Sir Alexander Dane
By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Worvan, you shall be avenged.
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Gwen DeMarco
Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy.
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Voice of Computer
Negative, there is no replacement Beryllium Sphere on board.
Tommy Webber
You know, that is really getting annoying!
Gwen DeMarco
[shouts]
Look! I have one job on this lousy ship, it's *stupid*, but I'm gonna do it! Okay?
Tommy Webber
Sure, no problem.
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Gwen DeMarco
Whoever wrote this episode should DIE.
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[Quellek has been shot, and is dying. Alexander rushes to him]
Sir Alexander Dane
Quellek?
[sees Quellek's wound]
Sir Alexander Dane
That's not too bad. We'll get you to the medical quarters, and you'll be fine.
Quellek
It has been my greatest pleasure to serve with you. I have been blessed, Sir. I... I... I...
Sir Alexander Dane
Don't speak, Quellek.
Quellek
You'll forgive my impertinence, Sir, but even though we have never before met, I have always considered you as a father to me.
Sir Alexander Dane
Quellek... by Grabthar's hammer... by the Suns of Worvan... you shall be... avenged.
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Jason Nesmith
Never give up. Never surrender.
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[Gwen and Jason encounter the chompers]
Gwen DeMarco
What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway. No, I mean we shouldn't have to do this, it makes no logical sense, why is it here?
Jason Nesmith
'Cause it's on the television show.
Gwen DeMarco
Well forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was badly written!
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[Trying to explain TV to the Thermians]
Gwen DeMarco
They're not ALL "historical documents." Surely, you don't think Gilligan's Island is a...
[All the Thermians moan in despair]
Mathesar
Those poor people.
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Guy Fleegman
I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm just "Crewman Number Six." I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove how serious the situation is. I've gotta get outta here.
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Sir Alexander Dane
Could they be the miners?
Fred Kwan
Sure, they're like three years old.
Sir Alexander Dane
MINERS, not MINORS.
Fred Kwan
You lost me.
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Guy Fleegman
Did you guys ever WATCH the show?
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[the rock monster chases Nesmith]
Alexander Dane
You're just going to have to kill it.
Jason Nesmith
Kill it? Well, I'm open to any suggestions.
Tommy Webber
Go for the eyes, like in episode 22!
Jason Nesmith
He doesn't have any eyes, Tommy!
Tommy Webber
Go for the mouth, then, the throat, his vulnerable spots!
Jason Nesmith
It's a rock! It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!
Guy Fleegman
I know! You construct a weapon. Look around, can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?
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Sir Alexander Dane
You're just going to have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
Jason Nesmith
It's a rock monster. It doesn't have motivation.
Sir Alexander Dane
See, that's your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft.
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[the crew is on a shuttle descending to an alien planet]
Guy Fleegman
I changed my mind. I wanna go back.
Sir Alexander Dane
After the fuss you made about getting left behind?
Guy Fleegman
Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship, and something is up there, and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy who gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.
Jason Nesmith
You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy.
Guy Fleegman
I'm not? Then what's my last name?
Jason Nesmith
It's, uh, uh - -I don't know.
Guy Fleegman
Nobody knows. Do you know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in.
Gwen DeMarco
Guy, you have a last name.
Guy Fleegman
DO I? DO I? For all you know, I'm "Crewman Number Six"! Mommy... mommy...
Sir Alexander Dane
Are we there yet?
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[Fred tries to digitize the pig-lizard with disastrous results]
Jason Nesmith
What? What was that?
Alexander Dane
Uh, nothing.
Jason Nesmith
I heard some squealing or something.
Gwen DeMarco
Oh, no. Everything's fine.
Teb
But the animal is inside out.
Jason Nesmith
I heard that! It turned inside out?
[the pig-lizard explodes]
Teb
And it exploded.
Jason Nesmith
Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out, and then it EXPLODED? Hello?
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Sir Alexander Dane
I see you've managed to get your shirt off.
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Brandon Wheeger
I just wanted to tell you that I thought a lot about what you said.
Jason Nesmith
It's okay, now listen...
