The Cable Guy Movie Quotes
Chip Douglas
The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!
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Sam Sweet
[Tape of his phone call to the police]
Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something... There was this guy, he looked Asian... and he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was... Asian.
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Steven
Can I get a knife or fork?
Wench
There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
Steven
There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?
Wench
Dude, I got a lot of tables.
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Chip Douglas
Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
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[Chip has brought Steven to "Medieval Times". A waitress in the Medieval Times role of a wench approaches them]
Wench
[flatly]
Welcome to Medieval Times. My name is Melinda. I'll be your serving wench. May I get you something from the bar keep?
Chip Douglas
[too into it]
Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus!
[She leaves]
Chip Douglas
My thanks to ye, fair wench!
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Chip Douglas
You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music.
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Steven
You know, my brother is a speech therapist.
Chip Douglas
Tho?
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Helicopter paramedic
Hang in there, pal! You're gonna make it, buddy.
Chip Douglas
Hey!
[helicopter paramedic learns forward]
Chip Douglas
Am I really your buddy?
Helicopter paramedic
Yeah, sure you are.
[an evil grin spreads across Chip's face]
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Chip Douglas
You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.
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Chip Douglas
He who hesitates, masturbates.
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Chip Douglas
HI! Is there a problem with your service?
Steven Kovacs
Yeah, my cable is out.
Chip Douglas
[Presents a cut cord]
Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?
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Chip Douglas
You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!
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Cable Guy
If Robin had seen you tonight, she'd be begging you to take her back. I'm telling you, these knights get laid all the time.
The Cable Guy
[He and Steve are on horses about to charge one another] This is our destiny!
Steven
No it's not!
The Cable Guy
Yes it is!
Steven
No it isn't!
The Cable Guy
Yes it is!
Steven
Isn't!
The Cable Guy
T'is!
Steven
Isn't!
The Cable Guy
T'is!
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The Cable Guy
Women are a labyrinth, my friend. Can I be frank? I don't think you listen to her. I think you tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is, all the complicated splendor that is women. When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten fold.
Steven Kovacs
You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
The Cable Guy
I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
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Chip Douglas
This concludes our broadcast day. Click.
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Medieval Times host
Preferred customer my ASS!
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Chip Douglas
Reality isn't 'Father Knows Best' anymore. It's a kick in the face on a Saturday night with a steel-toe grip Kodiak work boot, a trip to the hospital, bloodied and bashed, for reconstructive surgery.
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Steven Kovacs
[Chip had hired a prostitute to entertain Steven]
Just get out. I don't ever want to see you again. Robin is never going to forgive me!
Chip Douglas
Well I'll tell you how you handle that: DON'T TELL HER.
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Chip Douglas
I just wanna hang out. NO BIG DEAL!
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Chip Douglas
Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done.
Steven Kovacs
Does this go to your boss?
Chip Douglas
No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t.
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Chip Douglas
I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.
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[Chip is danging over a ledge above the giant cable dish]
Steven Kovacs
You'll be fine. I'll be your pal, just come on up!
Chip Douglas
No. It's too late for me, but there are alot of little cable boys and girls out there who STILL have a chance! Don't you understand, Steven? Somebody has to kill the babysitter.
[drops from ledge and freefalls towards dish]
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Medieval Times host
Quickly, muster atop your steed. Buddy, get on the friggin' horse. I don't think he's kidding.
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Chip Douglas
[on answering machine]
I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.
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Steven
I asked my girlfriend to marry me and she asked me to move out.
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Chip Douglas
Squad 51 Squad 51, Man down. Possible back injury. Nancy! We're gonna need an IV with D5W and ring a fract team stat. Check vital signs. Administer lidacaine drip. Prepare to defibrillate. CLEAR!
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Chip Douglas
Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.
Steven Kovacs
That is so nice!
Chip Douglas
Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.
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Chip Douglas
It was my treat.
Steven Kovacs
What do you mean it was your treat?
Chip Douglas
You know, I bought this time. You buy next time... Don't let your eggs get cold.
Steven Kovacs
Buy what?
Chip Douglas
What do you mean 'buy what'? The women.
Chip Douglas
Of course she is. You think a woman like that would hang out with us if we weren't paying her?
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Robin's date
[signaling the waiter]
Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, pardon me, hey what's the story with our chicken, man? Have the eggs had a chance to hatch yet? Maybe you can go check on it for me, my friend, if it's not too much trouble for you.
[the waiter walks off]
Robin's date
Okay, I'm sorry to put you out.
[Turns to Robin]
Robin's date
See the attitude?
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Chip Douglas
The blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down.
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The Cable Guy
Cable Guy!
The Cable Guy
Caable Guuuy!
Steven Kovacs
I'm coming!
[grabs a towel, heads for the door]
Steven Kovacs
Don't leave!
