Overboard 1987 - Movie Quotes

Andrew [Andrew hands Joanna her earrings after they've drank tequila shots below decks with the crew] You best not lose these again, madam.

Joanna [perplexed] Again?

Andrew You will forgive me, madam.

[clearly mocking her]

Andrew "Andrew! I seem to have lost my ruby earrings somewhere between 64th and 68th street, find them."

Joanna [geniunely contrite] I've behaved so badly. I don't know how you put up with me for so long.

[Andrew raises his eyebrows]

Joanna You've done so many wonderful things for me and I've never even once said thank you.

[beat]

Joanna I'm sorry.

Andrew [embarrassed] Apology accepted, ma'am.

[he turns away and to the sink]

Joanna [following him] Everyone thinks I'm crazy around here. Do you think they're right?

Andrew [turning around to face her] Oh no, madam. Oh no. You... most of us go through life with blinders on, madam. Knowing only that one little station to which we were born. But now you, madam, on the other hand, had the... rare privilege of escaping your bonds for just a spell. To see life from an entirely new perspective. How you choose to use that information, madam... is entirely up to you.

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Annie Mrs. Burbridge, would you come over here for a moment? Has it escaped your attention that these children have head-to-toe poison oak?

Adele Burbridge Well, no, I... well, yes, but...

Annie But what? My children are in need of medical assistance! And you can sit here and smugly lecture me on the importance of tests? Tests which exist to pigeonhole children's potential, a thing which cannot possibly be measured, least of all by anal-compulsive huns! And my husband may be a "large child," but that's none of your business! And my children may be rotten, but they're mine. And I think that they're bright, and sensitive, so I have no doubts whatsoever about their intelligence. I do, however, have serious doubts about yours!

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Dean Proffitt You know what your problem is? Huh? You're so goddamn bored, you gotta invent things to bitch about! You haven't got a single thing to do on this earth except for your hair! Yeah, your closet was fine, you just needed something to take up your useless, nail-polishing, toe-polishing, rich bitch, sun-tanning days!

[From the engine room, the crew, who have heard all of this, start cheering]

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Annie I'm a short, fat slut.

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Annie I don't belong here, I feel it. Don't you think I feel it? I can't do any of these vile things, and I wouldn't want to. Oh, my life is like death. My children are the spawn of hell, and you're the devil. Oh, God...

Dean Proffitt Baby, we like you.

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Dean Proffitt They're making out their Christmas lists

Annie Oh, already?

Travis Proffitt How do you spell "Porsche"?

Dean Proffitt Well, they got me thinkin' though: what can I possibly give you ever that you don't already have?

Annie [long pause as she thinks] A little girl.

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[Joanna is about to jump off the yacht and swim to Dean]

Andrew [grabs her hand] Oh no Madam. I cannot let you do this.

Annie What?

Andrew Not without a life jacket.

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Dr. Norman Korman Joanna, what motivated you to rise and get the serving tray?

Annie I thought you might be hungry.

Dr. Norman Korman That's excellent, excellent!

Grant Stayton What's excellent about it?

Dr. Norman Korman I was hungry.

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[Dean & Billy see Joanna's mugshot on TV]

Dean Proffitt That's her.

Billy Pratt Who?

Dean Proffitt THE BITCH!

Billy Pratt [Seeing Grant leaving the hospital on TV] I can't believe he's skipping out on her.

Dean Proffitt Of course he's skipping out on her, it's his shot at freedom.

Billy Pratt Maybe you should go down to the hospital and see if you can get some of your money back?

Dean Proffitt Look, he's gone.

Billy Pratt Not him, her.

Dean Proffitt She doesn't even know who she is, you think she's gonna know who I am?

[Dean turns around to walk away only to turn right back when he thinks of an idea]

Dean Proffitt Billy, there is a God and he loves me!

Billy Pratt You're not gonna shave your head, are you?

Dean Proffitt No, I gotta go home and talk to my kids...

Billy Pratt [interrupts] Dean, don't do this.

Dean Proffitt ...and I want you to take them shopping at the Salvation Army!

Billy Pratt Dean, it's illegal... Dean you're crazy, you know that!

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Coast Guard Spotter Lucas It's a helluva day at sea, Sir!

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Joey Proffitt Are you gonna leave?

[the other boys stare]

Annie No, I'm your mommy.

Joey Proffitt Sometimes moms leave.

