News Reporter
Once again, a UFO has landed in America, the only country UFOs ever seem to land in.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Might we ask for your name, madam?
Susan Murphy
Susan.
B.O.B.
No, we mean like your monster name. You know, what do people scream when they see you coming? Like "Look out! Here comes...?"
Susan Murphy
Susan.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Really?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The President of the United States
Hang it all! What's the point? It's a disaster.
[he goes to push a huge red button; all the advisors shout "Don't do it"]
Advisor Cole
That button launches all of our nuclear missiles!
The President of the United States
Well, then which button gets me a latte?
Advisor Wedgie
Uuh, that would be the other one, sir.
[camera pans to an identical button next to the first one. The President pushes it and serves himself a cup of coffee]
The President of the United States
What idiot designed this thing?
Wilson
You did, sir.
The President of the United States
Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody.
Wilson
Yes, sir, Mr. President.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Gallaxhar
Humans of Earth, I come in peace. You need not fear me, I mean you no harm. However, it is important to note that most of you will not survive the next 24 hours. The few of you that do survive will be enslaved and experimented upon. You should, in no way, take any of this personally. It's just business. So to recap, I come in peace, I mean you no harm, and you all will die. Gallaxhar out.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
General W.R. Monger
[presenting a slide show about his monsters]
Mr. President, say hello to Insectosaurus.
[a woman screams, dropping her tray with china]
General W.R. Monger
Miss Ronson, please. Nuclear radiation turned him from a small grub into a 350 foot tall monster, that attacked Tokyo. Here we have the Missing Link.
[Ronson screams and drops her tray again]
General W.R. Monger
A 20,000-year-old frozen fish man, who was thawed out by scientists. He escaped, and went on a rampage at his old watering hole. This handsome fellow is Dr. Cockroach, PhD., the most brilliant man in the world. He invented a scientific machine, that would give humans the cockroach's ability to survive. Unfortunately there was a side effect.
[Ronson screams again, cracking china]
General W.R. Monger
Now, we call this thing B.O.B.
[Ronson screams again, cracking china]
General W.R. Monger
WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUTTA HERE?
[off-camera sound of Ronson being taken away, cracking china]
General W.R. Monger
Thank you! A genetically altered tomato was combined with a chemically altered ranch-flavored dessert topping at a snack food plant. The resulting goop gained consciousness, and became an indestructible, gelatinous mass. And our latest addition: Ginormica.
[another scream, the same as Ronson's is heard, and it turns out to be the President's]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
B.O.B.
Goodbye, Derek! Good luck getting over me.
Susan Murphy
Uh, B.O.B.? It's me he's never gonna get over.
B.O.B.
Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait, wait, wait. You were dating Derek too? That two-timing jerk!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The President of the United States
Commander, do something violent.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
B.O.B.
Turns out, you don't need one. Totally overrated! As a matter of fact, I don't even...
[starts gasping for air]
B.O.B.
I forgot how to breathe! Don't know how to breathe! Help me, Doctor Cockroach! Help! Help!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Suck in, B.O.B.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
B.O.B.
She?
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Yes. We are in the prescence of the rare female monster.
B.O.B.
No way! It's a boy; look at his boobies!
The Missing Link
We need to have a talk.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The President of the United States
Boys, set the terror level at code brown, 'cause I need to change my pants.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The Missing Link
[while outside for the first time in 50 years]
It a little hotter than I remember. Has the Earth gotten warmer? It would be great to know that... that would be a very convenient truth.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Susan wakes up on board Gallaxhar's spaceship in a containment cell]
Gallaxhar
[enters on a personal hovercraft]
You must be terrified. You wake up in a strange place, wearing strange clothes, imprisoned by a strange being floating on a strange hovering device. Strange, isn't it?
Susan Murphy
Hardly. It's not the first time.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
[building an atom bomb out of a plastic toy]
Ah, Susan. You wouldn't happen to have any uranium on you? Just need a smidge.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The Missing Link
Anyway, how, er, how was Derek?
