Pizza Movie Movie Quotes
Jack
We can say "cunt", but we can't say "cremble sauce"?
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Jack
Well the good news is the drugs work.
Montgomery
Oh do they? None of that felt like a gentle cloud of lavender. I just got molested by Pinocchio's cousin.
Jack
Did that happen? I already repressed that.
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Blake
W-W-We're in a movie? We're in a low budget movie. My character's not written with any nuance at all. I'm a caricature. I, like, only deliver exposition.
Jack
What the fuck was that?
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Lizzy
There are so many condoms in here.
Montgomery
I landed on the condom.
Jack
Hey, make a wish.
Montgomery
I wish I didn't land on the condom.
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Lysander
Remember me? You crushed my wings! You squashed my body! You left me for dead! But you didn't finish the job. From the depths of the dormitory vents, I have returned. My name is Lysander Featherhelm. Lord of the Syracuse Meadows. I serve the one God Montgomery, and I shall have my vengeance! Scorpion kick!
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Ashley
You know, it's funny, I feel like we are always here at the exact same time.
Montgomery
Well, no one's got dirtier undies than me. Not from poop, to be clear. Or cum.
Ashley
So piss?
Montgomery
No, just normal stuff. I'm not weird.
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Jack
It was first semester. I was king of the campus. A.K.A., I was the school mascot. So, per tradition, I held the honor of leading the football team during their annual naked run. Gentlemen! Cheeks out!
Football Coach
Have fun out there. Just remember, stick to the path.
Jack
But I had bigger plans than the path. Everyone hated Professor Quinn, so, I figured they'd love me if I made him spend his entire day getting followed by 50 naked dicks. It was a flawless plan, until the stupid professor went off-campus and ran directly by... a police station, during... Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. Every single player got put on the sex offender registry. That was that. I was doing so well. I was making friends, I was having fun. For once in my life people actually liked me. And then, poof, overnight for no reason they all just turned on me.
Montgomery
Again, not me.
Jack
Again, you don't count.
Lizzy
No, but what do you mean "for no reason"? I-I mean, you broke the rules. You, you were reckless with the football team's dicks.
Jack
I wasn't even think-- I wasn't even thinking about the dicks.
Lizzy
Well, that's my point. Maybe you should have been thinking about their dicks.
Jack
Why are we even talking about dicks? I am the victim here. Tell her, Montgomery.
Montgomery
I mean, maybe you could stand to think a little bit more about other people's dicks.
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Sidney
My name is Sidney Putt. I am 31 years young. I like to dress up as the Grinch in a diaper while sucking down a bunch of helium so I sound like a baby.
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Lizzy
Okay, great, let's go.
Jack
'Scuse me? You are not coming with us. You and Logan, fucking Fart Hitler, just used us as literal toilet paper.
Lizzy
Well I didn't. I just...
Jack
Stood by and watched like a good German? Honestly, that might be worse. Right Montgomery?
Montgomery
I'd actually love if we use a different metaphor.
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Frankie
Happy sailing! Hope you don't get chainsaw-fucked.
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Lysander
I am Lysander Featherhelm. Third of his name. Lord of the Syracuse Meadows. I serve the one God Montgomery, and I shall have my nectar.
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Lysander
Victory, the sweetest nectar. Monty, I'll see you at home.
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Jack
Logan!
Logan
What's up dildos?
Jack
Can we please not do this tonight?
Logan
Relax. I know that we... come in here every weekend, we hold you down, and we fart in your faces for what you did to the football team. But, we have taken some time to reflect, and... we decided to apologize.
Montgomery
Wow. Really?
Logan
No, we came to FART ON YOUR FACES!
Jack
Fuck you! Fuck you!
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