Night at the Museum Movie Quotes
Easter Island Head
HEY!
[pauses]
Easter Island Head
Dum-dum.
Larry
Yes?
Easter Island Head
You give me gum-gum!
Larry
I give you gum-gum?
Easter Island Head
You new Dum-dum. You give me gum-gum.
Larry
Gee, okay, you know what? I have no gum-gum. Sorry. And my name isn't Dum-dum. My name's Larry.
Easter Island Head
No, your name Dum-dum.
[some people are running away]
Easter Island Head
Oh, you in trouble, Dum-dum. You better run-run. From Attila the Hun-hun.
[Attila yells and chases Larry]
Easter Island Head
See you later, Dum-dum!
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Teddy Roosevelt
I'm made of wax, Larry. What are you made of?
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Jedediah
No problemo, Gigantor.
Larry
Um, my name's Larry, first of all okay, Jed? See, I call you Jed, I don't call you tiny, right?
Jedediah
What's that supposed to mean?
Larry
Hey teeny, how does that sound?
Jedediah
I... I don't like it. It hurts my feelings.
Larry
Okay, well Gigantor makes me feel like some sort of freak.
Octavius
I don't. I just call you Larry.
Larry
Don't be a kiss-ass.
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Teddy Roosevelt
[Dexter slaps Larry in the forehead and Larry raises his clipboard to hit him]
Lawrence!
Larry
You saw - you saw what he did just then...
Larry
I am.
Teddy Roosevelt
Who's evolved?
Larry
I am!
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Teddy Roosevelt
Some men are born great, others have greatness thrust upon them.
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Larry
[speaking to Civil War diorama figures]
Civil war dudes... You guys are brothers, for God's sake... You gotta stop fighting... North wins... Slavery is bad... Sorry... Don't want to burst your bubble but South, you guys get Allman Brothers...
[hesitates]
Larry
...and... Nascar. So just chill!
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Gus
Instructions; you start with 1... 2... 3...
Larry
4?
Gus
Are you crackin' wise? I oughta punch you in the nose, Hopscotch.
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[everyone stops fighting and settles down]
Larry
Thank you.
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Gus
He looks like a weirdy!
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Gus
Sweet dreams, cupcake.
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Larry
Moose! Not gonna happen, buddy. Alright? I told you three times. You can't come through this door with those antlers. So you and your caribou buddy gotta go around to the loading dock.
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[Dexter walks in and climbs up to his tree]
Larry
[Dexter smiles from the tree, holding a set of baby toy keys]
I don't think so. Looks like Uncle Larry pulled a fast one on little Dexy.
[locks up the entrance to the Hall of African Mammals]
Larry
Those are baby keys for a little baby. So have fun playing with your little baby keys, little baby monkey. Maybe tomorrow, I'll bring you a little baby "diapie" so you can go poo-poo in it. Then, I'll change it for you. Then I'll tickle you 'cause you're a cute little baby. Will you cry all night about how Uncle Larry fooled you? Told you there was a storm comin'.
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Larry
All right! Let's do this, people! And... animals! And... weird faceless puppet creatures!
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Larry
I'm trusting you guys, alright? And if you don't do what I say, you'll end up like your little buddies in the Mayan world over there, locked up. Take a look. Do they look happy?
[Shows a display with bars across it]
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Jedediah
Fire up the iron horse, boys.
Larry
Hey, blondie!
Jedediah
Name's Jedadiah.
Larry
Alright, Jedadiah, stop the train, please!
Jedediah
Big no can do, crackerjack.
Larry
What's going on here, huh?
Jedediah
Somebody's got to pay.
Larry
Pay for what?
Jedediah
I don't know, just pay! Now stop whining and just take it like a man!
Larry
Seriously, stop the train!
Jedediah
Alright, stop the train.
Larry
Thank you.
Jedediah
Oh, for crying out loud!
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Gus
Now listen, Lunch Box! Don't try anything funny!
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Gus
Keep a lid on it, butterscotch.
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Gus
Do you want to dance, hot dog?
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Gus
Do you want the job or not, snack shack?
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Larry
End of the line, cool breeze. End of the line.
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Sacajawea
[Trying to track Cecil and examining the tire tracks in the snow]
He went east, but he lost control and crashed.
Larry
You're amazing! How can you tell that?
Sacajawea
[Points behind them where the van has crashed into the wall behind the dumpster]
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Jedadiah
I'm gonna shoot you in your dang eye. In your dadgum eye.
[gun clicks empty]
Larry
Yeah. Keep shootin'. Nothing's gonna happen.
Jedadiah
Now you know my shame. Jedediah's impotent rage. His guns don't fire. Take me away.
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Mr. McPhee
[fake laughing]
Let's all laugh at me, the comedy night guard. No is the answer. Sarcasm back at you, with your humor box. I wasn't laughing. I was pretending to laugh, if that's what you want, some sort of battle of humor. Do you?
