Nutty Professor II: The Klumps Movie Quotes
Dean Richmond
Deals come and go. Wellman will always be Wellman. But you know what bothers me? I walking down the street and this 8-year old boy says, Look Mommy, there's the Hamster's BITCH!
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Papa Klump
You wanna know what's permanent, Sherman? You know what's permanent? I'll tell you. What me and your momma got. That's permanent. That ain't going no place. You know what I mean? I'll tell you, boy, if you find you a woman that loves you, that really really loves you, you gotta hold onto that Sherman.
Sherman Klump
Yeah, it's true, Daddy. Yeah, I know I sure do love Denise.
Papa Klump
Well, then y'all gotta get back together then!
Sherman Klump
Get back together... Daddy, that's it! Get back together!
Papa Klump
Yeah! That's right!
Sherman Klump
If we get back together, then that'll make everything okay!
Papa Klump
Dynamite! Go and call the girl!
Sherman Klump
No, not Denise, I'm talking about Buddy!
Papa Klump
Say what?
Sherman Klump
If me and Buddy get back together, that'll make everything fine between me and Denise!
Papa Klump
Hey, you just took the wrong off-ramp!
Sherman Klump
I can use the youth formula. I'll feed it to Buddy. It'll make him so young. I'll turn him back into Goop. And I ingest it... I eat it! I eat it!
Papa Klump
Huh? Say what now?
Sherman Klump
That's it! Daddy, that'll work! I wouldn't have even thought about that. This is fantastic!
[leaves]
Papa Klump
What are you gonna eat? Sherman!
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[Sherman is serenading Denise with the assistance of a crap Mexican band]
Sherman
Denise will you...
Buddy
Hey Sherman. You hear me Sherman?
Sherman
...Denise will ya? Will ya? Let me come up there and put my beef in your taco?
Mexican band
[singing] Put his beef in your taco!
Denise
What?
Sherman
[Buddy cackles, Sherman's conscious comes back] Oh, no! No, no, no...
[chuckles]
Sherman
That's not what I meant to say, Denise! That was just a little joke! I just wanted to see if you wanted to go out and get some Mexican food. That's why I said that.
Denise
Well I am kind of hungry, but I'm not-...
Sherman
Yeah, you are huh? Yeah, I bet you could stand for a big ol' whopper right now, huh?
Mexican band
[singing] A big ole whopper right now!
Denise's Nosy Neighbor
You're sick!
Sherman
Yeah, I got to tell you, I'm a Jumbo Jack man myself, if you know what I mean. Yeah and I'm loaded with secret sauce! Yeah, come on!
[Sherman does a perverted dance in front of a shocked Denise, and falls to the ground, sexually humping it]
Sherman
Bang that thing up! Yeah, come on! Come on! Make it funky!
Denise's Nosy Neighbor
You're gonna ruin my lawn, you pervert!
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Sherman Klump
Buddy Love, I am SICK, and TIRED, of your S-H...
Sherman Klump
Thank you. T-E!
Buddy Love
Oh, ho-ho-ho. My shite?
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Papa Klump
Viagra don't work for me. I've been taking 'em like M&Ms.
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Sherman Klump
[breaking into the middle of Buddy's demonstration]
Wait, please! I'm sorry to interrupt, ladies and gentlemen! But I cannot go on living unless I have this man inside me right now!
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Papa Klump
What *I* do in *my* bedroom is *MY* business, you understand that?
Grandma Klump
The only thing you do in your bedroom is pull the lint off your scrotum!
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Denise
[nearly faints]
Buddy Love
[catches Denise and picks her up]
No, don't hurt yourself, baby. You are coming with Buddy.
Buddy Love
See you later, Chunky Butt!
[Cackles]
Sherman
No!
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[Sherman and Denis are at a screening of the movie "Cape Fear" and someone in front of them is loudly heckling the movie and smoking a cigar... ala "Cape Fear"]
Denise
What's his problem?
Sherman Klump
I don't know, but enough is enough. Excuse me, sir. Young man, will you please keep it down just a little bit 'cause we're trying to watch...
[the figure stands up and turns around, revealing himself to be Buddy Love]
Buddy Love
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the theaters!
[Sherman is terrified]
Buddy Love
Hello, fat-ass!
[laughs maniacally]
Sherman Klump
[taking Denise by the hand and leading her out of the theater]
Maybe we should get going. I don't feel too good all of a sudden. Let's go. Come on, let's go somewhere else.
Denise
Sherman, who was that?
[Buddy has already beat them to the lobby]
Buddy Love
Sherman! Sherman Klump. You've still been hitting those Happy Meals? You haven't changed an *inch*! You remember me? Buddy Love. We used to chase that girl, Carla, at the same time. You ever hit that?
