Chip DouglasThe future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!
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Sam Sweet[Tape of his phone call to the police]Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something... There was this guy, he looked Asian... and he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was... Asian.
Chip DouglasFree cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
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[Chip has brought Steven to "Medieval Times". A waitress in the Medieval Times role of a wench approaches them]
Wench[flatly]Welcome to Medieval Times. My name is Melinda. I'll be your serving wench. May I get you something from the bar keep?
Chip Douglas[too into it]Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus!
Chip DouglasYou might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.
Chip Douglas[Presents a cut cord]Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?
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Chip DouglasYou were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!
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Cable GuyIf Robin had seen you tonight, she'd be begging you to take her back. I'm telling you, these knights get laid all the time.
The Cable Guy[He and Steve are on horses about to charge one another] This is our destiny!
The Cable GuyWomen are a labyrinth, my friend. Can I be frank? I don't think you listen to her. I think you tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is, all the complicated splendor that is women. When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten fold.
Steven KovacsYou're right. That's incredibly insightful.
The Cable GuyI know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
Chip DouglasReality isn't 'Father Knows Best' anymore. It's a kick in the face on a Saturday night with a steel-toe grip Kodiak work boot, a trip to the hospital, bloodied and bashed, for reconstructive surgery.
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Steven Kovacs[Chip had hired a prostitute to entertain Steven]Just get out. I don't ever want to see you again. Robin is never going to forgive me!
Chip DouglasWell I'll tell you how you handle that: DON'T TELL HER.
Chip DouglasNo it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t.
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Chip DouglasI can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.
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[Chip is danging over a ledge above the giant cable dish]
Steven KovacsYou'll be fine. I'll be your pal, just come on up!
Chip DouglasNo. It's too late for me, but there are alot of little cable boys and girls out there who STILL have a chance! Don't you understand, Steven? Somebody has to kill the babysitter.
[drops from ledge and freefalls towards dish]
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Medieval Times hostQuickly, muster atop your steed. Buddy, get on the friggin' horse. I don't think he's kidding.
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Chip Douglas[on answering machine]I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.
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StevenI asked my girlfriend to marry me and she asked me to move out.
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Chip DouglasSquad 51 Squad 51, Man down. Possible back injury. Nancy! We're gonna need an IV with D5W and ring a fract team stat. Check vital signs. Administer lidacaine drip. Prepare to defibrillate. CLEAR!
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Chip DouglasCall it one guy doing another guy a solid.
Chip DouglasWhat do you mean 'buy what'? The women.
Steven Kovacs[after pause]Do... do you mean that Heather is a prostitute?
Chip DouglasOf course she is. You think a woman like that would hang out with us if we weren't paying her?
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Robin's date[signaling the waiter]Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, pardon me, hey what's the story with our chicken, man? Have the eggs had a chance to hatch yet? Maybe you can go check on it for me, my friend, if it's not too much trouble for you.
Chip DouglasThe blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down.
Chip DouglasCome on Stevie, time to leavey, It's the fun bus man!
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Chip DouglasHey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back.
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Chip DouglasCome back here, so that I may brain thee!
RickI have a list here of every cable installer fired in the last four years. Check out some of these names: Murray Slaughter, George Jetson, Jean Luc Picard, there's even a guy who liked to be called "The Big Ragu".
RickThat's so sad that you know that. Anyway, the cable company has just fired somebody six months ago named Darrin Stephens. You may remember his boss, Larry Tate, from a little show called "Bewitched".
Steven KovacsSo... He doesn't even work for the cable company.
RickYahtzee! They booted his ass for stalking customers. This guy is deeply troubled. If I were you, I'd lock up *tight*.
Chip DouglasYou're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!
StevenNo, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.
Chip Douglas[Bursts out laughing]I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!
[laughs harder]
Chip DouglasWake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
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Chip DouglasDry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!
Chip DouglasIt's Larry Tate, but that's not what's important right now. We have to get you out of here. I was watching Court TV and I found a loophole in your case. I'm gonna talk to the judge about a writ of Habeas Corpus. I'll put the SYSTEM on trial.
Chip DouglasYou know, I asked a woman to marry me once. She wanted to think about it. We agreed to take some time apart. You know... give each other space.
RickLook, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!
Chip DouglasWell, don't dig too deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!
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Steven Kovacs[using Cable Guy's advice to Robin]I don't listen to you. I pretend to understand, but I'm really just saying the things that I think you want to hear. And I'm interested in learning about every detail of the complicated splendor that is you.
The Cable GuyI know! I felt bad about the other night. I wanted to make it up to you.
[pause]
The Cable GuySo what are you doing? Wanna catch a flick?
Steven KovacsLook, I appreciate you helping me out with Robin. But you have to understand. I'm going to have to work *extra* hard to not screw this relationship up again. You're a very nice guy, but I just don't have any room in my life for a new friend. Okay?
The Cable GuyIt always is. You know I asked a woman to marry me once. She said she would think about it. So we agreed to take some time apart. Reassess our feelings. Give each other space. Now she's no longer with us.
Chip DouglasHe's projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go.
Robin HarrisNo, don't go. Steven, you are being an asshole!
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[as Steven is watching TV, an ad comes up for a TV movie based on the ongoing Sweet murder trial]
Narrator[over footage of the Sweet trial] Tonight on UPN: The trial that's captured the nation. Everybody is waiting for the verdict, but you don't have to wait for the movie.
Eric Roberts[as Sam Sweet, dressed in combat gear] Crybaby.
Eric Roberts[as Stan Sweet, dressed in religious garb] I love you.
Eric Roberts[as Sam] You've always been such a crybaby.
["Sam" aims the gun at his "brother" off-screen]
Eric Roberts[as Stan] No, Sammy! Don't! Sammy! Sammy! Don't!