[last lines]
The Writer
[typing on computer]
I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?
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Gordie
Do you think I'm weird?
Chris
Definitely.
Gordie
No man, seriously. Am I weird?
Chris
Yeah, but so what? Everybody's weird.
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The Writer
[voiceover]
It happens sometimes. Friends come in and out of your life, like busboys in a restaurant.
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Chris
That's your dad talking.
Chris
Bull true.
Chris
I know how your dad feels about you. He doesn't give a shit about you. Denny was the one. He cared about and don't try to tell me different. You're just a kid, Gordie.
Chris
Wish the hell I was your dad. You wouldn't be goin' around talkin' about takin' these stupid shop courses if I was. It's like God gave you something, man, all those stories you can make up. And He said, "This is what we got for ya, kid. Try not to lose it." Kids lose everything unless there's someone there to look out for them. And if your parents are too fucked up to do it, then maybe I should.
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The Writer
[referring to Chris]
Although I hadn't seen him in more than ten years, I know I'll miss him forever.
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Teddy
This is my age! I'm in the prime of my youth, and I'll only be young once!
Chris
Yeah, but you're gonna be stupid for the rest of your life.
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Chris
I don't know.
Chris
Don't say that.
Chris
Don't say that, man!
Gordie
[Gordie tries to be strong but starts to weep slightly]
I'm no good. My dad said it. I'm no good.
Chris
He doesn't know you.
Chris
He doesn't hate you.
Chris
No! He just doesn't know you.
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Gordie
Suck my fat one, you cheap dime store hood.
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Gordie
Alright, alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy?
Vern
If I could only have one food for the rest of my life? That's easy-Pez. Cherry-flavored Pez. No question about it.
Teddy
Goofy's a dog. He's definitely a dog.
Gordie
I knew the $64,000 question was fixed. There's no way anybody could know that much about opera!
Chris
He can't be a dog. He drives a car and wears a hat.
Gordie
Wagon Train's a really cool show, but did you notice they never get anywhere? They just keep wagon training.
Vern
Oh, God. That's weird. What the hell is Goofy?
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Chris
I'm never gonna get out of this town am I, Gordie?
Gordie
You can do anything you want, man.
Chris
Yeah, sure. Give me some skin.
Gordie
I'll see ya.
Chris
Not if I see you first.
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Gordie
Maybe you could come into the college courses with me.
Chris
Yeah right, that'll be the day.
Gordie
Why not? You're smart enough.
Chris
They won't let me.
Gordie
What do you mean?
Chris
It's what everyone thinks of my family in this town. It's what they think of me. I'm just one of those low-life Chambers kids.
Gordie
That's not true.
Chris
Oh wait, it is. No one even asked me if I took the milk money that time. I just got a three day vacation.
Gordie
Did you take it?
Chris
Yeah, I took it! I mean, you knew I took it. Teddy knew I took it. Everyone knew I took it. Even Vern knew it, I think. But maybe I was sorry and I tried to give it back.
Gordie
You tried to give it back?
Chris
Maybe. Just maybe. And maybe I took it to Old Lady Simmons and told her, and the money was all there. But I still got a three day vacation because it never showed up. And maybe the next week, Old Lady Simmons had this new suit on when she came to school.
Gordie
Yeah, yeah! It was brown and it had dots on it.
Chris
Yeah. So let's just say that I stole the milk money, but Old Lady Simmons stole it back from me. Just say that I told this story. Me, Chris Chambers. Kid brother to Eyeball Chambers. Do you think that anyone would've believed it?
Gordie
No.
Chris
And do you think that that bitch would have dared try something like that if it had been one of those douchebags from up on the view, if they had taken the money?
Gordie
No way!
Chris
Hell no! But with me?... I'm sure she had her eye on that skirt for a long time. Anyway, she saw her chance, and she took it. I was the stupid one for even trying to give it back.
[begins to cry]
Chris
I just never thought a teacher... Oh, who gives a fuck anyway? I just wish... that I could go some place... where nobody knows me. I guess I'm just a pussy, huh?
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The Writer
I wondered how Teddy could care so much for his dad, who practically killed him. And I couldn't give a shit about my own dad, who hadn't laid a hand on me since I was three! And that was for eating the bleach under the sink.
