Homeless Man
You got a dollar?
Buffy Gilmore
Get away from me, you bum.
Cindy Campbell
Buffy, can't you see he's hungry? Here you go, sir, a nice sandwich.
Homeless Man
I said a dollar, bitch.
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Cindy Campbell
I thought you loved me.
Bobby
Oh, I did, baby, I did. But being in abstinence makes you wonder new things about yourself. That's right Cindy, I'm gay. And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray.
Ray
What? I ain't gay!
Bobby
What are you talking about? You took me to that club.
Ray
So? They play good music.
Bobby
What about our trip to San Francisco?
Ray
I wanted to go shopping.
Ray
First of all, you sucked my...
Bobby
Whatever!
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Buffy Gilmore
Hey do you think the press is gonna wanna talk to us?
Brenda
Oh please. The press only wanna interview the most ignorant person they find.
Shorty
[Cut to Gail Haistorm interviewing Shorty about Drew Decker's death]
Shorty
I'm on T.V. Oh shit, first "Cops" now this. I'm gonna be a star, son.
Gail Hailstorm
So how close were you to the victim?
Shorty
Oh real close. Right 'til the roofies wore and she woke up. Then she was all talkin' 'bout pressing charges so I just pulled my tongue outta her ass and left.
Gail Hailstorm
If you could have spoken to her before she died what would your last words to her have been?
Shorty
Run bitch, run!
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1
The Killer
[rapping]
I'm gonna slash and gash, cut another hole in your ass. I spill blood on the walls, then play tennis with your balls. If the phone rings, don't answer the call. Gonna slit your throat, fuck you like a goat, peel your foreskin off and make a winter coat. Peace!
[camera pulls back to reveal all of Shorty's friends dead]
Shorty
Yo! That was the illest rhyme I ever seen!
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Cindy Campbell
You guys are psychos! You've watched too many TV shows!
Ray
No! Watching TV shows doesn't create psycho killers. Canceling TV shows does!
[while stabbing Bobby]
Ray
I mean the Wayans Brothers was a good show, man! It was a good show, but we've never even got a final episode!
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1
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[after hitting a fisherman crossing the road]
Cindy Campbell
We have to call the police!
Ray
No way! I ain't going to jail!
Greg
He's right! Cindy, do you know what they do to young boys in prison? All of those sex-starved convicts just waiting for a fresh piece of meat?
Ray
Hey, Cindy's right. Maybe we should call the police.
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Black TV Reporter
We're here reporting live for "Black T.V.", white folks are dead so we gettin' the fuck out of here.
[the "Black T.V." news crew jump into their van and are driven away at high speed]
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Brenda
Shorty, why you have to be so loud? And make sure you take your behind to class this time.
Shorty
I do be going to class.
Brenda
Lunch is not a class, Shorty.
Shorty
It is when you got the munchies!
Brenda
You a dumbass.
Shorty
Your Mother.
Brenda
You my Brother, that makes her your Mother too, jackass!
Shorty
Oh, well then your Father's stupid.
Brenda
So? I don't know him.
Shorty
Yeah, me either.
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Buffy Gilmore
Don't worry, Cindy! We'll pretend this never happened. You know, like the time we got drunk and went down on each other!
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The Killer
Hello, Shorty. What are you doing?
Shorty
Nothin. Just watching the game. Smokin some bud.
The Killer
Are you all alone?
Shorty's Roomate
[sticking out tongue]
WAZZZZUPPP!
Shorty
WAZZZUP!
[killer looks at phone]
Shorty
Yo, Dookie! Pick up the phone!
Dookie
Yo.
The Killer
WAZZZZUP!
Shorty
Shorty, The Killer, Shorty's Roomate, Dookie: WAZZZZZUPPP!
[Dookie and roommate hang up]
Shorty
What you doin my son?
The Killer
Nothing. Just chillin. Killin.
Shorty
True.
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Brenda
[Sucking the sauce off her fingers and screaming at the screen] Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Don't go in there!
[screams, scaring everyone in the theater]
Brenda
Woah-ho-ho-ho! Lord! I'mma have a heart attack! Oh, this is some scury shit! Hah! Oh I am scared! Oh-ho-ho!
Old Man
[annoyed] Excuse me?