[Susan sighs]
Susan Murphy
Derek is a selfish jerk.
B.O.B.
No!
Susan Murphy
Yes. All that talk about "us" - "I'm so proud of us", "Us just got a job in Fresno". There's no "us". There was only Derek. Why did I have to get hit by a meteor to see that? I'm such an idiot!
[she kicks the roof of the gas station, sending B.O.B. flying]
Susan Murphy
Why did I ever think life with Derek would be so great anyway? I mean, look at all the stuff I've done without him. Fighting an alien robot? That was me, not him. And that was amazing! Meeting you guys? Amazing. Dr. Cockroach, you can crawl up walls and build a super-computer out of a pizza box, two cans of hairspray and...
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
And a paper clip.
Susan Murphy
Amazing! And you - you hardly need an introduction; you're the Missing Link! You personally carried 250 co-eds off of Cocoa Beach, and still had the strength to fight off the National Guard.
The Missing Link
And the Coast Guard. And also the Life Guard.
Susan Murphy
Amazing!
[B.O.B. lands]
Susan Murphy
B.O.B., who else could fall from unimaginable heights and end up without a single scratch?
B.O.B.
Link?
Susan Murphy
Y-you.
B.O.B.
Amazing!
[Insectosaurus roars]
The Missing Link
Good point, Insecto. Susan, don't short-change yourself.
Susan Murphy
Oh, I'm not gonna short-change myself.
[stands at full height]
Susan Murphy
Ever again!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The President of the United States
Listen up. I'm not going to go down in history as the President who was in office when the world came to an end, so somebody think of something, and think of it fast!
[sips coffee]
The President of the United States
That is a good cup of Joe.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
B.O.B.
Wow! Would you look at the size of that...
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Foot!
[Cockroach and Link jump out of the way, as the robot steps on B.O.B]
[robot takes a step]
B.O.B.
Don't worry, I won't let go! I'm wearing him dow...
[robot takes a step]
B.O.B.
Please tell me he's slowing down!
[robot takes a step]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
B.O.B.
I may not have a brain, gentlemen, but I have an idea.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Derek Dietl
Wow. You're glowing.
Susan Murphy
Thank you.
Derek Dietl
No. No, Susan, you're, like, really glowing. You're green!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The Missing Link
Halt! I, Gallaxhar, command you to hand over the prisoner this instant.
Gallaxhar clone
Clearly you are defective beyond repair. Guards, take this defective clone to the incinerator!
[pause]
Gallaxhar clone
Well, what're you waiting for? You, and you!
[points at B.O.B and Dr. Cockroach]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Seriously?
Gallaxhar clone
Yes. Take the prisoner and the defective clone to the incinerator.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Uh, of course, sir.
Gallaxhar clone
And here's a security pass, just in case.
[he offers a laser gun to B.O.B]
Gallaxhar clone
Would you like a gun?
B.O.B.
Yes, I would. Hey, guys, look.
[gun goes off and hits clone]
The Missing Link
Okay...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Computer
Your busted, tired dance moves are no match for my security protocols.
Susan Murphy
We can't hold them off much longer!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
There's one thing you don't know about me, my dear. My PhD is in... dance!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The Missing Link
No monster has ever gotten out of here.
B.O.B.
That's not true! The invisible man did.
The Missing Link
No he didn't. We just told you that so you wouldn't get upset.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
He died of a heart attack twenty-five years ago.
B.O.B.
Nooo!
The Missing Link
Yeah. In that very chair.
[motions towards an empty chair]
The Missing Link
He's still there.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
They called me crazy, but I'll show them. I'll show them all! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Susan Murphy
Doctor, I'd prefer you didn't do your mad scientist laugh while I'm hooked up to this machine.
[Insectosaurus roars]
The Missing Link
You're right, Insecto. You've been letting that quack experiment on you for over a month.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
I'm not a quack, I'm a mad scientist. There's a difference.
Susan Murphy
Guys, what choice do I have? If he can make me normal, or even six-foot-eight, I can get out of here, get back to the life I'm supposed to have. I mean, I should be in...
