SholandaMy momma said my daddy's name was Black Dynamite.
BrickwillaSo did my momma!
Black DynamiteErr, uhh, hush up little girls. A lot of cats have that name.
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Black DynamiteYour knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only outmatched by your zest for kung-fu treachery!
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Gloria[after Dynamite kills a would-be assasin in a donut suit]How did you know?
Black DynamiteBecause donuts don't wear alligator shoes.
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Honey BeeBlack Dynamite, you ain't got to worry about Gloria. She gonna be safe in here. I been keeping the girls up on their kung fu like you told me to. Now, they find her up in here, we will fricassee they honky asses.
GloriaDynamite, are you sure about this? Maybe we should call the police.
Black DynamiteNo, Mama. You can bet your sweet ass and half a titty whoever put that hit on you already got the cops in their back pocket. You be cool, Mama. Bee here will keep you tight and out of sight. I'm gonna shake the tree from the roots and rake up the fruits, rip it up out of the ground, find out what's going down. Don't worry about tomorrow, Mama, because tonight...
EuphoriaDynamite's gonna make everything all right.
Black DynamiteEuphoria, shut the fuck up! I know that was you! I ain't even gotta look! I should send your ass back to Crenshaw Pete with his hot-ass coat hangers, bitch. Would you like that?
[Euphoria shakes her head in fear and walks away. There is a long silence between Black Dynamite and Gloria]
GloriaBlack Dynamite, I know that we just met, but somehow I feel that I can trust you. I'll be waiting here till you come to get me.
Black DynamiteYou be cool, Little Mama. I'll be back before too long.
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Black DynamiteFiendish Doctor Wu, you done fucked up now!
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BullhornMan, you guys ain't had no waffles like these. These waffles are so good, they're like they come from down South. These buttery motherfuckers will melt in your mouth. Man you ain't had no waffles...
Black DynamiteWait! Bullhorn, what did you just say? You said, 'Melts in your mouth'. Quick...
Black DynamiteNow take that, spell it backwards and drop the S.
Militant #3Snake doc. Snake doctor, yeah!
Black DynamiteYes. And brothers, who is the Greek Demigod of Medicine who believed that snakes' tongues had mystical healing powers?
Cream CornAesculapius, of course. He had a staff with snakes intertwining all around that bitch. They called it Aesculapius' staff. It's a symbol the medical field uses to this day.
Black DynamiteNow, what legend involving snakes is in both Greek and Roman mythology? Now, come on. It involves Aesculapius' own father.
Black ChickBlack Dynamite, that was the best loving I ever had.
White ChickMe too.
Asian ChickThat goes triple for me.
Black DynamiteShh. Mama, you're gonna wake up the rest of the bitches.
[Two more women are sleeping on the same bed]
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Black DynamiteYeah yeah, mama. Now you could hit the sheets or the streets, it don't make me no never mind. Now that's your bag baby, you can go, or you could come. Can you dig it?
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Black DynamiteScram. Scram! I said split! Shake the scene you turkeys! Get out of my house! I'll see you all tomorrow.
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BullhornOh, you's a corn-fed fool with a lot of muscle mass. But it's time for Bullhorn to get up in that ass!
[Bullhorn proceeds to land a chop on the thug, which is blocked. He then punches the thug in the midsection. He blocks a punch and slaps the thug in the face]
Thug #1[breaking character and becoming angry because he was actually slapped]Motherfucker!
[Scene cuts to a retake of the fight scene, only with the thug replaced with a stunt double. Bullhorn punches the thug in the face before landing multiple punches to the chest and a kick to the face]
BullhornLet everybody know and suckers be warned that this is the outcome when you mess with Bullhorn!
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BullhornYou know he came around here about a week ago, with some cats that I had never seen before. Man, I mean these cats looked mean! Meaner than two fat motherfuckers wrestling over pork chops and greens, can you dig it?
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Black DynamiteNow Aunt Billy, how many times have I told you not to call here and interrupt my Kung Fu!
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SaheedThat's right. Apollo slew the serpent at Delphi, which was a big-ass snake.
Black DynamiteAnd what, brothers, is the biggest snake in the world?
Black DynamiteListen sucka, I'm blacker than the ace of spades and more militant than you and your whole damn army put together. While you out there, chanting at rallies and brow-beating politicians, I'm taking out any money-fronting sucka on a humble that gets in my way. So I tell you what, when your so called revolution starts, you call me, and I'll be right down front showing you how it's done. But until then, you need to SHUT the FUCK UP when grown folks is talking.
