Captain Dickson
Hey, hey! Stop fuckin' with Korean Jesus. He ain't got time for yo problems, he's busy wit Korean shit!
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[to a handcuffed Domingo]
Jenko
You have the right to...
[forgets the Miranda rights]
Jenko
... suck my dick, motherfucker!
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Jenko
One particle of unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with the flux capacitor - carry the '2' - changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider. Fuck you, Science!
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Captain Dickson
He's white, that means people actually give shit.
Schmidt
Um, I would just like to say that I would give a shit if he were black.
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Deputy Chief Hardy
We're reviving a canceled undercover police program from the '80s and revamping it for modern times. You see the guys in charge of this stuff lack creativity and are completely out of ideas, so all they do now is recycle shit from the past and expect us all not to notice.
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1
[last lines]
Captain Dickson
New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko
Oh, I love Disneyland!
Captain Dickson
You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Schmidt
Yes!
Jenko
No!
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Captain Dickson
[going over the rule of not having sexual relations with teachers or students; to Jenko]
That's you, man. Don't do it. Keep that dirty dick inside your pants. Don't fuck no students, don't fuck no teachers...
Schmidt
Sir, I know we may look like a couple of lady-killers, but me and my partner will be super professional...
Captain Dickson
Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub-looking motherfucker. I was talking to your partner, fake-ass Handsome McGee here. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say "shut the fuck up," I'm talking to you.
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Deputy Chief Hardy
Do you even know the Miranda rights?
Jenko
It obviously starts with... you have the right to... remain an attorney...
Deputy Chief Hardy
Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt
Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to...
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Jenko
Chemistry's the one with the shapes and shit, right?
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Schmidt
We are trying to show them a good time, not ruin their fucking lives.
Jenko
Pound of marijuana?
Schmidt
Best party ever!
Jenko
Booyah!
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Captain Dickson
I know what you're thinkin': angry, black captain. Well guess what? I'm black, and I worked my ASS off to be the captain. And sometimes, I get a little angry, so suck a dick!
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Annie Schmidt
What kind of a sick animal draws an ejaculating penis into a 8-year-old's mouth?
Jenko
It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.
Annie Schmidt
You think I don't know that's a dick and balls? I know all about dick and balls! I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober, when he was really fucked up and a lot of fun!
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[pointing gun at Domingo]
Tom Hanson
On your knees! Now!
Officer Doug Penhall
Fuck! Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!
Domingo
What the...
Officer Doug Penhall
Put your guns on the ground!
Schmidt
Yes! Yes!
Tom Hanson
Shut the fuck up! You dweebs just ruined a five year investigation!
Schmidt
We had no idea, you're like, an amazing actor, man.
Domingo
You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!
Tom Hanson
Tough titty, I fucked her too!
Domingo
What?
Tom Hanson
You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this? You see this nose? This is a fake nose. You want to wear a fake nose on your fucking head? For, like, months on end!
Schmidt
There are worse things in the world.
Tom Hanson
We had to get fucking tattoos on our dicks, man!
Officer Doug Penhall
Actually, I just said that to mess with you.
Tom Hanson
What?
Officer Doug Penhall
It looks tough.
Jenko
Hey, man, look we know what its like being undercover. Metro Police, Jump Street division.
Tom Hanson
You're with the Jump Street? That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.
Jenko
What? That's crazy, man!
Tom Hanson
Yeah!
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Eric Molson
You know what they do to handsome guy like me in prison. It Rhymes with GRAPE. It Rhymes with grape.
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Zack
You look really old. Were you held back?
Jenko
No. You look super young, were you held forward?
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Captain Dickson
The mission is this: infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Jenko
We get to be brothers?
Jenko
But if we find the supplier first, we don't have to worry about the dealers.
Captain Dickson
God damn.
[slams desk]
Captain Dickson
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
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Jenko
Fuck you, Glee!
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Principal Dadier
I am one more black gay kid getting punched in the face away from a nervous breakdown.
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Captain Dickson
You are here because you some Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus lookin' motherfuckers.
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Jenko
Hey, you want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo
[Looks surprised]
You want to beat my dick off?
Jenko
I'll beat your dick off with both hands, let's go!
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Schmidt
[referring to a wall in his parents' house displaying many photos of him as a youth]
It looks like I died in a car crash and you never got over me.
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Sanders
You punched me because I'm gay?
Jenko
What? No, I... oh, come on. I punched him and... he turned out to be gay afterwards.
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Jenko
Are you ready for a lifetime of being absolutely badass motherfuckers?
Schmidt
Oh, I am.
[Scene cuts. They are patroling the park on bicycles]
Jenko
I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.
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Jenko
[is asked if he knows the Miranda Rights]
Look, it obviously starts with... you have the right to remain silent...
Jenko
You have the right to remain... an attorney.
Deputy Chief Hardy
Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt
You do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.
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Jenko
Where do we report to?