The Missing Link
Let me guess, Fresno?
Susan Murphy
Well, Fresno is just a stepping stone. Next stop, Milwaukee, and then New York and then some day hopefully...
The Missing Link
Yeah, we know. Paris.
Susan Murphy
Throw the switch, Doctor. But-but don't do the laugh.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Now, you're going to feel a slight pinch in the brain. Mwa-ha-ha... Sorry.
[he turns on the machine; Susan is shocked with electricity until she passes out. When she comes to, the others are standing over her]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Susan! Yoo-hoo!
Susan Murphy
Am I small again?
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
I'm afraid not, my dear.
[Susan sits up, her hair standing on end]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The President of the United States
So that's how you want to play it? Eat lead, alien robot!
[Shoots at robot; nothing happens]
The President of the United States
Evidently they eat lead.
Secret Service Man #2
Get him on the chopper!
The President of the United States
I'm brave! I am a brave president!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Susan Murphy
I can't believe it! Soon I'll be back in Derek's arms... or... he'll be in mine.
The Missing Link
Ahh I can't wait for spring break back at Cocoa Beach just... freakin' everybody out.
B.O.B.
And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
No no, that's me, B.O.B.
B.O.B.
Then I'll be a really giant lady.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
That's Susan, B.O.B.
B.O.B.
Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek.
The Missing Link
Yeah, that's still Susan B.O.B.
B.O.B.
I think I at least deserve a chance to be with Derek!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
General W.R. Monger
Don't think of this as a prison. Think of it as a hotel you never leave because it's locked from the outside.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[B.O.B. picks up a three from a deck of cards, Insectosaurus is standing behind B.O.B]
The Missing Link
Do you have any...
[Insectosaurus stomps three times]
The Missing Link
Threes?
B.O.B.
Yes! I do! How are you doing this? You're the luckiest guy I know!
The Missing Link
Luck ain't got nothin' to do with it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
B.O.B.
[to a green jello]
Hi. I'm benzoate ostylezene bicarbonate. Or you can call me B.O.B, whichever is easier. Did I come on too strong? I'm sorry. I'm a little rusty. I mean, I've be... I've been in prison my whole life. Why'd I mention prison?
[he slams his fist on the table, causing jello to shake]
B.O.B.
Oh, I didn't mean to scare you. Uh, I'm just gonna go. Ugh, I feel so stupid.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Anyone care for an atomic gin fizz? It's got quite a...
[drink explodes]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
...kick.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Susan Murphy
Where's Derek?
Wendy Murphy
Uh, he's at work, sweetie.
Carl Murphy
You know how he is about his career.
Susan Murphy
Well, we're not gonna celebrate without him.
Wendy Murphy
Susan? Wha-what do I do with all your little friends?
Susan Murphy
Just put out some snacks. They'll eat anything.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
By Hawking's chair!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[first lines]
Technician Ben
Hey, Jerry, you might wanna check this one out. Palomar just picked it up. Looks like some type of UFO, and it's heading this way.
Technician Jerry
How many times do I have to tell you this? UFOs don't exist. And we're never gonna see...
[sees computer, heads to monitors]
Technician Ben
Wow, it's energy signature is massive.
Technician Jerry
[panicking]
Holy Cheez-its! What do we do? No one ever told us what to do! The only reason I took the job is 'cause you never have to do anything!
Technician Ben
Jerry, stop it! We calculate its impact point. Looks like... Modesto, California.
Technician Jerry
[on phone]
Supernova, this is Red Dwarf. We actually have one. Code Nimoy. I repeat, Code Nimoy!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Susan Murphy
It's okay. They're with me. These are my new friends.
B.O.B.
[grabs Susan's mom, Wendy]
Oh, Derek! I missed you so much! Thinking that we'd someday be together again. It's the only thing that got me through prison. I love you! I love this man!
[he hugs Wendy so hard he absorbs her into his body]
Susan Murphy
No, B.O.B.! That's my mother! You're suffocating her!
