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[repeated line]
Joey Tribbiani How you doin'?
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Rachel See? Unisex.
Joey Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago.
Rachel No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.
Joey I wouldn't say no to that.
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[Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms]
Chandler Condoms?
Joey We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.
Chandler And condoms are the way to do that?
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[repeated line]
Ross We were on a break!
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Chandler I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
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Chandler I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.
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Phoebe Look, I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
Monica Phoebe, your mom killed herself.
Phoebe She was a drug dealer.
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Rachel You know, Ben, I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben But you're not anymore. Because you were on a break.
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Joey Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel A moo point?
Joey Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?
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[Ross defends his fast eating habits to Rachel]
Ross I grew up in a house with Monica, okay. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat.
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[Monica knocks]
Chandler You can't come in.
Monica Why not?
Chandler Because, uh, Ross is naked.
Ross What?
Chandler Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked.
Ross Why does *anyone* have to be naked?
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Monica You wanted it to be a surprise.
Chandler Oh, my God.
Monica Chandler, in all my life I never thought I would be so lucky as to fall in love with my best, my best...
[crying]
Monica There's a reason why girls don't do this.
Chandler Okay, okay I'll do it. I thought, wait I can do this, I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?
Monica Yes.
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Janice [repeated line throughout the series] Oh... my... God!
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Phoebe [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.
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Ross What are you doing tonight?
Chandler Why, do you have a lecture?
Ross No.
Chandler Free as a bird, what's up?
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Chandler I got her machine.
Joey Her answering machine?
Chandler No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.
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Ross First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault.
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Ross [frantically presses buttons on answering machine] Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel [from behind] I got off the plane.
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[after hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice]
Phoebe Where's Chandler?
Joey He's grieving.
[We see Chandler running outside]
Chandler I'M FREE. I AM FREE.
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[Rachel is upset about something]
Phoebe Aww Pheebs.
Rachel Honey, that's your name.
Phoebe Oh, Pheebs is short for Phoebe I thought that's just what we called each other.
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[Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"]
Monica Sex!
Chandler Seriously. Answer faster.
Monica I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you.
Chandler It's like a big hug.
Phoebe Ross, how about you? Sex or food?
Ross Sex!
Phoebe What about sex or dinosaurs?
Ross My God, it's like Sophie's Choice.
Phoebe Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?
Joey I don't know it's too hard.
Rachel Come on, you have to answer.
Joey Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!
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Joey I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister. Ya know, when Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for, like, ten years.
Chandler That was five years ago.
Joey I know. You got five more years.
Chandler Joey...
Joey You want to make it six?
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Monica I'm Rachel. I love Ross. I hate Ross. I love Ross. I hate Ross.
Rachel I'm Monica. I can't get a boyfriend so I'll stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find there.
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[Joey just got ordained via the internet so that he could perform Monica and Chandler's wedding]
Joey Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it?
Monica Monica, Chandler: Yeah.
Joey We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.
[Monica and Chandler look impressed]
Joey It is a love based of giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive.
[later]
Joey Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready?
Chandler Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Joey When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here.
Monica How bout receiving?
Joey Yes!
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Rachel I don't want my baby's first words to be "How You Doing"
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Monica Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel Oh, God, ask them what they want.
Monica [on the phone] Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? Yes, hold on.
[to Rachel]
Monica Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.
Rachel But I haven't used my card in weeks.
Monica That is the unusual activity.
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Chandler [to Ross] Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself.
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Joey So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date?
Ross Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather.
Joey They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you.
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[Ross is trying to talk Rachel's boss into giving her her job back so she won't go to Paris; Mr. Zelner has a son who is also named Ross]
Ross Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance?
Mr. Zelner Yeah, they're all he talks about, why?
Ross How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants.
[Mr. Zelner looks shocked]
Ross I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones - fossils!
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Monica Now come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
Chandler They were just giving it away at the mall...
[Monica stares]
Chandler ...in exchange for money.
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Phoebe Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo.
Ross Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name.
Rachel Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French.
Ross That's a great name... for an industrial solvent.
Rachel Ok, you got a better one?
Ross Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin.
Rachel Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard.
Phoebe By Sandrine.
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Monica Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that's ours!
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Rachel Can you take care of Emma just for today?
Ross Sure, just lend me your breasts and we'll be on our way.
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[Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are trapped in Monica's bedroom]
Joey I'm hungry.
Phoebe We could eat the wax. It's organic.
Chandler Oh great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe No, not the used wax.
Chandler Because THAT would be crazy.
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Joey I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films.
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Janice [Janice walks downstairs and finds Monica and Chandler looking at her house] What a small world!
Chandler ...And yet, I never run into Beyonce.
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Chandler We're getting a house.
Monica We're getting a baby.
Chandler We're growing up.
Monica We sure are.
Chandler So who's going to tell them?
Monica Not it.
Chandler Not it. Damn it!
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Monica I think I'd be great in a war. I'd, like, get all the medals.
Chandler Before or after you're executed by your own troops?
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[Chandler's roommate, Eddie has just accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriend and killing his fish]
Phoebe Why would you kill his fish?
Chandler Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.
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[Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby]
Ross OK, how about Ruth?
Rachel Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman?
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Phoebe I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything?
Monica I'll have a latte.
Ross I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf.
Chandler I'll have a bagel with a little...
Phoebe You know I was just being polite.
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[Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes]
[Just been told the patients date of birth]
Joey Age...?
Patient Can't you work that out by my date of birth?
Joey I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.
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[Ross and Rachel are picking out names for their baby, and have each 5 vetoes]
Ross Curie.
Rachel Veto. Rain.
Ross Veto. Mark.
Rachel Veto. Vince.
Ross Veto. Lance.
Rachel Veto. James.
Ross Hmmm...
Rachel If it's a girl.
Ross Veto.
Phoebe Is it just me, or is Vito beginning to sound real good?
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Joey Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you?
Chandler It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!
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Joey Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you. Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.
Chandler You've got waaaay too much free time.
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Rachel ...How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr Long Three.
Ross Just three? I'm dilated three!
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Phoebe Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.
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Chandler Now, remember, Ben, keep your balance.
Ben Thanks, daddy.
Ross No, remember, Ben, two mommies, one daddy.
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Ross I love marriage.
Phoebe Seriously? You?... Divorce-O?
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Phoebe They're coming. Run!
Joey Where?
Phoebe Mexico!
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[Ross and Joey's first meeting]
Ross [glum] My wife's a lesbian.
Joey Cool.
Chandler Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross.
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Chandler All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference.
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Monica Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey I'd probably kill myself.
Monica Excuse me?
Joey Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live.
Ross Uh, Joey... Omnipotent.
Joey You are? Ross, I'm sorry.
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Monica You don't like the game, because you suck at it.
Chandler I don't suck at it. It sucks. And you suck.
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Monica [the Friends are at the beach] Okay, just don't go swimming right after you eat.
Chandler [to Joey] You know that's not really true.
Joey Try telling that to my Uncle Vinnie.
Chandler Why? What happened to him?
Joey Nothing; he just really believes that.
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[Upon hearing Ross practicing the bagpipe for their wedding]
Monica Why must your family be Scottish?
Chandler Why must your family be *Ross*?
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Monica [chasing after him] Chandler. It happens to lots of guys. You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it.
Chandler [motioning with his hands] I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology. Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me.
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Rachel Wha... married?
Ross Well, yeah, I think we should get married!
Rachel What? Because that's your answer to everything?
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Chandler I can't say hump or screw in front of the b-a-b-y... I just spelled the wrong words didn't I?
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Ross [after trying to kiss his cousin]
[thinking]
Ross Say something. Say anything. Nothing you say could make this situation worse. Oh my God, this is the longest that anyone has not spoken EVER.
[actually speaking to his cousin]
Ross I haven't had sex in a very long time.
[thinking again]
Ross Yeah you really shouldn't have said anything.
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Joey You think I need a new walk?
Chandler What?
Joey Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.
Chandler Are you actually saying these words?
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[Joey walks into the Central Perk coffee shop]
Joey Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther I thought you were Chandler.
[Joey looks disturbed]
Gunther [motioning to Chandler] Um, one of you is over there.
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Monica Hey. Where's Joey?
Chandler Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
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Monica Whose little ball of paper is this?
Chandler Oh, it's mine. I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn't need, so I balled it up...
[notices Monica's angry glare]
Chandler And now I wish I was dead.
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Ross What are you doing?
Chandler Making chocolate milk. You want some?
Ross No thanks, I'm 29.
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Ross Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and *won*!
Chandler Ross came fourth and cried!
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[Monica tells the others that she and Chandler won't have any more sex before the wedding]
Ross A no sex pact! I have one of those with every woman in America!
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[after settling a fight between Monica and Rachel]
Phoebe Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches.
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Ross I guess I should have known... we'd be out somewhere, and a beautiful woman would go by, and Carol would go, "Ross, look at her." And I'd think, "My wife is cool."
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Chandler And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup?
Joey Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.
Chandler That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.
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Joey Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it'
[Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook]
Joey Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.
[looks all confused]
Joey And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
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Monica Hi.
Chandler You are not gonna believe what I did today.
Monica Well, clearly you didn't shower or shave.
Chandler I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule. They should change the name to Ms. Chandler.
[pause]
Chandler Although, I hope they don't.
Monica Wait a minute, you staid home all day playing Ms. Pacman, while I was at work like some kind of chump?
Chandler Yeah, and I got all the top ten scores and erased Phoebe off the board. High five!
Monica What is the matter with your hand?
Chandler Well, I've been playing for like eight hours. It'll loosen up, come on check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, their dirty words.
Monica Chandler, why would you do that?
Chandler Because it's awesome.
Monica You think this is clever?
Chandler Well, they only give you three letters, so after A.S.S., it is a bit of a challenge.
