Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby Movie Quotes
Ricky Bobby
Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said..."I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."
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Opening text
America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed. -Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936
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Ricky Bobby
Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.
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Ricky Bobby
If you ain't first, you're last.
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Lucius Washington
You're not gonna live forever.
Ricky Bobby
No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?
Lucius Washington
No, I don't know what that means. I guess longer life.
Ricky Bobby
No, he didn't live. It's just exciting that we're trying things like that.
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party.
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Ricky Bobby
Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces... newborn infant Jesus, don't even know a word yet.
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Ricky Bobby
[television commercial]
Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then f-*bleep* you.
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Chip
I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are *terrible* boys!
Walker
Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!
Texas Ranger
I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Yeah!
Ricky Bobby
Yeah! Now turn up the heat!
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Go on and get some, boys!
Ricky Bobby
Come on!
Walker
I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!
Texas Ranger
Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Like a spider monkey! Go on!
Ricky Bobby
Chip, you brought this on, man.
Walker
Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk!
Chip
What is wrong with you?
Texas Ranger
Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!
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Ricky Bobby
[running around on the track in his underwear]
Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!
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Ricky Bobby
You sick sons of bitches. I mean you walk in that door, on your two legs... all fat and cocky and lookin' at me in my chair. And you tell me its all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons... Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.
Lucius Washington
[enraged]
Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don't you put that on us! You are NOT paralyzed!
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Texas Ranger
[complaining about doing community service]
When do we get to stop doing this, Grandma?
Lucy Bobby
Well, I don't know, honey. When are you boys going to stop tossing me the radio in the bathtub?
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?
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[on why Ricky should resume his racing career]
Susan
It's because it's what you love, Ricky. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit, thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer. And that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra! And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Ricky. You WIN! And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?
Ricky Bobby
[pauses]
Susan, I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle's wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!
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Ricky Bobby
[after driving in reverse to beat McMurray]
Hey Jamie, losing's never fun, but here's a little something to keep your spirits up!
[Gives him the finger]
Ricky Bobby
It's real nice. I got it at Target. It was on sale.
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Ricky Bobby
This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons.
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[from the unrated version]
Ricky Bobby
Hey. I lost my license. That's why I'm on the bus... I'm delivering pizzas.
Passenger on Bus
Mothafucka, what makes you think I care? Shut the fuck up!
Ricky Bobby
I- I've just telling you that 'cause, like I said, I lost my license. I've just been having a lot of problems lately.
Passenger on Bus
Problems? I don't want to hear about your damn problems! Everybody's got problems! My momma got problems she just lost her leg! My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle! My dog just threw up somebody's finger! That's a problem!
Ricky Bobby
I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
Shake 'n Bake!
[puts hand out]
Ricky Bobby
No, never again.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
You're right. I was like a total dick, man.
Ricky Bobby
From now on, you're the Magic Man and I'm El Diablo.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
What does Diablo mean?
Ricky Bobby
It's like... Spanish for like a fighting chicken.
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Jean Girard
[has Ricky in an arm lock]
I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say..."I... love... crepes."
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run.
Ricky Bobby
I'm not gonna say it.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Good.
Ricky Bobby
Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?
Jean Girard
I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby, but I am a man of my word.
Ricky Bobby
Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini!
[he tries unsuccessfully to get free]
Jean Girard
Whoa! Get down, you little pancake.
Ricky Bobby
Someone might as well get me a beer while I'm down here.
Jean Girard
But you have forced me to do this. You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous. Just say, "I love crepes."
Cal Naughton, Jr.
You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better.
Ricky Bobby
Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Yeah.
Jean Girard
Yes they are. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them.
Ricky Bobby
Oh, my god, I love those.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Put any syrups you want on them. I'm just saying, think about it.
Ricky Bobby
They come with cheese sometimes?
Jean Girard
Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe.
Ricky Bobby
Well, why didn't someone yell that right-right away?
Jean Girard
Do you know what's in the crepe suzette?
Ricky Bobby
Oh, I love the crepe suzette.