[B.O.B spits her out]
Carl Murphy
Honey, are you all right?
Wendy Murphy
I taste ham.
Susan Murphy
Sorry Mom. He's just a hugger.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The Missing Link
You see what I'm saying? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's ever getting out.
General W.R. Monger
Good news, monsters! You're getting out!
The Missing Link
Until today.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
The feeling's mutual, my friend.
B.O.B.
I'll see you guys tomorrow, for lunch.
The Missing Link
That's right, B.O.B.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
There'll be candy, cake; balloons.
B.O.B.
Cake and balloons for lunch? It's gonna be the best day ever! I love you guys!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
General W.R. Monger
We, er, had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell, try to keep you all calm like.
[the cell has a small "Hang in there" poster with a kitten on]
Susan Murphy
[on the verge of tears]
But I don't want a poster. I want a real kitten, hanging from a real tree. I want to go home.
General W.R. Monger
Oh. come on, little Debbie, please don't cry, it makes my knees hurt.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
General W.R. Monger
This place is an X-file, wrapped in a cover-up and deep-fried in a paranoid conspiracy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Wendy Murphy
Susan, where have you been?
Susan Murphy
I think I just got hit by a meteorite.
Wendy Murphy
Oh, Susan. Every bride feels that way on her wedding day.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Advisor Hawk
We need our top scientific minds on this. Get India on the phone.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[as Susan is growing, everyone is running away]
Susan Murphy
Wait. Wait, everybody. It's OK. Have some champagne while we're figuring this out.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
B.O.B.
What happened to the "there isn't a jar in the world I can't open" stuff? Wait, did you find a jar you couldn't open? What was in it? Was there pickles in it? Where's the giant jar of pickles?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Katie
This is the worst date ever.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[B.O.B. is stuck to the sole of a robot; it passes by a hot dog cart]
B.O.B.
Hot dogs!
[grabs the hot dog cart; is about to eat it when the robot takes a step]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Wow, what a shindig. Your parents really know how to throw it down.
The Missing Link
What? No, that was a great party, one of the best I've even been to since I got out of prison.
B.O.B.
I must have been at a different party, 'cause that's not how I interpreted it at all. I don't think your parents like me, and I think that jello gave me a fake phone number.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
B.O.B.
I think he sees us.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Derek Dietl
Susan!
Susan Murphy
Derek?
Derek Dietl
Baby, I thought long and hard about what happened between us, and I want you to know, I forgive you.
Susan Murphy
*You* forgive *me*?
Derek Dietl
Of course. It wasn't your fault you got hit by a meteorite and ruined everything. And you know what? I say maybe you didn't ruin everything. I just got a call from New York. They offered me network. All I have to do is get an exclusive interview from you.
Susan Murphy
Really?
Derek Dietl
Yeah! I get my dream job, and you get your dream guy. It's a win-win for Team Dietl.
Susan Murphy
Derek... that's amazing. Er, is the camera rolling?
Derek Dietl
Absolutely.
Susan Murphy
[picks up Derek]
Good, because I wouldn't want your fans out there to miss this. This is Susan Murphy saying, "Goodbye, Derek!"
[she flicks him up in the air]
Susan Murphy
B.O.B., could you, er...?
B.O.B.
[after catching Derek and spitting him out again]
Derek, you are a selfish jerk, and guess what? I've met someone else. She's lime green, she has 14 little chunks of pineapple inside of her, and she is everything I deserve in life! I'm happy now, Derek, without you. It's over.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Derek Dietl
What's going on? What's happening here?
Susan Murphy
You're all shrinking!
Derek Dietl
Uh-uh. You're growing!
Susan Murphy
Well, make it stop!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Susan Murphy
Oh, thank goodness. A real person. You are a real person, right? Not one of those half person, half machine, whatever you call those things?
General W.R. Monger
A cyborg?
Susan Murphy
Oh, no! You're a cyborg!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Susan Murphy
But I'm not a monster! I'm just a regular person. I'm not a danger to anyone or anything!
