Big Fat Liar Movie Quotes
Jaleel White
Wolf, how many times have I told you not to call me Urkel! My name is Jaleel White. Urkel was a charecter I played when I was a child.
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Frank Jackson
[Frank has busted Kaylee and Jason]
I got some R-rated dialogue, but I'm gonna keep it PG. I'm gonna keep it PG!
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Tow truck driver
They told me to pick up a little blue car. They didn't say anything about a little blue man!
[laughs]
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Monty Kirkham
Good Morning. Marty Wolf Pictures. This is Monty.
Kaylee
Monty! Charisma from Marcus Duncan's office. I'm temping for a second assistant. I am so psyched your there, cookie. So I was watching "Charmed" on the WB last night and just as Alyssa Milano was about to put a spell on her cute demon boyfriend I had the biggest panic attack that I forgot to give you Duncan's new address!
Monty Kirkham
Really, I didn't know he moved. That was quick.
Kaylee
Oh Yeah, in a big way! He bought like THE sickest pad in the 90210. I'm talking mondo bucks! Hahaha! Anywho, tell Mr. Wolf Duncan lives at 867 North Maple Drive. Hahaha!
Monty Kirkham
Thanks, got it.
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Marty Wolf
You can take it from me, the truth, it's overated.
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Dustin 'Dusty' Wong
I told you, Wolf. The only way to shoot this scene is from 12 different camera angles, with birds flying around. By the by, Confucius say, "Kastang! You're busted!" Rock and Roll, Baby!
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Kaylee
I wanna see a broken man people. I mean broken as in 'I hit a baseball through the window' broken. I want you to turn him into mince meat, and I don't even know what mince meat is! I want him to cry for his mommy! Wah!, Wah! mommy, mommy, mommy! Do you read me 'cause I don't think you read me?
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Marty Wolf
You can take your personal day in a year or two when you're dead!
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Jason Sheperd
As much as I wanted to write my paper, I mean I really really wanted to write my paper I couldn't and it's because I spent all last night in Greenbury General Emergancy room. See, my mom made Swedish meatballs for dinner. It'd my dad's favorite and he was so excited he accidently swallowed one whole. It was awful. He started choking, his face turned purple.The meatball was litterly bulging out of his neck. We rushed to the ER. I kept trying to write my paper in the waiting room but it was too hard. I needed to be by my father's side. After all he's the only dad I got.
Mrs. Phyllis Caldwell
You are lying through your teeth, you little demon.
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Kaylee
What's with the Cokes?
Jason Sheperd
The machine! It's rigged! They're free! Haha, they're free!
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Grandma Pearl
Who's there? I got a gun!
Grandma Pearl
Kaylee? You can't be Kaylee. My, you've gotten so tall, and muscular.
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Jason Sheperd
Remember me? I wrote "Big Fat Liar".
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Mrs. Phyllis Caldwell
You have two choices: summer school or... summer school.
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Marty Wolf
Okay, listen up. This is where you went wrong. You should've forged a doctor's note, changed your dad to your sister, and the meatball to a chicken leg. Trust me, it's much easier to swallow if you GMD which means get my drift.
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Jaleel White
I already told you, I know a shortcut!
Marty Wolf
In the *desert*? Stop this car, I'm getting out!
Jaleel White
It's your call, baby. Do what you gotta do
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Jason Sheperd
Mrs. Caldwell... Can I call you Phyllis?
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Tow truck driver
They told me to pick up a little blue car. They didn't say anything about a little blue man.
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Marty Wolf
[Picks up his stuffed monkey while listening to "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran]
Let's dance, Funnybones!
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Jason Sheperd
Wouldn't it be a problem since the headset is superglued to your ear!
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Jason Sheperd
[writing his story]
Kenny Trooper was the world's biggest liar. / They say a little lie can grow bigger and bigger. / One man will pay the price. / People everywhere stopped and stared at the big fat liar.
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Kaylee
[trying to explain The Catcher in the Rye to Bret]
He's not literally a catcher eating rye bread, it's more of a metaphor for a state of adolescent angst.
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Jason Sheperd
My name's Jason.
Marty Wolf
And it always will be.
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Harry Shepherd
Jason, you awake?
Jason Sheperd
Yeah, Dad, been up for hours. Just getting dressed.
Harry Shepherd
Did you finish that paper for English class?
Jason Sheperd
Yeah, Dad, did it last night.
Carol Shepherd
Jas, did you eat your oatmeal.
Jason Sheperd
Yeah, thanks Mom, it was delicious.
[takes the plate and gives it to his dog under the table]
Jason Sheperd
Here you go, Trooper.
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Kaylee
[while Jason tries to pack her bag but she unpacks it] I can't just go to Los Angeles.
Jason Sheperd
And I can't go through my life having my parents think I'm a liar.