Annie Well I suppose that's true, but I'm not going anywhere.

Joey Proffitt Good.

[takes a necklace out of his overalls and hands it to her]

Annie Ooh! Is this a present for me?

Joey Proffitt Yes, I did it with macaroni.

Annie I love this, I'll always wear it.

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Edith Mintz But darling, if you have a baby, you won't be the baby anymore.

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Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt [on her yacht; she's about to call for caviar when Andrew brings it in] Well! I almost had to wait.

[tastes it and makes a disgusted face]

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt What is this gelatinous muck? Andrew, when I tell you to pack staples, must I specify that you are to pack good caviar and not this $1.99 fish bait? Caviar should be round, and hard, and of adequate size, and should burst in your mouth at precisely the right moment.

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Grant Stayton We're at sea, and I'm a GOD at sea!

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Joey Proffitt [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] Hi, Mom. My name's Joe.

Annie A falsetto child?

Dean Proffitt Nah. He thinks he's Pee-Wee Herman.

Joey Proffitt [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] I love Pee-Wee Herman.

[Pee-Wee's trademark laugh]

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Annie Tell me something about my life, Dean, something not horrible.

Dean Proffitt Well uh... yeah, there was that time you were working at Burger Boy, and this kid started choking on a French fry, and everybody in the place panicked, including me, except you, you knew exactly what to do. You ran over to the kid and you gave him that Heimlech, you know,

[grunts]

Dean Proffitt and puh! The kid puked up the fry and they named you Burger Boy employee of the month. They put your picture above the cash register and everything.

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Annie Oh, a washing machine! But Dean, it's so expensive.

Dean Proffitt No, shit!

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Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt These gnats keep landing on my wet nail polish. I guess I'm supposed to walk around with their little corpses stuck to my fingers, is that it?... It's easy for you to say. You don't have to sit out here in the brine with your perm frizzing to oblivion. I look like a bushman.

Andrew [who's been painting her toenails] ... I've finished, madam. Would you like me to put your jewelry back on you?

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt No, I'm still tacky.

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Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt I'm not a bitch.

[pauses]

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt Andrew! Are you going to bring me my lemon, or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?

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Grant Stayton [to Annie] I suppose we're on our way back to the jungles of Oregon?

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt I want to go back, Grant.

Grant Stayton To him.

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt Yes. I'm sorry.

Grant Stayton You haven't begun to be sorry, you hillbilly harlot!

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Joanna Well, the entire civilized world knows that ALL closets are made of CEDAR.

Dean Proffitt [in a backwoods accent] Well up here in Elk Snout ma'am see we don't know 'bout them closets, nor bathrooms neither. Shit woman, you're lucky I am house broke.

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Dean Proffitt [sees his sons gathered in a group whispering excitedly] What's this?

Annie Travis found a girlfriend.

Joey Proffitt Hey, Trav, don't knock her up!

Annie [sarcastically] Very funny!

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Annie I just... ate a bug!

Dean Proffitt Keep your mouth closed, there's a lot of things flying around out here!

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Doctor at Hospital [on TV] If any of you know the identity of this woman, please contact the hospital. I'll put up the reward myself... She's drivin' us crazy.

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[to Dr. Korman]

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt Grant's having another nervous breakdown, he thinks he's God. Keep him busy.

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Annie Discipline problem?

[grabs her purse and leaves the classroom]

Annie My regards to Schwartzman and Heinliken!

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Dean Proffitt [singing] Zippedy Doo-Dah. Zippedy Yay. My, oh my, I got a wonderful slave.

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Joey Proffitt [watching Joanna ride away] You said moms don't leave!

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Dean Proffitt I can't talk to you with you pulled away from me. Will you please get your head out of there and look at me?

Annie No.

Dean Proffitt Why?

Annie [turns over, covered in Calamie lotion] Because I'm so ugly, I got poison oak too.

[cries]

Dean Proffitt Nobody cares what you look like, normally you look really pretty, you just don't now.

Annie [continue sobbing] I dont even have a wedding ring.

Dean Proffitt What?

Annie I lost my wedding ring in the sea.

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Capt. Karl What're you doing?

Annie I'm turning the boat around.

Capt. Karl Why?

Annie I'm going home.

Capt. Karl You're turning that wheel around too fast!