[accidentally hits a helicopter with her hand, causing it to crash]
Helicopter Pilot
Don't let her get me!
Susan Murphy
Sorry.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Susan Murphy
Three weeks ago, if you had asked me to defeat a giant alien robot, I would've said "no can do". But I did it! Me! I'm still buzzing, I mean... Did you see how strong I was? There probably isn't a jar in this world I can't open.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The Missing Link
Don't scare Insectosaurus! He's gonna pee himself, and then we'll all be in trouble.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
General W.R. Monger
Woo-whee! Now, that's a robot!
Susan Murphy
It's huge.
General W.R. Monger
Try not to damage it too much, monsters. I might want to bring it back to the farm.
Susan Murphy
No, no, no, no, wait! You didn't say anything about it being huge!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
General W.R. Monger
I'm not gonna kid you, Mr. President. These are dark times. The odds are against us. We need a Hail Mary pass! We need raw power! We need... monsters!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Wendy Murphy
Oh, Susan. Ever since you were a baby, I knew that, someday, you would, you know, save the Earth from an invasion from outer space.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
What my associate is trying to say, is that we all think the new Susan is the cat's me-WOW!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Gallaxhar
Finally, I can rebuild my civilization on a new planet. Any thoughts on where I should set up shop? Your planet, perhaps?
Susan Murphy
You keep your slimy tentacles off my planet...
Gallaxhar
[grabs Susan with one of his tentacles]
If you wanted to stop me, you should have done it when you possessed the quantonium. Now you're nothing.
Susan Murphy
There're innocent people down there, who didn't do anything!
Gallaxhar
[throws Susan down to the ground]
There were innocent people on my home planet, before it was destroyed.
Susan Murphy
Look, I'm sorry your planet was destroyed.
Gallaxhar
Oh, don't be. I'm the one who destroyed it. Confused? After I reveal my tale to you, everything will become crystal clear. Computer, initialize cloning machine!
Computer
Yes, Gallaxhar.
[Gallaxhar gets on the machine]
Gallaxhar
Many zentons ago, when I was but a squidling, I found out my parents were...
[machine closes; after a moment, it opens again]
Gallaxhar
No child should ever have to endure that! So I went on the road, with a giant...
[machine closes and opens again]
Gallaxhar
...and soon thereafter was married! Things were going well, until she wanted to...
[machine closes and opens again]
Gallaxhar
...and then I was all "no way!", and she was all "yes way!", and I was like...
[machine closes and opens again]
Gallaxhar
But I've told you too much already. Let the birth of my new planet, now called... Gallaxhar's Planet, begin!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
General W.R. Monger
I've been your warden for close to fifty years. That's no longer the case. For what it's worth...
[he salutes]
B.O.B.
That's rude. What did we do?
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
No, B.O.B., that's not rude. That's a sign of respect.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Susan Murphy
Oh, please, God, please tell me this isn't real. Please tell me I just had a nervous breakdown at the wedding and now I'm in a mental hospital and I'm on medication that's giving me hallucinations.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
General W.R. Monger
Monsters, I'm so proud of you, I could cry, if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war. But not crying will have to wait. The world needs you again.
Susan Murphy
What is it, General?
General W.R. Monger
Seems a snail fell into a French nuclear reactor. As we speak, Escargantua is slowly making it's way to Paris.
Susan Murphy
Well, I've always wanted to go to Paris. Now who's with me?
The Missing Link
What do you say, Butterfly... osaurus?
[Butterflyosaurus roars, saying *yes*]
The Missing Link
We're in.
B.O.B.
I'm in!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Count me in too.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Computer
[Gallaxhar drinks a hot liquid like tea through his ear and spits it out his mouth in pain]
Careful, it's hot.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
General W.R. Monger
Over the last 50 years, I have captured monsters on the rampage, and locked them up in a secret prison facility. So secret, that the mere mention of its name is a federal offense.
Advisor Cole
[to his table neighbor]
Is he referring to Area Fifty...?