Brandon Wheeger
But I want you to know that I'm not a complete brain case, okay? I understand completely that it's just a TV show. I know there's no beryllium sphere...
Jason Nesmith
Hold it.
Brandon Wheeger
no digital conveyor, no ship...
Jason Nesmith
Stop for a second, stop. It's all real.
Brandon Wheeger
Oh my God, I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!
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[Reading a tactical display]
Guy Fleegman
Hey guys, there's a red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy.
Jason Nesmith
What?
Guy Fleegman
Red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy. I think we're the green-thingy.
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[after the Blue Creatures have eaten Limpy]
Jason Nesmith
Ok, here's the plan: first, Fred, we need a diversion to clear these things out of the compound, then Gwen, Alex, Fred and I go down to get the sphere. Any of those things come back Tommy, give a signal. Guy, you set up a perimeter.
Gwen DeMarco
Why does this sound so familiar?
Tommy Webber
"Assault on Voltarek III". Episode 81 I think.
Guy Fleegman
We're doing episode 81?
Tommy Webber
Whatever, the one with the hologram. The wall of fire.
Gwen DeMarco
How the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram?
Guy Fleegman
We're doing episode 81, Jason?
Jason Nesmith
It doesn't have to be a hologram, just a diversion.
Guy Fleegman
Jason, are we doing episode 81 or not?
Jason Nesmith
It's a rough plan, Guy, what does it matter if we're doing episode 81 or not?
Guy Fleegman
BECAUSE I DIED... IN EPISODE 81!
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Brandon's Mom
Where are you going with all those fireworks?
Brandon
Well, the Protector got super-accelerated coming out of the black hole, and it, like, nailed the atmosphere at Mach 15, which, you guys know, is pretty unstable, obviously, so we're gonna help Laredo guide it on the the vox ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman candles for visual confirmation.
Brandon's Mom
Uh, all right, dinner's at seven.
[Brandon exits. Mom turns to a dubious Dad]
Brandon's Mom
Well, he's outside.
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Sir Alexander Dane
I played Richard III.
Fred Kwan
Five curtain calls...
Sir Alexander Dane
There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it. Now look at me. Look at me! I won't go out there and say that stupid line one more time.
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[Fred and Larali start to passionately kiss]
[Larali's alien tentacles start to slide up Fred's back and over his shoulder]
Guy Fleegman
Woah!
[Fred looks down at the tentacles, his eyes roll back, and he starts kissing again]
Guy Fleegman
Heh, C'mon Fred.
[Fred and Larali drop to the floor and out of sight. A high pitched squishing sound is heard]
Guy Fleegman
Oh *that's* not right! No...
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[after fake fighting]
Jason Nesmith
You used to pull your punches.
Sir Alexander Dane
It's "Scene-Stealing Hack," thank you.
Jason Nesmith
"Raving Egomaniac"?
Sir Alexander Dane
Can't think where I got THAT from.
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Guy Fleegman
HEY! Don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air? You don't know!
[Guy holds his breath. Kwan sniffs the air and shrugs]
Fred Kwan
Seems okay.
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Jason Nesmith
You WILL go out there.
Sir Alexander Dane
I won't and nothing you say will make me.
Jason Nesmith
The show must go on.
Sir Alexander Dane
...Damn you.
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Guy Fleegman
I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I'm gonna die, I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.
Fred Kwan
Guy, Guy, maybe you're the plucky comic relief. You ever think about that?
Guy Fleegman
Plucky?
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Gwen DeMarco
Alex, where are you going?
Sir Alexander Dane
To see if there's a pub.
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[Sarris forces Jason to tell Mathesar he's an actor on a TV show]
Jason Nesmith
I'm not a commander. There's no "National Space Exploration Administration." We don't have a ship.
Mathesar
But inside, I see many rooms.
Jason Nesmith
You've seen plywood sets that look like the inside. Our beryllium sphere is... is wire with plaster around it. And our digital conveyor is... it's Christmas tree lights. It's a decoration. It's all fake. Just like me.
Mathesar
But why...?