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[the officer at the hospital pulls out the photos and Joanna's panties from a parcel envelope]

Cop at Hospital Nice panties! J.S., she didn't know what that meant?

Dean Proffitt See she wouldn't, I bought them for her at a garage sale.

Cop at Hospital Yeah, I bought my wife a garter at a yard sale once too.

Dean Proffitt I'm sure you did.

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Grant Stayton [brandishing a bow and arrow] Halt, you treasonous tramp. Conspiring with the enemy at sea is mutiny!

Andrew Pull.

[kicks Grant overboard]

Andrew [to Grant] I am giving my notice, sir.

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Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt [Grant has just arrived at the hospital; Joanna doesn't know he's right outside, behind a one-way mirror] You mean to tell me that I have no medical recourse...?

Grant Stayton Can she see us?

Cop at Hospital Not unless she's Superwoman.

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt Well, what DO you know? Extend your brain a teensy little bit, if possible!

Doctor at Hospital You seem to be suffering from a temporary amnesia, either from the bump against the garbage scow, or the shock of the cold water.

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt How temporary is it?

Doctor at Hospital We don't know. Other than that, you seem to be in excellent physical shape.

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt Listen to me, medical people. As of now, I have a life history of a dirty garbage scow and a breakfast of extremely runny eggs over-easy. Now, I refuse - REFUSE

[angrily tosses a cup against the wall]

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt - to be incarcerated in this semi-private room -

[turns to the only other patient in the room]

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt You snore! - while there are no efforts being made by anyone to try and locate...!

Cop at Hospital [lowers the outside speaker volume, then turns to Grant] Is that her?

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt I demand you do something! Do you hear me?

Grant Stayton [to the cop] Nooo, I never saw her before in my life.

[leaves the hospital; later, back on the yacht]

Grant Stayton Mrs. Stayton has decided to leave me. Let's celebrate!

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Annie You're not leaving me here alone tonight, the kids are sick.

Dean Proffitt Yeah and they've got Calamine lotion all over them. What do you want me to do?

Annie I want you to take on some of your grownup responsibility.

Dean Proffitt I earn the money, that's my grownup responsibility.

Annie Are you aware that Joey can't read? And Travis only reads smut magazines? I can't get him out of the bathroom.

Dean Proffitt Honey he's 13 years old! I'll build you another bathroom.

Annie They don't need another bathroom, they need guidance from you.

Dean Proffitt Hey hey hey, don't you worry about me and my boys, okay? We're pals.

Annie They have enough pals, they need a father.

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Doctor at Hospital Now, Miss X... we have a safer, more comfortable, private room... where you'll be a lot more comfortable, and we'll all be a lot safer.

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt Well, I'm glad you've finally come to your senses. I was prepared to sue you. I don't know who I am, but I'm sure I have a lawyer.

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Dean Proffitt Hey hey hey, guys, look who's home!

Greg Proffitt Hi Mom!

Travis Proffitt Hi Mom!

Charlie Proffitt [in a raspy voice] Hi Mom!

Greg Proffitt [pretending to cry] Gee Mom, we really missed you, we're so glad you're baaaaaack!

[Dean sticks his hand out to tell the boys to stop the dramatics]

Annie They aren't mine...

Dean Proffitt Oh I was sure you'd remember them!

Annie I think I'd remember if I had 3 children...

Dean Proffitt Four, honey, don't forget little Joe!

[Joe sticks his head out the window and waves; Annie faints after believing she had four sons with Dean]

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Joanna Captain Karl?

Capt. Karl Yes madam?

Joanna We've never really had time to talk.

Capt. Karl No, we haven't.

Joanna Well, there's no time now.

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Billy Pratt Annie, those are my underwear.

Annie Yours?

Billy Pratt I don't mean I wear 'em or anything. They belong to a girlfriend of mine.

Annie But what about Gertie?

Billy Pratt I strayed. See, I got lucky with this phone sex girl and I found one that takes personal checks; my truck doesn't have a backseat so I borrowed yours. Dean doesn't want you to tell Gertie so he's covering for me.

Dean Proffitt [comes up to them] What's going on?

Billy Pratt I confess. The jig is up!

Dean Proffitt The jig IS up, Billy, I'm finally trying to tell her the truth.

Billy Pratt I just did. See, I didn't get the name Bad Billy Pratt for nothing. I'm sorry, Annie, I got horny, do you hate me?

