A Fish Called Wanda 1988 - Movie Quotes

Wanda [after Otto breaks in on Wanda and Archie in Archie's flat and hangs him out the window] I was dealing with something delicate, Otto. I'm setting up a guy who's incredibly important to us, who's going to tell me where the loot is and if they're going to come and arrest you. And you come loping in like Rambo without a jockstrap and you dangle him out a fifth-floor window. Now, was that smart? Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics? Or was it stupid?

Otto West Don't call me stupid.

Wanda Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?

Otto West Apes don't read philosophy.

Wanda Yes they do, Otto. They just don't understand it. Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself." And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

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Otto You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole.

Archie How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?

Otto You are the vulgarian, you fuck.

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[Otto dangles Archie out a window]

Archie All right, all right, I apologise.

Otto You're really sorry.

Archie I'm really really sorry, I apologise unreservedly.

Otto You take it back.

Archie I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.

Otto OK.

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Ken Rev-enge!

Otto [laughing] It's K-K-K-Ken! C-c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me! How you gonna c-c-c-catch me, K-K-K-Ken?

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Otto [practicing his apology] Oh, I'm so very, very, very ssssssssssss... FUCK YOU!

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Otto You know your problem? You don't like winners.

Archie Winners?

Otto Yeah. Winners.

Archie Winners, like North Vietnam?

Otto Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie!

Archie [going into a cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' ya baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide REAL GOOD.

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Otto Don't call me stupid.

Wendy Why on earth not?

Otto Oh, you English are *so* superior, aren't you? Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what! So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.

Wendy Well, *thank* you for popping in and protecting us.

Otto If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking *German!* Singing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles..."

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Wanda I'm sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.

Ken Good.

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[repeated line]

Otto Asshole!

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Otto I'm, uh, Harvey. Manfred... jen... sen... den.

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Archie Your brother didn't bring you here this time, did he?

Wanda No.

Archie He's no idea?

Wanda He doesn't have a clue.

Archie What?

Wanda He's so dumb...

Archie Really?

Wanda ...he thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.

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Wanda What about my tits?

Otto Does he get to handle them?

Wanda Yes, he does. That's my forecast and I'll stand by it.

Otto Would this also involve... nuzzling?

Wanda Yes, I think three million dollars is worth a bit of nuzzling. Fifty percent chance of that.

Otto Sucking?

Wanda I thought you weren't jealous?

Otto I'm not. I don't believe in jealousy, it's for the weak. One thing though. Touch his dick and he's dead!

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Archie You make me feel free.

Wanda Free?

Archie Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone "Are you married?" and hearing "My wife left me this morning," or saying, uh, "Do you have children?" and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we'll all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know, we have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?

Wanda Yeah.

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Otto [puts a bag over Archie's head] Hello, Mr. Burglar! Going somewhere? Thought you could rob Mr. Leach, eh? Well, I'm going to teach you a lesson!

[kicks him in the stomach]

Otto He just happens to be a very good friend of mine!

Archie Otto! Otto! Otto!

Otto [comes back with a long-handled pan] And he's going to be very pleased with me to find you here, all tied up and ready for the police!

[knocks Archie out with a pan]

Otto And don't call me "Otto." To you, I am "Mr..."

[stops, lifts bag, sees it's Archie, screams]

Otto Oh, my God... Oh... Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[pats Archie's face]

Otto Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you. How could I know it was you? I mean, how could you expect me to guess? Stupid jerk! I mean, what the fuck were you doing *robbing* your *own house?*

[kicks Archie in the stomach]

Otto You asshole! You stupid, stiff, pompous, English...!

[screams and recoils]

Otto I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Uh... uh... yeah.

[runs]

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Otto I love watching your ass when you walk. Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him, he's mine.

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Otto West Look, you obviously don't know anything about intelligence work, lady. It's an X-K-Red-27 technique.