Buddy Love
"Just friends". I guess that means you didn't hit it, huh?
[turns to Denise with interest]
Buddy Love
Who's your new friend? She sure is fine. Yes, fine. What's your name?
Sherman Klump
Yes, let's go, please.
Buddy Love
Can I talk to Sherman for one second? Then you can have him. One second, please. Excuse us.
[drags Sherman to the side]
Buddy Love
Sherman, how you doing, baby?
Sherman Klump
What do you want here?
Buddy Love
A little respect.
[hugs Sherman]
Buddy Love
You left me all by myself in that test tube without a card or a letter, and now I want a divorce. And this is a community property state, so I want my share.
Sherman Klump
Want your share of what?
[Buddy stops and thinks for a minute and claps his hands in realization, as if the idea has just come to him]
Buddy Love
The youth formula we invented!
Sherman Klump
You mean, the youth formula that *I* invented. Oh, no way, Buddy, no way.
Sherman Klump
I haven't growled.
Buddy Love
You growling at me?
Sherman Klump
I have not growled.
Buddy Love
I was hoping we could do this like gentlemen.
Buddy Love
You gonna make me do something nasty to you, Sherman. I'll do something nasty.
[loudly mocking]
Buddy Love
Sherman! See you soon, Sherman! Sherman! Sherman!
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[the chorus just finished singing 'Happy Day']
Ernie Klump
Happy day, happy day, happy day, my ass.
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Papa Klump
Well, look what rolled in. You know, at first, I thought you was old-ass Raisinet riding on a skateboard.
[Him and Ernie Jr. Snicker]
Granny Klump
I'd like to come over there and choke the life out of you right in front of Jesus.
Papa Klump
[praying to God]
Sweet Lord, give me strength. Don't make me have to whup nobody's ass in this church.
Granny Klump
[praying to God]
Ignore him, Lord. Ignore all his prayers. He ain't nothing, never did nothing. Give him a stroke or something.
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Buddy Love
Forget it fat ass. I ain't going back inside of you.
[woman grabed todder Buddy]
Buddy Love
Mmm. Got milk?
[he pull ripped her shirt]
Buddy Love
Ha! Thank you baby.
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Grandma Klump
Hey Cletus, who dat der piece of bisghetti remind you of? Maybe Mr. Johnson perhaps?
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Preacher
lf anyone has any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now... or forever hold his penis.
Mama Klump
Oh, Sherman!
[Shocked at seeing a bulge growing bigger inside of Sherman's pants]
Papa Klump
That's it, son. Show them what the klumps are made of.
Mama Klump
Sherman!
[Claps her hands]
Mama Klump
put that away!
Granny Klump
Sherman, calm down, baby. Save it for the honeymoon.
[Cackles]
Buddy
[wedding guests scream in horror, Mama Klump faints]
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Papa Klump
[to Old Man Willie]
Would you *please* put your clothes back on? You'll hurt yourself. You look like a roast chicken!
Old Willie
[punches Cletus in the face]
Old Willie
[keeps punching Cletus until causing him to fall into some garbage cans]
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Grandma Klump
Come on Cletus, come on right now! But I'm gonna tell you something, I gotta a razor in this here bag.
Papa Klump
Oh yeah? Well let me tell you something, that ain't even no bag you got in your hand, that's your titty.
Mama Klump
Cletus!
Papa Klump
She's an old bag with old bag tittie.
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Fireman Stripper
Yes ma'am. I'm afraid there is.
Mama Klump
I don't smell no smoke.
[sniffs]
Fireman Stripper
[Walks in and beings playing music from stereo]
There's a fire in my pants, and it's getting muy caliente!
[begins stripping]
Party Guest
Party Guest, Party Guest, Bridesmaid, Denise: Ooh!
[laugh and clap]
Mama Klump
Ooh! Lord, have mercy! A strip - Oh, my! My mother must've arranged this!
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Grandma Klump
Now that's what I call the Muy Caliente El Negro Special!
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Papa Klump
What's wrong with you, woman? Don't you wanna be young?
Mama Klump
No, Cletus, I don't wanna be young! Cletus, we supposed to be who we are and I'm just fine with who I am! But obviously, what you're trying to say is that you're just TIRED of the fat old woman that you got married to!
Papa Klump
Oh no, Anna, that's not what I'm saying! That's ain't what I'm saying at all, Anna - !
Papa Klump
Anna, please! Don't baby, I'm just trying to - !
Mama Klump
I think you better sleep downstairs, Cletus!
Papa Klump
But I...!
Mama Klump
Downstairs, Cletus! I don't want to hear it!
[sobs]
Mama Klump
Oh, Cletus, I'm so disappointed in you!
