[from trailer]
Lightning
Hey Webster, show a little respect!
Dante Slate, Jr.
I choose to believe that you just called me Webster because of my dictionary-sized vocabulary, *not* because of my height and race!
Lightning
Nope, it's because you're short and black!
Dante Slate, Jr.
What was Jesus like? I'm curious. Was he cool?
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Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Where's Frankie?
Mikey
[Distracted from reading]
Frankie's not coming till later. I'm your trainer, Mikey.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
[looking at a fat man]
You can't be my trainer. Maybe I believe you ATE my trainer
Mikey
[Knowing he's been insulted]
Nice.
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Dante Slate, Jr.
I can get you a part in Hangover 4!
Evander Holyfield
I'm listening.
Mike Tyson
You sonofabitch!
[goes for Slate]
Dante Slate, Jr.
Wait, WAIT, WAIT!
Evander Holyfield
Guard your ears!
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Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
I banged his girlfriend. It was an error in judgement, look how it turned out...
[walks off]
Dante Slate, Jr.
This is some white people shit...
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[from trailer]
[Sharp throws a punch at a side of beef]
Lightning
*Hey!* What are you doing? We're just here to buy a little dinner. You don't have to punch everything!
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[Lightning brings a bucket of horse urine for Razor]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
I'm not putting my hands in horse urine!
Lightning
So you're telling me you're a better boxer than Jack Dempsey? Every day, Jack Dempsey would soak his hands in horse urine! And nobody ever had a tougher punch than Jack Dempsey!
[dips his fists in the bucket]
Lightning
It's vinegar, I'm kidding!... It's urine!
[Razor pulls his fist out]
Lightning
It's vinegar!
[in]
Lightning
It's urine!
[out]
Lightning
It's vinegar!
[in]
Lightning
It's urine!
[out]
Lightning
It's vinegar!
[in]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Hey, come on!
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[Razor and Kid end up in prison]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Will one of you hurry up and rape this guy already?
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Dante Slate, Jr.
Come on, Evander! So the man went batshit and bit your ear off, it's not like he enjoyed it!
Mike Tyson
It tasted like ass!
Dante Slate, Jr.
Hear that? You didn't taste good!
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[at a skydiving stunt, Razor shoves Kid out of the plane]
Dante Slate, Jr.
You threw his old ass out the plane!
[Dante breaks into laughter]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Why are you laughing?
Dante Slate, Jr.
I forgot to tell you, first one down gets an extra five grand.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Shit!
[jumps out]
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[as the fight starts]
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[from trailer]
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
I wanted to see my old friend, he's been ducking me for thirty years! I missed him!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
It don't look like you're missing any meals. I'm outta here!
[a fight starts]
Dante Slate, Jr.
This is not the behavior of old men!
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Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Thank you, Jesus! Thirty years! Thirty goddamn years! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes! Yes!
[jumps around happily, then bends over gasping for breath]
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
I gotta get in shape...
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[from trailer]
B.J.
[to McDonnen]
Can I talk to you for a second? I'm your son. I thought maybe you could use a little help.
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[from trailer]
Dante Slate, Jr.
I got a copy that wants an official rematch, they'll pay you a hundred grand!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Well, I can't be in the same room as that guy. It's not worth it.
Dante Slate, Jr.
The hell you mean, it ain't worth it? I'm looking at your house!
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[from trailer]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
What have I done?
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Dante Slate, Jr.
[his feet in a bucket]
I gotta wash this vinegar off my feet. This is strong vinegar, it smells awful. This vinegar went bad!
[Lightning grins]
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Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Listen, uh, your thing. Turn it down.
Lightning
Oh, the hearing aid. Goddamn thing drives me crazy, feels like R2-freaking-D2!
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Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Hey, you made me wait 30 years to prove to the world I could kick your ass! And that's what I'm going to do, kick your ass!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
You gotta move on!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
What, move on?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Move on!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Now that you got her, you want me to move on? And what do I got? Nothing, nothing!
