Billy Madison 1995 - Movie Quotes

Principal Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

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Principal Mr. Madison, the Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel forever. Discuss, citing specific examples.

[Billy clears his throat several times]

Billy Madison Uh... Okay. The Industrial Revolution to me is just like a story I know called "The Puppy Who Lost His Way." The world was changing, and the puppy was getting... bigger.

[Later]

Billy Madison So, you see, the puppy was like industry. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy - "society" - knew where to find 'em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But the industry, my friends, that was a revolution.

[Long pause]

Billy Madison Knibb High football rules!

[the crowd erupts into cheers]

Principal Mr. Madison, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Billy Madison Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.

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Billy Madison [to Miss Lippy] Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.

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Dan (Grade 3) Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl...

Billy Madison Pfft. Kid can't even read.

Ernie Cut it out, dude. You're gonna get us in trouble.

Billy Madison T-T-T-TODAY, JUNIOR!

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Frank Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

Billy Madison Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?

Frank '74.

Billy Madison Meg Ryan.

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Bus Driver That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.

Billy Madison No, you don't.

Bus Driver Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her *got it on*. Wooo-eee!

Billy Madison No, they didn't.

Bus Driver No, no, no they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right...? Everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful.

[shouts]

Bus Driver No yelling on the bus!

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3rd Grader How's high school Billy?

Billy Madison High school is great. I mean I'm learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nice. It's great.

3rd Grader Gee, I can't wait till I get to "hike" school.

Billy Madison [grabs 3rd grader's face and whispers] Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.

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Kyle Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants.

Billy Madison Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.

Kyle Really?

Billy Madison YES. You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.

Kyle Hey look, Ernie peed his pants too. Alright!

Tour Guide If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

Billy Madison OOH. That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's go!

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Billy Madison I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.

Juanita If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.

Billy Madison Oh my God. I'll go to school.

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Kid Mortal Kombat, on Sega Genesis, is the best video game ever.

Billy Madison I disagree, it's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.

Kid Donkey Kong sucks.

Billy Madison You know something? YOU SUCK!

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Billy Madison [singing] Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

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Knibb High Principal If there is any attempt for either contestant to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, I am just gonna snap. Do I make myself clear?

Billy Madison Yes, Sir.

Eric Yes, Sir.

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Brian Madison You remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?

Billy Madison Oh no, you didn't.

Brian Madison Rock? "r-o-k"?

Billy Madison Yea, so what's your point?

Brian Madison r-o-C-k!

Billy Madison Ohh! The "C" is silent.

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O'Doyle [Throws the dodgeball at Billy as he walks on to the playground]

Billy Madison [Catches the ball one-handed] Now you're all in big, BIG trouble.

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Billy Madison Hey I'm trying to score points with the teacher today. DON'T SCREW IT UP.

3rd Grader I dare you to touch her boobs.

Billy Madison Touch her boobs? That's assault brotha. You double dare me?

Billy Madison [walks down the bus to the teacher] Uhhh Miss Vaughn, I was wondering how long there's to get there, I need to go to the bathroom.

Veronica Vaughn Not too long now...

[Billy pretends to fall on her, while groping her]

Billy Madison Oh, I'm sorry! Damn bus driver drives like an animal!

Veronica Vaughn That's alright, Billy, why don't you go back and sit now?

[smiling]

Veronica Vaughn I double dare you.

Billy Madison [Stuttering] That... tit... accident...

Veronica Vaughn Go back to your seat now.

Billy Madison ...I... Yes...

[looking embarrassed now]

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Billy Madison [Veronica has taken Billy out of the classroom after making fun of the kid trying to read My sister Fanny] OW! You're tearing my ear off.

[Sits down on chair]

Veronica Vaughn [scolding Billy in the hallway] Making fun of a little kid for trying to read. Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?

Billy Madison I'm sorry I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear.

Veronica Vaughn You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm going to fail you. End of story.

[Goes back into classroom]

Billy Madison I see your lips moving but I can't make out the words. I'm deaf. Oh Veronica Vaughn so hot want to touch the heiney.

[Howls like a wolf]

Billy Madison Arrroooooooo!

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Billy Madison Well, I made the duck blue because I'd never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one.

Miss Lippy Well, I think it's an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade.

Billy Madison Wow, Miss Lippy, that's great. What do you think of that Mr. Blue Duck?

[pretending to be duck]

Billy Madison That's quacktastic.

