The Nutty Professor Movie Quotes
Mama Klump
Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an appointment and go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.
Papa Klump
You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine.
[lets a loud fart, and Ernie Klump Jr. laughs harder and harder]
Papa Klump
There. Now my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean.
Mama Klump
Cletus, that is disgusting. We're tryin' to have a meal and you wanna start breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.
Papa Klump
Don't tell me to stop! You're the one that brought up colon cleansin' and all that mess!
Mama Klump
I did not say anything about breakin' gas! I said I was going to get my colon cleaned.
Papa Klump
Don't you talk about putting a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.
Mama Klump
I didn't say nothing about putting no hose up nobody's ass. Cletus, I said...
Papa Klump
What you think a colonic is? You think you're gonna run your asshole by the car wash?
[Ernie Jr. starts choking from eating and out-of-control laughter]
Mama Klump
You're choking the baby.
Papa Klump
As long as I pay the bills, I do what I want at this table. Case in point.
[lets another loud fart]
Grandma Klump
Who's that calling my name?
Mama Klump
Yeah, I'll call you up if your name is...
[farts in finishing his sentence, then laughs in mockery]
Grandma Klump
Keep insulting me.
[picks up a knife]
Grandma Klump
I'll toss this between the crack of your ass.
Papa Klump
Yeah. You know, I can go all night.
[lets another loud fart]
Mama Klump
Keep farting. I hope you fart until your asshole falls out.
[Cletus lets another fart, Ernie Sr laughs loudly and then Ernie Jr. manages to follow along]
Mama Klump
Oh, my baby too!
[Cletus lets another loud fart that this time sounds wet]
Papa Klump
Oops! Now, see what you made me do?
[starts running away clutching his pants]
Papa Klump
Goddamn it, I messed up my pants!
Ernie Klump
Damn, Daddy. You rotten.
Mama Klump
You've got to clean 'em yourself!
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Grandma Klump
Come on, Cletus! It ain't nuthin' but a short walk. You might walk over, but you limpin' back! I ain't no easy win, nigga!
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Buddy Love
What's wrong with that breath? I can smell it over here! Reggie, your breath is so stinky, people look forward to your farts. Breath smells like shit! Do you smell shit?
[sniffs]
Buddy Love
I SMELL SHIT!
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[Sherman has bloated back into himself after being Buddy Love at the banquet]
Sherman Klump
If you give me a moment, I believe I can try to explain. My research is, um... Well, I... When I started out, I wanted to help people. But then I became desperate and selfish. And what I did was wrong. Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be. He's who I thought I wanted to be. And sometimes when you want something so so bad, you'll do just about anything to get it. But I learned one thing from Buddy. I learned that life is not about being happy about how much you weigh, but just being happy with yourself. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening. Please excuse me.
[to Carla]
Sherman Klump
Sorry.
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Mama Klump
Cletus, come clean this garbage up.
Papa Klump
Man, I'm watchin' TV!
Grandma Klump
I'll kick your lazy ass up.
Papa Klump
I told you, none of your damn business!
Grandma Klump
You lazy mother...!
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[Buddy stands up]
Buddy Love
All right!
[Buddy claps his hands once]
Buddy Love
Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole!
[everyone in the room except Reggie roars with laughter]
Buddy Love
All right! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch!
[everyone except Reggie laughs louder]
[everyone except Reggie laughs even louder]
Buddy Love
Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!
[everyone in the room, except Reggie roars with laughter. Buddy climbs onto the stage]
[laughs]
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Sherman Klump
I assure you, I will not let you down.
Dean Richmond
You won't. I know you won't. As a matter of fact, I know you're going to be perfect! Do you know how I know all these things? I know them because if you're *not* perfect, never mind the yelling, the screaming and the firing. If anything goes wrong, for any reason
[pause]
Dean Richmond
I'm going to kill you. And I don't mean that as a euphemism, I am going to literally kill you. I'm going to strangle you and choke off your air supply until you pass away.
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Sherman Klump
Daddy, all I'm saying is that scientific breakthroughs are occurring all the time.