Annie [smiles] No, no

[hugs him]

Annie I'm glad you're Bad Billy Pratt!

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Joanna Thank you Dean! Thank you for bringing me here and making a wife, and a mother and WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

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Andrew Champagne for everyone.

Joanna Andrew, I'd like a beer.

Edith Mintz A beer?

Joanna [takes a swig from a bottle] Mmmmm, good stuff.

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Annie Joey, don't, honey. Don't, don't get that near your eyes, sweetie. Look, I want you to read this; you see what it says? "Don't get near your eyes". Read on.

[Joey looks at the bottle for a few seconds, then tosses it aside and goes to bed]

Annie What's this all about?

Charlie Proffitt He's embarrassed 'cause he doesn't know how to read.

Annie Well, he's a small child.

Travis Proffitt He can't read for a small child, either.

Greg Proffitt The teacher makes fun of him.

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Dean Proffitt [home from work] Hey guys, what's going on?

Greg Proffitt [stops playing piano] I got the part of Tiny Tim in the school play!

Charlie Proffitt [looks up from homework] I got an A in English!

Travis Proffitt [looks up from homework] I'm flunking math.

Dean Proffitt Yeah well we'll work on the math after dinner.

Annie [teaching Joey to read with comic books] You're just in time, Dr. Death's on the rampage.

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Travis Proffitt [Dean knocks on the boys' clubhouse door] Who is it?

Dean Proffitt Doctor Death, let's go!

Travis Proffitt We're gonna go get her!

Dean Proffitt Come on guys! Billy's friends are gonna help us!

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Dean Proffitt You jumped my bones the first night we met!

Annie We did it on the first date?

Dean Proffitt Couldn't call it a date really, we just did it in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven

Annie I'm a slut

Dean Proffitt What did you say?

Annie Nothing

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Joey Proffitt [talking in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] I'm itchy and want to go home.

Adele Burbridge You may go stand in the corner until you can talk like a little boy!

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Joanna What's my name?

Dean Proffitt Mrs. Annie Proffitt

Joanna Well what's my maiden name?

Dean Proffitt [thinking fast] Annie... Goolihy

Joanna [in disbelief] Annie Goolihy? Where in God's name did I grow up, Dogpatch?

Dean Proffitt No, no, not there. Over in Goober, Idaho. But it's a nuclear waste dump.

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Dean Proffitt I can't believe you did that.

Annie Oh! I saw you jump so I jumped...

Dean Proffitt No I don't mean that. I can't believe you gave all that up just for me.

Annie I didn't.

Dean Proffitt What? What do you mean?

Annie Well the truth of the matter is it's all mine, the boat, the money, everything is all mine.

[Dean faints]

Annie Dean! Dean, it's okay!

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Annie [seeing the counterfeit photos that supposedly depict her wedding to Dean, but which are actually just expertly "merged" images which combine her gloomy "amnesia-state" photos with Dean's deceased wife's wedding photos] It's my wedding day, why do I look so annoyed?

Dean Proffitt [thinking fast] Oh, well, your dad showed up shit-faced. He threw potato salad all over my mom. It was horrible, we had to throw him out.

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Dean Proffitt What's going on here?

Charlie Proffitt We're gonna get Mom back.

Joey Proffitt We miss her.

Greg Proffitt Yeah, she cut the crust off the bread.

Travis Proffitt She doesn't take any of my shit either, I need discipline.

Greg Proffitt We've got three dollars and four cents.

Charlie Proffitt Yeah, we're gonna go rent a fishing boat and we're gonna get her back.

Dean Proffitt Well no fishing boat's going to catch a yacht, especially at that price.

Greg Proffitt Maybe she'll change her mind and come back.

Travis Proffitt Oh right, doofus, she's on a yacht heading to New York!

Joey Proffitt This is a job for Dr. Death!

Greg Proffitt Yeah! Dr. Death could do it!

Travis Proffitt We've got to do something, *right*, Dad?

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Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt Try to understand,Grant, I don't love you anymore.

Grant Stayton What's love got to do with marriage?

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Annie I speak French! Do I know what I said? Yes I do. I must've learned in Paris. When was I in Paris? In the Navy.

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Annie Go back to New York, Dr. Korman.

Dr. Norman Korman Really? Thank you.

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Grant Stayton [in bed, aboard the yacht] Joanna, I want you tonight - How can you have your period every week?