Monica Wait a minute, this one's not dirty.
Chandler Well, it is, when you put it together with that one.
Monica Oh, well, if you don't clear this off, you wont be getting those from me. Ben's coming tomorrow over to play this game, this can't be there.
Chandler Come on, he wont even know what they mean.
Monica He's seven, not stupid.
Chandler Have you talked to him lately?
Monica All right, I'm just going to unplug it...
Chandler No, no, no, if you'll unplug it, then there will be nothing to show from my day. It would be like I was at work!
[Monica unplugs it]
Chandler Look at that, look at that, it's still there, this thing must have a primitive ROM chip!
Monica You gotta beat your scores.
Chandler With the claw?
Monica Fine, I'll do it. We gotta get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him "Pull my finger".
Chandler Pull my finger... my hand is messed up!
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Ross Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine.
Chandler Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.
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Chandler Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire trucks.
Joey Why?
Chandler There's this guy at her work that she says is the funniest guy she ever met.
Joey How could she do that? She know being funny is your thing.
Chandler I know. So could you mention fire trucks when she comes in.
Joey I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing lines.
Chandler [sarcastically] It's a good thing you don't have to do that for a living.
Joey I know.
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[Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part]
Joey I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, all right? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of... y'know, the Little General.
Chandler Didn't you use to call it the Little Major?
Joey Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.
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[Ross is trying to cheer Chandler up who won't get out of his sweatpants]
Ross C'mon man, just take 'em off, just take 'em off and we'll have some fun.
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Chandler I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of out secrets.
Joey What secrets?
Chandler Oh no-no, Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.
[the girls walk away]
Joey You'll tell me later?
Chandler You already know.
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Joey [drinking a beer on the boat] Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river.
[yelling]
Joey Get out of the way jackass.
[to Rachel]
Joey Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel That is the Coast Guard.
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Ross If you're going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler.
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Monica Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install all this stuff?
Rachel No, I was going to do this all by myself.
Joey [laughs] You're gonna do it?
Rachel Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do this?
Joey Oh, women can. You... can't.
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Ross We were on a break!
Chandler Oh, my God! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!
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[a ritual to get rid of bad-boyfriend karma]
Phoebe Okay, now we need the sage branches and the sacramental wine.
Monica All I have is oregano and a Fresca.
Phoebe That's okay.
[Adds them]
Phoebe All right, now we need the semen of a righteous man.
Rachel OK, Pheebs, you know what? If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.
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[doing a crossword puzzle]
Ross Heating device.
Phoebe Radiator.
Ross Five letters.
Phoebe Rdatr.
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Joey I don't get it. Why can't we use the same toothbrush? We use the same soap.
Chandler That's different. The toothbrush has been in my mouth.
Joey OK. But next time you're in the shower, think of the first place you're washing, and the last place I washed.
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Phoebe [explaining to Mike's parents and friends her song] And then it goes back to the chorus, "Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault" and that's it.
[pause]
Phoebe I know you didn't ask but no-one had spoken for fourteen minutes.
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Monica What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey Yeah, right!... Y'serious?
Phoebe Oh, yeah!
Rachel Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica Absolutely.
Chandler Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
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Ross Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
Rachel Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
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Ross You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half *pure evil*!
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Monica Joey, did you actually interview her before you asked her to move in?
Joey Of course I did.
Monica Well, what did you ask her?
Joey 'When can you move in?'.
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Phoebe I may play the fool at times but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.
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Rachel Hey Ben, you know what? When you were a baby, you and I used to do all sorts of stuff together, coz I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben But you're not anymore.
Rachel No, no we're not.
Ben Coz you and dad were on a break.
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[Rachel complaining about her father]
Rachel Oh, it was horrible. He called me "young lady".
Chandler Ugh, I hate when my father calls me that.
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[Rachel doesn't take his advice]
Joey Fine. No one ever listens to me. If the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside.
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Mike Hanigan You're not gonna try and make me join a cult are you?
Ross No...
Mike Hanigan Oh okay. You just have that look.
Ross [to himself] Damn SuperCuts!
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Monica Are you sure you peed on the stick right?
Rachel How many ways are there to do that?
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Chandler You rent out these tuxes to celebrities for award shows.
Rachel Yeah.
Chandler You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people screaming "Wow. You look fabulous." at them?
Rachel Honey, could I recommend watching a little bit more "ESPN" and a little less "E."?
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Rachel I'm not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he's divorced.
Monica No, you go after them five minutes before they get married...
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Joey I am telling this to Rachel.
Monica No, Joey.
Joey Unless...
Chandler Unless what?
Joey Unless you name your first born after me.
Chandler What? Why?
Joey Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name.
Chandler Your family name is Tribianni.
[pause]
Joey Oh ho ho. You almost had me there.
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Chandler My dad slept with Mr. Gribaldi.
Monica Who's Mr. Gribaldi?
Chandler DOES IT MATTER?
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Nora Bing Hi, Chandler. This is Dennis. He's a great guy...
Nora Bing [softly] ... and a fantastic lover.
Chandler Hello, Dennis. Thank you for pleasing my mother so.
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[in Barbados, Rachel runs into Monica and Chandler's room in the morning and opens the curtains, it has been raining a lot]
Monica The sun is out!
Chandler [squinting in pain] Hey, remember when I had corneas?
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Joey Ooh-ooh-ooh. Are we opening presents?
Monica No. No. I shouldn't have even opened these. I mean I - Joey, I am out of control. Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present. Okay?
Joey Okay.
Monica Give me one more.
Joey Okay.
[hands her one]
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Phoebe Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No don't sing along. Monica, Monica, have a happy Hannukah. I saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy. And Rachel and Chandler... have a
[mumble]
Phoebe handlerrrrr.
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Ross Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That's not so scary is it?
Chandler Depends on what you mean by "we".
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[On living alone]
Joey I thought it'd be great, you know? have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.
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Joey [Joey is talking on the phone to the mom of a girl he met in the hospital who is in labour] Joey Tribianni
[pause]
Joey 25
[pause]
Joey Yeah I'm single
[pause]
Joey Actor... hello?
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Joey Heh. Let me get this straight. He got you to *beg* to sleep with him. He got you to say he *never* has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a *great* idea?
Phoebe [weakly] Uh-huh.
Joey This man is my God!
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Rachel Oh, honey. Don't get up. What do you need?
Phoebe Oh, no. Oh, nothing.
Rachel Come on. I am here to take care of you. What do you need? Anything.
Phoebe Okay, I have a wedgie.
Rachel Okay, that is all you.
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Joey Could you close that window? My nipples could cut glass over here.
Phoebe Really? Mine get me out of tickets.
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Joey You two were having sex.
Monica No, we weren't.
Joey Yeah, you were. I can see it by the back of Chandler's hair.
[to Chandler]
Joey You are so lazy, can't you get on top for once?
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Ross Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler Du-ude!
Monica What happened in Atlantic City?
Ross Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude"?
Ross ...and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and, uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just goes to bars and makes out with girls.
Monica You kissed a guy? Oh my God.
Chandler In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
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Phoebe No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.
Chandler Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.
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[Chandler enters with a terrible hang-over]
Monica How ya doin'?
Chandler Well, my apartment's not there anymore because I drank it.
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Rachel How about for a girl, Rain?
Ross Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat."
Phoebe I know her!
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[a beautiful women is checking out Chandler]
Phoebe [stands up] Ok, I need to get this right so give me a sec...
[clears throat and talks in a deep voice]
Phoebe Yo, dude. Eleven o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out.
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Joey Va fa napoli.
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Ross [leaning over and talking to Rachel's lap] I can't wait to play with you all day, and to hear your first words.
Phoebe [wide eyed] Why are you letting him talk to your crotch that way?
Rachel He's talking to the baby.
Phoebe Oh, that's good. Because when I heard, "I can't wait to hear your first words" I thought, "Boy that's some trick!"
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Joey [thinking] OK, I have no feelings for Rachel. No feelings at all. She's just a friend. I mean, I might have had some feelings for her, but now they're all gone. All of them. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever had feelings for Rachel.
[Rachel walks into the room]
Rachel Hey, sweetie.
Joey [thinking] I love you.
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[Chandler and Joey got two lawn chairs, a chick and a duck]
Chandler Could we BE more white trash?
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[Telling Rachel how to be sexy]
Joey There was this movie, "Footloose".
Chandler "Flashdance".
Joey Where this plumber chick...
Chandler She was a welder
Joey What, were you like *in* the movie?
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Monica Chandler. You're smoking again?
Chandler Well, yesterday I was smoking again, and today... I'm smoking still...
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[Chandler fell asleep, during Joey's movie. The credits roll, and Chandler wakes up]
Chandler Great show. Good work, Joey.
Joey You liked it?
Chandler Liked it? I loved it.
Joey What did you like best about it?
Chandler I liked... everything the whole show.
Joey What about the specifics?
Chandler Specifics? Specifics were the best part.
Joey What about the scene with the kangaroo?
Chandler I... I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.
Joey You fell asleep. There was no kangaroo. They didn't take any of my suggestions.
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Monica Okay. Wait-wait-wait. Shhh.
[Bangs on her glass with a spoon to make a toast]
Monica Okay, umm, I just wanna say that... I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night.
[Chandler clears his throat]
Monica Our special night. I mean it just wouldn't be my-our-our night, if you all weren't here to celebrate with me-us-Damnit.
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[Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's wedding]
Ross Wow. This is the first time I've walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce.
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Chandler [after accidentally spitting out gum whilst trying to blow a bubble to "charm" Jill Goodacre]
[thinks]
Chandler Just reach over and pick it up...
[discreetly picks up gum from table and pops it back in mouth]
Chandler There we go! Good save! Now it's all good and you're... chewing someone else's gum. Oh, my God! Oh, my *God*!
