Zoolander Movie Quotes
Derek Zoolander
What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?
Mugatu
Derek, this is just a small...
Derek Zoolander
I don't wanna hear your excuses! The building has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
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Derek Zoolander
Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.
Derek Zoolander
If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
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Derek Zoolander
I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.
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Hansel
I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.
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Mugatu
It's that damn Hansel! He's so hot right now!
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Derek Zoolander
Why do you hate models, Matilda?
Matilda
Honestly?
Hansel
Yes.
Matilda
I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
Hansel
I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
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[after he pokes a girl with a pin]
Mugatu
Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now!
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Derek Zoolander
But why male models?
J.P. Prewitt
Are you serious? I just told you that a moment ago.
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J.P. Prewitt
Male models don't think for themselves.
Derek Zoolander
That's not true!
J.P. Prewitt
Yes it is, Derek.
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Derek Zoolander
I'm sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.
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Mugatu
SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? You've done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will! Die, you wage-hiking scum!
[the Prime Minister gasps in surprise then wields his weapon to kill him]
Derek Zoolander
One look? ONE LOOK? I don't think so!
[Mugatu flings "M" shaped shuriken at the Prime Minister, the crowd was in shock while the shuriken was still flying and Derek rushes to save and turns left to feel like Magnum]
Hansel
There it is.
Todd
Magnum.
Larry Zoolander
Holy Moly.
Maury Ballstein
Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waiting for!
Mugatu
Dear god, it's beautiful.
[as Derek freezes the "M" shaped shuriken and drops it into the ground, then the crowd cheered and Maury smiles happily.]
Larry Zoolander
Yeah, Yeah!
[the cameras flicker and Mugatu gets arrested by guards and falls into the ground]
Larry Zoolander
That's my kid. That's my son.
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Derek Zoolander
There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman".
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Hansel
I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
Derek Zoolander
I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
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Matilda
When I was in 7th grade, I was... the fat kid in my class.
Derek Zoolander
Ew!
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Hansel
So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
Derek Zoolander
And?
Hansel
And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
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Derek Zoolander
Or are you here to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?
Matilda
A what?
Derek Zoolander
A eugoogoolizer... one who speaks at funerals.
[Matilda looks at Derek confused]
Derek Zoolander
Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?
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Matilda
Derek that was unbelievable!
Derek Zoolander
I know! I turned left!
Matilda
Yeah, that too, but Derek, you saved the prime minister of Malaysia!
Derek Zoolander
Oh, right, cool.
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Larry Zoolander
I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
Derek Zoolander
Mer-man!
[high-pitched cough]
Derek Zoolander
Mer-man!
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[a judge is needed for the "walk-off"]
David Bowie
If nobody has any objections, I believe I might be of service.
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Matilda
I've been trying to reach you for a week.
Derek Zoolander
A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
Matilda
That was last Friday.
Derek Zoolander
Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?
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Hansel
Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool dude!
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Hansel
This has been an emotional day for all of us. I think we should get naked.
Matilda
What?
Hansel
Don't ask questions. Just give in to the power of the tea.
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Derek Zoolander
I'm not an ambi-turner.
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Hansel
Excuse me, bra.
Derek Zoolander
You're excused, and I'm not your bra!
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[Talking about the files]
Hansel
They're *in* the computer?
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J.P. Prewitt
The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?
Derek Zoolander
Mugatu!
J.P. Prewitt
[pauses]
Slaves, Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.
Matilda
Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.
J.P. Prewitt
You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll sure as shit were!
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Derek Zoolander
So join now, 'cause at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. Right kids?
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VH1 Reporter
Derek, are you worried about Hansel?
Derek Zoolander
Uhh, not as much as I'm worried about Gretel.
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Brint
Brint, Meekus, Rufus: [in unison] Orange Mocha Frappuccino!
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Derek Zoolander
Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's right? But they won't be looking for... not us.
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Derek Zoolander
Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking "wow, you're ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career."
Matilda
Do what for a career?
Derek Zoolander
Be professionally good looking.
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Mugatu
Hansel... so hot right now... Hansel.
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Mugatu
[hypnotizing Derek]
Hi Derek! My name's Little Cletus and I'm here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok? They're silly and outdated. Why back in the 30s, children as young as five could work as they pleased; from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hurray!
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Derek Zoolander
How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?
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Derek Zoolander
You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite... you aren't.
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Mugatu
Do as you are trained... AND KILL THE MALAYSIAN PRIME MINISTER!
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Maury Ballstein
I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories.
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David Bowie
Now, this'll be a straight walk-off, old school rules. First model walks; second model duplicates, then elaborates. Okay, boys - let's go to work!
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Brint
Or the way Hansel combs his hair?
Meekus
Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?
Brint
I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.
Meekus
Uh, earth to Brint, I was making a joke.
Brint
Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay I knew that!
Meekus
Uh earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all 'well I'm sure he's heard of styling gel' like you *didn't* know it was a joke!
Brint
I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!
Meekus
Earth to Brint...
Derek Zoolander
Would you guys stop it already?
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Derek Zoolander
Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?
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Protestor
Mugatu! Screw you and your little dog too!
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Hansel
I felt like, "This guy's really hurting me." And it hurt.
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Maury Ballstein
Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.
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Hansel
Trippin' on acid changed our whole perspective on shit!
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Matilda
What time is it?
Derek Zoolander
Almost five.
Matilda
What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys...
Hansel
Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night."
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Hansel
You is talking loco and I like it!
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Derek Zoolander
How bout I answer your question with another question; how many abo-digitals do you see modelling?
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Hansel
Taste my pain, bitch!
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Maury Ballstein
You want an opinion? With a push-up bra you could have a nice rack of lamb up there.
