Kip Lurie
Lawyers should never marry other lawyers. This is called in-breeding; from this comes idiot children and more lawyers.
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Amanda Bonner
Now, you look here, Kip. I'm fighting my prejudices, but it's clear that you're behaving like a, like a--well, I'd hate to put it this way--like a *man*.
Kip Lurie
You watch your language!
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Kip Lurie
Well, good luck tomorrow, Amanda. I'm on your side, I guess you know that. You've got me so convinced, I may even go out and become a woman. Goodnight.
[leaves]
Adam Bonner
And he wouldn't have far to go, either.
Amanda Bonner
Shh!
Adam Bonner
What's a matter?
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Adam Bonner
[takes a bite out of his fake gun]
Licorice. If there's anything I'm a sucker for, it's licorice.
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Amanda Bonner
And after you shot your husband... how did you feel?
Doris Attinger
Hungry!
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Amanda Bonner
What I said was true: there's no difference between the sexes. Men, women, the same.
Adam Bonner
They are, huh?
Amanda Bonner
Well, maybe there is a difference, but it's a little difference.
Adam Bonner
Well, you know as the French say...
Amanda Bonner
What do they say?
Adam Bonner
Vive la Difference!
Amanda Bonner
Which means?
Adam Bonner
Which means hooray for that little difference.
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Beryl Caighn
She tried to shoot me.
Adam Bonner
How do you know that?
Beryl Caighn
Because she did it.
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Adam Bonner
No matter what you think you think, you think the same as I think.
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Amanda Bonner
And when did you stop loving your wife? Tell the truth.
Warren Francis Attinger
At least
[shrugs]
Warren Francis Attinger
3 years.
Amanda Bonner
Why? Tell the truth.
Warren Francis Attinger
She started getting too fat.
Amanda Bonner
Did you tell her about that?
Warren Francis Attinger
Yes.
Amanda Bonner
What happened?
Warren Francis Attinger
She got fatter.
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Amanda Bonner
Nobody died in the evening paper, isn't that nice?
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Adam Bonner
[Adam spanks Amanda's bottom and she gets off the massage table and glares at him]
What's the matter? Don't you want your rubdown? What? What are ya, sore about a little slap?
Amanda Bonner
No.
Adam Bonner
Well, what then?
Adam Bonner
Why, no, I...
Amanda Bonner
Yes, you did. I can tell. I know your type. I know a *slap* from a *slug*.
Adam Bonner
Well, OK, OK... .
Amanda Bonner
I'm not so sure it is. I'm not so sure I care to--expose myself to typical instinctive masculine brutality.
Adam Bonner
Oh, come now.
Amanda Bonner
And it felt not only as though you meant it, but as though you felt you had a *right* to. I can tell.
Adam Bonner
What've you got back there? Radar equipment?
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Amanda Bonner
[addressing the court]
For years, women have been ridiculed, pampered, chucked under the chin. I ask you, on behalf of us all, be fair to the fair sex.
Adam Bonner
We'll be here a year.
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Amanda Bonner
No part of marriage is the exclusive province of any one sex.
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Kip Lurie
Did I hear someone say "sing it again"?
Adam Bonner
No!
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Amanda Bonner
Let's all be manly!
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Adam Bonner
Pinkie?
Amanda Bonner
What, Pinky?
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Adam Bonner
Is that what they taught you at Yale Law School?
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Adam Bonner
What do you want around here, anyway?
Kip Lurie
As if you didn't already know.
[looks at Amanda]
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Kip Lurie
I'd probably love anybody who lived right across the hall from me. It's so convenient. Is there anything worse than that awful taking a girl home and then that long trek back alone?
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Amanda Bonner
Mr. Attinger had never touched you before this time?
Beryl Caighn
Sure
Amanda Bonner
Ahh!
Beryl Caighn
We used to shake hands quite a lot.
Amanda Bonner
I see. Did you enjoy it?