Brenda
Uh ha... I think I paid my money like er'ybody else up in here!
[Watching the movie]
Brenda
That ain't no man! You can see her real hair right there!
Young Lady
[turning around] Do you mind?
Brenda
[sticking out her hand to the women's face] I know you better get outta my face! Outta my face! Outta my face! This is all me up in here! You handle 'dat!
Young Man
[shouting] Will you shut the fuck up!
Brenda
[takes out a camera] Um-umm! This movie is good!
[the Killer sits next to her, but she thinks it's Ray]
Brenda
Hey baby, you back just in tiiiime! She's about to get in on with Shake-a-speare! He found out she's a girl.
Young Man
Shut UP!
Brenda
[turns around with the camera pointing at the young man behind her] Yeah I got you! I got you on camera! You on candid camera now! You ain't know 'dat!
Brenda
[her cell phones rings and everyone groans as they know what is going to happen] Hello? Hey girl! Ah, I'm in the movies! Uh-huh, yeah Shake-a-speare in love! Ohh-ohh! You lying! You lying!
Young Man
For Christ's sake, will you just shut your trap!
Young Lady
Shut up!
Brenda
[to her friend on the phone] Hold on...
[to the audience of the movie theater]
Brenda
I don't know why ya'll is acting like this! My girlfriend already saw the movie and she says they don't even stay together in the end!
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1
The Killer
Do you know where I am?
[Feet are sticking out from behind couch, and are kicking up and down]
Cindy Campbell
Um, you're behind the couch, I can see your feet.
The Killer
Okay,okay close your eyes!
[Cindy closes her eyes, and the killer tries to hide under the carpet, but then goes behind the curtains]
The Killer
Now do you know where I am?
[Cindy opens her eyes]
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Heather
The First Amendment gives us the right to say what we want.
Teacher
Oh, shut the fuck up.
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The Killer
What's your favorite scary movie?
Drew Decker
Kazaam! You know, the one where Shaq plays a genie.
The Killer
That's not a horror movie.
Drew Decker
Yeah, well, you've never seen Shaq act.
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Shorty
Yo, man. It's like I seen all this shit before.
Cindy Campbell
They had a killer at you high school, Shorty?
Shorty
No, it was in that movie- Scream. Same dialogue everything. That shit is ill!
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Cindy Campbell
Someone murdered my friends!
Cindy's Dad
Yeah! And the sick bastard planted drugs all over the house!
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Deputy Doofy
Mom said that when I wear this badge you're supposed to treat me like a man of the law.
Buffy Gilmore
Yeah, and Mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner!
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Cindy Campbell
Ray, if you see Bobby, will you tell him that I love him?
Ray
Okay, if I see Bobby, I'll tell him I love him.
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Deputy Doofy
Special Officer Doofy reporting!
Policeman #1
Hey, Doofy! Smell my fingers!
Deputy Doofy
What's that?
Policeman #1
That's when you know you've become a man, Doofy.
Deputy Doofy
Hey, Terry! Smell my fingers!
Policeman #1
What the hell is that?
Deputy Doofy
My ass!
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[the guys picking up the dead guy's body]
Greg
I'll grab one arm.
Bobby
I'll grab the other arm.
Ray
I'll grab his ass.
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Buffy Gilmore
Oh my god, we hit a boot!
Greg
Where's the foot?
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Bobby
You hear? Drew got killed last night.
Ray
Wait, she had a brother right, Steve?
Bobby
Yeah.
Ray
Yeah? Long hair, pretty little mouth, perfect ass?
Bobby
Yep, that was her.
Ray
Nah, I'm talking about Steve. Whatever happened to him?
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Cindy Campbell
Why are you doing this?
Bobby
Why? Why? You hear that, Ray. I think she wants a motive.
Bobby
Did Scream have a plot?
Ray
No.
Bobby
Did I Know What You Did Last Summer make any sense? Don't think so. And what about the sequel? What the hell was with that fat, white Jamaican kid?
Ray
Oh, I want to kill that motherfucker.
Cindy Campbell
It was bad casting, Bobby.
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Brenda
Shorty, what are you doing driving? I know you ain't got no papers.
Shorty
I got papers, blunts, blongs, blokes, anything to make a high nigga pie!