Wendy My father was in the Secret Service, Mr. Manfredjinsinjin, and I know perfectly well that you don't keep the general public informed when you are "debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house."

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[repeated line]

Otto Don't call me stupid!

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Otto You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're... smart, you've got wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly.

Ken What you...?

Otto We could have a lot of fun together, you and I. And I think we'd be really good for each other. What do you say?

Ken You must be j-j-j...

Otto May I kiss you, Ken?

[tries to kiss him]

Ken No, you fucking can't!

[runs away]

Otto Just a peck! No tongue!

Ken No, no!

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[Archie visits George, who is guarded by two policemen]

Archie We need to talk.

George You tell those pigs to fuck off.

Archie Fuck off, pigs.

[the two policemen don't move]

Archie Did you hear what I said? Fuck off!

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Wanda I looked at the clock... because I was saying to myself... It's five to seven, where could he be going with that sawed off shotgun?

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Otto Avoid the green ones. They're not ripe yet.

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Otto Ok... Ok... DISAPPOINTED. Son of a bitch. What do you have to do in this world to make people trust you?

Wanda Shut up.

Otto People are always taking advantage of me.

Wanda Shut up and think.

[Otto pulls out a silenced pistol and fires two shots at the safe]

Wanda What are you doing?

Otto I'm thinking.

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Otto I love robbing the English, they're so polite.

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[after steamrollering Otto]

Ken "K-k-k-k-Ken." You bastard. Hey, I've lost my stutter. It's gone. I can speak. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

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Airline Employee Aisle or window, smoking or non?

Otto What was the part in the middle?

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[Ken drives at Otto with a steamroller. Otto laughs, until he realizes his feet are trapped in cement, and his gun is empty]

Otto Ken! Ken! Wait, wait, Ken! Kenny! I... may I call you Kenny?

Ken Remember Wanda!

Otto I got the deal of a lifetime! Fifty-fifty, you and me, what do you say! Okay, okay, okay, sixty-forty! That's my final offer!

Ken REVENGE!

Otto Wait, I got an idea! You take it all! Yeah, here's my boarding pass, Ken!

Ken I'm gonna, I'm gonna k-ka, kill you!

Otto Okay, fine, Ken! Come at me, give me your best shot! Go on, Ken! You don't have the guts, admit it!

[the steamroller bears down on him]

Otto Okay, you have the guts, good... wait!

Ken Death!

Otto Okay, I'm-sorry-I-ate-your-fish, okay? I'm-sorry!

Ken Revenge!

Otto Jesus, I said I'm sorry! What the fu-?

[He goes under the steamroller]

Otto AAAAHHHH!

Ken Got him!

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[Archie has put his gun down to fist fight with Otto]

Archie I used to box for Oxford.

Otto Oh, yeah?

[Otto quickly picks up Archie's gun, and points it at him]

Otto I used to kill for the CIA.

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George [excited] Unbe-fucking-lievable!

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Portia What's happened?

Wendy Your father has finally gone completely mental.

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Otto What is this? "Hump a Limey" week, suddenly? Otto doesn't approve. Otto might get jealous.

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Wendy I have never been so humiliated in my life. You can stick this marriage right in your bottom!

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Otto I'm here because I'm bored. Bored hanging around this God-awful city. Shoving George's ugly pic... Talking to a lot of snotty, stuck up, intellectual British faggots. Jesus they're uptight they get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country, standing there with their hair clenched.

Otto [finds a letter from Archie to Wanda] Just, counting the seconds to the weekends so they can all dress up like ballerinas and whip themselves into a frenzy at the flat at 4. 2B St.

Otto [recovering] To be honest I hate them. I mean pretending they're so fucking lawyer.

Otto [recovering again] superior, so fucking superior with those phony accents.

Otto [Ken peeks in the room] Not you Ken, you have a beautiful speaking voice... when it works.

Otto [about Wanda] Son of a bitch!

Otto [to Wanda, loudly] So, wanna have some lunch?

