Shanghai Noon Movie Quotes
Roy O'Bannon
Ooooh... who's the pretty lady?
Chon Wang
That's my wife!
Roy O'Bannon
How long you been in this country?
Chon Wang
Four days.
Roy O'Bannon
Nice work.
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Chon Wang
See! I told you so!
Roy O'Bannon
No, you said "wet shirt don't break," not "piss shirt bend bar"!
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Medicine Man
Don't worry, it could be worse - he could be a white guy.
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[Reading a reward poster]
Roy O'Bannon
The Shanghai Kid. This is terrible!
Chon Wang
I know. I'm not from Shanghai.
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Marshal Nathan Van Cleef
Mighty impressive hardware you packin' there...
Roy O'Bannon
Why don't you get your eyes of my package, you twisted son of a bitch!
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[Watching the three Imperial Guards at sword practice]
Jedediah's wife
They're not like any Injuns I ever seen, Jedediah.
Jedediah
That's because they're not Injuns, woman. They're Jews!
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[in his head, trying to psych himself up before a duel]
Roy O'Bannon
C'mon Roy, you can do it! Ah, no you can't, he's gonna kill ya.
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Roy O'Bannon
Alright, pay attention because I don't want any mistakes.
[displays a childlike diagram]
Roy O'Bannon
I've calculated the speed of the train and the speed of our horses. We meet at this vector; the only variable is the wind. Technically, if you travel...
Blue
Is this the train?
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Roy O'Bannon
I *am* like a wild horse. You can't tame me. You put the oats in the pen, though, and I'll come in for a nibble every day. But the minute you shut that gate, I'll jump the fence and you'll never see me again.
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Chon Wang
Hi, horsey!
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Roy O'Bannon
Yes, John, I've heard all about the Emperor. Must be one hell of a man.
Chon Wang
He's only twelve.
Roy O'Bannon
Are you kidding me? You're sitting here, waiting to die for someone whose balls haven't even dropped?
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Roy O'Bannon
I don't know karate, but I know kar-azy, and I will use it!
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Chon Wang
...Howdy... partner?
Roy O'Bannon
Say it a little faster than that or people'll think you're slow in the head.
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Chon Wang
Let me out! Give me the book back! I have to go to Carson City to rescue the Princess! You've got the wrong person, I don't belong here!
[yells in Chinese]
Roy O'Bannon
[sarcastically]
Keep going with the Chinese, I think that's working. I think they're just about to let you out.
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Marshal Nathan Van Cleef
How about that? It's a Mexican standoff. Only we ain't got no Mexicans.
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Chon Wang
How do I look?
Roy O'Bannon
I think you look great! I think you look like a real cowboy. Very dapper - red bandana.
[holding out his hand]
Roy O'Bannon
Roy O'Bannon.
Roy O'Bannon
John Wayne?
Chon Wang
Chon Wang.
Roy O'Bannon
That's a terrible cowboy name!
Chon Wang
Why?
Roy O'Bannon
No, come on. That's not gonna work. That's horrible; that's so bad! And so's the ponytail!
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Chon Wang
This is the West, not the East. The sun may rise where we come from... but here is where it sets.
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[they both hide behind pillars, Roy shoots blindly]
Roy O'Bannon
Did I hit you?
Roy O'Bannon
You've almost killed me like seventeen times already!
[Marshall Van Cleef fires three more shots]
Roy O'Bannon
Eighteen, nineteen, twenty! You're on fire today!
[Roy fires another round of shots, way off]
Marshal Nathan Van Cleef
How do you survive out here?
Roy O'Bannon
What's that supposed to mean?
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[about Wallace]
Roy O'Bannon
Where did you get this guy?
Blue
Texas.
Roy O'Bannon
Texas?
[slaps him]
Roy O'Bannon
Are you insane?
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Roy O'Bannon
So who are you?
Chon Wang
I'm an Imperial Guard to the Emperor of China.
Roy O'Bannon
China... what's with the book?
Chon Wang
The book belongs to Princess Pei Pei. She was kidnapped from the Forbidden City.
Roy O'Bannon
I like that, Forbidden City, a princess, kidnapped! It's so mysterious.
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Chon Wang
I got an idea: why don't I pretend I'm sick, and then you can attack the guard when they come in?
Roy O'Bannon
Oh, you mean the sick prisoner routine? Does that still work in China? 'Cause here it's sorta been done to death.
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Princess Pei Pei
Father, is this my husband-to-be? He's a toad. If the Emperor is so fond of him, why doesn't he marry him?
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Roy O'Bannon
I feel like there's this gap between us. It's like I'm a cowboy, you're an Indian. You say wampum, I say money. It is so important, I just think that...
Falling Leaves
[kisses Roy]
Shut up, Roy. You talk too much.