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Veronica Vaughn So it's um, the last day of third grade, and you have the teacher alone in your tent, what do you want to do?

Billy Madison Well I can think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo...

Veronica Vaughn Really?

Billy Madison ...Live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.

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Billy Madison Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll.

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Billy Madison No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.

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Veronica Vaughn Good morning, class.

Third Grade Class Good morning, Miss Vaughan.

Veronica Vaughn We're going to start today by reading together a short story entitled "My Sister Fanny".

[the class laughs]

Veronica Vaughn Quiet. So let's all open our "Reading Is Fun" books to page sixty nine.

Billy Madison Sixty nine!

[laughs]

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[after putting dog poop in a paper bag and lighting it on fire on Old Man Clemens' porch]

Billy Madison Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates shit.

Frank Shh, here he comes.

Old Man Clemens Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it's one of those flaming bags again.

Barbara Don't put it out with your boots, Ted.

Old Man Clemens Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one's outta control.

[Old Man Clemens steps on the bag, then lifts up his boot and smells]

Old Man Clemens Eck, poop again.

Billy Madison He called the shit "poop".

[Billy, Jack, and Frank laugh hysterically]

Frank This is the best night of my life.

[They continue laughing]

Old Man Clemens I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die.

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Eric So he's passed first grade and moved on to second. whooptieto. Any more information, Rollo?

Rollo the Janitor Uh...

[takes out crumpled note]

Rollo the Janitor Billy likes to drink soda. Miss Lippy's car is green.

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Brian Madison Oh Billy, Billy boy, when are you going to find whatever it is you are looking for?

Billy Madison [the camera cuts to the street, where Billy and his friends find a piece of shit] Here's a nice piece of shit!

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Billy Madison Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.

[Notices gold swan on edge of tub]

Billy Madison Stop looking at me, swan.

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Lunch Lady Have some more sloppy joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.

Billy Madison Lady, you're scaring us.

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Billy Madison [shouting] Where's my snack pack?

Juanita You got a banana, you don't need no snack pack.

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Tenth Grader [after Billy pushes Eric and Eric falls over] Oh, gross... did you see that guys balls?

Tenth Grader Yeah... they were weird looking.

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Brian Madison Billy, could you step in here a moment? I have big news.

Billy Madison ERIC IS PREGNANT?

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Danny McGrath [On the phone] Hello?

Billy Madison Hello? Is this Danny? Danny McGrath?

Danny McGrath Yeah.

Billy Madison The Danny McGrath who graduated from Knibb Highschool in 1984?

Danny McGrath Yeah, who's this?

Billy Madison Umm... this is Billy Madison. You probably don't remember me but I went to high school with you. And I, um, kinda gave you a hard time back then, and, uh, I did some things I thought were funny at the time, and realized they were just mean and stupid. And I just called to apologize and hope you forgive me.

Danny McGrath [Nonchalant] Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it, it's no problem.

Billy Madison Wow, that's great! Well, I am sorry, and maybe we can get together sometime and have some coffee.

Danny McGrath Yeah, sure. I'd like that.

Billy Madison [Relieved] Okay, great! I'll see you around.

Danny McGrath Okay. Bye.

[Danny reaches down, grabs a marker and uses it to cross Billy's name off of a list on his wall titled, "PEOPLE TO KILL". Once done, he puts on a large amount of bright red lipstick, sighs in relief and sits back to listen to his music]

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Brian Madison You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...

Billy Madison Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank.

[Lifts his shirt to show "FRANK" written on the inside]

Brian Madison Yea, well whatever, it's all my fault. I made a mistake.

[Looks up to see Billy lifting his shirt]

Brian Madison What? Are you some damned moron?

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Kyle Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver.

[Dan throw's sandwhich at the bus driver]

Bus Driver HEY!

Veronica Vaughn Hey who threw that?

Bus Driver I'll turn this damn bus around! That'll end your precious field trip pretty damn quick huh! Little shit!

[quivers lips up and down while face gets red]

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Scotty Logan Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis is the best video game ever.

Billy Madison I disagree. Mortal Kombat is a good game but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.

Scotty Logan Donkey Kong sucks!

Billy Madison You know something? You suck!

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Billy Madison I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh?

[the little kid smiles and nods]

Billy Madison Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana?

[the little kid smiles and shakes his head]

Billy Madison You know how badly I could beat you, right?

