Crazy, Stupid, Love. Movie Quotes
Hannah
Will you take off your shirt... fuck! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped!
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Cal
I have loved her even when I hated her... only married couples'll understand that one...
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Jacob
Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?
Cal
No.
Jacob
Oh, ok. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.
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Hannah
Do you still find me attractive?
Jacob
Yes.
Hannah
Do you still want to take me home?
Jacob
Yeah.
Hannah
Let's go.
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Jacob
The war between the sexes is over. We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise.
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Cal
I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one... you never give up.
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Jacob
Let's talk about how many women you've been with.
Cal
Sexually?
Jacob
Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.
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Cal
[Jacob is standing naked in the men's locker room, legs spread apart]
Cal: Would you put on some clothes please?
Jacob
Jacob: Oh, I'm sorry. Is this bothering you?
Cal
Cal
[annoyed]
Cal
No! It's not!
Jacob
Jacob: Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem.
Cal
Cal: Okay. It bothers me.
Jacob
Jacob: I don't care.
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Liz
Your life is so PG-13.
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Hannah
I'm here to bang the hot guy who hit on me at the bar.
Jacob
Jacob.
Hannah
Jacob! Sorry, Jacob...
Jacob
Do people still say "bang"?
Hannah
I do. And we're gonna bang!
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Cal
Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced?
Cal's Boss
Amy heard you crying in the bathroom - we all thought it was cancer.
Cal
Oh...
Cal's Boss
Thank God, man... *laughing*
Cal
Yeah, just my relationship...
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Hannah
Take off your shirt.
Jacob
Why?
Hannah
Please can you take off your shirt, 'cause I can't stop thinking, and then you just...
Jacob
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Hannah
Alright, okay, okay, okay.
Hannah
Fuck! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped. Can I...?
[walks forward and touches Jacob's abs]
Jacob
Ahh! You have cold hands. Now you take off your dress.
Hannah
No.
Jacob
Yes.
Hannah
No way. Not with all of that going on. No, thank you. Is there dim lighting somewhere?
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Jacob
I'm going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea where you could have lost it?
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Kate
Tell her she's the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshole!
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Robbie
You wanna talk about The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty? All right. Well, the A they're both wearing - I think it stands for "asshole." Wanna know why? Because they fell in love and love is for stupid assholes. And this book is just about a bunch of assholes who fell in love, like assholes, then had to die, like assholes. I'm sorry about all the "assholes."
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Cal
I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car - I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates.
Emily
I miss you.
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Jacob
The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.
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Bernie Riley
Claire said I can't be friends with you anymore.
Cal
What?
Bernie Riley
She said we had to choose between you and Emily. I chose you. But she said no.
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Jacob
I don't know whether to help you or euthanize you.
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Kate
As you know Robbie's shining moment this year was when he set a school record for cursing in an eighth grade English class.
[gets up and writes on blackboard]
Kate
Asshole. You're familiar with that word, Mrs Weaver?
Emily
Yes, I am and I've spoken to the Principal...
Kate
Asshole. As in someone who tells a woman he'll call and never does. Asshole. As in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him but is actually full of shit, like the rest of them.
Kate
Asshole. Someone who allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes because he's nervous!
Emily
Ewww!
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Emily
When I told you when I had to work late? I really went to go see the new Twilight movie by myself, and it was so bad.
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Robbie
[in a text to Jessica]
Demi Moore is 15 years older than Ashton Kutcher. They seem happy together.
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Jacob
I'm wildly unhappy, and I'm trying to buy it, and it's not working.
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Robbie
If you love her, then go get her back.
Cal
Wow, how old are you?
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Jessica
I don't want your slutty money!
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Jessica
Whoa!
Jessica
I'm sorry, I should have knocked first.
Robbie
The thing is, I have a picture of you. I think about you while I'm doing it.
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Jacob
The bags under your eyes looks like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.
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Kate
What do you want to do with me?
Cal
I want to show you off to my ex-wife and make her really jealous!
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Jacob
Who looks like a carrot?