[suddenly starts to gag]
Chandler And now you're choking.
Jill Goodacre [frowns] Are you okay?
[Chandler continues to choke and flashes a thumbs-up]
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[to Ross]
Chandler You know if your not careful, you could not get married at all this year.
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Phoebe [Rachel's hormones are raging] She's going through her fourth month of pregnancy. Remember when I was in my fourth month?
Monica Yes, that was the Evander Holyfield period. You know, you were so hard up, you even came on to me.
Phoebe Did not!
Monica Yes, you did.
[puts on a seductive look]
Monica Listen, Phoebe, I could have had you if I had wanted you.
Phoebe Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on.
[blows Monica a kiss]
Rachel Guys! Stop it! This is even turning me on!
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Chandler What? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?
Ross A little louder, okay? I think there's a man on the twelfth floor - in a COMA - who didn't hear you.
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Rachel [upset] All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little.
Ross Seriously?
Rachel Yes, I was 4 years-old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to - had to cut a big chunk of my hair.
[she starts crying]
Rachel And it was uneven for weeks.
Ross [sarcastically] And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie.
Rachel Ok, fine. You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there.
[pause]
Rachel And I was thinking Claire Danes.
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[Joey enters wearing an elf costume. Chandler is in agony]
Chandler Too many jokes. Must mock Joey.
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Ross This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
Chandler What, you never look down in the shower?
[pause]
Chandler Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make *one* joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
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Joey Tribbiani [after smelling potpourri] Well, this is like summer in a bowl!
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Phoebe Oh, look. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his Christmas tree. Wow, you should see the size of his Christmas balls.
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[Mona doesn't know that Rachel is living with Ross]
Mona Listen, Rachel, I appreciate your situation but this is Valentine's Day. So, if you don't mind, would you please just go back home?
[Ross enters with his gift for Mona]
Rachel What are you talking about? I live here.
Ross [nervously gives Mona her present] Happy Valentine's Day.
[Mona stares angrily at Ross]
Ross Or, something to remember me by...
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Joey Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.
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Ross Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it.
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Ross I would date her but there is a big age difference.
Joey Well think about it when you're 90...
Ross I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.
Joey No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.
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Ross [receiving his Christmas gift] You got me a cola drink.
Chandler And a LEMON LIME.
Ross You shouldn't have. I feel like I should get you another sweater.
Joey And last but not least.
[Monica receives her gift]
Joey They're RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE.
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Phoebe Charlotte? You know, with the web? She has babies, then she dies. It's like, "Hey, mom, welcome home from the hospital." THUD.
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Ross Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture.
Joey Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my gay fans.
[winks at Ross]
Ross Why'd you wink at me?
Joey Don't look at me. You're the one who like the picture so much.
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Reporter I like that. what's your name?
[pointing tape recorder at Pheobe]
Phoebe Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in... Ello there mate.
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Chandler You know, I'm really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
Monica Me too.
Chandler You know, I was, uh, thinking. If you and I had a big fight and broke up for a few hours...
Monica Yeah?
Chandler Technically we could have sex again. So, what do you think... bossy and domineering?
Monica The wedding's off, sloppy and immature.
[they get up]
Monica Oh, wait. We can't, my cousin Cassie is in the guest room.
Chandler Well, get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
Monica Shrill? The wedding's back on.
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Frank Buffay Jr. My sister's having my baby.
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Chandler All right. You guys don't have to stop having fun just 'cause I'm here. You don't have to feel bad, either. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you...
[to Joey]
Chandler Well, except you.
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Phoebe Well, I'm a pacifist. But, when the revolution comes, I'll destroy all of you.
[pause]
Phoebe Except for you, Joey.
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Rachel Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common, it *doesn't* "happen to every guy, " and it *is* a big deal!
Chandler [pointing] I *knew* it!
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[Joey and Chandler apartment has been robbed]
Joey Aw, man. He took the five of spades.
[looks through deck]
Joey No, here it is.
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Phoebe Come on Ross, you're a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.
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Rachel You didn't finish reading it?
Ross It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for eighteen pages - front and back!
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Chandler The only way I would've said six would have been if I had said, "Let's meet at seven, not at six."
Monica The only way I would've said seven, would have been if I had said, 'Wow, my boyfriend is such a wiseass... Seven!'
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Joey [during Ross's speech, Joey laughs every time he hears 'homo erectus'] Ha, Ha, he said 'erectus'.
[notices Rachel is also laughing]
Joey Erectus?
Rachel [stifling laugh] No, 'homo'.
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Susie How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
Chandler Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it.
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[talking about Ralph Lauren]
Joey I hate his underwear. one time I brought a pair marked XS and let me tell you there's no room for anything excess in there.
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Ross [holding a bottle of champagne] Gunther, six glasses!
Gunther [hopeful] Six? You want me to join you?
Ross Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five will be fine.
[Gunther walks away disappointed]
Ross Boy I'm gonna get spit in my coffee, now.
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Phoebe Today is Mike and my one year anniversary.
Rachel Oh! What's it the anniversary of? Your first date? Your first kiss? The first time you had sex?
Phoebe Yeah!
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Chandler All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.
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[Monica and Richard are about to tell Monica's parents about their relationship]
Monica Can't we tell your parents first?
Richard They're both dead.
Monica Oh, you are *so* lucky.
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Ross [clinks wine glass] Uhh, excuse me. If I could have everybody's attention. I'm Ross Geller.
Jack Geller DR. Ross Geller.
Ross Dad... Please. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm Dr. Ross Geller...
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Gunther Hey buddy, this is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house.
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Ross Hey, Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart? Pheebs?
Phoebe Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
Ross Hey, I might.
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Chandler ...And I'm not sure about this actor guy, because when he left a message and he heard my name "Chandler Bing", he said "Woah! Short message!"
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Monica This has been like my dream ever since I got my first Easy-Bake Oven and opened "Easy Monica's Bakery".
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Phoebe I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
Monica Wow, you - you worked in a mine?
Phoebe No, I worked in a Dairy Queen. Why?
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Chandler [Monica thinks their maid stole her pants and bra] Monica, come on do you really think that she would steal from us, then come back and wear it right in front of you?
Monica Don't you see? It's the PERFECT crime!
Chandler [acting as outraged as her] She must have been planning this for years!
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Rachel Ok, Joey, we'll do it one more time. Don't forget the rules -heads I win, tails you lose.
Joey Just flip the coin!
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Phoebe A person's wedding is important. And especially to me. OK? I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tyre yard by an escaped mental patient who in his own words wanted to "kill me, or whatever." So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.
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Joey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
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[after Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things less awkward]
Rachel Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things...
Joey I know. I know.
Rachel It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't know about you but I haven't thought about our thing since all this.
Joey Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit.
Rachel Yeah I know. I miss that.
Joey Me too. I mean I... haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward.
[long, awkward pause]
Rachel My gynecologist tried to kill me.
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Ross I think it'll be a boy.
Phoebe I think it'll be a girl.
Ross Phoebe, you thought Ben would be a girl.
Phoebe Have you seen him throw a ball?
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Joey Dude, stop talkin' crazy and make us some tea!
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Ross I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her.
Chandler Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used.
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Monica Pack your things, we're going to Vegas.
Chandler You mean, we're just gonna elope? This is great. We're gonna save so much money. And, no more pain-in-the-ass planning.
[Monicas stares at him]
Chandler Oh, we're not going to elope. We have so much money, could our wedding please be bigger?
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Rachel [walking out of the bathroom] Mon, I'm gonna to check my messages.
Chandler And you thought of that in there?
Monica Well, nature called and she wanted to see who else did.
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Ross [to his parents] Look, I, uh- I realize you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
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[Rachel is trying to stall Monica from getting ready]
Rachel I'll just become a lesbian
Monica Any woman would be lucky to have you
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Monica Did you just smell my hair?
Pete No.
Monica Oh my God, you still have feelings for me, don't you?
Pete No I don't.
Monica None at all?
Pete Okay I love you, is that so wrong?
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Monica [about Chandler's mother's new boyfriend] So, how did you two meet?
Nora Bing Well, actually, it's a funny story...
Chandler Funny, "ha ha"? Or, funny-
[makes a gun with his hand and pretends to blow his brains out]
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[Looking through the ads in a newspaper]
Monica There are no jobs for me.
Joey Wait, here's one. Um, would you be willing to cook naked?
Monica There's an ad for a naked chef?
Joey No. But if you'd be willing to COOK naked, you might be willing to DANCE naked.
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Monica I'll never have a first kiss again.
Phoebe You'll have a last kiss.
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Phoebe [singing] Jingle bitch screwed me over. Go to hell jingle whore. Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell.
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Joey Tribbiani You don't put words in people's mouths, you put *turkey* in people's mouths!
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Monica Chandler, you're panicking!
Chandler Uh huh! Join me, won't you?
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[Upon learning he must move far away and commute to work]
Ross Why, it's like I've been given the gift of time.
Chandler That's great. Last year I got the gift of space. We should get together and make a continuum.
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Joey [to Ross] Forget about Rachel. Go to China, eat Chinese food.
Chandler Of course there they'd just call it food.
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Joey Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
Ross Yeah, sure.
Joey By someone besides Monica?
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Phoebe [sings] Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? / Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault!
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Rachel [Phoebe looks sad after finding out Joey's girlfriend, Kristin, was just a loner and not looking for a serious relationship, when Rachel and Phoebe wanted their relationship to work.] Well, I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here after all.
Phoebe No, just another regular flying dwarf.
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Benjamin Hobart If you say yes, I'm serious, if you say no, I'm joking.
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[Ross looking at Monica's legs]
Ross Wow.
Chandler Hey stop staring at my wife's legs. No, no, stop staring at your sister's legs
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[Jack knows that Richard is dating a younger woman, but doesn't know that it's actually Monica]
Jack Geller Come on, tell us.