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Buddy Love
So that's where Sherman's hiding the formula. Klumpville. Chunky town. Big-ass city! Heh heh heh!
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Sherman Klump
[to Denise]
I just want to say I'm sorry. I never... never wanted to hurt you. Understand? I thought that if you knew Buddy was a part of me, I thought that you wouldn't have me then.
Denise
Sherman...
Sherman Klump
Hear me out... I should've had more faith in you. Should've had more faith in myself. But I...
Denise
Sherman? Sherman, what's wrong? Sherman!
Papa Klump
C'mon, can't you hear, son?
[hugs Sherman]
Denise
It's going to be okay, I'll take care of you.
Papa Klump
Come on, let's get the boy home.
Sherman Klump
Nice lady!
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Grandma Klump
Cletus, have you ever heard of the expression 'mercy hump'?
Papa Klump
Say what?
[Chantel laughs loudly]
Grandma Klump
'Cause that's what you've been getting all these years - mercy humps.
Mama Klump
Mama, don't start! Stop it!
Papa Klump
You outta your goddamn mind. Let me tell you something...
[Anna gasps as Cletus grows offended, Chantel stops laughing]
Chantal
Oops, sorry.
Mama Klump
Cletus!
[to Chantal and Grandma]
Mama Klump
Oh, look what you've done! Oh.
Chantal
Oh... I...
Papa Klump
You girls are crazy. I'm leaving. I don't believe it.
[storms out]
Mama Klump
Oh, Cletus, Cletus, wait! Cletus! Oh, Cletus! Cletus, I only told her 'cause she's got so much experience in sexual matters.
Papa Klump
[furiously]
I ain't nothin' but a big damn joke to you, ain't I, Anna! Why don't you tell the whole world: 'my husband ain't nothin' but a big ol' pile of worthless shit'!
[Cletus leaves]
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Denise's Nosy Neighbor
[to Sherman]
Pervert! 'Beef in your taco'!
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Buddy Love
[his last words, climbs a fountain as he is dying]
Alright, tubby... let's see how long you last... without me...
[he evaporates on the side]
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Jason
Professor? You okay?
Sherman Klump
Yeah. I just don't wanna hurt her, Jason.
Jason
Then you won't. Hey, you CAN control Buddy.
Sherman Klump
You know it's funny how you get used to certain things in life. You get used to being overweight. I know I did. You even get used to people making fun of you. Somewhere along the line, I got used to being alone. And I just don't want to be alone anymore.
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Granny Klump
You better eat up Isaac, 'cause you gonna need your strength. Yeah, later on, me and Isaac gonna watch "Mating Season on the Serengeti." Doesn't take a lot to get Isaac going
Papa Klump
Timeout! Let me call a timeout on that
Mama Klump
Lord, my, my.
Papa Klump
I don't want to hear about you old-ass geriatrics.
Granny Klump
Oh, yeah Cletus? Me and Isaac might be dried up geriatrics, but ain't nothing wrong with Isaac'a love tackle.
[Table falls silent]
Ernie Klump
Oh snap, now.
Granny Klump
What's a matter Cletus, cat got your tongue? Did I step on a nerve Cletus? I get ya, got ya, got ya!
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Grandma Klump
The other day I got out the shower and I bend down to reach for a towel, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Shot through my chest and up around my shoulder and down my spine. I thought "Oh, Lord." I thought I was dying. I bent over and looked, and I was standing on my own titty.
Chantal
[cackling]
Mama Klump
You don't need a breast reduction, just be more careful.
Grandma Klump
Both feet too. Both feet.
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Denise
Sherman you're very special to me.
Sherman Klump
[laughs, embarrassed and flattered]
I didn't think you and I would ever, you know... How can I put it? 'Cos I'm...
Denise
Big.
Sherman Klump
Yeah, I was gonna say 'fat,' but 'big' is better.
Denise
Sherman, that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that you're kind and decent. You are the most brilliant man I've ever known. And speaking of which, I shouldn't keep you from your research, so I'll catch up with you later?
Sherman Klump
Okay, I'll see you soon.
[she leaves]
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[Sherman and Dean look at what's left of Buddy by the fountain]
Dean Richmond
What - that's it? He's gone?
[Sherman stutters at a loss for words]
Dean Richmond
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-what? Oh, that's marvelous!
[Sherman continues as they sit by the fountain]
Dean Richmond
The deal is dead you know that. I've been calling you a moron for years, now you're finally...
[he stops realizing he said enough]
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Papa Klump
If I want to put a trumpet in my ass and run around this restaurant and blow, then "Hallelujah!Yankee Doodle!" that's my business!
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Papa Klump
[to Ernie Jr. who just belched in a restaurant]
Hey, look, your grandpa ate a whole plate of beans before we came down here, you don't see me sitting here doing the old butt trumpet, do you?