Otto [quietly] Have you heard from him?

Wanda Who?

Otto Archie.

Wanda [loudly] No I have to finish my hair!

Wanda [quietly] No.

Otto Nothing?

Otto [loudly] Ok well I'm outta here!

Otto [quietly] No plans to see him?

Wanda No.

Wanda [loudly] Ok. Bye Bro.

Otto Bye Wanda!

[Punches Wanda's picture, hands it to Ken]

Otto Oh Sorry.

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Otto You really like animals don't you, Ken? What's the attraction.

Ken Well, you can t-t-trust them and they don't sh-sh-sh-sh

Otto Shit on you?

Ken Show off all the t-time.

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Wanda Let's make love.

Archie Well, if you absolutely insist...

Wanda No.

Archie What?

Wanda Here. On the rug.

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Wanda You just wanted to get me into bed.

Archie I fell in love with you.

Wanda How come you dumped me then.

Archie I wasn't rich enough, remember.

Wanda Say something in Russian.

Archie No.

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Otto Just go ahead, pork away, pal. Fuck her blue.

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Title Card [Epilogue: Archie and Wanda move to Rio, have 17 kids, and fund a leper colony. Ken becomes Master of Ceremonies at London Sea World. Otto emigrates to South Africa and becomes Minister of Justice]

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Wanda Archie? Do you speak Italian?

Archie I am Italian! Sono italiano in spirito. Ma ho sposato una donna che preferisce lavorare in giardino a fare l'amore appassionato. Uno sbaglio grande! But it's such an ugly language. How about... Russian?

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Otto [to Ken about Mrs Coady] What does he want you to do? Send her flowers? Do her shopping? Show her a good time? Rub her out? Rub her out?

Otto [gleefully] HE'S GOING TO KILL HER! HA HA HA!

Ken Shut up!

Otto [shows his gun to a group of onlookers] Fuck off or I'll kill you. LIMEY FRUITS! So the old lady's gonna m-m- meet with an accident, eh K-K-Ken?

Ken Shh!

[Otto laughs]

Ken What's - what's so funny?

Otto Nothing, it's just that wasting old ladies isn't NICE!

Ken [angrily] Well it's better than b-b-buggering people!

Otto I'll bet you a pound you don't kill her.

Ken Alright.

Otto Alright. I love watching your ass when you walk! Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him! He's mine! A pound says you won't kill her! Ha ha!

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Wanda I want you to know something Otto.

Otto What?

Wanda Even if you were my brother I'd still want to fuck you.

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Otto When you say "friendly", what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?

Wanda I don't know. Let's just see what happens.

Otto So, "friendly" might include actual... what, penetration?

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Otto Oh look, the Queen!

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Wanda Get the fuck out of here, Otto.

Otto Relax. I heard moaning; I was worried.

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Archie I Wendy- I Wanda- I wonder...

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Wanda What are you thinking, Archie?

Archie I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I should take you to South America with me.

Wanda How about... because I have the key to the safety deposit box?

[pause]

Archie That's a...

Wanda Wanda, Archie: ...good reason.

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Wanda What have you found out?

Otto Not a lot.

Wanda You realise he's in court tomorrow?

Otto I know. I know that!

Wanda So nothing, huh?

Otto Nix! Zip! Diddly! Bupkis!

[seductively]

Otto Niente!

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Archie [to Wanda] How could a bright and smart girl like you have a brother who is so...

Otto [coming between them] Don't call me stupid!

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Ken Otto t-t-tried to k-k-kiss me.

Wanda I thought he might.

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[Archie has put his gun down to fist fight with Otto]

Archie I used to box for Oxford.

Otto Oh, yeah? Well...

[Otto quickly picks up Archie's gun, and points it at him]

Otto ...I used to kill for the CIA.

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Archie You're going to shoot me?

Otto [in a pompous, English accent] Yep, 'fraid so, ol' chap! Sorry!