[is shot with a tranquilizer dart]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Katie is trying to get smoochy with Cuthbert]
Cuthbert
Don't rush me, Katie. I'm just, not ready.
Katie
Oh, relax Cuthbert, it's just like dancing. I'll lead.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
B.O.B.
You're doing great!
Susan Murphy
I'm doing everything!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Hello.
Susan Murphy
Eww!
[she swats at Dr. Cockroach with her spoon]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Will you stop... Careful!
[hangs on to the spoon]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
[as Susan bangs the spoon repeatedly on the table]
Please, madam! Stop... doing... that! Ow!
[he finally releases the spoon and comes to lie on the table, heavily battered]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Whatever mad scientist made you, he really went all out.
[collapses]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Poor Link. After all that tough talk, you were outmonstered by a girl. No wonder you're depressed.
The Missing Link
Hey, I'm not depressed. I'm tired.
B.O.B.
Why are you tired? You didn't do anything.
The Missing Link
Well, I haven't been sleeping well, all right? I got sleep apnes... apne-, apnea. Whatever, it's not fun.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Gallaxhar
Are you crazy? You could have killed me!
Susan Murphy
Then we understand each other. Now open the doors and let my friends go.
Gallaxhar
Or what? You don't actually think you're a match for me, do you?
Computer
Quantonium has been successfully diverted to the bridge. Escape capsule ready for transport.
Gallaxhar
Like I told you before, you should have defeated me when you had the quantonium. Have fun exploding.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Link is lifting weights]
The Missing Link
...seven, eight...
[Susan passes by]
The Missing Link
...nine hundred and ninety nine, one thousand. Whoo! I can't believe I did ten sets.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
You can't crush a cockroach! Mwahahaha!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mama Dietl
My beautiful daughter-in-law!
Susan Murphy
Hi, Mama Dietl.
Mama Dietl
It's like a fairy tale. The weatherman and the weatherman's wife. Aww - romantic.
Susan Murphy
Oh, I know. Just think - this time tomorrow, I'm gonna be in Paris! And someday, we won't just be honeymooning there. Derek will become an anchor, or a foreign correspondent, and we'll travel all over the world.
Mama Dietl
Ach, Honey, my fingers are crossed.
[Susan notices Mama Dietl's abnormally small right thumb]
Mama Dietl
One thumb is shorter than the other. It runs in the family.
Susan Murphy
Derek doesn't have that.
Mama Dietl
It skips a generation. Your kids are gonna have it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Gallaxhar
Come on! Come on!
Computer
2... 1...
[pause]
Computer
Hmm, nothing happened. Maybe my count...
[ship explodes]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Gallaxhar
Attention all aliens: Destroy All Monsters!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The Missing Link
Ah, who are we kidding? We could save every city on the planet, and they'd still treat us the same way they've always treated us... like monsters.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
B.O.B.
Oh! My back! Just kidding! I don't have a back! Hahahaha.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Susan Murphy
I can't fight that thing! I never... I can't even...
[gasping]
Susan Murphy
I'm hyperventilating... Does anybody have a giant paper bag?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
At least the garbage was free.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Computer
Begin reanimation sequence.
Gallaxhar
Who dares to wake me?
Computer
Quantonium has been located on a distant planet in the Omega quadrant.
Gallaxhar
The Omega quandrant? Lame.
Computer
The trajectory of the quantonium meteor has been traced to sector 72-4, a planet locally known as Earth.
Gallaxhar
What a miserable-looking mudball. Send a robot probe. Extract the quantonium with extreme prejudice. I want it all. Every last drop.
Computer
Yes, Gallaxhar.
Gallaxhar
Nothing can stand in my way now.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[the resident monsters have just greeted Susan, the new arrival, in their own peculiar way]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are not making a very good first impression.
The Missing Link
At least I'm talking. First new monster in years, we couldn't get, like, a wolfman or a, or a mummy? Just, you know, somebody to play cards with.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[last lines]
The President of the United States
Everyone, let's welcome my new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General W.R. Monger.