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Sherman Klump
Um, sir, if it makes you feel any better, Petey is back to normal and feeling just fine.
Dean Richmond
Oh yeah? D'YOU THINK HE'LL CALL?
Sherman Klump
Dean, I just want to tell you, I'm - I'm sorry...
Dean Richmond
STOP... SPEAKING!
Sherman Klump
I just want to go on record as saying that -
[muttering]
Dean Richmond
Shh, shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh. I've been looking forward to saying something to you for years. And here it is: You're FAT!
[chuckles]
Dean Richmond
And dumb...!
[Denise enters the room]
Dean Richmond
...and fired.
[Dean Richmond leaves]
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[Sherman's intelligence continues to deteriorate as he and Dean Richmond chase after the decomposing Buddy]
Dean Richmond
What? What?
Sherman Klump
Don't feel right. Starting to feel a little light-headed.
Dean Richmond
If you quit now, you're gonna be empty-headed! Come on, Klump, let's get him.
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Mama Klump
Oh, is this supposed to be that hard?
Chantal
[holds a mirror]
Yeah, let it set a while. Don't worry if it burns a little bit, that's natural.
Mama Klump
All right. You're the expert, Chantal. Work your magic, girl, because Denise's mother's coming to this bachelorette party and if she's as stunning as Denise, I got to be sparkling.
Chantal
Honey, you gonna blind their asses! When you walk in that door, they gonna think you Tyra Banks!
[Mama Klump and Granny Klump laugh hysterically]
Chantal
Oh, did I tell you the news? Leon got one of them penis pumps.
Granny Klump
Penis pumps? What he do with it?
Chantal
I don't know. It's supposed to pump it up or something.
Mama Klump
Does it work?
Chantal
Just on the tip. Now that thing look like a Portobello Mushroom.
[She and Mama Klump laugh]
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Dean Richmond
Not so fast, pal. I'm not letting you out of my sight until both our names are on that contract. I'm gonna be stuck to you like a giant hampster on my a -... Where you go, I go.
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Buddy Love
Well if it isn't the creator of Jumbo the Horny Hampster!
Dean Richmond
PLEASE!
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Jason
You're losing your intelligence, sir.
Sherman Klump
Yeah, I know. I can't even beat Molly and she's the dumbest hampster we got!
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[Isaac, Granny's boyfriend, walks to the dinner table]
Papa Klump
Well, if it isn't the world's oldest living Negro! Hey how's things going on the Underground Railroad, Isaac?
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Grandma Klump
Does Cletus know I'm strapped?
Papa Klump
Come on, shoot.
Grandma Klump
I'm strapped, nigga!
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Papa Klump
This is some scary shit!
Granny Klump
Yeah, like The Outer Limits.
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Old Willie
[to Cletus]
Get away from my woman.
Claudine
[to Old Willie]
Mind your own business, Willie!
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Mama Klump
[clapping her hands]
Sherman and Denise! Sherman and Denise! Marriage! Marriage! Marriage! Marriage!
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Papa Klump
[after Denise finds out about Buddy Love]
What's going on with you, Sherman and Buddy, some kind of menage a trois or something?
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[repeated line]
Buddy Love
What the hell are you looking at?
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Mama Klump
l always knew he'd find the right girl. Always knew. You see the Indian in her cheekbones ? Ooh ! Sherman, Sherman. Sherman.
[Claps her hands]
Mama Klump
Sherman, Sherman, Sherman. Sherman ! Oh, Lord.
Granny Klump
Shhh.
[whispers]
Granny Klump
Stop acting so stupid.
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[Buddy who is now a blue liquid with his consciousness is stuck on a black woman's rear end; Richmond and Sherman see him]
Dean Richmond
Follow that ass.
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Ernie Klump
[reaches for Denise's food across the buffet table]
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Ernie Klump, Jr.
[while watching Sherman on TV, about Sherman talking weird and stammering]
How come Uncle Sherman's talking funny? He's starting to sound like you, dad.
Ernie Klump
[uncaringly]
What do you mean, sound like me? What's that? Sherman's all the way up the ivory tower all because he went to college. I mean, I would've gone to college too if I took that damned elastic... 'appitude' test.
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[from extended cut]
Granny Klump
[while observing Dean Richmond getting raped by Petey the giant hamster]
That sodomy. That's REAL sodomy.
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[from extended cut]
Granny Klump
[after stripping herself naked in front of Buddy]
Ooh, you got me wetter than a Slip-n-Slide!
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[from extended cut]
Buddy
[after coming out of Sherman's pants, Sherman's nightmare]
Now that boy could use some ASS freshener! HA HA HA HA HA HA!
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