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Trey
What does BJ stand for?
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Trey, BJ stands for Butterscotch and Jellybeans.
Trey
I like butterscotch and jellybeans!
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Lightning
You doing real good, you big pussy!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
That's not helping.
Lightning
It's okay, I'm eight hundred years old, I say what I want.
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Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
I turned my back, like, for a minute. That was it.
B.J.
Turn your back, in a bar? What'd you say to me? What did you say? You said, "Dinner, maybe a movie." Then you took my son to a bar!
Trey
Dad, it's not his fault, or the naked lady's...
B.J.
What? One night I ask you to step up like a father, and you can't keep it together.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Come on, BJ. Nobody got hurt. Everybody's okay. Come on...
B.J.
Everybody's okay? Who's okay? I'm not okay, Kid, all right? It's my son! He means everything to me! A concept you would never understand.
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Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Look at us!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Yeah, look at us! We're not dead! Everyone's laughing at us! The whole world's laughing at us! But we're not dead! In fact, I feel more alive now than I ever felt!
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Lightning
[unwilling to have a male nurse]
What kind of man knowingly takes a job where he's gotta wash another man's balls?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
He's a hero a far as I'm concerned, pal.
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Lightning
Why don't you have a TV? I watch "Dancing with the Stars"! I'm an old man, I need to watch "Dancing with the Stars"!
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B.J.
[to Kid]
You know, I was pissed off at my mom for not telling me about you, but I can see she was right about you.
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Dante Slate, Jr.
We are in Kardashian sex tape money, baby!
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[from trailer]
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B.J.
He's blind!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
What? How do you know?
B.J.
My mother told me!... What, you think she made it up? You've been hammering him since the fight began!
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Henry 'Razor' Sharp
[during a casino promotion]
Didn't you lose twenty thousand dollars betting here?
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Yeah, well, who loses the SuperBowl four times in a row?
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Henry 'Razor' Sharp
You know, women are more verbal than men.
Sally Rose
Women are more verbal than men?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Yeah, I read it in a magazine article: "Women are More Verbal than Men".
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B.J.
Bradley James. Stands for Bradley James. But I just... I like BJ.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
We all do, kid. But it's one thing to get one and it's another to be called one.
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Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
I wanna beat you!
[hurls a machine at Razor]
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Come on, come on! Come on! Come on!
[Razor charges at Kid]
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Henry 'Razor' Sharp
I'm ready!
Lightning
Yeah. You're the one-eyed monster.
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[repeated line]
Dante Slate, Jr.
No tickets, no money.
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Henry 'Razor' Sharp
I'm gonna fight.
Sally Rose
Don't let him use me to shame you into doing this.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
I'm not. I'm not. Not at all. I made so many mistakes, Sally. I made so many. Maybe I shouldn't have quit boxing 30 years ago. Maybe I should've spent more time with you. I ignored you so much. Maybe I could've forgiven you and helped raise your kid. Maybe I could've done so many things that I didn't do. I just don't wanna make any more mistakes. I'm done with that. I let him take from me the two things that mattered most: You and boxing. I just shut it out. I don't even have a TV. Can you believe that? Because I'm afraid I might flip to a fight by accident and be embarrassed, because I'm a fighter. I was born to be a fighter. I had some talent. I did. And I just walked away so early. I love you. Always have, always will. You're stuck with me, believe me. But I've always regretted not beating Kid at his best.
Sally Rose
No matter how hard you guys work, it won't be your best.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
It's the best we got.
Sally Rose
Then go kick his ass.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Well, since you put it like that, he's a dead man.
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Sally Rose
Don't make this fight with him about me!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Don't treat him like a baby, give him his balls back!
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[as the fight begins]
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Is this about you and me, or is about her?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
You and me!
Dante Slate, Jr.
Well, that's a relief!