Ernie Klump
The only thing that's 'bout to break through is your ass 'bout to break through the seat of your pants.
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Wellman College Alumni
[pushes away]
Ugh! How dare you!
Buddy Love
Oh, you know you love it. I felt your percolating.
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Mama Klump
Cletus, the dog's ripped the garbage open again!
Papa Klump
Well, shoot the damn dog!
Mama Klump
I'm not shootin' no dog!
Papa Klump
I'm tryin' to watch "Roseanne."
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Buddy Love
Reggie's mother is so fat... her blood type is rocky road!
[everyone cheers except Reggie]
Buddy Love
Last one! Reggie's mother's so fat... HER BELT SIZE IS EQUATOR!
[everyone except Reggie loudly roars with laughter]
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Buddy Love
Oh, you mean rich dummy terms? I'll break it down. All the rich dummies in the room, listen up! If you gonna eat nasty stuff like this.
[Picks up a pork chop]
Buddy Love
I know it looks good and I know how many of you here like pork chop. But this greasy, nasty pork chop, you know there's a gene in your DNA that routes this straight to your fat cells, and it causes all sorts of sightly conditions. Case in point, this woman has what I like to call jello arms...
[shakes a fat lady's arm]
Buddy Love
...you notice the arm has taken on a gelatin sort of vibe. Quite nasty.
[moves to a man at another table]
Buddy Love
And to my left, this gentleman has turkey neck,
[Moves to the woman next to him]
Buddy Love
to my immediate left, this young lady is suffering from what we like to call saddlebag syndrome,
[moves to the woman next to her]
Buddy Love
and to my extreme left, this lady is suffering from what we like to call... tank ass.
[the woman's husband gets up]
Buddy Love
Yo, not tonight, man.
[escorts him back into his seat]
Buddy Love
I'm your brother, I'm your brother. Like I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, where there's a will, there's a way, and there is a way we can turn these genes off, and I don't mean by using exercise or diet, I'm talking about by taking a simple solution, which helps reconstruct your metabolic cellular strands, thus giving you the appearance of,
[picks a nice lady]
Buddy Love
as they say in medical terms... gluteus minimus, or in layman's terms, an extremely tight, wonderful ass. Let's give it up for the woman with the nice ass.
[a few of the other people applaud]
Buddy Love
She's worked so hard, don't you agree? Have a seat, have a seat. Wow, everybody has a nice ass at this table, is this the nice ass section?
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[Professor Sherman Klump grunts and groans trying to fit his obese frame into an office chair; he finally gets comfortable and sighs with relief]
Dean Richmond
Comfy?
Sherman Klump
Quite.
Dean Richmond
Anything I can get for you? Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?
Sherman Klump
No, sir, I'm fine.
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Buddy Love
[making fun of Reggie's hair]
Reggie, I heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks? That ain't you hair, man. Take that pile of shit off your head.
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Reggie Warrington
Women be shoppin'! You cannot stop a woman from shoppin'!
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Buddy Love
Someone has to tend to Chunky Butt's sex life. Chunky Butt is extremely horny.
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Sherman Klump
The truth is, Carla, I'm a big man. Now I will lose weight, but I'm always gonna be big no matter what I do. So anyone I end up with is just going to have to accept me for who I am. More importantly, I'm going to have to accept *myself* for who I am.
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[Cletus farting at dinner with his family and in front of Carla, Ernie Jr laughing]
Grandma Klump
There you go again, popping off gas in front of this lovely young lady.
Mama Klump
We're trying to have a meal, you want to put that break on your gas!
Grandma Klump
Shame on you. I hope your ass turn into a frog.
Papa Klump
She ain't that cute that I have to hold that gas in my ass!
Mama Klump
Don't nobody want to hear your flatulence, Cletus Klump!
[Cletus lets a fart]
Mama Klump
You're such a disgrace!
Papa Klump
I stopped holding my gas a long time ago, you know that?
Mama Klump
Cletus, you're gonna spoil the dinner table at everybody!
Papa Klump
You say one more word...
