House of 1000 Corpses Movie Quotes
Otis
It's all true. The bogeyman is real and you found him.
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Killer Karl
That is it! I'm gonna count to ten and you're gonna hand over all the cash, or I'm gonna splatter your grease paint mug across the state line! One...
Captain Spaulding
Fuck yo mama!
Killer Karl
Two...
Captain Spaulding
Fuck yo sister!
Killer Karl
Three...
Captain Spaulding
Fuck yo grandma!
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[From the DVD menu select screen]
Captain Spaulding
Well, shit the bed! Howdy folks, come on in! Well, I can see by those fancy britches and sassy hairdos that you all ain't from around here. So, where ya from?
[holds hand to ear]
Captain Spaulding
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Ah, I see. All y'all's must be mutes, cause ya wouldn't be fuckin' with me, now would ya?
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Captain Spaulding
You miserable motherfucker, I ought to leap over this counter and bash your fuckin' balls in!
Killer Karl
All right, Tippy! Hand over the cash box, and I might leave your brains inside your skull!
Captain Spaulding
Well, I'll tell you what, Ski King. Why don't you just take your Mama home some chicken and then I won't have to stuff my boot all up in your ass!
Killer Karl
I don't like chicken! And I hate clowns!
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Otis
[ranting to tied up cheerleaders]
"Why", you ask? "Why" is not the question. How? Now, that is a question worth examining. How could I, being born of such, uh... conventional stock, arrive a leader of the rebellion? An escapist from a conformist world, destined to find happiness only in that which cannot be explained? I brought you here for a reason, but unfortunately you and your sentimental minds are doing me no good! My brain is frozen. Locked! I have to break free from this culture of mechanical reproductions and the thick encrustations dying on the surface!
[sees the girls aren't understanding]
Otis
Oh, Christ. Fuck it!
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[Mary screams]
Otis
Shut your mouth!
[more screams]
Otis
I said, shut your fucking mouth!
[screams]
Otis
Listen, you Malibu middle class Barbie piece of shit, I'm tryin' to work here. Work? You ever work? Yeah, I'll bet you have. Scoopin' ice cream to your shit-heel friends on summer break. Well I ain't talkin' about no goddamn white socks with Mickey Mouse on one side and Donald Duck on the other. I ain't readin' no funny books, mama. Our bodies come and go but this blood... is forever.
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Captain Spaulding
Howdy Folks! You like blood? Violence? Freaks of nature? Well then, come on down to Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Mad-Men. See the Alligator Boy, ride my famous Murder Ride. Most of all, don't forget to take home some of my tasty fried chicken! Ha ha! It just tastes so damn good!
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Otis
Huntin' humans ain't nothin' but nothin'. They all run like scared little rabbits. Run, rabbit, run. Run, rabbit. Run, rabbit. Run rabbit. Run, rabbit, run! RUN, RABBIT, RUN!
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Otis
I'm the one who brings the Christmas candy. Now tell me, who's your daddy? I'm the one who brings the devil's brandy.
Mother
Who's your daddy?
Otis
I'm the one who beats you when you're bad.
Baby
Who's your daddy?
Mother
Who's your daddy?
Otis
[walking to Denise, while wearing her father's skin]
Come on, sweetie. Give the old man some sugar.
Denise Willis
Daddy, Daddy.
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Captain Spaulding
[written on Cap. Spaulding's t-shirt]
"If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart."
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Captain Spaulding
[after shooting Killer Karl]
Goddamn, motherfucker got blood all over my best clown suit.
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[two masked holdup men break into Captain Spaudling's place to rob it]
Captain Spaulding
Mary fuckin' Moses! Y'all get the fuck outta here!
Killer Karl
Hands up! Keep your paws where I can see 'em.
Richard Wick
[stuttering]
Yeah... d-don't move or I'll b-blast a hole the size of a k-Kansas City watermelon through... your ugly-ass b-bozo face!
Captain Spaulding
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
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Otis
Boy, I bet you'd stick your head in fire if I told ya you could see Hell. Meanwhile, you're too stupid to realize you got a demon stickin' out your ass singing, "Holy Miss Moley,
[Whole family joins in]
Otis
Got me a live one."