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Chris
You four-eyed pile of shit!
Teddy
A pile of shit has a thousand eyes.
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[after being handed the gun]
Gordie
Is it loaded?
Chris
Shit no! What do you think I am?
[gun goes off]
Gordie
Gordie, Chris: JESUS!
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Vern
[after dropping his hamburger in the campfire by accident]
This isn't funny! What am I supposed to eat?
Teddy
You could cook your dick.
Chris
It'd be a small meal.
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Milo
Chopper! Sic'em, boy!
The Writer
[while Gordie is runs in slow motion]
Now he said, "Sic'em, boy!" But what I heard was, "Chopper! Sic balls!"
Gordie
[Gordie screams and runs for his life and is surprised to discover that Chopper is a small golden retriever]
That's Chopper?
Teddy
[Taunting Chopper behind the fence]
Ha ha ha! Come on, Choppy! Bite my ass, Choppy! Bite my ass! Bite shit. Come on, Choppy! Sic balls, Choppy!
Milo
Hey, you! Stop teasing that dog, you hear me! Stop teasing him! Sonny, I'm gonna beat your ass, teasing my dog like that!
Teddy
Yeah? I'd like to see you climb over this fence and get me, fat ass!
Milo
Don't you call me that, you little tin weasel peckerwood loony's son.
Teddy
[Surprised]
What did you call me?
Milo
I know who you are. You're Teddy Duchamp. Your dad's a loony. A loony up in the nuthouse in Togus. He took your ear and he put it to a stove and burnt it off.
Teddy
[Trying not to get angry]
My father stormed the beach at Normandy.
Milo
He's crazier than a shithouse rat. No wonder you're acting the way you are with a loony for a father.
Teddy
[Getting angry]
You call my dad a loony again, I'll kill you.
Milo
Loony, loony, loony!
Teddy
[Extremely angry]
I'm gonna rip your head off and shit down your neck!
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Ace
Okay, Chambers, you little faggot. This is your last chance. What do you say, kid?
Chris
Why don't you go home and fuck your mother some more?
[Ace pulls out a knife]
Ace
You're dead.
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Vern
Do you think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?
Teddy
What are you, cracked?
Vern
Why not? I saw the other day. He was carrying five elephants in one hand!
Teddy
Boy, you don't know nothing! Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman's a real guy. There's no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.
Vern
Yeah, maybe you're right. It'd be a good fight, though.
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Vern
Vern, Teddy: I hate this short cut!
[Mocking Vern]
Vern
Vern, Teddy: I hate this short cut!
[Punches Teddy but he flinches]
Vern
Vern, Teddy: Ha-ha! You flinched! Two for flinching! Two for flinching!
[Teddy punches him twice in the arm]
Vern
...B-but... you flinched!
Teddy
I know. Two for flinching.
[Smiles Smugly]
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Chris
[while Gordie continues to sob]
You're gonna be a great writer someday, Gordie. You might even write about us guys if you ever get hard-up for material.
[Chris comforts Gordie as his sobs finally subside]
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[as Lardass walks across the stage to his seat the Benevolent Order of Antelopes mock him in rhythm with his steps]
Crowd
Boom-baba-boom-baba...
[They fall silent as Lardass glares at them, but then they resume their mockery as soon as he starts moving again]
Crowd
Boom-baba-boom-baba-boom.
Mayor Grundy
And now, the one you've all been waiting for, the four-time champion, our own, Bill Travis!
[Cheers and applause; Mayor aside to Travis]
Mayor Grundy
Listen, I got ten ridin' on you myself, Billy-boy.
[Now he speaks to the crowd]
Mayor Grundy
Alright, are you ready? Hands behind your backs, gentlemen! Drum roll!
Donelley Twin
Donelley Twin, Donelley Twin: Hey, Lardass! Chow down, Wide Load!
Mayor Grundy
Heh-heh-heh... GO!
[the contestants bury their faces and begin eating. Within a few seconds, Lardass has finished his first pie]
Lardass Hogan
Done!
[Lardass finishes his second pie]
Lardass Hogan
Done!