General W.R. Monger
Thank you, Mr. President. What a great way, sir, to celebrate my ninetieth birthday.
The President of the United States
Very good, Warren. All right, let's get it started in here. Nerd!
Advisor Wedgie
Gentlemen, I have assembled a preliminary budget estimate for the rebuilding of San Francisco.
The President of the United States
Zoinkers! This is gonna be a boring one. Good time for a cup of Joe. Warren, how do you take it?
General W.R. Monger
Hit me with a double venti organic, chocolate brownie, caramel frappucchino, extra hot with one inch of foam. Non-fat.
The President of the United States
You got it. Black it is.
[he pushes the nuke button by mistake, despite all the advisors shouting at him not to]
General W.R. Monger
My God, man! What have you done?
The President of the United States
Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check on the situation in 500 years. Who wants to freeze my head?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Susan Murphy
Okay, remember, these people aren't used to seeing, um... a-anything like... you, or, or you, or, or you. So just be, you know, cool, just be, you know... Follow my lead.
[Susan accidentally steps on a fence, upon which the monsters destroy the fence]
Susan Murphy
[right before the monsters attempt to destroy a car with fence posts]
Stop! That was an accident. Don't destroy anything!
[B.O.B. throws the fence post away, which destroys something else]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
B.O.B.
Is it just legs? Did we just capture a giant pair of legs?
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Silence, B.O.B! She'll hear us!
B.O.B.
How? Legs don't have ears.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The Missing Link
Wow, look at you. I know what you're thinking: first day in prison, you want to take down the toughest guy in the yard? Well, I'd like to see you try.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The President of the United States
I must approach it alone. This is all about peaceful communication.
[helicopters behind him deploy their missile launchers]
Secret Service Man #1
Yes, sir, Mr. President.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The Missing Link
Finally, some action. I'm gonna turn that oversized tin can into a *really* dented oversized tin can.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Wilson
Mr. President.
The President of the United States
Not now, Wilson. Can't you see I'm busy? How's it coming, French?
[artist makes a painting of the President and says Voila]
The President of the United States
Outstanding! Get that up to the Lincoln Bedroom right away. Put her on the ceiling.
Wilson
Mr. President, the governor of California's demanding an apology for what happened to San Francisco.
The President of the United States
Well, you tell him I'm sorry but that's not gonna happen.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The President of the United States
[deleted scene]
Get Monger on line two. No, line one. You know what? Don't second guess yourself. Line two.
General W.R. Monger
Yes, sir, Mr. President?
The President of the United States
General, hi. Um, we're having a bit of a situation here in the situation room and I'm gonna need you to return those monsters to that secret prison facilities place... thingy. Anybody help me out?
[the rest of the board were hit by darts as they almost say the name]
General W.R. Monger
But Mr. President, you gave me their freedom.
The President of the United States
I'm sorry, General. I hate hurting monsters' feelings as much as the next guy but we need someone to blame and it can't be Smitty. Are we clear, General?
General W.R. Monger
Yes sir, Mr. President. You're clear.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The Missing Link
[deleted scene]
I'm gonna miss you, Insecto. You were the only one who ever really understood me. We could really talk, couldn't we? Not just about chicks and sports and beer... but real stuff. Deep stuff. Stuff that guys don't usually talk about together. And now you're gone.
B.O.B.
What are we gonna do now, Doc?
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
For the first time in my brilliant life, B.O.B., I don't know.
The Missing Link
I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're not gonna let Insecto die in vain. That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get up to that mothership and we're gonna save Susan.
General W.R. Monger
Well, then, monsters, you're gonna need a plan. If we're gonna get aboard that mothership, we need to commandeer that robot. I'll run first, draw them aliens out of there then blast down as many as I can. I'll use scatter fire so I don't have to blast them all at once. When I'm done, I'll need Link to come in and throw down an intimidating shout. Now I need you all to keep 'em scattered. It's important we get 'em down fast. We'll be in big trouble if we don't get this done quick, so you be sure to get in there. Doc, give me a number crunch.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Our chances of survival are exactly 432,765,000... to one.
