Emily Middleton
Just use the map, Mom!
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Roger Simmons
Feel free to drink from any puddle you see. All water in the jungle is safe.
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Emily Middleton
Oh, not you. It was me. Can you kind of beat it? Cause you're a distraction.
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James
Your tit's out.
James
No, your tit is actually emerged.
James
Oh, no. Yeah, absolutely.
[Emily tucked her breast back into her dress]
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Linda Middleton
When Dad left, I thought I would never have sex again. And I was right.
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Linda Middleton
Why did I ever let you talk to me into this?
Emily Middleton
I should have just listened to you... I love you.
Linda Middleton
This is great, but we've really got to get out of here, you know.
Emily Middleton
Yeah, we need to get out of here, okay.
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Emily Middleton
Let's go out tonight. Hair, makeup, boobs... we're going out!
Linda Middleton
Emily, I am not going out at night.
Emily Middleton
Everything shouldn't be so scary.
Ruth
Oh, it damn well should. One in four tourists are kidnapped.
Emily Middleton
Not true.
Ruth
One, two, three... Somebody's missing.
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Emily Middleton
You look like a bee keeper.
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Linda Middleton
For 18 years your mother is the most important person to you in your entire life. And then... and then... One day poof! You're gone. And then what are you supposed to do. Like, just adjust? Just like that?
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Emily Middleton
I really need it. I just want to, like, sip a Mai Tai and, like, smoke a J. And then just kinda, like, start having red wine at night. And then Scotch. And if somebody's like, "Have you ever done ayahuasca?" I'll be like, "No, is it safe?" And then I'll try it. I don't care.
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Emily Middleton
Look. This is the thing. Where I'm going, there's gonna be a ton of...
Emily Middleton
Inspiration.
Michael
Pussy.
Emily Middleton
Inspiration?
Michael
No, pussy.
Emily Middleton
I keep talking over you, but it's sounding like you're saying...
Michael
Pussy.
Emily Middleton
I heard it that time.
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Emily Middleton
You know who you have the haircut of?
Jeffrey Middleton
Who's that?
Emily Middleton
Harry Potter.
Jeffrey Middleton
Harry Potter - is - the greatest of all the wizards. He's a hero - and a great role model. So, I'll take it as a compliment.
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Emily Middleton
You're so gay for Mom.
Jeffrey Middleton
I'm not gay for Mom.
Emily Middleton
You're gay for Mom!
Jeffrey Middleton
She's a woman. She has a vagina.
Emily Middleton
You suck Mom's dick.
Linda Middleton
Ewwww!
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Emily Middleton
You always say music inspires you.
Michael
*Pussy* inspires me.
Emily Middleton
I have a pussy.
Michael
You have one pussy. But there's gonna be, like, hundreds of other pussies.
Emily Middleton
What about just my pussy, hundreds of times?
Michael
That's not as inspiring.
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Emily Middleton
Help me put the "fun" in non-refundable.
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Linda Middleton
Oh, everybody knows you need two years to plan a vacation.
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Ruth
Remember, never have more drinks than you have tits. Two tits, two drinks.
Emily Middleton
I know how many tits I have.
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Emily Middleton
They took my phone. Oh, my God, they took my phone!
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Tattooed Kidnapper
What's your PIN number?
Emily Middleton
One.
[pause]
Emily Middleton
Two.
[pause]
Emily Middleton
Three.
[pause]
Emily Middleton
Four.
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Emily Middleton
I don't know any Spanish. I only know one word. What they called me at my job at the restaurant. Puta! Which I don't know what it means. "Princess" or "pretty" or...
Morgado
It means "whore."
Emily Middleton
That checks out.
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Pickup Truck Driver
Okay, here's how you can help. Pull out a pen and a piece of paper.
Jeffrey Middleton
Okay.
Pickup Truck Driver
And write down, "If you feel the urge to call again - resist it."
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Emily Middleton
We really need to get to the US consulate in Bogota as soon as possible, kind of, so if you know the easiest way?
Roger Simmons
The easy way?
[bar patrons laugh and Roger joins; he lifts his drink and turns around to see the patrons having their own conversation]
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Linda Middleton
I have a real phobia about this.
Emily Middleton
Of what? Being locked in a car trunk? Yeah, I think everybody's got that one, Mom.
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Jeffrey Middleton
I'll translate.
Morgan Russell
You speak Spanish?
Jeffrey Middleton
I speak Dothraki. I speak Klingon.
