Bridget
Wait a minute... nice boys don't kiss like that.
Mark Darcy
Oh, yes, they fucking do.
🧡
1
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mark Darcy
I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences. I realize when I met you at the Turkey Curry Buffet that I was unforgivably rude and wearing a reindeer jumper that my mother had given me the day before. But the thing is, um... what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact... perhaps despite appearances, I like you. Very much.
Bridget
[scoffs]
Apart from the smoking and the drinking and the vulgar mother... and the verbal diarrhea...
Mark Darcy
No, I like you very much. Just as you are.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. Well, I meant it, but I was so stupid that I didn't mean what I meant... After all, it's only a diary. Everyone knows diaries are just... full of crap.
Mark Darcy
Yes, I know that. I was just buying you a new one.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
Thank you, Daniel, that is very good to know. But if staying here means working within 10 yards of you, frankly, I'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's arse.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mark Darcy
Mother, I do not need a blind date. Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster who drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, and dresses like her mother.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mark Darcy
Bridget!
Bridget
Mark... What are you doing here?
Mark Darcy
I was just wondering if you were available for Bar Mitzvahs and Christenings in addition to Ruby Weddings.
Bridget
I thought you were in America.
Mark Darcy
Well I was... but I realized I had forgotten something here.
Bridget
Which was...?
Mark Darcy
Well, I realized that I had forgotten to... kiss you goodbye, do you mind?
Bridget
Umm... not really, no. So... does this mean you're *not* going to America?
Mark Darcy
No... not.
Bridget
Does this mean you're staying here?
Mark Darcy
It would seem so...
Bridget
Oh, haha... never seen them before in my life.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[From the UK release]
[answering phone]
Bridget
Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs... Mum... Hi.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mark Darcy
I like you, very much.
Bridget
Ah, apart from the smoking and the drinking, the vulgar mother and... ah, the verbal diarrhea.
Mark Darcy
No, I like you very much. Just as you are.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
You once said you liked me just as I am and I just wanted to say likewise. I mean there are stupid things your mum buys you, tonight's another... classic. You're haughty, and you always say the wrong thing in every situation and I seriously believe that you should rethink the length of your sideburns. But, you're a nice man and I like you. If you wanted to pop by some time that might be nice... more than nice.
Mark Darcy
Right, crikey.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
Did I really run round your lawn naked?
Mark Darcy
Oh, yes. You were four and I was eight.
Bridget
Well, that's a pretty big age difference. It's quite pervy really.
Mark Darcy
Yes, I like to think so.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Daniel Cleaver
Come on Bridget, we belong together - you, me, poor little skirt. If I can't make it with you then I can't make it with anyone.
Bridget
That's not a good enough offer for me.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Richard Finch
Why do you wanna work on television?
Bridget
I've got to leave my job because I shagged my boss.
Richard Finch
Fair enough. Start on Monday.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
I owe you an apology about Daniel. He said you ran off with his fiancée and left him brokenhearted.
Mark Darcy
No, it was the other way around. My wife. My heart.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mark Darcy
I should have done this years ago.
Daniel Cleaver
Done what?
Mark Darcy
This.
[Darcy punches Cleaver, hard]
Mark Darcy
This.
[Darcy punches Cleaver again, even harder]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Perpetua
Anyone going to introduce me?
Bridget
[to herself]
Ah. Introduce people with thoughtful details. Perpetua, this is Mark Darcy. Mark is a prematurely middle-aged prick with a cruel raced ex-wife. Perpetua is a fat-ass old bag who spends her time bossing me around.
[to herself]
Bridget
Maybe not.
Perpetua
Anyone going to introduce me?
Bridget
Ah, Perpetua. This is Mark Darcy. Mark is a top barrister. Comes from Grafton Underwood. Perpetua is one of my work colleagues.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mark Darcy
I realize that when I met you at the turkey curry buffet, I was unforgivably rude, and wearing a reindeer jumper.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mark Darcy
All right?
Daniel Cleaver
Enough.
Mark Darcy
Enough, enough.
[Darcy begins to walk away]
Daniel Cleaver
Wanker.