Black DynamiteNo, doc, you help me just fine. See you next time.
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Black DynamiteI'd like to take the credit, but dig, mama, there's no "i" in "revolutio...", in "team."
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Black DynamiteI should have known it was you all the time. I should have asked myself, 'Who's the man so wicked, so cruel, that he could serve smack to the orphanage, kill my brother Jimmy, and put out a drug to shrink black men's dicks?' Only one man. That's you, Tricky Dick! So I'm here to deliver you one presidential ass-whupping!
Richard NixonBlack Dynamite, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for that...
[Nixon pulls his nunchucks out of a drawer and jumps on his desk]
Richard NixonShowtime, motherfucker! Fucking think you can fuck with me, Black Dynamite? Who the fuck would stop me, piece of shit?
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Black DynamiteAin't nothin' in the world get Black Dynamite more mad than some jive ass sucka dealin' smack to the kids!
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Aunt BillyYour mother would turn over in her grave if she were here to see this.
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Black DynamiteYou diabolical dick-shrinking motherfuckers!
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[Black Dynamite and his gang break into Gunsmoke's apartment and discover him in shock after seeing his penis shrunk]
Black DynamiteAnaconda Malt Liquor gives you a little dick! Should we kill him?
Bullhorn[Pulls out his gun and points it at Gunsmoke's penis]Man, do you want to live? I said, do you want to go on?
[Bullhorn shoots Gunsmoke's penis to end his misery]
BullhornMan, this time, these crackers have gone too far!
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Black Dynamite[after having a flashback of being teased as an orphan]No! Not the orphans!
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[Black Dynamite parks his car and enters his home. Inside, he stores his handgun on a bear statue wearing a holster before sitting down and reading a newspaper. Meanwhile, O'Leary and his men sneak into Black Dynamite's house from the back entrance towards the living room. They point their guns, only to see the bear statue sitting on the couch, wearing Black Dynamite's bathrobe. Black Dynamite appears on the other side of the room, pointing his gun at the agents]
O'LearyThe old 'pie in the windowsill' trick. I can't believe I fell for that. That was the same trick you used in 'Nam to save my ass. B.D. took our fatigues and put them on two dead gooks. I remember we circled back and turned the tables.
Black DynamiteI guess you forgot about the time you and Bravo company left my black ass for dead, huh? But I remember. I remember everything. I remember Vietnam like it was yesterday. I remember that village in Tainan that we cut down. It was a massacre. All the dead Chinamen we left in our tracks. I remember the faces, the children. This one child I'll never forget. Poor little bastard was still alive. His little Chinese legs were blown clean off! Still see his little shins & feet hanging from the ceiling fan across the hut. He was charred from his head down to his little Chinese knees. He tried to get up, but he fell over when what was left of his right leg broke off. As he laid there, flat on his face, he looked up at me. His little Chinese eyes burned right into my stomach, deep into my soul. He said something to me in Chinese like, 'Boo coo sow!', sounded like some cartoon shit. But I understood it to be a question that he was asking me. And I don't have to know how to speak Chinese to know what that question was. 'Why, Black Dynamite? Why?'
[Long pause]
O'LearyWe're a long way from 'Nam. Look at this place. It must have an eight-track player in every room. What's going on today is a smack problem of epic proportion. Corruption is running rampant and we don't know who to trust. We need you, Black Dynamite, now more than ever.
Black DynamiteI know I was the best CIA agent that the CIA ever had, but I thought I told you honkies from the CIA that Black Dynamite was out of the game.
Black DynamiteI've known you for a long time. And there's something you're not telling me.
O'LearyOkay. We heard about your brother's death. The last thing we need is you running through the streets creating a river of blood.
Black DynamiteTell me who did it and I'll just leave a puddle.
O'LearyWe don't know who killed Jimmy. But I do know this. You step out of line, friendship or not, and I'm gonna take you down. Because in case you forgot, when you left the agency, you relinquished your license to kill.
Black DynamiteWell, you do what you have to. Just don't get in my way.
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Cream CornYou know what don't make no sense is the service round this motherfucka! Bitch do you see us? I'd like two sausage links, two sausage patties, two hot dogs split down the middle twice, okay? Baloney, fry that into a dome, slice it, take a spatula, smush fry it, and one waffle please.
WaitressI can get you a waffle, but all we got is the chicken from last night. I can bring you some of that if you want some meat.
Black DynamiteSay, Mama, you're gonna have to work on your delivery if you wanna take on Congressman James. The shame is, half these people don't know what y'all talking about, but at least they can put his to a beat.
