Wild Wild West Movie Quotes
Dr. Arliss Loveless
Mister West! How nice of you to join us tonight and add COLOR to these monochromatic proceedings!
Capt. James West
Well when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to STAND UP and be counted!
Dr. Arliss Loveless
Miss East informs me that you were expectin' to see General McGrath here. Well, I knew him years ago, but I haven't seen him in a COON's age!
Capt. James West
Well, I can see where it'd be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even HALF the people you know.
Dr. Arliss Loveless
Well, perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from bein' a SLAVE to your disappointment!
Capt. James West
Well, you know beautiful women; they encourage you one minute, and CUT THE LEGS OUT from under you the next!
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President Grant
And you, West, not every situation calls for your patented approach of "shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two."
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[Artemus is wearing a bulletproof vest]
Artemus Gordon
I only have one request: that you aim for my heart, my heart which has loved this country so much.
Dr. Arliss Loveless
Shoot him in the head.
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Artemus Gordon
She's a breath of fresh ass.
Capt. James West
Pardon me?
Artemus Gordon
What?
Capt. James West
You said "ass."
Artemus Gordon
No, I didn't. I said, "It's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air."
Capt. James West
Let's just get some shut ass.
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Capt. James West
Gordon, what's your plan for getting this thing off my neck?
Artemus Gordon
Excuse me?
Capt. James West
Well, that's what you're here for, right? You're the master of this mechanical stuff.
Artemus Gordon
[chuckling maniacally]
Oh ho ho, I see. *Now* I'm the "master of this mechanical stuff." As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was calmly and coolly trying to find a solution to this very problem. But then something happened. Someone, who will remain nameless...
[throws back his head and shouts]
Artemus Gordon
JIM WEST!
["Jim West" echoes through the canyon]
Artemus Gordon
...decided to jump over the wire, thereby providing us with that exhilarating romp through the cornfield, and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck! And here we stand, with that demented maniac hurtling towards our President, with our one and only means of transportation, with Rita as his prisoner, armed with God-knows-what machinery of mass destruction, with the simple intention of overthrowing our government and taking over the country!
Capt. James West
Gordon, I think you need to calm down.
Artemus Gordon
I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the "Master of the Mechanical Stuff"! And I have to help you! You, the master of the STUPID STUFF! You want to get your collar off? I'll get it off!
[waves his empty hand]
Artemus Gordon
I don't have a gun, otherwise I'd shoot it off!
[grabs a rock]
Artemus Gordon
Here, here's something! In the true Jim West style, I'll just bash it with a rock!
Capt. James West
Gordon, you don't want to do that...
Artemus Gordon
Oh, but I do!
[does so]
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Dr. Arliss Loveless
My dear General, having donated half of my physical being to create a weapon capable of doing this, how did you and General Lee repay my loyalty? You surrendered at Appomattox! So who betrayed whom?
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Capt. James West
I have a telegram for a Dr. Loveless. It's from his mother, Irene. She's telling him to come on home, stop all this foolishness.
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Capt. James West
I thought I'd go as a government agent who's going to shoot and kill General Bloodbath McGrath.
Artemus Gordon
An armed Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white, Southern, former slave-owners. You'll win first prize.
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Dr. Arliss Loveless
We may not have a woodshed on board, but that boy is gonna get a whuppin' anyway!
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President Grant
Gentlemen, you'll be happy to know that I'm starting a new agency, whose sole purpose is the protection of the President. Welcome to the Secret Service, Agents Number One, and Number Two.
Artemus Gordon
Thank you, Mr. President.
[pause]
Artemus Gordon
Sir, if you don't mind my asking, which of us is Number One and which is Number Two?
President Grant
I don't think that really matters, Gordon, do you?
Artemus Gordon
Not if you don't, sir.
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Capt. James West
Loveless has kidnapped metallurgists, so whatever he's building is going to have armor. He's kidnapped chemists, so it'll have explosives. And you've said that Rita's father is the biggest expert on hydraulics in the world, so it's going to move. What could he be building that will make the president surrender the U.S. Goverment?
Artemus Gordon
A bedside heater.
Capt. James West
What?
Artemus Gordon
Rita. She could use a bedside heater. It gets rather cold back there.