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Dante Slate, Jr.
You don't know what a video game is? Exactly when did they unfreeze you, Captain America?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Captain America? You know, I could take you down a peg or two... but it looks like someone beat me to it.
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Henry 'Razor' Sharp
You remember the first thing you said to me? I did.
Lightning
I said you looked like a garbage salesman come to take out the trash.
[later on]
Lightning
You know why I said that garbage thing? I didn't want your head to get swelled up, you were so goddamn good.
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Henry 'Razor' Sharp
You know, I know it was a long time ago, but... what happened? Really.
Sally Rose
You were everything in my life. Then Kid beat you. And you were different. And I was lost. And everything started to fall apart...
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Listen, this is ancient history. I put it behind me. And I don't wanna get emotional about it.
Sally Rose
I hope you've put it behind you.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
I just want to keep it calm... But why HIM? I mean, seriously, of all the people in the world? I can't get it through my head. I lay in bed at night, I want to pound my head against... I dream about killing this guy. Why HIM? He's the worst guy in the world. Why?
Sally Rose
Okay. Okay. Remember when you went to the Catskills to train? You wanted to be alone. You wouldn't return my calls. Six months turned into a year.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
I know that now, but I was focused on winning the title.
Sally Rose
I know that. I know that. But I was so in love with you. And I even flew up to surprise you. And then I saw you with that woman.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
I didn't know her. Nothing happened. I had no idea who she was, she just showed up.
Sally Rose
What did I know? I just wanted to hurt you as much as I thought you had hurt me. And so... Kid.
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Lightning
[sees Razor and Sally together]
Strange how life works out, huh? Oh, I'm flashing on to a stripper I knew once in Korea. She never charged me, not even for the most daring requests. I keep hoping I'd run into her again someday. Her and her ping-pong ball...
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Ooh. Hey.
Lightning
I'm just saying, seeing the two of you together gives me hope.
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Lightning
Call it!
[throws a coin in the air]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Hey, I never saw it coming, come on...
[Lightning raises a hand, and slaps him]
Lightning
When were you going to tell me you were blind in one eye?
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Dante Slate, Jr.
I got a kid in primary school, he's surrounded only by white kids! You know what that means? It means he owes people! He's already promised one kid a bar mitzvah! Do you know how much a bar mitzvah costs?
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Trey
Sorry you lost, Kid.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
That's all right, Trey. Call me Grandad.
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[last lines]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Light! Light, we WON!
Lightning
What? Who did? What?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
We won!
Lightning
We won? Get the hell out of here!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Heh, no!
Lightning
Goddamn hearing aid!
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Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
[to BJ]
Look, I know you got every right to hate me. And I don't blame you. But I need you now. I need you in my corner. You're the best person for me.
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Lightning
Oh for God's sakes, call her up!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
What are you talking about?
Lightning
Deal with Sally, or your head won't be clear and she's gonna screw up your fight again!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
What do you mean, again?
Lightning
Oh, for God's sakes. A guy has sex with my girl, I want to knock his teeth out! Why didn't you?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Because Kid loved boxing. I wanted to take from him the one thing he cared about most, because that's what he took from me.
Lightning
Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
You're my buddy. But be careful where you're going, because you don't know anything about it.
Lightning
Forgive me, but you keep talking about how much she meant to you. All I remember is you would show up at the gym first thing in the morning, you would be the last person to leave at night. You didn't have time for anybody or anything. You blamed her for ruining the relationship. Well, maybe the real problem was you.
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Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
[to Razor]
How do you live with yourself, knowing that we tied? You never beat me!
Sally Rose
I was there, he kicked your ass!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
He kicked my ass, he only did that the second match because I was out of shape! The first match, I kicked his ass because I was in shape!
Sally Rose
You're pathetic!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Pathetic? Tell her! TELL HER!
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Frankie Brite
You're the original media whore!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Your mother's a whore!