General W.R. Monger
Well, that's better than usual.
B.O.B.
Alright, time's up! Let's do this! Leeeeroooy Jenkiiins!
[B.O.B. jumps out the window]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Did he just? B.O.B., you idiot!
General W.R. Monger
Come on, let's get in there.
[Gallaxar's clones show up]
B.O.B.
Ah! Doc!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Take this, you microcephalic homogeneous octop...
The Missing Link
This one's for you, Insecto
[he throws the potion and roars. The monsters make it inside a robot]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
You're almost there!
B.O.B.
Come on, general!
General W.R. Monger
Go on, get out of here! I'll hold them off. Come on. Get some.
[shoots his gun upwards]
General W.R. Monger
Whoohoo!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
All right, gentlemen, now what you do... Take those two wires, and you're going to stick them together.
[B.O.B. and Link stuck the wires together and electrocuted Dr. Cockroach]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Derek Dietl
That's hilarious, Jim. That's exactly the kind of down-home country humor I'm gonna miss when I'm in Fresno. This is Derek Dietl, signing off for the very last time. Good night, Modesto!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Derek Dietl
Wow, you really are big.
Susan Murphy
Yeah, but I'm still me. I'm still the same girl you fell in love with.
Derek Dietl
Except you did just destroy the Golden Gate Bridge.
Susan Murphy
Well, but that was the only way I was gonna stop that giant robot. Did you ever think I could do something like that?
Derek Dietl
No, I didn't. I can honestly say that it never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever occurred to me.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Susan Murphy
Look, I-I know this is a little weird. Okay - it's a lot weird. But we'll figure it out. I know that together, we can find a way to get me back to normal.
Derek Dietl
Susan, try and look at this from my perspective. I have an audience that depends on me for news, weather, sports and heart-warming fluff pieces. So you expect me to put all that on hold while you try to undo this thing that happened to you, that I had absolutely nothing to do with?
Susan Murphy
Yes. That's exactly what I expect. What-what about the life that we always talked about? Don't you still want that?
Derek Dietl
Of course. I just... don't see how I can have that with you.
Derek Dietl
Oh, y-you have to faced facts, Susan. And don't crush me for saying this, but I'm not looking to get married and spend the rest of my life in someone else's shadow. And you're casting a pretty big shadow. I'm sorry. It's over. Good luck, Susan.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
I... I don't know.
B.O.B.
You are flipping me out here because you always know and if you don't know, well, that means no one knows. And if you think about that, then who knows? Who knows if we're even here? If we exist? And if you think about that and what you don't know combined with what I do know and what we both don't...
[he gets hit by Dr. Cockroach]
B.O.B.
Thank you, Doc.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Gallaxhar
To the extraction chamber!
Susan Murphy
Look, what is it that you want from me?
Gallaxhar
You have stolen what is rightfully mine.
Susan Murphy
I didn't steal anything from you.
Gallaxhar
Your enormous, grotesque body contains quantonium, the most powerful substance in the universe. Did you really think you could keep it from me?
Susan Murphy
That's what this is all about? You destroyed San Francisco, you, you terrified millions of people? You killed my friend just to get to me?
Gallaxhar
Ya-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka! Silence. Your voice is grating on my ear nubs. It's a shame you won't be around to see what the power of quantonium can do in the tentacles of someone who knows how to use it.
Susan Murphy
I know how to use it, just fine!
[she punches against the force field]
Gallaxhar
Don't bother. That forcefield is impenetra...
[suddenly, Susan punches through the force field and nearly knocks Gallaxhar off his hovercraft]
Gallaxhar
Oh! What the flagnon!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
B.O.B.
You want my friend? You're gonna have to go through me!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Gallaxhar
Even if I wanted to, I couldn't ! That's what happens when you set a ship to self-destruct! Now we're all gonna die! And there's nothing you can do about it, Suuusan.
Susan Murphy
I wouldn't be so sure. And the name is Ginormica.
[fires weapon into radiation container, letting it fall on her]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
