Men in Black Movie Quotes
Edwards
Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.
Kay
A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
Edwards
What's the catch?
Kay
The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. I'll give you to sunrise to think it over.
[starts walking away]
Kay
Oh yeah, it's worth it...
[starts walking again, stops and turns back briefly]
Kay
... if you're strong enough!
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[In a shooting range, confronted with numerous menacing-looking targets, Edwards shoots a cardboard little girl]
Zed
May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
James Edwards
Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.
Zed
How'd you come to that conclusion?
James Edwards
Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old, those books are WAY too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it.
[pause]
James Edwards
Or do I owe her an apology?
[pause]
James Edwards
That's a good shot though...
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Kay
We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
Jay
Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don't know whether or not you've forgotten, but there's an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that's about to...
Kay
There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
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Zed
You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MiB special services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You're above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them." We're "they." We are the Men in Black.
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James Edwards
Maybe you already answered this, but, why exactly are we here?
Second Lieutenent Jake Jenson
Second Lieutenant, Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!
James Edwards
Boy, Captain America over here! "Best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honors." Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here.
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Beatrice
You here to make fun of me too?
Kay
No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we're aware of. May we come in?
Beatrice
Sure.
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Bug
Place... projectile weapon... on the ground.
Edgar
You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.
Bug
Your proposal is acceptable.
Bug
[Grabs Edgar, tears off his skin]
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1
Jay
All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me... so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?
Kay
Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely... dick.
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Kay
All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.
Jay
Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?
Kay
A standard issue neuralyzer.
Jay
And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?
Kay
On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off.
Jay
Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out! And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause... DAMN.
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[J has just jumped from a bridge onto a tour bus]
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[K drives a jet-propelled car, while J hangs on screaming]
Kay
You know, you're much too tense. You're a young man. You need to relax, learn to take some joy in your work. Do you like music?
[plays Elvis Presley's "The Promised Land" on the radio]
Kay
That's better.
[mouths along with Elvis, and drives onto the roof of a tunnel]
Jay
Aw shit! Aw damn! K! K!
[K avoids a traffic light and brings the car back to ground level]
Jay
You do know Elvis is dead, right?
Kay
No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.
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Jay
Did you ever flashy-thing me?
Kay
No.
Jay
I ain't playing with you, K. Did you ever flashy-thing me?
Kay
No.
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[to candidates rejected as MIB agents]
Zed
Gentlemen, congratulations. You're everything we've come to expect from years of government training. Now please step this way, as we provide you with our final test: an eye exam...
[a series of flashes occur]
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Jay
Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here?
Zed
The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode.
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Edgar
I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it! It IS poison, isn't it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck!
[Just then, a flying saucer smashes his truck, and Edgar comes out of the house to look at the damage]
Edgar
Figures.
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Zed
Kay, give the kid a weapon.
[Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle]
Kay
A Series Four De-atomizer.
Jay
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Jay
[stares the weapon in disgust]
Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you - you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I - I get a little - little midgy cricket?
[grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him]
Jay
Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing...!
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[Jay and Kay meet a strange-looking man holding a dog on a leash]
Frank the Pug
You don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt!
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1
[last lines]
Elle
Hey, Jay! Zed called. The high consulate from Solaxiant 9 wants floor seats for the next Bulls game.
Jay
All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet.
Elle
Rodman? You're kidding.
Jay
Nope.
Elle
Not much of a disguise.
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Jay
You know what they say. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Kay
Try it.
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Kay
Not bad for your second day of work, is it?
Jay
This definitely rates about a 9.0 on my weird-shit-o-meter.
Kay
You should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968.
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Zed
We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.
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Dr. Weaver
What's with the cat?
Cop in Morgue
Oh, the cat. Yeah, well, there's a problem with the cat. Sign here.
Dr. Weaver
[signing]
What's the problem with the cat?
Cop in Morgue
It's your problem.
[leaves chortling at his own joke]
Dr. Weaver
I hate the living.
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Kay
This caused the 1977 New York blackout. A practical joke by the great attractor. He thought it was funny as hell.
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Kay
You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs, you piece of shit...
Jeebs
He looked all right to me.
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[after Kay informs Zed that they have a bug]
Jay
And what, we don't like bugs?
Kay
Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.
Jay
You were stung as a child, weren't you?
Kay
Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?
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[from trailer]
Kay
We are the best kept secret in the galaxy. We monitor, licence and police all alien activity on the Earth. We're your first, last, and only line of defense. We live in secret, we exist in shadow.