[Bill Travis finishes his first pie]
Bill Travis
Done!
Lardass Hogan
[Lardass finishes his third pie] Done!
Mayor Grundy
[to Lardass] You better pace yourself if you wanna hold out, boy.
[Lardass continues and the crowd starts to cheer him on]
Crowd
Lardass! Lardass!
Gordie
What the audience didn't know was that Lardass wasn't really interested in winning. What he wanted was revenge, and right before he was introduced he'd gotten ready for it.
[Cut to flashback scene showing Lardass drinking a quart bottle of Castor Oil and eating a raw egg just before the start of the contest; cut back to the contest in progress]
Gordie
Diving into his fifth pie, Lardass began to imagine that he wasn't eating pies. He pretended he was eating cow-plops, and rat guts in blueberry sauce.
Crowd
Lardass! Lardass!
Lardass Hogan
Done!
[Lardass prepares to dive into his sixth pie, but then his stomach starts rumbling]
Gordie
Slowly, a sound started to build in Lardass' stomach. A strange and scary sound, like a log truck coming at you at a hundred miles-an-hour. Suddenly, Lardass opened his mouth, and before Bill Travis knew it...
[Lardass barfs all over Bill]
Gordie
... he was covered with five pies worth of used blueberries. The women in the audience screamed. Bossman Bob Cormier took one look at Bill Travis and barfed on Principal Wiggins. Principal Wiggins barfed on the lumberjack that was sitting next to him. Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits! But when the smell hit the crowd, that's when Lardass' plan really started to work. Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends. Kids barfed on their parents. A fat lady barfed in her purse. The Donnelley twins barfed on each other, and the Women's Auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. And Lardass just sat back and enjoyed what he'd created-a complete and total barf-o-rama!
Vern
Vern, Teddy, Chris: [Cheering and laughing] Yeah!
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The Writer
At the beginning of the school year, Vern had buried a quart jar of pennies underneath his house. He drew a treasure map so he could find them again. A week later, his mom cleaned out his room and threw away the map. Vern had been trying to find those pennies for nine months. Nine months, man. You didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
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Vern
What am I supposed to do, think of everything? I brought the comb!
Teddy
Oh, great! You brought the comb! What did you bring a comb for? You don't even have any hair!
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The Writer
The kid wasn't sick. The kid wasn't sleeping. The kid was dead.
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Teddy
[after hearing more howls, Teddy gets scared]
Jesus H. bald-headed Christ!
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Teddy
You lose Gordie!
[laughs]
Teddy
Gordie loses! Oh, Gordie just screwed the pooch!
Gordie
Does the word "retarded" mean anything to you?
Teddy
Gordie, go get the food, you morphodite.
Gordie
Don't call me any of your mother's pet names.
Teddy
What a wet end you are, Lachance!
Gordie
Shut up.
Teddy
Teddy, Vern, Chris: [In unison] I don't shut up. I grow up. And when I look at you, I throw up.
[Pretends to gag]
Teddy
Teddy, Vern, Chris: Aghhh!
Teddy
Teddy, Vern, Chris: Oh!
The Writer
Finding new and preferably ways to degrade a friend's mother, was always held in high regard.
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[after they had dinner]
Vern
Nothing like a smoke after a meal.
Teddy
Yeah... I cherish these moments.
[group chuckles]
Teddy
What? What did I say?
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Chris
"Suck my fat one"? Whoever told you that you had a fat one, Lachance?
Gordie
Biggest one in four counties.
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Chris
How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
Teddy
Hey, I'm French, okay?
Chris
Your garbage cans are empty and your dog's pregnant.
[Chris and Gordie laugh]
Teddy
Didn't I just say I was French?
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Vern
I wasn't that scared. I wasn't. Sincerely.
Gordie
Okay. Then you won't mind if we check the seat of your jockies for Hershey squirts, will you?
Vern
Go screw.
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[the boys are having trouble designing how to get across the river]
Teddy
Okay, you guys can go around if you want. I'm crossing here. And while you guys are dragging your candy asses half way across the state and back, I'll be waiting on the other side, relaxing with my thoughts.
Gordie
You use your left hand or right hand to do that?
Teddy
You wish.
