Shrimp
[trying to sob his way out of being eaten]
Its true, its true! And the other thing is, my sister had a baby and I took it over after she passed away and the baby lost all its legs and arms and now its just a stump but I take care of it with my wife and... and its growing and its fairly happy... and its difficult because I'm working a second shift at the factory to put food on the table but all the love that I see in that little guy's face it makes it worth it in the end. True story.
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[Lenny accidentally eats Oscar]
Oscar
Don't... swallow!
Lenny
Oscar?
Oscar
No, it's Pinocchio - of course it's me! Why did you do that?
Lenny
Oh, I'm sorry...
Oscar
No, "sorry" is when you step on somebody's fin at the theatre! Yeah, that's "sorry"! "Sorry" is when you ask somebody "Hey, when's the baby due?" and it turns out the person's just fat! No, this is as far away from "sorry" as you can possibly get!
Lenny
Oscar, I think I'm gonna puke...
Oscar
Oh, no no no no... Lenny, just open up, nice and slow!
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[Angie becomes unbelievably and understandably jealous after seeing Oscar and Lola kiss on television]
Angie
Just tell me, Oscar, 'cause I'm curious - why do you think she's interested, huh? Do you think, for one minute, that she would even be WITH you if you weren't the rich and famous Shark Slayer?
Angie
Are you that blind?
Oscar
At least she treats me like I'm somebody!
Angie
Yeah, well would she love you if you were nobody?
Oscar
NOBODY loved me when I was nobody!
Angie
I DID!
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Sykes
Come on, snap your fin. Snap it. You're not snapping it.
Don Lino
I'm snapping it, I'm snapping it!
Sykes
That's okay, a lot of great whites can't do it, yo.
Don Lino
Yo?
Sykes
Yo, what's up?
Don Lino
What's up with what?
Sykes
Yo-yo-yo, yo-yo-yo, yo-yo-yo-yo...
Don Lino
Hey, you say "Yo" one more time, and I'm gonna yo you.
Sykes
I'm sorry.
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Oscar
Hi, I'm Oscar - you might think you know me, but you have no idea! Welcome to my crib - the good life, the way the other half lives! Check it out, I got my 60-inch high-def plasma TV with six-speaker surround, CD, DVD, Playstation and an eight-track for one of those days when you're feeling just a little weeka-weeka-weeka OLD SCHOOL, ha ha ha! Coz even a superstar Mac-daddy fish like me has to have the basic necessities!
Shortie #1
Yeah, like money!
[Camera zooms out to show Oscar standing in front of billboard ad]
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[Frankie starts humming the Jaws tune]
Lenny
That song gives me the creeps!
Frankie
What do ya mean? It's our theme song!
[the Jaws tune starts to play, and the opening credits roll]
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Oyster
Fake? I worked eight years on that!
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Sykes
Now I have to pay Don Lino protection, so everything you owe me, you owe him!
Oscar
How do you figure that?
Sykes
Simple - the food chain!
[Pulls out chart]
Sykes
On top there's Don Lino, there's me, there's regular fish...
Oscar
And that's me!
Sykes
No. There's plankton, there's single-celled amoebas...
Oscar
And then me!
Sykes
I'm getting there, I'm getting there... There's coral, there's rocks, there's whale poop, and then there's you.
Oscar
That's messed up.
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Don Lino
My Lenny is a killer, you hear me? A cold-blooded killer! Look at him!
[Lenny wiggles around on a bar stool]
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Don Feinberg
Any requests? How about that Titanic song?
[the sharks moan and groan their dissent]
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[little louder]
Lenny
Now batting in for the Southside Sharks, Number 15...
[Oscar hits Lenny]
Lenny
Ow, it's not okay to hit.
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[last lines]
Lola
Hello? Hello? Oscar? Listen, Baby, I know I was a bad girl, but you'd have to be crazy not to take me back!
Crazy Joe
Did someone say crazy?