Jay
And we dress in black.
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Jay
What?
Kay
The stars.
Jay
K, you're frightening your partner...
Kay
I haven't been looking for a partner. I've been looking for a replacement.
Jay
K, I can NOT do this by myself, all right?
Dr. Weaver
Hey, guys, can you drop me off home? My apartment isn't in this area...
Kay
I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want.
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Jay
Unlimited technology from the whole universe, and we cruise 'round in a Ford P.O.S.
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Kay
Arquillian battle rules, kid: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
Jay
A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
Kay
One hour.
Jay
One hour... then what?
[the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."]
Jay
Oh, now that's bullshit.
[the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins]
Kay
Look, kid, to keep the bugs from getting it, the Arquillians WILL destroy that galaxy.
Zed
And whatever planet it's on.
Jay
You're talking about us?
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Kay
Meet the Twins, Bweryang and Bob.
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[J crushes cockroaches, which enrages Edgar]
Jay
Well, well. Big, bad Bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? What I can't understand is, why you gotta come down here bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is: don't start nothing, won't BE nothing!
[Laurel Weaver looks at the two, amazed as Edgar leans close to Jay]
Jay
You better ease up out of my face before something bad happen to you.
[Kay cocks his gun while inside Edgar's stomach]
Jay
Too late.
[He gets blasted into two from inside, Kay falls down next to Jay as they both are covered in slime]
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Kay
So what do you think?
Jay
Whew! Very interesting. She got a whole "queen of the undead" thing going on...
Kay
What about the body?
Jay
Great body...
Kay
The DEAD body.
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Jay
What branch of the government do we report to?
Kay
None, they ask too many questions.
Jay
So who pays for all this?
Kay
We hold patents on a few gadgets we confiscated from the visitors. Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction. This is a fascinating little gadget. It'll replace CDs soon. Guess I'll have to buy the 'White Album' again.
Jay
That's fun.
Kay
It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it. I'll tell you why. Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?
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Kay
Do you remember the little red button?
Kay
Push the little red button.
[Jay pushes it]
Kay
And you may want to put on a seatbelt...
[the car flips upside down, sprouts rocket engines and begins riding along the top of the tunnel. Kay is safe because he has a seatbelt on, but Jay is flipped over]
Jay
Kay! Kayyyyy!
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[the Edgar-Bug has just captured the deputy medical examiner Laurel Weaver and is holding her at ray-gunpoint]
Kay
Let her go, shit eater.
Bug
Oh, listen, monkey boy. Compared to you humans, I'm on the top of the evolutionary ladder, so can it, all right?
Kay
You're breaking my heart. Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills.
Bug
You ever pull the wings off a fly? You care to see the fly get even?
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[Jay has just helped deliver an alien baby]
Kay
Congratulations, Reg. It's a... squid.
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Jay
[stepping on some cockroaches]
Oh, I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? Then that must be your uncle over there!
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Kay
Don't "Sir" me, young man, you have no idea who you're dealing with!
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Jay
*These* are the hot sheets?
Kay
Best investigative reporting on the planet. Read the New York Times if you want, they get lucky sometimes.
Jay
I cannot believe you're looking for tips in the supermarket tabloids.
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NYPD Sergeant at Edwards ' Interrogation
Edwards, if you were half the man that I am...
Jay
Hey man, what are you talking about? I AM half the man that you are!
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Jay
Yo, Kay, check it out, when do I get my own little flashy-thing memory-messer-upper?
Kay
When you grow up.
Jay
Hmm, 'kay.
[scratches his forehead with his middle finger]
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[after delivering a squid-like alien baby]
Jay
You know it's actually kinda...
[baby throws up on him]
Jay
...cute.
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Kay
In the mid-50s the government started an underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everyone thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us that first night. Seven agents, one astronomer,
[MiB photo of himself with an alien]
Kay
and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road.
Jay
Oh, you brought that tall man some flowers.
Kay
This way... They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted Earth for an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever see 'Casablanca?' Same thing, except no Nazis. We agreed and concealed all the evidence of their landing.
Jay
So these are real flying saucers, and the World's Fair was a cover-up for their landing?
Kay
Why else hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year and live among us in secret.
Jay
Look, I'm sorry. Not to change the subject, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan?
Kay
Six months ago. It's company policy.
Jay
Make another appointment.
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Kay
All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are approximately 1500 aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living.
Jay
Cab drivers?
Kay
Not as many as you'd think.
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Kay
I don't suppose you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?