Jean Girard
With the sugar and lemon juice...
Ricky Bobby
Yeah, the sugar and the lemon juice. Sure.
Jean Girard
Grand Marnier.
Ricky Bobby
I wo - I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside.
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
There is something I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I... I mean you probably didn't hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho.
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Reese Bobby
[walks into the classroom] Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky.
10-year-old Ricky
Dad!
Reese Bobby
Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?
10-year-old Ricky
Ten years.
Reese Bobby
Ten years? Man, I gotta lay off the peyote.
[puts a cigarette in his mouth]
Schoolteacher
Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.
Reese Bobby
Oh, it's all right, darling, I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist.
Classmates
OOOOHHHH!
Reese Bobby
And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver, is that you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher here.
Schoolteacher
Okay, I think that's enough.
Reese Bobby
Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong because it's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid.
[classmates all cheer]
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Ricky Bobby
How was school today, boys?
Walker
I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.
[Chip is startled]
Ricky Bobby
Sounds like a good day. How 'bout you, TR?
Texas Ranger
The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Bingo.
Ricky Bobby
Nice.
Texas Ranger
She said, "No, you're wrong." I said, "You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.
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[repeated line]
Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby, Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake!
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Ricky Bobby
Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
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Ricky Bobby
You can't have two number ones.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Yeah, 'cause that would be eleven.
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
Shake and bake!
Ricky Bobby
What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!
Jean Girard
Is that a catchphrase or epilepsy?
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Ricky Bobby
Wow. I feel like I'm Highlander!
Ricky Bobby
It's a movie. It won the Academy Award.
Jean Girard
Oh for what?
Ricky Bobby
Best movie ever made.
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Reese Bobby
Now, you show me the DNA test and then maybe I'll, uh... I'll say hello to these swamp rats.
Frank
[from the house next door]
You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent tryin' to sleep!
Reese Bobby
You better shut the hell up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!
Lucy Bobby
Yeah, shut up, Frank!
Walker
Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!
Reese Bobby
Okay, I guess they are my grandkids.
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Lucy Bobby
So how was your day driving with you father?
Ricky Bobby
Well let's see. I got mauled by a cougar, my Crystal Gayle shirt is ruined, and I didn't learn dick about driving. Other than that, it was great.
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PA Announcer
Ladies and gentlemen, that is a new track record. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is a statement of fact, and is in no way a comment on the driver's sexual orientation.
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Ricky Bobby
[television commercial]
Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use... MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR.
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Jean Girard
Bon. So, what if you just said: "I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?
Kyle
That is a fair compromise.
Herschell
Very fair, actually.
Ricky Bobby
No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crêpes!
Kyle
That's actually a pretty good compromise right there.
Jean Girard
Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?
Ricky Bobby
You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?
Cal Naughton, Jr.
[leans down to talk to Ricky in a low voice]
Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Don't say it.
Ricky Bobby
Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepé Le Pew!
Jean Girard
As you wish.
[He breaks Ricky's arm]
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Jean Girard
My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver just like you except I am from Formula Un. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.
Ricky Bobby
I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Did you eat some peanut butter or something?
Ricky Bobby
Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth
Jean Girard
I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French.
Ricky Bobby
You say you're French?
Jean Girard
Oui.
[sounds like 'We']
Ricky Bobby
We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet
Jean Girard
Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?
Ricky Bobby
Chinese food?
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Chinese food.
Jean Girard
That's from China.
Ricky Bobby
Pizza.
Jean Girard
Italy.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Chimichanga.
Jean Girard
Mexico.
Ricky Bobby
Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?
Jean Girard
We invented democracy, existentialism, and the ménage à trois.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Those are three pretty good things.
Ricky Bobby
Hey.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Well that last one's pretty cool.
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Ricky Bobby
I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, "hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?" I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.
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Reese Bobby
Hey shut up you little pot-licker I'll stick you in a microwave!
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Walker
Shut up in here! I'm trying to sleep!
Texas Ranger
One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!
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Larry Dennit, Jr.
That little obscene gesture is going to cost us a bundle.