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Stucky
Hey, I know you. You work down at the hardware store. Richard Wick right? All the guys make fun out of you. They call you 'Little Dick Wick.' They even sing a song about you.
Richard Wick
Shut your trap.
Stucky
[sing-song]
'Little Dick Wick, played with his prick, don't his smell just make you sick?'
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Baby
Whatever you need to do, you do it. There is no wrong. If someone needs to be killed, you kill 'em. That's the way.
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[last lines]
Captain Spaulding
Sweet baby Jesus, girl. What the hell happened to you?
Denise Willis
[mumbling]
I got away.
Captain Spaulding
You... hey, I recognize you. Oh, there's a whole bunch of people been looking for your ass, girl.
Denise Willis
I gotta get to a doctor.
Captain Spaulding
All right, all right. Just sit back and relax. I'll get you to a doctor.
[Denise rests her head on the seat]
Captain Spaulding
That's it. I'll get you there.
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Captain Spaulding
But MOST of all... fuck YOU!
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Captain Spaulding
Let me ask you something. How come you're asking me so many jackassy questions?
Bill Hudley
My friends and I are on a road trip. We're driving across country and writing a book on off-beat roadside attractions. You know, the crazy shit you see when you're driving across the country.
Captain Spaulding
I don't drive cross country.
Bill Hudley
But if you did...
Captain Spaulding
But I don't.
Bill Hudley
Yeah, but supposing for a second you did.
Captain Spaulding
[laughs]
You little dickens, you. I know what your problem is.
Bill Hudley
What's that?
Captain Spaulding
[getting angry]
Ya'll think us folk from the country's real funny-like, dontcha?
Bill Hudley
Jerry...
Captain Spaulding
Yeah, well, saddle up the mule, Ma! Slide me some grits! I's got to get me some edu-cation, uh hu hu hu.
Bill Hudley
Jerry...
Captain Spaulding
You asshole!
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Jerry Goldsmith
Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!
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Stucky
[shows a topless autographed photo of June Wilkinson]
Shit, I can't do nothing with this now. I can't get rid of this. It ain't worth nothing. My name's all over it. I was gonna fix it to trade it with Jackie Cobb.
Captain Spaulding
That retard who hangs out at Molly's fruit stand? For the lot of me, I do not understand why you hang out with that asshole.
Stucky
He's one horny retard.
Captain Spaulding
Well hell, aren't they all? All they want to do is eat and fuck.
Stucky
Well, if you knew him better you might understand his urges.
Captain Spaulding
Worse than a rabid-ass baboon.
Stucky
You know what his favorite thing is next to whacking his weasel? He takes a sharpened pencil, sticks it in his eyeball and twists it.
Captain Spaulding
What?
Stucky
He doesn't hurt himself. He kind of twists it next to his eyeball.
Captain Spaulding
Oh, he's been putting that pencil someplace other than his eyeball.
Stucky
Oh no, he don't do anything like that. Although one time, he got caught with a Planet of the Apes doll stuck up his asshole.
Captain Spaulding
[laughing]
God damn!
Stucky
They had to take him to the hospital. The kid had Dr. Zaius stuck halfway up his butt and they couldn't get it out!
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Mary Knowles
[sees Baby on Bill's lap]
Get off him!
[Baby doesn't budge]
Mary Knowles
I said get the fuck off him, you stupid fucking whore! Fucking slut!
[Mary pushes Baby to the ground]
Baby
Oh, you shouldn't have done that!
Mary Knowles
Oh, really? Are you gonna do something about it?
Baby
I'll do something, motherfucker.
[pulls out a knife]
Baby
I'll fucking cut your tits off and shove 'em down your throat!
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Mary Knowles
Why are you doing this?
Otis
Doing what? Messy up your day?
Mary Knowles
Where's Bill? Where's Bill?
Otis
Bill?
Mary Knowles
Is he okay?