Jack's friend Yeah. Is she really 20?
Richard I'm not telling you guys anything.
Jack Geller Come on, Rich. It's my birthday, let me live vicariously.
Ross Dad, you really don't want to do that.
Jack Geller Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?
Richard Jack, would you let it go?
Jack Geller Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got my Porsche. You... you got your own speedster.
Richard Guys, seriously, it's not like that.
Jack Geller Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I could...
Ross Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.
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[on thanksgiving day]
Chandler So, when's the big game gonna start?
Phoebe You don't have to do that, Ross and Joey aren't here, you can watch the parade.
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Chandler Ding dong, the psycho's gone.
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Phoebe There was a crooked man, who had a crooked smile, who lived in a shoe, for a... while...
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Rachel I've never asked a guy out before.
Phoebe You've never asked a guy out?
Rachel No. Have you?
Phoebe Thousands of times. That doesn't make me sound too good, does it?
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Joey Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind.
Chandler Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.
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[Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica]
Chandler That was pretty intense, huh?
Joey Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here.
Chandler I hope he did.
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Chandler You wanna tell secrets? Okay. In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers.
Ross All right. Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won.
Chandler Ross came in fourth and cried.
Ross Chandler got drunk one night and slept with the woman who cleaned our dorm.
Chandler That was you.
Ross Whatever dude. You kissed a guy.
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Joey Joey doesn't share food!
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[Everyone is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel don't want to order something expensive because they can't afford it]
Rachel I will have the uh,
[whispers]
Rachel side salad.
Waiter [whispers] And what will that be on the side of?
Rachel Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?
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Monica Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
Chandler How do you find clothes that fit?
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Chandler Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.
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Monica I am so jealous.
Rachel You guys are really just right there.Aren't you?
Chandler Yes... Right where?
Monica The beginning, where it's all sex and talking and sex and talking...
Chandler Yeah you gotta love the talking.
Monica And the sex?
Chandler Alright we hadn't have sex yet. Okay. What's the big deal? This is special. I want our love to grow before moving to the next level.
Rachel Oh, Chandler, that is so nice.
Ross That is really nice... Lying! No way is that the reason.
Rachel Why? Just because you're not mature enough to understand something like that?
Chandler He's right. I'm totally lying.
Monica Then what is it?
Chandler Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey.
Ross And you're afraid you won't be able to fill his shoes?
Chandler No. I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him.
Ross I was going for the metaphor.
Chandler Yes and I was saying the actual words.
Monica Big deal. So Joey has had a lot of girlfriends. That doesn't mean he's great in bed.
Chandler We share a wall. So either is great in bed, or she just liked to agree with him a lot.
Monica With you it's gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great because you guys are in love.
Chandler Yeah?
Ross Just go for it Chandler.
Monica Monica, Rachel: Yeah you should.
Chandler All right. All right. I'll sleep with my girlfriend. But I'm just doing it for you guys.
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Chandler Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.
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Chandler Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Rachel No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there.
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Joey What? You made a bet. A bet is a bet. You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet.
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[after observing a short fight between Rachel and Ross]
Phoebe That's it? "We were on a break." "No we weren't." What happened to you two?
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Kate Miller [they are doing a scene] I have a question about this scene.
Kate Miller Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor.
[Joey plays Victor, she plays Adrienne]
The Director Peel the onion. First of all, he's good-looking.
Joey Yeah.
Kate Miller I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of a reason than that.
Joey Oh, hey, how about this one? It says so in the script! Y'know, I don't know why my character likes you either, I mean, it says in the script here that you're a bitch.
Kate Miller It does not say that in the script.
Joey It does in mine!
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Phoebe You still love Rachel.
Ross No, I don't.
Phoebe You got married to her.
Ross In Vegas. I was so drunk, I could've married Joey.
Phoebe [angry] Hey. You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribianni.
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Monica Look, Joey feels really bad for what happened. He thinks you hate him. He wants to move to Vermont.
Ross I don't hate him. It's just... You know what, I'll go talk to him. It's not his fault.
Monica Thank you. He already asked me where he could exchange his dollars for Vermont money.
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Monica [to everybody] We have to talk.
Phoebe Oh, I'm getting a deja-vous. All right no I'm not.
Monica All right, we have to talk.
Phoebe There it is.
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Monica You broke a little girl's leg?
Ross I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
Chandler [reading the paper] Says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night.
[to Ross]
Chandler Where exactly were you around ten-ish?
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Monica Can you help me fold these napkins?
Phoebe Sure.
Monica I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams.
[Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins]
Monica No... no honey... Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember?
Phoebe Yeah. It all came screaming back to me.
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Joey [after talking about Chandler being picky with girls] Chandler, I understand you. I mean, this one time, I went out with this girl, she had the biggest Adam's apple!
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[Ross is about to tell Rachel that he loves her before she leaves for Paris, but Gunther walks up to her first]
Gunther I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know.
Rachel Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw.
[kisses him on the cheek]
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Janice It's a small world after all.
Chandler Yeah. And I still don't get bumped into Beyonce!
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Rachel Didn't the chick and the duck di...
Phoebe -ve, dive. Yeah, they dove. Head first into fun on the farm.
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Rachel You gotta come with me!
Phoebe Come where?
Rachel Wherever I go! Come on! You and me. We'll... we'll start a new group! We're the best ones!
Phoebe Okay, but try and get Joey, too.
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Joey She's so great. She kisses like my mom cooks.
Monica I am so glad you said "cooks".
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Rachel I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?
Joey Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography.
Monica Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in.
Joey Well, I think we all learned something.
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[Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her]
Phoebe Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.
Joey Oh, you do?
Phoebe Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.
Joey I know. I mean it's not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel.
Phoebe Uhh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.
[under her breath]
Phoebe Kick me in the stomach why don't you.
Joey What?
Phoebe Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her.
Joey You think?
Phoebe Yeah. I mean I've had them for you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us before, right?
Joey No, not really.
Phoebe [under her breath] Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?
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Rachel Ooh, I'm a man. Ooh, I have a penis. Ooh, I have to win money to exert my power over women.
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Rachel How do we end up with these jerks? We're good people.
Monica Maybe we're like some kind of magnets.
Phoebe I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
Monica There's more beer right?
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[talking about engagement presents for Monica and Chandler]
Rachel Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.
Monica Oh, I already have one.
Phoebe Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
Rachel Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.
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[Referring to Janice]
Chandler How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?
Joey I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
Chandler Oh man. In my next life I'm comin' back as a toilet brush.
[Janice enters Central Perk]
Janice [to Chandler] Hello Funny Valentine.
Chandler Hello, Just Janice.
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[Monica and Chandler come back from London]
Phoebe Oh, my god. You had sex.
Monica No, we didn't.
Phoebe [to Chandler] I know YOU didn't, I'm saying she did.
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Joey Do you practice losing at the Grammys too?
Rachel No, at the Grammys, I always win.
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Joey And you call yourself an accountant?
Chandler ...No.
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Chandler I'm thinking of having an affair with your wife! Oh, you know what, I just did!
Joey Really?
Chandler No, freak show! She's fictional!
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Rachel Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey [pause] ... Are we still talking about sex?
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Monica Chandler, it's okay. You don't have to be so macho all the time.
Chandler I'm not macho.
Monica You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.
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Chandler Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it. I don't think that was my point.
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[Chandler's drunk from having jello shots]
Monica Stick out your tongue.
Chandler Take off your shirt.
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[about Ross being in love with Rachel]
Phoebe This is big. No this is huge. No this is like really really... all right what's bigger than huge?
Joey Uh, this?
Phoebe Yeah.
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Joey Hey Mon, I got a question for you.
Monica Okay, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in the shower at the gym, and no I don't look.
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[At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award on an absent actress' behalf]
Rachel Joey, you can't steal an award.
Joey I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her behalf.
Rachel You don't even know what behalf means.
Joey I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I behalfing it.
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Phoebe What happens to the old Christmas trees?
Joey They go into the chipper.
Phoebe Why do I get the feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?
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Monica I can't believe my dad saw us having sex. He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees.
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Joey They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do that. My grandmother's gonna see that movie.
Phoebe Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line.
[winks at Joey]
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[Ross's hand is in a cast and he is struggling to write something down]
Joey Hey, do you need any help?
Ross Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my mis-shapened claw?
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Rachel [upon receiving her first paycheck] Who's FICA? Why is he getting all my money?
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Rachel How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
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Phoebe Sting's pen...
[as she puts it in her purse]
Phoebe ... that he gave to Phoebe.
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Chandler What are you guys like a gang or something?
[Joey whispers to Rachel]
Joey Yeah, we are.
[Rachel whispers to Joey]
Rachel We're the Cobras.
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Monica What about friends of your grandmother's? Wouldn't they have the recipe?
Phoebe Well, you know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother,
[trying to pronounce her name in French]
Phoebe Nestlé Toulouse.
Monica What was her name?
Phoebe [again trying to pronounce it in French] Nestlé Toulehouse.
Monica Nestle Toll House?
Phoebe Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.
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Joey How come we don't have jam at our place?
Chandler Because the kids need shoes.
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Ross Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even let me in the apartment.
Phoebe Hmmm, I wonder why, pervert?
Ross I'm not a pervert.
Phoebe Please, that's the pervert motto. They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your pants and say that.
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Ross So, uh, how long are you going to punish him?
Joey Five years.
Ross You've sentenced him?
Joey Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
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Rachel Thank you for my beautiful earrings, they're perfect. I love you.
Ross Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, okay?
Rachel Now I love you even more.
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Joey I'm a Tribianni! And this is what we do! We may not be great thinkers, or great leaders, we may not be able to run very fast but God Dammit we can eat!