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Amanda Bonner
I have called these few witnesses to assist me in graphically illustrating my point that woman as the equal of man is entitled to equality before the law. They have been carefully selected to testify in this case. Each representing a particular branch of American womanhood for not only one woman is on trial here but all women.
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Kip Lurie
Amanda, my love, why do you stay married to a legal beagle with ten thumbs?
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Warren Francis Attinger
[to Adam Bonner]
Listen, you don't get a split lip from imagination!
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Amanda Bonner
Deep in the heart of South America there thrives today a civilization far older than ours. A people known as the Lorcananos descended from the Amazons. In this vast tribe members of the female sex rule and govern and systematically deny equal rights to the *men* made weak and puny by years of subservience too weak to revolt. And yet how long have we lived in the shadow of a like injustice?
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Amanda Bonner
May I remind the court of the words of the poet Congreve? "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned nor hell a fury like a woman scorned!"
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Adam Bonner
You're having the wrong kind of fun down in that courtroom. You're shaking the law by the tail and I don't like it!
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Warren Francis Attinger
Mr. Attinger, did you ever--strike your wife?
Warren Francis Attinger
Not much.
Amanda Bonner
Tell the jury yes or no. Yeah.
Warren Francis Attinger
Yeah.
Amanda Bonner
Knock her down?
Warren Francis Attinger
What?
Amanda Bonner
You heard me. Did you ever knock her down? Tell the truth.
Warren Francis Attinger
Maybe a couple of times, she tripped or slipped.
Amanda Bonner
Scold her?
Warren Francis Attinger
Well...
Amanda Bonner
Tell the jury yes or no.
Warren Francis Attinger
Yeah.
Amanda Bonner
Stay out all night.
Warren Francis Attinger
Yep.
Amanda Bonner
Do you consider yourself a good husband?'
Warren Francis Attinger
Yes.
Amanda Bonner
That's all.
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Amanda Bonner
You're aging fast, that's all.
Adam Bonner
You can say that again.
Amanda Bonner
All right, I will. You're aging fast, that's all.
Adam Bonner
Oh, and you're helping.
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Adam Bonner
Oh, don't be diriculous, ridiculous.
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Amanda Bonner
Law, like man, is composed of two parts. Just as man is body and soul so is the law letter and spirit.
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Court Stenographer
Pinkie?
Adam Bonner
Yes.
Court Stenographer
What's that? A name?
Adam Bonner
Yes.
Court Stenographer
Whose?
Adam Bonner
The Counsel for the defense.
Court Stenographer
Oh. Is that a Y or an I-E?
Amanda Bonner
Y for him, I-E for me.
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Adam Bonner
I think the arguments advanced by the Counsel for the defense were sound. Mere sound.
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Amanda Bonner
Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury I request that you join me in a revealing experiment. I ask you all to direct your attention to the defendant, Mrs. Attinger. Now keep looking at her. Keep watching. Listen carefully and look at her. Look at her hard. Now imagine her - a man. Go on now. Use your imaginations. Think of her as a man sitting there accused of a like crime. A husband who was only trying to protect his home. Now hold it, hold that impression and look at - Beryl Caighn. Look at her. Look at her hard. A man. A slick homewrecker. A third party. A wolf! You know the type. Alright, hold that impression and look at - Mr. Attinger and suppose him a woman. Try. Try hard. Ah, yes, there she is. The guilty wife. Look at her. Does she arouse your sympathy? Alright! Now you have it. Judge it so!
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Amanda Bonner
I may be wrong about much--about plenty--but not about this.
Kip Lurie
Not about--what?
Amanda Bonner
Marriage. What it's supposed to be? What makes it work or perfect?
Kip Lurie
You're so right.
Amanda Bonner
Balance, equality, mutual everything. There's no room in marriage for what used to be known as the little woman. She's got to be as big as the man is.