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt [Grant is glued to "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"] Must you watch that thing incessantly?

Grant Stayton Yes, I must. It has a tawdry, escapist quality that soothes my nerves.

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt What you have to escape from, I can't possibly imagine

[notices she's not wearing her wedding ring]

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt Grant, I left my wedding ring on the deck.

Grant Stayton Well, what can I do?

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt Go and get it.

Grant Stayton It's after midnight.

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt I don't care what time it is. I want it now.

Grant Stayton I just want to see who's in the top ten yachts.

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt [sighs in disgust] I'll get it!

Grant Stayton Okay.

[continues watching TV as Joanna leaves to get her ring]

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Travis Proffitt [watching Charlie put superglue on the bottom of the plates] Are you sure this is gonna work?

Charlie My ideas always work. I'm gifted!

Travis Proffitt [laughing at the memory] I loved it when you glued Joey to the toilet seat.

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[Annie is looking for proof of her marriage to Dean and sees him in front of the closet wearing the same shirt and doing the same pose in their initial encounter which slowly triggers her memory]

Annie The closet... ..and you!

Dean Proffitt That's right. This is me and I'm standing in front of the closet

Annie Something's familiar.

Dean Proffitt Yeah, well... that's 'cause we used to do it in the closet.

Annie Oh stop with the sex stories.

Dean Proffitt Now you're getting grumpy and it's because you've been busy. I want you to stop everything, go in here, take a bath...

[yells to his sons]

Dean Proffitt Hey, guys, get the turtle out of the bathtub!...

[returns to his conversation with Annie]

Dean Proffitt ... and I'm gonna look for the pictures first thing in the morning, okay?

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Travis Proffitt It's not us, Dad, it's Roy.

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Adele Burbridge Is anyone at your home?

Charlie Proffitt Yeah, our mom is.

Adele Burbridge [dumbfounded] You have a mother now? Your father remarried?

Travis Proffitt Ummm... yeah, we got a new mother now.

Adele Burbridge Well, good. Then I'm calling both your parents!

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Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt [aboard her yacht, Joanna is on the phone] I know it will cost me, but it's the cutest little painting. I simply must have it. You'll do the bidding for me at the auction? $1,700,000.

[gunshots]

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt Grant, I'm on the phone!

Grant Stayton I can't hear you, Tea Rose! I'm shooting skeet!

[goes back to firing]

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Dean Proffitt Remember in high school how you faked our IDs? I need a fake bride.

Billy Pratt Come on, Dean. I'm busy!

Dean Proffitt [hands Billy a parcel envelope] Not any more. She's goin' home.

Billy Pratt I'll do it, but if we get caught, it's your ass!

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Dean Proffitt [finds Annie near catatonic] What's wrong with her?

Charlie Proffitt She's been like that for an hour now!

Travis Proffitt She's getting better though.

Dean Proffitt Better?

Charlie Proffitt Yeah she's not going

Charlie Proffitt Charlie Proffitt, Travis Proffitt, Greg Proffitt, Joey Proffitt: Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo.

Dean Proffitt Why'd she do that?

Travis Proffitt She destroyed the scarecrow, Dad, she ripped that sucker's head off!

Joey Proffitt [in a Pee Wee Herman voice] I like when she goes bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo.

Dean Proffitt [waves hand in front of her eyes] Hey, baby doll? What's for dinner?

Annie [distantly] Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo.

Dean Proffitt Alright, I got it from here. Get upstairs.

[picks Annie up]

Charlie Proffitt Dad, will you trade her in for a new one?

Dean Proffitt Nah, she'll be alright.

[takes her out to the rain barrel and dunks her in]

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Edith Mintz Cigarette, darling?

Annie I don't smoke, Mother.

[to Grant]

Annie Do I?

Grant Stayton Of course you smoke. You've always smoked.

Edith Mintz I smoke.

Dr. Norman Korman Why don't we all smoke?

Grant Stayton Well, why do I have to smoke? I never smoked. I get sick when I smoke. Why is everyone always trying to make me do what I don't want to do?

Edith Mintz Grant, we are not interested in your therapy.

Grant Stayton I had my nervous breakdown and I didn't have therapy. I never had therapy!

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Doctor at Hospital Look, if it were up to us, we'd be glad to give her to you but she's right

Cop at Hospital I'm going to need some verification

Dean Proffitt Hey, I know what you mean. I have never told anybody this, but she has a small strawberry shaped birthmark on her left cheek, it's unique.