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Teddy
[Calming down after sobbing]
I'm sorry if I'm spoiling everybody's good time.
Chris
It's okay, man.
Gordie
I'm not sure it should be a good time.
Chris
You saying you wanna go back?
Gordie
No. We're going to see a dead kid... maybe it shouldn't be a party.
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Charlie Hogan
Besides, me and Billy found him first!
Teddy
Yeah, Vern told us how you found him!
[in a high, mocking voice imitating Charlie Hogan]
Teddy
Oh Billy, I wish we'd never boosted that car! Oh Billy, I think I just turned my Fruit-of-the-Looms into a fudge factory!
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Vern
Come on you guys. Let's get moving.
Teddy
Yeah, by the time we get there, the kid won't even be dead anymore.
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Gordie
But you didn't miss him. Chris Chambers never misses, does he?
Chris
Not even when the ladies leave the seat down.
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Gordie
...the main guy of the story is a fat kid that nobody likes named Davie Hogan.
Vern
Like Charlie Hogan's brother. If he had one.
Chris
Good Vern. Go on, Gordie.
Gordie
Well this kid is our age but he's fat. Real fat. He weighs close to one-eighty. But you know, it's not his fault. It's his glands.
Vern
Oh yeah, my cousin's like that, sincerely. She weighs over three hundred pounds! Supposed to be Hyboid Gland or something. Well, I don't know about any Hyboid Glands, but what a blimp! No shit. She looks like a Thanksgiving turkey. And you know this one time...
Chris
Shut up, Vern.
Vern
Yeah, yeah, right. Go on, Gordie, it's a swell story.
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[first lines]
The Writer
[voiceover]
I was 12 going on 13 the first time I saw a dead human being. It happened in the summer of 1959-a long time ago, but only if you measure in terms of years. I was living in a small town in Oregon called Castle Rock. There were only twelve hundred and eighty-one people. But to me, it was the whole world.
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The Writer
Vern didn't just mean being off limits inside the junkyard, or fudging on our folks, or going on a hike up the railroad to Harlow. He meant those things, but it seems to me now it was more and that we all knew it. Everything was there and around us. We knew exactly who we were and exactly where we were going. It was grand.
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Chris
You ready for school?
Gordie
No.
Chris
Junior High. You know what that means. Next year we'll all be split up.
Gordie
What are you talking about? Why would that happen?
Chris
'Cause it's not gonna be like grammar school, that's why. You'll be taking your college courses, and me, Teddy, and Vern will all be in the shop courses with the rest of the retards, making ash trays and bird houses. You're gonna meet a lot of new guys. Smart guys.
Gordie
A lot of pussies is what you mean.
Chris
No, man. Don't say that. Don't even think that.
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The Writer
As time went on, we saw less and less of Teddy and Vern until, eventually, they became just two more faces in the halls. Happens sometimes, friends come in and out of your life like busboys in a restaurant. I heard that Vern got married out of high school, had four kids, and is now the forklift operator at the Arseno Lumberyard. Teddy tried several times to get into the Army, but his eyes and his ear kept him out. Last I heard, he had spent some time in jail and was now doing odd jobs around Castle Rock.
Chris
I'm never gonna get out of this town, am I, Gordie?
Gordie
You can do anything you want, man.
Chris
Yeah. Sure.
[Staring at each other for a moment]
Chris
Give me some skin.
[They share their handshake]
Gordie
I'll see ya.
Chris
Not if I see you first.
The Writer
Chris did get out. He enrolled in the college courses with me and, although, it was hard, he gutted it out like he always did. He went on to college and, eventually, became a lawyer. Last week, he entered a fast food restaurant. Just ahead of him, two men got into an argument. One of them pulled a knife. Chris, who had always made the best peace, tried to break it up. He was stabbed in the throat. He died almost instantly.
The Writer
[the Writer typing on his computer]
Although I hadn't seen him in more than ten years, I know I'll miss him forever.
Gordon's Son
Dad, can we go now?
The Writer
You ready?
Gordon's Son
Yeah, we've been ready for an hour.
His Friend
He said that a half hour ago.
Gordon's Son
Yeah, my dad's weird. He gets like that when he's writing.
