Chef Movie Quotes
Carl Casper
I may not do everything great in my life, but I'm good at this. I manage to touch people's lives with what I do and I want to share this with you.
[trailer abridged version]
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Martin
Here you go, little man.
[hands Percy a bottle of beer]
Percy
Are you sure? Is this beer?
Martin
No, of course not, I would never hand you beer. That's *cerveza*.
Percy
I'm 10, I can't have beer.
Martin
You're not 10! You're kitchen staff, kitchen staff doesn't have an age.
Percy
Dad?
Carl Casper
You can have a sip.
[Percy takes a sip from the bottle and makes a disgusted face]
Carl Casper
Huh? Like piss, right?
Percy
Worse!
Carl Casper
You remember that when your friends offer you a beer.
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Riva
Look, if you bought Stones tickets and Jagger didn't play Satisfaction, how would you feel? Would you be happy?
Carl Casper
No.
Riva
No! You'd burn the place to the fucking ground.
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[last lines]
Ramsey Michel
I just thought you and me bury-the-hatchet would be a good story. Reservations out the door. More importantly, you know, you just cook your ass off. In the meantime, you just tweet me where ever you are, and I'll come running. All right? 'Cause this shit's good. Delicious. Delicoso. Mucho goodo...
[walks away]
Martin
Hey hemet, that was a lot of talkin' and you not punching him. So what did the asshole say, huh?
Carl Casper
I think that asshole might be our new partner!
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Carl Casper
I'm like a cat playing a piano.
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Percy
Dad?
Carl Casper
Yeah.
Percy
You got 1,653 followers since last night.
Carl Casper
Oh, is that good?
Percy
It's amazing.
Carl Casper
Oh, good. What does it mean?
Percy
It means that 1,653 people are reading your Twitter feed.
Carl Casper
Mmm-hmm. I thought it was like texting.
Percy
Did you post anything since last night?
Carl Casper
No.
Percy
Are you sure?
Carl Casper
Yeah, I just sent a private message to somebody.
Percy
To who?
Carl Casper
To that a-hole food critic.
Percy
You can only send private messages to people who are following you. I think you might have posted that publicly.
Carl Casper
No, he wrote something nasty about me and then I hit "reply" and it let me send a message to him.
Percy
Dad, replies are public. Everybody can read them. And it looks like he re-tweeted it to all his 123,845 followers. And he wrote back.
Carl Casper
What did he say?
Percy
I don't think I should read it.
Carl Casper
Just... can you read it to me, please? Read the... read the reply.
Percy
[sighs]
"At Chef Carl Casper, I would rather have you sit on my face after a brisk walk on a warm day than suffer through that fucking lava cake again."
Carl Casper
He wrote that to me?
Percy
He wrote it to everybody.
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Percy
What are you doing?
Martin
Dude, I'm putting a little corn starch on my huevos, man. It's a little too humid down here.
Percy
Dad, wake up. Martin's putting corn starch on his balls.
Carl Casper
[passes the corn starch]
Want some? Here, it's like baby powder. Cool your nuts... It's nice, right?
Percy
Nice.
Carl Casper
What's good is, in the morning, you can dip your nuts in oil and make hush puppies.
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Carl Casper
Carl.
Percy
You can't just put "Carl". It's got to be "at" something.
Carl Casper
At Carl Casper.
Percy
At Carl Casper. Taken.
Carl Casper
Somebody took my name?
Percy
At Chef Carl Casper? Is that cool?
Carl Casper
Yeah, that's good.
Percy
At Chef Carl Casper.
Carl Casper
So is this for sex?
Percy
Ew. No. Is that what you're doing this for?
Carl Casper
No, I'm not doing it for that. Someone wrote something bad. I wanna see what they wrote.
Percy
Good. Oh, shit.
Carl Casper
Hey! You can't talk like that. I don't care if mommy's not around. I don't want you cursing around here.
Percy
That review went viral.
Carl Casper
What does that mean?
Percy
It means it got picked up and re-tweeted everywhere.
Carl Casper
So, all these people have read the review?
Percy
Yeah.
Carl Casper
Oh, shit.
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Tony
You're trending bro.
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Carl Casper
[passing around the corn starch]
Want some? Here, it's like baby powder. Cool your nuts... It's nice, right?
Percy
Nice.
Carl Casper
What's good is, in the morning, you can dip your nuts in oil and make hush puppies.