[Steven reaches the door, peeks outside]
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Chip Douglas
Come on Stevie, time to leavey, It's the fun bus man!
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Chip Douglas
Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back.
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Chip Douglas
Come back here, so that I may brain thee!
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Steven Kovacs
Hey, wait, come back!
Chip Douglas
Well look who decided to show.
Steven Kovacs
You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago.
Chip Douglas
Was I? So I'm the tardy one?
Steven Kovacs
Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed.
Chip Douglas
Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF! I'm just jokin' with ya.
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Chip Douglas
I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same.
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The Cable Guy
Sounds like heart break to me.
Steven Kovacs
Well I really don't want to discuss it with you. Could you just install my cable please? I'm gonna go get dressed.
The Cable Guy
Suit yourself. No sweat off my sac. Oh by the way, you might wanna put on a bathing suit 'cause you'll be channel surfing in no time!
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Steven Kovacs
What's going on?
Chip Douglas
It appears that we're going to do battle, Steven.
Steven Kovacs
Is this a normal part of the show?
Chip Douglas
No, but I gave all the knights free cable. They thought it would be cool if we went at it for a while.
Steven Kovacs
Is it safe?
Chip Douglas
Sure, that's what the armor's for. Come on.
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Steven Kovacs
What are you doing?
Chip Douglas
I'm just talking trash.
Steven Kovacs
You ruined the game.
Chip Douglas
I don't appreciate your tone, Steve. Friends aren't supposed to talk to each other that way...
Steven Kovacs
What are you talking about? We're not friends. I don't even know you.
Chip Douglas
Well let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken.
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Steven Kovacs
Guard! This is the guy who framed me. He set me up. Arrest him!
Chip Douglas
Hey Bernie, how's that sports package?
[Bernie gives him a thumbs up]
Chip Douglas
All right!
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Rick
Bingo! "My Three Sons"!
Steven Kovacs
Chip and Ernie Douglas.
Rick
I have a list here of every cable installer fired in the last four years. Check out some of these names: Murray Slaughter, George Jetson, Jean Luc Picard, there's even a guy who liked to be called "The Big Ragu".
Steven Kovacs
Carmine from "Laverne & Shirley".
Rick
That's so sad that you know that. Anyway, the cable company has just fired somebody six months ago named Darrin Stephens. You may remember his boss, Larry Tate, from a little show called "Bewitched".
Steven Kovacs
So... He doesn't even work for the cable company.
Rick
Yahtzee! They booted his ass for stalking customers. This guy is deeply troubled. If I were you, I'd lock up *tight*.
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Steven
You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
Chip Douglas
I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
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Steven
I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?
Steven
Um... Yeah.
Chip Douglas
Who told you that? What is his name? I want it.
Steven
Just forget it.
Chip Douglas
You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!
Steven
No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.
Chip Douglas
[Bursts out laughing]
I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!
[laughs harder]
Chip Douglas
Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
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Chip Douglas
Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!
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Chip Douglas
I'll juice ya up.
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Chip Douglas
[on answering machine]
Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.
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Cable Guy
[Steven punches him] You're gonna have to do better than that, Steven. Steven. St-st-my lisp is gone!
[Steven punches him again; lisps]
Cable Guy
You thtupid thon of a bitch!
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The Cable Guy
Hey, Rick! I never made a slam dunk before. Thanks for the boost.
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[the Cable Guy makes a slam dunk and breaks the glass panel above the basket]
The Cable Guy
I love this game!
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Chip Douglas
What a place for an ending, huh? It's like that movie 'Goldeneye'!
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Chip Douglas
Wow, the old McNair place. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened.
Steven Kovacs
Why? What happened?
Chip Douglas
They had a lot of cats.
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Chip Douglas
Wake up lil snoozy! Smell the smelling salts!
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Chip Douglas
You better buckle up. I've had a lot to drink... just kidding. That's my humor!
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Steven Kovacs
Sure.
Chip Douglas
Check this out.
[places pieces of chicken skin over his face]
Chip Douglas
Silence of the lambs!
[imitates Hannibal Lecter]
Chip Douglas
Hello, Clarice. It's good to see you again.
[bursts out laughing]
Steven Kovacs
Oh lord.
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Steven Kovacs
Dammit. Son of a bitch! The cable's out.
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Steven Kovacs
You know, I'm embarassed to say this but I don't even know your name.
Chip Douglas
You really wanna know my name? You do?
Steven Kovacs
Sure.
[Smiles at Steven]
Steven Kovacs
Um... Goodbye.
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Steven Kovacs
Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else?
Rick
Sure. Maybe I'll take MY cable guy.
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Chip Douglas
Cable guy!
[pounds on the door]
Chip Douglas
Cably Guy? Cable Guy!