Mama Klump
Look at how y'all influenced this baby.
[Ernie Jr continues laughing and Sherman puts his hands on his head]
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Sherman Klump
I'm thin! I'm thin! Look at my cheekbones! I have cheekbones! Look at my cheekbones! Yes! Look at my chest! Look at my breasts! Oh, I don't have breasts! I'm an A cup! I don't even need a bra anymore! Oh, God! I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin! I'm thin, I'm thin, oh!
[singing]
Sherman Klump
Nothing but air there/Nothing but air there/My ass is gone now/I'm slim, slim, slim, slim--
[looks down his pants]
Sherman Klump
Well, I'll be damned. I can see my dick! My dick! My dick, my dick, my dick...
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Papa Klump
You can sew up your stomach and your asshole and you will always be fat.
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Buddy Love
Shut up! Who you think you talkin' to, Sherman Klump? Man, if you ever talk to me like that again, I'll kill you. And I don't mean it as euphemism, I'm gonna literally kill you. I'm gonna *strangle* you and cut off *your* air supply until *you* pass away.
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Professor Carla Purty
I just had to come over and introduce myself because I've been following your work for many years and I'm a big fan!
Sherman Klump
Well, thank you very much! I'm fatter, er, *flattered* that you've been following my work the way you have.
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Grandma Jensen
Don't give me none o' dem mashed potatoes, you know mashed potatoes give me gas.
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Grandma Klump
[starts coughing heavily]
Papa Klump
Everybody better cover your plate.
Mama Klump
Here, Mama, have some water.
Grandma Klump
Whatcha talkin' about, cover your plate? Not tonight, Cletus. I'll kick your ass.
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Reggie Warrington
Boy's ass is so fat, he's got more crack than Harlem!
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[the three ladies are in the vanity room freshening up after having dinner with Buddy Love]
Sexy Girl
He talked to me first!
Sexy Girl
Hey, I'm the one with the 'gluteus minimus'.
Sexy Girl
Will you guys just chill? He said he could handle all three of us. And with a name like Buddy Love, I bet he can.
[Carla stands out the doorway listening to them]
[Carla slaps him very hard in the face]
[Carla walks away in disgust]
Professor Carla Purty
[points at the three girls]
They're my problem! And you can handle all three of them, huh?
Buddy Love
Oh, well, I thought after dinner you might want to have a little group activity. I mean, after all, Buddy does have a lot of love to give!
Professor Carla Purty
Oh, you are one sick, twisted FREAK!
[Carla storms out]
Buddy Love
Oh, come on, Carla what's the--hey! Hey! Go on, leave, there's more titties over here anyway!
[the three girls giggle with Buddy]
Buddy Love
Think I want them two titties, I have six titties. I had two titties, now I have six. That's multiplication.
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Mama Klump
When the good Lord made you, He made you beautiful inside and out.
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Buddy Love
I've got a date at the Alumni Ball, and you've got a date with linoleum.
Jason
Who?
[Buddy punches Jason, who falls to the floor in a heap]
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Mama Klump
Sherman, I brought you some nice fried chicken! Oh, you're so fabulous!
[laughs]
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[sees they are about to head into a bus]
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Reggie Warrington
Boy's so fat, when he goes outside with a red shirt on, all the kids in the neighbourhood shout Kool Aid!
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Papa Klump
[When Sherman is 'fighting' Buddy on the stage]
Someone had better go and call the exorcist!
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Dean Richmond
Oh, with you, it's always business. Let's get to know each other, man-to-man. Now, if our files are correct, you and your fabulous wife have a terrific daughter!
Harlan Hartley
I'm divorced and my daughter is in rehab.
Dean Richmond
So, you're saying our files are NOT correct?
Harlan Hartley
[annoyed]
Listen, you pompous butt-kisser: I have a check in my pocket for $10,000,000, and your Buddy Love has till midnight to prove that formula works.
Dean Richmond
He'll be there, the formula works, and you have the check. Really? On you now? Because on behalf of--which pocket? No, don't tell me, let me smell it.