[now having had enough, Darcy punches him hard, knocking Cleaver down]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom
Well done Bridge, four hours of careful cooking and a feast of blue soup, omelette and marmalade. I think that deserves a toast, don't you? To Bridget, who cannot cook, but who we love
[in an undertone]
Tom
just as she is.
Tom
Tom, Shazzer, Jude: To Bridget, just as she is.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Daniel Cleaver
I've been going crazy. I can't stop thinking about you, and thinking about what an idiot I've been. Christ, is that blue soup?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Daniel Cleaver
Now these are very silly little boots, Jones. And this is a very silly little dress. And, um, these are, fuck me, absolutely enormous panties.
Bridget
Jesus. Fuck.
Daniel Cleaver
No, no. Don't apologize. I like them. Hello, Mummy.
[they kiss]
Daniel Cleaver
I'm sorry, I have to have another look. They're too good to be true.
Bridget
No...
Daniel Cleaver
They're nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm wearing something similar myself.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
[to Cosmo and Woney]
Tell me, is it one in four marriages that end in divorce these days, or one in three?
Mark Darcy
One in three.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[regarding the blue soup]
Bridget
How's it look?
Mark
Uh, great. It's, um, blue.
Bridget
Blue?
Mark
No, but, blue is good. If you ask me there isn't enough blue food.
Bridget
Oh, shit! It must be the string.
Mark
Oh, it's string soup?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mark Darcy
All right Cleaver, outside.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Jude
Just as you are? Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts or slightly smaller nose?
Bridget
No.
Shazzer
Well, fuck me.
Tom
This is someone you hate right?
Bridget
Yes, yes, I hate him.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
Are you staying at your parents for New Years?
Mark Darcy
Yes. You?
Bridget
Ah, no. Was at a party in London last night, I'm afraid I'm a bit hungover.
[nervous laugh]
Bridget
Wish I could be home with my head in a toilet like all normal people...
[pause]
Bridget
...ah! New Year's Resolution: drink less... and quit smoking... and quit talking total nonsense to strangers... actually, quit talking, full stop.
[awkward silence]
Mark Darcy
Yes. Well. Perhaps it's time to eat.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Bridget glimpses Mark for the first time]
Bridget
Perhaps this is the mysterious Mr. Right I have been waiting my whole life to meet.
[sees reindeer sweater]
Bridget
Maybe not.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
Look, are you and Cosmo in on this together? Because every time I see you, you seem to go out of your way to make me feel like a *complete* idiot. And you really needn't bother: I already feel like an idiot most of the time anyway - with or without the fireman's pole.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
Daniel, what you just did is actually illegal in several countries.
Daniel Cleaver
That is one of the reasons that I'm so thrilled to be living in Britain today.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
[referring to Darcy's and Cleaver's bad relationship]
That's why you always acted so strangely around him, and beat him to a pulp quite rightly.
[awkward pause]
Bridget
Well done.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
Resolution #1: Uggg - will obviously lose 20 lbs. #2: Always put last night's panties in the laundry basket. Equally important: will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts. Will especially stop fantasizing about a particular person who embodies all these things.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[bursting into a Greek restaurant]
Tom
FIGHT. Come on then, it's a real fight.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Daniel Cleaver
[lands on restaurant table] I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!
Mark Darcy
[places hand in someone's salad] Oh, God! I'm sorry!
[wipes dirty hand on man's suit]
Mark Darcy
I really am sorry. I-I will pay.
Daniel Cleaver
[fed up] Had enough Darcy?
Mark Darcy
[annoyed] Not quite, if that's all right by you.
[punches Daniel hard]
Waiter
Happy birthday to you...
[everyone joins in, stopping fight]
Waiter
Happy birthday to you!
Mark Darcy
Happy birthday dear what's-his-name...
Daniel Cleaver
Happy birthday to you...
[tackles Darcy, both fly out window]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
Apparently, I used to run round naked in his paddling pool.
Daniel Cleaver
I bet you did, you dirty bitch.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom
Come the fuck on, Bridget.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lara
[to Daniel, about Bridget]
I thought you said she was thin.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Shazzer
Introduce people with thoughtful details. Such as: "Sheila, this is Daniel. Daniel, this is Sheila. Sheila enjoys horse-riding and comes from New Zealand. Daniel enjoys publishing and comes..."
