Dr. Teeth
[after the Electric Mayhem paint the Studebaker]
Doc Hopper will never recognize you now.
Fozzie
I don't know how to thank you guys.
Kermit
I don't know *why* to thank you guys.
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Fozzie
Ahh, a bear in his natural habitat - a Studebaker.
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Fozzie
[walking into the church and seeing the Electric Mayhem]
They don't look like Presbyterians to me.
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Kermit
[singing] Life's like a movie, write your own ending...
All Muppets
[singing] Keep believing, keep pretending; we've done just what we've set out to do, thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you!
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Rowlf the Dog
It's not often you see a guy that green have the blues that bad.
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Statler
I like the movie fine so far.
Waldorf
It hasn't started yet.
Statler
That's what I like about it.
[they laugh]
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Fozzie
Hey, why don't you join us?
Gonzo
Where are you going?
Fozzie
We're following our dream!
Gonzo
Really? I have a dream, too!
Fozzie
Oh?
Gonzo
But you'll think it's stupid.
Fozzie
No we won't, tell us, tell us!
Gonzo
Well, I want to go to Bombay, India and become a movie star.
Fozzie
You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star! You go where we're going: Hollywood.
Gonzo
Sure, if you want to do it the *easy* way.
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Kermit
That's pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn't hop, I'd be gone with the Schwinn.
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Kermit
I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features.
Kermit's Conscience
So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?
Kermit
'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody.
Kermit's Conscience
On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.
Kermit
Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear, and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey.
Kermit's Conscience
[Kermit's Conscience is sitting on a rock behind him] Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.
Kermit
No I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault.
Kermit's Conscience
Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come.
Kermit
But... that's because they believed in me.
Kermit's Conscience
No, they believed in the dream.
Kermit
Well, so do I, but...
Kermit's Conscience
You do?
Kermit
Yeah! Of course I do.
Kermit's Conscience
Well then?
Kermit
Well then... I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.
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Kermit
Where did you learn to drive?
Fozzie
I took a correspondence course.
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[first lines]
Statler
I'm Statler.
Waldorf
I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".
Gate Guard
Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.
Statler
Private screening?
Waldorf
Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.
[they laugh as their car proceeds forward]
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Statler
Well, how do you like the film?
Waldorf
I've seen detergents leave a better film than this.
[they laugh]
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[when seeing Fozzie perform for the first time]
Kermit
This guy's lost.
Waiter
Maybe he should try Hare Krishna.
Kermit
Good grief, it's a running gag.
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Kermit
[singing; repeated lines]
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
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Sam the Eagle
Kermit, does this film have socially redeeming value?
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Kermit
[navigating in the Studebaker]
Bear left.
Fozzie
Right, frog.
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Kermit
Hey, Fozzie, I want you to turn left if you come to a fork in the road.
Fozzie
Yes sir, turn left at the fork in the road.
[drives past a giant fork]
Fozzie
Kermit!
Kermit
I don't believe that.
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El Sleezo Cafe Owner
That's toughest, meanest, *filthiest* pest hole on the face of the earth!
Kermit
Why not complain to the owner?
El Sleezo Cafe Owner
I *am* the owner.
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Kermit
Gee. A Studebaker. Where did you get it?
Fozzie
Oh, my uncle left it to me.
Kermit
Huh, is he dead?
Fozzie
No, he's hibernating.
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Miss Piggy
Kermie, whisper sweet nothings into my ear.
Kermit
Uh... motorcycle cop.
Miss Piggy
"Motorcycle cop" is a sweet nothing?
Kermit
A motorcycle cop is chasing us.
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Insolent Waiter
Not exactly. Sparkling Muscatel, one of the finest wines of Idaho.
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Kermit
It's too bad the dancing girls are on vacation; this crowd's getting ugly.
Fozzie
Huh. If you think this crowd's ugly, you should see the dancing girls.
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Kermit
[Movie stops after burning in projector lamp]
Hey, what happened?
The Swedish Chef
[In projector booth, covered in film]
Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee, burn-dee, flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip.
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Fozzie
There was this sailor who was so fat!
