The Heat 2013 - Movie Quotes

Mullins [in bathroom] Jesus, what are those?

Ashburn Stop it, they're my Spanx. They hold everything together.

Mullins Why, what's gonna come popping out?

Ashburn Nothing, it just keeps everything where it's supposed to be. Like...

Mullins Shit, like medically?

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Mullins My fear is that I'm gonna put you in a bikini and you'll still look like a fucking bank teller.

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Captain Woods This job is destroying me... you know how old I am?

Ashburn Um... um... 58.

Captain Woods I'm 43 years old.

Ashburn Uh-huh... see I always round up.

Captain Woods I have a five year-old son who calls me Grampa.

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Ashburn Could you just close the door on your way out?

Mullins I'll shut the door on you. You lay down here and put your head in the door and I'll slam it about 157,000 fucking times.

Rojas Aw, shit, girl You'd better run. Run like you're on fire!

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Mullins You're giving her beauty advice? Do you even own a fucking mirror?

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Mullins What's wrong? You look a little pale... Snowcone.

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Mullins [about her comatose brother] It was a terrible resume. He mentioned prison, and in Special Skills he said, Keeping it real.

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Ashburn I was actually married for six-some years.

Mullins Was he a hearing man?

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Ashburn I'm gonna say this one more time. Stand down, Officer.

Mullins Fuck off, Officer.

Ashburn Oh, okay. Guess what? Now you've really done it. I'm going to call my boss.

Mullins You do that, tattle-tits! Fuckin' narc!

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Ashburn [Ashburn's cell phone rings] Ashburn.

[Hands phone to Mullins]

Ashburn Why don't you have your own phone?

Mullins What am I, the Queen of England?

Ashburn I don't know. Does the Queen of England only wear sweatpants?

Mullins Fuck you.

Ashburn You... 'F' you.

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Mullins [Walking toward a man on the street] Oh, shit.

Ashburn What's wrong?

Mullins Just... just don't look. Don't look! Don't look! Just act like we're talking.

Robin Hey, Shannon.

Mullins Hi, Robin.

Robin I really enjoyed our night together, Shannon. You just disappeared on me.

Mullins Yeah, I know. I was there.

Robin Well, can I take you to dinner? A movie or something?

Mullins God, buddy, do you not hear how pathetic everything out of your mouth sounds? I mean, there's a girl out there for you, but it's not... it's not me. Maybe it's her.

[indicating Ashburn]

Mullins Her lady business is like an old dirty attic. Full of broken Christmas lights and like doll shoes and shit. Why don't you clean THAT out for her?

Ashburn Uh, that's a... that's a misrepresentation of my vagina.

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Mullins You want something to eat? I didn't finish my submarine sandwich from the other day.

Ashburn Oh god, no thank you.

Mullins Sorry I don't have poached eggs and rubies for ya.

Ashburn No, I... I don't mean to be rude but one could catch a MRSA infection in here, that's all.

Mullins Yeah, what part of that wasn't rude?

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Mullins I'll kill her with your dead body!

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Rojas I had a joint and a few little bags of coke. Since when is that shit illegal?

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Ashburn Okay, here we go.

[Ashburn goes to pull the fire alarm in the club, and the face plate comes off in her hand]

Ashburn My God, there are absolutely no wires attached to this thing! And what is that?

[poking at object in recessed fire alarm box]

Ashburn What is that? Gum? Or is that... Silly Putty?

Mullins [Slaps Ashburn's hand] Don't touch that! That's a condom.

Ashburn [Ashburn dry heaves]

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Ashburn [Horn blows twice. A mini-van slowly drives up to Ashburn and Mullins as they are walking on the street. The van's windows are down, and the radio is blasting Boston's "More Than a Feeling" as the driver flips off Mullins] Who is... who is that?

Mullins My mom.

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Ashburn [getting angrier] God, you guys are just - what is the matter with you? You're such... you're just such jerks! You're just such... shit jerk! You're just a shit jerk dick... fucker! You're a shit jerk dick fucker assholer. And you can all just go fuck yourselves!

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Jason Mullins What are you gonna do, storm through Boston and take down a drug lord?

Mullins Yeah, I might. Have you met me?

Jason Mullins Yeah, unfortunately.

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Ashburn [Leans in close to talk to Mullins after waking up in a bar] Hey, how ya doin'?