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Ramsey Michel
You started a flame-war with *me*. Are you kidding me, I buy ink by the barrel, buddy. What are you doing picking a fight with me? I wouldn't challenge you to a cook-off.
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Carl Casper
[excitedly reading Ramsey Michel's review]
"Gauloises: Eager to Please. Ten years ago, I had the good fortune to dine at Chef Casper's revelatory Miami bistro, Marrow. The sheer audacity of this fresh, brave voice of the culinary scene reminded me why I write about food as a vocation. It is nearly impossible to separate my glowing regard for Chef Casper and how much he inspired me from my expectations as I sat down to dine at the recently remodeled Brentwood Gallic staple, Gauloises. Oh, how times have changed."
[not so enthused]
Carl Casper
"Over the last decade, Carl Casper has somehow managed to transform himself from the edgiest chef in Miami to the needy aunt that gives you five dollars every time you see her in hopes that you will like her, but instead causes you to shrink from her cloying embrace which threatens to smother you in her saggy, moist cleavage. The signature app, intended to impress the country club brunch crowd, is the caviar egg. A shirred egg topped with a dollop of caviar is an excuse for the chef to overcharge us for his insecurity and lack of imagination. Carl Casper can be best summed up by the first bite of his needy, and yet, by some miracle, also irrelevant chocolate lava cake. Casper didn't even have the courage to undercook the cake, thus curiously lacking its signature molten center. This sad dessert is emblematic of Carl Casper's disappointing new chapter. His dramatic... weight gain can only be explained by the fact that he must be eating all the... food sent back to the kitchen. Two stars."
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Martin
Whose Bacon is this?
Martin
Huh?
Martin
I gotta watch this too?
Martin
When I found out you better grab your ankles! Cuz here comes Papi Chulo
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Tony
Chef Big Dog up all night cooking!
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Martin
Fuck Twitter. Come on, get out of here.
Carl Casper
Why should I fuck Twitter?
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Carl Casper
I just wanna say one thing. I just wanna say one thing. Just one thing.
Riva
Let's go to the kitchen.
Carl Casper
Stop it. Stop it for a second!
Riva
Let's just...
Carl Casper
I have been waiting to talk to this prick for a long time.
Riva
Ok.
Carl Casper
[Talking to Ramsey Michel]
I am not cloying. I am not needy. I don't care what you think. You're not getting to me. I'm not needy! Chocolate lava cake is not just undercooked chocolate cake. That's not what makes the center molten. You take a frozen cylinder of ganache and set it in the ramekin so that as the outside cooks fully, the inside becomes molten!
Riva
Ok, Ok.
Carl Casper
[Carl Casper grabs and crushes a chocolate lava cake to show the center]
It's molten, see? It's fucking molten, you asshole! And you don't do anything. What do you do? You sit and you eat and you vomit those words back. To make people laugh. You know how hard I work for this shit? Do you know how hard my whole staff works? What sacrifices I make to make you happy and then you just smugly just fucking shit on my shit?
Riva
Ok.
Carl Casper
It hurts.
Riva
Yes.
Carl Casper
It fucking hurts when you write that shit! It hurt you
[talking to Riva]
Riva
It does. It does.
Carl Casper
He was... he thought you were going to close his fucking restaurant down! You asshole! And what do you do? You just write shit to... you just make shit up! It was molten! It's fucking molten! Asshole! You're not getting to me.
Riva
Ok, ok.
Carl Casper
You're not getting to me!
Riva
Ok, Carl.
Carl Casper
He's not getting to me!
Riva
No, he's not.
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Carl Casper
What happened between us, that really knocked me for a loop. I mean, you robbed me of my pride and my career and my dignity. And I know people like you, you don't usually care about that kind of thing...
Ramsey Michel
That's not necessarily true.
Carl Casper
But you should know, it hurts people like me. 'Cause we're really trying.
Ramsey Michel
You started a flame war with me. Are you kidding me? I buy ink by the barrel, buddy. What are you doing picking a fight with me? I wouldn't challenge you to a cook-off.
Carl Casper
I thought I was sending you a private message.
Ramsey Michel
I didn't know that. I thought we were having fun. It was theater. By the way, what the fuck were you cooking? You totally shat the bed, buddy. How could I back that? You were one of my early boys.
Carl Casper
[nods] I had no control over the menu.
Ramsey Michel
Whatever the case, okay? You seem to be cooking for yourself again. Because this shit is sensational. I mean, really, really good.
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Carl Casper
Why should I fuck Twitter?