Sailor
How fat was he?
Sailor
[breaks bottle and points it towards him threateningly]
Fozzie
[Nervously]
Uh, he was so fat that everybody liked him and there was nothing funny about him at all.
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[Professor Max Krassman has just put Kermit in the electronic beanie]
Max Krassman
Say goodbye to your frog, pig!
Miss Piggy
Why should I?
Max Krassman
Because in 10 seconds, he won't know *you* from kosher bacon.
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The Swedish Chef
The flim is okee-dokee.
Kermit
Good, roll film.
The Swedish Chef
Flim is rooling!
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Rowlf the Dog
Oh. Broken heart, right?
Kermit
[sadly]
Does it show?
Rowlf the Dog
Listen, when you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star.
Kermit
Exactly. She just walked out on me.
Rowlf the Dog
Ah, typical. That's why I live alone.
Kermit
You do, huh?
Rowlf the Dog
You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed.
Kermit
Nice and simple.
Rowlf the Dog
Stay away from women. That's my motto.
Kermit
But I can't.
Rowlf the Dog
Neither can I. And that's my trouble.
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Doc Hopper
Max, I've done my best with that frog, now's the time to do my worst. Open the door.
Max
No, YOU open the door!
Doc Hopper
What?
Max
I'm through, Doc. The frog is right. You're asking him to do something terrible. I can't be a part of it. It's a moral decision and I'll stand by it.
Doc Hopper
I'll double your percentage.
Max
I'll open the door.
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Floyd Pepper
We am, is, are, and be, they whom as are known as: The Electric Mayhem!
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Kermit
Hey, Fozzie, look up ahead there.
Fozzie
What is that?
Kermit
Maybe we should give him a ride.
Fozzie
I don't know, he's pretty big.
Big Bird
Oh, no thanks. I'm on my way to New York City to try to break into public television.
Fozzie
Oh. Hm, good luck.
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Mad Man Mooney
Jack, get rid of this heap. Come out here!
Sweetums
What? What?
Mad Man Mooney
That's my jack.
Kermit
Oh, hi Jack!
Sweetums
Jack not name! Jack job!
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Kermit
[asks the waiter to taste the wine for him and Miss Piggy]
Will you taste it for us, please?
Kermit
[to Miss Piggy]
Should be, for ninety-five cents.
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Dr. Teeth
[reading the screenplay]
"Interior. Church. Day. Fozzie: 'They don't look like Presbyterians to me.'"
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Robin the Frog
Uncle Kermit, is this how the Muppets *really* got started?
Kermit
Well, it's sort of approximately how it happened.
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Kermit
You may serve us now, please.
Insolent Waiter
Oh... may I?
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Doc Hopper
[appearing from behind a billboard showing a bucket of "Doc Hopper's French Fried Frog Legs"]
Ha-ha-ha-haaa! You got the picture, boy! You see what I mean? Kermit *the* Frog, symbol of Doc Hopper's French Fried Frog Legs! Isn't that splendid? Just splendid! Just take a look at it.
Kermit
All I can see are millions of frogs on tiny crutches.
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Fozzie
Oh, I'm so nervous. If I'm not funny, I won't be able to live with myself.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Well, then you'll have to get another apartment, won't you?
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[Animal roars and scares Kermit and Fozzie]
Floyd Pepper
Oh, yeah, that's Animal. Show 'em what you do, Animal.
Animal
I want to - eat drums!
[chews on a cymbal]
Dr. Teeth
No, no. Beat drums, beat drums!
[Starts beating his head against that same cymbal]
Floyd Pepper
Down, Animal!
Animal
DOWN!
Floyd Pepper
Back!
Animal
BACK!
Floyd Pepper
Sit!
Animal
SIT!
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[turns around]
Miss Piggy
Watch it!
[Beaker beeps back hurriedly]
Kermit
[through his megaphone]
Miss Piggy, you look beautiful!
Miss Piggy
Thank you!
Kermit
[aside]
Hollywood talk.
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Fozzie
Hello, I'd like an ice cream.
Ice Cream Vendor
What do you want? Chocolate, vanilla, coffee, peach fudge, rum, banana?
