do have a lot of feminine characteristics, right?
Joe Gideon
Right.
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Principal Dancer
[during the Air Rotica dance number]
My name is Candace.
Principal Dancer
My name is Jennifer.
Principal Dancer
My name is Rima.
Principal Dancer
My name is Danny.
Principal Dancer
My name is Autumn.
Principal Dancer
My name is Sandahl.
Principal Dancer
My name is John.
Principal Dancer
My name is Gary. And don't forget about our group fun, fun, fun plan!
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Davis Newman
l got insight into you, Gideon. You know what's underneath? The dreadful fear that you're ordinary, not special.
Joe Gideon
Right.
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Jonesy Hecht
[during a preview of the Air Rotica dance number]
Uh-oh. I think we just lost the family audience.
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Joshua Penn
The brass is eating my ass out!
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Dr. Ballinger
Mr. Gideon is having severe attacks of angina that could lead to a massive coronary.
Joe Gideon
Oh, shit! I gotta get to rehearsals. I'm fine. What do doctors know?
Dr. Ballinger
About angina, a *little* more than show people, Mr. Gideon.
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