Otis
He's a good guy. Oh, he's been a great help to me! A real blessin'. I mean, I couldn't have asked for a better speciman. You don't know what kind of dry spell I've had here. Total block, total block! But Bill... he's okay.
Mary Knowles
Where is he? Where is he? Can I see him? Can I see Bill, please?
Otis
Let's go see. Behold... Fishboy!
[Otis pulls back a curtain to reveal Bill's mutliated corpse]
Mary Knowles
Oh my god! Oh my god, Bill! No, no, this can't be real. This can't be real, this can't be real, this can't be real.
Otis
Oh, it's real. As real as I want it to be, mama.
[Otis kisses Mary]
Mary Knowles
Fuck you, you fucking freak!
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Jerry Goldsmith
That was so badass! Dr. Satan! Ahhh! Dr. Satan!
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Aleister Crowley
[When Denise and Jerry are locked up in a coffin, and get lowered down into a pit. The distorted voice of Aleister Crowley can be heard repeating the same sentence over and over] Bury me in a nameless grave, i came from God the world to save... Bury me in a nameless grave, i came from God the world to save.
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Lt. George Wydell
[holds a photo of Denise]
Have you seen this girl in the past 24 hours?
Captain Spaulding
Yeah, cute kid. Ain't my type though. You know, I like 'em with a little more meat on 'em. Ha ha. The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'.
Deputy Steve Naish
Come on, clownie, just answer the damn questions. We ain't interested in your love life.
Lt. George Wydell
Cut the crap, Spaulding, and get with the facts.
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Otis
Hey, happy boy, step your ass up here.
Baby
Take his gag out. It's more fun with the screaming.
Mother
I like that too. That screaming is much more exciting that way.
[They remove Jerry's gag]
Jerry Goldsmith
Please don't kill us, please don't kill us.
Otis
Shut your mouth and get your shit in the box. Get in now.
Mother
Wait, wait, wait... I wanna say goodbye.
[Mama Firefly grabs Jerry by the collar and gives him a big kiss]
Mother
Goodbye, sweetie. We could've been great.
Otis
Ain't we just having a fucking hoot?
Jerry Goldsmith
Just let us go, I swear to God we won't tell anyone. I swear...
Mother
Honey, you know I can't do that.
Otis
Ain't we just having a fucking hoot?
Rufus 'R.J.' Firefly Jr.
Get your fucking ass up, boy.
Otis
Come on, we ain't got all night.
[Rufus grabs Jerry and body slams him into the coffin while Mary breaks free and runs off]
Otis
Where does she think she's gonna run to? She gonna run all the way home?
Baby
No, let me get her.
Otis
All right, go get her.
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Grandpa Hugo
What are you, Jimmy Olsen, cub reporter for the Daily Asshole?
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[after stabbing a victim to death]
Baby
'Shoo, shoo,' said the maiden.
[laughs maniacally]
Baby
'Come, maiden,' said the rabbit, 'sit on my tail and go with me to my rabbit hutch.'
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Mother
Otis! There's cops outside!
Grandpa Hugo
What? How many?
Otis
Oh, don't worry about it! How many were there?
Mother
I only saw one.
Otis
Fucking pigs always come in packs. Here, take this, go downstairs, and play nice. I'll go around back and take control like I always fuckin' do!
[Grandpa Hugo flips Otis off]
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Otis
Now, I'm gonna remove your gag... But! If you make so much as a fuckin' peep! I'm going to cut you like a pig and make you eat your own fucking intestines... you got me?
[Otis takes off the hankerchief on Mary's mouth]
Mary Knowles
Why are you, Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this?
Otis
Doing what? Messy up your day?
Mary Knowles
Where's Bill? Where's Bill?
Otis
Bill... He's a good guy, Ohhh hoo... He's been great help to me. A real blessin'... I mean, I couldn't have asked for a better specimen. You don't know what kinda dry spell I've had here. Total block, total block! But Bill... He's OK.
[scene cuts to Baby laughing maniacally and playing "Brick House" while Otis tortures Bill]
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Bill Hudley
Mmmm, tasty.