Kaylee
But you are a liar.
Jason Sheperd
In general that's true. But this time I'm telling the truth. I wrote that paper, Kaylee. And I'm not gonna rest until Wolf admits he stole it and my parents know it.
Kaylee
What are we supposed to do? Walk across the country?
Jason Sheperd
[shows Kaylee a wad of money] 3 years of yard work and babysitting money. Our flight leaves in 2 hours.
Kaylee
What about my grandma Pearl? I'm staying at her house while my parents are away.
Jason Sheperd
That woman doesn't even know what year it is. You said you wanted an adventure. We'll go to LA, I'll get my paper, and we'll be back before the long weekend is over.
Kaylee
My grandma will notice if I don't show up at all.
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Astrid Barker
I'm coming, ok? Keep breathing! Think of a happy place!
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[Talking to Jason]
Rudy
Peace out little 'G'
[Driving away]
Rudy
Boo ya!
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Marty Wolf
[speaking to Vince about the stunt]
It was good, but I think I liked it better the first time I saw it... in 1942, you dinosaur!
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[Jason watches Marty being interviewed on TV about "Big Fat Liar"]
Marty Wolf
Some ideas you struggle and struggle with but with the great ones, well, they just come to you.
Jason Sheperd
Yeah, from my backpack, you loser!
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Astrid Barker
[finds Kaylee at her desk]
Uh, hi.
Kaylee
Hi, Astrid. Adam Sandler called to set up a lunch. I sent some flowers to Meg Ryan 'cause she sounded like she had a little cold. Oh, and I scheduled a deep massage for you at 3:00. You look like you could use a little you time.
[Kaylee boops Astrid's nose and leaves]
Kaylee
'Kay.
Astrid Barker
[stares after Kaylee]
Thank you, kind stranger.
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[repeated line]
Marcus Duncan
It's over.
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Harry Shepherd
[boarding the taxi with Carol]
Have a nice weekend, kids.
Janie Shepherd
We will.
Carol Shepherd
See you on Sunday. Have fun.
Harry Shepherd
Look out for your brother, Janie.
Janie Shepherd
Bye, Daddy.
Harry Shepherd
Bye-bye.
Carol Shepherd
We'll miss you guys.
[Jason and Janie wave goodbye to their parents as the taxi drives them out of their house, then Rudy pulls his car over as he was hopping out]
Janie Shepherd
Later. I'm going over to Rudy's.
Jason Sheperd
Rudy?
Rudy
Yo, what's up, dawg? How you living, yo? It's crackin', kid!
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Marty Wolf
[Having had his skin and hair dyed by Jason and Kaylee, Marty walks out of his house. His cell phone rings.] What?
Monty Kirkham
It's Monty. I'm glad I caught you. Duncan moved.
Marty Wolf
You're gonna have to cancel the meeting and get one of the makeup chicks to meet me at the office. This is an emergency.
Monty Kirkham
No, no. You cannot cancel the meeting. If Duncan doesn't approve the new budget, we can't start shooting tomorrow.
Marty Wolf
[laughs] I don't think you understand, Monty.
[he gets into his car]
Marty Wolf
I'm blue.
Monty Kirkham
Oh, come on now. We all have our off days.
Marty Wolf
[laughs again] No, I mean I'm literally... and I've got orange...
[to himself]
Marty Wolf
Come on Wolf Man.
[to Monty]
Marty Wolf
Okay, forget it, forget it. Give me his address. I'll figure something out.
Monty Kirkham
867 North Maple.
Marty Wolf
Copy that.
[he starts his engine, then drives away]
Marty Wolf
Did you come up with an ending for the script yet.
Monty Kirkham
Well, I'm working on it. I'm headed across the lot right now to do some research. But I could use a little help, Marty.
Marty Wolf
Monty, I am writing and producing a major motion picture. I don't have time to work on the script. That's your job. Now stop wasting time and get to work! I'm 24 hours away from the most important shoot of my career! Wolf out!
[he hangs up. He tries to remove the earpiece from his ear, but can't. He winces in pain.]
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Jason Sheperd
[while shopping around the movie prop warehouse for items to prank Marty] Today we learned we're officially dealing with the meanest man alive! All right, colored dye.
Kaylee
Check.
Jason Sheperd
Mega glue.
Kaylee
Check.
Kaylee
[sees an ET puppet] Oh my God. Grandma Pearl. Bret must be in a living hell right now.
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Preview Narrator
In a time... when a little lie... can grow bigger... and bigger, one man will pay the price. Next summer, people everywhere... will stop and stare. Marty Wolf Pictures presents... Kenny Trooper, the Big Fat Liar.
Kaylee
What do you think? Wanna see it?
Jason Sheperd
See it? I think I wrote it.
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