Fozzie
Honey.
Ice Cream Vendor
Honey? I beg your pardon, I hardly know you.
Fozzie
Ahhhhhhhh! But seriously, I'd like a honey ice cream cone for me, and a dragonfly ripple for my friend the frog.
Ice Cream Vendor
OK.
[handing him the two ice cream cones]
Ice Cream Vendor
One honey cone for the bear.
Fozzie
Yeah.
Ice Cream Vendor
And one dragonfly ripple for the frog.
Fozzie
Yucha.
Ice Cream Vendor
Don't get 'em mixed up.
Fozzie
Gotcha.
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Kermit
[whispering]
This is the patriotic part.
Kermit
No.
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Fozzie
[after he's thrown behind the bar, he pops up wearing a beard and dressed like the bartender]
[Yelling]
Fozzie
Okay everybody, drinks on the house!
Male El Sleezo Patron
Hey, drinks on the house! C'mon let's go!
Fozzie
[as everyone but him and Kermit vacate the place] Yeah. Yeah. Go, go. They're on the house!
Male El Sleezo Patron
[Cut to the roof of the El Sleezo, where everyone else is now]
[Among the confusion and chatter of everyone else]
Male El Sleezo Patron
Wait a minute! There're no drinks up here! What's he talking about? The bartender told us there were drinks on the house!
Fozzie
[Cut back to the interior of the El Sleezo. After Fozzie removes the beard and moustache] Works every time.
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Charlie McCarthy
[to the audience]
You're not gonna believe who the winner is, folks.
Edgar Bergen
Oh, come now, Charlie, it's their movie.
Charlie McCarthy
Oh, so it is, yes.
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Kermit
[as he and the gang enter his office] Um, Mr. Lord, forgive the interruption, but I'm here to audition.
All Muppets
Yes! Yes!
Kermit
We've come over 2000 miles, and...
[Stops when Lew Lord turns around in his chair to face him, making him nervous now]
Kermit
Um... oh boy.
Miss Piggy
Kermie, we are all with you.
Kermit
Um, please sir, my name is Kermit the Frog, and we've read your ad, and, well, we've come to be rich and famous.
Lew Lord
[Has a brief staredown with Kermit, then into his intercom] Miss Tracy, prepare the standard 'Rich and Famous' contract for Kermit the Frog and Company.
[They all look stunned for a moment, then all the rest of the Muppets start cheering and celebrating behind Kermit, who just looks on shocked and starry-eyed]
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Floyd Pepper
What in the name of Fats Waller is that?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
A four foot prune!
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Kermit
[to audience]
I hope you appreciate that I'm doing all my own stunts.
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Max Krassman
It is important to remember that you have to hold on to your hat.
Doc Hopper
What for?
Max Krassman
When a German scientist tells you to hold on to your hat, it's not casual conversation. HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT! HAT! HOLD!
[Doc Hopper grabs his hat brim]
Max Krassman
Good.
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Kermit
What's happening?
Floyd Pepper
At the moment, *we're* what's happenin'.
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Miss Piggy
Oh Kermie, you were so courageous, so magnificent!
Kermit
Gee, I don't know what to say.
Fozzie
Say the bear was magnificent. After all, I did the driving.
Gonzo
And I took a hundred-foot belly flop onto a moving car!
Miss Piggy
Yes, but Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility of command!
Kermit
Gee.
Fozzie
Oh, brother.
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Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Oh, they'll work on anything, but the effect is, sadly, temporary.
Beaker
Sadly temporary.
[sighs]
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Dr. Teeth
It's the man with the badge, the PO-lice, the cops, the fuzz, the P-I-...
Miss Piggy
Don't you dare!
Dr. Teeth
I wouldn't think of it.
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Dr. Teeth
Too true. Too true. It is indeed a problem for us to 'probosculate' upon. But it seems to me the frog and the bear are temporarily out of service.
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Animal
IR-RI-TA-TED! IR-RI-TA-TED!
Kermit
Don't worry, Animal, your big scene is coming up.
Floyd Pepper
Yeah, just be cool and eat another seat cushion.