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Cal
[Jacob is standing naked in the men's locker room, legs spread apart]
Would you put on some clothes, please?
Jacob
Oh, I'm sorry. Is this bothering you?
Jacob
Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem.
Cal
Okay. It bothers me.
Jacob
I don't care.
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Kate
I'm five years sober asshole!
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Cal
I have purchased a firearm.
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Hannah
Liz, I'm studying.
Liz
You should be studying the ceiling of his bedroom is what you should be studying.
Hannah
I am eating a caramel apple.
Liz
[to a guy who is trying to approach her in the bar]
In what world, honey? Please, turn around. No.
Liz
[Back to Hannah]
Come on, take a break. It'll be good for you to get out. And by get out, I mean have hot guy from the bar knock you into his headboard until you see god.
Hannah
What is wrong with you?
Liz
You should be studying the gentle curve of his co...
Hannah
Okay, goodbye, Liz.
[Hangs up]
Liz
That too much? Hello?
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Cal
Let me get this straight. So you guys are a thing? You guys are a couple, right? You guys are together?
Hannah
Yeah. Yes.
Cal
No way. Break up right now.
Hannah
Daddy?
Jacob
Please don't call him that. Cal, that's not gonna happen.
Cal
Then I will mess you up!
Hannah
Dad!
Emily
Cal!
Jacob
Cal.
Robbie
Jessica?
Cal
Bernie?
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Jacob
Your kids miss you, Cal.
Cal
You're hanging around with my kids? That's great. You can teach Robbie how to objectify women. He'll love that.
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Cal
Okay. I'm having trouble understanding what's going on right now.
Hannah
Dad, this is Jacob, my boyfriend.
Cal
No, it's not.
Hannah
I was bringing him over to meet Mom.
Cal
No, no, no, no, no!
Emily
I wanna see the boyfriend.
Jacob
I can't breathe.
Emily
Please, can I take this off now?
Jacob
Cal, what are you doing with a daughter that's grown up?
Cal
I was 17, that's why we had to get married so young.
Jacob
That is something you should have told me.
Cal
You never wanted me talk about my children!
Molly
Um, I'm gonna go watch TV now.
Cal
Yeah, that's fine honey, why don't go do that?
Jacob
Yeah. Can I come?
Molly
No.
Hannah
So you guys, like, really know each other, then.
Emily
Oh, screw it! This is ridiculous!
[removes the blindfold; sees Jacob]
Emily
Oh Honey, he's really cute.
Cal
No, he's not.
Jacob
Look at you. I don't believe it, sister.
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Jacob
What do you mean "what's my move"?
Hannah
What's your move? What's your big move?
Jacob
I got lots of moves.
Hannah
What's your "big" move?
Jacob
I'm not telling you my big move.
Hannah
Tell me your move!
Jacob
You're not ready for the big move.
Hannah
Yes, I am! I want your big move!
Jacob
You can't handle the big move, trust me.
Jacob
I work "Dirty Dancing" into the conversation.
Hannah
Dirty Dancing?
Jacob
Can I sit down, please?
Hannah
Yeah.
Jacob
Can I put back on my shirt?
Hannah
No.
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Hannah
Why Dirty Dancing? What do we do? Do we watch it?
Jacob
Do you know the big move at the end of Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?
Hannah
Yeah.
Jacob
I can do that.
Hannah
Okay?
Jacob
So I tell girls I can do the move. I put on the song, "Time of Your Life", I do the big move and they always wanna have sex with me.
Jacob
I agree, but it works every time.
Hannah
That would not work on me!
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Cal
What's going on?
Jacob
What are you doing here?
Robbie
Hey, Nanna.
Hannah
Hi, Robbie.
Molly
Hey, Nanna.
Hannah
Hi, cutie.
Emily
Jacob, it's so nice to meet you. I've heard so many wonderful things about you from Nanna.
Jacob
I'm sorry, what's a Nanna?
Hannah
I'm a Nanna. You know, I couldn't say Hannah when I was little. How do you know my dad?
Emily
She couldn't say her H's at all.