Jay
Uh, wait, that was on "Final Jeopardy!" last night. Damn, Alex said...
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Jay
HEY, OLD GUYS! Do those still work?
[points at the ships on the towers at Flushing Meadows]
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Frank the Pug
The galaxy is here!
Kay
What do you mean "here?"
Jay
Galaxy's millions of stars and planets. How's it here?
Frank the Pug
You humans! When will you learn size doesn't matter? Just because something's important, doesn't mean it's not very small.
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[the perp he is chasing does not slow down]
Edwards
Freeze means stop!
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Kay
You're nothing but a smear on the Sports page to me, you slimy, ugly, intestinal parasite! Eat me! Eat me!
[the Bug swallows Kay whole]
Jay
Kay! Kay!
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Kay
Searching for a handle on the moment? I can't help you. The only comfort I can offer... is my promise that tomorrow morning you won't remember a thing.
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Kay
Set for pulsar level five, subsonic implosion factor two.
Jay
What?
Kay
Just shoot the damn thing on the count of three!
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[first lines]
Nick the Van Driver
Goddamn bugs!
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Kay
Did anything about that seem unusual to you?
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Kay
You're under arrest for violating sections 4153 of the Tyco Treaty.
Jay
So hand over whatever galaxy you might be carrying and step away from your busted ass vehicle, and put your hands on your head!
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Beatrice
Edgar, what on earth was that?
Beatrice
I've never seen sugar do that.
Edgar
Give me... sugar... in water.
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Edgar/Bug
Y'know, I've noticed an infestation here. Everywhere I look, in fact. Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum, totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives.
Zap-Em Man
Well, yeah. Uh... don't you want to get rid of 'em?
Edgar/Bug
Ah... in the worst way.
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[Dr. Weaver is trying to stall Edgar so she can escape]
Dr. Weaver
You don't want to eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen, a goddess even. There are those who worship me. I'm not saying this to impress you, I'm just warning you it could start a war.
Edgar
War? Good. That means more food for my family. All 78 million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Highness.
Dr. Weaver
You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying HERE!
[escapes]
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Kay
Oh, the red button there kid, don't ever, ever touch the red button!
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Police Inspector
I want to talk to you.
NYPD Sergeant at Edwards ' Interrogation
[shouting at Edwards]
Ten minutes - you take your best shot, tough guy!
Police Inspector
Outside, now!
James Edwards
Take ten minutes on a Stairmaster, you pudgy bastard!
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[blasting Edgar the Bug]
Dr. Weaver
Interesting job you guys have...
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Jay
There's only one way off this planet, baby, and that's through me.
[the bug kicks Jay aside]
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Edgar
You idiots! You don't get it - I've won! It's over! You're milksuckers! You don't matter! In fact, in just a few seconds you won't even BE matter!
Kay
You're under arrest for violating sections of the Tycho Treaty.
Jay
So hand over whatever galaxy you are carrying and step away from your busted-ass vehicle and put your hands on your head.
Edgar
I'll put my hands on my head. Like this?
[tears off his skin to reveal himself as the alien bug, and the agents proceed to fight him]
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Jay
All we gotta do is go in here and get a cat. It's not that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashing your brain-ray all in her face. You're gonna wind up giving her leukemia or something. Woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashing away half her med school classes. Five minutes.
Kay
Two minutes.
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Kay
Did he say anything to you?
James Edwards
Yeah, that the world is coming to an end.
Kay
Did he say when?
[Edwards looks at K oddly]
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Perp
[talking to himself]
He's coming! He's coming!
James Edwards
Yeah, and when he gets here, I'll arrest his ass too!
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INS Agent Janus
Who are you, really?
Kay
Really?
[puts on a pair of sunglasses]
Kay
I am just a figment of your imagination.
[flashes neuralyzer]
Kay
Damn, what a gullible breed... I'm serious, fellas, you're lucky to be alive after a blast like that.
INS Agent Janus
What blast?
Kay
Underground gas main, genius! You fellas need to exercise a lot more caution before discharging your firearms, I'll tell you that much right now. Especially you.
[points at Janus]
Kay
Now have yourselves checked out with EMS on the other side of the hill before you leave.
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Jeebs
[Edwards enters his store]
Officer Eduardo! How did these get here? I thought I turned these into the proper authorities.
Jay
Well, the way I hear it Jeebs, you're into something hotter than some stolen Rolexes.
Jeebs
I'm also a huge crack dealer now, but I still work here because I love the hours.