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Roy O'Bannon
I am invincible...
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Sioux Chief
Daughter, husbands like Man-Who-Fights-in-Dress don't come along every day.
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Roy O'Bannon
First time you ever see an outlaw?
[Pretty victim nods]
Roy O'Bannon
Scared? Kind of excited, too? All mixed up? Yeah. Last train we robbed we were naked it was so hot out.
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Roy O'Bannon
What are you doing here? I thought you were going to Carson City.
Roy O'Bannon
No, I gave you *wrong* directions.
[holds up Chon's chopsticks]
Roy O'Bannon
You want your toothpicks back?
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Roy O'Bannon
I'm so lost, Chon. Ninety percent of the time I don't even know what I'm doing out here in the West.
Chon Wang
No, you're a good outlaw.
Roy O'Bannon
Stop, please. I'm a screw-up.
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Roy O'Bannon
Is that her? She's pretty! Grab her!
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Chon Wang
We stick together. We are partners.
Roy O'Bannon
That's beautiful.
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Roy O'Bannon
Come on. We're men, we're not pinatas!
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Chon Wang
What happened?
Roy O'Bannon
Oh nothing I just killed him, how'd you do?
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Medicine Man
[on Peace Pipe]
This is some pretty powerful shit.
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Imperial Guard
Chon Wang!
Roy O'Bannon
That's right, Johnny Wayne's here.
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Roy O'Bannon
You blew it. Whoo, you blew it, man. You did not want to cut his hair off, trust me.
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Roy O'Bannon
Maybe we should let bygones be bygones. You got off some good shots, I got off some good ones. Let's call it a tie.
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Wallace
Reach for the sky, O'Bannon, ha ha!
Roy O'Bannon
That's my line. He stole my gang, he's stealing my lines. It's unbelievable!
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Roy O'Bannon
There's more to life than money. I hope you learn that one day.
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[Roy, an incredibly bad shot, has just hit Van Cleef square in the chest]
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Chon Wang
You killed my uncle!
Roy O'Bannon
Bull! That was Wallace! All the way!
Chon Wang
He was one of your bandits.
Roy O'Bannon
He wasn't part of my gang! He was a new guy! And he's crazy as a road lizard!
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[Roy is watching Chon attempt to saddle his horse. The horse keeps pulling the saddle blanket off before Chon can get the saddle on]
Roy O'Bannon
Well, best of luck to you. Guess this is what your people call "sayanora." Looks like Fido's giving you some problems there. You want me to, uh, give you a hand?
Chon Wang
No, I can do it.
Roy O'Bannon
*Sure* you can. H-How is a greenhorn like you gonna make it to Carson City and rescue this princess?
["Fido" pulls the saddle blanket off again. Roy sighs]
Roy O'Bannon
Stop, stop, stop, stop. I can't take it any more. Watch me do it.
[He takes the saddle blanket]
Roy O'Bannon
You get it like this and you put it up high
[demonstrates]
Roy O'Bannon
. See, it'll drift back when you're riding.
[pause]
Roy O'Bannon
All right, I'll do it.
Chon Wang
Do what?
Roy O'Bannon
Take you to Carson City, help you rescue Princess Pee Pee.
Chon Wang
Pei Pei! You do not care about the princess.
Roy O'Bannon
You don't know me very well, do you? Tell you one thing: I hate to think of an innocent member of Chinese nobility suffering, I'll tell you that.
[pause]
Roy O'Bannon
You people believe in Karma over there, right? Well I've been thinking... there must be a reason why we keep running into each other. Now I've ridden with some terrible men, just people I couldn't trust, but when I look at you, there's something different about you. And I can see it, I can see it in your eyes. It's what the Indians call... chipichawa.
Chon Wang
What's that?
Roy O'Bannon
Chipichawa is nobility. And you have it, in spades. You got yourself a partner, and this has nothing to do with gold, okay?
[Spits in his hand and offers it to Chon]
Roy O'Bannon
Shake on it.
Chon Wang
Why are you spitting in your hand?
Roy O'Bannon
Well, it's, uh, customary to seal the deal. Come on, let's go
[Chon spits into Roy's hand]
Roy O'Bannon
. No, you -
[wipes of his hand on his shirt]
Roy O'Bannon
this is going to be a long journey.
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Roy O'Bannon
You gotta be able to laugh at stuff like that. Like me in the desert. I don't hold any grudges; I laugh about it. I'm not angry at you. You just left me there with chopsticks to die. Roy, all by his lonesome, just me and the buzzards, pickin' at my head... You're a very silent man, aren't you?
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Princess Pei Pei
Whatever you think I'm going to do for you, you're wrong.
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Roy O'Bannon
Reach for the sky ladies and gentle...