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Archie Be a good girl, now, or I'll break your neck, okay?

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Otto Shit! Fucking Limey cement.

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Otto So the old lady's gonna m-m-m-meet with an accident eh K-K-K-K-Ken?

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Wanda Like nobody lies in England. Like Margaret Thatcher never lies.

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Wanda I'll be right back, take your clothes off.

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Archie You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen... in my entire life.

Wanda Get me my drink.

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Otto You really like animals, don't you, Ken? What's the attraction?

Ken Because you can t-t-trust them, and they don't sh-sh-sh...

Otto Shit on you?

Ken Show off all the time.

Otto Know what Nietzsche said about them? He said they were God's second blunder.

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Otto Hello, K-K-K-Ken's p-p-pets!

[taps on fish tank]

Otto Wake up!

[beats the water with a scrub brush]

Otto Wake up Limey fish!

[to Wanda]

Otto So... how are you going to get friendly with this lawyer?

Wanda I don't know - I'll improvise.

[Otto gets fed up with the fish and tosses the scrub brush into the tank]

Otto Fucking insects!

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Otto [to Archie] You spineless bimbo.

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Wanda What about my tits?

Otto Does he get to handle them?

Wanda Yes. That's my forecast. I'll stand by that.

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Ken Otto! You owe me a pou-p-pou...

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Locksmith No... there are no numbers, no identifying marks of any kind.

Wanda But it is a safe deposit box key?

Locksmith Oh, yes. But it could be any one in England, there are millions of them. Hotels, banks, offices... I'm sorry.

Wanda [politely] Thank you.

[She gets up and heads for the door]

Wanda [under her breath] *Fuck*!

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Otto Let's get the diamonds!

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Otto The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip.

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[Archie is caught naked by a family. He stands there, mouth agape. Then he catches the gaze of the little girl, who sees his privates. He quickly covers them with a portrait of Mrs. Johnson, which offends the family even more]

Mr. Johnson What the hell are you doing?

Archie Leach I might ask you the same question!

Mr. Johnson Who are you?

Archie Leach What?

Mr. Johnson Get your clothes on!

Archie Leach Will you leave immediately, please?

Mr. Johnson What?

Archie Leach You're in the wrong flat. This flat belongs to Patrick Balfour, he's in Hong Kong and he lent me the key, now get out!

Mr. Johnson We leased it from the agents last weekend.

[Embarrassed silence from Archie]

Archie Leach Yes, well, obviously that, uh, changes things a bit. Um...

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Otto Well, Ken, I'm going to ask you some questions, while I eat my chips. First: Who was the philosopher who developed the concept of the superman in Also sprach Zarathustra?

[pause]

Otto No? That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid. Friedrich Nietzsche. Next: In which book did Nietzsche claim that almost all higher culture is based on cruelty?

[pause]

Otto Are you thinking or in mid-stutter?

Ken You're m-m-mad.

Otto Beyond Good and Evil. Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, huh, Ken? Okay. Um... Let me think, let me think. Um... Where are the diamonds?

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[repeated line]

Wendy Oh, do shut up, Portia!

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[Otto has just tried to woo Wanda by speaking mock Italian, she tells him to make the call to get rid of George, he does, but he continues speaking with an Italian accent]

Otto [Italian accent] Ah, yes, I wonder if you could put me through to the police, per favor.

Wanda [slaps him] Otto!

Otto Ah!

[pauses, then realizes he needs to put his serious face on]

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Otto [Imitating Italian] Pepperoni, linguine, primavera!

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Wanda When he learned that your daughter's name is Portia, he said "Why did they name her after a car?"

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Archie Are you totally deranged?

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Archie We're not allowed to speak.

Wanda We don't have to. I don't want you for your conversation.

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Otto That stutter's not getting any better, Ken. Have you thought about surgery?