Deputy Chief Hardy
Down on Jump Street. 37 Jump Street... wait, that doesn't sound right.
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Captain Dickson
Who made this? Are you autistic?
Schmidt
It IS artistic.
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Jenko
The three keys of coolness in high school, by Jenko.
Schmidt
Mmhmm.
Jenko
One, don't try hard at anything. Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick-ass car.
[walks up to car they'll be driving in, Jenko sees it's an old run down car]
Jenko
Shit.
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Schmidt
Sir, if I have to suck someone's dick... I will but I prefer not to.
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Jr. Jr.
We just shut down our second operation. Meanwhiles you two are fingerpoppin' each others assholes.
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Eric Molson
Get in the fucking car now!
Jenko
Not until you ask nicely.
Eric Molson
Please get in the car.
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Schmidt
Hey Korean Jesus.
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Principal Dadier
Alright, which one of you is Doug?
[neither Jenko or Schmidt reply]
Principal Dadier
Alright, let's try that again and pretend you guys aren't weird.
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Jenko
What are you doing, trying to find my g spot? Just stick it in. GO!
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Schmidt
[after being forced to take HFS, Schmidt and Jenko try to imagine something nasty to make them throw up]
Your grandma's vagina and there's a dick going in there.
Jenko
What the fuck, dude?
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[having sex with Jenko in the end credits]
Ms. Griggs
Oh my God! You're like two Hardy Boys in one!
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Captain Dickson
Hey! stop fucking with Korean Jesus! He ain't got time for your problems! He's busy... with Korean shit!
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Jenko
You have the right to suck my dick, motherfucker.
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Eric Molson
You don't care about the environment? That's fucked up, man!
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Captain Dickson
Are you comfortable?
Schmidt
Yes.
Captain Dickson
Get your... motherfucking ass up when I'm talking to you! I know what ya'll thinking. Angry black Captain. It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype. Well let me tell you something, I'm black, and I worked my ass off to become Captain, and sometimes I get angry. So suck a dick!
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Schmidt
When did I get stabbed? That's awesome!
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Jenko
[after seeing Schmidt for the first time since high school]
Not-So-Slim Shady? What's up, dude?
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Jenko
I would choke the shit out of Glee if I could... if Glee was a person.
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Schmidt
We're like, in the end of "Die Hard" right now, only it's our actual life!
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Captain Dickson
Teenage the fuck up!
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Tom Hanson
You little dweebs just ruined a five-year investigation.
Schmidt
We had no idea. You're, like, an amazing actor, man.
Domingo
You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man.
Tom Hanson
Tough titty. I fucked her, too.
Domingo
What?
Tom Hanson
You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this? Do you see this nose? That is a fake nose. Do you want to wear a fake nose on your fuckin' head for, like, months on end? Glue and shit?
Schmidt
Worse things in the world.
Tom Hanson
We had to get fuckin' tattoos on our dicks, man.
Officer Doug Penhall
Yeah, actually, I just said that to mess with you.
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Jenko
Let's just finger each other's mouths.
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Captain Dickson
Clearly, I wasn't talking to you, big titties! You cherub-lookin' mother fucker!
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Jenko
I'm sorry, I just can't sometimes.
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Captain Dickson
They teenagers, man. They really stupid.
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Schmidt
Lets make a baby!
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Schmidt
I think I shit my pants.
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Mr. Gordon
You never won't know what you can't achieve before you don't achieve it.
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Eric Molson
You're a cop. You lied to me.
Schmidt
I'm sorry, man.
Eric Molson
But you bought us Taco Bell.
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Eric Molson
You made me this friendship bracelet.
Jenko
Well he's not really your friend, he was pretending the whole time.
Eric Molson
I'm gonna cut this the fuck off later alright!
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Mr. Walters
That's my quesadilla!
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Mr. Walters
I need me some Doug McQuaid.
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[Schmidt and Jenko are flipping their guns in the air, catching them and aiming at each other]
Schmidt
Yours isn't loaded, right?
Jenko
Huh?
Schmidt
We're supposed to unload 'em first, right?
Jenko
Nah, that's no fun. Come on.
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Tom Hanson
Tom Hanson, DEA!
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Jenko
Fuck you, Miles Davis!
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Schmidt
Is it me?
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Eric Molson
Everybody's a stranger until you give them a chance.
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[back at 21 Jump Street in Dickson's office, after getting expelled from school for fighting on stage]
Jenko
Is that it? You're not gonna... you're not gonna scream at us?
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Mr. Walters
You shot me in the dick. Oh, my god! It definitely came out my asshole.
Schmidt
Schmidt, Jenko: Yes. You are under arrest, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you? Fuck you, bitch!
Schmidt
Yes, yes, We did it, man.
Jenko
God, I feel so good.
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[first lines]
Schmidt
Hey, Melodie.
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Jenko
You're in too deep, man.
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