Problem Child 2 Movie Quotes
Ben Healy
Junior, you remember Ms. Klaukinski.
Junior
How could I forget? Her pie gave us the runs.
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Junior
Ahh, finally I get some room in here.
'Big' Ben Healy
You little psycho, this time you've gone too far.
Junior
Ah, shut your trap.
'Big' Ben Healy
You're an evil boy. And you've gotta learn to respect your elders. If your old man won't teach you some manners, by god I will.
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Junior
Are you the guy that married Debbie Claukinski?
Junior
Well, I thought you'd like to know, she found herself a new guy, and their out at the St. Pierre club, having fun at your expense.
Voytek
Who is this?
Junior
Just call me... a friend.
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[after Junior shows the town a video of his babysitter and her boyfriend having sex]
Ben Healey
Junior, we're new here! Can't we at least attempt to fit in?
Junior Healey
What are you getting onto me for? I didn't do anything. I just watched it.
Ben Healey
Yes, and so did the entire neighborhood.
Junior Healey
I didn't hear any complaints.
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Trixie
You're gonna wish you'd never been born.
Junior
Ooh! I'm really scared. I'm being threatened by the Tidy Bowl girl!
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Ben Healy
Junior, now you get out of this car! You are going to school.
Junior
No way I'd rather eat a turd!
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Mr. Thorn
[Junior enters his new classroom and the students begin laughing at him, while his new teacher Mr. Thorn walks over and rolls his eyes tiresomely]
Oh, no. Not another one. How many kids are they going to make me teach?
[Junior hands Mr. Thorn his envelope]
Mr. Thorn
Well, get in here and find a seat. Go ahead. Come on, come on, come on! Hustle, small fry. I'm not gonna have you holding up my class all year. now, let's move it!
[Junior sits down at his desk]
Mr. Thorn
Now, let's start with a nice easy review to see how much you underachievers remember from last year. Polly, what's 17 times 8?
Polly
136.
[Bows rather smart and sits back down]
Mr. Thorn
Good. Richard, what's 72 divided by -9?
Richard
-8, sir.
[sits back down]
Mr. Thorn
Fine. Murph!
[cut to Murph picking his nose]
Mr. Thorn
Murph! What's 3 plus 2?
Murph
Mmmmm... 4.
[Everyone laughs]
Mr. Thorn
[sighs]
Murph, you've been in the 6th grade since I started teaching here, I really want to get you out this year. Now, please, please work with me. What's 3 plus 2?
Murph
9?
[Everyone laughs again as Mr. thorn closes his eyes in despair]
Mr. Thorn
I can see this is going to be a long year.
Mr. Thorn
You!
[walks over to Junior's desk]
Mr. Thorn
What're you saying?
Junior
Uh, I said 5.
Mr. Thorn
Dandy, I'm glad someone's paying attention here.
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Junior
But my dad said the 3rd grade is the foundation of my education.
Mr. Peabody
Oh, your dad said that. Your dad is a Moron. He's a moron, you know what a moron is?, that's what your dad is.
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[Junior is about to draw a mustache on a photo of Annie]
Trixie
I wouldn't do that if I were you!
Junior
If I were you I wouldn't do alot of things, like go out in public.
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Trixie
What'd you want me to come over so late for?
Junior
I had this crazy idea. I think our parents should get married!
Trixie
What are you talking about? Your dad is taken!
Junior
Well you know what, he may have a sudden change in plans.
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Lawanda Dumore
What is that man doing?
'Big' Ben Healy
I'm 'Big' Ben Healy. I live here.
Lawanda Dumore
You live in that tree?
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Murph
You don't know who you're talking to. I'm a senior student at this school.
Junior
No shit, you've been here since 1970.
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[Trixie just tied up the players for the puppet show and continues it herself]
[as Baldy]
Trixie
Yeah I had to scratch my balls!
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Trixie
I think your dad likes my mom. Usually when a guy does that, I hit him with a car and I knock him down the stairs, I've gotta look out for her. But your dad, he doesn't bug me so much.
Junior
And you know something? Your mom doesn't bug me so much.
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Ben Healey
Junior, 3rd grade is the foundation of a great education. If you don't go, you'll only hurt yourself.
Junior Healy
I'm sure I'll take a few others down with me.
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Ben Healy
Junior's getting worse, we can't even figure out what he did to that dog!
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Mr. Peabody
Screw you pal! I can talk that way to anyone however I want!