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Emily
They're still making kids read "The Scarlet Letter", huh?
Robbie
Yep.
Emily
You'd think somebody would have written something better by now.
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Cal
I have children - plural. And my wife was cheating on me with David Lindhagen, which I wasn't supposed to tell you about either, but I did. Nice to meet you.
Kate
What were you supposed to tell me?
Cal
I don't know. I don't know. I was supposed to say that you are the perfect combination of sexy and cute, which is actually something that I used to say to my wife. But now it's become corrupted. And I have 18 layers of clothes on. I'm wearing a shirt and a tie, and a sweater, and a suede jacket that just seals in all the heat. Seals in all the juices. I'm just - it's all sweat under here. This is just sweat from here down. I'm - this - this sweater, this is called "slim cut", but it feels like a scuba suit. And I'm looking at your breasts. What's that about?
Kate
You think I', the perfect combination of sexy and cute?
Cal
That's what you picked up from what I just said?
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Robbie
I just figure: You like my dad. And in a few years, I'll look like him. I'll come for you then.
Jessica
That's not a bad plan.
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Jessica
Um, so my question, and I don't mean to be blunt or insulting, but let's just call it what it is. You're always sleeping with older guys, right?
Madison
Always.
Jessica
Yeah. Oh, um, so my question for you, Madison, is, um, how do you do that? I mean, like, how do you get them to see you as not just a kid in high school, you know? But, like, as someone that's mature, and that's old, and that's...
Madison
Well, first off, I have a huge rack.
Jessica
Uh, yes, you do.
Madison
You don't have a huge rack.
Jessica
No.
Madison
Wait, how old is he?
Jessica
Old.
Madison
Like really old?
Jessica
Like parent old.
Madison
Nasty, Jessica!
Jessica
Yeah, 'cause that's what I was thinking, right?
Madison
Oh, go -- rock on.
Jessica
Thank you.
Madison
You're s-- you are so dirty.
Jessica
Yes, I know.
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David Lindhagen
Hey, do you like sushi? 'Cause I know this really great little sushi place...
Emily
I don't eat sushi.
David Lindhagen
...that we're never gonna go to because I hate sushi.
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Liz
Hannah, look at you. Look at you.
[about Richard]
Liz
If you end up with that, what am I gonna end up with?
Hannah
Shut up!
Liz
That shit's depressing.
Hannah
Oh, come on!
Liz
All right. You know what? I have to -- I have to not big sister you. It's fine if -- Jesus, really? No. No. Not my life. Not my life. I'm going. Okay? So, uh, call me if you need anything. Bye.
Hannah
You are awful. Bye.
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David Lindhagen
So, Robbie, I hear you're quite the soccer player.
Robbie
So, David, I hear you broke up my parents' marriage. You are David Lindhaygen, right?
David Lindhagen
Lindhagen.
Robbie
Yeah. Here's the thing, Lindhaygen.
David Lindhagen
Hagen.
Robbie
Whatever. In the end, she winds up back with my dad. He's the better guy that you are, in every category. And she still loves him. He's not gonna give up on my mom, just like I'm not gonna stop sending Jessica text messages that make her feel uncomfortable.
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Jacob
What are you doing later?
Hip Hairdresser aka Tiffany
I don't know.
Jacob
I do.
Hip Hairdresser aka Tiffany
Do you?
Jacob
I know exactly what you're doing.
Cal
Seriously? Seriously? You ask her out like that?
Jacob
Yeah.
Cal
And that worked?
Jacob
Jacob, Hip Hairdresser aka Tiffany: Yeah.
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Emily
I am saving you from disaster because you're asking to pre-board the Titanic.
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Jacob
At the end of the night, what do I do? Do I ask them to come home with me?
Cal
No, you tell 'em to come home with you. They have no choice in the matter. It is your choice and they are so overjoyed to have had the opportunity to make sweet, sweet love to you. Oh my God! You did! You Miyagi'd me!
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David Lindhagen
I'm this accountant who's wakin' up every morning excited to go to work. And that just does not happen for accountants - ever. I - I checked with other accountants.
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