The Writer
[Continues typing]
I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was 12. Jesus, does anyone?
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Vern
Geez, Gordie. Why couldn't you have gotten breakfast stuff? Like Twinkies and Pez and Root Beer?
Gordie
Sorry, Vern. I guess a more experienced shopper could have gotten more for your seven cents.
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Vern
There's one thing I didn't understand. Did Lardass have to pay to get in the contest?
[Chris and Teddy sighs]
Gordie
No, Vern. They just let him in.
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Teddy
[Still angry]
I'll kill you!
Milo
You come on and try it, you slimy bastard.
Chris
He wants you to come over there so he can beat the piss out of you and take you to the cops.
Milo
You watch your mouth, smart guy! Let him do his own fighting.
Gordie
Sure, you only outweigh him by 500 pounds, fat ass!
Milo
I know your name. You're Lachance. I know all you guys and all your fathers are gonna get a call from me. Except for the loony up in Togus.
Teddy
[Still angry and tries to fight]
I'll kill you!
Milo
You foul-mouthed whore master!
Teddy
[Angrily shouting]
You son of a bitch! Nobody ranks on my old man! My father stormed the beach at Normandy! He stormed the beach, you faggot!
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Gordie
[after Gordie and Chris set off the gun]
[Angrily]
Gordie
That tupper babe saw me!
Chris
Aw, shit, Gordie! She thought it was firecrackers.
Chris
Hey, Gordie! I didn't know it was loaded!
Gordie
You swear?
Chris
Yeah, I swear.
Gordie
On your mother's name?
Chris
Yeah.
Gordie
Even if she goes to hell 'cause you lied?
Chris
Yeah, I swear!
Gordie
Pinky swear?
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Mr. Lachance
Why can't you have friends like Denny's?
Mr. Lachance
Sure they are. A thief and two feebs?
[He exits, and heads back outside. And Gordie watches as he exits]
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[after the boys have fallen into a lake]
Vern
I told you we should of stuck to the tracks.
Teddy
Is it me, or are you the world's biggest pussy?
Vern
I suppose this is fun for you?
Teddy
No... but this is.
[Teddy dunks Vern into the lake]
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Vern
You guys wanna go see a dead body?
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Mr. Lachance
[in Gordie's dream, at Denny's funeral Mr. Lachance places his hand on Gordie's shoulder, while he looks down at Denny's casket going down in the grave]
It should've been you, Gordon.
Gordie
[Snaps awake and screams]
Chris
You? Ok?
Gordie
Huh?
Chris
You were dreaming.
Chris
I know.
Chris
I know, go back to sleep.
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Teddy
Did your mother have any kids that lived?
Vern
What do you mean?
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Ace
You got two choices. You leave quietly, we take the body. Or, you can stay, we beat the shit out of you, we take the body.
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Teddy
That was the all-time train dodge! Too cool! Vern, you were so scared you looked like that fat guy in Abbott and Costello, when they saw the mummy.
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Vern
Any of you guys know when the next train is due?
Chris
We could go down to the route 1-36 bridge.
Teddy
What are you, crazy? That's 5 miles down the river, you go 5 miles down the river you gotta walk 5 miles back! That could take 'til dark. We go across here we can get to the same place in 10 minutes.
Vern
Yeah, but if a train comes there's nowhere else to go.
Teddy
No there isn't, we just jump.
Chris
Teddy, it's 100 feet.
Vern
Yeah, Teddy.
Teddy
Look, you guys can go around if you want to, I'm crossing here, and when you guys are dragging your candy asses half way across the state and back, I'll be waiting for you on the other side relaxing with my thoughts.
Gordie
You use your left hand or your right hand for that?
Teddy
You wish.
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Eyeball
[about Ray Brower]
Shit! When they gonna give up? The kid's gone. They ain't never gonna find him.
Charlie Hogan
Not where they're looking.
Billy Tessio
Hey, Eyeball's right, Charlie. They ain't never gonna find him.
Eyeball
[Finishes the tattoo on Billy's shoulder with a knife blade]
Would you hold still? You're making me fuck up the snake part.