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Ruth
You should know that Barb spent her life in Special Ops. Not that bullshit regular ops. She's retired now so she doesn't have her toolkit. But she was able to improvise a few things. Which, I'm pretty sure, will all be applied to your dick hole area.
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Emily Middleton
Yeah. And, like, why Ecuador? Well, because we didn't want to go somewhere touristy. You know, we're not just, like, a couple of white assholes. No offense.
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Lew
You know what? You're fired!
Emily Middleton
What?
Lew
I'm done.
Emily Middleton
No, no, no. I - I - I need this job. Can you just think about this? Because, look at the other employees. Like, what about this bitch? I've never seen her do shit. You don't do shit here!
Lew
She doesn't work here!
Emily Middleton
Oh, okay. Hi. Thank you so much for coming in.
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Jeffrey Middleton
You got shot through the heart. Okay, Michael's gone. And it sucks. Because you know what? He was the best you'll ever do.
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Linda Middleton
Here, put this on.
Emily Middleton
What is this? What?
Linda Middleton
That is a rape - rape whistle. That's a rape whistle.
Emily Middleton
What? This is a dog whistle, Mom.
Linda Middleton
Oh, well...
Emily Middleton
Are you afraid these dogs are gonna rape me? Is that the main concern?
Linda Middleton
Can I just see that? I didn't look at the dogs.
Emily Middleton
Do they look like rapists to you?
Linda Middleton
Whatever!
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Emily Middleton
Are things ideal, financially, right now? No. The answer is no. But will things pick up? One thousand percent.
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Emily Middleton
They're not serving up whale semen.
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Emily Middleton
Holy shit!
Linda Middleton
What are you holy-shitting about?
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Emily Middleton
It was supposed to be a king but one thing led to another, and I changed it. So, it's two queens now.
Linda Middleton
Are you sure you changed it?
Emily Middleton
Yeah, I called ahead.
Front Desk Clerk
Yes, I do see that note here.
Emily Middleton
Okay, well, can you look at that note and make that note happen?
Front Desk Clerk
I'm sorry, I cannot.
Emily Middleton
So I'm just gonna share a king-size bed in a romantic locale with my mother?
Front Desk Clerk
You can sleep head-to-toe.
Emily Middleton
Like we're 69-ing. Great.
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Emily Middleton
That was not what it looked like. I was just washing my vagina in case we hooked up.
James
That is what it looked like.
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James
How come you're here?
Emily Middleton
I'm a model. I'm here, modeling.
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James
I've just spent the past few weeks in Koh Pha Ngan. And my last day there I kept thinking about that quote "Man cannot discover new oceans, unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Emily Middleton
Wow, I love - that you don't care about sounding like a weirdo.
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Emily Middleton
Look, can we just talk about this when I get back from my vacation to Ecuador?
Lew
Vacation? You never even asked for time off.
Emily Middleton
And I'm realizing - I'm realizing that right now.
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James
I went to Egypt. I know it's kind of dangerous right now. But, I've hiked up mountains in Iran. I've run with the bulls in Spain. I've eaten poisonous blowfish in Japan. To me, *those* are the moments that make life worth living.
Emily Middleton
I love everything you're saying. Your Instagram must be insane.
James
Oh, well, no. I'm not really on any of those things.
Emily Middleton
How can anybody see what you do?
James
Well, they don't. But I get to live it.
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Emily Middleton
Okay, waterfalls and rainbows.
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Emily Middleton
What? Do you hear yourself? Why are you a life-ruiner?
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Jeffrey Middleton
I'm the one that's been calling about the Middleton ladies and their situation down in South America. Let's go get 'em. What's the plan?
Morgan Russell
Right, so, I told her to contact me once she gets to Bogota. There's not much more I can do, unfortunately, sir.
Jeffrey Middleton
Okay, I imagine that you have some kind of commando squad. Maybe, like, four underground criminals who were tried for a crime they didn't commit. And they've been living in the underground kinda helping people along the way, almost...
Morgan Russell
Sir, were you born in the '70s?
Jeffrey Middleton
Yeah.
Morgan Russell
That sounds like The A-Team.
Jeffrey Middleton
It is The A-Team. Do you have an A-Team?
Morgan Russell
We actually disbanded that program in 1994, sir.
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Roger Simmons
Chicken wings for the ladies.
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Roger Simmons
Someone order a boat with a side of adventure?
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