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Lance
You're not pathetic! People! Pounds do not lose themselves! You have to work! Work! Work! Everybody up! Get up! You, too, at home. Everybody up and say...
[with audience]
Lance
Yes, I can!
[alone]
Lance
Say it again.
[with audience]
Lance
Yes, I can!
Sherman Klump
[determined] Yes, I can!
[stomps on the floor]
Sherman Klump
Yes, I can! Yes...!
Mr. Wilson
Quiet down, damn it!
Sherman Klump
Sorry 'bout that down there, Mr. Wilson!
Mr. Wilson
Klump, shut up!
Sherman Klump
[sets to work] I can!
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Grandma Klump
I know a good church down there on Main Street, but they won't marry you if you're a lesbian.
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Buddy Love
Spandex! All spandex!
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Mama Klump
Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!
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Reggie Warrington
[as a giant Sherman comes through the city]
Run for the hills, everyone, it's Fatzilla!
[chuckles]
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Reggie Warrington
Boy's so fat, when they cut his ass open with a pen-knife, it bleed chocolate milk! What would you do for a Klondike bar?
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Mama Klump
[Entering the dining room, holding a bowl of mashed potatoes]
Oh, this is so fabulous. Ain't nothing like getting together with family and having a good meal. Ooh, Cletus, take this bowl, this is hot.
Grandma Klump
I am hungry.
Papa Klump
Godamn, Sherman! It's almost like we don't see your ass no more. Good to see you, son.
Ernie Klump
Yeah, Sherman. You think you're too Joe College good to spend a little time with your family every now and then?
Sherman Klump
Well, I've been real busy with my research.
Grandma Klump
I don't want no potatoes. You know mashed potatoes give me gas. You know, Sherman, in my day, people used to spend time with their family on Sundays and special occasions, come around and pay their respects.
Ernie Klump
You mess around and miss all little Ernie's golden years, you gon' be mad at yourself. You'll never...
Ernie Klump
Now, grandma just needs a peppermint.
Mama Klump
Mama, have some water.
Grandma Klump
[to Cletus]
What you talking about? Cover your plates? No, not tonight, Cletus. I'll kick your ass.
Mama Klump
Sherman, I cooked all this food. Is that all your gonna eat?
Papa Klump
Hey hey hey hey! What's wrong with you? You supposed to eat thing, not scalp it!
Sherman Klump
Well, Daddy, all the calories in the chicken are found in the skin and the fat. So, I just...
Papa Klump
--Man, what you talking about? That's where all the fats and calories is? You know where that comes from? Watching that damn T.V.! Every time you turn it on, they got somebody talking about lose weight, get healthy, get in shape. Everybody looking all anorexic, talking about that's healthy. I know what healthy is. And tell you something else, I don't know why everybody trying to lose weight in the first place. Ain't everybody supposed to be the same size. We're all supposed to be different. Big, small, medium, midgets. You supposed to have all of that. I don't know what it is everybody wants to be the same size, like that Oprah Winfrey. She gon' lose her weight. Wasn't nothing wrong with her, she was fine. Oprah was a fox. She lose all that weight, her head look all big, skin hanging all over. And Luther Vandross. Nigga used to be the black Pavarotti. Lost all that weight, looking all ashy. Oprah and Luther need to keep they ass one weight 'cause I'm confused.
Mama Klump
Yeah, I hope there's nothing wrong with Oprah. She doesn't look well.
Grandma Klump
Ain't nothing wrong with Oprah. I saw Oprah on Hard Copy last week. Was the picture of health. Got her a tall, young, strong gentleman named Steadman. So handsome. She's my favorite out all of them. Jenny Jones, Marilyn Kagan, Maury Povich, Letterman, Leno, Montell, Ricki Lake.
Ernie Klump
I like Geraldo.
Grandma Klump
Mike Douglas. Oh, Mike Douglas. You know, Mike Douglas used to make me moist when I watched his show. I would get, I admit I would get moist when I watched his show. The only white man ever did that to me was Mike Douglas.
Papa Klump
I would like to volunteer to take this old bird out of her misery.
