Cooties Movie Quotes
Clint
You know what? You carry on with your symphony of death. I'll sneak around the school where there aren't any kids.
Wade
Oh, you'll sneak around, huh? Sneak around like a little Hobbit. No way! I'm taking the fight to them like a fuckin' Orc!
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Doug
Oh look, carnage!
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Doug
I learned all about the brain when I had a 6 inch spike lodged in my skull as a child. Which is the reason why you may have noticed that sometimes when I'm talking I use the wrong rowboat.
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Lucy
If I want to go in the fucking air conditioning duct, I'll go. I'm just going to die anyway just like the rest of you assholes, so maybe I'm going to try to do something brave as a final pointless gesture of kindness in this cruel shitty world that likes taking gestures of kindness and shitting and peeing on them. You know what else? Since you're all going to be dead soon anyway, I should tell you. I hate every single one of you.
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[ignites the fuel setting said kids zone ablaze]
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Clint
...you parked so close, I-I couldn't get out of my...
Wade
My truck's got a dual reeow weeow.
Clint
I'm sorry?
Wade
Dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual weeow, dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual real wheel. Dual. Real. Reow reow. Got a dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual weeow, dual weeow.
Clint
I don't understand
Wade
It's got two extra wheels on the back part of it.
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Doug
Could everybody please listen up?
[they gather around to listen]
Doug
Guys don't make me ask again. Quiet, quiet please.
[no one is speaking]
Doug
Please be quiet!
Rebekkah
None of us are talking?
Doug
Rebekkah!
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Tamra
Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you have a cooties shot.
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[no one follows as he continues to explain to himself]
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Rebekkah
There's still so much I haven't done, like, like I've always wanted to fire an uzi . I don't know.
Tracy
I wanted a bunny. I always wanted a bunny growing up and... never got one.
Wade
You know what I want? I want to know why my brother in law makes ten times what I do. You know what he does for a living? He makes giant foam fingers for football games. Like you tell people you're a teacher and they look at you like oh you must have wanted to do something else and you couldn't get anything going its like fuck you man. I'm raising your kids. I love my job. And teachers deserve respect!
Doug
Yeah.
Wade
And I'm sorry that it took me till today to realize this but... I really actually like you guys.
Doug
I always wanted to have sex with a prostitute who was nonwhite.
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Lucy
Uh, Wade? Have you met Clint?
Wade
I have not.
[Shaking Clint's hand]
Wade
Pleased to meet you with meat to please you.
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Wade
I'm giving you kids an F, for FUCK YOU!
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Rebekkah
Maybe we were created by an all-knowing God, who sent down his only son to die for us. Or maybe we were monkey people who sat around crapping in each other's mouths until one day we were like, "I don't like all this hair; just on my head and crotch, please!" Who can say? I can't, because the state of Illinois doesn't allow me to, Hank.
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Clint
Why is Sex Ed Always taught by the creepiest teachers?
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Doug
Nugget out of here.
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Rebekkah
Once again, how do you know all this?
Doug
I learned all about the brain when I had a six inch spike lodged in my brain as a child. Which is why, you may have noticed, sometimes when I'm talking, I use the wrong rowboat.
Lucy
Word.
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Rebekkah
Well I'd feel worse if all these dead people weren't from fucking Danville.
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Wade
All right, ladies, here's the plan. We get down on that ledge, jump to the ground, hightail it like linebackers to our cars, boom.
Clint
I thought you tried to outrun them. You said they were too fast for you.
Wade
Yeah, but that was before I had a weapon.
Clint
A violin?
Wade
Not just a violin. It's an instrument of death. I propose we create a symphony of death. Everyone grab an instrument. Here. You take this
[hands Clint a tambourine]
Wade
.
Clint
Oh, yeah, that'll be real effective.
Wade
I'm offering leadership. What are you offering, besides throwing hot pots of coffee at people, or writing a stupid book no one wants to read about some guy who wants to fuck a boat?
Clint
It's not about a guy who wants to fuck a boat. It's a book about obsession and possession...
Wade
He wants to fuck the boat, and you know it.
Clint
Listen...
Wade
Listen, little Stevie King...
Clint
There's an invention called a cell phone that your stupid school confiscated. We need to get to the principal's office, grab our phones and call someone who can help quarantine these kids.
Wade
We're in a total lockdown in case you haven't noticed. We have been breached and there are little cootie kids right out there in the hallway who willingly will fucking rip your face off with their little teeth...
Clint
Well, shit...
Wade
With their little baby teeth, their big teeth haven't even come in yet.
Clint
You know what, you carry on with your symphony of death. I'll sneak around the school where there aren't any kids.
Wade
Oh, you sneak around, huh? Sneak around like a little hobbit. No way, I'm taking the fight to them like a fucking orc. And that is the difference between you and me. I don't wanna scurry. I don't wanna scurry around the hallway like a common squirrel.
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Rebekkah
Buddy, I don't know what that bitch drinks out of. Here's what I do know; I know that this is a rape button. It emits a shit-crazy alarm that will inform local police who will arrive in two minutes, should you decide to get touchy and/or feely. You wanna know why I have a rape button? Don't answer, I want to tell you. Because the government of the state of Illinois doesn't trust the citizenry enough to pass safe, sensible conceal and carry laws.
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Dink
Hey, you bit my friend's face. What are you sick or something?
[pauses, but Shelly doesn't answer]
Dink
Hey you bitch!
[Shelly scratches his face]
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[last lines]
Mr. Hatachi
...And the frog fucked the caterpillar... HA
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Calvin
[from trailer]
They've got cooties
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Doug
I always wanted to have sex with a prostitute who was non-white.
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Wade
Nap time, motherfuckers!
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[last lines]
Wade
I always know where my Dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual weeow, dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual real wheel. Dual. Real. Reow reow. Got a dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual weeow, dual weeow
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Dink
[Clint writes his name on the board]
[confused]
Dink
Is That Cunt?
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Patriot
You are so ugly. If my butthole had a butthole, that's what you'd look like.
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Wade
I played dodgeball a million times with these little shits. Go for the face. It's the weak spot.
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Patriot
Fuck You
Patriot's Mom
Fuck You Too
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[last lines]
Rhonda
What are you doing to your little brother?
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Moon
Watch it!
Clint
Sorry. Didn't see you there.
Moon
Well, maybe you should take in your surroundings more.
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Doug
I'm going to extract the brain.
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Wade
I thought today was gonna go way different than this. You have no idea. I thought you were radiant today, Lucy. And then I walk in, see you laughing, smiling at that little asshole. You know what I thought? I thought, wow! She looks so pretty when she smiles. How come she never smiles at me like that? Talk to ya later, Lucy. And go fuck yourself!
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