Logan
Modern woman has disowned womanhood but refuses man's obligations. She demands freedom but won't accept responsibility. She insists upon time to develop her personality, and she spends it in cogitating on which part of her body to paint next.
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Leslie
You're much too nice to turn me out.
Logan
Nice! My dear young lady, you don't know me. The trouble with me is that I'm weak. A charming young girl like you can put anything over on me in five minutes. But at least I know my weakness, so I force myself to be rude. Sometimes even brutal!
[Leslie starts backing Logan into a corner]
Leslie
You do like talking about yourself, don't you?
Logan
Why... yes... most men do. But at least they know the truth about themselves. Women don't. They only know the truth about each other.
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Logan
Modern woman has no loyalty, decency, or justice; no endurance, reticence, or self-control; no affection, fine feelings, or mercy. In short, she is unprincipled, relentless, and exacting; idle, unproductive, and tedious; unimaginative, humorless, and vain; vindictive, undignified, and weak. And the sooner man takes out his whip again, the better for sanity and progress.
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Logan
We have ample opportunities in this court for learning what women mean, or what they mean they mean if in these days they mean anything at all.
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Logan
Because of my profession I happen to be able to know what lies behind those dear deceiving lips...
Leslie
Oh - you're a dentist?
Logan
No! I'm a barrister!
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Logan
Think back to that sacred ceremony. There she stood... an innocent girl about to face the most perilous moment in her life.
Lord Mere
Look here, Logan, you've got this slightly mixed. She's not an innocent girl. Before she married me, she was divorced from Lord Lauderdale... trains race hoses.
Logan
Oh.
Lord Mere
Uh huh, and you can say "Oh!" again. Before she married Lord Lauderdale, she was divorced from the Baron de Brussac who makes an inferior grade of brandy.
Logan
She's a French woman?
Lord Mere
An American. Her first husband was called Wild Man Cavanaugh - a professional wrestler by trade. She got rid of him at Reno.
Logan
She's impossible! Four marriages, and she's so young.
Lord Mere
Who said she was so young?
Logan
Uh, you did, didn't you?
Lord Mere
Ah hah. As a matter of fact, she looks young - enchantingly so. But, she's a serpent, you know... a viper. Coils herself about the heart of an innocent man and then strikes. I must get rid of her or face certain ruin.
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Lord Steele
I'm appalled to think that my granddaughter should leave this house at nine in the evening and return at nine in the morning.
Jefferies
You know perfectly well, there are some girls you can't trust to go out and post a letter, but Miss Leslie you can trust to the North Pole.
Lord Steele
Isn't it my duty to ask her for a full account of her doings?
Jefferies
Well look, Tom, you're not a prying, meddlesome judge - you're an adoring grandpa.
[Lord Steele chuckles]
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Lord Mere
What's your opinion of women, Peters?
Peters, Club Attendant
Well, me lord, they have their uses as we know, but as to consulting with them, as you might say, I've only dabbled with them.
Lord Mere
Well, why don't we leave it at that? Women are a menace... a menace, Peters. Look at Eden.
Peters, Club Attendant
What, the foreign secretary, sir?
Lord Mere
No, you fool. The Garden of Eden - Adam and Eve. You know the story?
Peters, Club Attendant
Well, yes, I remember... but it was a little bit before my time.
Lord Mere
Well, it's still going on. The woman leads the man up the garden path and leaves him in the lurch for a snake in the grass.
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Leslie
But aren't you being a little cynical, grandpa?
Lord Steele
I don't think so. And every day I learn things about which even the cleverest grandchildren know nothing at all.
Leslie
But you don't mean that he might prefer a bad woman to a...
Lord Steele
Very often... and so do you.
Leslie
Me?
Lord Steele
Certainly! What made you play the woman with the past? Because you felt you could wear your imaginary adventures like an alluring costume, didn't you? Things in the past - they were a great success. The danger is that when the costume falls off, the young man may look at you and wonder whatever on earth he saw in such an innocent slip of a girl.
Leslie
Grandad, what should I do? I love the brute so much.
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Logan
Where is she?
Logan's office boy
Well, they were here, sir.
Logan
What do you mean, they? Where was she?