Frankie Brite
You called my mother a whore? You called my mother a whore? You called my mo...
[Kid punches him out]
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Frankie Brite
You are planning on embarrassing yourself, Kid. A great performer knows when to leave the stage.
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Lightning
We're gonna focus on your endurance and your speed, so you get so fast he's gonna crawl right back up into his mama's vagina.
[some female athletes stare at Lightning, scandalized]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Hey, Light!
Lightning
What?
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Lightning
Not only did you put Sally at risk, if he finds out he can hit you on the right he can kill you!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Then I go to my left. I need to do this, Light.
Lightning
Look, I know you're doing this for my sake. And I appreciate it, believe me. It's too dangerous. We gotta call off the fight.
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Tranny Hooker
[Kid and Razor are dressed in green catsuits]
You two some kind of superheroes?
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Yeah, I'm the Green Champion and he's the Emerald Superpussy.
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Lightning
You got an iPad?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Nah, I got a regular couch.
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Dante Slate, Jr.
A man turns 60, all of a sudden he's washed up and you kick him out of the workplace? That may have been fine 100 years ago, when men were dying at the age of 50. But in this world, it's different. The elderly are strong. Their spirit is strong. And they have a voice. And that voice is in these two men, and they will be heard. Respect, bitches!
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Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Why did you sleep with me?
Sally Rose
I was stupid.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Well, girls have slept with me for less. There was this one girl slept with me, she thought I was Marv Albert. Because my haircut was different.
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[1980s footage]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
Today I'm announcing my retirement from professional boxing.
[cut to Kid walking down a street swearing viciously]
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
The man's a coward! I'm gonna get my rematch. You hear me, Razor? I'm getting my ****ing rematch!
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[at the fight, Lightning gets out of his scooter]
Lightning
You see all that heat out there? I'm getting some snapper tonight!
Dante Slate, Jr.
I think I just threw up in my mouth...
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Dante Slate, Jr.
[to Lightning]
You think you're the only one who got ripped off? All my dad left me was a bad reputation!
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Henry 'Razor' Sharp
I hate you, man.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
I hate you too.
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Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
[to Frankie]
You set me up with that one trainer over there who's so full of shit he can't even hear a word I'm saying!
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Sally Rose
I think we depressed the shit out of these pigeons...
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[first lines]
Jim Lampley
Hello again, everybody, I'm Jim Lampley. Certain athletes are born enemies. Bird and Magic. Ali and Frazier. Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. But the fiercest rivalry was be between two fighters from Pittsburgh with the names Razor and Kid.
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Dante Slate, Jr.
[to Razor]
What's the matter, did you wake up on the wrong side of the tenement this morning?
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Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
What do you wanna do tonight, huh? Go to the movies?
Trey
If it's PG-13 or R. I don't do G.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Oh wow! You're old for your years.
Trey
You too.
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Lightning
I want my two sleeping pills.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
It's 10 in the morning.
Lightning
Then I want four. I wanna be dreaming of all them hookers that you deprived me of.
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B.J.
She said you turned into an asshole.
[laughs]
B.J.
That's what she said. She said you became a womanizer and a drunk, loudmouth, you know.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Is that all what she said?
B.J.
That's it.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
That's bullshit.
[BJ laughs]
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Well, you know, I was all those things way before I met your mother.
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[Razor is about to punch the meat in the store]
Lightning
Hey, what are you doing?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp
I thought you wanted me to hit this.
Lightning
What are you gonna do? Beat up the meat? That's not sanitary. *No*, we're just here to buy a little dinner. You don't have to punch everything.
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Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Son of a bitch, he ain't ever gonna fight me.
Joey the Bartender
Can't believe you would. It's insane.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Oh yeah! What? Give me one reason.
Joey the Bartender
You're old. You're fat. You got a bad back. You got weak knees. You're fat.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen
Hey, you know, don't sugarcoat it. Be honest.
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