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Oscar
Big shark comes at me. Seventy-five, hundred feet long, with razor-sharp teeth. I say to him, "You coming at me like that? You come at the O like that?"
Angie
Hey, do the muscle thing! The muscle thing!
Oscar
Oh, right. So I say, "You see this guy?"
[points at right bicep]
Oscar
"Well, he has a brother who lives right over here."
[points at left bicep]
Oscar
"And I think it's time for a little..."
Oscar
Oscar, Angie: Family reunion!
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Oscar
Sykes, shut up! SHUT UP!
Sykes
Hey, that's good. That's good, I like that! Shut up, Lino! Ha! Shut up. Oh, kid, he wants to talk to you.
Sykes
Yeah, he's right here.
Don Lino
[hears phone dialing]
Don Lino
What?
Luca
Hi, how you doing? I'll have a large pie, everything on it, anchovies, meatballs, mushrooms...
Don Lino
Luca!
Luca
Oh... Uh, hi, Boss! What're you doing working at a pizza joint?
Luca
But I'm hungry.
[hangs up]
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Oscar
Remember what Angie said. Remember what Angie said. What did Angie say?
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Crazy Joe
Now that you live in a big penthouse, can I be your financial advisor?
Oscar
Crazy Joe, that's a billboard.
Crazy Joe
You live in a billboard?
Oscar
No!
Crazy Joe
...And I thought I was crazy!
[floats away on an umbrella, cackling insanely]
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Don Lino
I tell you what's what, and what?
Sykes
What?
Don Lino
What what?
Sykes
What what nothin'. You said what first.
Don Lino
I didn't say what first.
Sykes
You said "and then what?' and I said "what?'
Don Lino
No, I said "What, what?" as in "What, what?"
[pause]
Sykes
...You said what first.
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Lenny
SHHH! He could still be out there!
Oscar
Who?
Lenny
The Shark Slayer...
[Oscar laughs]
Oscar
There's no Shark Slayer.
Lenny
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, yes there is!
Oscar
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, no there is NOT! Trust me on this one!
Oscar
Get a grip, man! This is no time to act crazy!
Oscar
You're the one acting crazy, crazy!
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Oscar
Well, for your information, I am the Sharkslayer. That's what they're callin' me.
Lenny
Wait a minute. You mean when the...
Oscar
Uh-huh.
Lenny
And then you...
[gasps]
Lenny
Oh, you're a liar!
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Ernie
I'm doing it!
Bernie
X, circle, X X, double left square, right trigger down, square, square.
Ernie
Oh, double square! Respect!
Bernie
Respect!
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Great White #3
My Uncle Vito got whacked by one of those!
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Ernie
[pretending to be Lola, put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face]
You're a nobody!
Bernie
[pretending to be Oscar, also put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face]
No wait! Lola! I'm not a nobody! I'm a weiner!
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Katie Current
Are they gone? Are they gone?... Are you sure?... Good morning, Southeast Reef! This is Katie Current keeping it current! I just received confirmation that the sharks are gone. I repeat, the sharks are gone.
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Oscar
I am the Panama Canal, baby! From now one, everything flows through me!
[he picks up a fork and places it between the eyes of the hammerhead shark Giuseppe]
Giuseppe
What'd he do? What'd he do? I can't see it!
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[Don Lino gets wedged in a porthole while chasing Oscar]
[the Shrimp appears in another porthole]
Shrimp
Well, well, well... look who's stuck in the porthole...
Don Lino
Huh?
Shrimp
You still hungry, big guy? Well, say hello to my little friends!
[a bunch of shrimps appear and attack Lino]
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Oscar
[clears throat]
It was an anchor that killed Frankie. I didn't have anything to do with it and neither did Lenny.
Don Lino
Well then if... that was true, then why did you run away?
Lenny
Because you always wanted me to be like Frankie. I'll never be the shark you want me to be.
Oscar
What is your problem? So your son likes kelp. So his best friend's a fish. So he likes to dress like a dolphin, so what? Everybody loves him just the way he is. Why can't you?