GloriaSo what do you do to make a difference? Do you march? Do you vote? Oh, let me guess. You're one of those Tom Slick brothers that think you can get by on good looks, a wink and a smile, huh?
Black DynamiteI don't know about Tom Slick, but thank you for the compliments.
GloriaThat's not what I meant. Not that I think you have good looks- I mean, you know these guys with their...
Black DynamiteYou right about that, sugar. You right about that.
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Black DynamiteFirst Lady, I'm sorry I pimp-slapped you into that china cabinet. I used excessive force. Oftentimes, I cross the line, but I try to do so in the name of what's right. Most of the time, the ends justifies the means. But in this case, I feel like I betrayed my own code of ethics. And for that, sugar, I apologize.
Patricia NixonBut I shot at you. I tried to kill you, Black Dynamite.
Black DynamiteThis is true, but you did not connect. You shot a plate. Had you connected, pimp-slapping you into that china cabinet might have been justified. But I feel I crossed the line. And for that, please accept my apology.
Patricia NixonI do. I do, it's just... oh, Black Dynamite, you're so righteous.
Black DynamiteThis is also true. Because whenever there's injustice,
Patricia Nixon[Tugging Black Dynamite's pants]Go on, honey.
Black Dynamite[Pulls out his handgun and points it straight ahead]Because whenever there's injustice, wrongs to be righted,
[as Gloria sits down, holding Black Dynamite's left leg]
Black Dynamiteinnocents to be defended, Black Dynamite will be there, delivering ass-whuppings. and I will not hesitate to lay the hammer down on any clown that comes around.
[Pulls out his nunchucks]
Black DynamiteBecause if they wanna fight, they best come see me, because I'm Black Dynamite.
[Pat Nixon proceeds to approach Black Dynamite and hold his right leg]
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OsirusPimpin' been around since the world started turning. And it's gonna keep right on turning right along with it. Until this little planet rotates off its axis as a result of it's core overheating and explodes into cosmic dust! Can you dig it?
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AfroditeyOoh, Black Dynamite, you came to see me!
Black DynamiteBitch, nah, I need to rap a piece with my man 'Horn. Tell you what, maybe when I'm done I'll throw you a piece right quick.
AfroditeyOut of sight! I get off in fifteen minutes.
Black DynamiteYou right about that, girl. You right about that.
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OrphanYou dealin', brotha? I need my smack and I need it now. Put a few of these honeys on the street, and I'll get you your bread brotha.
Black DynamiteI think you'll be safer if you stay here tonight.
GloriaOh, you do, do you? I hope you don't think you're going to get any of this cookie. Cause if I offered you some of this cookie, this cookie might kill you. And don't think that just because we've been frolicking in the park that you've got this deal closed. Cause it takes a lot...
Black DynamiteSee here. Now you can hit the sheets or the streets, it don't make me no nevermind. That's your bag baby. You can go, or you can come. Can you dig it?
[Cut to Black Dynamite's bedroom where he and Gloria have sex]
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[Captain Yancy arrives at a murder scene and discovers that the victim is Black Dynamite's brother Jimmy]
Captain YancyMy God, men. Do you know what this means? Do you know whose brother... ? This ghetto is gonna be turned upside-down, I tell you, upside-down. The streets are gonna run crimson with the blood of the men responsible for his brother's death. Man I'm speaking of is a veritable one-man army. And if you get on his bad side, brother, you're done for. It's only a matter of time before he finds out. And when he does, no matter where he is, get ready, gentlemen, because hell's a-coming. Coming, coming, coming...
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Patricia NixonTake your filthy black hands off the presidential dinnerware, you moon-cricket!
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[after Black Dynamite guns down O'Leary in the warehouse, Fiendish Dr. Wu tries to contact O'Leary on the radio]
Black Dynamite[Realizing that Cream Corn had warned Chicago Wind of his arrival]Cream Corn, you jive mother. Chicago Wind, I presume.
Chicago WindYour presumption is correct, nigga. If you presumed that I killed your brother Jimmy, then you presume wrong. Not that it means shit to me. Either way, shit. I wish I'd had killed that nigga myself. Somebody else beat me to it.
Black DynamiteIs that so? Well, Chicago Wind, what do you know about this?
[Black Dynamite pulls the bullet casing from his pocket and throws it to Chicago Wind]
[Chicago Wind throws the bullet casing back to Black Dynamite]
Chicago WindLet me explain something to you, supernigga. I don't answer questions. I ask them. Even if I did know who killed that brother of yours, what would make you think I'm gonna tell you? Get your black ass out of my joint before we beat you like a rented mule.