Vince Desjardins
I'll tell you how they're gonna find him. Ten years from now, some hunter's gonna go in the woods to take a leak, wind up pissing on his bones.
Charlie Hogan
I bet you a thousand bucks they'll find him before then.
Eyeball
Bet you two thousand dollars they don't.
Charlie Hogan
Well, asshole...
Billy Tessio
Hey, what's the big deal? Who cares?
Ace
Will you two just shut the fuck up? If either of you assholes had two-thousand dollars, I'd kill you both.
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The Writer
The train had knocked Ray Brower out of his Keds the same way it had knocked the life out of his body.
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Eyeball
Hey girls, where ya goin'?
Gordie
[Ace passes Gordie on the sidewalk and snatches his baseball cap off his head]
Hey, my brother gave me that!
Gordie
Hey! C'mon, man! That's mine!
Eyeball
Now, Christopher. I know you didn't mean to insult my friend.
Ace
I know he didn't mean to insult me. That's why I'm going to give him the chance of taking it back.
Ace
[thrusts Chris on his stomach against the sidewalk and begins holding the lit cigarette close to his eye]
Take it back, kid.
Chris
You bastard! Let go, man! Shit!
Gordie
Stop it, man! You're hurting him!
Chris
Filthy bastard...! Okay, I take it back! I take it back!
Ace
Now, I feel a whole let better about this. How 'bout you?
[Gordie stares at him angrily]
Ace
[grins at Chris and pats him on the cheek]
Ace
Good.
Eyeball
See ya later, girls.
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Vern
You think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?
Teddy
What are you cracked?
Vern
Why not? I saw the other day, he was carrying 5 elephants in one hand.
Teddy
Boy, you don't know nothin', Mighty Mouse is a cartoon, Superman is a real guy, no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.
Vern
Yeah, maybe you're right... would be a good fight though!
Teddy
Tssh.
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Teddy
You die, Chambers!
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Eyeball
[Eyeball is giving Billy a tattoo on his shoulder]
So, uh, what's with you and this Connie Palermo chick?
Billy Tessio
Ah, I've been seeing her for over a month now and all she'll let me do is feel her tits.
Ace
[about the girl Billy was referring to]
She's a Catholic, man. They're all like that. If you wanna get laid, you gotta get yourself a Protestant. -A Jew's good.
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[Chris drags Gordie behind the building to show him his gun]
Gordie
Walking talking Jesus!
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The Writer
[after Gordie sees the deer, and the others wake up]
The freight woke up the other guys and it was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer. But I didn't. That was the one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or written about it until just now.
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Gordie
Well, all the kids, instead of calling him Davie, they call him Lardass. Lardass Hogan. Even his little brother and sister calls him Lardass. At school, they put a sticker on his back that says "Wide-Load". And they rank him out and beat him up whenever they get a chance. But one day, he gets an idea; a greatest revenge idea, a kid ever had.
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Teddy
What? You liar! You ain't got no pat hand. You didn't deal yourself no pat hand!
Chris
Make your draw, shit-heap!
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Billy Tessio
[about to get in Ace's car to find Ray Brower's body]
Hey, Ace, uh... maybe me and Charlie shouldn't go.
Charlie Hogan
Yeah, maybe you guys could go without us.
Ace
[sighs]
You guys are like my grandmother having a conniption fit. I don't see your problem. We brought a whole bunch of fishing gear, and if a cop asks us what we're doing here, we're just here to take a couple steelhead out of the river, and look what we found!
Vince Desjardins
Yeah! Come on, man, we're gonna be famous! We're gonna be on every radio and TV show in the country!
Charlie Hogan
I still don't think we should go.
[to the others firmly]
Ace
get in the fucking car, now!
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[repeated line]
Teddy
Two for flinching!
[Punches Vern twice in the arm]
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Gordie
Piss up a rope!
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Mayor Grundy
[a crowd jeers Davy "Lardass" Hogan on stage by calling him "Lardass" repeatedly]
Don't pay any attention to those fools, Lardass - er, I mean Davy.
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The Writer
[voiceover]
Around this time, Charlie and Billy were playing "Mailbox Baseball" with Ace and Eyeball.