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Angie
You don't have to live at the top of the reef to be somebody.
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Angie
Okay, somebody needs to get me out of the bubble. TODAY.
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Ernie
Hello, Sykes' Whale Wash; And the price...
[Sees Don Lino chasing Oscar]
Ernie
OH MY GOSH!
Bernie
Hey, you got it right.
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[Oscar has just prised his way out of a shark's jaw and is striking a manly pose for the crowds]
Oscar
Are you not entertained?
[the crowd cheers]
Oscar
You can't handle the truth!
[the crowd cheers]
Oscar
You had me at hello!
[the crowd cheers; Angie especially raises an eyebrow]
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Lenny
I'm here, Frankie.
Frankie
Come closer.
Lenny
Yes, what is it?
Frankie
I feel so cold.
Lenny
That's just because we're cold-blooded.
[Frankie slaps Lenny]
Lenny
Ow!
Frankie
Moron.
[dies]
Lenny
Frankie, no. NOOOOOOOO!
[starts crying]
Lenny
This is all my fault. I'm so sorry, Frankie. How am I ever gonna explain this to Pop.
[swims away, crying]
Lenny
Oh, no.
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Bernie
Ernie, let me ask you a question?
Ernie
Yeah, man?
Bernie
Why is it that we can sting other people, but they have no effect on me or you?
[a tentacle of his brushes and stings Ernie, causing him to fall down screaming and twitching]
Bernie
Ernie! I didn't mean it, Ernie, I didn't mean it, man... Ernie, Ernie, ohh, Ernie...
[Ernie suddenly gets up laughing]
Bernie
Ernie! You made a joke! Good one, man - respect!
Ernie
Respect! Bloatfire!
[they high-five each other]
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Oscar
Any shark that comes around in Oscar town is going down! I get poetic! In the heat I get poetic!
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Angie
Sometimes, I wanna take your big, dumb, dummy head, and just... nyhhhh!
[makes pounding motions]
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Luca
Hi, this is Luca the Octopu... never mind. Just listen up and follow these instructions, to the letter like. File cabinet, bottom drawer, there's a package...
[Oscar opens the package to find the necklace he gave Angie...]
Luca
That's right, tough guy. We got your girl. Now there's gonna be a sit-down - be there if you don't wanna see her sleeping with the fishes...
[thinks this statement over]
Luca
...the DEAD ones! Now nod your head if you understand.
[Oscar nods his head]
Luca
Now tell me if you nodded your head.
Oscar
I nodded.
[Luca hangs up]
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Katie Current
The Shark Slayer has done it again, this time luring two sharks into his death trap of hygiene!
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Oscar
And you tell Don LAME-o that I don't never, ever, ever, ever, never ever want to see another shark in this reef again! Ever! Remember this name: Oscar the Sharkslayer!
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Don Lino
[hugging his son]
Lenny? Is that you? You're alive? I thought I'd lost you... What're you wearing, huh? What is that?
[Lenny heaves a resigned sigh and sheds his disguise. The other sharks gape at him]
Luca
Hey, boss, it's Lenny - he was wearing a disguise so we wouldn't recognise him, but he's not wearing a disguise, so we DO recognise him!
Lenny
Hi, Pop...
Don Lino
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you out of your MIND? Do you have any idea how this looks?
Giuseppe
This is the best sit-down I've ever been to!
Don Lino
What're you doing with this guy? He took out your own flesh and blood, Frankie!
Lenny
But Pop, just listen...
Don Lino
But nothing, you never take sides against the family, ever!
Oscar
Don, Lino, sir, listen, it's not his fault - this is between you and me!
Don Lino
What did I ever do to YOU? You took Frankie away, and you turned Lenny into a dolphin! I'm going to get you!
[He goes for Oscar]
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Oscar
Now which one of y'all sardines called this here meeting?
Don Lino
That would be me.