Kip Lurie
What if he's a little man?
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Kip Lurie
You beautiful barrister, you.
Amanda Bonner
As a friend, do--do you think--that I'm unreasonable?
Kip Lurie
I think you're--reasonable.
Amanda Bonner
Yes, but, but do, do I strike you--strike you as overbearing?
Kip Lurie
Under-bearing.
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Amanda Bonner
I have a thing or two to say too!
Adam Bonner
Oh, no, no.
Amanda Bonner
Or three!
Adam Bonner
Don't try me now, Pinkie.
Amanda Bonner
Don't you Pinkie me!
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Adam Bonner
I'm right and you're wrong.
Amanda Bonner
Worthless, corrupt, mean, rotten, dirty, contemptible, little, petty, gruesome, contemptible...
Adam Bonner
You said all that before.
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Kip Lurie
Just pretend like they do on the stage like Lunt and Fontanne. You be Lunt and I'll be Fontanne.
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Amanda Bonner
Those were real, those tears.
Adam Bonner
Of course, they were. But I can turn 'em on anytime I want to. Us boys can do it, too, you know. It's just that we just never think to.
Amanda Bonner
Bunk!
Adam Bonner
Bunk, huh? Keep your eye on the eye.
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Amanda Bonner
I'm *real* proud of you.
Adam Bonner
I'd rather have you say that than anything.
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Jules Frikke
Juel Delwyn, $280. You should note all these on your stubs. Saves time.
Adam Bonner
That was mine. Not deductible.
Jules Frikke
What is it? Maybe it is.
Adam Bonner
Just some underwear.
Jules Frikke
Underwear? 280 dollars' worth?
Adam Bonner
It wasn't my underwear.
Jules Frikke
Very well.
Amanda Bonner
Thank you.
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Doris Attinger
I says, "Listen, Warren." I says, "You can't have it both ways, you know. So make up your mind and don't try to make some kind of part-timer out of me." So he says, "Bite your tongue, fatso."
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Amanda Bonner
Just what is it that you do?
Olympia La Pere
Well, it changes, see? Like, take, for instance, tumbling. I used to do a lot of that tumbling but it gets corny, and I'm stuck with the role of flip-flap.
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Roy
I've got a theory. You wanna hear it? I think the human race is having a nervous breakdown!
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Amanda Bonner
This sort of thing burns my goat.
Adam Bonner
Your what?
Amanda Bonner
My goat! My goat!
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Amanda Bonner
All I'm saying is, why let this deplorable system seep into our courts of law where women are supposed to be equal?
Adam Bonner
Mostly, I think, females get advantages.
Amanda Bonner
We don't want advantages, and we don't want prejudices.
Adam Bonner
Oh, don't get excited, honey, and don't--oh, you're giving me the Bryn Mawr accent.
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Amanda Bonner
Pinky.
Adam Bonner
Calling me?
Amanda Bonner
What's that?
Adam Bonner
Just the best hat in the world - for the best head.
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Amanda Bonner
Now, look, all I'm trying to say is that there are lots of things that a man can do and in society's eyes, it's all hunky-dory. A woman does the same thing--the same, mind you--and she's an outcast.
Adam Bonner
Finished?
Amanda Bonner
No. Now I'm not blaming you personally, Adam, because this is so.
Adam Bonner
Oh, well, that's awfully large of you.
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Amanda Bonner
Sorry.
Taxicab Driver
Ah, you lady drivers! You'll put me away yet.
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Amanda Bonner
Now, when did you begin to suspect that you were losing your husband's affection?
Doris Attinger
Um, when he stopped battin' me around.
Amanda Bonner
When was that?
Doris Attinger
Eleven months ago. March 14.
Amanda Bonner
He struck you?
Doris Attinger
First time, he broke a tooth. My tooth.
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Adam Bonner
Why did you marry her?
Warren Francis Attinger
How should I know? Who knows? Why'd you marry yours? Does anybody know?