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Mugatu
They're break-dance fighting.
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[after spitting out and spilling some bad coffee all over his assistant]
Mugatu
Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?
Todd
My mistake, Jacobim!
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Derek Zoolander
[to Winona Ryder]
Look, I gotta go pee, but I'd really like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back.
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Hansel
Who are you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco?
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Billy Zane
It's a walk-off!
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Mugatu
Obey my dog!
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Larry Zoolander
Damnit Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a professional film or television actor.
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Maury Ballstein
What do we do when we fall off the horse?
Maury Ballstein
[looking to supply finish]
... we... get back on!
Derek Zoolander
Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.
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Derek Zoolander
Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am.
Matilda
What?
Derek Zoolander
A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?
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Derek Zoolander
God?
Maury Ballstein
God? What the shit are you talkin' about. It's me, Maury.
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Derek Zoolander
Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.
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Derek Zoolander
Pretty soon, they'll be reading *our* eugoogaly!
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Derek Zoolander
You mean, you haven't...
Matilda
Done it in a while, yeh.
Hansel
Now, what's a while? Like, eight days?
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Hansel
Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out.
Derek Zoolander
Fine.
Hansel
Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Derek Zoolander
Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Hansel
Well, you go first.
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Mugatu
As a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, so must you become Derelicte!
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Derek Zoolander
Who am I?
Derek's Reflection
I don't know.
Derek Zoolander
I guess I have a lot of things to ponder.
Hansel
The results are in, amigo! What's left to ponder?
[Derek stares at Hansel]
Hansel
Nice comeback!
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Derek Zoolander
Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?
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Derek Zoolander
What say we settle this on the runway... Han-Solo?
Hansel
Are you challenging me to a walk-off... Boo-Lander?
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Mugatu
Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.
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Billy Zane
Hey, Derek, back on top, man.
Derek Zoolander
Thanks, Billy. You rock.
Billy Zane
No, you rock. When you gonna drop Magnum on us, buddy?
Derek Zoolander
Not yet. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.
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Mugatu
You have no evidence. Han-stupid destroyed everything.
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Hansel
[while in an interview, dressed in angel's wings]
I hear words like "beauty" and "handsomness" and "incredibly chiseled features" and for me that's like a vanity of self absorption that I try to steer clear of.
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Derek Zoolander
Look, I think I know what this is about and I'm complimented but not interested.
Matilda
What?
Derek Zoolander
I can't sleep with you OK? My head is killing me...
Matilda
What are you talking about?
Derek Zoolander
OK, if you just want to fool around or...
Matilda
WAIT! I don't want to sleep with you!
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Matilda
[to Katinka]
By the way, you were wrong about my outfit. It's the Cheryl Ladd collection and I got it at JC Penney's. On sale!
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Olaf
Cool story, Hansel.
Hansel
Thanks, Olaf.
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Derek Zoolander
What? Are you here to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?
Matilda
A what?
Derek Zoolander
A eugoogoolizer... you know one who speaks at funerals.
[Matilda looks at Derek confused]
Derek Zoolander
Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?
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Derek Zoolander
I'm sorry I was wack.
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[after throwing Matilda into the street from Mugatu's spa]
Katinka
I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit... stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander!
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Maury Ballstein
The designer's got your nuts in a vice! He's offering you three percent for every pair of underwear sold! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO!
Kids
Screw Him! Hold out for more!
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J.P. Prewitt
I'm a hand model, mama. A finger jockey. We think differently than the face and body boys... we're a different breed.
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Hansel
What's the dealio, yo?
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Hansel
The results are in amigo. What's left to ponder?
[Derek glares at him]
Hansel
Nice Comeback! Ha ha.
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Maury Ballstein
For Christ's sake it's a casserole Sheila... it'll stay!
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Hansel
Whatever dude... whatever. Peace. God Bless.
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(Announcer)
...for the past four years, male modeling has had a shadow cast over it by one man and five syllables: Der-ek Zoo-land-er.
[Derek slowly counts the syllables off on his fingers]
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Derek Zoolander
Put a cork in it, Zane!
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Winona Ryder
I just thought the way that you handled losing that award to Hansel and then you started to lay low for awhile and then made your comeback, that was so courageous.
Derek Zoolander
Look, I got to go pee, but I would really like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back.
Winona Ryder
Yeah.
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Katinka
I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense, not one little bit.
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J.P. Prewitt
[as Zoolander runs off, standing on the glass dome covering J.P.'s hand]
You freakin' idiot!
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Derek Zoolander
For serious.
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Mugatu
I'm so tired. No Todd, not now!
Todd
[handing Mugatu the phone]
It's Maury.
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Matilda
I became...
Hansel
What?
Matilda
Bulimic.
Derek Zoolander
You can read minds?
Matilda
It's where you throw up after every meal!
Hansel
Yeah! It's a great way to lose pounds before a show!
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Celebrity Interviewee
He's almost too good looking. And that would put me off in terms of a relationship.
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Derek Zoolander
Oh, Snap!
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Hansel
I friggin' worship you, man.
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Hansel
Deal with that!
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Derek Zoolander
[coughing weakly] Father... I think I'm getting the black lung!
Larry Zoolander
Damn it Derek, you've been in that mine less than 24 hours! Try working there for 30 years!
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Derek Zoolander
Seriously, do you like service yourself ten times a day?
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[first lines]
(Announcer)
And here in Malaysia, there is an almost overwhelming sense of euphoria as the newly-elected prime minister has given this nation a gift of hope promising to raise the substandard minimum wage and end child labor once and for all. Already considered a living saint he has become this small country's greatest hope for a thriving future in the new millennium.
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