[Joanna goes behind the television to check if she had a birthmark and sees Dean was right]

Dean Proffitt Come to Daddy!

[the doctor and the cop high five each other in celebration]

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Annie Where are you going?

Dean Proffitt Out... I go out every night after dinner and meet the boys at the bowling alley for a couple of beers.

Annie [begging Dean not to leave her at home alone with his sons] Don't leave me alone with them

Dean Proffitt Oh come on, honey, that's not fair. You know we live like this. It never bothered you before. It's just the way it is. I think you better get used to it.

Annie Well, when are you going to be home?

Dean Proffitt When I feel like it, it just depends how drunk I get.

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Dean Proffitt [Arriving home from his disastrous experience working for the Staytons, he finds Ms. Burbridge running out of his house, covered with toilet paper and being chased by his dogs] You look the morning after Halloween. Probably had a day like I did, what happened to you?

Adele Burbridge Monday is their first day of school, and I came here to welcome your family! And what do I get in return? I get toilet-papered by your children!

Dean Proffitt [laughs] Eh, they're just playing around.

Adele Burbridge Oh, "just playing around"? They were about to douse the toilet paper in gasoline and strike...

Dean Proffitt Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop. Greg and Charlie... twins, right?

[Adele nods]

Dean Proffitt ... They're goin' through this arson period. Hey, they don't know it, but I'm way ahead of them. I got two fire extinguishers ready to go. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name?

Adele Burbridge Adele Burbridge, principal of the Elk Cove School. Your children are monsters!

Adele Burbridge Oh, you won't think that once you get to know them.

Adele Burbridge Where is Mrs. Proffitt while all of this is going on?

Dean Proffitt She died three years ago

Adele Burbridge Mr. Proffitt, your children are totally lacking in parental supervision!

Dean Proffitt Hey, you don't have to tell me these kids are lucky.

[chuckles]

Adele Burbridge Fine, you can joke all you want, but I am serious about this.

[climbs into her car]

Adele Burbridge If you don't do something, I am going to notify the proper authorities!

Dean Proffitt I have had babysitters in here by the dozen. Look, I've tried... I'm kind of low on cash right now, I'm new in town, but if I get a chance, I'll hire a housekeeper, all right?

Adele Burbridge Well, I'll believe it when I see it. Good day, Mr. Proffitt!

[drives away]

Dean Proffitt [yelling] I'm a good father!

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Gertie Hey Billy, who are you talking to?

Billy Pratt Nobody!

Dean Proffitt Who's that?

Billy Pratt No one!

Gertie Hey, is that Dean?

[comes to trailer window]

Gertie Hi, Dean! Why don't you come on in?

Billy Pratt Go back to bed, Gertie.

Gertie [annoyed] Hey, if you're gonna treat me like that, I'm going home!

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Grant Stayton [Drunkenly listening to his voice echo into a large vase after Joanna's return] Tofuuuuuuuti... Tofuuuuti Klein!

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Billy Pratt How's it going with your debutante?

Dean Proffitt She's one lousy cook, I'll tell you that, but as long as I don't have to do it.

Billy Pratt How long are you gonna keep her?

Dean Proffitt Let's see, twelve bucks a day. I figure the little wifey-poo can work off what she owes me in little over a month.

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Dr. Norman Korman You're overwrought, Grant. I want you to take a Valium. Here, take one of mine.

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Dr. Norman Korman Joanna's memory is almost completely restored. Why, she even recalled the session where I wrote *this*:

[Plays piano and sings]

Dr. Norman Korman 'I love you madly even though you treat me sadly... '

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Joey Proffitt [Annie is near catatonic] She needs food!

[throws grapes at her, to his brothers]

Joey Proffitt And this is fun!

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Dean Proffitt You know, I let the water routine slide by the other day, but let's not push it, okay?

Annie I'll admit, I got a little carried away with the hose, but this is serious.

Dean Proffitt OK, fine. What's on your mind, sugarlips?

Annie Stop calling me sugarlips, I have a name. Call me Annie.

Dean Proffitt Get to the point, Annie. I got things to do. Billy and the guys are waitin' for me.

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Dean Proffitt I lost all of my tools.

Billy Pratt Don't worry, I'll loan you some tools. We'll get you some part time work.