[cuts to Ace hitting mailboxes with a bat in a moving car]
Eyeball
You shouldn't have gone for a wooden one. Huh-huh!
[Hands bat to Billy]
Ace
Billy, you're up.
Billy Tessio
Nah, you guys win. I don't wanna play no more.
Eyeball
Hey, you can't quit! We've only played three innings! That would be a non-official game!
Charlie Hogan
Hey, Ace. Uh, we...
[Billy nudges him in the arm]
Ace
What's with you homos? You guys've been acting psycho all day.
[Long pause]
Ace
What is it?
Billy Tessio
It's nothin'! It's nothin'! It's nothin', right?
[Looks over at Charlie who concurs]
Ace
Then, if you gentlemen don't mind, I'd like to finish this game before I start collecting my goddamn Social Security, okay? You're up Billy. Move it!
Billy Tessio
All right! Gimme this fuckin' thing.
[grabs bat and assumes batter's position]
Ace
Let's play ball!
Eyeball
Yeah!
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Chris
You wanna be the Lone Ranger, or the Cisco Kid?
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Gordie
Shut up!
Teddy
I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up!
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Mayor Grundy
Next, a newcomer to the Pie Eat, but one we expect great things from in the future. Young master David Hogan!
Bill Travis
[Trips Lardass, who falls and hits his large belly on the stage and puts on a friendly posture as he helps him up]
Are you all right, young man?
Lardass Heckler #1
Hey Lardass, how was your trip?
Bill Travis
[Quietly to Lardass]
I hear you got a big appetite, Lardass. Don't even think about winning this.
[Helps Lardass stand back up]
Lardass Heckler #2
Boy, are you fat!
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Chris
[the boys get dressed and Gordie is recovering from fainting]
Maybe, we should take Gordie back.
Teddy
Oh, great, Chambers! Now, you're turning pussy too!
Teddy
[Also furious]
What're you, his mother?
Teddy
You eat shit!
[Teddy shoves Chris and Vern stops both of them]
Vern
Hey, hey, hey! I think Chris is right, let's just go back.
Teddy
[laughs]
What a surprise! The king of the pussies wants to go back too!
Vern
Stop calling me that!
Teddy
What, pussy?
Teddy
Pussy.
Vern
Stop...
Teddy
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy!
Vern
You four-eyed psycho.
[Vern is fed up. He charges at Teddy, takes him down. And begins fighting him]
Teddy
Ow! Get off me! Ow, get...
Vern
[Fighting Teddy and punching him over and over]
Two for flinching, you like it? Huh? Do I get two for flinching? You like it, Teddy?
Chris
Come on, guys. Break it up.
[to Chris, Teddy and Vern, yelling]
Gordie
Stop it!
[quietly]
Gordie
I'm not going back.
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Bob Cormier
Hey! From the racks and stacks, it's the best on wax! How 'bout another double-golden-oldie-twin-spin-sound-sandwich from K-L-A-M in Portland? Iiiiiiit's...
Pie-Eat Audience
[finishing sentence] Boss!
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Charlie Hogan
[Charlie and Billy are discussing the discovery of Ray Brower's body]
I still think we should call the cops.
Billy Tessio
You don't go squawkin' to the cops when ya boosted a car, you idiot. They're gonna wanna know how we got all the way out on the back Harlow Road. Now, they know we ain't got no car. It's best we just keep our mouths shut, and then they can't touch us.
Charlie Hogan
We could make a 'nonymous call.
Billy Tessio
They trace those calls, stupid. I seen it on "Highway Patrol" and on "Dragnet."
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Teddy
[after being stopped by Chris for attempting to dodge a train]
I don't need no babysitter.
Chris
You do too.
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Chris
Hell, no. What do you think I am.
[Gordie pulls the trigger and the gun fires a bullet that hits a garbage can]
Gordie
Gordie, Chris: JESUS!
Gordie
Let's get out of here!
[both run out of the alley and down the street and Gordie shoots the guns as they run]
Chris
Gordie did it. Gordie LaChance is shooting up Castle Rock.
Waitress
Hey who did that? Who's setting off Cherry Bombs out here?
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Teddy
[crying]
He ranked my old man!
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Ace
You wasn't planning on taking the body from us, were you, boys?