Baby
Ain't the only thing tasty in this house.
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Baby
Whoopy-fucking-doo.
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Lt. George Wydell
What did you see? Who was she with? Where was she going?
Captain Spaulding
I don't know. Yeah, that girl was in here last night. She was with three other stupid kids. They was nosing around... asking a bunch of stupid questions.
Deputy Steve Naish
Questions about what?
Captain Spaulding
I don't know. This and that. Mostly a bunch of tired Dr. Satan bullshit.
[sighs]
Captain Spaulding
Look, they caught a gander at the display in the back and they figured they'd run out and solve the great big Deadwood mystery about Dr. Satan.
Lt. George Wydell
And how'd they get that idea?
Captain Spaulding
I wrote 'em a map... out to the old farm road that runs past the Hanging Tree. I figured, what the hell? Can't do no harm. Besides, it's good for my tourist trade. Ha, ha!
Deputy Steve Naish
You can shit ten bricks for all I care.
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Baby
Give me a "B", give me an "A", give me a "B" give me a "Y", What's that spell? What's that spell? WHAT'S THAT SPELL?
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Otis
Better you leave here with your head still full of kitty cats and puppy dogs.
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Mother
My baby boy gets shy around new people, but he'll warm up to you, especially the girls!
[laughs]
Mother
He's a real lady KILLER!
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Baby
So, how much we owe you, Goober?
Gerry Ober
Oh, that's supposed to be G. Ober, for Gerry Ober, but Karl went and put an extra "o", made it Goober. Fucking asshole.
Baby
Great story, Goober. How much we owe you?
Gerry Ober
Well, the damage is pretty severe... $185.
Baby
That ain't gonna break my bank, hon. Here, keep the change. Go buy yourself a new name... Goober!
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Gerry Ober
Let me take a guess here, y'all are having a Halloween party tonight huh?
Baby
Now what makes you think that big boy?
Gerry Ober
Well you sure are buying a whole mess of holy water for two people.
Baby
Yeah we like to get fucked up and do fucked up shit, you know what I mean?
Gerry Ober
Yeah I like to get fucked up, too, and do some fucked up shit.
Baby
Yeah, I bet you do!
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Jerry Goldsmith
Come on, babe. Me and Bill found a kick ass place.
Denise Willis
Huh?
Jerry Goldsmith
Grab Mary and come inside.
Denise Willis
[Denise shakes a lump of jackets and sweaters lying next to her. She removes a sweater form the top of the pile to reveal the face of Mary Knowles]
Come on sleeping beauty, time to go to work.
Mary Knowles
[half asleep]
Sleeping.
Denise Willis
Rise and shine.
Mary Knowles
[groggy]
No please, let me sit this one out.
Denise Willis
[removing the blanket]
Let's go. You're the one who wanted to be a photographer.
Mary Knowles
I resign.
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[first lines]
Announcer
Attention boils and ghouls, it's time for Dr. Wolfenstein's Creature Feature Show.
Dr. Wolfenstein
Ah! The doctor is in! Don't scream, don't move. Stay tuned for channel 68's Halloween Eve movie marathon! I'm your host, your ghost ghost, with the most, Dr. Wolfenstein! I will be with you until the end!
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Grandpa Hugo
I hate fucked up families.
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Skunk Ape Husband
I don't know where that Skunk Ape sleeps, but I do know that he had impure relations with my wife.
Skunk Ape Wife
That is true, he committed lewd acts upon me and my person.
Skunk Ape Husband
When I find him, I'm gonna kill that Skunk Ape!
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Deputy Steve Naish
What else happened?
Captain Spaulding
[getting angry and agitated]
Nothin'. You ask me, those stupid ass kids probably got turned around ass backwards and got themselves lost.
Lt. George Wydell
Is that all? Now, I want you to think really hard.
[Spaulding scratches his head with his forefinger, mocking "thinking hard"]
Captain Spaulding
Well, I don't ridley know. You see, they wasn't in here long enough for me to get up close and personal with 'em like I do with most of the other assholes that come wondering in here!
