Mad Dog and Glory Movie Quotes
Glory
Life is what happens to you while you're waiting for your ship to come in.
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Mad Dog
[singing]
When the end comes I know, They'll say just a gigolo, Life goes on without me, I ain't got nobody
Mike
[speaking]
What, you got laid last night?
Mad Dog
Mike, I don't get laid; I make love.
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Milo
Women.
[Inhales/exhales deeply]
Milo
Fuckin' women - you can't live with 'em; you can't kill 'em.
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Harold
I just want to know if you're happy. Are you happy? 'Cause I get paid either way.
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Milo
You love her? I own her!
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[Glory catches Wayne counting money in the bathroom]
Glory
How much am I going for?
Mad Dog
About $40,000.
Glory
Is that all?
Mad Dog
Knocked down from 75.
Glory
I must be out of season.
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[Frank is doing his routine for a group of cops]
Milo
My friend, Phil, he wants to join the police department. He goes to the station, and starts filling out the application. They ask him, "Mr. Scarangello, how tall are you?" And he looks at his right hand and says, "Uh, five foot ten." And they ask him, "how much do you weigh?" And he looks at his other hand, and says, "Two hundred and three pounds." So then they ask, "Okay, and what's your first name?" He goes...
Milo
[bobs his head from side to side]
"Philly." They ask him, "what are you doing with your head there?" He goes...
[laughter]
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Milo
Come on, Wayne. It's a girl.
Mad Dog
Fight me for her! Fight me for her!
Milo
That's playground, Wayne.
Mad Dog
Fight me for her!
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Mike
Chivas and milk... I never forget a neck!
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Milo
We'll go away. But you know what? We'll get her. Somebody'll get her. A hit and run, a mugging. Do you know what botulism is? We can get her with soup.
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Harold
You ought to try that tough guy shit with me sometime.
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Mad Dog
I'll be right back.
[goes to get some twinkies, for a colleague]
Mike
You're killin' him, Mad Dog... Get him some Melba toast.
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Milo
[after being accused, by Mike, of killing the shooter that was left in the garbage pail]
Oh and incidently, I don't know what you are talking about... a guy in a garbage pail... but uh, most of the people I know who don't die in bed... they usually wind up killing themselves.
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Glory
Going to Frank is like taking heroin to cure an alcohol problem, ya know?
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[last lines]
Glory
Let's go home. Come on.
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[first lines]
Dealer in Car
Yo fellas, what's up?
Driver
Same old same old.
Dealer in Car
I got meatballs, I got ready rocks, I got gumballs. Shit, I even got gas starter kits.
Shooter
Jumbos, two-twentys.
Dealer in Car
Two-twentys'll be 40.
Shooter
[flashing bills]
You break this?
Dealer in Car
I ain't no cash machine.
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Milo
Don't ever, ever fuck with me. Don't ever lie to me, disrespect me, underestimate me. If you do, your life becomes a raging sea. But, come to me like a man - come to me eyes open, head up, hand out, then I become more than a friend, more than a shoulder. I become the expediter of your dreams.
Mad Dog
That's beautiful.
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Mad Dog
It's the first time I pulled out my gun in 15 years. I pissed on myself.
Mike
You know why? Because you're a sensitive, intelligent indivdual.
Mad Dog
You ever piss on yourself?
Mike
Look, I would've walked in there and drilled the red-eyed little bastard - but that's just the way I am. But if I ever had an intelligent thought, it would die of loneliness. It all evens out. You know what I mean? Let me tell you something. Next time that happens, you're that scared - the best thing is sex. You're all adrenalized. You'll go off like a rocket.
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Mad Dog
From the direction of the blood on the window, I'd say your victim got whacked here - and your shooter was sitting in the front passenger seat there. You got a lot of blood in the doorwell - so the door had to be open at the time. Maybe he slipped in for a quick sale and the deal went sour or it was rip-off time and ba-boom.
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Mike
Slip your piece under the towel.
Andrew
I got no beef with you.
Mike
Are you sweet? Is that your problem?
Andrew
Come on, I'm on the job.
Mike
You ain't on my fuckin' job.