Larry
No, I don't want to get into a battle of humor.
Mr. McPhee
No, you don't, because it would be a bloodbath. Nothing funny about Little Big Horn!
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Rebecca
So! What can I tell you about the museum?
Larry
Ok, Attila the Hun: What is that guy's problem?
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[Jed and Octavius are popping Cecil's tires, and they are about to be blown away]
Octavius
Save yourself!
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Gus
Sleep tight, hotshot.
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Teddy Roosevelt
Anything's posible Lawrence. If it can be dreamed, it can be done. Hence the twenty-foot jackal staring right at you.
[Larry starts to look]
Teddy Roosevelt
Don't make eye contact!
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Cecil
[while Larry is chasing Cecil]
These are money carriers. Larry. They were trained not to stop for anything but a secret word.
Larry
Really? You mean a word like...
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Larry
Morning, dum-dum.
Easter Island Head
ME NO DUM-DUM, YOU DUM-DUM! You bring me gum-gum?
Larry
Yes I did, fathead.
[holds up a handful of gum]
Larry
Lots and lots of gum-gum.
Easter Island Head
Mmm!
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Mr. McPhee
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
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Teddy Roosevelt
[after seeing Larry slapping Dexter]
Good Lord, Lawrence! Why are you slapping a monkey?
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Larry
You're an old man, I don't want to fight you.
[Gus punches Larry in the face]
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Don
It sure is chilly. Chilly-chilly-willy... the penguin.
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Reginald
[while trying to escape, Reginald is found by Christopher Columbus and the Neanderthals]
Reginald
Alright, boys. We can do this the easy way,
Reginald
[holds his cane in a threatening manner]
Reginald
or the hard way.
Christopher Columbus
[Columbus brandishes his sword and the Neanderthals raise their giant bones]
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Jedediah
I told you, I don't like to be manhandled!
Larry
No, I will manhandle you, Jedediah! Now listen, guys, what is your problem, huh? Why can't you just get along?
Jedediah
Look, we're men. We fight, okay? That's what we do!
Octavius
It's kinda how we pass the time.
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Mr. McPhee
Control your young!
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Cecil
Don't let anything in or out.
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Jedediah
Wait, no sir, I ain't working with Toga Boy!
Octavius
Romans work alone.
[Jedediah hits him on his foot with his rifle]
Octavius
Ow!
Jedediah
That didn't hurt, don't be a baby.
Jedediah
No it didn't! Come on!
Octavius
[then hits Jedediah's behind with his sword]
Jedediah
Ow! That was much harder!
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Larry
I'm not a giant, guys, alright? You guys are really little.
Octavius
We may be small but our hearts are large... metaphorically speaking.
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Rebecca
And up ahead is one of my favorite creatures in the whole museum: the capuchin monkey, a highly intelligent primate, known for its loving and generous nature.
Larry
Huh!
Rebecca
Excuse me?
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Larry
This is not worth $11.50 an hour!
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[repeated line]
Cecil
Moving on.
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Teddy Roosevelt
Larry, relax! I'm wax!
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Erica Daley
Hey, how's it going with that virtual reality driving range you wanted to open?
Larry
Getting there. Still waiting for the technology to catch up with the idea. I mean it's not easy, there are a lot of moving parts.
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Jedediah
Whoa, Octavius, hold on! This ain't your fight. This here giant's on our land.
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Larry
A little birdie told me somebody likes... magic.
Attila the Hun
Magic?
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Larry
Debbie - can I call you Debbie? 'Cause, um, I felt a connection when I entered this office, and I don't know if you did too.
Debbie
I didn't feel a connection.
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[about Sacajawea]
Larry
Was she deaf? She seems a bit unresponsive.
Rebecca
That's because she's a statue...
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[Larry and Nick have just been saved by the now-released mummy who lurches towards them. He takes the burial wraps off his face to reveal that he is, in fact, a more-than-slightly handsome Egyptian prince]
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Octavius
Unleash hell!
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Octavius
We expand or die!
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Teddy Roosevelt
Stop babbling, boy!
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Jedediah
Just living the Dream, Baby!
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Taxi Driver
Now who they gon' get to clean up all that doo-doo?
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[last lines]
Jedediah
Let's ride.
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Larry
All right! I need everybody to listen up!
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Cecil
Gotta keep it moving, Larry. I'm pretty spry for an old man.
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[first lines]
Taxi Driver
[as Larry walks into the street]
Hey, watch it!
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Larry
So, no big plans tonight?
Rebecca
Yeah, no, I'm not really a big-plan person. I prefer hanging out with people who are dead for 200 years.
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Teddy Roosevelt
Bully!
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[Dexter starts peeing on Larry]
Larry
Ew! Oh! Yuck! Bad monkey! Stop that! Ew, that's not right. Are you done?
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