Animal
SEAT CUSHION!
[rips off some upholstery and stuffing at the corner of his chair and eats it]
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Kermit
That's Piggy!
Fozzie
Yes, I know!
Rowlf the Dog
Hey, you do think we should help her with her bags?
Fozzie
Aah, no.
[Everyone]
Fozzie
No, nah, un-uh.
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[faints]
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Doc Hopper
I'll be back later to pick up what's left of the frog.
Max Krassman
What's left of the frog? You can have everything - excuse the brain!
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Max Krassman
What the heck's going on here? A pig that goes bananas? What is this, a luau?
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Doc Hopper
Listen, we're a small business but we've expanded. Expanded! Just like you frogs expand. Don't you frogs expand?
[puffs his cheeks]
Kermit
That's a myth.
Doc Hopper
What?
Kermit
Myth! Myth!
Myth
Yeth?
Kermit
Huh?
[same with Fozzie]
Kermit
[to Fozzie]
Kermit
C'mon, bear, burn rubber!
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Insolent Waiter
Phone call for Kermit the Frog. You Kermit the Frog?
Kermit
Yeah.
Insolent Waiter
Phone.
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Floyd Pepper
Yeah, the road manager. We couldn't go anywhere without him.
Fozzie
He's the man with the contacts?
Dr. Teeth
No, he's the man with the van.
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Kermit
[watching Gonzo fly over the fair with a bunch of balloons]
Gonzo! What are you doing?
Gonzo
About seven knots!
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[repeated line]
Fozzie
No problem.
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[after Fozzie speeds off from the TV shop]
Doc Hopper
Max! Follow that frog!
[Max drives off leaving Doc Hopper behind]
Doc Hopper
[screaming]
Max!
[Max stops and reverses the car]
Doc Hopper
Follow that frog with *me* in the car!
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Dr. Teeth
Golden teeth and golden tones, welcome to my presence.
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Kermit
[singing]
I've heard it too many times to ignore it. It's something that I'm s'posed to be.
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Doc Hopper
[about Krassman's machine]
What does it do?
Max Krassman
What does it do? What does it do? It turns the brains into guacamole!
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Fozzie
I'm a professional. I've had three performances.
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El Sleezo Patron
Hello, sailor, buy me a drink?
Kermit
Well, you see, I'm not a sailor, I'm a frog.
El Sleezo Patron
Oh, cut the small talk and buy me a drink.
Kermit
I don't even know you.
El Sleezo Tough
Hey. Did you make a move with my girl?
Kermit
No, sir.
El Sleezo Patron
He did too. He touched me.
El Sleezo Tough
Ugh. Wash up, you'll get warts.
Kermit
That's a myth.
El Sleezo Tough
Yeah, but she's my "myth"!
Kermit
No, no, myth, myth!
Myth
Yeth?
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[the members of The Electric Mayhem are introducing themselves one by one]
Zoot
I'm, uh, uhh...
Floyd Pepper
Zoot. Sax is your axe. Uh-oh, Zoot skipped a groove again.
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Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Sound is ready. Gimme a level.
[we see Bunsen's headphones rattle repeatedly]
Animal
Ah-ha-ha-ha.
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[Doc Hopper is following Kermit and Fozzie in the rainbow disguised car]
Kermit
Fozzie, they're right behind us!
Fozzie
I know, I know.
Kermit
But Fozzie, how did they recognize us?
Fozzie
They recognized YOU. There's a hundred bears around.
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Fozzie
Kermit, where are we?
Kermit
[Looking at a map]
Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little black line here, and uh, just crossed that little red line over here.
Fozzie
[after taking his eyes off the road to focus on the map]
How about, let's take the blue line, huh?
Kermit
No, we can't take that, that's a river.
Fozzie
Oh. I knew that.
Kermit
Yeah sure.
Fozzie
Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and...
Kermit
[Cutting him off]
Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie?
Fozzie
Yeah?
Kermit
Who's driving?
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Kermit
[after Fozzie parks the car in front of a church and turns it off]
Boy, it feels like we've been driving for days.
Kermit
Yup. Me, too.
