Patrick "Kitten" Braden
If I wasn't a transvestite terrorist, would you marry me?
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Ma Braden
I'll walk you up and down the streets before the whole town in disgrace!
Young Patrick Braden
Promise?
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Hooker (Janet Moran)
Oi. You doing business, do it somewhere else, love. This pavement's got my name on it.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
And what, pray, is your name? Concrete?
Hooker (Janet Moran)
My name is scratch your eyes out, and bite your bleed'n nose off. Which is what I'll do if you don't get off my patch.
Mr. Silky String
She giving you trouble, sir?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Oh, no trouble at all. We were just exchanging names.
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Well, fuck me pink with a hairy arse!
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
The fantastic tale of Eily Bergen.
Bertie
I can't wait to hear the ending.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
But you haven't even heard the start.
Bertie
I can't wait to hear that either.
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Not many people can take the tale of Patrick Braden, aka St. Kitten, who strutted the catwalks, face lit by a halo of flashbulbs as "oh!" she shrieks, "I told you, from my best side darlings."
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Dear Sir Unseen, I know my music and I am willing to bet you ten times whatever pathetic price you paid to get in this place that the dog's tail is 'waggely.' Now I want to hear you bark.
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Mr. Silky String
And just who is this "Phantom Lady"?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Well, it's my mother really, I call her that... to pretend it's a story... that's happening to someone else, you see.
Mr. Silky String
Why do you pretend that?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Beacause otherwise I might cry and never stop.
Mr. Silky String
If you cried, I'd make you stop.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Oh, You would?... Oh how kind kind sir.
Mr. Silky String
Yes. I'd definitely make you stop.
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[Last lines]
Robin 1
She doesn't look anything like Mitzi Gaynor!
Robin 2
What do you know about Mitzi Gaynor?
Robin 1
Nothing. But as Oscar Wilde said, "I love to talk about nothing. It's the only thing I know anything about."
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
And the other thing about the Phantom Lady was, Bert, she realized, in the city that never sleeps...
Bertie
What did she realize, Kitten?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
That all the songs she'd listened to, all the love songs, that they were only songs.
Bertie
What's wrong with that?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Nothing, if you don't believe in them. But she did, you see. She believed in enchanted evenings, and she believed that a small cloud passed overhead and cried down on a flower bed, and she even believed there was breakfast to be had...
Bertie
Where?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
On Pluto. The mysterious, icy wastes of Pluto.
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Bertie
You know, Kitten, I made a decision a long time ago.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
What decision was that?
Bertie
That I wasn't destined for sentimental side of things. But if I ever did let myself fall for someone, I think it would be a girl like you.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Bertie, please, I have to stop you. There's something you should know.
Bertie
Or maybe what I should say is, it would be a girl not a million miles away from where I'm standing. What's the matter, Princess?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Well, you see, the thing is, Bertie, I'm not a girl.
Bertie
Oh, I knew that, Princess.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
You did?
Bertie
Of course. What I said was, it would be a girl like you.
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Billy Hatchett
[finding that Patrick has taken all of the guns]
Fuck. Don't you know what this means? Do-do you know what these guys are like, Paddy?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Don't let this come between us, Billy.
Billy Hatchett
Shut up! Jesus, what the fuck am I gonna do? Fucking Jesus!
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Tell them I was spring cleaning, darling.
Billy Hatchett
Where are they, Paddy? Tell me, where are they?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Now, what is this you mean, my darling?
Billy Hatchett
The guns, you little fucking whore! Where are they? The guns! It's all too fucking serious! Don't go fucking me around.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Oh, all of a sudden, everybody's getting serious! Serious, serious, serious.
Billy Hatchett
I'm not fucking joking, Patrick! Where are they?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
I told you to call me Kitten.
Billy Hatchett
Don't fucking know me. You don't know where I've gone. And if they come, if they fucking come, you tell them nothing. I mean nothing.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Whatever you say, darling.
Billy Hatchett
You're way out of your league, Patrick. You don't know what you're dealing with. Don't fucking know.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Oh, I do. I know, all right. I knew you were only joking about the roses... and the sweets, too, probably. But it was nice while it lasted.
[Hatchett drives off]
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
[when threatened by two IRA men]
Oh, come on then, just do it. I've nothing left to live for in this stupid serious world.
Horse Killane
Ah, fuck him. He's not worth a bullet, the mental nancy boy.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Why can't you be bothered killing nancy boys? You kill everyone else.