Jason Nesmith
It's difficult to explain. On our planet, we, uh... we pretend to... to entertain. Mathesar, I am so sorry. God, I am so sorry.
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Gwen DeMarco
Fred, you had a part people loved. I mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my BOOBS and how they fit into my suit. No one bothered to ask me what I do on the show.
Fred Kwan
You were... the umm, wait a minute, I'll think of it...
Gwen DeMarco
I repeated the computer, Fred.
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Sir Alexander Dane
Where's the happy ending, Jason? "Never give up, never surrender?"
Jason Nesmith
[Using the opportunity to provoke a fake fight]
Maybe it's about time you just backed off, you fin-headed monstrosity.
Sir Alexander Dane
You what?
Jason Nesmith
You're starting to act just like to did in Episode 17, you scene-stealing hack!
Sir Alexander Dane
[Finally catching on]
Oh! Right! Well, how does it feel, Jason? Was it worth it? You've murdered us all!
Jason Nesmith
Shut up.
Sir Alexander Dane
Hundreds to die, just because of you!
Jason Nesmith
I told you to shut up!
[They are both shoved into an air lock]
Sir Alexander Dane
Hundreds to die, just because you want to play at being commander, you raving lunatic.
[They begin shoving each other]
Jason Nesmith
Then I'll see you in Hell, won't I?
[They begin punching each other. Alexander motions Jason towards a metal rod. Jason swings at him, Alexander ducks, and Jason knocks out one of the guards. They rush the others]
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[Introducing Alex at the convention]
Announcer
Give him a hand, he's British.
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Sarris
[Sarris believes that Nesmith plans to ram his ship]
Let me remind you, sonny: I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake.
Jason Nesmith
Well, let me tell you something, Sarris: It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one. You're sweating.
Sarris
You fool! You failed to realize that, with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper.
Jason Nesmith
And what you fail to realize is my ship... is dragging mines!
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Fred Kwan
Hey guys, I just wanted you to know that, the reactors won't take it; the ship is breaking apart and all that... Just FYI.
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Guy Fleegman
I don't like this. I don't like this at all.
Gwen DeMarco
They are *so* cute.
Guy Fleegman
Sure, they're cute now, but in a second they're gonna get mean, and they're gonna get ugly somehow, and there's gonna be a million more of them.
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[On traveling through space in a pod]
Fred Kwan
That was a hell of a thing.
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Fred Kwan
It's the simple things in life you treasure.
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Jason Nesmith
Am I too late for Alexander's panic attack?
[Alex hides his face in despair]
Jason Nesmith
Apparently not.
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[after blowing two of Sarris' men out the airlock]
Fred Kwan
Sorry, I was - door was a little sticky. Did you see that? I'll get one of my boys up here with a can of WD-40.
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Fred Kwan
Hey, Commander. Listen, we found some beryllium on a nearby planet. And we might be able to get there if we reconfigure the solar matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion. What'd'ya think?
Jason Nesmith
We'll do that!
Guy Fleegman
All right!
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Jason Nesmith
Okay Gwen, put me back on with him.
Gwen DeMarco
That's what I've been trying to tell you, Jason. You ARE back with him.
Sarris
Perhaps I am not as stupid as I am ugly, commander!
Gwen DeMarco
No, you gave me the 'we're dead' signal. I was agreeing with you. Like I know where the 'hold' button is.
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Mathesar
We were hoping you could come with us. Our people have no commander.
Commander Peter Quincy Taggart
Mathesar, I think your people have a great commander, sir.
[salutes him]
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Jason Nesmith
Hi! What's up with her, doesn't she talk?
Quellek
Her translator is broken.
Laliari
Yalalalala!
Jason Nesmith
Okey dokey.
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Guy Fleegman
I'm just jazzed about being on the show, man.
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[Klaxon sounding]
Gwen DeMarco
I remember that sound. That's a bad sound.
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Sir Alexander Dane
[Indicated Jason]
Need I remind you that this man is wearing a costume, not a uniform. He's no more qualified to lead us than
[indicating Guy]
Sir Alexander Dane
... this fellow... No offense...