[Two seconds later Fozzie's head falls back, and he immediately starts snoring. Kermit jumps at that, then shrugs]
Kermit
[quietly]
Me, too.
[Drops his head back and settles in himself]
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Kermit
Frankly, Miss Piggy, I don't give a hoot.
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Dr. Teeth
[on reading "The Muppet Movie" sceenplay]
This is a narrative of very heavy-duty proportions.
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Kermit
That's enough of that, Harry!
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Crazy Harry
Crazy Harry plays with electricity! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA!
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Rowlf the Dog
Rolling! OK everybody, stay in focus.
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Beauty Contest Compere
And here she is folks, this year's Miss Bogen County: Misssss... Piggy!
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Doc Hopper
And remember, this frog does everything: he talks, he sings, he dances, he tells jokes, he even rides a bicycle. Max, find me a frog and a bear in a tan Studebaker.
Max
[Fozzie and Kermit appear in Fozzie's Studebaker, now rainbow-colored]
Gee, Doc, all I can see is a frog and a bear in a *rainbow*-colored Studebaker.
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Kermit
Oh, waiter...
Kermit
The uh, the wine, please.
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[explaining his machine]
Max Krassman
We take your friend, the little F-O-R-G, put him in the chair, clamp on the terminals, drop the electronic "yarmulke," and then throw what we call in German - THE SVITCH!
[laughs]
Max Krassman
Yes, my friend, soon it'll be a hot time in the old skull tonight!
[turns off the switch]
Max Krassman
Thank you, Herr Machine.
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[putting Kermit in the machine]
Max Krassman
Oh, will you stop whimpering? Go out like a frog, not a little toad. Okay, Herr Machine, this is big time! Ready to go to work? Hand clamps! Foot clamps!
[locks Kermit in]
Max Krassman
Ha, ha, ha, you can struggle all you want now, frog, it'll do you very little *good*! And now, it's time to drop the electronic beanie. Soon you'll have enough voltage coursing through your little frog brain to light up Cincinatti!
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Bernie the Agent
Help! Hello! This is a serious call for help!
Kermit
Uh, yeah?
Bernie the Agent
Someone - help! Ah - I, oh! Oh! You, you with the banjo - uh, can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction.
Kermit
Uh, have you tried Hare Krishna?
Bernie the Agent
[briefly laughs sarcastically]
No. No, I mean I'm really lost.
Kermit
Uh, one second.
[he tries to catch a fly with his tongue, but misses]
Kermit
Uh, darn I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog, his tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.
Bernie the Agent
Well, that's rough, I'm sorry about your tongue, but I have to get out of this swamp; I have to catch a plane.
Kermit
With *that* tongue? No way.
Bernie the Agent
[laughs]
Kermit
But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.
Bernie the Agent
Thank you.
Kermit
Just watch out for the alligators.
Bernie the Agent
I will.
[he starts to leave but turns back to Kermit, apprehensive]
Bernie the Agent
Alligators?
Kermit
That's right.
Bernie the Agent
Did you say alligators?
Kermit
Read my lips: al-lee-gay-twers.
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Doc Hopper
This is Snake Walker. Tell 'em what you do, Snake.
Frog Killer
[removes his sunglasses]
Kill frogs.
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Fozzie
[after Kermit has turned down Doc Hopper's offer]
Five hundred dollars? Would you consider a *bear* in a frog suit?
Kermit
Fozzie!
Fozzie
I'm sorry, sir, I just lost my head.
Doc Hopper
[as Kermit and Fozzie drive off]
Just a minute, Mr. Frog; everything's negotiable!
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[Kermit and the Muppets arrive in Hollywood and are entering Lew Lord's waiting room, heading straight for his office]
Miss Piggy
Oh, Kermie, look, it's wonderful. Like a dream come true.
Kermit
Well, don't count your tadpoles until they've hatched, I still have to audition, you know.
Floyd Pepper
Hey, there ain't nothin' to it but to do it!
Lord's Secretary
[after she tries to silently stop them, she pushes a button to close the door]
And where do you think you're going?