Ricky Bobby
With all due respect, I didn't realize you'd gotten experimental surgery to get your balls removed.
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Ricky Bobby
OK, I'm really gonna open it up! Woohoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I missed you, Mama Speed! Ricky Bobby's back!
Larry Dennit, Jr.
How fast is he going?
Lucius Washington
26 miles an hour.
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Jean Girard
Now it is time for the matador to dance with the blind shoe-maker!
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Jarvis
Cal, Ricky's passing you.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Do you think Ricky is passing me in my subconscious?
Jarvis
No, he's actually passing you. That's happening right now.
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Ricky Bobby
Wait, Dad. Don't you remember the time you told me "If you ain't first, you're last"?
Reese Bobby
Huh? What are you talking about, Son?
Ricky Bobby
That day at school.
Reese Bobby
Oh hell, Son, I was high that day. That doesn't make any sense at all, you can be second, third, fourth... hell you can even be fifth.
Ricky Bobby
What? I've lived my whole life by that!
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
Did he just say "husband"?
Herschell
Wow... Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate!
Ricky Bobby
The room's startin' to spin real fast... cause of... cause of all the gayness. Cal... I love you.
[Ricky faints]
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Ricky! Ricky! OH GOD!
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
Hey, when you have the stereo and TV on, how do you change the volume on the stereo?
Ricky Bobby
"If you have the stereo on..." Why do you have the stereo on while you're watching TV?
Cal Naughton, Jr.
'Cause I like to party.
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.
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Ricky Bobby
Nobody plays jazz at the Pit Stop!
Jean Girard
Then why is the song on the jukebox?
Bartender
We use it for profiling purposes. We also have the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.
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Chip
[to Ricky Bobby]
Are you just going to let your sons talk to their grandfather like this?
Ricky Bobby
Hell yes I am! They are winners! That is how winners talk!
Carley Bobby
If we wanted two wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!
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Ricky Bobby
If you ain't first, you're last. You know, you know what I'm talking about?
[to television camera]
Ricky Bobby
That there is trademarked, not to be used without written permission of Ricky Bobby, Inc.
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Schoolteacher
Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?
10-year-old Ricky
No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years. But, my mama say he's out racing cars, and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.
[classmates laugh at what Ricky said]
Schoolteacher
Okay, kids, that's enough. Were gonna move on to Brennan.
10-Year-Old Cal
Don't pay them no mind, Ricky.
10-year-old Ricky
Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever.
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Lucy Bobby
Reese, you just passed the hospital!
Reese Bobby
All right, all right, hold on.
Lucy Bobby
Okay, but i think he might be stuck.
Reese Bobby
Grab onto something! Ready? One, two, THREE!
[He slams the brakes and we hear Ricky pop out of Lucy]
Lucy Bobby
It's a baby boy!
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Reese Bobby
There's nothing more frightening then driving with a live goddamn cougar next to you.
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Jean Girard
Aaaaah, Ricky Bobby! Now we shall dance. And yes, it will be a slow jam.
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Waffle House Manager
[it's career day at Ricky's school and a girl is introducing her father]
I'm happy that Waffle House was okay with me coming here to talk to y'all about my day-to-day. And, y'all, that's pretty much, in a shell what it's like to manage a Waffle House. Ma'am, I don't know what else you want me to say to them. And I'm also gonna need to know where your commode's at.
Schoolteacher
Okay, let's give him a round of applause. Thank you.
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Walker
[the boys are running around when they should be in Sunday school]
ANARCHY! ANARCHY!
Texas Ranger
I don't know what that means, but I LOVE it!
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Ricky Bobby
I will not shake your hand, but I will give you this.
[kisses Jean Girard]
Jean Girard
You taste of America.
Ricky Bobby
Thank you.
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Reese Bobby
Yep, I guess things are just about perfect... it's making me feel kind of itchy...
Ricky Bobby
How 'bout we go get kicked out of an Applebee's?
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Ricky Bobby
I'm just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?
