The Guru Movie Quotes
Vijay
Name one famous Indian in America.
Sanjay
That guy from the Simpsons.
Vijay
He is a cartoon!
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Vijay
Do you know why they call it the American Dream? Because it only happens when you are asleep.
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Vijay
[shouting while knockin at the door of his roomates]
IMMIGRATION!
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Chantal
[Edwin in her bedroom]
What's wrong? You haven't been up here since the Reagan administration.
[Chantal freaks out]
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Lexi
Mother, when you realize that not all people of color were put here to serve you?
Chantal
Lexi, darling, how can say that? I've served food to the homeless. Good food. Food I'd eat myself if I still ate carbs.
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Sharonna
My pussy is the gateway to my soul.
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Rusty McGee
[Ramu pretends to be fixing toilet after Rusty gets home early and surprises them]
Why doesn't he have any tools?
Sharonna
He's a holistic plumber.
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Chantal
I give you Swami Bu.
Vijay
Swami, you're on.
[a drunk Swami collapses]
Vijay
Swami Bu has gone to another dimension.
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Ramu Gupta
[walks into the apartment, and Sanjay and Vijay are watching a porno with Sharonna in it]
What are you watching?
Vijay
[makes a sex motion]
M-M-M-M-My Sharonna. Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm.
Ramu Gupta
YOU BASTARDS! TURN IT OFF!
[jumps on Sanjay]
Sanjay
You've never seen Good Will Hunting?
Vijay
We also have Star Wars, Episode 69.
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Sanjay
[awestruck]
I talked to a real live pornstar... and she sounded naked!
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Father
Enough of this swapping of spit! Let's celebrate!
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Sharonna
I'm engaged to a nice, normal guy. Do you know how hard it is to find a nice, normal guy in New York?
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Vijay
You have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, food in your belly, what more do you want?
Ramu Gupta
I want what you promised.
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Ramu Gupta
You need to do your own thing. Live your own life.
[walks away angrily]
Lexi
I'm going to meditate on that.
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Ramu Gupta
The most powerful sexual organ is your brain. Think about it.
[Faces woman]
Ramu Gupta
Are you thinking?
Turned-on Woman
My whole body is about to think!
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Mira
Ramu is on TV!
Mrs. Gupta
What he is talking about?
Nana
Sexual intercourse.
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Hank the Cameraman
[wedding guests are unaware that Hank is a porno cameramen]
Pretend that I'm not here.
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Ramu Gupta
Is the Mercedes in the shop or something?
Vijay
Or something.
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Rasphal the Cook
Is he doing the Macarena?
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Hoseman
Rusty! My heart beats for you.
[everyone else looks around perplexed]
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