Kermit
[Pleasantly]
Oh, hi there. We're here to audition for Lew Lord.
Lord's Secretary
Well, you just can't walk in here off the street you know, especially with all these animals.
Kermit
Animals? Wh-What's wrong with animals?
[Muppets mutter indignantly but indistinctly as they move central to her desk]
[sneezes]
Lord's Secretary
... I'm allergic to animal hair. Now get along all of you.
Kermit
Now wait a second, miss. I may not be one of your fancy Hollywood frogs, but I deserve a chance, and we're going to stay right here in this office until you let us in to see Lew Lord. Aren't we, gang?
Kermit
[the Muppets shout "Yes" indistinctly]
We're just going to go sit right down over here and wait.
Kermit
[Turns on the fan in the office]
C'mon guys. Shake!
[the Muppets start shaking shake their fur]
Kermit
[as they're talking and shaking their dander at Miss Tracy]
I'm allergic to cats, myself.
[Meanwhile Miss Tracy is having such a sneezing fit she nearly passed out, and then reaches up to buzz the door open]
Kermit
[They proceed into Lew Lord's office]
Okay guys, way to go! Uh, thanks, Miss.
[She's laying in a heap just waving them through.]
Kermit
Well guys, this is it.
[the office door opens up and an angelic chorus sings.]
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Rowlf the Dog
[singing]
You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em. / There's something irresistible-ish about 'em. / We grin and bear it 'cause the nights are long. / I hope that something better comes along.
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Bernie
If you ever come out west to Hollywood, look me up: Bernie, the agent.
Kermit
Hey, listen, Bernie the Agent, why don't you say "hello" to Arnie the alligator?
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[repeated line]
Fozzie
Wacka, wacka.
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Dr. Teeth
[to Crazy Harry]
You know, I hear this movie's dynamite.
[Crazy Harry blows up a chair]
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Doc Hopper
Come back, you! No frog's gonna make a monkey out of me!
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Kermit
If that's not the kind of man you are... or... what I'm saying doesn't make any sense to you, well then... go ahead and kill me.
Doc Hopper
[takes off his hat and fluffs his hair; reluctantly]
All right boys. Kill him.
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El Sleezo Pianist
And now, filling in for the vacationing El Sleezo Dancing Girls, the funny, furry, fabulous - Fozzie Bear!
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Gonzo
All right, Camilla, I'll get you a balloon, but *you* have to pick the color: red or green?
Balloon Vendor
Can I give you a word of advice?
Gonzo
What?
Balloon Vendor
Why not take both?
[smiles encouragingly]
Balloon Vendor
Yeah, a beautiful chicken like that deserves two balloons.
Gonzo
You're right.
Balloon Vendor
I have guys come in all the time. Sometimes, they'll get a buncha balloons for their girls, and they go gaga for it.
Gonzo
Gaga? I'll take the whole bunch!
Camilla
Gaga! Gaga!
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Rowlf the Dog
ha ha!
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Sweetums
[trying to dash after the others, who are continuing on their way to Hollywood in Fozzie's new car]
Hey! Hey, where're you goin'? Hey! Wait for me! I wanna go to Hollywood! Hey, wait for me! C'mon, guys! Wait, please! I wanna go to Hollywood!
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Kermit
Well, I have a dream too, but it's about singing and dancing and making people happy. It's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with. And I found a whole group of friends who have the same dream, and that kind of makes us like a family. You have anybody like that, Hopper? I mean, once you get all those restaurants, who're you gonna share it with? Who are your friends, Doc? Those guys?
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Insolent Waiter
Miss Piggy? Miss Piggy! Are you Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy
Yes.
Insolent Waiter
Telephone.
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Kermit
Did we do something wrong, Officer?
All Muppets
[Shocked when it reveals that the police officer is Max]
Kermit
Okay, guys, let him explain.
Max
This whole disguise is only so that I can warn you.
Fozzie
Okay, sure, sure.
Max
I never thought Doc was going to hurt Kermit; I thought he was going to lean on him a little. But now he's got this frog killer in from the coast, And the man is DEADLY!