[Black Dynamite shakes his head in disapproval and walks away]
Thug #1That's right, you jive-ass punk. Don't be coming to the Hip Pocket talking that shit, you dig? That's right, nigga. Don't ever, ever come back...
[Black Dynamite turns the open/closed sign in front of the hall to closed and shuts the metal gates before throwing a couple of thugs out the window and fighting the rest of the gang]
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Chief[after being injected with a truth serum]You can't get me to talk..."Operation: Code Kansas"! Can't stop it, too late. "Operation: Code Kansas" is gonna fix all the niggas!
[laughs]
ChiefYeah, you won't be so big and so bad anymore. "Code Kansas" is gonna fix you!
[laughs]
ChiefJust the niggas! Just the nig...
[Freezes in place]
SaheedDamn, Smoke, I think you gave him too much of that shit.
BullhornMan! Them crackers gone be runnin' for cover, when us brothers get... get...
[sits down]
BullhornHmmm...
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Militant 2You know, when we get back home, I'm gonna retire from the revolution... start a family. Shows picture.
[holds up a small piece of paper]
Militant 2That's Betty Jo. Yeah... right on, yeah. Buy a home in the country. Raise our own fruits and vegetables! Bake our own bread, you know what I mean? Bake our own...
Black DynamiteWho saw that comin' -- uh, who saw where that came from?
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Honey BeeAin't nobody seen Pimpin' Jake for two days, and he ain't been by here with your money. And...
Black DynamiteI knew I forgot something. Tiny. Get Pimpin' Jake out of my trunk. Tell him the rest of my money by Wednesday or I'll make him stick himself. I'm sorry. Go on, Bee.
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MoSo how you do on that little midget girl you sent out?
[after the ghost of Abraham Lincoln knocks the gun off Richard Nixon's hand, Black Dynamite takes the president down with a foot sweep and pummels his face with a barrage of punches]
Black DynamiteWatch me, you little insecure cracker. You think by shrinking our johnsons, it's gonna make your situation any better? That's your problem, Tricky Dick. You are paranoid. Like sending those two-bit crooks to Watergate. For what? For these?
[Black Dynamite throws some photographs of Nixon tied up and engaged in an S&M session]
Black DynamiteNo. That's the easy way out for you. Now, unless you want the rest of this freaky shit to hit the news, I suggest you take good care of me and my people. Can you dig it?
Bullhorn[From trailer]If you crave satisfaction, then see this action! Guaranteed to put yo' ass in traction! Last, black, stack, attackin' mack. Back track, slap jack, boot black, flash back, ram sack, jam packin' and still comin' back!
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Black Dynamite[after shooting up his business]Sorry Roscoe.
RoscoeIt's cool man. Chili and donuts ain't working out for me no-how. Maybe it's time for a change.
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Black DynamiteAll right. What's wrong, Honey Bee? I've known you too long. Now, if something's bothering you, why don't you lay it on me?
Honey BeeBlack Dynamite, I got to go to the hospital. It's my little nephew Bucky. He OD'd.
Black DynamiteI'm gonna fight. The only way I know how. Ever since I was a boy, all I knew was how to fight. Fight, fight, fight. And when I got tired, I would fight some more. And now that the Man has got our backs to the wall, I ain't gonna let him hurt the kids. I'm gonna take him down. I'm gonna take them all down.
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Chocolate Giddy-UpI'm spendin' more bail money than I'm gettin' tail money.
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[From trailer]
BullhornHe drives a five thousand dollar car and wears a hundred dollar suit!
Black DynamiteO'Leary, you son of a bitch. I should've known it was you.
O'LearyYou should have. You were too busy saving your precious ghetto and trying to lay that orphan mama to not see what was in front of your face.
Black DynamiteYou diabolical dick-shrinking motherfuckers! You were the leak all the time. And I bet you were behind Jimmy's death.
O'LearyHey, man, I was just following orders. That's what a good soldier does, follow orders, unlike you. Everything's got to be done the Black Dynamite way. I gave the order on Jimmy! I gave it to James, who gave it to the Don. What good's it gonna do you now?
[Black Dynamite fakes a bullet hit to his right shoulder and falls to the ground. O'Leary looks up to see if there is a sniper above. Black Dynamite suddenly shoots him in the stomach]
O'LearyThe old birthday candle trick from 'Nam! Just when you think it's out...
[Slumps down dead]
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Fiendish Dr. WuYou should try the Wu family Red Silk kung fu.
[Fiendish Dr. Wu shows off his moves. Black Dynamite responds by showing off moves of his own]