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[Rachel, Phoebe and Joey have just found out that Chandler, Ross and Monica went to an after party with Hootie and the Blowfish]
Phoebe What's on your neck?
Monica That? That would be the work of a Blowfish.
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[Chandler is caught smoking]
Phoebe Oh, I can't believe you. You've been so good, for three years.
Chandler And this- is my reward.
Ross Hold on a second, all right? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Chandler Okay, so this time I won't quit.
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Rachel [after winning a hand of poker. sing-song to Ross] I have got your money, and you'll never see it, and your fly's still open
[pause]
Rachel ha, I made you look.
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Ross Hi...
Joey Pfft... This guy says, "Hello, " I wanna kill myself.
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Chandler Goodbye, you fruit drying psychopath.
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Ross Because women never like Joey. You know, I hear he's a virgin?
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[pounding a scone]
Ross Stupid British snack food.
Chandler Did they teach you that in your anger management class?
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Joey Tribbiani [upon hearing Ross doesn't want to go to the movies with him] Come on, man! Tom Hanks! Meg Ryan! They get mail!
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Ross My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.
Monica Wow. That's great. Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play.
Ross Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Chandler Well, did-did you correct him?
Ross No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.
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Eddie [Chandler just asked him to move out] This is kinda out of the blue, isn't it?
Chandler No, no, no. This isn't out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue.
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Rachel You don't just flit off to Vermont as soon as you meet someone.
Monica You flitted off to Vail as soon as you met Barry.
Rachel For once, could you not just remember every little thing?
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Phoebe We can be guys. Come on, let us be guys.
Chandler You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long.
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Joey Hey, I got something for you.
Chandler What's this?
Joey Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
Chandler Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.
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Rachel Cool. "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."
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[When asked if he knows anything about chicks]
Chandler Fowl? No. Women?... No.
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[Chandler's trying to quit smoking]
Chandler Eww, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock in my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.
Ross Okay, I think it's time to change someone's nicotine patch.
[does so]
Chandler [deadpan] Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
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[Phoebe and her ex-boyfriend David meet again after a few years of being apart]
Phoebe You got a haircut.
David Yeah, well, I got like, thirty of 'em.
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Joey Hey, you know, you could always visit him.
Phoebe Oh, right, like they're going to let me have a passport?
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Chandler Stay... stay. Good fake dog.
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Rachel Are you sure that on some level you don't want to take off my bra?
Joey I don't have another level!
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Phoebe Hey, can we turn on the TV? I think it's raining outside.
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Phoebe I think the most romantic song is the one that Elton John wrote for that guy from "who's the Boss?"
Monica Which one was that?
Phoebe You know, uh, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza... ".
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Jill Green All right, I'm leaving. Because I'm not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That's you Rachel.
Rachel Yeah, I got that.
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Joey Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman. And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition.
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Phoebe A plate of brownies once told me a Limerick.
Chandler Let me ask you, Phoebe: were these "funny brownies"?
Phoebe Not particularly. Although I do think they had pot in them.
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[Joey has to keep everyone in his apartment]
Judy Geller Well, we'll get going.
[both leave]
Monica Hey. How come they get to leave?
Joey Hey, Jack is a great man. He fought for our country.
Monica No, he didn't. He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea.
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Rachel I've never been to an analyst!
Phoebe And it shows.
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[Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container possible with it. Chandler enters]
Chandler Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part... or Italy called and said it was hungry.
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Ross Oh, I gotta go, kids... I got Lamaze class.
Chandler Oh! And I got Earth Science but I'll catch you in gym?
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Janice Chandler Bing.
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Phoebe It's raining. I don't like to fly in the rain.
Joey Oh, I'm going to go for a walk in the rain.
Rachel Oh... me too!
Phoebe Huh! I bet they're doing it!
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Ross No divorces in '99!
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Monica [about the erogenous zones] Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.
Chandler That-that's bad?
Rachel Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Materhorn.
Chandler Well you might if it were anything like 7.
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Rachel God, this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride.
[shows Phoebe the picture]
Rachel And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman.
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Monica Wow. You're a really good kisser.
Chandler Well, I have kissed more than four women.
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Chandler [taking duck out in the hallway] Now you stay out here and you think about what you did.
Ross That's a duck.
Chandler That's a bad duck.
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Chandler I got a job in advertising. Well, not a paying job. More of an internship. But, they hire people they like.
Joey Yeah, we got interns on "Days of Our Lives".
Chandler Yeah, it's the same thing... except, less sex with you.
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Ross All right, I'll tell you why you're a bad driver. You're fast and irresponsible.
Rachel Well, excuse me but in high school that made me head cheerleader.
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[advising Ross about Rachel]
Joey You waited too long and now you're in "The Friend Zone".
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Janice Goodnight my Bing-a-ling.
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Phoebe Quit being so "testosterony".
Chandler ...The real San Francisco treat.
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Chandler Where is Ross at? Hasn't he checked out yet?
Monica Are you kidding me? It's not 11:00 yet that means Ross still has 11 mins to check out of the hotel, and Ross has NEVER checked out of a hotel early.
Rachel Oh yeah that's right. One time Ross and I were at a hotel and we got a late check out... Ross was so happy it was the best sex we ever had!
Phoebe Ohhhhhhh!
Rachel That is until he screamed out RADISON at the end.
Phoebe Yeah that'll kill it.
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Ross So, uh, what did the insurance company say?
Chandler Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here so stop calling us."
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Gunther Here is your coffee.
Ross Thanks Gunther, or "dank je wel voor de koffie".
Gunther You are speaking Dutch - "heb je familie daar?"
Ross Yeah we are done.
Gunther Ezel.
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Monica Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party.
Chandler No.
Monica Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked.
Chandler ...All right.
Joey YEAH.
Chandler But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey.
Monica Ok, so who's going to be there?
Chandler No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough.
Ross Well, actually, I have a date tonight.
Chandler Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party.
Joey [on cell phone] Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight...
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Ross Wow, you sure have a lot of books on being a Lesbian.
Susan Well, you have to take a Course. Otherwise they don't let you do it.
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Janine Lecroix 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year.
[kisses Joey]
Joey [mumbles] Oomchimawa.
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Joey It's just my character that's not brain-dead.
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Ross I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Joey Joey, Chandler: That's nice.
Ross No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me.
Joey Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Ross Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield.
Chandler What are you crazy? That's a baby!
Joey He should take the sack?
Ross Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father.
Chandler Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
Joey Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.
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Shrink Boyfriend Come on, tell me about it.
Phoebe [Lies down] Well, it's my friends. They have a liking problem. With you. In that... they don't.
Shrink Boyfriend Oh.
Phoebe But I do! Me, Phoebe.
Shrink Boyfriend Well, I can't say I'm surprised. It's what I've come to expect from this kind of co-dependent, dysfunctional group dynamic, this sitting around in your Coffee House drinking from Cups which, I'm sorry, may as well have nipples on them! Saying "Oh, define me, define me! Love me, I need love!"
[they break up]
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Ross Mississippilessly?
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Joey Paper, snow, a Ghost!
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[Listening to Phoebe and Mike breaking up whilst holding a heavy sofa]
Chandler Aaaaaand... Hernia.
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Phoebe Soap Opera Digest. That's one of my favorite digests.
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Rachel You don't want to try things too fast. You know what happened to the girl who tried things too fast?
Jill Green No. What?
Rachel Well... she died.
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Joey And look. A phone in the bathroom.
Monica Joey, don't ever call me from that phone.
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Phoebe And then what happened?
The Duck [flaps its wings]
Phoebe Ooooh!
[Joey comes in]
Phoebe Hi Joey!
[she puts the duck on the floor]
Phoebe This isn't over!
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Rachel Yes, Phoebe, but Jack gave up a Cow, and I gave up an Orthodontist!
Phoebe Did you love him?
Rachel No.
Phoebe Well, there you go, Jack loved the Cow.
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Monica [Monica has refused to go out with Chandler] Darn it! There's no more soda.
Chandler I'll go get some.
Monica Really?
Chandler Well, I would,
[shouts]
Chandler but I'm not your boyfriend!
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Monica Come on, I see you looking at other women's breasts all the time!
Chandler You see that?
Monica Do you see this?
[opens her mouth and stares]
Monica Duhhhhhh?
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Ross [waiting for Rachel and Monica to come out of the bathroom] Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?
Richard No.
Ross Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?
Richard I have a little comb.
Ross Oh. And what do you call that?
Richard A moustache comb.
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Monica [talking about the stock market] My motto is, get out before they go down.
Joey That is so not my motto.
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Ross Hey, remember when I had a monkey? Yeah, what was I thinking?
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Joey There's no juice for the people who need the juice and want the juice and I need the juice.
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Richard [about Chandler & Joey] They're different from my other friends, they don't start sentences with "you know who just died shoveling snow?"
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Joey Is Phoebe here with the cab yet?
Chandler Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Jump in.
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Monica Do you ever think about the future?
Richard Yeah, I think about the future.
Monica Am I in it?
Richard You are my future.
Monica Honey, you are about to get so lucky.
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[after having sex with Rachel's boss]
Rachel You promised you would break up with her.
Chandler I did break up with her. She just took it really, really well.
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Monica So you wanna?
Chandler OK.
[pauses]
Chandler I can't.
Monica [Snaps] Well you're not 18 anymore, but give it a minute.
Chandler I can't because of Emma.
Monica Oh, Emma, Sweetie, I forgot you were here.
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[At an audition]
Joey Come on, give me another chance. I can do a southern accent.
[with Jamaican accent]
Joey Ya, mon.
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Chandler [about Richard] Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.
Joey Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.
Richard Well...
Joey No, I'm serious. Chandler and I were just talkin' about this. He is so much cooler than our dads.
[Chandler kicks, out of sight]
Joey I mean, you know, our dads are okay, you know? But Richard is just- ow, ow.