Wallace
Touch that gun and I'll blow your goddamn head off!
Roy O'Bannon
What are you doing? No, no, I sorta like to be the only guy that talks, alright?
Wallace
Okay, sorry.
Roy O'Bannon
[aside to Blue]
Why's the new guy talking? Where did you get this guy? I'm the only one who talks!
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Chon Wang
He took the gold.
Roy O'Bannon
Is that all you care about, the gold? Shame on you.
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Imperial Guard
On the battlefield, a soldier can't always obey the General's orders.
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[Chon gives Roy a pair of chopsticks to dig with]
Chon Wang
Dig.
Roy O'Bannon
Hey!
Chon Wang
Don't talk. Just dig.
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Roy O'Bannon
Holy crap, the vultures are eating my head!
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Roy O'Bannon
[Looking at the bullet holes in his robe]
It's a miracle. I am invincible. Roy! Invincible!
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Roy O'Bannon
Just relax.
[Chon glowers menacingly]
Roy O'Bannon
Is that relaxed? You look sort of rigid there.
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Chon Wang
Never touch my queue.
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Roy O'Bannon
The thing about your husband, and this is nothing against him, I mean I really like him, but...
[lowering his voice]
Roy O'Bannon
he comes from a very male dominated society.
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Marshal Nathan Van Cleef
That's the general idea.
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Marshal Nathan Van Cleef
Why don't you turn and face me like a man?
Roy O'Bannon
Why don't you do it your way and I'll do it my way?
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[Chon Wang pees on a shirt, planning to use it to bend the jail bars]
Roy O'Bannon
Okay, I like your energy but I'm not with you...
Chon Wang
When the shirt gets wet, it doesn't break.
Roy O'Bannon
...I don't know what that means.
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[after dropping off the Imperial guardsmen]
Jedediah
Shalom!
[confused, the Imperial Guard return the gesture]
Imperial Guard
Shalom.
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Chon Wang
Fight with honor. You will win.
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Chon Wang
What happened my horse? Is he dead?
Roy O'Bannon
No, but we are, Chon.
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[going to blow up the safe]
Roy O'Bannon
Here give me the dynamite.
[Big does and then starts to follow]
Roy O'Bannon
No. No. You stay here! You don't get to do it.
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Roy O'Bannon
Now I'm gonna have to get rid of my outlaw name, it just won't work anymore. My real name's Wyatt Earp.
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Wallace
I was just winging it!
Roy O'Bannon
What? No! That's not how we wing it! You've lost your 'winging it' privileges!
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Roy O'Bannon
You blew it, John! Never interrupt a man in the middle of a duel! I had 'im! That's what gets me: I had 'im! I had 'im!
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Lo Fong
One thing about the Chinese, Mr. Andrews. We do not renegotiate.
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Wallace
[When the safe blows out of the train, Wallace says to Roy]
Roy, he just blew the shit out of our fruits.
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Roy O'Bannon
Reach for the sky, Baldy!
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Roy O'Bannon
Come on out, Little Roy. Work your magic.
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Roy O'Bannon
A 2000-year-old civilization and that's the best you can come up with? Shame on you. Shame on you!
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Roy O'Bannon
Let me put it this way. My horse is definitely not my best friend.
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[as Roy and Chon are about to be strung up]
Carson City Hangman
Nothing personal, boys.
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Roy O'Bannon
These guns are really weird.
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Chon Wang
This is the West... not the East. And the sun... may rise where we come from... but here is where it sets.
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Lo Fong
Welcome to America, Princess.
Lo Fong
[nods]
Forgive me if I do not bow.
Princess Pei Pei
Calvin, this man is a trai--
[turns to face Andrews; who smirks]
Princess Pei Pei
Traitor.
Andrews
[scoffs]
Why? Because he ran away from the Forbidden City?
[Pei Pei glances back at Lo Fong, then slaps Andrews' cheek; Andrews grabs her and forces her onto a chair]
Lo Fong
Your reward is on the table, Mr. Andrews.
[Andrews goes to the table, picks up one of four wads of money and ruffles it before aiming a gun at Lo Fong]
Andrews
Well, now you're gonna have to double it, or I'm gonna kill her.
[aims at Pei Pei, who stands up]
Lo Fong
[takes an oyster and approaches Andrews]
One thing about the Chinese, Mr. Andrews...
[slurps his oyster, then breaks Andrews' wrist before clutching his throat]
Lo Fong
We do not renegotiate.
[chokes Andrews to death and drops his body, then looks into Pei Pei's eyes]
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[Chon and Roy are in jail]
Roy O'Bannon
You're not *in* the East, OK? You're not in China! This is the West! The sun doesn't rise here! It *sets* here! And you're closer to getting us *hung* than you are to getting that book back, OK?
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