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'Big' Ben Healy
[finds his own dog in a yard sale]
Nippy, what the hell are you doing here? They're selling you for a nickel?
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[from the TV version]
Junior
Dad, can we go? These people are total idiots!
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[from the TV version]
Junior
I'd rather jump off a cliff.
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Trixie
Junior, I'm sorry I squirted you with the fire hose.
Junior
That's okay, I'm sorry I made you barf on the Crazy Dance.
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Lawanda Dumore
Listen here you little monster! I am gonna marry your daddy. And then you'll be on the next plane to boarding school. In Baghdad!
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Mr. Peabody
I'll have to call you back. I gotta deal with one of the little weenies right now.
[Hangs up phone and then talks through intercom]
Mr. Peabody
Send the little sweetheart in.
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[seeing his made-over bedroom]
Junior
Clowns! I hate clowns! This woman is busting my balls!
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Lawanda Dumore
I'm Pinocchio!
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[Problem Child 2 edit on TV on NBC a new words]
Junior
Clowns. I hate clowns! This woman has got to be destroyed!
[Here, Roaches at the roach hotel]
Junior
Hey, guys, what are you doing for dinner tonight?
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Ben Healy
Junior, we are new here in this community. Can't we, at least, attempt to fit in?
Junior
What're you getting angry at me for? I didn't do it. I just watched it.
Ben Healy
Yes, and so did the entire neighborhood.
Junior
I didn't hear any complaints.
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Mr. Thorn
[Notices Junior entering his classroom for the first time]
[Annoyed and overwhelmed]
Mr. Thorn
Oh, no! Not another one! How many kids are they gonna make me teach?
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[Problem Child 2 edit for TV on NBC with the best modified version. The first day at Mortville school in fall]
Ben Healy
Junior, now you get out of this car. You are going to school!
Junior
I'd rather jump off a cliff.
Ben Healy
Junior, 3rd grade is the foundation of a great education. If you don't go, you'll only hurt yourself.
Junior
I'll take a couple others down with me.
Ben Healy
Junior, I am your father and you'll do as I say! Now, come on.
[Ben ripped the front seat off the car and help Junior get out. Ben wins]
Junior
Now look what you've done.
Ben Healy
Get over here.
[Give this a slip to Junior]
Ben Healy
Take this. Goodbye and good luck.
[Now he's head off to the first day at school]
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Murph
[Edit with modified version. Murph meets his new classmate]
Who let the baby into the sixth grade? What's in your bag? Your diapers?
Junior
No, my lunch, you pin-head.
[Students stand back]
Murph
Little kid doesn't know who he's talking to. I'm senior student in this school.
Junior
Well, duh. You've been here since 1970.
Junior
Oh, you're gonna hurt!
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'Big' Ben Healy
[Here on TV is Big Ben]
That's why you want a franchise. Big Ben is the fastest-growing sports equipment empire.
Junior
Hey, it's Big Ben.
'Big' Ben Healy
[On TV]
Pick up that phone and call now. For just $399, you can get one of my starter kits. Then you'll be on your way to having it all, just like me, Big Ben Healy.
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Junior
Now, where is that surprise?
Ben Healy
Surprise!
Rhoda
Hi, Junior! I'm Rhoda, your babysitter. We're gonna be good friends.
Junior
Dad, let's slow this down a minute. Now, what is going on here?
Ben Healy
This is Rhoda, your babysitter. You're gonna be good friends.
Junior
Yeah, I heard that part. But why?
Debbie Claukinski
Yoo-hoo!
Ben Healy
Because I'm going out on a date.
Debbie Claukinski
Hi, Ben.
Ben Healy
Hi.
Debbie Claukinski
I'm all ready.
Ben Healy
Great. Junior, you remember Debbie Claukinski?
Junior
How can I forget? Her pie gave us the rash!
Ben Healy
That's - That's not true.
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Lawanda Dumore
I hate children. They ruin everything. If I had enough power, I'd wipe them off the face of the earth.
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Waiter
[the waiter is forcibly pushing Ben, Annie, Junior, and Trixie out of the restaurant after the food fight]
Keep it moving! Come on, let's go!
Ben Healy
Hey, hey, quit pushing. It wasn't out fault. I got hit in the head with an egg.
Waiter
Just get out of here and you can never come back to Pizzarific again!
Ben Healy
[sarcastically]
Oh, that's a big loss.