Jay
I'm talking about guns, smart-ass. Weird ones.
Jeebs
Come on, Edwards. What you see is what I got.
Jeebs
Hiya, Kay. How are you?
Kay
Show him the imports right now!
Jeebs
Yeah... I got out of that business a long time ago.
Kay
Why do you lie to me Jeebs? I hate it when you lie.
Jeebs
Now, just hold on a second...
Jay
He'll do it, Jeebs.
Kay
One.
Jay
I'm telling you, that man does not look stable.
Kay
Two.
Jay
You know what? Talk to me, he... he is just crazy when he's like this
Jeebs
He's always crazy. Why don't you get a message? Take a cruise...
Kay
Three!
[Blows Jeebs' head off]
Kay
I warned him.
Jay
DROP THE WEAPON!
Kay
You warned him!
Jay
Don't make me kill you.
Jeebs
[as his head grows back, Jay looks in astonishment]
You insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings?
Kay
Show us the merchandise, or you going to lose another head, Jeebs.
[Jeebs rotates the cases and everything is replaced by alien guns]
Kay
Mr. Edwards?
Jay
Right there... The one in the middle.
Kay
You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid! Jeebs, you piece of shit!
Jeebs
He looked alright to me.
Kay
It must have been for an assassination. Who's the target?
Jeebs
You know I don't know.
Kay
All right, that's confiscated. All of it. And I want you on the next transport off this rock, or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.
[he and Kay leave the store]
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[the alien perp is on top of a building running away from Jay. He opens up a door and sees Jay pointing his gun at him]
Jay
What's up?
Perp
He's coming because I failed and now he'll kill me, too.
Jay
Yeah, well you just pissing everybody off today, huh?
Perp
You don't understand. Your world's gonna end.
[He blinks with his eyeballs]
Jay
What the hell are you?
[the perp is on the edge of the building]
Jay
Hey, watch that ledge. Watch the ledge. Look, come on down and we'll get those eyes fixed. Don't even worry about it. Let me talk to you. Hey, hey!
[the perp raises his arms, falls off the building and lands on the sidewalk]
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Kay
Z, get a containment unit to come down to the city morgue...
Zed
Containment will be of little point, old friend. Most of the aliens and ships are gone already. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets the cheque...
[sees the worms are leaving]
Zed
You miserable little ingrates!
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[explaining the neuralyzer to J]
Kay
Months, days, hours. Always face it forward.
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[first words]
Kay
We'll take it from here.
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Jay
Well, you know what they say: it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Kay
...Try it.
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Gentle Rosenburg the Arquillian Jeweler
[to his cat]
Okay, sweetie. Just hang on while I pay the impolite man.
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Kay
Put up your arms and all your flippers.
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[Jay notices the bug driving away]
Jay
Kay...
[raising his gun]
Jay
Get down!
[Kay ducks. Jay shoots and the glass window shatters, the mailbox explodes and Jay is thrown against the wall behind him]
Jay
Whooo...
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Edgar
Where do you keep your dead?
Manny the News Vendor
[thinks]
I don't have any dead.
Edgar
Where?
Manny the News Vendor
I don't know, the city morgue!
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MiB Official
Purpose of trip?
Arquillian
Diplomatic Mission.
MiB Official
Duration of Stay?
Arquillian
Lunch.
MiB Official
Any fruits or vegetables?
[holds an alien in his handbag]
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[the Bug takes Dr. Weaver with him into the flying saucer]
Edgar
You're coming with me.
Dr. Weaver
What?
Edgar
It's a long trip. I'll need a snack.
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Jay
[blows out]
That's right, that's - Ooh! Um, Kay! Oh, damn, man! Hey, uh, something's - Kay! Something's peekin', man!
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Rosenberg Alien
[gasps and wheezes]
Must... to prevent... contest...
Jay
It's okay, what are you tryin to say?
Rosenberg Alien
[softly]
To prevent...
Jay
To prevent... struggle?
Rosenberg Alien
[sighs]
To prevent...
Elle
War?
Rosenberg Alien
War...
Rosenberg Alien
[continues wheezing and gasping]
The Galaxy... is on... Orion's... Beh... Beh... What is word?
Jay
Bed... Belt? Orion's Belt?
Rosenberg Alien
[he shooks his head and then Jay looks at the Arquilian dying]
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Kay
[Camera pans the Manhattan skyline, Kay is talking with Jay about MiB]
Yeah, at any one time there's about two million aliens on the planet - most of them are right here in Manhattan...