All Muppets
[Everybody gets shocked about the frog killer]
Kermit
Hold it, Dr. Teeth, What's up ahead?
Dr. Teeth
It's only an old ghost town.
Kermit
Right.
[to Max]
Kermit
Listen, you go back and tell Doc Hopper I'll be waiting for him there.
Max
What?
Fozzie
[as everybody get scared and concerned] Kermit! You'll get killed!
Kermit
Listen. Listen, guys, I can't spend my whole life running away from a bully. It's time for a showdown.
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Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
[as Kermit enters his and Beaker's lab at the ghost town]
Welcome to our laboratory.
[pause as Kermit looks up at their school clock, then starts touring their lab]
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Please don't touch anything.
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Janice
Drag city...
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Kermit
What do you think, Robin?
Robin the Frog
Uncle Kermit. I think you're a great actor.
Kermit
That wasn't acting that was real life.
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Marvin Suggs
Wonderful! It was a wonderful feature! I loved it!
Rowlf the Dog
Great! Great, great show. Huh, Beaker?
Beaker
Oh yeah! Me me me me.
Rowlf the Dog
Yeah, whatever.
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Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Sound is ready. Give me a level.
[this sound test surprises Bunsen as Animal laughs]
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Doc Hopper
Boys, this is Snake Walker. Tell 'em what you do, Snake.
Frog Killer
Kill frogs.
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Rowlf the Dog
[while he and the rest of the Muppets with Kermit are shaking their dander into a fan towards Miss Tracy, Lew Lords secretary, forcing her to sneeze convulsively due to her allergies until she collapses and lets them into Lord's office, he quips]
I'm allergic to cats myself.
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Gonzo
Oh, isn't this great. Here I am floating in space. Oh, this is the place to be. Whoopee!
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Dr. Teeth
Hey, hey hey! It's the man with the badge! Police, The Fuzz, The P.I... .
Miss Piggy
DON'T YOU DARE!
Dr. Teeth
I wasn't gonna think about it.
Kermit
Uh, Did we do something wrong, Officer?
[Everybody gets shocked when they found out that the police officer reveals to be Max]
Kermit
Okay, Guys. Let him explain.
Max
This whole disguise is only so that I can warn you.
Fozzie
Oh, Okay. Sure.
Max
I never though Doc is gonna hurt Kermit. I thought he's gonna lean on him a little. But now he has hired a frog killer in from the coast. And the man is DEADLY!
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Kermit
Fozzie?
Fozzie
Yes?
Kermit
Uh, bear left.
Fozzie
What?
Kermit
Bear left!
Fozzie
Right, frog.
Kermit
What?
Fozzie
Never mind.
Kermit
[sarcastically]
That's cute.
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Kermit
This guy's lost.
Waiter
Maybe you should try Hare Krishna.
Kermit
Good grief, it's a running gag.
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Miss Piggy
[after Miss Piggy and Kermit defeat and escape Max Krassman and his thugs]
Well, shall we go now, Kermie?
Kermit the Frog
[the pay phone rings near them, he goes and answers]
Just a second. Hello? Hmm.
[hands the receiver to her]
Kermit the Frog
Piggy, it's--it's your agent.
[She then clears her throat, then into phone with a serious tone]
Miss Piggy
Yeah, Morty, what do ya got?
[pause]
Miss Piggy
Commercial?
[Turns to look at Kermit then back to the phone]
Miss Piggy
How much?
[pause]
Miss Piggy
Mm-hmm. When?
[pause]
Miss Piggy
Take it.
[She hangs up and faces Kermit]
Miss Piggy
Ummmmmm... ..goodbye.
[She quickly takes off leaving him]
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Janice
Oh, wow.
Janice
Really. Oh, Animal.
Animal
WOMAN! WOMAN!
Janice
For sure.
Floyd Pepper
Come on, baby.
Janice
For sure.
Animal
For sure, really. For sure, really.
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Kermit
[annoyed]
Hopper, what's the matter with you? You're gonna crazy chasing me halfway across the country. Why are you doing this to me?
Doc Hopper
Cause all my life I wanted to own a thousand frog-leg restaurants... and you're the key, greenie.
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