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Trixie
I'm gonna puke!
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Freckled Boy on Ride
I'm gonna barf! I'm gonna barf!
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Ben Healy
Junior, you failed me!
Junior
But, Dad, I swear, she hates me!
Ben Healy
We had a deal and you let me down!
Junior
She's different from all the others! Lawanda is bad!
Ben Healy
Junior, you think all women are bad! That poor woman has done nothing, but good intentions! She made us dinner tonight, and this is how you pay her back? I am really disappointed in you. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust you again.
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Ben Healy
Junior, why do you do these things to me? I thought we moved here to start over. People told me that you were a problem child, I said they were wrong. I said you just needed a chance to succeed. We don't have a normal life, especially me. I can't even go out on a date without something terrible happening.
Junior
Well, maybe you shouldn't go out.
Ben Healy
Junior, just because I interact with another human being doesn't mean that I love you any less. Can't you see that?
Junior
Well, I suppose.
Ben Healy
Suppose? All right, that's a start. That's what we can build on that. I'll tell you what, I'll make a deal. I promise you that I'll always be there for you, but you've gotta promise me that you're going to be good from now on.
Junior
Okay, I promise.
Ben Healy
See? That was a little too fast, "Okay, I promise." You got to think about it. It's not just an empty promise. This is a pact between you and me to regain some of the trust we used to have, okay? So, what do you say? Are you gonna improve so that I can be right when I brag about you to all my friends and tell them that I got the greatest kid there ever was?
Junior
Sure. I'll be better.
Ben Healy
Thataboy.
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[Junior & Trixie puts their hand on the giant love rock]
Junior
Almighty love rock, we come to you today to ask a big favor. We got these 2 parents and we want them to fall in love and get married, so I don't get stuck with that bitch Lawanda. I hope this isn't asking too much, but your a magic rock so your probably used to these things. Please help us.
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Madison
This neighborhood has a move-in fee
Dolly
You have to give each of us $10
Junior
20 bucks? I'm not giving you deadly squat!
Dolly
Dolly, Madison: Pay us or leave!
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[Junior is confronting Trixie in the girls' bathroom]
Trixie
You're gonna wish you'd never been born.
[places his hands on his hips]
Junior
Now, why have you been bugging me?
Junior
Says who?
Trixie
Me and my M-80.
[whips out an M-80, lights it and hands it to Junior]
Junior
Whoa! Whooa!
Trixie
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Junior
You're insane!
[flings the M-80 into the toilet and flushes it]
Junior
Let's get outta here!
[Junior and Trixie flee the bathroom, screaming. Mr. Thorn frantically runs through the hallway with his newspaper, in a rush to get to the bathroom, not knowing that the M-80 is traveling through the pipes]
Mr. Thorn
[hurries into the bathroom and pushes by another man]
Out of my way! I can't hold this one until recess.
[picks the first working stall, drops his pants, sits on the toilet, and sighs in relief]
Mr. Thorn
This is gonna feel so good.
[grabs his newspaper. The M-80 explodes directly under the toilet he is using, blasting him out of his shoes, and shooting toilet water everywhere]
Mr. Thorn
Ahhhhhh...
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Dolly
Dolly, Madison: Lemonade! Fresh, squeezed, Lemonade!
Junior
I'll have some lemonade.
Dolly
Dolly, Madison: Certainly, that'll be $2
Junior
[pulls out a quarter in his pocket] But I've only got a quarter?
Madison
Then I guess your going thirsty, loser!
Madison
Hey Dolly, there's no more lemonade. Go back and fill it up!
Dolly
I'm not gonna fill it up? Why don't you go fill it up!
Madison
I'm not gonna fill it up? Why don't you go fill it up!
Dolly
Dolly, Madison: Hey Junior, why don't you go back and fill it up!
Dolly
If you do the work, we might give you a free glass
Junior
Hmm... okay, I'll go fill it up?
[Junior grabs the lemonade container to the back, unzips his pants to urinate in it]
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[Problem Child 2 is edit for TV broadcast on NBC]
Junior
Dad, can we go? These people are total idiots.
Aron Burger
Well, excuse me, Your Highness. I didn't realize that simple little me and my simple little family weren't good enough for your high and mighty tastes. Hey, maybe I should go and slip on my silk tuxedo and then we can trot out the champagne and the escargots.
Ben Healy
Junior. Try to be polite. We're his guests.
Junior
OK, Dad.
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