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Cindy's Dad
Oh you are my little girl, I love you so much that I left you a little something in the coffee can. But you have to remember to step on it before you sell it. Now, what are you going to cut it with?
Cindy Campbell
Um... baking...
Cindy's Dad
Baking soda. Not baking powder. Because baking powder guys will have muffins growing out of their noses.
Cindy's Dad
You love that joke, honey. You've loved it since you were two years old.
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Drew Decker
What do you want?
The Killer
I wanna see what your insides look like.
Drew Decker
Then turn to page 54.
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Cindy's Dad
I thought I heard screaming in here!
Cindy Campbell
No, no daddy.
Cindy's Dad
No, Maybe it could have been the crack I smoked earlier.
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Shorty
Theres blood, guts and asses everywhere, someone's gone all crazy, son!
Bobby
We all go a little crazy sometimes.
[Bobby shoots Shorty in the chest]
Cindy Campbell
Bobby, no!
[Smoke is coming out of the wound]
Shorty
Wanna hit this shit?
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Cindy Campbell
Look, if it's about that time I puked green slime and masturbated with a crucifix, it was my first keg party, Bobby!
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Beauty Pageant MC
[singing]
Here she is. Miss Teen, she's so fine. Such lovely tits...
[Buffy rips the crown and flowers out of the previous winner's hands]
Buffy Gilmore
Give me my crown, bitch.
Beauty Pageant MC
[singing]
... and a great behind. There she is, doggy style anytime. And I'll do her behind behind and behind. Oh, there she is. She loves 69...
[a woman hurls a vase of flowers at Buffy, knocking her offstage]
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Gail Hailstorm
Is that drool?
Deputy Doofy
Yeah, I forgot to swallow.
Gail Hailstorm
Don't worry, because I never forget.
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Sheriff
How are you today Cindy?
Cindy Campbell
Good, officer, how are you?
Sheriff
Bloated, constipated, got a boil on my ass the size of a walnut - you know, the usual.
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[after Miss Mann's "secret" is apparent to Cindy]
Miss Mann
Sometimes we do things we're not so proud of. Some for money, others to gain the athletic edge on the competition. Sometimes those secrets come back to haunt us. Do you know what I mean?
Cindy Campbell
Yes I do, uh, Miss Mann. Thanks for ball - I mean all your help. I have to go to class.
Miss Mann
Anytime dear.
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Deputy Doofy
I go poopie.
Sheriff
Did you just say you went "poopie"?
Deputy Doofy
Yeah, it was good.
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Gail Hailstorm
Isn't Cindy Campbell's father a suspect?
Sheriff
That is classified information, where did you get this?
Gail Hailstorm
Sorry, but my information is strictly confidential shit.
[Doofy steps out]
Deputy Doofy
Hi Gail... Gail swallows.
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Deputy Doofy
I said, don't disturb me when I'm cleaning my room!
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Buffy Gilmore
Oh, look at me! I'm all dead!
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Cindy Campbell
What's wrong? Bobby, she's gone and she's not coming back.
Bobby
It's been over a year now, Cindy!
Cindy Campbell
But Ginger was such an important part of the Spice Girls.
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[a rabbi stabs Brenda with a knife]
Rabbi
You ruined Schindler's List!
[the Dalai Lama slashes her with a sword]
The Dalai Lama
Jackie Chan movies!
[Mother Theresa beats her with a loaf of bread]
Mother Theresa
Boogie Nights!
[the Pope stabs her with a giant scythe]
The Pope
And Big Momma's House!
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Drew Decker
[on the phone with killer]
Or else my boyfriend is gonna be here any minute. He's black and he'll kick your ass!
The Killer
You mean the one who wears makeup and dresses like a woman?
Drew Decker
How did you know?
The Killer
Turn the porch lights on.
Drew Decker
[Turns on the lights, to see a Prince look-alike tied up, screaming]
That's not my boyfriend. I mean, I fucked him a couple of times, but that's it.
The Killer
Go ahead, call the cops. But you might wanna check the back door first. You forgot to lock it.
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Miss Mann
The police have asked us to give you the following safety tips: Stay in well lit areas, never travel alone whenever possible, ALWAYS wipe front to back, and remember, never EVER believe someone when they tell you that shaving your pubic hair will rid you of crab infestation.