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Loveless Hentchman
[Doing Karate moves] I learned that from a China man
Capt. James West
[Kickes up a shovel and hits him in the face] I just made that up
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Artemus Gordon
Oh, look. My auxiliary tool kit, I forgot all about it. It must have fallen out of my pocket.
Capt. James West
Your pocket? Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass?
Artemus Gordon
That's the first place Loveless would have looked.
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Capt. James West
Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a big redneck dance. Got it.
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Capt. James West
That is a man's head.
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[Gordon zaps McGrath with his hypno-belt]
McGrath
What's this?
Artemus Gordon
Why, it's a deep, deep pool. Maybe it's your old swimming hole, General. Are you feeling sleepy?
McGrath
Yes, I'm sleepy.
Artemus Gordon
Good. Now you're going to be my little doggy, and when I say "speak" you're going to tell me everything I want to know. Understand?
McGrath
Woof!
Artemus Gordon
Good boy. Now, which scientist is that in the next room? Is it Dr. Escobar? Speak!
Artemus Gordon
You can speak words, you stupid mutt.
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Dr. Arliss Loveless
Why y'all look like you've seen a ghost? It's me, dear friends - alive and kicking! Well, alive, anyway. We may have lost the war, but heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor! No, not even when we've lost a lung, a spleen, a bladder, two legs, thirty-five feet of small intestine, and our ability to reproduce - all in the name of the South! - do we EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR!
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[last lines, as Jim and Artemus are riding away on Loveless' spider]
Artemus Gordon
Jim?
Capt. James West
What now, Artie?
Artemus Gordon
Mind if I ask you a question?
Capt. James West
Actually, I do, Artie.
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Capt. James West
[Whistles] I'd like to have everyone's attention for a moment. It seems we have had series of major misunderstandings here tonight. First of all, the whole "drummin' on the boobies" thing. Now in my native land...
Someone in crowd
Georgia?
Capt. James West
Africa. We use drums to communicate between villages. And as you can see by this gal, we could communicate all the way to Baton Rouge. Hell, on a clear night, we might even get Galveston. All I was saying to the gal was, "Hi, how ya doing? My name's Jim. How's your momma?" Then there was the whole "Redneck" comment. And I'm sensing that you took that negatively. But let's break down that word "Redneck". First word red, color of power, fire, passion. Second word neck... neck... hey I can't think of nothing for neck right now, but without that you still got red and that's something to be proud of.
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Artemus Gordon
I've been trying to place myself in Loveless' shoes.
Capt. James West
Good luck with that one.
Artemus Gordon
What could this demented maniac with no reproductive organs, want with Rita?
Artemus Gordon
[Rita falls through the train's sliding roof, beside West, unseen by Gordon]
Which is not to say Rita doesn't possess a beauty worthy of a Shakespeare sonnet or a Botticelli painting. My god, the curvature of her buttocks and the swell of that magnificent bosom. So full, so sumptous, so...
Artemus Gordon
[turns and notices Rita]
... what were all those foreign ministers doing at Loveless' party? This is what really puzzles me, did you have any idea there were so many, so foreign, so...
[quietly to West]
Artemus Gordon
How long has she been here?
Capt. James West
Somewhere around Botticelli's buttocks.
Artemus Gordon
I am profoundly sorry.
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Dr. Arliss Loveless
Gentlemen, I am truly impressed by your effort and ingenuity. Why not swear an oath of loyalty to me, and forgo your executions?
Capt. James West
Actually, I was thinking I'd stuff your little half-an-ass into one of these cannons and fertilize the landscape with ya.
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Artemus Gordon
[as they're deciding what to wear for Loveless's masked ball]
... Gypsy Queen... pirate... Ah. How about this? You can come as my manservant.
Capt. James West
[comically stereotypical voice]
Why, yes'um, Master Gordon; Oh I swears, I'd be delighted! I sing, I dance for you, sir! Oh, and I swears none of the other white folks'll knows
[normal voice]
Capt. James West
I'd rather shoot myself than play your damn manservant.
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[preparing to try their flying machine]
Artemus Gordon
Hold on. Avanti!
[the bicycle speeds forward]
Artemus Gordon
Avanti! Avanti!