[Rings the buzzer]
Chip Douglas
Cabla goobla!
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[Steven is in jail]
Chip Douglas
Hello, Steven, I came as soon as I could.
Steven Kovacs
What's your real name?
Chip Douglas
It's Larry Tate, but that's not what's important right now. We have to get you out of here. I was watching Court TV and I found a loophole in your case. I'm gonna talk to the judge about a writ of Habeas Corpus. I'll put the SYSTEM on trial.
Steven Kovacs
Why are you doing this to me?
Chip Douglas
I didn't do this to you, you did this to you.
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Steven
The cable guy is missing in action.
[talking with Rick on the phone]
Steven
Apparantly he is gonna be here between eight a.m. and my death.
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Chip Douglas
[the police arrive at the satellite dish]
[mock terror]
Chip Douglas
Uh-oh, Steven called the fuzz! "Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do?"
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[the Cable Guy is speaking to Steven in prison over the phone; he puts his hand on the glass that is separating them]
The Cable Guy
I'm just here to comfort you. Touch it. You need human contact.
Steven
I will not touch it.
[the Cable Guy sets the phone down and begins unbuttoning his shirt]
Steven
What are you doing?
[the Cable Guy jumps up next to the glass and tears away his shirt to place his chest against the glass]
Steven
Don't do that! You're gonna get me killed!
[a prisoner next to a horrified Steven looks over and makes a kissy face]
[continues to moan and wail; then immediately drops the act]
The Cable Guy
I'm just messin' with ya.
[laughs hysterically]
The Cable Guy
Remember Midnight Express? Oliver Stone won the Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay. Awesome, awesome scene.
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[they are playing Porno Password - the password is "Vagina"]
Chip Douglas
Penis. Penis. Penis...?
Robin Harris
Vagina?
Chip Douglas
YES! She said "vagina"! She said "vagina"!
Steven's father
I would've said "schlong".
Chip Douglas
Great. Now we're starting to get this.
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[on a gurney, Chip is about to be loaded onto a helicopter; Steven and Robin follow]
Chip Douglas
[weakly but amiable]
You too are gonna be just fine. Take care of him, Robin; he's good people.
Steven
You never told me your real name.
Chip Douglas
You still wanna know my name?
Chip Douglas
It's... Ricardo.
[Steven looks confused]
[imitates Desi Arnaz's inimitable laugh]
Chip Douglas
Babalu!
[chuckles]
Chip Douglas
I'm just messin' with ya!
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Chip Douglas
You know, I asked a woman to marry me once. She wanted to think about it. We agreed to take some time apart. You know... give each other space.
[begins crying]
Chip Douglas
Well... she's no longer with us.
Robin Harris
I'm sorry.
Chip Douglas
Sometimes, you don't know what you've got til it's gone.
[beat; quietly]
Chip Douglas
Promise me you'll never go bungee-jumping in Mexico.
[getting more emotional]
Chip Douglas
They just don't have the regulations!
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[Chip slices the front of Steven's shirt open]
Steven
Chip, this isn't funny! Stop it!
Chip Douglas
The name is Spock. If we don't fight to the death, they'll kill us both.
Steven
This isn't Star Trek!
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Rick
Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!
Chip Douglas
Well, don't dig too deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!
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Steven Kovacs
[using Cable Guy's advice to Robin]
I don't listen to you. I pretend to understand, but I'm really just saying the things that I think you want to hear. And I'm interested in learning about every detail of the complicated splendor that is you.
Robin Harris
Oh.
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The Cable Guy
Pretty smooth work! I set 'em up, you knock 'em down.
Steven Kovacs
What?
The Cable Guy
Robin. I got her back for you. I juiced her up!
Steven Kovacs
How do you know we're back together?
The Cable Guy
Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac, Steven.
Steven Kovacs
I don't want you messing with my life!
The Cable Guy
I know! I felt bad about the other night. I wanted to make it up to you.
[pause]
The Cable Guy
So what are you doing? Wanna catch a flick?
Steven Kovacs
Look, I appreciate you helping me out with Robin. But you have to understand. I'm going to have to work *extra* hard to not screw this relationship up again. You're a very nice guy, but I just don't have any room in my life for a new friend. Okay?
The Cable Guy
So, what are you trying to say?
Steven Kovacs
I don't want to be your friend.
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Chip Douglas
I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!
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[Steven has had enough playing "Porno Password" after being told the password is "clitoris"]
Steven Kovacs
I can't say that to my mother!
Steven's father
She can handle it.
The Cable Guy
It's just skin, Steven.
Steven Kovacs
I don't want to do it any more!
Steven's father
You're overreacting.
Steven Kovacs
No! You're all being fooled by him! He's not like this! H-He's a lunatic and a felon!