Dean Proffitt I appreciate it Billy, but I need a steady job. Hey, what about that night time thing?

Billy Pratt I'm working on it. Soon, we'll get that miniature golf deal and we'll be in business.

Dean Proffitt If I can hang on that long.

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Annie My mother's a lush?

Dean Proffitt Was, honey... cirrhosis.

Annie And what about my father?

Dean Proffitt Oh, he's alive and well. He's due for parole in what? 2 years!

Annie Oh God, I don't want to hear anymore.

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Annie Dean, was it always like this?

Dean Proffitt Every time with you is like the first time.

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Annie [getting her memory back] Oh God, I have money! I have lots of money! I even have some in Switzerland!

Grant Stayton Switzerland?

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Dean Proffitt Catalina!

Annie Arturo!

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Billy Pratt Back in the day he was known as Mean Dean Proffitt and me I was Bad Billy Pratt

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Annie Hey Mister, what was I doing in the ocean?

Dean Proffitt That's something you like to do, go dive for oysters at night, you step away from the shore and well, that undertow!

Annie Oysters in a cold ocean at night? That doesn't sound like me!

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Edith Mintz [from her NYC penthouse] He called you a what? Joanna, why are you so upset? What do you care what some carpenter from Elk Snout thinks of you?

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt I'm sure I'm just premenstrual.

Edith Mintz Well then, you must go right back to bed for at least two days...

Edith Mintz [to her maid, who's been feeding Edith's small dog] Inga! You don't shove the food down Shitake's throat. You place it on her tongue. Don't they have dogs in Sweden?

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Travis Proffitt Are we gonna trade her in for a new mom?

Dean Proffitt Not if we don't blow it!

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Dean Proffitt Hey, she's been in there for over an hour! What did you guys buy her?

Charlie Proffitt Dresses

Dean Proffitt The right sizes?

Charlie Proffitt You never said anything about sizes, you just said to get dresses!

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Grant Stayton Don't get any ideas. I brought Olaf. Olaf?

Travis Proffitt I think we could take Olaf.

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[Joey pulls the microphone on the Coast Guard boat]

Joey Proffitt [talking in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] Stop that boat immediately and let me get my mom!

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Grant Stayton Do we have a straight jacket on board?

Dr. Norman Korman I always carry one, yes.

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Annie Get up, go to the bathroom, do what you normally do.

Travis Proffitt Will you squirt us with the hose again?

Annie That's up to you.

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Joanna You know forks were invented so that man could at least make a pretense of separating himself from the apes.

Dean Proffitt So were thumbs.

Joanna What did you say?

Dean Proffitt Nothing. It was... my stomach.

Joanna Well try to control your bodily noises so I can hear myself think.

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Dean Proffitt This one's flat, give me another one Billy!

Billy Pratt I only got six.

Dean Proffitt Well, I guess we better send the ol' ball and chain out to buy us more.

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Annie Proffitt [confused as she is sticking a chicken in a pot of water] I prepared and handled raw food?

Dean Proffitt I hunt it!...... you cook it!

Annie Proffitt You shot a chicken?

Dean Proffitt Come on honey! Save the jokes, we're starving here!

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Annie How could you go hunting on an important day like today?

Billy Pratt Easy, the pheasants don't play miniature golf!

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Joanna I remember. I remember. I'm Joanna Staton. Oh ... Dean, I'm cured. I can remember again. Oh gawd, you can't imagine how terrible it is not to know who you are. The doctor said that my mind would come back suddenly and he was right. I mean, I didn't believe him, but I saw you, I walked past you into the house and poof, my memory came back. Ask me anything ... ask me ... ask me about my childhood in New York. About my mom, her name is Edith. About my money. Money! I have money! I have lots of money! I even have some in Switzerland!

Grant Stayton What?

Joanna See how I know me! Oh gawd, this is the happiest day of my life. Oh thank you. Thank you for bringing me here and making me a wife and a mother ... ... . Why did you do that?

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Andrew Most of us go through life with blinders on, madam.

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Grant Stayton What has love got to do with marriage?

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Grant Stayton I was whacking the donkey with painted ladies.

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Annie When are you coming home?

Dean Proffitt When I feel like it. It depends on how drunk I get.

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Grant Stayton Tofutti. Where are you when I need you?

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Annie Stop with the sex stories.

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Annie No boom-boom.

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Overboard Movie Quotes