Jackie Timlin
I'm fucking warning you. Do you know what you're doing here? Are you on dope?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
I wish that I was, Mr. Killing Man. Why, do you have any?
Jackie Timlin
You're way out of your league, sunshine.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Not that again - "Out of your league., out of your league. Oh, you're in over your head, in over your head." Oh, for heaven's sake. Surely you've one bullet to spare between yous?
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
[voice over]
But did true love save Kitten from the hands of the beast, in that worst of all fairy tales? No. What saved Kitten was her precious perfume spray, bought for £2.99 in Roches Stores on Henry Street before she left her beloved Emerald Isle.
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1st Biker
When I ride my hog, you think I'm riding the road? No way, man. I'm travelling from the past into the future with a druid at my back.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Druid man or druid woman?
1st Biker
That doesn't matter. What matters is the journey. You know where it goes, baby?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Where?
1st Biker
We'll visit the stars and journey to Mars, finding our breakfast... on Pluto.
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Oh... I do believe I have a small elfin dwelling on Wimbledon Common.
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
I knew you were only joking about the roses. And the sweeties. But it was nice while it lasted.
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
But Micky is devious and no matter how much you tell him, he simply won't stay down!
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Charlie
You said it'd be a disaster, like you.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Worse, probably.
Charlie
But I love you, you fucking disaster.
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
John Joe! John Joe, woohoo! John Joe! Not a Womble anymore?
John Joe Kenny
Don't talk to me about fuckin' Wombles. I'm in the Tower of London now. 30 smackers in the paw, boy. No questions asked. They're looking for a Mary Queen of Scots. Would you be up for it?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
They'd chop my head off surely.
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Charlie
Saint Kitten?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Mm-hm. He or she was an acolyte of St. Patrick. Wore a dress. As did St. Patrick, actually - a hairy dress. Quite ruined her complexion.
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Oh serious, serious, serious!
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Bertie
Fantastic!
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2nd Biker
What do you see, bro?
Laurence
Sausages!
2nd Biker
No stars?
Laurence
Stars... and sausages!
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Father Liam
You have your mother's eyes. Do you know that, Patrick. The colour of the ocean beyond Rosses Point.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
You took her there?
Father Liam
Many times. Things... could have been so different...
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Ssh. Don't say anything. Because you know the strangest thing? I went looking for her. But I found you.
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[first lines]
Building Site Worker
You can throw a fast one. How about it, kitten? What's the chance of a bit tonight?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Oh, why, yes, of course, boys. I'll leave the front door open, and you can all troop in and give me a jab... Not up to it, then?
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Patricia Kitten, aka Deep Throat, had penetrated the deepest recesses of the Republican sphincter... with her secret anti-terrorist spray, named after Gabrielle Coco Chanel's lucky number.
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
I just want to belong. I'd be your best prisoner. I'd cook and I'd clean. And I'd sweep and I'd iron all the uniforms.
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Eily Bergin
Oh, I'm all wet, Father. What are you doing down there, Father? Are you playig squidgy with the Fairy Liquid?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
[voice over, while writing the essay about his conception as he imagines it in class]
But she was soon to realise it wasn't Fairy Liquid he'd been playing with down there.
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Irwin
I see four green fields. Brits in one of them. But not for fucking long.
1st Biker
No politics, man. Border Knights don't allow them. Jams the astral highway.
Irwin
So why do you cal yourself the Border Knights?
1st Biker
Because the only border that matters is the one between what's in front and what you've left behind.
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Charlie
What would it turn out like, Paddy? You know what I mean, don't you?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
It'd be an absolute disaster. Like me.
Nurse
Now... I want you to read this leaflet. It outlines all aspects of the termiation procedure.
Charlie
Termination? You mean this is an abortion clinic?
Nurse
Yes, of course it is.
Charlie
Oh. I thought it was a fertility clinic.
[gets up and leaves]
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Mrs. Clarke
Oh, Jesus Christ and his Holy Mother.
Solidarity Lady
Why doesn't the Bishop do something?
Ma Braden
Sure, the bishop we have isn't worth a damn.
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Eily Bergin
Oops. My skirt and housecoat are riding up. Better abort this task at once or we'll have an exploding clergyman filling the air with pent-up sexual energy. Oh, no! "Priest grows wings in latest miracle."
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Patrick "Kitten" Braden
If I volunteer, Irwin, can I have pink glasses, please?
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Mrs. Coyle
[in needlework class]
And they're for your sister, Patrick?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden
Mm-hm. She really needs a bit of glamour in her life, Mrs. Coyle. But then again... don't we all?
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