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Jay
Dr. uh... Whatever, come here.
Dr. Weaver
Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you?
Kay
Rosenberg. Aw, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family.
Dr. Weaver
I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps.
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Gentle Rosenburg the Arquillian Jeweler
[in alien language]
Sorry I'm late. The cab drivers on this planet are terrible.
Arquillian
You Majesty, you are in grave danger.
Gentle Rosenburg the Arquillian Jeweler
Yeah, and they overcharge you every time.
Arquillian
Sir, a bug landed here. We must get you off the planet.
Gentle Rosenburg the Arquillian Jeweler
A bug? He must know why I'm here.
Arquillian
We think he does.
Arquillian
[looks at the thing on the table]
Is that what I think it is?
Gentle Rosenburg the Arquillian Jeweler
No, just some diamonds for your children. Do we have time to eat?
Arquillian
Sure. I ordered you some Pirogi.
Gentle Rosenburg the Arquillian Jeweler
[smiles]
Ah!
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Zed
You're late. Sit down.
[Edwards takes the remaining chair. The elevator doors slide shut. Zed continues addressing the Recruits]
Zed
My name is Zed. You're all here because you're the best of the best. Marines, Navy SEALS, Army Rangers... NYPD. And we're looking for one of you. Just one. What will follow is a series of simple tests designed to quantify motor skills, hand-eye coordination, concentration, stamina.
Jay
Uh yeah. I'm... I'm sorry, maybe you already answered this but... , but -- why, exactly, are we here?
[Silence. Then one of the young recruits eagerly raises his hand. Zed calls on him]
Zed
Son?
1st Lt. Jake Jensen
[loud and formal]
2nd Lieutenant Jensen. West Point graduate with honours. We're here because you want the best of the best of the best, sir!
Jay
[Edwards tries to stifle a laugh, but can't]
Zed
What's so funny, Edwards?
Jay
Your boy, Captain America, here. "The best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honours." He's just really excited, and he has no clue why we're here. That's very funny to me. Y'all ain't laughing, though.
Zed
Okay, let's get going.
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Dee
I'll tell ya, Kay... I will miss the chase.
[Kay sighs, puts on his sunglasses and readies the Neuralyzer]
Kay
No, Dee... You won't.
[neuralyzes Dee]
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Jay
[he doesn't like Kay's car]
Unlimited technology across the universe, and we get to cruise around in a Ford P.O.S.
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Edgar
Get your big butt back in the house!
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INS Agent Janus
You ever heard of Division 6?
INS Agent
There is no Division 6. This is bullshit.
INS Agent Janus
Yeah.
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Dr. Weaver
[still disoriented from being neuralyzed]
Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue.
Kay
Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please.
[neuralyzes her again]
Jay
Would you stop that!
Kay
What?
Jay
That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or something!
Kay
Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute.
Jay
Never hurt her before? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?
Kay
Couple.
Jay
So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage?
Kay
A little.
Jay
K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?
Kay
No.
Jay
I ain't playing with you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?
Kay
No.
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Arquillian
To the continued reign of the Arquillian Empire.
Gentle Rosenburg the Arquillian Jeweler
To the safety of the Galaxy.
[both drinking a cup of soda, but Edgar appears with serving two Pirogi flavings when a bug was ontop of it]
Gentle Rosenburg the Arquillian Jeweler
[looks up at him]
You can kill us both, but you will not find the Galaxy.
Edgar
Oh. You're right about one thing.
[he pokes on Gentle Rosenburg's neck and pokes at the Arquillian's neck, then steals a thing, throws on a table a cat jumps in then hisses then scares him then walks away]
Dishwasher
You're not going anywhere, pal.
[pushes him and fells off]
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Dr. Weaver
[calmly but desperately, as Jay goes confused]
Look, stud, you're really not getting this. There's something I need you to HELP ME WITH.
[Jay pauses until his takes his gun out, Orion growls and jumps at Jay until Edgar springs out and grabs him taking the orb, Kay rushes in as Edgar holds Laurel hostage]
Kay
Freeze it, bug!
Dr. Weaver
[to Jay]
Christ, you are THICK!
Jay
Look, how was I supposed to know?
Dr. Weaver
What did I have to do, sing it for you?
Jay
Well, if you weren't coming on like some drunken prom date...
Dr. Weaver
Oh, God, that is so typical! Every time a woman shows the slightest hint of sexual independence...
Edgar
Oh, everybody SHUT UP!
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