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Ricky Bobby
[television commercial]
Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner. And what better gift to give a loved one,
[pulls out a huge camping axe]
Ricky Bobby
than the Jackhawk 9000. Available at Wal-Mart.
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Reese Bobby
I trapped it. I've been keeping it in the bathroom in my motel room.
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Texas Ranger
You look old, Granny are you gonna die today?
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Ricky Bobby
Yep, flying through the air. This is not good.
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Lucius Washington
[to the crew as they are speed-changing a customer's tire]
Guys! No tires! We're not a pit crew anymore, we're a car wash team.
Glenn
Sorry, Lucius. Hard habit to break. Like stalking an ex-girlfriend.
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Ricky Bobby
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my red-hot smokin' wife, Carley.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Mhmm!
Walker
Walker, Texas Ranger: Ow.
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[on Ricky's new 'corporate sponsor']
Susan
"Me" is you. Because it's just you out there. We don't have any corporate sponsors, we don't have any fancy team owners. We have you. And this car, and this cougar, which symbolizes the fear that you have overcome. It's all there for you.
Glenn
Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword that Sir Lancelot used to bring together the Knights of the Round Table, until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen...
[whispers suggestively]
Glenn
... in the biblical sense.
Ricky Bobby
Okay, Glenn. Everything cool that Susan said, you wrecked it.
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Texas Ranger
Old man, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
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Texas Ranger
Someone didn't love you enough when you were little, did they?
Reese Bobby
That's a good call.
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Jean Girard
By the way, I watched the Highlander movie, It was shit!
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Lucius Washington
Okay, we have got to get that car back onto the race track or our sponsors are gonna shit a chicken. Now I'm gonna ask you: do any of you guys wanna go fast?
Ricky Bobby
I wanna go fast!
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Jean Girard
Hakuna Matata, bitches!
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Susan
Hi, I'm his lady. I'm Susan. I painted the car, I... we had sex.
Reese Bobby
Is that right?
Susan
Susan, Ricky Bobby: Yeah.
Reese Bobby
Well, I wish I coulda been there for that.
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Jean Girard
You spilled my macchiato!
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Ricky Bobby
Slingshot: engaged.
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
Remember that time in tenth grade when we got kicked out of class for playing with Matchbox cars? Who's the retard now?
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Ricky Bobby
It felt like I was on a spaceship...
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Ricky Bobby
I came here to tell you one thing: come race time tomorrow, I'm coming for you.
Jean Girard
Do you know why I came to America, Monsieur Bobby?
Ricky Bobby
Health care systems, giant water parks. The same reason anyone comes to America.
Jean Girard
I came here for you to beat me.
Ricky Bobby
What are you talking about?
Jean Girard
My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants: to tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet, but before I can do that...
Ricky Bobby
That's dumb.
Jean Girard
It's not dumb.
Ricky Bobby
It is dumb.
Jean Girard
Why is it dumb?
Ricky Bobby
I don't know.
Jean Girard
But before I can do that I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me.
Ricky Bobby
You saying you're going to lose to me on purpose?
Jean Girard
No.
Ricky Bobby
No?
Jean Girard
NO! I will battle you with the entirety of my heart and you will probably lose. But maybe, just maybe. You might challenge me. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?
Ricky Bobby
Wow I feel like I'm in the Highlander.
Jean Girard
What's the Highlander?
Ricky Bobby
It's a movie.
Jean Girard
Oh any good?
Ricky Bobby
Very good. It won the Academy Award.
Jean Girard
Oh for what?
Ricky Bobby
Best movie ever made. Look I came here to tell you tomorrow I'm coming for you.
Jean Girard
May god be with you Monsieur Bobby. Because although today I am friendly. Tomorrow will be war!
Ricky Bobby
Alright.
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Walker
Granny? How much longer are we gonna have to do this?
[Both boys are wearing reflective vests and picking-up trash along the interstate with poles and bags]
Lucy Bobby
I don't know. How many more times are you gonna toss me the radio while I'm in the bathtub?
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Texas Ranger
Why, if it isn't our mangy, transient grandfather.