Bridget
...all over your face?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Daniel Cleaver
There once was a young woman from Ealing, / Who had a particular feeling. / She lay on her back, / And opened her crack, / And pissed all over the ceiling.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
What are we going to do about this dinner, then?
Mark
We have blue soup to start, orange pudding to end, and, well, for a main course you have, uh, congealed green gunge.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Daniel Cleaver
If you have to travel alone, travel in style.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom
Whose side are we on?
Shazzer
Mark's, of course. He never dumped Bridget for some naked American.
Bridget
But he did shag Daniel's fiancée and left him broken-hearted.
Tom
You're right, it's a tough one to call.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[imitating her line on TV]
Bridget
This is Bridget Jones, with Sit Up Britain, searching for tuna.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
Now, I'll go home and... de-bunny.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mark Darcy
Natasha, this is Bridget Jones. Bridget, this is Natasha. Bridget works in a publishing house and she used to play around naked in my paddling pool.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Natasha
So how autobiographical is your work, Salman?
Salman Rushdie
You know, its an amazing thing, nobody has ever asked me that question.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
Here is the man we like to call Mr., uh,
[to herself]
Bridget
Titspervert. Titspervert.
[to audience]
Bridget
Fitzherbert. Because... that is his name.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[uncut international releases, USA video and dvd releases]
Julian
[to his manicurist]
Careful, you ham-fisted cunt!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[From the trailer]
[answering phone]
Bridget
Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs... Dad... Hi.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mark Darcy
[about Bridget's attempt at caper berry gravy]
I have to say, this really is the most incredible shit.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Shazzer
Look, are you coming to fucking Paris or not?
Bridget
Um, not.
Shazzer
No fucking room, anyway.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
[voiceover]
Resolution number one: obviously, will lose twenty pounds. Number two: will find nice sensible boyfriend and not continue to form romantic attachments to alcoholics, workaholics, peeping-toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Daniel Cleaver
First, have some more wine, and then tell me the story about practicing French kissing with the art girls at school, because it's a very good story.
Bridget
It wasn't French kissing.
Daniel Cleaver
Don't care, make it up. That's an order, Jones.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
So what do you think of the situation in Chechnya?
Daniel Cleaver
I couldn't give a fuck, Jones.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Pam Jones
[to Bridget on 'phone]
I must say the sex is still quite surprising. Do you know just the other day I was just dozing off and I felt this huge...
Bridget
Bye mum.
[replaces receiver]
Bridget
Ugh.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Daniel Cleaver
Fuck me, I love Keats.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
I choose Vodka. And Chaka Khan.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[UK and USA release]
Julian
[to his manicurist]
Careful, you ham-fisted cow!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
My mum, a strange creature from the time when pickles on toothpicks were still the height of sophistication.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Richard Finch
Neville, what the fuck is going on? She's supposed to be sliding down the pole, not climbing up it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
The only thing worse than smug married couple; lots of smug married couples.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Shazzer
Exactly. I mean there's been all these bloody hints and stuff, but has he ever actually stuck his fucking tongue down your fucking throat?
Bridget
No. Not once!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mr. Darcy
I like a woman with an arse you can park a bike in and balance a pint of beer on.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Interviewer
What do you think about the El Nino phenomenon?
Bridget
It's a blip. Latin music's on its way out.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Pam Jones
Up close, he was almost purple.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Pam Jones
[as demonstrator at shopping mall]
Yes... Now how many of you "have it oeuf"... have it oeuf... it's French... All you do is put the egg in here like this... and... up, down, up, down...
[demonstrating]
Pam Jones
...and voila! Ooh, mind the over-spray, dear.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mark Darcy
That's not a sand piper, Bridget, it's a snowy plover.
Bridget
Sand pipers, plovers, albatrosses! Do I look like a bloody entomologist?
Mark Darcy
Ornithologist...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bridget
Have bottom size of Brazil.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Shazzer
Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of 'em. Tell 'em they can stick fucking Leevis up their fucking asses.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[On Bridget]
Natasha
Bizarre what some men find attractive.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