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Teacher
It's days like today that we need prayer in schools. It starts to unravel the very moral fabric of our society.
[coos at her baby]
Teacher
i'm just going to give you to your daddy
[passes baby to student on the first row. turns to another student]
Teacher
I will see *you* after class.
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Cindy Campbell
[before pushing a dead fisherman in the water]
Don't you think we should check his wallet first?
Buffy Gilmore
For what?
Brenda
Shit, he might have some money.
Brenda
Well, we already committed murder, we might as well rob his ass.
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Drew Decker
Oops, I farted. I didn't think you'd hear me.
The Killer
No... that popping noise...
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Gail Hailstorm
I'm Gail Hailstorm, author of "You're Dead, I'm Rich".
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[the killer attacks Heather, while Gail watches, recording]
Heather
Gail, please help me! Gail, please!
Gail Hailstorm
I'd like to help you out, kid, but it's sweeps!
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Cindy Campbell
Greg, you're not the only one who got one.
Greg
What do you mean, Bobby's got a baby-dick too?
Cindy Campbell
No, the note.
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Gail Hailstorm
Cindy, Cindy your ass looks fat!
[Cindy slaps Gail Hailstorm]
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Gail Hailstorm
I'm going to try and get a glimpse of Cindy Campbell, the young girl who was attacked earlier this evening... You're on my foot, fat shit!
Cameraman Kenny
Sorry, G...
Gail Hailstorm
What did I say?
Cameraman Kenny
Don't ever step on Gail's shoes.
Gail Hailstorm
Why not?
Cameraman Kenny
Because Gail wears Prada shoes.
Gail Hailstorm
You idiot.
Cameraman Kenny
I'm a bad man.
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Buffy Gilmore
Oh, is this the climax? Well, I hope you don't mind if I fake it!
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Brenda
I know you better get out of my face!
[Brenda does a hand gesture with her face]
Brenda
Out of my face! Out of my face!
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1
Gail Hailstorm
You don't get it? Well here's what you will get. (Hold up 1 finger)This little piggy went to the market (Hold up middle finger) This little piggy stayed home (points at cameraman) And if this fat little piggy doesn't role the goddamn camera (camera clicks on) - Gail Hailstorm!
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Gail Hailstorm
What can you tell us about the victim?
Shorty
Well, she had a phat ass! It was like BANG!
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Miss Mann
Come in, dear. Have a seat. Take off your bra if you like.
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[first lines]
Drew Decker
Who's this?
The Killer
Tell me your name and I'll tell you mine.
Drew Decker
I don't think so.
[farts]
The Killer
What's that noise?
Drew Decker
Oops, I farted. I didn't think you'd hear me.
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Gail Hailstorm
Heather, has it ever crossed your little mind that your boyfriend was probably murdered, and you're about to be slaughtered next?
Heather
Really? No Way!
Gail Hailstorm
Way.
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Bobby
I was, uh, home watching The Exorcist, and it got me thinking about you.
Cindy Campbell
If this is about the time I puked green slime and masturbated with a crucifix-- it was my first keg party, Bobby.
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Gail Hailstorm
Kenny, I know you're probably crappin' in a bag right now, but when I say 'quick', I want you to interpret that to mean 'move your plasma packin', I.V. draggin', bed-sore havin' fat ass... NOW!
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Bobby
That's very, uh, seventies of you.
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Gail Hailstorm
Chubzilla! Listen up!
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Suicidal Teacher
[yelling from atop school building] I'm gonna jump!
Male Teacher #1
Phil, get back in there!
Suicidal Teacher
No!
Male Teacher #2
What are you doing up there?
Female Teacher
Be reasonable!
Suicidal Teacher
I can't take this fucking job or those greasy shithead teenagers anymore! I'm gonna to end it all!
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Principal Squiggy
[to Cindy]
Now, Cindy, the sheriff has some questions he would like to ask you today.
Principal Squiggy
[sniffs]
I don't know.
Deputy Doofy
I go poopie.
Sheriff
Did you just say that you, uh, you went poopie?
Deputy Doofy
Yeah. It was good.
Sheriff
Hmm.
[to Squiggy]
Sheriff
Get him outta here.
Principal Squiggy
Yes.
[to Doofy]
Principal Squiggy
Thank you, Doofy.
Deputy Doofy
Okay.