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[first lines]
Laredo
Exiting the time knot now, Sir.
Tech Sgt. Chen
We're alive.
Laredo
We made it, Commander. We made it.
Dr. Lazarus
By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.
Voice of Computer
Systems registering functional.
Lt. Tawny Madison
All systems are working, Commander.
Commander Peter Quincy Taggart
I don't like it. It was too easy.
Laredo
Wait. Oh, no! They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere.
Lt. Tawny Madison
A trap!
Dr. Lazarus
We're surrounded, Commander.
[crew screaming as the ship is hit]
Tech Sgt. Chen
It's a core meltdown, sir. It can't be stopped.
Dr. Lazarus
Surrender may be our only option.
Commander Peter Quincy Taggart
No! Never give up, never surrender.
Laredo
Your orders, sir?
[pause]
Laredo
Sir, your orders?
Commander Peter Quincy Taggart
Activate the Omega 13.
[?to be continued? appears on the screen]
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Jason Nesmith
Remember yesterday at the convention, those people dressed like aliens? They were aliens! They were termites or... or dalmations. I can't really remember cause I was kinda hungover.
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Teb
[after Alexander and Quellek open the door to the barracks] We're saved! He saved us! Commander Taggart has saved us!
the Thermian crew in the barracks
[cheering together] Hurrah! Commander Taggart!
Sir Alexander Dane
It's just not fair.
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Gwen DeMarco
[On the phone, discussing Jason's meltdown]
I mean it Alex, I'm worried. I've never seen him lose it like that before. Not to a fan.
Sir Alexander Dane
[Alexander is alone in his apartment. He has a shower towel over his shoulder and is looking through the refrigerator. He is still wearing his alien headgear prosthetic]
Gwen, I've been saying it for years. He's mentally unstable.
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Voice of Computer
Enemy is matching velocity.
Gwen DeMarco
The enemy is matching velocity.
Sir Alexander Dane
We heard it the first time.
Gwen DeMarco
Gosh, I'm doing it. I'm repeating the darn computer.
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Gwen DeMarco
Ducts? Why is it always ducts?
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[They're flying through a mine field in an attempt to shake off Sarris]
Sir Alexander Dane
Could you possibly try NOT to hit EVERY SINGLE ONE?
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Sarris
Better than my lieutenant.
[holds up a severed head on a stick]
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Sir Alexander Dane
[Looking out of the shuttle-craft window; Taggart has heroically stayed on the planet to draw off the Berillium-Sphere Mine Denizens]
Oh, of course! IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU, ISN'T IT?
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Sir Alexander Dane
You don't hold the turbo down, it's for quick boosts!
Jason Nesmith
Oh, like you know!
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[last lines]
Announcer
And now, back again after 18 years: The New Adventures of Galaxy Quest.
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Jason Nesmith
As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars, we'll be there. This fine ship, this fine crew. Never give up... and never surrender.
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[On the Thermians' worship of the egotistical Jason Nesmith]
Sir Alexander Dane
It's like throwing gasoline on a flame.
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Jason Nesmith
Crewman Madison, the mist of this strange planet is filing my head with such thoughts...
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Sir Alexander Dane
You broke the ship. You broke the bloody ship.
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Laliari
You all wish to go to the ship?
Gwen DeMarco
Yes, we wish to go to the ship. See we work together or not at all!
Laliari
Wonderful. The captain had me continue transmission in case you changed your minds.
[speaking into her vox]
Laliari
Protector, requesting four pods...
Laliari
Five pods for immediate departure.
Laliari
I look forward to meeting you all in person. End transmission.
[bows to the crew members and disappears]
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Jason Nesmith
Give me any kind of signal.
Tommy Webber
I'll do this:
[cups hands]
Tommy Webber
CAW! CAW!
Jason Nesmith
What are you, an infant? We have *these*!
[Jason holds up a communicator in front of Tommy]
Tommy Webber
I was just... sorry...
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Gwen DeMarco
Chompers? Well, screw *that*!