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Ricky Bobby
Holy moly, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!
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Ricky Bobby
I get emotional. You guys are workin' so hard, and I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me, precocious and full of wonderment.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley's ta-tas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee it.
Carley Bobby
Thank you, Cal.
Walker
That's real sweet of you, Cal.
Ricky Bobby
Cal, that's a real nice sentiment. That's about one of the nicest things you ever said.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Well, I mean it.
Carley Bobby
Stop it, gonna make me cry.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Comes from the heart.
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Ricky Bobby
Where are you, Pepé Le Bitch?
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Jean Girard
My husband Gregory and I want what any couple wants: to retire to Stockholm and develop a currency for dogs and cats to use.
Ricky Bobby
That's dumb.
Jean Girard
Why is it dumb?
Ricky Bobby
Nah, that's dumb.
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
And I'm Cal Naughton, Jr.
Ricky Bobby
Urging you never to go to Tijuana.
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Texas Ranger
Aw, Grandma, not my prison shank!
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Texas Ranger
[after Reese getting in an argument with an Applebee's waitress]
Please let us not resolve our problems with fighting.
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!
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Jean Girard
Ricky... I watched the Highlander movie. It was shit!
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Susan
[Ricky inadvertently begins autographing Susan's forehead]
"No, it's me, it's me, Susan. Your assistant."
Ricky Bobby
Susan you gotta watch it when I get into autograph mode!
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Reese Bobby
Now, there's nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity. So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath the car and called the boys in blue. Now, the way I figure it, you got about two minutes before they show up and you do 5 to 10. So, what's it going to be? Fear or prison?
Ricky Bobby
Man, what the hell are you talking about?
Reese Bobby
Real simple, son... cops are coming, there's a kilo of Colombian bam-bam under the car. Time to be a man. You got hair on your peaches or what?
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
I had a dream where Jesus was a dirty old bum, and I was about to sock him in the face because, well he's a dirty old bum, but then I thought, there's something special about him...
Ricky Bobby
Because it was Jesus, right...
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Yeah...
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Mike Joy
[after a dramatic crash]
Car comes to rest; upside down in a big cloud of smoke. Ricky Bobby appears to be okay, but that Wonder Bread car is toast.
Larry Dennit, Jr.
[watching the crash]
Wow. Fantasic!
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Oh my God! Ricky!
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Chip
Jesus was a man! He had a beard!
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life.
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Jean Girard
Soon you will know what it is like to be defeated by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote, "The cut worm forgives the plow".
Ricky Bobby
Well, let me just quote the late great Colonel Sanders who said "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken".
Jean Girard
What's that got to do with this?
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
Oh and one last question.
Ricky Bobby
Yeah?
Cal Naughton, Jr.
When you have the stereo on, at the same time as the TV, how do you control the volume on the TV?
Ricky Bobby
Why would you want to watch TV with the stereo on?
Cal Naughton, Jr.
Cause I like to party.
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Reese Bobby
See you when you're grown up.
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Texas Ranger
Hey there, Popeye!
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Glenn
Peaches and Cream!
[while watching Ricky crash]
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[first lines]
Reese Bobby
Hundred and five miles an hour! Can you believe that!
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Herschell
Yeah? Well we invented the missionary position... You're welcome.
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Bill Weber
We'd like to thank you for joining us for NBC's coverage of NASCAR. Coming up next, it's Ice Dancing to the hits of Motown.
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Ricky Bobby
Holding hands with a man makes me terribly uncomfortable.
Jean Girard
It's a sign of friendship in many countries.
Ricky Bobby
Well, not here.
Jean Girard
There is nothing sexual about it. Please don't be worried about the fact that I have an erection. Its has nothing to do with you.
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Jean Girard
Like the frightened baby chipmunk, you are scared by anything that is different.
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[flashback to when Ricky first met Carly - a highly inebriated, possibly underage girl]
Carley Bobby
Hey, driver! Drive *these*! Wahoo!
[she proceeds to lift up her shirt in view of Ricky but not the audience]
Ricky Bobby
Oh... please be 18.