The Cable Guy
Whoa! Everybody just relax. We knew this would happen.
Steven Kovacs
Nothing is happening! Nothing is happening!
The Cable Guy
This is a safe place. You're with people who love you.
Robin Harris
Robin Harris, Steven's father, Steven's Mother: We love you.
Steven Kovacs
I hate you! Get out of my life!
The Cable Guy
He's projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go.
[to Steven]
Robin Harris
Steven, you are being an asshole!
Steven Kovacs
What?
The Cable Guy
Do you see what's happening? You're hitting bottom.
[Cable Guy gets up from the couch and starts moving towards Steven]
Steven Kovacs
You stay away from me!
The Cable Guy
This is where the healing begins. Come on. Come on!
[quickly leans in close to Steven and whispers]
The Cable Guy
Robin showed me the birthmark on her left shoulder. It's *very* sexy
[slurps with his tongue]
The Cable Guy
[Steven proceeds to deck him; the family members gather around him in shock]
The Cable Guy
[nursing his wound]
Thank you for the delightful evening, everyone. I guess I'll be leaving now.
[to Steven]
The Cable Guy
I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same.
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The Cable Guy
Well that just about does it
Robin Harris
Ok
The Cable Guy
That was kinda hot up there
Robin Harris
So, are you friends of Steven's?
The Cable Guy
I'm proud to say that I am. I recently installed his cable and we just sort of hit it off. We bonded big time
Robin Harris
Are you guys going out a lot?
The Cable Guy
Mmmmm not really
The Cable Guy
That guy is devoted to you
The Cable Guy
You know I'm probably crossing a boundary telling you this, but he thinks you're the cats pajamas. He really does
Robin Harris
Does he say that?
The Cable Guy
Only every 5 minutes. Frankly I'm sick of hearing it! I'm just joking with you. He's a good man
The Cable Guy
He mentioned that you guys have ummmmm had some problems
Robin Harris
Yeah well it's sort of complicated
The Cable Guy
It always is. You know I asked a woman to marry me once. She said she would think about it. So we agreed to take some time apart. Reassess our feelings. Give each other space. Now she's no longer with us.
Robin Harris
I'm sorry
The Cable Guy
Sometimes you just don't know what you got until it's gone
The Cable Guy
Promise me you'll never go bungee jumping in New Mexico ok? They just don't have the regulations
Robin Harris
I promise
The Cable Guy
I've said too much
Robin Harris
Well thank you
The Cable Guy
Cherish him Robin. Every hair on his head
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Chip Douglas
By the way, you might want to put on a bathing suit, cause you'll be channel surfing in no time.
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Cable Boy
I thought I was going to get a brother, I thought you were going to give me a brother?
Cable Boy's Mother
That's why I'm going to happy hour!
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Steven Kovacs
I hate you! Get out of my life!
Chip Douglas
He's projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go.
Robin Harris
No, don't go. Steven, you are being an asshole!
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[as Steven is watching TV, an ad comes up for a TV movie based on the ongoing Sweet murder trial]
Narrator
[over footage of the Sweet trial] Tonight on UPN: The trial that's captured the nation. Everybody is waiting for the verdict, but you don't have to wait for the movie.
Eric Roberts
[as Sam Sweet, dressed in combat gear] Crybaby.
Eric Roberts
[as Stan Sweet, dressed in religious garb] I love you.
Eric Roberts
[as Sam] You've always been such a crybaby.
["Sam" aims the gun at his "brother" off-screen]
Eric Roberts
[as Stan] No, Sammy! Don't! Sammy! Sammy! Don't!
Eric Roberts
[as Sam] Look who's crying now.
[a gunshot is heard then images of Eric Roberts as the Sweet brothers facing each other is shown]
Narrator
Eric Roberts is Sam and Stan Sweet in "Brother, Sweet Brother. The Killing of Stanton Sweet". Parental discretion advised.
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Steven
Hey! I'm Steven.
Heather
Heather.
Steven
Can I get you a beer?
Heather
How about a tequila?
Steven
Alright!
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[Chip knocks on Robin's door]
Robin Harris
Who is it?
Chip Douglas
It's the Cable Guy!
Robin Harris
My cable's fine.
Chip Douglas
I've got an upgrade order for one Robin Harris. The Rainbow package - that's every pay channel available.
Robin Harris
I didn't order that.
[Frustrated, Chip makes a face behind the door but just as quickly relaxes]
Chip Douglas
Apparently, you have a secret admirer.
[Robin opens the door, but with the chain still on]
Robin Harris
Come on.
Chip Douglas
No, I promised Steven I wouldn't say.
[gasps]
Chip Douglas
Oh, my goodness! Look what I've done.
[smiles innocently]
Chip Douglas
You didn't hear it from me.
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