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Jason Nesmith
All right, let's settle down. If we're going to get through this we're going to need self control.
Gwen DeMarco
Self control? That's funny coming from the guy that slept with every Terrakian slave girl and Moon Princess on the show.
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Tommy Webber
You were holding it upside down
Sir Alexander Dane
Shut up.
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Teb
Are you enjoying your Kep-mok blood ticks, Dr. Lazarus?
Sir Alexander Dane
[Blood tick jump off his spoon and splashes down into the bowl of tentacles. Alexander puts his head in his hands and sighs]
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[Sarris forces Jason to tell Mathesar he's an actor on a TV show]
Jason Nesmith
Mathesar, there's no such person as Captain Taggart. My name is Jason Nesmith. I'm an actor. We're all actors.
Sarris
He doesn't understand. Explain as you would a child.
Jason Nesmith
We, uh, we pretended.
[On Malthesar's blank look]
Jason Nesmith
We lied.
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[Introducing Guy at the convention]
Announcer
It's... another ship mate!
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Sarris
How adorable. The actors are going to play war with me.
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Jason Nesmith
I'm going to rest my eyes for a moment. But go on. I am listening...
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Quellek
By Grabthar's hammer, Dr. Lazarus...
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Gwen DeMarco
No, the Commander and I never had a... thing.
Jason Nesmith
Well, that's HER story.
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Jason Nesmith
Okey dokey, Okey dokey. Lets fire blue particle cannons full, red particle cannons full, gannet magnets fire them left and right, and let 'em run all chutes. And while you're at it, why don't ya toss that at 'em killer
[tossing empty Coke can to gunner]
Jason Nesmith
That should take care of old lobster head shouldn't it?
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Jason Nesmith
[to Sarris about the Omega 13]
You know? OK! Gosh darn it, I give up! It's yours, you can have it. You have to give me a minute to put it in a box for ya. OK?
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Fred Kwan
Sorry, the door was a little sticky. Did you see that. I'll get one of my boys up here with a can of WD-40.
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Jason Nesmith
Maybe I should get some pants on. Come on in.
[looking for his pants, bends over and moons the Thermians]
Mathesar
Commander, standing here in your presence is the greatest honor we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetimes.
Jason Nesmith
Thanks, I really appreciate that. Could you guys look for another shoe? It looks like this.
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[On Jason]
Gwen DeMarco
You've gotta admit, they really do love him.
Tommy Webber
Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself.
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Fred Kwan
Wow, the floors are so clean.
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Gwen DeMarco
Does the rolling *help*?
Jason Nesmith
Yes, it helps.
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[Jason and Gwen reach a catwalk without guard rails]
Jason Nesmith
Wait a minute. We gotta go across this thing?
Brandon
Yes.
Brandon
Commander, what I'd give to see what you're seeing!
[What Gwen sees, looking down, is a slowly rotating fan that spans the entire core that they're crossing]
Jason Nesmith
What are you talking about?
Brandon
You're deep in the underbelly of the Omega 13! Oh, it must be spectacular!
Gwen DeMarco
It - it doesn't look like much to me. Just these few walls and this dumb spinning fan that we have in every single...
[Jason looks up and a look of incredulity crosses his face. He points and Gwen looks up, too. What they see is the inner works of the Omega 13, nodules, spinning and glowing, jets of light shooting throughout it]
Jason Nesmith
Brandon. What does the Omega 13 device do?
Brandon
Uh, many have believed that it is a matter collapser: a bomb capable of destroying pretty much everything in about 13 seconds. But myself and others are convinced that what it is is a matter *rearranger*, affecting a 13 second time jump to the past.
Gwen DeMarco
Why 13 seconds? That's really not enough time to do anything of any importance.
Jason Nesmith
It'd be time to redeem a single mistake.
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Tommy Webber
You know, with all that makeup and stuff, I actually thought you were SMART for a second.
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Jason Nesmith
I'm not the commander!
Sarris
What did you say?
Jason Nesmith
I said I'm not the commander.
Sarris
Explain.
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Mathesar
We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes. Your Monte Cristo sandwich is a current favorite among the adventurous.
