Hank
I mean, before the Internet, every girl was a lot more special.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
Manny, if you don't know Jurassic Park, you don't know shit.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
Thoughts like, if my best friend keeps his farts from me, what else is he hiding from me, and why does that thought make me feel so alone?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
Because I'm just a scared, ugly, useless person.
Manny
But maybe everyone's a little bit ugly. And maybe we're all just ugly, dying sacks of shit, and maybe all it'll take is one person to just be okay with that, and then the whole world will be dancing and singing and farting, and everyone will feel a little bit less alone.
Hank
Manny, you have no idea how nice that sounds.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
Hank, when I masturbate, I'm gonna think about your mom.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
I have a lot of questions about all the things you just said.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[last lines]
Sarah
What the fuck?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
Well, you can't just say everything that comes into your head. That's bad talking.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
Maybe that's just something the brain invents to survive.
Manny
Yeah. Like maybe your brain invented me to distract you from the fact that eventually your eyes are gonna stop blinking and your mouth will stop chewing and your blood'll stop pumping... and then you're gonna shit yourself, and that's it.
Hank
No. No, that's not it. Because then my organs are going to shit themselves.
Manny
And then your cells will shit themselves, and then all your shit's gonna get mixed in with everyone else's shit till there's nothing left of you, and then that's it.
Hank
I don't know, man. That sounds kind of nice, everyone's shit mixing, because then someday some of your shit is gonna meet up with some of my shit, and we'll have something to look forward to, you know?
Manny
You're disgusting.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
Girls must be so nice if they let guys do all these things to them.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
Manny I think your penis is guiding us home.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
Every day, you ride the bus and count the minutes, hoping you'll see her again.
Manny
Oh, my God.
Hank
She smiles, and you feel a strange tingle up the back of your neck. Something carnal inside of you causes your body to break out in sweats. You feel like the luckiest man in the world. She sits alone, just like every other day, and looks out the window lost in her thoughts. You know that look. She's just as alone as you are, but she doesn't have to be. You could talk to her. Tell her you'd love to sit next to her today and every other day, because life is short, and no one deserves to ride the bus alone.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
And so now when you masturbate you think about your mom?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
Hey buddy!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
We're gonna die. That's a thought. Everybody dies. I'm sorry if this makes me weird or you don't understand, but I wish I was dead again.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
Poop is when your body takes everything it doesn't want and squeezes it out your butt.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
Buses are for people who don't know each other.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
Boobs, vaginas and butts.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
Is this crying? I don't like it. It's wet and uncomfortable.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
Hello, world! My name is Hank Thompson, and I've been stranded out on an island in the Pacific all alone! And this man... this man saved me from the brink of death when he allowed me to ride him like a jet ski, propelled by his f...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
Uhh... what should I do now?
Hank
Um... OK, maybe you talk to her.
Manny
Well, what do I talk about?
Hank
Just... whatever comes naturally.
Manny
Hello. I don't know why, but I have this sudden urge to put my mouth on your mouth?
Hank
OK, that's called kissing, but you can't do that yet. That's too fast.
Manny
Oh... Uh, how 'bout if I put my penis in you?
Hank
That's even worse.
Manny
Oh, so sorry. What about if just did the tip, like, just the very beginning...
Hank
OK, Manny, is not about sex!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
How do you expect anyone to want to talk to you if you sound retarded? I sound like my dad.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
Hurry before you starve and die.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
I just had a thought about a thought. How do you hide your thoughts, and why do we have to hide everything?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
You wanna go home so you can have love?
Hank
Yeah.
Manny
But you ran away 'cause nobody loves you?
Hank
That's not true.
Manny
You're broken and empty and dirty and smelly and useless and old. You're like trash, right?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
You're a miracle or... or I'm just hallucinating from starvation.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
I'm scared of whatever took that poop.
Manny
But why, though?
Hank
Because only huge, scary things take poops that big.
Manny
So what? Everything poops.
Hank
Yes, but if it finds us, it will eat us and push us out its butt and turn us into poop.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
What is Netflix?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
You just seemed really happy, and I wasn't.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
Back in civilization, there's seven billion other living people on the planet just running around and blinking and breathing and eating, and you used to be one of them. You were probably just looking for happiness. That's what everyone does.
Manny
Happy.
Hank
You look for someone who will make you happy - a friend, a girlfriend or a dog.
[arf arf]
Hank
Good boy.
Manny
Good boy.
Hank
Sometimes you might be lucky enough to bump into the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with - and that is love.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
My name's Manny, and this's my best friend Hank. I used to be dead, but then he brought me back to life, and we were lost out there in the woods for a very long time, but we survived because I have special powers.
[pukes]
Hank
Manny...
[farts]
Hank
Manny...
Crissie
That's gross.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
You know... I... I had always hoped that right before I die, my life would flash before my eyes and I would see wonderful things. A life full of parties and friends, and, and how I'd learned to play the guitar, and, and maybe there'd even be a girl; but as I was hanging up there, I didn't really see much of anything, but I did see you. And I know... I know it sounds dumb, but I, I really thought for a moment that, that maybe, just maybe there was a reason that you...
[Manny farts again]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
I don't know exactly what masturbation is or how it works, but I guess it probably feels a lot like the wind in your hair, or driving really fast in a car, or taking a bite out of your favorite food, or dancing with your friends, or singing your favorite song, or riding the bus, or looking out of windows.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
I'm sorry, I... I thought you were dead.
Manny
Am I dead?
Hank
I don't think so. You're talking.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
Hey, I didn't mean that. Hey, you talk however you want. You can mumble, look at your feet all day long, okay, buddy?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
Let me... eat you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
You're like the multipurpose tool guy. You're special.
Manny
I'm special.
Hank
Yeah, and that's why I need you to help me get home.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
So this is it. This is the life I've forgotten.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
Pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup.
Hank
What are you doing?
Manny
I'm singing a song so you won't overthink things.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
Sarah, do you ever masturbate?
Hank
What?
Manny
I have this friend called Hank, and he won't masturbate 'cause it makes him think about his mom.
Hank
Manny. That... that was between us.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
I wanna have sex. I wish there was some way I could pretend to do it.
Hank
It's called masturbation. It's kinda like sex.
Manny
But by yourself?
Hank
Yeah.
Manny
Masturbating make people happy.
Hank
It's supposed to. Sure.
Manny
I bet you masturbate a lot.
Hank
I can't believe we're talking about this.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Manny
When I get back home, I'm gonna show Sarah how much I care about her every ingle day. Whenever she wants, she's thirty or whatever, she can drink my spit, and then she can ride my gas to wherever she wants to go.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hank
You're the grossest thing in this gross world.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