[the kid keeps smiling and nods]

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Veronica Vaughn [to Billy] No milk will ever be our milk.

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Carl I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.

Eric Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.

Carl I'm sorry.

Eric Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Carl?

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[first lines]

Billy Madison [sings] # Suntan lotion is good for me. / You protect me, hee-hee-hee. #

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Scotty Logan Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class. I heard he's retarded or something.

[Billy laughs]

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Billy Madison [to his Father] I think Crazy Carl is right.

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Billy Madison Hey, Carl. What's up?

Carl Nothing much, Billy. I see you got a little sun today.

Billy Madison You think so? I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours.

Eric Did you fall asleep or did you pass out?

Billy Madison [sarcastic laughter] Shut up!

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Veronica Vaughn So what's it like, being back in school?

Billy Madison I don't know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.

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Juanita Ooh that boy's a fine piece of work all right. He's a fine piece of ass though, too.

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Frank [to Billy] When I graduated first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.

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Billy Madison You know I like Snack Pack. Why can't you just give me a Snack Pack?

Juanita I thought I was your snack pack.

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Billy Madison [after Danny shoots Eric] Man, I'm glad I called that guy.

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Billy Madison How 'bout you Sideburns? You want some of this milk?

Rollo the Janitor I'd rather have a beer.

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Veronica Vaughn [singing]

[to Billy]

Veronica Vaughn Don't I have a nice rack?

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Billy Madison Bunt. B-U-N-T, in perfect cursive. Any more brain busters?

Veronica Vaughn "Rizzuto"?

[Billy ponders, then writes]

Veronica Vaughn Rirruto?

Billy Madison Those're Z's.

Veronica Vaughn They look like R's to me.

Billy Madison That's not fair! Rizzuto's not a word! He's a baseball player! You're cheating!

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Billy Madison [on the blackboard] Eric drinks his own pee.

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[Max meets Eric in the kitchen asking him where the bathroom is, then shows him a magazine with a cover of Max dressed in a wrestling outfit]

Eric Hey, tubby, how about a little bathroom reading? I have the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World here. There's a terrific article about a wrestler named the Revolting Blob. Gee, you know somethin'? He kinda looks like someone I know.

Principal Max Anderson Where'd you get that?

Eric I have a subscription. Bad guy. He threw one opponent out of the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens. Boy, this wacko looks familiar.

Principal Max Anderson What do I care about some stupid phony wrestling guy?

Eric My God! In June 1983 he sat on some guy's head and killed him.

Principal Max Anderson It was just a stunt! He was supposed to pinch my leg if he was running short of air.

Eric With this guy sitting on everyone's head, I wonder how he got his teaching degree.

Principal Max Anderson No! No, you can't do that to me. Those kids are my whole life!

Eric So you wouldn't want anything to happen that would make 'em think less of you?

[then Max ignores Eric]

Eric Max, are you ready to cooperate with me?

Principal Max Anderson [sobs] Yes.

Eric Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine!

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Veronica Vaughn [singing] Don't I have a nice rack?

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[Yelling in the bus, together, repeatedly]

O'Doyle O'Doyle rules!

O'Doyle (Grade 12) O'Doyle rules!

O'Doyle (Grade 3) O'Doyle rules!

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Billy Madison You BLEW IT!

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Frank I think Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo or something.

Jack Hey, maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco.

Frank Polo. Jeez, that was a great game.

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Clown Hey, kids, it's me. I bet you thought that I was dead. But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head. HA HA HA.

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Teacher Spell "couch".

Little girl Couch. C-O-W...

Billy Madison No!

Teacher [to little girl] No, I'm sorry, that's not right.

[to Billy]

Teacher Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly you pass second grade.

Billy Madison Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?

Teacher No I'm not goin to the mall, keep spelling, mister.

Billy Madison C-O-U-C-H!

Teacher Correct!

Billy Madison I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!

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Veronica Vaughn You know some people have no will power, no ambition. They just drift through life like lumps of crap.

Jack [lying on the floor hungover] What is she talking about?

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Freshman [to Billy] Are you in 'Loser Denial'?

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Billy Madison You fallin' in love with the wall or somethin?

Ernie I had an accident.

Billy Madison You had an accident? What's that supposed to mean - GOO!

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Dog on TV Speak for yourself, Moron!

Billy Madison Ha ha ha, oh my GOD that is funny!

