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Kinoafisha Films The Five-Year Engagement The Five-Year Engagement Movie Quotes

The Five-Year Engagement Movie Quotes

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer [Impression of Elmo] Elmo thinks you should do what you feel is right.

Violet Barnes Well, I don't really know what I think is right. I think just, time will tell.

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer [Impression of Elmo] Elmo thinks time will tell.

Violet Barnes Could you mind not doing that because you're repeating what I'm saying.

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer [Impression of Elmo] Elmo thinks you should shit or get off the pot.

Violet Barnes [Impression of Cookie Monster] But me think that's a really rude thing to say, Elmo.

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer [Impression of Elmo] But Elmo says it's been almost five years! Almost five years! You either love him or you don't!

Violet Barnes [Impression of Cookie Monster] Me love him but it's very complicated. Cookie doesn't get everything handed to him on a silver platter like Elmo.

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer [Impression of Elmo] Cookie does a career he wanted. Tom moved to Michigan so Cookie could work okay? Elmo wanted to be a kinesiologist but instead, Elmo is cleaning puke off her shirt every day!

Violet Barnes [Impression of Cookie Monster] Well maybe as nice as little elmos are, Elmo should have considered using protection! C is for condom! That's good enough for me!

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer [Impression of Elmo] Elmo is very happy with Elmo's little elmos okay? Elmo would just like a break! Once in a while! Elmo never gets a break!

Violet Barnes [Impression of Cookie Monster] Fine! This is fine! But this is precisely why Cookie wants to take the time to consider if he's picked the right cookie for his life!

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer [Impression of Elmo] Well maybe Elmo thinks there is no right cookie, you just pick one and take a bite!

Violet Barnes [softly] Alright.

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Alex Eilhauer I feel like I'm drinking out of Chewbacca's dick.

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Tom Solomon I think I understand why I have communication issues. Mom, maybe you should slow down on the Bloody Mary's. You don't need any more.

Carol Solomon Oh?

Pete Solomon Let her have it.

Carol Solomon You're going to tell me what to do? No. I am going to ask you again. What are you doing with Violet? You're being dumb! You are being so fucking dumb, you idiot. You love Violet. I love Violet. Your father loves Violet and you're letting her go. Fuck you, you dummy.

Tom Solomon Wow.

[laughs]

Tom Solomon Since when do you talk like this?

Carol Solomon It's not funny, Tom.

Tom Solomon Okay, fine.

Carol Solomon What are you doing?

Tom Solomon We're not 100% right for each other so there's nothing to be said.

Carol Solomon I've got news for you, moron. Your father and I, we're not even 90% right for each other. Not even 60, but he's the love of my life. And right now the love of your life is going to fly away and somewhere in the back of your mind you're thinking that she'll always be there if you want to try again. But you know what, she won't because she's the goddamn best. And some lucky guy is going to make it work with her no matter what instead of settling for some 23-year old airhead who probably doesn't know who the fucking Beatles are.

Pete Solomon Had to be said.

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Alex Eilhauer Seeing you chop onions is depressing. It's like watching Michael Jordan take a shit.

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George Barnes The first important thing to remember about marriage is that it requires commitment. The second important thing to remember about marriage is that so does insanity.

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Violet Barnes He kissed me, Tom!

Tom Solomon K, you know what? That is a cop out. That is not fair. Yes, he may have been the one who kissed you. But there is a reason that he felt like that was an option. You know that's the truth.

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Audrey Hi! I missed you today.

Tom Solomon That's nice.

[pauses]

Tom Solomon Listen, I need to talk to you about something, Audrey.

Audrey What's behind those eyes, Tom?

Tom Solomon My ex-fiance has been on my mind a lot and I feel like that's something I need to explore.

Audrey Well, she's an old bitch! There, I just explored it for you. Done?

Tom Solomon It's hard to have this conversation with you.

Audrey You need to explore it, Tom? You were with her for five fucking years. That's a really long time. What else is there to learn about her?

[yells]

Tom Solomon I don't really know the answer to that but I just think I need to find out.

Audrey What are you thinking? You're so stupid. You're so stupid! You're gonna leave me? You're gonna leave this for saggy tits and a loose vagina? Really? Oh God!

Tom Solomon I'm sorry to do this to you.

Audrey Shut the fuck up! You know what? You should just go, Tom. Just go! Go! Go have fun with your old woman. Go fucking read at night together. You can go through menopause together and you can go get your little prostates checked. Check each other for lumps all the time and do those kinds of things together. Then go get some Crocs so your back doesn't hurt. And then you can go walk on the beach and fuck each other with your gross, wrinkly balls.

[pauses]

Audrey That's another thing. You're getting fucking fat! It's really hard to have sex with someone when you can't breathe underneath them. Can't breathe! Like I feel like I'm going to die every time!

[sighs]

Audrey You should leave. I'm gonna say mean things.

Tom Solomon Goodbye.

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Tom Solomon How could you do this to me?

Winton Childs I haven't done anything to you, Violet did something to you; not me. If a woman wants to kiss me I'm going to fucking kiss her. Underneath all that polite bullshit we're all running on caveman software. If she's got a husband, or a fiancé, or a boyfriend it's on her conscience, not mine.

Tom Solomon You should run.

Winton Childs Look Tom, this is ridiculous. Let's just put a stop to this now, please. Come on, I'm sorry. I really am.

Tom Solomon Winton, if you feel bad at all for what you did then you'll run from me.

Winton Childs Well, okay, I'll keep running. I'm off.

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Tom Solomon Chef, I'm trying to propose to my future wife just right now. Literally right now.

Chef Sally Wow. Okay. Wow. Congratulations to both of you guys. Live long and prosper. No, that's weird, that's Star Trek.

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Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer This is your wedding. You only get a few of these.

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Violet Barnes Where are you going?

Doug Uh... On my way to University of North Dakota.

Violet Barnes Oh! Well, that's good.

Doug Yeah. No, no, it's great. I'm excited. I'ma be a pioneer. I'll be the first black guy to freeze to death. It's gonna be cool. Yeah, I'm pumped up about it.

Violet Barnes Cool.

Doug Yeah. It's just like that song, y'know. I get knocked down, except I get up again in North Dakota, which is the worst place on Earth.

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Taco Customer You're a white guy. You make tacos like a Mexican.

Tom Solomon Thanks.

Taco Customer Give me a hug.

Tom Solomon Really?

Taco Customer Give me a hug, now!