Logan's office boy
She was two, sir.
Logan
Now, you... you opened the door and she came in?
Logan's office boy
They came in sir.
Logan
What did you ask?
Logan's office boy
What name, madame?
Logan
And what did she say?
Logan's office boy
They said, "Lady Mere."
Logan
She!
Logan's office boy
They!
Logan
One lady said, "Lady Mere."
Logan's office boy
Two, sir.
Logan
There were two ladies here?
Logan's office boy
Two, sir.
Logan
And two ladies said, "Lady Mere?"
Logan's office boy
Two, sir.
Logan
Where are they?
Logan's office boy
Well, they just disappeared, sir.
Logan
You better disappear too. Go back to your father and tell him I'm in no mood for a congenital idiot.
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Logan
That's just what I was thinking when you came busting in.
Leslie
I didn't bust, I crept.
Logan
Oh, may I ask when you propose to creep out again?
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Logan
Do you mind telling me this morning what your name is?
Leslie
Leslie.
Logan
What Leslie?
Leslie
What do you mean, what Leslie? Leslie's my Christian name.
Logan
Oh, I say... odd.
Leslie
What's yours?
Logan
...Everard.
[Pausing and mumbling quietly]
Leslie
What?
Logan
Everard!
Leslie
...Incredible.
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Leslie
By the way, what is your last name?
Logan
Logan.
Leslie
Lo-gan.
Logan
No, not Lo-gan. It's not Chinese. Logan!
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Lord Steele
You've been messing this paper about. Been trying to do the crossword puzzle.
Jefferies
I don't read your paper. I have my own, and you know it.
Lord Steele
Altogether, I know too much about you.
Jefferies
Then I had better go, altogether.
Lord Steele
That is exactly what I wanted to tell you.
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Lord Mere
[Mumbling to himself over brandy at the club]
Your wife's the most awfully clever woman in the world?
[Later]
Lord Mere
What did he mean, my wife's the most awfully clever woman in the world?
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Leslie
And what do you think he said about women?
Lady Mere
Could have been anything.
Leslie
He said we were merciless, stupid, brainless and hopeless.
Lady Mere
You know, he's not very far wrong? Anything else?
Leslie
Yes. He said we spend half our time wondering what part of our bodies to paint next.
Lady Mere
Oh, well, now my dear, that is a lie.
[as she's getting her toenails painted]
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Leslie
Good morning, grandpa.
Lord Steele
Is it? Where have you been?
Leslie
Hasn't Jeffries told you?
Jefferies
I most certainly did tell you. You know perfectly well there was a fog last night and Miss Leslie spent the night at the Royal Parks Hotel.
Lord Steele
Her father and mother are in India, and I'm responsible for her.
Jefferies
So am I.
Lord Steele
You? I'm her grandfather.
Jefferies
Seems I know her better.
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Logan
You only do yourself harm if you... if you hide anything from your doctor or your lawyer.
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Logan
What am I doing, standing here, kissing you...
Leslie
And doing it very well, if I may say so.
Logan
...when your husband is in there, and his solicitor, and...
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Logan
I adore you. Do you love me?
Leslie
I like you.
Logan
Is that all?
Leslie
I'm very fond of you.
Logan
That's not enough.
Leslie
I have interest in you.
Logan
That's still not enough.
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Logan
Will you give her a message?
Lord Mere
Yes.
Logan
Will you tell her for me that I think she's the most awfully clever woman in the world?
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Lord Mere
By gad, it's that cad, Limmet.
Leslie
Well, why a cad?
Lord Mere
Awful fella. Shoots foxes all the time and rides over hounds half the winter.
Leslie
And what does he do with his spare time?
Lord Mere
Makes love to other fellow's wives. But if he thinks he's got a chance with Clare, he's barking up the wrong tree.
[Switch to Lady Mere telling Limmet she'll meet him somewhere]
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Leslie
He left no address?
Slade
None!
Leslie
Didn't he say when he was coming back?
Slade
Yes... never!
Leslie
Well, what about his work?
Slade
Chuck it! And he had a case of a lifetime coming on next week.
Leslie
What's that?
Slade
The Strangeways divorce. Four correspondents.
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