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[Billy Madison is having big party for passing 2nd grade]

Eric [very stressed out] Is he going to have a stupid party every time he passes a grade?

Carl You know, everyone's having a good time but you.

[a girl is now trying to reach into Eric's suit jacket]

Eric [shoeing her away] Spoiled snot. Get outta here!

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Billy Madison [deleted scene]

[running out of the house with Veronica and Juanita chasing him]

Billy Madison No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! I'm done studying! I'm done studying! I'm done studying!

[hides, crouched, near a tree]

Billy Madison [Veronica and Juanita catch up] Billy's not here. I'm a dog.

[makes growling noises]

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Tour Guide [to the Third Grade Class] What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?

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O'Doyle (Grade 12) O'Doyle rules.

Billy Madison O'Doyle, I've got a feeling your whole family's going down.

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Billy Madison Okay, alright... Alright, you got it. First Grade through Twelfth Grade all over again. I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the test, re-graduate, prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels.

Brian Madison That's some idea. You just think of that?

Billy Madison Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh?

Eric Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels and its sixty one thousand employees is too important to gamble on a game like this?

Brian Madison No.

[to Billy]

Brian Madison You're on.

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Veronica Vaughn Don't you think it's a little pathetic that just because of who your is Father, you get to do school all over again?

Brian Madison Yes, I do.

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Veronica Vaughn Norman invasion of England.

Billy Madison 1066.

Veronica Vaughn That is correct. The Magna Carta.

Billy Madison 1215.

Veronica Vaughn Yes. Spanish Armada.

Billy Madison 1466. '67. 1469. 1514. 1981? 1986? Please do not do that. Come on, I swear... Just hang in there one second. Please, God, give me the answer!

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[last lines]

Veronica Vaughn [to Billy] You think he's horny? Come here.

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Billy Madison [to Eric] You broke my heart.

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Brian Madison [as he turns around while sitting down] What a mess. First this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it, and now Eric's secretary is in a coma. Carl, has anybody been able to find out anything about this Max guy?

Carl No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is.

Eric I believed in Billy all along, sir.

Billy Madison [to Eric] Oh, cut the horseshit! I know you blackmailed Max.

Brian Madison Take it easy, Billy. Things were going along great until this wrestling freak messed things up. Billy should get another shot at high school.

Eric Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the two weeks or I get the company. He didn't finish ninth grade.

Carl Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances.

Eric Extenuating, "exschmenuating". We had a deal. A signed, written deal. Each grade, two weeks, or I get the company.

Brian Madison Well, technically you're right, but...

Eric [before Brian could continue talking, Eric interrupts him] Oh, shut up, Brian. I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. "Well, technically..." Blah, blah, blah! Just shut up! So, are you ready to hand the company over to me now?

Brian Madison No.

Eric Then, I'll see your ass in court.

Brian Madison Good.

Eric [to Brian, Billy and Carl] Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads.

[then Eric laughs and attemps to leave Brain's office]

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Billy Madison Just DO IT!

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Billy Madison Alright, boys night out! Let's go!

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Billy Madison You want some more of that? I didn't think so!

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Billy Madison Suntan lotion is good for me. You protect me; tee hee hee. Oh the sun tries to burn me but you won't let it - will ya? Ultraviolet rays bad. Lotion good.

[Pttt]

Billy Madison [Pttt] Smiley.

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Miss Lippy I want you all to meet a new friend Billy. Can everyone say hello to Billy?

First Grade Class Hello, Billy.

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Kid You got a misshaped head.

Billy Madison Thank you.

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Billy Madison [drunk, he sees a fake a penguin] It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around here. I gotta send him back to the South Pole.

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Tour Guide [to Veronica] I'll tell you who it was, it was that damned Sasquatch.

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Frank Hey, you wanna go feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?

Billy Madison Maybe later.

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Carl Billy is not an idiot.

Eric I'm not saying he's an idiot. I just think he might not be mature enough to run a Fortune Five Hundred company.

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Billy Madison Give me one more chance, I'll prove I can take over. I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back to high school and take the exams again, and I'll get the diploma all by myself.

Brian Madison Billy, Billy, it wasn't just high school.

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[from a deleted scene]

Eric [singing; referring to Max] That's right, you goofy slob, I blackmailed you and I cheated. Madison Hotels will soon be mine. Pecan pie is best served heated.

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Billy Madison Oh, I CAN... and i WILL!

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Billy Madison Movie Quotes