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[Trying to get Ken to overcome his stutter to tell him where the diamonds are]

Archie Sing it. Sing!

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George That makes 13 millions, my friends.

Wanda Dollars or pounds?

George Pounds, pet. This is the big one.

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George So, next week, we won't have to look for work. And it won't have to look for us.

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Otto What was the middle thing?

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Wanda He's straight. He's kinda cute, too, in a pompous sort of way.

Otto Have you got the hots for him?

Wanda I'm not into necrophilia, thanks.

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Wanda Let's make love!

Archie Why not? Why not, indeed?

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Archie How was the show?

Portia Awful, Daddy. I've got to have a new horse.

Archie But I thought you liked Phantom.

Portia He's not fit for dog meat. Can I change him, please, Dad? It won't cost much.

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Otto West Hello, Ken. Wanda's told me a lot about you. Hey! Great fish! A squeeze of lemon, some tartare sauce - perfect!

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Archie Hello, Wendy. Had a good day?

Wendy I spend the morning *trying* to get a waste disposal man to come. Have lunch with Marjorie Brooks, who takes up the entirety complaining about her husband. Then I have to play three rubbers with Philippa Hunter. And I come back here and Sandersons have sent the wrong flowers.

Archie Oh, no!

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Otto Do you believe those Cockney klutzes bought our story? What morons!

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Portia Oh, it's too big!

Wendy No, it isn't, Portia.

Portia It's enormous!

Wendy No, it isn't!

Portia Oh, please, Mother!

Wendy No! Absolutely not!

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Wanda Oh, Archie. I didn't come here to talk about boring criminal procedures. Come on, you know! You knew the minute I walked in here. I want you.

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Wendy oodnight, Archie. Goodnight, Archie!

Archie Goodnight, Wanda.

Wendy Goodnight, who?

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Wanda Otto, what are you doing?

Otto It's a Buddhist meditation technique. It focuses your aggression. The monks used to do it before they went into battle.

Wanda What kind of Buddhism is this, Otto?

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Wanda Are you fucking crazy?

Otto Hey, I saved your ass.

Wanda I had him right where I wanted him, you asshole!

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Wendy No! Tell them they can't have it! You're the bloody barrister!

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Otto Hey, I'm merely curious. Me? Jealous of that fop?

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Wanda I'm thirsty.

Archie What shall I get you?

Wanda Whisky.

Archie You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life.

Wanda Get me my drink.

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Wanda [to Otto] You have just assaulted the one man who can keep you out of jail and make you rich. So what are you going to do about it, huh? What would an intellectual do? What would Plato do?

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Otto I've got a little time before my plane leaves and I'm longing to humiliate you.

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Otto You English! You think you're so superior, don't you? Well, you're the filth of the planet. A bunch of pompous, badly-dressed, poverty-stricken, sexually repressed, football hooligans. Goodbye, Archie.

Archie Well, at least we're not irretrievably vulgar.

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Otto It's K-K-Ken! C-c-coming to k-k-kill me. How are you going to c-c-catch me, K-K-Ken?

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Archie So, you robbed the jeweller's, turned one of your lovers over to the police, kept the other one to help you find the diamonds, and when he does, you commit perjury in high court. Right?

Wanda Come on, Archie. Everybody does it in America.

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Wanda Not here, Otto!

Otto Mozzarella - Parmigiana - Gorgonzola!

Wanda Otto, no!

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Archie Gorbachov. Glasnost.

Wanda Molotov.

Archie Blinis.

Wanda Lenin.

Archie Pushkin.

Wanda Chicken Kiev.

Archie Good. Dostoevsky.

Wanda Rubles.

Archie Vladivostok.

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Wanda Ciao, stupidissimo.

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Otto What do the English usually eat with chips to make them more interesting? Wait a moment! It's fish, isn't it?

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Wanda He's sure to get off now. Wow!

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Ken Something f-f-funny is going on.

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A Fish Called Wanda Movie Quotes