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
You know, I was thinking, though, one time it would be really awesome if, like, you could slingshot me in for a win.
Ricky Bobby
Yeah, but... Okay, but if you won how am I gonna win? Think about it.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
No, I was thinking about it.
Ricky Bobby
I mean, it's not like you're finishing 18th.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
There's nothing wrong with silver.
Ricky Bobby
Nothing wrong with silver at all.
Cal Naughton, Jr.
I'll just bury it down inside.
Ricky Bobby
Bury it deep down in there, and never bring it up again.
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Texas Ranger
Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em!
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
Abracadabra, homes.
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Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Hey Ricky Bobby. Good to see you again.
Ricky Bobby
Thanks, man.
Dale Earnhardt Jr.
You still owe me, like, 30 bucks.
Ricky Bobby
Oh no, man. you said that was a gift.
Dale Earnhardt Jr.
You're a dirty liar!
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Ricky Bobby
I'm embarrassed. I really thought I could feel it.
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Walker
My friends and I skipped school and we filled up a cup of pee and tried to get our neighbor's dog to drink it. But he wouldn't.
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[after crashing Ricky Bobby, and starting to speed to the finish line]
Jamie McMurray
See you! Wouldn't wanna be you!
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Bill Weber
Ricky Bobby in the #62 car is on the move. He's sliding from 26th place to 18th place. Now let's go to John Hannafin, who's in the stands with a country music legend.
John Hannafin
Thank you, Sean. I'm here with one of the greatest country music stars of all-time, Kenny Rogers. Kenny, what do you think of the race so far?
Kenny Rogers
[obviously not Kenny Rogers] It's good, they're going real fast.
Bill Weber
John, that's *not* Kenny Rogers!
John Hannafin
In the song "The Gambler", you sang "You gotta know when to walk away and know when to run." Should Ricky Bobby have stayed away from racing?
Kenny Rogers
Mr. Bobby is very competitive. If he wants to race, he should race.
John Hannafin
Well this is John Hannafin with Kenny Rogers. And now back to you, Bill.
Bill Weber
Well that, of course, was not Kenny Rogers.
Benny Parsons
Not even close!
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Ricky Bobby
Cal, that is a new house! It just has a lot of creaks and moans and groans in it!
[pauses]
Ricky Bobby
Why the hell am I even talking to you anyway?
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Ricky Bobby
Hey! It's me, America!
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
Like the frightened baby chipmunk, you are scared by anything that is different.
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Ricky Bobby
Mr. Dennit, with all due respect... and remember, I'm saying,"with all due respect," that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on.
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Ricky Bobby
[to Susan]
You gotta' win... to get love. Everybody knows that. I mean, that's just life.
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Chip
The field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night.
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Ricky Bobby
Look, with all do respect, and I mean with ALL do respect. That idea ain't worth a velvet paintin' of a dolphin and a whale gettin' on!
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Ricky Bobby
Oh hey, Casey.
Casey Mears
[shakes Ricky's hand] Hey, Ricky.
Ricky Bobby
Good, man.
Casey Mears
I'm gonna wreck you today.
[pause]
Casey Mears
I'm just kidding.
Ricky Bobby
Oh, haha. That' a good one.
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Cal Naughton, Jr.
You just lost your wife, you just lost your job... don't throw out your best friend because of your anger.
Ricky Bobby
That's absolutely ridiculous, man!
Chip
Ricky? Remember: the field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night. Ha, ha, ha, ha...
Cal Naughton, Jr.
That's kinda' creepy, ain't it?
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Ricky Bobby
Hey Greg.
Greg Biffle
[shakes Ricky's hand] Hey. Good to see you back.
Ricky Bobby
Thanks, bud.
Greg Biffle
You're not gonna be runnin' up the road in your underwear again, are ya? Like in Charlotte?
Ricky Bobby
You know what? That hurts, man.
[Greg laughs, then suddenly stops]
Greg Biffle
Good to see you back.
Ricky Bobby
Thanks.
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