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Baby
These are all my dolls. I used to like to chop their heads off and their arms and stick 'em up on the wall.
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Baby
Hey wanna play a guessing game? Guess what number I'm thinking of.
Jerry Goldsmith
Eat shit and die.
[Baby starts cutting Jerry's hair with the scissors]
Jerry Goldsmith
No, wait, please, come on, stop it! What do you want? What do you want from me? What do you want from us?
Baby
Please be quiet, I don't wanna slip. OK, one more. You get this right, I'll let ya go. If you get it wrong you are fucked! OK, who's my favourite movie star?
Jerry Goldsmith
I don't know... M... Marilyn Monroe!
Baby
Hmmm... no, Bette Davis! Sorry, you lose!
[Baby scalps Jerry]
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Lewis Dover
My name is Lewis Dover! And I ain't no rich man, but I- I know the truth! You don't have to go to Hell, you in Hell! This is Hell! This is Hell! This is Hell!
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Dr. Wolfenstein
AHAHAHHA! The doctor is in! It's your ghost host, with the most! It's Dr. Wolfenstein!
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Baby
There once was a woman who lived with her daughter in a cabbage garden; along came a rabbit and ate up all the cabbages; the woman said, "Go into the garden and drive out the rabbit."
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Captain Spaulding
Buddy, look around. Would I be surprised?
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Baby
You gotta have the marshmallows, that's what makes it fun.
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Otis
Look, see the magic in my brush strokes.
[Painted on the canvas is the gruesome scene of Bill as the Fish-Boy]
Mary Knowles
[crying]
Fuck you, you fucking freak!
Otis
h, come now... we're all creatures of God and freaks in our own way...
[twitches and shakes]
Otis
... but if you'll notice...
[points to a blank spot in the painting]
Otis
right here, needs a little something, heh?
Mary Knowles
What are you doing?
[squirming]
Mary Knowles
... no, stop... please, please.
Otis
You, my dear worm feeder, are about to become immortalized.
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Deputy Steve Naish
Chief, if you ask me I'd say these kids got a cold six and are out getting shitfaced right now
Lt. George Wydell
Boy, I sure hope you're right. My guts are telling me different.
Deputy Steve Naish
Your Spidey senses tinglin?
Lt. George Wydell
[nodding head]
Mmm-hmm... yeah.
[realizing what Nash said]
Lt. George Wydell
WHAT?
Deputy Steve Naish
You know Georgie... Like in the Marvel comics...
Lt. George Wydell
[getting irritated]
How old do you think I am, boy? I know Spiderman! Just get to your point!
Deputy Steve Naish
You know like when he was fighting people like that damn... what the hell was his name?
[thinks hard]
Deputy Steve Naish
Aww shit. I cant remember.
Lt. George Wydell
I myself always favored for the Hulk.
Deputy Steve Naish
The Hulk was dumb as shit!
Lt. George Wydell
Ahh fuck! Damn!
Deputy Steve Naish
What?
Lt. George Wydell
[sarcastic]
Nothing.
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Baby
OK, sorry... maybe the Great Pumpkin ate 'em up.
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Bill Hudley
Christ, you scared the shit out of me.
Baby
Aw, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Bill Hudley
Is your brother ready to go?
Baby
Oh... yeah, he already left. We'll wait inside, come on.
Bill Hudley
He left!
Baby
Yeah, come on.
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Rufus 'R.J.' Firefly Jr.
[chanting with family]
Otis! Otis! Otis!
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Lt. George Wydell
Mmmm-hmm.
Lt. George Wydell
Well listen, it ain't up to us. Chief said to pick him up and take him with us. The guy's an ex-cop and figures he can be a help some.
Deputy Steve Naish
I just hope he don't get in my way's all I'm sayin' all right?
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Dr. Satan
Ah Doctor Satan, here we are!
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Baby
Hey, Poopy-pants. What's new?
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Otis
Watch that bitch, she's thinking about that Klugman bangin' Brett Sommers, pick motherfucking Richard Dawson.
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Baby
The door's locked. I'll gotta go around... wait here.
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