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Mad Dog
My wife - she thinks fucking and cooking are two cities in China.
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Mad Dog
You know, I get this feeling me and you - we both wanna be someplace else. You know what I mean?
Milo
Not me.
Mad Dog
Okay. Not you.
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Mad Dog
She was pretty nice about it. A nice person. I liked her. She was nice.
Milo
She sounds like a bitch.
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Glory
Look, it's not what you think. It's not a sex thing. Jesus. Jesus.
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Mad Dog
Hey, the shooter? I know who he is. The net's closing.
Milo
The net's closing?
Harold
I like that. "The net's closing."
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Mad Dog
My wife - they should cross her with a - MacIntosh PC. Get a computer - that never goes down.
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Glory
I would have cleaned the place for you, but I couldn't find any dirt.
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Mike
Who's the babe?
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Mike
Jesus, look at that shiner. Looks like that dog on "The Little Rascals". Who is it, Petey?
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Glory
Why is it the worst thing a guy can imagine happening to a woman... is that she fucked some other guy?
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Mad Dog
Okay, what about me? What if I get horny?
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Mad Dog
Crazy? I'm a fuckin' mad dog!
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Mike
No guts, no glory. Right?
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Glory
Whatever happens is up to me. Where have I heard that before?
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Milo
I told you I was doin' you a big favor with this. I hate it when people take advantage of my favors.
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Milo
You got three days. I want 40,000 or I want Glory. This shit today, Wayne? This was fuckin' Romper Room.
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Milo
You always get someone else to fight your fights for you? Who am I to talk, right?
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Glory
I'm like a thank-you present. I'm like - I'm like - I'm a seven-day singing telegram. I'm like one of those people that comes to your door in a gorilla suit with balloons.
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Mike
Come on, you fuckin' hump. Come on, you hero. I want a taste of you. Let's go. Come on, get up.
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M.C.
Ladies and gentlemen. Dig it.
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Milo
The only thing cheaper than a hood is a cop. Cops. Forget about it. They squeeze the nickel till the buffalo shits.
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Mike
That was balls up what you did last night. Don't kid yourself.
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Mike
If I was you last night, I would have been on the horn with every broad I knew who wasn't related to me by blood.
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Pavletz
Pick me up some Twinkies. There should be a little mini-mart open a couple of blocks from the scene.
Mike
Twinkies? It's 2:00 in the morning, you fat fuck.
Pavletz
Twinkies.
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Mike
Hey, Mad Dog, you know what I want for Christmas? Sixteen vestal virgins.
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Mike
You're killing him, Mad Dog. Get him some melba toast.
Mad Dog
Mike, do me a favor. My name's Wayne.
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Milo
Angie's father was on his deathbed. He calls his sons to him and says, "Put a hundred in my coffin. Each of you." In case, you know, you can take it with you. The guy dies. Angie's two brothers put in their yardage. Angie - drops in a check for 300 and takes out the cash.
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Milo
My therapist says that I crave recognition more than accomplishment. Maybe that's why I do stand-up. What the hell? I own the club. So, what do you think of my act?
Mad Dog
I heard two Buddy Hackett jokes, a Pat Cooper, and a half a Lenny Bruce.
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Milo
All right, let the body heat coming up through your hand warm up the cognac. Give it a little swirl. Alright, take a little sniff. Nice, right? Okay, take a sip, but hold it. Don't gulp it. Just let it like - leak back down your throat.
Mad Dog
I know how to drink cognac.
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Glory
You ask a bartender or a waiter around here, "What do you do?" They say, "I'm an actor." "I'm a singer." "I'm a student." "I'm a writer." After a couple years, you have to be honest with yourself. I'm a bartender. A waiter. Waitress.
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Mad Dog
I haven't made love in two years.
Glory
Made love. I like that. You talk like someone out of the Round Table days. Sir Lancelot. Galahad.
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Mad Dog
The thing about photographing death - there's no dignity in death. The body can't defend itself. Can't pull its skirt down. Can't close its mouth. Cops are walkin' around the crime scene, everything's a joke. And what you're photographing on the job is like the worst kind of - helplessness.
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