[to Chandler]
Joey What are you kickin' me for, huh? I'm tryin' to talk here.
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Chandler Now, honey, I know you don't like to relinquish control...
Monica Oh! Relinquish is just a fancy word for "lose"!
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Phoebe Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people?
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Phoebe My mom used to stick her head in the oven. Actually she only did it the once, but it was pretty weird.
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Rachel [Referring to Ross's new girlfriend] Ooh look, she's touching his leg.
Phoebe Oh you see, that's probably nothing she's very sexually aggressive.
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Rachel Do you know the only person who'd wanna listen to this? A mental health professional. And that's only because they get paid a hundred dollars an hour.
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Tommy So, you work at Bloomindales... My mom calls it Bloomies.
Rachel Yeah, ok, At ease soldier.
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Chandler Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
Monica He's in the bathroom... I don't think you wanna go in there!
Chandler C'mon, we're roommates... Aaaaaaaagh! My eyes! My eyes!
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Carol Oh, what do you know? No-one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this
[shouts]
Carol pot roast through it?"
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Chandler Did you do it on our invitations?
Ross Not on the ones we sent out.
Chandler Oh, so it was on the ones, we had framed.
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Ross Hey who is this Casey? Why's he calling Rachel?
Chandler Well I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... You know make a little love... Well pretty much get down tonight...
Ross [puts message in cupboard]
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Joey Of course it was a line!
Monica Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that?
Ross I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed."
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Chandler Ok, I'm just going to go outside.
Ross Whoa, whoa, hold it.
Chandler Don't worry. I'm not going to run away again. I just want to get some fresh air.
Ross Ok.
Chandler [exits into hallway and lights a cigarette] Ahh, fresh air...
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Julie [Monica has told everyone about Chandler's third nipple] You know, Chandler, in some cultures a third nipple is considered a mark of virility. The most desirable women dance naked around you so you can make your pick.
Chandler Ah, would any of these cultures be in the tri-state area?
Julie Sorry.
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Monica You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired." Ha.
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Joey Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!
Chandler Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.
Joey God, I just, I hate her! I hate her! With her, "Oh, I'm so talented." and "Oh, I'm so pretty," and "Ooh, I smell so good."
Chandler I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
Joey Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here? Y'know?
Chandler I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.
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[In response to a stupid comment]
Chandler You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.
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Rachel So are things between you and Joey getting any better?
Chandler It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me.
Rachel Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh?
Ross Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?
Rachel You shouldn't.
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[Ross is wearing a white suit]
Monica I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders.
Ross Look, I just came here to tell you guys something.
Rachel Oh. Was it how you invented the cotton gin?
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Chandler [dancing and singing] She's on the other line, gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back.
Monica Don't you still have to pee?
Chandler That's why I'm dancing.
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[In response to one of Joey's stupid comments]
Chandler How do you not fall down more often?
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[Reading Rachel's "romance novel."]
Monica "Throbbing pens"? Don't wanna be around when he writes with those.
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Monica Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
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Monica Is this too cute? Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.
[Silence]
Monica What? I'm not like I'm gonna put little nipples on them.
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Chandler Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew. Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster.
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Chandler [to a woman] Come on, I'll show you to my room... Wow, that sounds weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late".
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Phoebe You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
Chandler Maureen Rosilla.
Ross "'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is not a real reason.
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Ross [on Monica's phone] Yeah, Tony, hold on.
[gets second line]
Ross Hello? Yeah, she's right here. Hold on.
[returns to second line]
Ross Yeah, Tony I'll call you back. It's my sister's boyfriend.
[switches back to second line]
Monica Give me that.
[into phone]
Monica Hi sweetie. Before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your house?
[pause]
Monica Oh, hi mom.
[starts throwing things at Ross]
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[Joey's mom is talking about his father's mistress]
Gloria Tribbiani In a perfect world, she wouldn't exist. And your father would look like Sting.
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Erica [playing a joke on Chandler] It'd really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, if you'd name him after my father - JimminyBillyBob.
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Chandler [talking to Monica about the new house] When did you start crapping money?
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Chandler And by the way, Count Rushmore doesn't exist.
Joey Oh yeah? Then who's the guy who painted all the faces on the mountain?
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Monica Damn the jellyfish! Damn ALL the jellyfish!
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Phoebe PICK UP THE SOCK! PICK UP THE SOCK! PICK UP THE SOCK!
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Ross That sandwich was the one good thing in my life. Someone ate the one good thing in my life.
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Rachel You always have to be right.
Ross I do not always- I'm not doing this.
Rachel Jurassic Park could happen.
Ross [gives up]
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Phoebe It's because of stuff like this that you're BURNING IN HELL!
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Phoebe Please don't kill yourself. My mother did, I know what I'm talking about. And besides, I wasn't even meant to be working today. Don't you see that the Universe wants you to live?
Suicidal Guy who doesn't need Toner [shouts at his coworkers] Do you hear that? I don't need you people. The Universe cares about me! The whole Universe! Ha-ha-ha!
[They ignore him. To Phoebe]
Suicidal Guy who doesn't need Toner I wish they cared a little bit...
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Joey [can't find the Hot Girl] Hot Girl? Hot Girl!
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Phoebe You know, we thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.
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Phoebe You know, this reminds me of the time I was living on the street and this guy said he'd buy me food if I slept with him. Because that was a real problem and this is just some High School crap.
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Jack Geller Of course you could kick Chandler's ass, son.
Judy Geller You could kick any ass you wanted to!
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Phoebe There's no such thing as an innocent Burger.
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Phoebe I've done some research, and it turns out mink aren't very nice.
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Phoebe We're... just saying Goodbye to the Hotel. We LOVE you, Paradise Hotel, Golf Resort and Spa!
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Monica I use my breasts to get people's attention!
Rachel We both do that!
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Phoebe Are you kidding, that woman has the nose of a bloodhound! And the breasts of a Greek Goddess...
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Joey You're a pain in my ass, Geller!
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Ross [Very drunk in Vegas] It's Joey, I love Joey!
Rachel Joey lives with a duck!
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Rachel Does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?
Phoebe I don't know, you might be the first one.
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Monica [as the movers are moving a dresser out of the bedroom] Careful with that, it was my Grandmother's. Be careful.
[Two more movers are moving the giant white dog statue from the balcony]
Monica If that falls off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
[She hands the one mover some money]
Ross [Looking around the now empty apartment] Wow.
Rachel I know. Seems smaller, somehow.
Joey Has it always been purple?
Chandler [to the babies] Look around, you guys. This was your first home... and it was a happy place filled with love and laughter. But, more importantly, 'cause of rent control, it was a friggin' steal.
Phoebe Hey, do you realize that at one time or another, we all lived in this apartment?
Monica Oh yeah, that's true.
Ross Uh, I haven't.
Monica No, what about the Summer during college that you lived with Grandma? And you tried to make it as a dancer.
Ross [as everyone awkwardly stares at him] Do you realize we almost made it 10 years without that coming up?
Monica [to Chandler] Oh, Honey, I promised Treeger that we'd leave our keys.
Chandler Oh, okay.
[as Monica and Chandler take their keys out of their pockets and place them on the kitchen counter, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey, also, take out their keys to Monica's apartment and place them on the kitchen counter]
Phoebe I guess this is it.
Joey Yeah... I guess so.
Monica [Crying] This is harder than I thought it would be.
[Chandler kisses Monica on her head, then hugs her, as Ross does the same to Rachel, whom is also crying, with Ross also hugging Monica, while still hugging Rachel, with Phoebe crying as well]
Rachel What, do you guys have to move to the new house right away or do you have some time?
Monica [Monica and Chandler look at each other, with Chandler nodding in agreement] We got some time.
Rachel Okay, should we get some coffee?
Chandler Sure.
[They begin walking towards the front door to exit the apartment]
Chandler Where?
[They group is then seen in the hallway, coming out of the apartment, walking to the stairway, as the camera pans Monica's now-empty apartment, panning from the balcony window into the kitchen, past the refrigerator, to the front door, and finally zooms in on the front door's peephole, which is still surrounded by the yellow picture frame]
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Joey [Chandler and Joey are sightseeing in London] Alright! Westminster Abbey. Hands down. Best Abbey I ever seen.
[Joey gets out his digital camera so he can take Chandler's picture in front of the Abbey]
Joey Hey! Ok. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?
Chandler Yeah, I think it's great. It's great. You know, they're thinking of changing the name of this place.
Joey Really? To what?
Chandler To put the camera away!
Joey Man, you are Westminster Crabby.
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Felicity Talk New York to me.
Joey Forget about it!
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Phoebe Hey. Why isn't it Spidermen? You know, like Goldmen, Silvermen.
Chandler Because, it... it's not his last name.
Phoebe It isn't?
Chandler No. It's not like Phil Spidermen. He's a spider *man*. You know, like Goldmen is a last name but there's no gold man.
Phoebe Oh, oh okay...
Phoebe There should *be* a gold man!
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Phoebe Oh, my God! The foster puppets!
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Jack Geller I remember when we first got engaged.
Chandler Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story.
Monica Oh dad, really you don't need to...
Jack Geller [ignoring her] Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know that happened.
Judy Geller [incredulous] You don't know how that happened? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.
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Joey Anyway, I started working on what I'm gonna say at the ceremony, you wanna hear it?
Monica Monica, Chandler: Yeah!
Joey Now, listen, it's just the first draft so... "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share. It is a love based on giving and receiving, as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have and receive."
Chandler [to Monica] Shouldn't we call the spitter?
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Joey Get your sorry, non-believer ass out of my chair.
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Monica That's probably because their nerves are deadened from being so stupid.
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[Chandler walks in]
Joey You know, with that goatee, you kinda look like Satan.
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Rachel Come on. You guys can pee standing up.