Grandma Klump
Oh no, you ain't gotta protect me from Cletus.
[to Cletus]
Grandma Klump
Come on, Cletus. Come on. Come over here. Come on, it ain't anything but a short walk. Come on over. But then, you're gonna limp back. You walk over, but you're limping back. Don't, don't let the gray hair fool ya. I ain't no easy win, nigga.
Ernie Klump
[to Sherman]
You know what you're problem is? You don't work out. Gotta exercise. Look at me. That's all muscle.
Mama Klump
Oh!
Ernie Klump
You fat, I'm muscle.
Mama Klump
[as Ernie Jr. flexes]
Oh, look at my little... he's a little Hercules. Show me muscle again. Oh. Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!
Ernie Klump
[to Sherman]
Once you work out, your metabolism starts to speed up, you can eat anything you want. Go on, knock yourself out.
Sherman Klump
[to Ernie Sr]
Recent studies have shown that certain people are genetically predisposed to gaining weight. Someday in the near future, we might even find a cure.
Papa Klump
Only thing you need to study is your ass. I got a big ass. Yo' Mama got a big ass.
Mama Klump
Cletus!
Papa Klump
You do have a big ass! Don't tell me nothing. Yeah, asses is big in our family. So you need to get used to that and I don't care what diet you go on, you can sew up your stomach and your asshole, you gon' always be fat.
Sherman Klump
Daddy, all I'm trying to say is that scientific breakthroughs are occurring all the time.
Ernie Klump
The only thing about to breaky through is your ass about to break through the seat of your pants.
Mama Klump
You know, Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on T.V. about colon cleansing. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinking about getting my appointment and going down and getting my colon cleansed thoroughly.
Papa Klump
You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gon' clean mine.
[He farts]
Papa Klump
Yeah, now, my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean.
Mama Klump
Every time we have a meal, you break gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.
Papa Klump
Don't tell me to stop. You the one that brought up colon cleansing and all that mess.
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Professor Carla Purty
Sherman, is that you? Are you all right?
Sherman Klump
No, my cleaning lady is, uh--cleaning lady's sick, so I got to clean up myself.
Professor Carla Purty
I see. You sure she didn't die?
[Carla and Sherman laugh at this until Sherman hears a toilet flushing coming from one of the ladies Buddy had slept with]
Sherman Klump
Look, I'm kind of embarrassed about the way how my place is looking. So, why don't I clean up and get back with you a little later.
Professor Carla Purty
No, no, no, Sherman, Sherman, I need to talk to you, NOW. And it's about Buddy.
Professor Carla Purty
He's an egotistical PIG and I wish I never met him. But, Sherman, I owe you a very big apology.
Sherman Klump
You owe me an apology?
Professor Carla Purty
Yes. Last night, I was only trying to help, I insisted that Buddy Love speak to Harlan Hartley. He took ALL the credit for your research. Now Dean Richmond...
Sexy Girl
Where's Buddy?
[Carla and Sherman see one of the ladies Buddy slept with wearing a camisole and standing outside Sherman's bedroom door looking suspicious and upset]
Professor Carla Purty
Buddy came here?
Professor Carla Purty
So, what's this? You guys--you guys share girls?
Sherman Klump
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Professor Carla Purty
I guess I was next on the list.
Sherman Klump
Oh, no, Carla, you don't understand!
[Carla storms out]
Sherman Klump
Carla, will you please just listen to me? I assure you, it is not what it appears to be!
Professor Carla Purty
And you're no better than he is! You are just as sick as Buddy, and I don't want to see YOU or HIM again!
Sherman Klump
Carla, please just listen! Carla!
[Carla slams the door and Sherman sees a little note on it]
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[Sherman is flipping through channels]
Fit Woman
[on TV]
I lost ten pounds in two weeks! Thanks Mega Shake!
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Jason
[seeing Buddy revert to Sherman while in the car with him]
Oh, man! This is Freddy Krueger shit, man!
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Papa Klump
Hey! That's strike two.
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Papa Klump
You really think I'd be listening to you. I ain't listening to you!
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