Principal Squiggy
You should now go back to Special Ed.
Deputy Doofy
Okay. Salute.
[salutes to the Sheriff who salutes back]
Sheriff
Maybe a change of underwater, son
Cindy Campbell
Bye, Doofy.
Deputy Doofy
Bye, Cind
[Principal Squiggy takes him out of the office]
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Shorty
[looking at the camera]
Shit, son. Yo, what the deal? Yo, if y'all watchin' this tape right now, that means I didn't make it. Either I'm a prisoner, or worse, dead. But either way it goes, I'm gonna tell you all the rules to survive this situation. Rule number one: You gotta be quick. Rule number two: Don't fall down. And rule number three: Whatever you do, never look back. Y'all wish me luck.
[yells to his friends as he jumps away from the camera]
Shorty
Snatch and run, y'all!
[Shorty and his two friends snatch some snacks from the shelves of a store and run off]
Store Clerk
[shoots his pistol at Shorty and his friends]
Come back here, you motherfuckers! Son of a bitch!
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Shorty
[laughing] Shit, son! Yo, what the deal?
[serious]
Shorty
Yo, if y'all watchin' this tape right now, that means I didn't make it. Either I'm a prisoner or, worse, dead. But, either way it goes, I'mma tell y'all the rule to survive this situation. Rule number one: you gotta be quick. Rule number two: don't fall down. And rule number three: whatever you do, never look back. Y'all wish me luck.
[turns around]
Shorty
SNATCH AND RUN, Y'ALL!
[Shorty and his friends grab several items and run out of the store, while the store clerk reaches under the counter and pulls out a gun.]
Store Clerk
[shooting his gun] Come back here, you motherfuckers! Son of a bitch!
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Cindy Campbell
[crying] Why are you doing this, Bobby?
Bobby
Why? WHY? You hear that, Ray? I think she wants a motive. Did "Scream" have a plot?
Ray
No.
Bobby
Did "I Know What You Did Last Summer" make any sense? Don't think so! What the hell's with the sequel, huh? What the hell's with that fat, white Jamaican guy?
Ray
Ah, I want to kill that motherfucker, man.
Cindy Campbell
It's just bad casting, Bobby...
Bobby
How about this for a motive? Lack of sex. It can cause such deviant behavior.
Cindy Campbell
I thought you loved me.
Bobby
Oh, I did, baby, I did. But being in abstinence makes you discover new things about yourself. That's right, Cindy, I'm gay. And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray.
Ray
What? I ain't gay!
Bobby
What are you talking about? You took me to that club.
Ray
So? They play good music.
Bobby
Well, what about our trip to San Francisco, then?
Ray
I wanted to go shopping.
Bobby
[on the verge of tears] But... you made love to me.
Ray
No! First of all, you sucked my dick!
Bobby
Whatever, Ray! I don't want to talk about this now. The point is, Cindy, I'm a new man, and I'm ready to leave all this behind and start a new life.
Cindy Campbell
So you killed all your friends?
Bobby
Oh, no. Just you. And maybe Shorty, but that wasn't planned or anything. But here's the genius part. We're copycatting a serial killer that already exists. It's the perfect crime, Cindy.
Ray
But wait! There's more! Hang on to your seat, baby, 'cause this one's a screamer! I'll be back.
[Ray backs out of the kitchen in a spooky way]
Bobby
Uh-oh.
[Ray returns with Cindy's father bound and gagged with his pants down]
Ray
Move your big ass. Come on.
Cindy Campbell
Dad!
[Ray forces Mr. Campbell to the floor]
Cindy Campbell
What are you gonna do, frame him?
Ray
Nah. We're just havin' a little bit of fun with old daddio.
[Mr. Campbell mumbles something through his ball gag]
Bobby
The police are gonna find you and daddy both dead, and me and Ray are the only survivors of a maniac's revenge.
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Cindy Campbell
[runs into Ray] Oh my God! Ray, you gotta help me! Bobby's gone crazy!
Ray
[pulls out a voice changer]
[in a woman's voice]
Ray
Surprise...
[Ray smacks it]
Ray
[in killer's voice] Surprise, Cindy.
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2026, Croatia / USA / Czechia / France / Hungary / Belgium / Slovakia, Adventure, Animation, Comedy