Mullins Jesus, you've gotta get a mint in that dumpster.

Ashburn Oh, God, was I smoking cigarettes last night?

Mullins Yeah, you kept takin' 'em out of people's mouths and smoking them.

Ashburn God, that's so nasty.

Mullins It *was* pretty gross.

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Mullins Get on the ground! You are under arrest. Put your hands up where I can see them and tell me where the fuck Larkin is!

Dealer [Cocks gun and points it at Mullins] Hey, I think It'd be much more better if you put your hands up.

Ashburn [Cocks gun and points it at dealer] Much more better? Drop the gun and take a grammar course, you idiot.

Dealer Who the fuck are you?

Ashburn Me and her? We're the fucking heat!

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Mullins If you're not in trouble you're not doing your job.

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Mullins Who closes the door to take a shit?

Ashburn Humans.

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Mullins Two against two. I like those odds.

Ashburn I'm gonna call for backup.

LeSoire [Whispers] It's already here.

Ashburn Hey, I was looking for you. I forgot to get your number.

LeSoire Cool. It's 1-800-GiveMeYourFuckingGuns.

Ashburn That's too many numbers.

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Mrs. Mullins When did *you* become such a fuckin' princess?

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Levy Alright, ladies, here's the DNA results from the book of matches and the cigarette butt you got from Tatiana's. We pulled two sets of prints. First one's a real nut job. Look at this: reckless driving, assault, arson...

[pulls up Mullins' photo on the screen]

Ashburn [clears throat]

Levy Oh, God.

Ashburn Really?

Mullins Who the fuck is this guy?

Ashburn He's my assistant. What...?

Levy Uh, you know I'm an agent, right?

Ashburn Arson?

Mullins It was a drug house!

Levy [Ignored as he holds up his ID badge, whistles, and taps on it]

Ashburn I really feel the need to finish reading your files because this is just...

Mullins I really feel the need for you to stay out of my business so I don't punch you in the teeth.

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Gina Hey, Shan.

[Mullins knocks the cup out of her hand, spilling its contents on the floor, while walking away]

Gina Well, that was wicked rude.

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Mullins I see you have a cat.

Ashburn Yep.

Mullins Is he around? Because I'd kinda like to, you know, pet him and stuff.

Ashburn He ran away when I was in New York.

Mullins [getting emotional] Oh God, that tears me up.

Ashburn Yeah, it was a loss.

Mullins The cat got one look at your shitty life and said "no fucking thanks, man. I am outta here."

Ashburn I'm still kinda just grieving a little bit about it.

Mullins That fucking tabby is an asshole. That's what he is. Fuck you. Fuck you, that's what I say to that cat. God damn it.

[gives Ashburn a hug]

Mullins Such a shitty, shitty little life. You can't even keep a cat.

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Ashburn [after drunkenly breaking a glass and cutting her hand] Ah. Ah. I don't - I don't feel it. I don't feel it.

Mullins [laughs hysterically while raising Ashburn's arm] Keep it up!

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Jason Mullins Welcome home! Are you here to arrest me?

Mullins I hope not.

Jason Mullins [Looks at Ashburn] Are you selling bibles?

Mullins No, she's Ashburn.

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Tatiana [Mullins throws Tatiana's underwear at her] Don't touch underpants! Get out, bull in china shop! Out of my house! What the fuck's wrong with you?

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[Mullins orders a whiskey]

Club Ekko Bartender 14 dollars.

Mullins 14 dollars? Is it magic fucking whiskey? Do I get a motorcycle with it? Is it gonna be served in Jesus's shoe?

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Mullins [At the albino agent] Oh, all due respect to you, who's your wife? A five-pound bag of flour with a hole in it?

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Mullins Tatiana, you ready to get real?

Tatiana Let's get real.

Mullins We both know you've been blowing shit up your nose all day. Man, there's nothing I'd love more to do than slip into my camisole, put my feet up, have a little smack, Real good time, maybe a couple of cold ones, a little chip and dip, watch some cartoons. I'd get a big bowl of fucking coke, I'd put my face in it, cut it with a little Ritalin, heaven on fucking Earth, right? I'll camp out all week for tickets to that show.

Ashburn What is this, Training Day?

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Mullins [to Ashburn] Don't make me put the cat down and punch you.

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