Date Movie Movie Quotes
[Julia desperately needs a makeover]
Julia Jones
I heard you were the best.
Hitch
You're goddamn right I'm the best! Look at all the couples I'm responsible for. You got Brad and Jen, Jessica and Nick, Ben and Jen, Ben and Jen, Ben and Matt, Kobe and Shaq, Ellen and Anne. Yeah, I do them too.
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Roz Fockyerdoder
[gives Julia the present after the wedding]
It's a vaginal thermometer. It's been in our family for generations.
Linda Jones
It lets you know when your ovulating.
Roz Fockyerdoder
And if you wanna keep it a lucky one, don't ever wash it.
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Grant Funkyerdoder
[faking an orgasm] OH, yeah. Oh yeah that's it! Yes! Yes, yes, yes. Y-y-y-y-yes! Whew... yes.
Waitress
So you're saying you want the porkchops?
Julia Jones
I'll have what he's having.
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Grant Funkyerdoder
[voice-over reading his message to Julia]
If you still love me the way I love you, meet me where Meg Ryan met Tom Hanks.
Julia Jones
On the internet?
Grant Funkyerdoder
[still in voice-over]
No, not in "You've Got Mail," in "Sleepless in Seattle."
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Frank Jones
Before you set the wedding date, I wanted to meet your parents... because frankly, Funkyerdoder, I don't know much about you.
Grant Funkyerdoder
I understand, home boy.
Frank Jones
[looks at camera, turns toward Grant]
I'll be... watching you. If you do anything to corrupt my daughter...
Grant Funkyerdoder
You'll bring me down to Chinatown?
Frank Jones
Chinatown? I'll take your bitch ass to 134th street... bust you in the head with a pipe.
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Frank Jones
I was wrong about Grant. He's really a nice guy. He even liked you when you were butt-ugly.
Julia Jones
How do you...?
Frank Jones
I saw it in your flashback.
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[Grant is serenading Julia with a boombox]
Angry Neighbor
I'm trying to watch Desperate Housewives! It's called an iPod, get one!
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Julia Jones
Well, we want a traditional wedding. Something simple yet elegent.
Jell-O
Yo! I know exactly the place. Muy romantico!
[Holds up a picture of a Taco Bell]
Jell-O
Taco Butt. Think outside my buns.
Julia Jones
It's not quite what we had in mind.
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Julia Jones
How will I ever measure up to that?
[hands Hitch a sexy photo of Andy]
Hitch
You can't. She's fine as hell! I would tear that shit up!
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Linda Jones
So Grant ever knock any one up?
Julia Jones
Mom!
Linda Jones
What? I want many grandchildren and how do I know if he's shooting blanks or not
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Andy
I'll give you two grand if I can fuck you in the ass.
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Julia Jones
You had me at hello.
Grant Funkyerdoder
I'm just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her.
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Frank Jones
When I first got married to your mother, we barely knew each other. Could barely even speak the English language.
Julia Jones
But you're from Jersey...
Frank Jones
I'm trying to make a point here.
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Napoleon
Idiot! Hell no I won't marry you! Gosh! What would you do if you were in a situation like this? Gosh! Gosh! Gosh! Gosh!
[Starts dancing]
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Julia Jones
[after sex with Grant] Thant was... Amazing!
Old Woman
[Old woman in window appears] It sure was...
[she starts caressing her body]
Old Woman
Oh... OHHH... OHHHHHHH... She faked it Grant
[Grant looks at Julia, Old woman whispers;]
Old Woman
But I didn't... Meow... Meow... Purrrrrrr... Purrrrrr
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Andy
[to Grant]
Choose me. Marry me!
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Biker
I love puerto rican men, they're spicy!
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Michael Jackson Look-A-Like
C'mon! It's just a little Jesus juice!
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Nicky
Thinking about the honeymoon makes my sack all quivery and shit.
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Frank Jones
Put some hummus on it
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Galdalf
[Gandlaf is hit in the crotch]
My precious!
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Andy
Grant told me you were pretty, but he didn't mention that you were flat-chested. How cute.
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Old Cat Woman
[watching through the window]
She was faking it, but I wasn't.
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[Grant walks in with Jinxers on the toilet]
Grant Funkyerdoder
[shocked]
Oh... Sorry
Frank Jones
That's Jinxers! I taught him how to do that.
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Linda Jones
So... Is it Harry?
Bernie Fockyerdoder
Is what hairy?
Linda Jones
Your name...
Bernie Fockyerdoder
No, actually it's Bernie.
Roz Fockyerdoder
Oh, but it is hairy...
[picks up carrot]
Roz Fockyerdoder
I mean picture this with 4 pounds of hair.
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Frank Jones
So, Grant, how do you pronounce your last name?
Grant Funkyerdoder
Exactly how it's spelled. F-U-N-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R.
[pause]
Frank Jones
Funkyerdoder?
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Julia Jones
Why is she in slow motion?
Grant Funkyerdoder
She likes to make an entrance.
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Frank Jones
In the extras, Eddie Griffin shares his best pickup line, "Ya f*ckin'?"
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[elbows Andy and runs]
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[from the unrated version]
Frank Jones
Julia here told me your last name. How do you pronounce it?
Grant Funkyerdoder
Exactly how it's spelled.
[pause]
Grant Funkyerdoder
F-O-C-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R.
Frank Jones
Fockyerdoder?
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Julia Jones
What happens when the ho doesn't give up all the cash?
Little Jack
[Swings his hands]
Julia Jones
[Turns illustration card over to a picture of a man slapping a woman]
That's right Little Jack! Keep your pimp hand strong!
Little Jack
[Pinches his fingers]
Little Jack
[Makes a stabbing motion]
Little Jack
[His first word]
Biotch.
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