[slams the door, making Sykes, Oscar and Lenny cringe a little]
Don Lino
So, this is the Shark Slayer. I've been looking forward to meeting you. I feel like we're practically family, you know? Funny, ain't it? I brought my sons into the world, full of love and care. And then you took them out. Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'm the Don, the boss of the Great White Sharks!
Luca
Hey boss, I saved you a seat!
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[first lines]
[a shark slowly approaches a worm, who frantically struggles to get free of his line...]
Lenny
Hi, I'm Lenny.
[the worm faints]
Lenny
Ooh! Little buddy, did I scare you?
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Shortie #1
Let's go make Mr Sykes puff up!
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[while Don Lino talks to Sykes, the music record slips]
Don Lino
LUCA!
[Luca fixes the record, but accidentally sets it to play "Baby Got Back". Lino and Sykes stare at Luca, who quickly puts the record off]
Luca
Hey, boss... big butts. Ha ha.
Don Lino
Oy vey...
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[staging a mock fight]
Oscar
Listen to them, Lenny! They love us!
Lenny
They love YOU, they hate me!
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Oscar
Well... I'm still working out the kinks...
Angie
Kinks? You LIED! Everybody thinks you "slayed the shark!"
Oscar
Well, who am I to tell them that they're wrong?
Oscar
How could you lie to me, Oscar? ME?
Oscar
Don't take it personal, Angie! Come on, I lied to EVERYBODY!
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Don Lino
Hey, Luca... Get Sykes. He knows that Reef better than anybody. I want to know all about this guy. I want to know what he does. I want to know where he eats. I want to know where he sleeps. He pops a gill, I want to know about it. Who is the Shark Slayer?
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Sykes
[on the phone]
That's right, Lino! The Shark Slayer hired me as his agent! So I'm now, what I like to call, UNTOUCHABLE! And another thing - from now on you're gonna start paying ME protection!
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Oscar
What is with y'all living in a love boat? You're supposed to be the MOB, get yourselves a decent hideout!
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1
Oscar
Yo that was crazy, right? Who knew? I mean it's all set, we good to go, we had the money. And he trips underwater. Who in the hell-o-but trips underwater? And by the way, on what?
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Oscar
All right, I totally betrayed you, but before we work this out I got a small thing to take care of...
Angie
Oh, yeah? What's that?
Oscar
SHARKS... ARE COMING... TO GET ME!
Angie
And they should! What did you expect? You just take credit for killing a shark and then everything would be fine and dandy for the rest of your life?
Oscar
Uh... yeah. But don't worry. Me and Lenny, we're gonna take care of this...
Lenny
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with the "we"? I don't want any part of this?
Oscar
Hey, too late now, Veggie Boy, they'll be looking for you too!
Lenny
Point taken. What's the plan?
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Oscar
Ernie! Bernie! My jellyfish brothers! Booyakah!
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Lola
Deep down, I'm really superficial.
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Lenny
Here I come! Ta-da! I'm Sebastian! The whale washing dolphin!
[makes clicking noises]
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Oscar
I'm not really a shark slayer... I lied.
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Katie Current
You've lost everything you've lied so hard to achieve.
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Shortie #1
You so broke your bologna has no first name.
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Giuseppe
It's a terrible thing. Everyone loved Frankie. May whoever did this die a thousand deaths. May his stinking, maggot-covered corpse rot in the fiery depths of Hell.
Don Lino
Thank you for your kind thoughts, Guiseppe.
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Don Feinberg
He come out of nowhere, this guy. Calls himself...
[turns around with a flourish]
Don Feinberg
The Shark Slayer!
[Feinberg turns to face Lino]
Don Lino
Where do I find him?
Don Feinberg
He lives on the South Side. That's all we could dig up.
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Oscar
AHHH! Okay, everybody go home to your loved ones - spend the last few hours that you have with each other!
[Everyone stares at him]
Oscar
Oh, I mean... that's the way it used to be. We'd be scrambling around and stuff. But that was before Oscar came to town!