Chris
You get away. We found him. We got dibs.
Chris
We earned him. You guys came in a car. That's not fair. He's ours.
[Normal voice]
Eyeball
Well, not anymore
Teddy
The four of us, eyeball. You just make your move.
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Chris
I'm never gonna get out of this town am I, Gordie?
Gordie
You can do anything you want, man.
Chris
Yeah, sure. Give me some skin.
Gordie
I'll see ya.
Chris
Not if I see you first.
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Teddy
Hey, you guys been watching The Mickey Mouse Club lately?
Vern
Vern, Gordie, Chris: Yeah.
Teddy
I think Annette's tits are getting bigger.
Chris
You think so?
Teddy
Yeah, I think so.
Gordie
Yeah, I think he's right. I've been noticing lately that the A and the E are starting to bend around the sides.
Vern
[smiling] Annette's tits are *great*.
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Gordie
I'm not going in with a lot of pussies, forget it.
Chris
Well, then you're an asshole.
Gordie
What's asshole about wanting to be with your friends?
Chris
It's asshole if your friends drag you down. You hang with us, you'll just be another wise guy with shit for brains.
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Ace
Come on, kid, just give me the gun before you take your foot off. You ain't got the sack to shoot a woodchuck.
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Billy Tessio
Vern, you little son of a whore!
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The Writer
That summer at home, I had become the Invisible Boy.
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Charlie Hogan
You keyhole-peeping bung. I ought to beat the living shit out of you.
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Vern
Not one of your horror stories, okay? I don't want to hear no horror stories. I'm not up for that, man.
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Teddy
That's it, Chambers. You just signed your own death warrant. You die, Chambers!
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Vern
I never met anybody who fainted before.
Teddy
Maybe he made a bad mistake and looked at your face.
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Teddy
Idiot!
Vern
Shut up, retard.
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Teddy
Nobody will care because everybody's gonna be so jazzed about what we found.
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Gordie
Gordie, Vern, Teddy, Chris: [singing] Have gun will travel, reads the card of a man, A knight without armor in a savage land, His fast for gun hire heeds the calling wind, A soldier of fortune is a man called - Paladin...
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Denny Lachance
It's a good-luck cap, you wear that cap you know how many fish we're gonna catch?
Gordie
How much?
Denny Lachance
A bazillion. A bazillion fish.
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Gordie
We'll all tell our folks we're tenting out in your back field. You tell your folks you're sleeping over at Teddy's. Then we say we're going over to the drag races the next day. We're rock solid until dinner tomorrow night.
Chris
Man, that's a plan-and-a-half.
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Chris
He must have started walking on the train tracks and just followed them the whole way.
Teddy
Yeah. Yeah, right. And then after dark, a train must have come along and - el smacko.
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Mr. Quidacioluo
The Bible says, "In the midst of life, we are in death." Did you know that?
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Teddy
That's pussy.
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Teddy
Verno, nobody believes that crap about moons and goochers. It's baby stuff!
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Chris
Girls, girls, girls - cool it. We'll flip for it.
Gordie
Okay. Odd man goes.
Teddy
That's you, Gordie, odd as a cod.
Gordie
Flip or eat lead.
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The Writer
"No Trespassing" was enforced by Milo Pressman, the junkman and his dog, Chopper. The most feared and least seen dog in Castle Rock. Legend had it that Milo had trained Chopper not just to sic, but to sic specific parts of the human anatomy. Thus, a kid who had illegally scaled the junkyard fence might hear the dread cry, "Chopper, sic balls!"
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Vern
What do we need a pistol for, anyway?
Chris
It's spooky sleeping out at night in the woods. You might see a bear - or a garbage can.
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Chris
Come on, Teddy, man. Get off the tracks. You're crazy.
Teddy
Train dodge. Dig it.
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Mr. Quidacioluo
You look like your brother Denny. People ever tell you that?
Gordie
Sometimes.
Mr. Quidacioluo
I remember the year he was All-Conference. Quarterback, he played. Boy, could he throw. Father, God, and Sonny Jesus.
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The Writer
We talked into the night. The kind of talk that seemed important until you discover girls.
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Gordie
*Train*!
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