Capt. James West
Why isn't this thing avanti-ing?
Artemus Gordon
We're not getting enough lift! We need more speed!
[He turns toward a cliff]
Capt. James West
Artie, that's a cliff!
Artemus Gordon
Yes, I know!
Capt. James West
That means the ground is gonna end!
Artemus Gordon
Yes, I know!
Capt. James West
Gordon... Gordon... GORDON!
[the machine goes off the edge of the cliff... and sails into the air]
Artemus Gordon
It works! It works!
Capt. James West
If you had to get one right, Artie, I'm sure glad it was this one.
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Capt. James West
Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to see that you weren't a woman.
Artemus Gordon
I was propositioned by three men.
Capt. James West
You looked nasty, just butt ugly. Your breasts were hard and stiff, and sticking out like rusty cannons on a sunken ship.
Artemus Gordon
[puts on his costume breasts]
These breasts are a work of art. Aesthetically, and scientifically perfect.
Capt. James West
They look like shit.
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Munitia
[aiming a shot at West's & Gordon's train]
I have them square in my sights, Sire!
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[West's face is magnetically joined to Gordon's crotch]
Capt. James West
Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, you be sure to leave this part out.
Artemus Gordon
Don't worry.
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Coleman
President thought you boys could use a little looking-after. But I draw the line at defying gravity, so good luck.
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Dr. Arliss Loveless
Rita, my dear. Not that I'm ungrateful to providence for bringing you back, but I have to confess - I'm just a little bit curious as to how you managed to wind up with them.
Rita Escobar
Well, they seemed so sure that they could find you, I thought if I stayed with them, they'd bring me back to all my friends.
[In a low voice]
Rita Escobar
Not to give you a big head, but, I kind of missed you.
Dr. Arliss Loveless
Well, isn't that a coincidence? Cos, I kinda miss me too!
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[as the Tarantula approaches a small town]
Dr. Arliss Loveless
Mr. President, for the last time, sign the surrender, or I will decimate this town!
President Grant
You've had my answer.
Dr. Arliss Loveless
Well, I understand your position, sir, but I urge you to reconsider, in light of the following!
[opens fire]
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[chased by flying, magnetic buzz-saw disks]
Artemus Gordon
The collars around our necks! They contain powerful magnets! As long as we can outrun the blades, we'll be fine!
Capt. James West
Gordon! How long does it take for a magnet to lose its power?
Artemus Gordon
About four hundred years!
Capt. James West
Damn!
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[hanging out of the 80-foot spider, which is dangling over a cliff]
Arliss Loveless
Well, I'll be a MONKEY'S uncle! How how did we arrive in this DARK situation?
Capt. James West
I don't know, Dr. Loveless. I'm just as STUMPED as you are.
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[after Loveless falls to his doom in the canyon]
Capt. James West
Now that's... a whuppin'.
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[Preparing a flying machine]
Artemus Gordon
Although he was considered insane by his peers, Bernoulli's theory states that the air flowing over a bird's wing is at a lower pressure than the air flowing under the wing. That's called "lift," and that is what we're now going to... attempt. Of course, it's only a theory, it's never been tested...
Capt. James West
Stop talking.
Artemus Gordon
Sorry.
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Dr. Arliss Loveless
[emerging from an exploding Abraham Lincoln-shaped cake to "Battle Hymn of the Republic"]
Don't you just *HATE* that song?
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Capt. James West
That's it, no more Mr. Knife guy.
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Rita Escobar
He's so impetuous.
Artemus Gordon
Yes, he's an idiot.
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McGrath
And they say you scientists are supposed to be smart.
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Miss East
So let's see Mr. West, are you a spy of some sort or just a handsome cowboy? Who likes to poke around?
Capt. James West
I believe I'm that second one.
Miss East
East and West, never the twain shall meet.
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Dr. Arliss Loveless
Well now isn't this a coincidence? I'm out for a little morning ride and right in the middle of nowhere I bump into General Ulysses S. Grant himself!
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Dr. Arliss Loveless
The wrongs will be righted! The past made present! The United - divided!