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Angie
You're going way too far, Oscar!
Lenny
Actually, he hasn't gone far enough...
Oscar
Exactly!... what?
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Sykes
[on the phone, while watching Oscar slay Lenny on TV]
I don't think you understand how huge my client is. Turn on your TV right now!
Sykes
[still on phone and Oscar escapes Lenny's mouth]
Turn on your TV! What are you doing turning off your TV? Turn it back on!
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Lenny
It's all my fault, kinda, not really, but still...
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Oscar
Sykes, the deal is off! That shark I killed was Don Lino's SON!
Sykes
I know! Ain't that great?
Oscar
Not if he finds out!
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Sykes
Who's your Puff Daddy? Who takes care of you, huh?
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Oscar
My dad was the greatest... but nobody loves a nobody.
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[first words]
Don Lino
[looking in an aquarium of piranha]
How are my babies this morning? You miss me? You doing good, huh? Huh? You see, Sykes, it's a fish-eat-fish world - you either take or you get TAKEN!
[drops a morsel into the aquarium and the fish fight over it]
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Oscar
My man, Sykes... Has just, begged me... Not to murderlize you all up in here, all right? Now I might listen to him... But then again I might not!
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Lola
Wait. Are you dumping me?
[Oscar nods yes]
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Ernie
Oscar!
Bernie
Did you kill that shark?
Oscar
Yeah, Yeah. Exactly how it looked; that's how it is.
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Lola
The only thing I like more than money is... revenge.
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Oscar
He trips underwater. Now who in the halibut trips underwater? And by the way, on what?
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Sykes
My brother, my player, the shark-slayer!
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Ernie
[on the phone]
Syke's Whale Wash! You get a whale of a wash and the price... eh... is really, really low, considering how good the wash is.
Sykes
It's "oh my gosh!" "You get a whale of a wash, and the price, oh my gosh!"
Ernie
Got it!
[the phone rings, and Ernie answers it]
Ernie
Whale wash!
Bernie
Rhymes with gosh!
[both laugh]
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[taps crew member name]
Crazy Joe
He hardly worked on the film at all! Always on the phone - yakking, yakking, yakking!
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Oscar
Sometimes I just be coughing for nothin'!
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Katie Current
Oscar, are you going to continue working at the wash?
Oscar
Please, I barely work here now.
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Sykes
Ernie! Bernie! I want you to find the deepest, darkest hole in the ocean, and when you do, dig deeper and put him in it!
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Shrimp
You got served!
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Oscar
Sykes! My brother from another mother!
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Oscar
Angie? Oh, Angie. I wish I knew now what I knew then. I mean... I wish you knew... what I knew... before this...
Crazy Joe
You're blowin' it, man!
Oscar
Mind your business, aight? It's emotional... and it's pressure!
[turns back to Angie]
Oscar
What I'm sayin' is... I didn't need the Top of the Reef. Everything I ever wanted... was right in front of me the whole time.
Angie
But what about being a somebody?
Oscar
I'm a nobody without you.
[Angie smiles. Crazy Joe pulls out his puppets making kissing noises]
Oscar
Not helping!
[chuckles]
Angie
Oh. Come here, you big dumb, dummy head!
[kisses Oscar]
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Mrs. Sanchez
The hippity-hop smooth talk don't work with me.
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Angie
To me, you were a somebody, Oscar. Now you're nothing but a fake. A sham. A con. You're a joke.
[Oscar is deeply crushed and saddened by her words]
Oscar
Angie...
Angie
[on a verge of tears]
No, forget it! Just go! 'Cause I'm tired of hearing how everything you had in your life wasn't good enough... including me.
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Human Mafia Member 1
[alternate opening; two human Mafia members are on a boat with a dead body] Do you think this constitutes uh... an environmental impact?
Human Mafia Member 2
I believe our constituent constitutes humanitarian aid.
[they dump the body into the water]
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