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Chandler Rachel, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel Oh, okay. Will you take my place?
Chandler All right.
[on phone]
Chandler Yes, this is Rachel.
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[talking to Monica]
Chandler Yeah, I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.
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Chandler [conflicted over Kathy] That's no good, I'm starting to yearn!
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Phoebe Stop, you guys! Look what you're doing to Chandler!
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Chandler Well actually, gum would be perfection.
[voice over]
Chandler Gum would be perfection? Where did that come from? Coulda said thanks, coulda said I'll have a stick but no, for me, gum would be perfection. I loathe myself.
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Phoebe [making fun of TV] If I don't hold my hair, my head will fall off.
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Ross [she's lost his monkey] This is just classic Rachel! You're off in Rachel land with no thought for people's feelings or monkeys!
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Stephen Waltham [to his wife] Come on, buggerface!
Andrea Waltham [smacks Ross on her way out] Call me!
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Phoebe [Chandler's run off] Come on, Ross we've got to think like Chandler!
Ross So where's the one place he'd never expect us to look?
[Scene Cuts]
Ross So THIS is your Office?
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Stephen Waltham I could kill you with my thumb, you know...
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Joey What are you worried about? The Vicar will be here any minute.
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Resident's Commitee Member [pinning up warning notice] Watch out for this guy. They say he's looking for some kind of Hot Girl.
Ross Who isn't?
Neighbour [doesn't laugh]
Ross Hi, I'm Ross, I'm new to the building.
Neighbour Yes, you were the one who didn't chip in for the handyman.
Ross Never mind.
Neighbour Actually, I thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. You had just moved in.
Ross I had just moved in! Thank you!
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Chandler [making fun of TV] Oh she should not be wearing those pants! I say push her down the stairs!
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Phoebe [Imitating someone really annoying] "Oh, I slept with Billy Joel." Who hasn't?
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Ross What the hell are you doing, you scared the crap out of me!
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Joey Want some jam?
Chandler No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.
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[When one of Ross' male students claims to be in love with him]
Ross I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it? Am I giving out some kind of... sexy professor vibe?
Rachel Not right now.
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Mona Thanks for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. You got 300 of them. It was fascinating. So, we still on for tonight?
Ross Sure.
Mona Ok. Bye.
Ross Bye.
Chandler [to Ross] Wow, you must be great in bed.
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Ross Did you see the kid on that nose?
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Ross You're crazy!
Benjamin Hobart Crazy? Or... Romantic?
Ross Crazy!
Benjamin Hobart Ooor...
Ross Get out!
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Ross You guys won't believe what I have to do for work today!
Chandler Yes, but Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.
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[Monica and Chandler are having sex in the other room]
Joey You can't have s-e-x in front of a b-a-b-i-e
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Ross The door's closed! I can't see anything with the door closed!
Chandler And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.
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Ross I'm FINE!
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Jack Geller Now, are you his Mother or his Father? What? I've never seen one before! I never even got a chance to pretend I'm okay with it...
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Ross So I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out but my monkey is OUT OF CONTROL!... He keeps erasing the messages on my machine!
Rachel Oh yeah... I've done that
Ross And a few days ago he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword!
Rachel I've never done that
Ross And last night I don't know what he did but there were capers EVERYWHERE!
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Precious I mean, what the Hell am I supposed to do now?
Phoebe Have some Pride woman, for the love of God!
Precious [Cries]
Phoebe Not a fan of the tough love?
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Chandler You know what they say, ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.
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Chandler You took your eggs and you left. Do you really expect me never to find new eggs?
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Chandler Am I sexy in Tulsa?
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Chandler I am holding up these cushions as a symbol of my remorse! Though you may haveth anger now...
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Rachel [Phoebe's "sold out" at a corporate massage parlour] Of course I admire you Phoebe! You have principles! I don't have any.
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Phoebe Leave me behind! I'm just a machine!
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Phoebe This was back when I thought everything that rhymed was true.
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Phoebe They think you're a little intense and creepy. But I don't! Me, Phoebe.
Shrink Boyfriend Oh, well that's what I expect from this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic.
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Phoebe Really? Misery really does love company?
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Joey Ross, if Homo Sapiens were HOMO Sapiens, is that why they're extinct?
Ross Joey, "Homo Sapiens" are People.
Joey Hey, I'm not Judging!
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Susie You know why I like you?
Chandler Because my parents sent me to an all-boys Boarding School and now God is making up for it?
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Ross I went through the same thing with Carol and you know what I did? I got dressed really quickly.
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Phoebe [singing in the Hospital] At first they're so cute and soft to the touch/ Then they grow up and resent you so much/ Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why/ and you cry and you cry and you cry/ and you cry and you cry and you cry and you cry... Thanks Ross!
Ross I'm paying you to STOP!
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Joshua Burgin Oh God, that Special Bond again!
Rachel Well...
Joshua Burgin Do you have a brother?
Rachel No, but one of my sisters had a very... masculine energy.
Joshua Burgin And how did you get on?
Rachel Oh, I don't talk to them, they're not very nice people.
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Chandler [can't talk Phoebe's boyfriend out of moving in with her] Were your parents HAPPY or something?
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Chandler At least your middle name isn't Murial!
Ross Chandler M Bing? Your parents never gave you a chance, did they?
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Barbershop Quartet Singer No-one likes a Buttmunch!
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Chandler [Name the 50 States Game] If you can't do it you can't do it. That's the great thing about this game, it makes you want to kill yourself.
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Joey You bet on the bet and if you lose you lose the bet!
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Joey Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a Cowboy spraying Cologne!
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Phoebe He slept with me and never called!
Extra 1 Yeah, me too!
Extra 2 And me!
Joey She's talking about her Character! We need some new Extras around here...
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Frank Buffay Jr. No, it was perfect. Telling you about my likes and dislikes. How I like to melt things and dislike things that don't melt. A hooker tried to break my arm.
Phoebe She's not a hooker.
Frank Buffay Jr. Yes, but when I tell my friends about it later, she WILL BE a hooker.
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Monica That was close.
Chandler Yes, you almost over-reacted to something.
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Rachel Bye Ben! And what did we agree?
Ben You were not on a break.
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Ross NO FALAFEL FOR YOU!
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Joey I want to be Mr. Hugglemunch!
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Stephen Waltham Do you want a piece of me, is that it? Do you want a piece of me?
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Monica [trying to persuade Phoebe to live with Rachel] Did you know she has like a hundred pairs of shoes, and she'll let you borrow them?
Rachel Yeah, and then you stretch them out with your big ol' clown feet...
Monica You want to sleep outside, 'cos it's getting cold!
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Chandler We just think Emily might be being a bit... unreasonable.
Joey [pointing] Yes! Yes! Unreasonable!
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Margha Is it alright if I stay and watch? I can't go back yet, my roommate is vershlocking a big American Businessman.
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Bully [to Chandler] You know what I don't like about you? You've always got something to say.
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Chandler Go with the Egg, my friend!
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Rachel Ever since I was humiliated, I've not been in a very museum-benefitty sort of place.
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Monica So if your parents had stayed together you'd be able to answer a question like a normal person?
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Gunther I broke a cup.
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Ross [Long, serious lecture] All of which proves that I thought of Jurassic Park first.
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Chandler [Everyone's hugging] Aw... oh that's right, I have no-one.
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Dr. Long [It's triplets] Doctors are wrong all the time.
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[Trying to fix up Monica with a date]
Joey Aw, c'mon, this guy's perfect for you.
Monica No, not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.
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Monica Whoa. Where you going in those pants? 1982?
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Rachel Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you.
Mark Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!
Rachel Sorry.
Mark Okay. I'll just go home and get back at him by myself.
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Ross Okay, there you go.
Rachel Sure. Sure, I'll just sit next to the... transsexual from purchasing.
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Chandler I know they call this a love seat but I'm not feeling anything special towards you...
Ross [takes newspaper... folds it up... faces Chandler... and hits him...]
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Chandler Do you have the revised Annual Network Usage Summary?
Colleague We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the 70s.
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Joey I just dropped by to say you're not a real Doctor! And that woman's brain... is fine.
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Colleague Now, Chandler, I'm going to need this back on Tuesday.
Chandler If you say so, Sir.
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Joey Chandler is a mysterious fellow, one unlikely to take a wife.
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Judy Geller Oh, God. There's a toe in my kitchen...
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Ross "Ooh, I must Take a Mental Picture"!
Phoebe You were making fun of Parker? Okay so he's Positive and Energetic and maybe that's a bit much, but I like that about him. You wanna know what I think? I think your collective dating record reads like a Who's Who of Human Crap!
Ross ...What was wrong with Mona?
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Joey There's always room for jello.
Monica How do you make that dirty?
Joey I can do it with anything, look. Grandma's Chicken Salad.
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Chandler You know, you're a great guy, Richard.
Richard Yeah. I hate that.
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Chandler When I get back it'll be Chair City, and I'll be the one who's sitting on Chairs!
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Joey Do you want to hear something weird?
Phoebe Always!
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Ross There was nothing in your father's fridge except Heavy Cream and Bacon. I think I solved the mystery of the heart attack.
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Nora Bing [Wedding] Oh, Chandler! We thought we messed you up so much, this day would never come!
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Chandler He said "Hey Todd, want a donut?" And I wanted a donut. So now it's five years later, the donut's gone, and I'm still Todd.
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Phoebe Boobs will help us figure it out.
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Phoebe I'm not going to let that man make you eat your Baby.
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Joey It must have been a great play, because I didn't understand a single word of it!
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Ross I KNEW YOU'D BE MY DEATH, PHOEBE BUFFAY!
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Joey Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to God!
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Rachel Oh my God, he Dream Cheated on you!
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Phoebe Oh come on, Joey, I did my best to find someone nice and loose for you!