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Carl Casper
The sausage guy is here. You ever try Andouille sausage?
Percy
No.
Carl Casper
It's spicy. You like spicy?
Percy
No.
Carl Casper
Eh, it's not so spicy. Come on.
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Marvin
We're talking about a white-on-white '88 Chevy Grumman food truck. It's a blank canvas for your dreams. I'm gonna have 'em pull it around.
Carl Casper
Thank you.
Marvin
Don't thank me till you see it.
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Carl Casper
I feel like I had a bad week. I feel like I lost my job, I made an ass of myself on the internet. I'm divorced, I'm old, I got no money. I live in a shitty apartment in Venice. But you know what makes me feel like a turd? That I'm in my ex-wife's ex-husband's office and asking for a fucking favour and all he's doing is busting my balls.
Marvin
I like this humility. It's good.
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Carl Casper
Did you sleep with him?
Inez
With who?
Carl Casper
With Marvin. Did you sleep with Marvin?
Inez
But of course I did. He's my ex-husband.
Carl Casper
I mean, since we were divorced. Have you slept with - who did you sleep with last, him or me?
Inez
I'm sorry, but this is none of your business what I did after I divorce you. And second of all, I don't ask you what you do with your hot little waitress.
Carl Casper
That's completely different.
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Carl Casper
Please. I'm not one of your girlfriends. Don't tell me. Stop talking.
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Marvin
I don't want you to feel like because you were with Inez and you guys were sleeping together and I was with her and we had this - I was with her, then you were with her, and then maybe I fucked her after. I don't even know what happened with us. I came out to LA for a Clippers game once - and I think we had a couple of drinks and we went to Islands. And I think she had...
Carl Casper
What? What happened between you two?
Marvin
You know what? It doesn't matter.
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Carl Casper
Where'd you get a phone? How come you have a phone already? Everybody your age have phones?
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Martin
Get the hell out! No shit. You got a fucking taco truck?
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Carl Casper
Let's get going on the soup. We're behind on the egg prep. And get the mise on the steak. You still shitfaced?
Tony
No, I'm good. I'm good, Chef.
Carl Casper
Alright. Help Martin with the pig. We got the pig.
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Riva
Did you know his online blog was sold to AOL...
Carl Casper
For $10 million.
Riva
That's right. You knew that?
Carl Casper
Yes, I know.
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Carl Casper
How could you even want kettle corn with gorgeous fruit like this in front of you?
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Riva
When you put that artsy shit on the menu, people don't like it. Not one person ordered your sweetbreads.
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Carl Casper
I like my life. And as far as your publicist goes, when she calls back, you let her know that I understand I shouldn't tweet any pictures of my dick.
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Carl Casper
What does Twitter have to do with pussy?
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Carl Casper
The whole reason everybody's here tonight is because I called out Ramsey Michel online and they're all coming to watch me stick it in his ass.
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Riva
So now, suddenly, you're gonna be an artist. Well, be an artist on your own time.
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Carl Casper
We're not pushing specials today. The whole menu is special.
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Molly
I want you to be happy. You're not happy. You're never gonna be happy here.
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Carl Casper
Come on. French Quarter. We're going to Café Du Monde. You ever heard of Café Du Monde?
Percy
Is this the beignet place?
Carl Casper
You ready? We drove a long way for these. Here we go. Eat it slow. You're never gonna have your first beignet ever again.
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Carl Casper
Bang. Is it hot?
Percy
Yes.
Carl Casper
Tell him it's hot.
Percy
It's hot.
Carl Casper
Okay. Is it hot as your daddy's underwear?
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Carl Casper
Carl Casper, Martin: [singing] Hey, baby, I'm hot just like an oven, I need some lovin', And baby, I can't hold it much longer, It's getting stronger and stronger, When I get that feeling, I want sexual healing, Sexual healing - is good for me, Makes me feel so fine, Helps to relieve my mind...
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Jen
You threatening them with lawyers builds on a story that's already getting a lot of play. And then you get another week of headlines. And then you got this food critic posting fresh blogs about you nonstop. And they're all getting picked up, and the picked-up headlines are getting picked up by each other. You know, it's absolutely unbelievable.
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Carl Casper
I thought this shit lives forever online.
Jen
It does, but there's so much news out there and it's so fast and there's so much white noise, nobody remembers anything.
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Carl Casper
We've had a blast.
Molly
Yes, we've had a blast. And now it's time for you to go.
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