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Amanda Bonner
A boy sows a wild oat or two, the world winks. A girl does the same: scandal.
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Olympia La Pere
We do this open pyramid where I support five men.
Amanda Bonner
Surely, you're not the only female who does that.
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Adam Bonner
I've done it all the way I said I would. Sickness, health, richer poorer, better or worse. This is too worse. This is basic. I'm old-fashioned. I like two sexes. Yeah, and another thing, all of a sudden, I don't like being married to what is known as a new woman. I want a wife, not a competitor. Competitor! Competitor! If you wanna be a big he-woman, go and be it, but not with me.
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Amanda Bonner
What do you think of a man who's unfaithful to his wife?
Grace
Not nice, but...
Amanda Bonner
All right, now, what about a woman who's unfaithful to her husband?
Grace
Something terrible.
Amanda Bonner
Aha!
Grace
Aha what?
Amanda Bonner
Why the difference? Why the difference? Why not nice if he does it and something terrible if she does it?
Grace
I don't make the rules.
Amanda Bonner
Sure you do. We all do.
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Amanda Bonner
Why? Why? What's so funny?
Adam Bonner
Nothin'. You just sound cute when you get causey.
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Amanda Bonner
Do you believe in equal rights for women?
Paul Hurlock
I should say not!
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Amanda Bonner
You're not gonna put this poor girl away just because she had the misfortune to be born a female.
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Adam Bonner
I am going to cut you into 12 little pieces and feed you to the jury, so get prepared for it.
[kiss]
Adam Bonner
Aww, goodnight.
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Amanda Bonner
May it please the court, I submit that my entire line of defense is based on the proposition that persons of the female sex should be dealt with, before the law as the equals of persons of the male sex. I submit that I cannot hope to argue this line before minds hostile to and prejudiced against the female sex.
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Amanda Bonner
Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Adam Bonner
Give you a real rubdown later if you'll give me one.
Amanda Bonner
Yeah, Adam!
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Kip Lurie
Want to trade kisses? That's equal.
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Olympia La Pere
This was a good act. You see, they lift, lift, lift and then the last guy does a one-hand 350 barbell lift. Then while he's still got it up I come on and lift him with his barbell together. Peeled down, see, so they could tell I was a woman.
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Adam Bonner
Where do you wanna go tonight?
Amanda Bonner
No place. I wanna stay home tonight.
Adam Bonner
What?
Amanda Bonner
Would you mind?
Adam Bonner
What?
Amanda Bonner
Please?
Adam Bonner
Well, I don't know.
Amanda Bonner
Cook up something ourselves. Something exotic! How would you care for some of that?
Adam Bonner
Oh, I would.
Amanda Bonner
Of what?
Adam Bonner
What you said.
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Amanda Bonner
Did you ever question him about his behavior?
Doris Attinger
Certainly.
Amanda Bonner
Did he offer any explanation?
Doris Attinger
Certainly. He told me to shut up and mind my own business.
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Amanda Bonner
You feel Pinky, cranky? You feel cranky, Pinky?
Adam Bonner
Hmm?
Amanda Bonner
You feel cranky, Pinky?
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Kip Lurie
Hello, you well-known thing, you.
Adam Bonner
How are you?
Kip Lurie
You just ask that because you can't think of anything else to say. You don't care whether I live or die.
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Amanda Bonner
Sharing. That's what it takes to make a marriage.
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Adam Bonner
Hey, do you know you were pretty cute in there today, my little?
Amanda Bonner
You weren't so bad yourself, chum.
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Amanda Bonner
You just get out of here! The manners of a great big educated ape! You think you've humiliated me. Well, that's where you're wrong, my boy. You haven't humiliated anyone with the possible exception of yourself. You've just revealed yourself for what you are! You just couldn't bear to be bested by a woman. Isn't that it? All you want to be is top dog trying to degrade me.
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