Phoebe's Friend Hey!
Phoebe Oh who are you kidding?
Phoebe's Friend [shrugs, eats some olives off a cocktail stick]
Joey Tribbiani Oh, don't go!
Phoebe's Friend I'll stay if you can tell me my name.
Joey Tribbiani Have a great night.
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Joey One day you're Dr Drake Ramoray, the next you're eating ketchup straight out of the bottle!
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Joey I've got a great name for you! Joey! Joey's your friend, Joey's your pal. You can't name a Joey you don't like!
Chandler What about Joey Buttafuco?
Joey Yeah, that guy really hurt us...
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Phoebe I just said that so you would think I was a Good Person! Fight for me!
Eric Er... I won't take no for an answer?
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Phoebe So it seems that I was born, and then everyone started lying their asses off?
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Phoebe Hey, look, I have Elbows! Ahhh!
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Ross Cat!
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Phoebe That is Brand New Information!
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Chandler It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
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Chandler There's a time and a place! That's what deathbed confessions are for!
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Rachel You really think I didn't say "goodbye" because I don't care?
Ross That's what it seemed like.
Rachel I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know *one* thing about me.
Ross Fine. Then why didn't you say something?
Rachel Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you! When I think about not seeing you everyday, it makes me not want to go! Okay? So if you think that, that I didn't say "goodbye" to you because you don't mean as much to me as everyone else, you're wrong. It's because you mean *more* to me. So there! All right? *There's* your goodbye!
Ross Rach!
Rachel What?
Ross You ca - ! You keep - ! You can't - !
Rachel What?
[Ross kisses her]
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Joey So how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And the next thing you know, you're in the bathtub together and she's feeding you strawberries?
Chandler Isn't that what happened with you and the bridesmaid?
Joey Yeah! I call that "London style."
Monica No, that is not what happened with us.
Phoebe Ooh, maybe you should say it is because "London style" sounds nice.
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Monica [about Richard] He happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated sexiest men I've even been with.
Ross Dr. Burke is sexy?
Rachel Rachel, Phoebe: Oh, God! Absolutely!
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Chandler Does she not deserve Love? Don't look at me like that, he's the one that wants to bonk the Maniac!
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Chandler You kissed my best Ross!
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Dr. Leonard Green So, Geller, is this what you dumped my Rachel for,
[points at Mona]
Dr. Leonard Green so you could hang around with this tramp!
Mona *Tramp*?
Ross Oh, uh; Dr. Green, Mona; Mona, Dr. Green.
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Dr. Leonard Green Rust is boat cancer, Ross!
Ross I lost an aunt to that.
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Ross It's always been you, Rachel!
[they kiss and are happy until a minute and a half later, when Rachel notices her name on Chandler's Computer Screen]
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Joey What's wrong with me? It looked more delicious when it was a penis!
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Ross I made Marcel's favorite: Banana cake...
Joey Mmm.
Ross ...with mealworm.
Joey Ugh.
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Ross You deserve someone who knows what he has when he has you.
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Croupier Stop it!
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Kid Hey, is this the place with the Singing Lady who Tells the Truth?
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Richard I like them better than my other friends, all they say is: "Do you know who just died shovelling snow?"
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Richard My parents are dead.
Monica You're so lucky!
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Chandler Hell is full of people like you.
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Phoebe I just gave birth to three children and I will not see them grow up in a World where Joey is right!
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Chandler Big head, big head, big head!
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Chandler Full bag... warm bowl... something horrible must have happened here!
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Rachel You just grabbed some insane woman at the Coffee House?
Ross None of the Sane ones wanted to come back with me!
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Chandler When I get back it's going to be Chair City, and I'll be the one who's sitting on chairs!
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Joey Tribbiani [whispers] Not knowing when to shut up!
Ross Yep, that's my thing...
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Monica You are just going to have to stop pissing me off.
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Joey Tribbiani Opposite is opposite!
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Joey [Ululates]
Chandler [Presents the flapping Chicken unto him]
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Dr Long Please don't name your Baby Phaebo.
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Joey He's finally letting her have it!
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Ross Eeee!
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Ross Ugly Baby Judges you!
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Chandler Who's the Bitterest man in the living room/ the Bitterest man in the living room? Hello, Neighbour!
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Joey's Hand Hi Daddy! Why don't you live with Mommy? Who's that other Lady? What's a Lesbian?
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Ross You're going to destroy the Whole Illusion of the Party!
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Richard Let's never speak of this.
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Joey This, more than anything, is a staging area.
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Chandler So, is he house trained or is he going to leave little bathroom tiles all over the place?
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Rachel [goes crosseyed] Wow, must have been Drake.
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Chandler [Drunk, Ross and Chandler's famous romance-author Mother kissed] I expect this from her, she's always been a Freudian nightmare.
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Joey You're mean in England!
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Jessica Lockhart What writer? Was it bald or was it tall?
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Monica There may be something we can fashion.
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Rachel Come on, Monica! They are Cute Doctors.
[gesture]
Rachel Doctors who are
[gesture]
Rachel Cute!
Chandler So what have we learned so far? Rachel, what's all this about you and Doctors? I mean, was your Father a Doctor?
Rachel ...Yes.
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Joey Up is not an option.
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Rachel Aw, this is a present from my boyfriend. It's a Love Bug, ha!
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[repeated line]
Phoebe Oh, yay!
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Ross I want someone who gets my heart pounding
[sees Rachel]
Ross ... Someone who makes me...
Chandler Little play things with yarn?
Ross What?
Chandler Could you want her more?
Ross Who?
Chandler Dee the sarcastic sister from "What's Happening".
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Rachel I thought I would catch up on my Correspondence.
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Director [Opens the Newspaper. Is it the Name of his Play or the Date?] Boxing Day...
[Ah, it's America, never mind]
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Copy Shop Girl Is this because I stole one of your shoes? I'm sorry. I do that!
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Rachel What are you doing?
Chandler I'm going to College, and I'm in a Band!
Rachel Sure, okay.
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Chandler He said, "Hi, Bob! Want a donut?" And I wanted a Donut. And now it's 5 years later, the donut's gone, and I'm still Bob.
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Joey You're single! Have some hormones!
Ross But I don't want to be single. I just want to be married again.
[Rachel runs in the coffeehouse in a wedding dress]
Chandler And *I* just want a million dollars!
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Chandler Chandler, Ross: Hi.
Rachel What's the matter with you?
Chandler Some mean guys at the coffeehouse took my hat!
Rachel No?
Joey You're kiddin'?
Ross It was ridiculous. These guys, they were bullies, actual bullies. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
Rachel Oh, hi.
Ross Hi.
[they both hug]
Chandler Oh...
[he turns as if to hug someone]
Chandler Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.
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[repeated line]
Ross Hi...
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Rachel You've learned some new moves!
Ross Yeah, well, this guy at work gave me "Sex for Dummies" as a joke. Who's laughing now?
Rachel I am.
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Rachel Well, I don't know all the words!
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Rachel You know, when it's not a headboard it's not worth it!
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Chandler I guess that's why they call it Psychology, Sir.
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Chandler You can't leave me! I've got your shoe!
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Janice What we have is like Movie Love.
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Chandler Could we be more white trash?
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Monica Well, I lost my Erection!
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Ross Come here to me...
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Chandler So the question is: How dumb are you?
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Monica We need a distraction. Now you go in there, and you do whatever it is you do that makes Ross go "Reeeee!"
Rachel Or...
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Joey You know what the best thing about marriage is? Waking up next to the same face every morning, until the sweet release of death.
Chandler This is the worst Batchelor Party ever!
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Chandler You made my girlfriend think!
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Chandler I was being Shelley Winters from the Poseidon Adventure.
Ross I know.
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Ross There's going to be Hoopla?
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Joey The guy is like a cartoon!
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Rachel I'm tired of getting clobbered.
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Rachel I can't go alone to my own Prom, it's too harsh!
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Ross My Dad would say "Why are you messing around with Dinosaur Toys? Why don't you go out and play like a Real Boy!"
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Jack Geller [watches touchdown on pocket TV at Funeral] God, now I'm Depressed! I mean more than before...
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Monica [Caught Phonehacking] I might be getting my period, I don't know.
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Joey They say I was so badly injured that the only person who could have saved me was me. It's some kind of Irony...
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Chandler Something funny about sneakers.
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Monica It turns out Fun Bobby was Fun for a Reason!
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Joey Rachel, if you're going to the airport, could you get me one of those Tobelerone Bars?
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Monica You like having baths with me!
Chandler [an American] It's not the bath I like, it's the wet naked Lady!
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Joey No, I'm upset because nobody believed Quincy's Theory!
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Rachel [an American] I've got something that's going to make you hap-py!
[replacement bracelet]
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Joey I am very wisdomous.
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Rachel Oh, who are you, the Memory Woman?
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Rachel Oh, could you please, for once, just not remember every little thing?
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Ross Yeah, Rachel and I have a baby now, can you believe it?
Gunther No, I can't believe she slept with you in the first place.
Ross .... Huh?
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Monica Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! SEVEN! SEVEN!
[holds up seven fingers]
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Pete I like it when we put things on the head of a pin.
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Rachel Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it.
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Rachel I'm okay. I've got my girls.
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Joey Morning's here! Morning is here!
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Jack Geller I never used to picture you having sex at all. It was a simpler time.
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Joey What happens when you flick it?
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Chandler So, Janice, who's the lucky guy whose essence you've stolen?
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Chandler What if Joey was President?
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Chandler If only there were something in your head to stop you saying stupid stuff!
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Chandler Oh, the Humanity!
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Joey Whom.
[Stunned Silence]
Joey YEAH!
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Richard If it's not a Right Angle, it's a Wrong Angle!
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Actors Who Said Iconic Phrases
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