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Jason Nesmith
There is no quantum flux, there's no auxiliary, there's no goddamn ship! You got it?
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Gwen DeMarco
Jason, we are actors, not astronauts.
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Sir Alexander Dane
Where's the happy ending, Jason? "Never give up, never surrender"?
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Jason Nesmith
You know, what I could really use here is a cup holder and a couple of Advil.
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Jason Nesmith
You know, you're starting to act a lot like you did in episode 17.
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Tommy Webber
[Sees Taggart, on the monitor, grappling with Grignak on the Berillium-Sphere planet]
How about that Pig-Lizard?
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Jason Nesmith
I got to fight this guy named Sarris, and I kicked his ass!
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Jason Nesmith
This is like... corn fed Iowa beef!
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Quellek
I avoided capture by using your Mak'tar stealth haze.
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Jason Nesmith
Sorry, broke the illusion
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Mathesar
Deception. Lies. We have become aware of these concepts only recently, in our dealings with Sarris. Often Sarris will say one thing, and do another. Promise us mercy and deliver destruction. It is a concept we are beginning to learn at some great cost.
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Sarris
Release them... Into space.
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Jason Nesmith
Sarris is the bad guy, right?
Laliari
Oh yes, sir, he is a very bad man indeed. He has tortured our scientists, put us to work in the gallium arsenide mines, captured our females for his own demented purposes.
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Jason Nesmith
She's not a fan! This is a... this is a termite!
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Gwen DeMarco
[backstage at the convention]
I mean, this is unreal. They're gonna start eating each other out there.
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[Jason is impressed by the Thermian ship's bridge]
Jason Nesmith
This is great. Usually it's just cardboard walls in a garage.
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Quellek
[to Dane]
You're alive! Thank Ipthar!
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Jason Nesmith
Hey, where's my limo?
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Lahnk
Sir, I am Lahnk, senior requisition officer. Before we travel to the ship, please let me know if you have any requirements. Weapons, documents, personnel...
Jason Nesmith
Um, coca-cola? Do you have one of those?
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Gwen DeMarco
Here we go.
Jason Nesmith
Which way, Alexander?
Sir Alexander Dane
This way. No, wait. That way.
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Tommy Webber
Set a course for home, Commander?
Jason Nesmith
Can you do that?
Tommy Webber
Oh, yes! Just point and click. But, we're going to have to go through the black hole, though.
Jason Nesmith
Any objections? Alright. Set her up.
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Sarris
Prepare a tear harness - for the female.
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Jason Nesmith
Alright, Tommy, take us into the black hole.
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Teen in the Bathroom #1
What a freak show, man. This is hilarious. A bunch of losers. Beggin' for autographs at 15 bucks a pop. These guys haven't had a real acting job for - 20 years. This is all they got. Did you check out Nesmith? He actually gets off on those retards thinking he's a space captain.
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Jason Nesmith
Okey Dokey. You know, guys, I had a late night with a Kreemorian Fangor Beast, so I'm going to just shut my eyes for a bit. Go on. You know, I'm listening to everything you say. Okay?
[Teb rambles on, Nesmith sits back and passes out in the back of the limo]
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Fred Kwan
That was a helluva thing.
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Teen in the Bathroom #1
Oh! Come on, come on. The Galaxy Quest Dancers are almost on.
Teen in the Bathroom #2
Oh, full speed ahead.
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Mathesar
The ship is too big to enter the atmosphere. We need to separate or die!
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[Guy sees tentacles.]
Guy Fleegman
Whoa! Great, Fred. Hey, Fred.
[Tony and Laliari drop behind a desk, kissing.]
Guy Fleegman
Um... Oh! That's not right.
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Sarris
[At lunch, Mathesar shows the Galaxy Quest cast a tape smugged from Sarris' ship showing him torturing a Thermian to death. This is the dialogue in that tape] Is that all? After three days of this, you still require incentive?
Tortured Thermian
I have told you all I know. If you have any mercy within you, please, let me die.
Sarris
When I grow weary of the noises you make, you shall die!
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