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Miss East
[Jim West is in Loveless's office, drawing a copy of a map. He hears the door open and pulls a knife in defense, but drops it when he sees Miss East enter. She locks the door and slowly unlaces and removes her outfit, showing off her undergarments and large cleavage. She brushes her hands on her breasts and hips seductively and walks over to West]
I said to meet me in the foreyer.
Capt. James West
'For-yee?' Well I've never been much good with French.
Miss East
So let's see Mr. West. Are you a dangerous spy of some sort or just a handsome cowboy who likes to...
Miss East
[Lifts her skirt and sits on the desk, giving the camera a view of her buttocks]
... poke around?
Capt. James West
I believe I'm that second one.
Miss East
East and West... never the twain shall meet.
[She leans in for another kiss but West notices her looking at something behind them. West sees a a guard pointing a gun at his back and moves out of the way. The guard fires too late and accidentally shoots and kills Miss East]
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Artemus Gordon
We have the element of surprise. What does Loveless have?
[they look down into a canyon]
Artemus Gordon
He has his own city.
[Loveless' mechanical spider walks up over the edge of the cliff on which they are standing]
Capt. James West
He has an 80-foot tarantula.
Artemus Gordon
Yes, well, I was just coming to that.
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[they have gotten stuck back to gether with collar magnets. Trying to free each other, they end up in an even worse fix]
Artemus Gordon
What did you do?
Capt. James West
I didn't do shit!
Capt. James West
Hey! I-did-not-do-shit!
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Capt. James West
Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to tell that you weren't a woman.
Artemus Gordon
I was propositioned by three men!
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[Gordon produces a notebook and pencil on wrist springs]
Capt. James West
You know, you could put a gun on that.
Artemus Gordon
Then where would I keep my pencil?
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Capt. James West
Let's break it down into two words. First, red. Red is like, fire, passion. Neck is - I can't think of anything for neck right now.
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[having just diffused Dr. Loveless' mechanical legs after being kicked around - and stomped on - by them]
Capt. James West
Well, Dr. Loveless. I bet you thought that was pretty funny, dancing on my head and all. Now, if you ask me, someone owes someone else here an apology.
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Dr. Arliss Loveless
[after blasting McGrath]
Well, I think that concludes this night's festivities. Ladies, feed him to the crabs.
[he turns to face the assembled foreign dignitaries]
Dr. Arliss Loveless
Gentlemen, since the beginning of written history a nation's power has been measured by the size of its standing army. Tonight that chapter will be closed. The traditional army, to say nothing of the United States, will become extinct, laid low by a *cripple*-!
[splash as McGrath's body hits the water]
Dr. Arliss Loveless
-as the general so amusingly implied, and mechanology. But my friends, that tank is just a little hors d'oeuvre compared to what the country's greatest scientists are cooking up for me next. So, if I have piqued your interest, bring one thousand kilograms of your country's gold to Spider Canyon in ten days time. And now if you'll excuse me, I have a tank to catch.
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[Belle and James are making out in a water tank while some men pile crates onto it, making it move and about to tip over]
Capt. James West
Uh, as much as I'd like to take credit for that, darling, you might wanna hand me my gun.
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[as West pretends to be an exotic dancer to distract Dr. Loveless and free the hostages]
Capt. James West
Have you out of here in just a second, Mr. President.
[West jumps into Dr. Loveless' wheelchair and is wheeled away]
President Grant
Is she with us?
Coleman
Captain West, sir.
Rita Escobar
Oh, he's so graceful.
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Capt. James West
For four long years I've been chasing the animal responsible for the massacre at New Liberty. I hear tell that's you.
Dr. Arliss Loveless
I am not an animal! I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am *angry*! And after I kill you, I swear I'm going to boil you down for axle grease!
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[inside the Spider, West turns and sees a tall crewman confronting him, the upper part of his skull replaced with a metal cap]
Capt. James West
Nice hat.
[He jabs Metal-Head in the jaw - CLANG!]
[He hooks a punch into Metal-Head's ribs - CLANG!]
[He kicks Metal-Head in the crotch - CLANG!]
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Artemus Gordon
Did you ever see your parents again?
Capt. James West
[referring to the massacre carried out by Loveless] Yea, they were at New Liberty.
Artemus Gordon
I'll help you get him, Jim.
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